Sunday, December 31, 2006

Mom is back in the hospital

She had her hip replaced the week before Christmas and got out of the hospital the day before Christmas. At the time they knew there was a small fracture in that hip - they saw it on xray. Mom heard her hip "clicking" yesterday and called the hospital who told her if it got worse to come in. At noon yesterday she tried to get up (she has a lift chair) and couldn't. She ended up calling 911 and being taken in via ambulance to the ER. Her orthopedic surgeon is at the Rose Bowl, so another surgeon looked at her. He was going to send her home! My mother refused because she knew something was wrong, so he sent for another orthopedic. The second one said "Yup, something's wrong" and called mom's surgeon. Apparently the little break is now a bigger break. Mom's doc said "You can go home, or better yet stay in the hospital. I'll be back on Monday, we'll do surgery on Tuesday." So she's in the hospital until then, and Tuesday she probably gets a pin put in her hip bone. After that, dad wants to put her in a nursing home for a few weeks for rehab. Mom is less than stellarly pleased about this...just the idea of being put in a "nursing home" is enough to depress her. If it had another name, perhaps it would be better. She's always hated the idea of not being able to take care of herself.

My dad is stressed to the max. He actually sounds stressed, which is unusual for him. He's one of the calmest people I know. However, he's been getting up at 4am to go to work and not getting home until at least 8pm. Then he has to catch up on laundry and dishes and eat, and it's almost 10pm before he gets to sleep. He's getting about 5 hours of sleep a night. The man is almost 60 - he shouldn't be working these kinds of hours. What happens if he has a heart attack? He's at that age, and even though he's really healthy it could still happen. He won't be able to take care of mom, she won't be able to take care of him. I can't go down there to take care of them...not without quitting school, taking semi-permanent leave from my work, and running the risk of bankrupting us without my income. My sister can't come up here - she's got 2 kids. We won't even discuss my brother - he's still in Lovelock, so far as I know, and even if he weren't there's no way in hell I'd trust him to take care of them properly.

What am I going to do? I feel so guilty for not being there for my parents. I should be there, dammit. They're my parents. Next to Aaron, they're all I've got. This is not a good way to start the new year. OH! Speaking of which:


Thursday, December 28, 2006

OMG Boobies! And they're REAL!

I took best friend Nomi to the mall on Tuesday, because she had a gift card but no car. Yes, I know we're crazy for going to the mall the day after Christmas but it wasn't that bad really. Parking was a bitch, but other than that...

Anyhow, the reason for this post. We were at Lane Bryant and Nomi showed me the bras she wears. She can't sing their praises enough, apparently. We decided I should get measured, so I know what size I really take instead of just guessing...just in case I decide to get a new bra soon. I told the lady I needed measured and into the changing room we went. I've been wearing about a 40C, but that's only because it's the only thing remotely comfy I can find. The lady's diagnosis? I am a 36DDD. That's right...DDD.

I went next door to Victoria's Secret, because I knew that they did sizing. The lady there asked me what I wore and I told her 40C (because it's what I had on). She did the FASTEST fitting and said "I have you at a 40 C/D". She's so full of crap. Never trust those people.

Nomi and I decided I should split the difference, since a 36 was a bit tight. I went with a 38DD. Aaron and I went back to Lane Bryant and bought me a new bra. I wore it for the first time today and HOLY BOOBIES BATMAN! If I stand up straight I can't see my toes - and not because my tummy is in the way. Not only that, but I can't see my tummy - and it's not because I've lost a lot of weight (although I have lost 8 pounds). No...none of those things. It's because my boobs are too big to see anything else.

Aaron, of course, loves them. I am not sure what to do with them. I remember having boobs before, big ones...but I was 118 pounds then, in a size 10 pants, with 36B's. I was bigger than that (pound wise) when Aaron and I met almost 4 years ago. I was about 180, still with 36B's, but they've been growing at random ever since. I haven't gained any weight in the past year, but I've gone up at least 2 cup sizes since then...4 in the past 4 years. I can't keep up this rate of growth...can I?! I'm already afraid that if I go outside when it's cold that I'm going to poke someone's eyes out...

So that's my most recent drama...that doesn't involve parents, at any rate. :) Hope you got a chuckle!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

People who overstep infuriate me!

Some of you may not know (because you don't belong to the WebMD boards) that I set up a Secret Santa project for the ITSG board this year. I did the same thing last year and it was a lot of fun. It's very very important to me, although I am not sure why. Maybe because I like doing things for people, and I love the girls on that board to death.

Well, one girl who lurks over there from the 6+ board asked if she could be involved. Her board was having a hard time, and wasn't doing anything like that, but she wanted to participate. I asked a few others if they minded, they said no, so I agreed to let her in.

I got everyone assigned, with no troubles. Last year the reveal was done before Christmas, but this year there were a lot of people out of town and others hadn't gotten their gifts. I have been trying to wait until the prior two things were resolved before revealing who had who. I have also tried to keep the girls updated on what's going on, and when the reveal is.

Today I sent out an Email, telling the girls that we would reveal tomorrow. Everyone should be back in town by then, so it could be the big reveal I was hoping for. I got several responses saying "But it's already been done on the board this morning." WTF? I raced over to the board to take a peek. Sure enough. Guess who overstepped her bounds and decided to take the reveal over from me? Yeah...the girl from 6+. She decided that she would just start the revelations this morning. WHERE DOES SHE GET OFF? It's not her project, it's not her right to say when the reveal should happen. I am so pissed off at her right now it's not even funny. How dare she do something like this on a board she doesn't even belong to, when she was allowed in only because she asked and everyone else said it was ok? I know...I'm probably being petty, but I hate being pushed aside on something that was really important to me. She had no right to do that when she wasn't the one in charge.

Call me petty, call me silly...but I'm seriously upset over here. I know I don't post a lot there anymore, but that's because I don't have anything going. I have, however, kept the girls as up to date as I could...both on the board and through Email, so no one would miss anything. I could cry.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Merry Christmas y'all!

Aaron and I are headed to my parents' house this morning for Christmas. We were supposed to leave last night, but they got a foot of snow Friday evening and dad thought it would be best if we waited. :) I happen to agree, even if it does frustrate me.

I think I forgot to mention that mom was having her hip replaced on Tuesday. She's doing well, but won't be coming home until Christmas Eve. They were going to send her home today but dad has to work and I'm not comfy being in the house alone with her. I don't feel capable of taking care of her on my own, so I told her I was perfectly fine with her staying in there until Sunday. Give her another day of pure rest! The hospital is also going to be sending a Home Health nurse person to the house starting Tuesday to help out, since dad has to go back to work.

At any rate, I wanted to thank all of you for continuing to come here and read my blog, even if it isn't getting updated very often and there's nothing exciting going on. It means a lot to me that you're still here after all this time.


I hope you all get what you want the most!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

I are teh smart! :)

I finally have all my class grades. They aren't "finalized" until January 4th, to give people time to protest, but I won't be doing that.

English: A+

Music: A-

Criminal Justice: B

Sociology: B-

Next semester it's Math, Biology, Spanish. It's a heavy load, but nowI think I can do it. I know, without a doubt, that I could have done better in Criminal Justice and Sociology if I'd really tried to. I didn't do a whole lot of the reading for those classes - just took the study guides, found the answers, went from there and crossed my fingers! But W00T! I PASSED!!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Drumroll Please!

I am now a free woman for the next 4 weeks. I took my last final today. Grades HAVE to be posted by 12/20, and are finalized on 1/4. Some of my professors, however, already have grades up.

Music: A- (I thought I was going to get a C!)
Criminal Justice: B (a very solid one, I might add)
English: not in yet, but I think I have an A
Sociology: also not in yet, but had a shaky B- going in. How I did on the final will sway the balance.

Not too shabby, all things considered. I'm looking forward to this next semester (if not all the work that goes with it). I've changed my major...again...for the 3rd time this semester. What can I say - I'm indecisive. I have now settled on Social Science. It sounds interesting, and the classes I took this semester put me a lot closer to having most of the work done (except the SS specific classes).

Next semester it's Biology 100 + lab, Spanish 101 + lab, and Intro to Mathematical Thought. I may add on a fourth class - I'll have to see closer to the start of semester how I feel about that. All of those classes are 4 credits, but if you include labs then I have 5 classes. That's a lot of homework! If I DO add another class it's going to have to be something easy and fun, with not much homework.

Ok...time for me to go get ready for a Christmas Party. Aaron and I are selling Avon now, and there is an area party tonight. I figured it might be good for us to go schmooze with other reps. :) I hope you all have a wonderfully MERRY CHRISTMAS, and I will try to update again soon. Thanks for checking in on me!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Nothing new...

There really isn't much to update. I'm healing very well from the surgery. I'm still a little sore, and have trouble lifting very many thing, but I'm working on it.

Finals are next week, and I have a ton of stuff to do in the meantime. I have an assignment due on Wednesday and my final essays are due Friday, along with my final journal. I'm more than a little nervous about that. I'm also nervous about my final grades, although I'm sure I did well. I think I'll end up with an A in English, a B in Sociology and Criminal Justice and a C in Music.

I've changed my major to socialwork. Almost anything I want to do in the CJ system can be done with a Socialwork degree, as well as anything in an office. I've also made a lot of progress toward that degree between this semester and next, which makes me happy.

This blog is probably going to slow down a lot since I don't have a lot going on. There's nothing on the TTC front at all for the foreseeable future. School is all consuming, but beyond papers and reading there isn't much to report on that front either. I thank all of you for continuing to check up on me, and I'll update as often as there's something to report.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!

Just wanted to say how much I appreciate everyone who comes here to read this on a semi-regular basis. You don' t know how much it means to me that you still care enough about me after all this time to keep checking up on me, even when I don't have much to report and my TTC life is at a standstill. It's good to know I have friends everywhere. Thank you so much!

I hope you all have/had a very wonderful Thanksgiving and are stuffed (ha!) to the gills with yumminess!

Friday, November 17, 2006

I survived!

I'm sore as all get out, but I lived. Painkillers every 4 hours on the dot help a lot. I've been trying to get up and walk around but it's hard to make myself do it, but I'm afraid if I don't the muscles will tighten up and that hurts more.

Surgery was interesting. They didn't get me into my "room" until 9:20 (was supposed to start at 9:00). They had the IV in around 9:50 and at 10:00 Aaron leaned on it and made it hurt. At 11:15 my anesthesiologist came by - my actual surgery was supposed to start at 11:00. At about 11:30 they wheeled me into the OR. I remember feeling a bit woozy - telling them it was a good thing I was already laying down because I felt light-headed! The nurse lady said that's because she gave me something to make me woozy. The next thing I knew, I was having an asthma attack! Not a fun way to wake up, let me tell ya! I was all done, though, and in recovery. Time was about 1:15 when I could finally see the clock. I left the hospital about 4:00 and proceeded to fall asleep every 30 seconds for 10 minute bursts all the rest of the day. Aaron had the audacity to accuse me of being incoherent yesterday! Just because I was all drugged...

I have several rashes on my chest from the EKG pads they put on me to monitor my heart. I TOLD them I was allergic to adhesive, that I was allergic to the EKG pads, but they did it anyway. My chest itches like a sonofabitch, and it's bruised because I keep scratching/rubbing it. I also found a pad on my back today that they so kindly left for me...not very happy about that!

Well, that's all for now folks. I'm going to go play FFXII some more, chill on the couch. :) Have a great weekend!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The pre-op appt

I am only doing one surgery. I can't get the schedules to match up without waiting until December and I don't want to wait that long. I'm already stressed out to the gills - I've lost 7 pounds in the last week, despite not eating much, and my hair is falling out at a rapid rate. I'm having panic attacks every other day, my TMJ has flared up every few days. My back muscles, between my shoulderblades, have been a lot more painful and tense the past few days. I keep stretching but it doesn't help much. Between the stress, and carrying my books (which I swear are getting heavier and need to go on a diet), my back is ready to give out on me!

I had my pre-op appt on Thursday. It didn't help matter to have more information. Now I have a whole new set of questions to add to my old ones. The lady did tell me that if I'm a nervous wreck (which is normal) that I can ask them to give me something to relax - probably Demerol, which I hear is great stuff. I have an entire instruction sheet of things to do before going in for surgery, stuff to take with me, things not to do. I have my own sheet of things I need to remember to tell them, or ask them, before I go under.

My gallbladder is acting up more and more lately. Yesterday my shoulderblade area hurt all damn day with no end in sight. It actually started the night before in my ribs. They tell me that my gallbladder can cause shoulder pain (it radiates upwards), so I'm assuming that's what was causing it. It felt like my shoulderblade was caught on my ribs, or something to that effect, and nothing was working.

So that's my update. I will try to update again after the surgery this coming Thursday but I make absolutely no guarantees. I will probably be drugged to the gills for a few days and if I'm feeling better by Tuesday, I have to work all day Tuesday and Wednesday in preparation for Thanksgiving. If I don't post before that..HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

One surgery is a go

The gallbladder surgery is currently set for Thursday November 16th at 9am MST. I won't actually go into surgery until 11am, they plan 45 minutes for the surgery itself, and then two more hours for recovery.

This may all change, however. The gallbladder surgeon (henceforth known as Dr Giles) only does surgery on Wednesdays & Thursdays. The OB surgeon (henceforth known as Dr Poole) doesn't do surgery on Thursdays. See the problem? Well, I am willing to move my date around if I need to in order to accomodate them.

I am, however, extremely displeased with Dr. Poole's surgery scheduler at the moment. I scheduled with Dr. Giles' person yesterday. She was supposed to get in touch with Dr. Poole's person. I called Dr. Poole's person yesterday afternoon to ask if he had surgery permissions at St. Alphonsus (where I am getting my surgery done). She called back and said "Yes, he has permission at St. Luke's". Whaaaaa? So I called back, and they put me on hold...and never answered my call or transferred me to her voicemail. This morning, 8am, I called Dr. Poole's scheduler. I spoke directly to her and yes, he does have permissions. Then she told me that he doesn't work no Thursdays, but that she would talk to him as soon as he arrived to see what he wanted to do...and she'd call me back in a few hours. At 1:00, when I got out of class, I called her again. She said "I will talk to Dr. Poole in just a few minutes and try to get back to you today." I don't have time to screw around, lady! I need to take time off work, talk to my profs, Aaron needs/wants to take the day off - all of which takes time.

So...I am giving Dr. Poole's scheduler until end of day tomorrow to contact me with a date. I don't need the added stress of all this - I'm already fully panicky and morbid. I've had two passive panic attacks in two days! If she doesn't call me, I will inform them that I will not be doing my endo lap with them at this time. I may consent to do it next summer, when I don't have so much going on. Who knows...just have to see how it plays out.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Small update

The ultrasound showed 2 gallstones that were big enough to throw a shadow - which means that there were 2 big enough to disrupt the sonic waves. If there are smaller ones, they can't see them. This means it's entirely possible that I have a gravel pit in there!

Tuesday I go to meet with a surgeon for the gallstones. I spoke with both his scheduler and the one for the OB that I went to and they both say that I can get my endo lap done at the same time as the gallbladder removal. YAY! I am going to have to check on insurance stuff, make sure it's all covered the way I think it will be.

I am going to try and hold off on doing the surgery until the week of Thanksgiving. I don't think I'm going to be able to, but it would be best. I don't have any school that week and the office is only open for two days. I'm going to have to use up all my vacation time when I do this...I'd prefer at least some of it was holiday! I am, however, driving both myself AND Aaron nuts with my wondering about the surgery. I don't know what to expect afterwards. I think it's going to be hella painful...Aaron says I'll be sore, but fine in a few days. I'm anticipating one of us on the couch (probably him, or the cats will be jumping on me all night), he thinks we'll be ok in the same bed. I'm thinking "Give me Percocet to take home", he's thinking "Vicodin every few hours should be just fine". I've heard reports of everything from a few days recovery to 6 weeks...just for the gallbladder. Having two at once is going to be harder on me...and I'm already a very slow healer whose body reacts strongly to pain.

This is not going to be pretty...not even a little. I will try to update again later this week, after I talk to the surgeon.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Gallbladder update

In reading over my last few posts it appears I forgot to mention something.

When I went to the neurosurgeon, he said "BTW, did anyone tell you you have a gallstone?" A what? I have a what where? No one bothered to tell me this. "Oh. Well, you have a 1.7cm gallstone." How big? Well, about the size of a dime. Apparently my frickin' body has decided it would be nice to grow a pearl in my gallbladder. This explains a lot of what's been going on with my gastrointestinal system in the past few months, although I didn't think anything was bothering me other than a finicky system.

The other night I had a REALLY REALLY bad attack. Bad enough that Aaron threatened to take me to the ER. Luckily for me, these attacks pass fairly quickly - 15 to 30 minutes, although I do hurt for about 16 hours or so all told, just not bad. I went to the college doc yesterday. He ran some b/w (I should get the results today or tomorrow) and I go in for a u/s on Thursday morning. Since the gallstone was an incidental find (they weren't looking for it, it just happened to show up on the MRI), he wants to find out what's REALLY going on. Do I have more than one? How are they (it?) positioned? How likely am I to have a blockage? Will I need surgery?

I found out from my sister that they can do my endo lap AND my gallbladder surgery at the same time. It will be cheaper that way, and a lot easier on me if I only have to recover once instead of twice. One hospital bill, one anesthesiologist...and maybe only one surgeon, we'll have to see. At any rate, I might be getting this all taken care of sooner than I planned. If I leave the stone in there I run the risk of having it go to my liver and diseasing it, or breaking through the wall and letting bile into my bloodstream. Neither of these is a terribly attractive option, so I will probably just have the damn thing removed.

Anyways...sorry I haven't updated in a bit. It's been a busy time - school (I'm a full B student!!!), work...and lots of doc visits. I'll update more when I know more.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

And the wait is on!

Aaron and I did some refiguring and took a better look at our insurance. I was wrong. It wouldn't cost us about $2500 after insurance. It would cost us $9K after insurance - if we hadn't used our insurance AT ALL. My insurance sucks ass, so we will be cancelling it at the end of this month. It will be all but tapped at that point anyways and become completely useless, so there's no point in continuing to pay for it if I can't use it.

Next June or so Aaron will be eligible for better insurance. We may decide to just do this laprascopy next year, if our finances are in better shape. We will NOT be doing an IUI this December - I see no point in trying it if my uterus is not in perfect shape. Or at least as close to perfect as I can get it, which means no endo. We'll see what happens after we do the lap...perhaps we'll get KU'd right away, perhaps we'll do an IUI right away to help ensure a pg, who knows. Maybe I'll just give up!

I know it isn't impossible to get pg with endo. My sister did (two boys)- and she had to have a D&C every two years to get her endo cleared out until she could get someone to listen to her and remove her uterus and one ovary. My cousin Mandy, whose endo is so severe she was told she would never have childre, has two little boys. Her sister Christine has severe PCOS and was also told she'd never have kids - her daughter will be two (or is it three? I can't remember) in May! So it's not impossible...but it will definitely be our miracle baby.

I told my parents and my dad seriously pissed me off. I won't even go into details right now because it will upset me all over again, but he is convinced I shouldn't have this lap done unless they are 100% certain that I have endo. Uhhh....on a checklist of 12 items I could answer yes to 8 of them. The only way to know for sure is to go in there and take a look! And yes - I know it's going to cost a small fortune and yes! I know I can't afford it. But I am NOT going to throw more money at my uterus just to have it say "FUCK YOU JEN! NO BABY FOR YOU!" It just doesn't make sense.

Ah...there I go getting all upset. It's time for bed. This has been the worst week in a long while and I am very very glad it's over.

Friday, October 13, 2006

The good, the bad, the so-so

I'm back from the ob's office. I have news.

the good: A herniated disk shouldn't stop me from having kids. Yes, being pg is going to exacerbate the problem...but it doesn't mean I CAN'T do it.

the so-so: The ob thinks I have endo. This is good, because it would explain my IF and my insurance will cover any IF treatments related to endo. Bad, because...

the bad: It will cost us about $2500 after insurance to have a lap done and be diagnosed & have it removed. We don't have a cc that will hold that right now, so it's probably going to be 6 months or so before we get it taken care the very least.

But...I have an answer, more or less. It's about what I thought. Aaron says we should sue the RE's office for not doing a lap in the first place (due to family history) and having us do an IUI that wasn't going to work.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I am so depressed now

I went to the neurosurgeon today. I had high hopes that he could fix me, that something could be done.

I was wrong.

He took a look at my MRI films and said "Here's the tiny herniation. Here's the dried out disk. There's no nerves involved. There's nothing I can do. To help, stay slim and do some core exercises. Any weight you carry in the front is going to make it worse."

Great. I get to live with this pain for the rest of my life. Not only that but I have to find a way to lose weight - as if I haven't been trying to do so for the last 6-7 years? Accordingly, if carrying more weight up front is going to make it worse...guess who doesn't get to be pg? That's Unless we decide the risk is worth it - but last week and the week before I could barely walk. I don't know what's going to happen if I add another 50 pounds on my front side.

I'm so depressed and upset. I can't decide if I want to scream or cry...or both. I have been on the verge of tears for the last two hours. This guy was my only hope of being fixed - and now I know that, as usual, no doc can ever help me.

Monday, October 09, 2006

"don't worry - I'm in the same boat"

I just had to share this with y'all - this is one of the more irritating and slightly amusing things I've heard in a while.

I was getting my hair trimmed yesterday by this girl in her early 20's, if that. She made the usual small talk "How long have you two been married?" followed by the inevitable "Do you have any kids?". I told her no, and she looked to be ready to ask more questions. I then said "We've been trying for two and a half years". This usually stops they questions before they start...or leads to what happened next.

She said "Oh don't worry - I'm in the same boat. But you're not supposed to tell me it's been that long"

I shrugged and said "Sorry. How long have you been trying?"

This cute little slip of a girl says, in all seriousness, "It's already been 3 weeks!"

OMG, y'all...I almost fell out of my chair! Had I been able to get up and walk, instead of her weilding scissors at my hair, I was very tempted to say "OMG, really? That long? Are you panicked yet? How can you STAND it?" I didn't...I just looked at her and informed her that it takes the average healthy couple 4-6 months to conceive, you only have a 20-25% chance of conceiving every month, and that if you haven't conceived in a year then you need to go see a specialist-which happens to be be here in Boise!

She's in the same boat, huh? Three weeks versus two and a half years? Hell, three weeks versus two months, even...not even remotely in the same boat. She's barely ovulated, if she's lucky. Sometimes people amuse me - I guess it's good I can laugh, even when I probably shouldn't.

Friday, October 06, 2006

My own results are back

And it turns out I have a herniated disk! This explains the pain for sure...and the numbness. I am waiting to hear back from my doc about what we're going to do. They mentioned a "spinal specialist", along with the words "injections" and "physical therapy" to Aaron...and for me to call them back. Which I've done. Repeatedly. They just aren't returning MY calls.

So that's my saga. Sounds like IUI is on hold indefinitely until I can get this taken care of.

Update: Got in touch with my docs office. I had the option to do physical therapy or go to a neurologist. I have already tried the p/t route with very little success and the thought of anyone touching my back with the intent to fix makes me want to cry. So I opted for the neurologist person. The first appt is on 10/17 (do they really think I can like with this pain for another 11 days?!) at 1:30 in the afternoon, which is going to make me late for work. Good thing I have an understanding boss!

I'm terrified.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


Mom called - it's not cancer! WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was a fatty tumor, that's it! Aaron had one like that removed a few years ago on his back - they're no big deal. I'm stoked!

I won't hear until tomorrow about my MRI results. Instead of taking 30 minutes it took over an hour. They had to repeat a few shots because there was too much movement. Uh...hello? Back is spasming out, causing lots of pain...hence the reason I was there? What did they expect?

Ah well...tomorrow I have a music test and then I get my results, hopefully. More then!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

It's been a while

and life is getting busy. I'll try to get you caught up without venting!

C39 started on Friday. Not sure why I keep counting-guess it's just habit now. Nothing going on this cycle, ttc-wise that is. Just the same old, same old.

On the 13th I have an appointment with a new doctor. He is an ob/gyn who also does infertility work. I have been reading a book called "The Infertility Companion" lately. It's really helped me deal with some crap...I highly recommend it to anyone out there who either IS infertile, knows someone who is, or who just wants to learn more about it. At any rate, it was discussing diagnostic testing and whatnot. It turns out that most physicians do not consider the workup complete without a laprascopy...which I have never had. I feel like my RE got Aaron's SA results back and said "Oh look-there's the problem. We'll just go with that!" and didn't bother to finish testing me. Of course, my RE hasn't exactly been involved with my treatment at all-I've met her once, talked to her on the phone once. I don't like that. At the very least I'll get a second opinion from the new doc about our results and treatment. At best he'll agree to do a lap on me-not that I'm anxious to "go under the knife", but it gets me KU then I'm happy.

On Thursday I have an MRI for my back. Last September I woke up in extreme pain, more or less unable to move. I ended up going to the ER because the pain was over my kidneys and we were afraid something was wrong with them. It turns out that it was deep muscle spasms...the kind you can't see or feel, really, but hurt like a MFer. I went to my regular doc, who gave me muscle relaxers and pain killers. Then a new relaxer. Then physical therapy. Well...last Sunday I woke up hurting again. By Monday I could barely walk again and it lasted a week. Aaron and I have decided that I need to find out what's going on. The pain strikes without warning, the spasms make me look like a marionette. The pain is increasing every time I wake up like this. It now streaks down to my knees, and my legs/feet have been going to sleep at random...even when I'm walking. Well...not to sleep, but to that pins/needles stage when they've BEEN asleep and are waking up. All of this leads us to believe something is wrong with my nerves-could be my scoliosis getting worse, could be my sciatic nerve. Either way, it needs to be taken care of (if it can be) before we get me pg. Depending on Thursday's results, TTC could be on hold indefinitely.

My brother is being an ass and I could gladly kill him right now. I won't go into details here, but if you really want the full story let me know. Suffice to say he seriously pissed mom off and I hope he gets shanked.

Speaking of mom, she had to have another biopsy on her left breast on Monday. Last week the docs saw something on her mammogram...same spot, same breast as 3 years ago when she had cancer. So they biopsied it, removed it all...and we'll find out later this week if she has breast cancer again. If she does, they can't do radiation because they've already done it on that breast. She already had an appt set up with her cancer doc for 10/10, so she'll discuss treatment options then. It will probably be either chemo (like she had for the ovarian cancer two years ago) or a masectomy. Mom says if she has cancer again then she wants my sister & I to come down on the same weekend and be involved with the treatment selection. I do not want to do this. My sister pulled a major guilt-trip on mom, out of my hearing, when mom had ovarian cancer. She told mom that if she DIDN'T go through chemo (which mom didn't want to do) then she could explain to my youngest nephew why she'd rather die. I could have beat my sister at that point. How could she be so selfish? I mean, I don't want mom to die by any means-I'm not ready to be without my mommy, but to be honest I don't think I ever will be. However, I am not selfish enough to demand that mom do something she doesn't want to do, go through a terrible treatment that is going to be hard on her or (in this case) possibly live without her breast...just so I can have her around to talk to every other day. It has to be her choice and I will stand by her, against my sister and the rest of the family if I have to. And if my sister tries to pull the same shit again I plan on yelling at her until mom makes me stop. Mom says she doesn't understand Michelle's reaction-Michelle isn't even involved in mom's life much anymore. Mom hasn't seen "the boys" for over a year-mom talks to me every other day! And yet I'm the one willing to live without her if I have to-I refuse to ask her to do something for my sake.

Ok...I know I said I wouldn't vent but I couldn't help it. My siblings are both angering me to the point of violence. I hurt-a lot. I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do to fix any of this. I'm a control freak who currently isn't in control of anything. If you've read through all this...thanks. I appreciate it. I'll try to update after Thursday, when I get my MRI and mom's cancer results.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I'm learning! I'm learning!

In English class we have been assigned an essay of at least 8 pages on an experience, the questions it brought up, and our inquiry into finding the answers. I'm sure you'll all be shocked to learn that I chose my experience as TTCing and being told we're infertile. :)

I figured I could easily write this essay with my eyes closed. And then...then I found out we have to actually RESEARCH the paper. Funny that - having to research an essay in a research writing class... At any rate, I have to use 5 outside sources. I'm 4 pages in and have 7 sources so far.

I've been looking up actual infertility figures and how they compare to other things, as well as treatments and how they compare (just to give people a better picture). HOLY SHIT, people! I knew that it was a good amount of people, and it was expensive...but the research shocked even me! Did you know: Infertility is up from 10% in 1995 to 12.5% in 2002? The national unemployment rate is only 4.7% - infertility is 2.6 time as prominent as unemployment, and yet they make such a huge deal out of. Did you also know that the average cost for one round of IVF is $12,000?! For that price I can buy a 2006 Kia Rio! I think of the people who have done 4-5 rounds of IVF - they could own a fleet of Kia's!

I can't wait to get this paper done - I am going to find a place to host it and link it here so y'all can read it. I'm aiming for 12 pages so I don't want to actually post it here...but I'll try to link it.

As for TTC stuff - we're in limbo. We still haven't decided if we want to do IUI next cycle or not. If we do, we need to decide if we want to do an injectible cycle or just stick to the clomid. I don't know - I'm still struggling. I always said only once - and now Aaron wants to do it 3 times. If it didn't work, it didn't work - I give up. I agreed to do another in December because that's when we told everyone we would do it - but do I want to do one in October too? I just don't know.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Has anyone got a rock I can hide under?

Today is going to be one of those days. I just found out that one of the girls I used to be on JSO with has lapped me. She had a LOT of trouble staying pregnant and we were all completely thrilled when she carried her daughter to term. Her daughter is only 4 months old, and she just announced that she's pregnant again.

I feel like someone socked me in the stomach.

Don't get me wrong - I'm stoked that she doesn't have to go through what she went through last time to have her daughter. But still...why? Why her and not some of the rest of us? Why can't those of us who have been TTC for SO LONG have at least one before we get lapped by our sisters? I know that one you have a hard time getting pg the thought is "well, I had such a hard time, and needed so much help last time, there's no way I'll get pg on my own." I've heard it time and again - from cousins, sisters, SIL's, friends, name it, they've said it. But man - it still sucks major ass.

Some days the thoughts just get to me. Like: One of the girls on ITSG had an IUI with a 3-4% success rate - and it worked. Aaron and I had a better success rate than that - and it didn't work. Why not? What did I do wrong? Sometimes I think even another chemical would have been better than nothing - at least then I'd know I could get pg and it's just that something was wrong. But no - nothing. Why do some people get pg when they don't want to, and those that do want to can't? What makes those others so damned special that they get my dream and I get left with nothing?

I am too raw to deal with this anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to do something. I can't keep doing this month after month after year with no success - I just can't keep it up. It's getting way too hard to see my friends succeed, and to cheer them on from the sidelines. I'm getting more and more bitter and withdrawn, and it's not healthy.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Man, what is UP with me lately?

I guess it's true what they say about clomid. It stays in your system for 6 weeks...and they don't call it cloMOOD for nothing. I have been seriously hormonal for a week now. I am not taking it this cycle, as I want my body to have a rest and NOT get cysts. However, I feel like I'm constantly PMSing (which I'm obviously not, since today is CD7). I've been crying all day - over a mess I made on a forum, trying to help DH with the kitchen and being in the way, over an English assignment. I've been tearing up at regular old books, songs I've heard dozens of times, commercials on the TV. This is not me. I don't cry like this.

I just feel emotionally raw. And overwhelmed. And frustrated by what isn't overwhelming me. I want to scream, throw things, rage at the world. I feel like no one understands, even though they do. I feel alone, even though I'm not. I want to make the world understand, and I can't. All I do is make a mess, make everyone mad at me...which only makes me cry more, try to make them understand more, and make them angrier at me. Vicious cycle, that.

My poor husband is "baffled boy". He doesn't know what to do with me. His wife is behaving oddly and he can't fix it. He doesn't understand that I don't want him to fix it, exactly. I want him to support me. Instead he just says "Don't read those things that upset you. Ignore them." He doesn't understand that I can't - I have to respond. I am driven to educate people - and it makes me sad when they don't/won't understand.

I am consumed by the desire to spare others the pain of comments that cut to the quick, even when they are intended to help. I know that people don't MEAN to be insensitive, that they feel the need to say something - anything - to make the person who hurts feel better. Sometimes it would be better if they just didn't say anything, or just hugged them. If you, dear reader, come across someone who is suffering from something...stop and think before you open your mouth. Put yourself in their shoes, just for a minute, and think how your words could be interpreted. That's all I ask - and I realize it's a big thing to ask.

I'm sorry if I've upset anyone with today's post. Like I said before, I am emotionally raw. Between the hormones, and my english essay that I am researching (probably about 12 pages on infertility), I don't feel in control. My usual filters are gone, and I feel very lost without them.

Monday, September 04, 2006

We're on a roll baby!

Today is C38, CD1. If this cycle goes the way they normally do, AF should arrive again just after our anniversary. That puts CD3 of C39 on October 1st. Everyone cross your fingers that October is our month.

I think my mom figured out what we did. I didn't tell her, but I think she knows. But that's ok...she also knows that my period started, so she also knows it didn't work. And I don't have to deal with her being upset, because I don't know for sure that she knows. :) It all works out in the end.

I think I have cysts left - AF is in the house but my ovaries hurt. This is not a good sign, but it IS one of the reasons we decided to go EOM on the IUI. I don't want cysts to put me out of commission, and if I do have them I want them to have time to go away so I don't have to miss the next month.

Friday, September 01, 2006

The results are in

and since I'm posting you already know the answer.

It didn't work...not pregnant.

We will not be doing this again next cycle, but DH wants to do it the cycle afterwards.

Thanks for the support and prayers - please keep DH in your thoughts. I think he's more upset than I am right now - I wasn't really expecting this to work.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

I am furious!

Unless DH (which at the moment does NOT stand for dear husband...) changes his mind, I will not be able to update all of you until Monday.

He says that we are going to tell the parents over the weekend, but since he doesn't get to tell his coworkers until Monday/Tuesday that I am not allowed to update my blog, Email my friends, update the boards...or even tell my best friend what the results are.

So...I'm really sorry. I know how much we were ALL looking forward to the possibility of celebration, or commisseration...and now it's been postponed because he's on a power trip or some such crap. Unless I can force him to change his mind, I will respect his decision. No sneaking on, no accidentally messaging anyone. Nothing.

Please forgive me - I have no choice in this.
EDIT/ADD ON: DH and I have been speaking. We have compromised. We will tell his parents Friday night before we leave so they have the opportunity to hug/dance/be excited with us personally. We will tell my parents Friday night (if they are awake when we get there, which is doubtful) or Saturday morning (as soon as we catch them). As soon as we are able to tell them, I will be allowed to update here. So...check back here Saturday night (I don't know when I will be able to update, exactly, so night should be good) for the results. I know it's not as good as knowing right away, but at least it's a compromise and y'all don't have to wait for Monday!

One day to go...and two songs

Only one more day to go until my beta! I'm a bit anxious, but I don't really have time to worry. I've had a few people ask what my "symptoms" are, so here's a list...and why I am putting no stock in them:

1) Peeing a lot, and it's orangish - It's possible I'm drinking more, since when it isn't orangy it's clear. I'm awake for longer, so it just goes that I would be drinking more.

2) I'm exhausted - but I'm only getting an average of 6 hours of sleep a night. I just started school and I haven't adjusted to a sleep pattern least not one that lets me get more than 6 hours. I've been taking naps every afternoon before work!

3) My nipples HURT! - my bb's usually hurt, because of the cysts, but now it's my nipples. They are threatening to leave me. I may be drinking more caffeine than usual, which could cause this - or they could just be being difficult. This isn't the first cycle this has happened.

4) My bb's are growing...again - at random! I noticed last night, so Aaron measured them and sure enough - they're growing again. But they do this - I all of a sudden go up two sizes for no reason.

5) I gag when I brush my teeth - but it could be because I'm still congested. I gag when I sneeze too, because it disturbs the mucus lining my throat!

So as you can see...pretty inconclusive. I'll find out tomorrow. And I have to admit that I'm worried about telling my mom - as you've seen in prior posts, she can be a bit of a killjoy. I want her to be excited and I'm afraid she'll say "Oh're getting yourself in over your head. You just started school and you already told me you're having a hard time - it's going to be even harder now that you're pg. If you think you're tired now, just wait and see." I already told Aaron I expect him to defend us, and I'm hoping dad will back him up.

As for the songs I mentioned in the title: I've had two songs running through my head in the past week. I've afraid of what they mean - I haven't heard them in 16 and 12 years respectively and they all of a sudden popped into my head. That usually means God is trying to tell me something - and I don't really want to hear it right now.

"Dance, Dance, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said he
I will lead you all, wherever you may be
I will lead you all to the Dance, said he"

They that wait upon the Lord
shall renew their strength
They shall rise up, with wings as eagles
They shall walk and not be weary
They shall run and not faint
Teach me, Lord, teach me Lord to wait.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Any suggestions, guys?

Well...I'm now about 9dpiui. I keep swinging from "If this worked" to "I don't think it worked, now what". I'm currently in the "Since this had to have worked" mode.

If we had managed this naturally I know exactly how I would have told DH. I would have grabbed my pee stick and gone speeding like mad to his office. I wouldn't have told him I was coming, but would have gotten security to let me up - or called his boss and asked HIM to let me up. I would have taken the pee stick and said "Hunny, I need your help. Please tell me what THIS says", holding the stick out to him.

Well...I don't get to do that. I won't be peeing on a stick, and it's not going to be a huge surprise if it worked. Yes, a surprise that it worked but a surprise we were expecting...if that makes any sense. So I don't get to go with my original thought.

I am making this post for a reason. I am asking your help in deciding how I should tell him. I don't want to act like it didn't work and then tell him it did - that's just mean. He's not a big sports fan, even of the local guys, so getting him baby memorabilia won't work. I just don't know...but I really really want a physical something as a teller. :) So...leave me a comment, give me your ideas. I'll figure out Friday what to do, just in case he deigns to read my blog. :) THANK YOU ALL!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I'm not gonna make it...

no, I ain't gonna make it. I ain't gonna make the first! [/twisted sister parody]

This cycle is taking FOREVER! I just looked at FF - which informed me that I am, in fact, only 3dpiui today.'s only been 3 days? Are you SURE it hasn't been a week already? Maybe I'm beta-ing THIS Friday, not next?

ACK! I knew it would be a looooooong 2ww but this is ridiculous! It's only been 3 days and I'm already going crazy(er). Maybe it's because I'm in school, and am thus now aware of time passing...or because I've been so miserable from being sick.

Speaking of being sick, I have to admit I'm worried. Remember my friend Jo from my posts last month, the one I was so excited about because she was pg...and now isn't? Well, her doc thought that maybe because she got sick and had a really high fever around O that she essentially "cooked" her egg - and even though it implanted it wasn't viable because it was "hard-boiled". Well...I started getting sick the day before the IUI. By Saturday night I was running a fever of 99.9 (normal at this point in my cycle is 97.5). So now I have to face the fact that I may have cooked my own egg...and this worries me a lot. I don't want to m/c...I'd rather NOT get pg then to have that happen. And we can't afford to do the IUI again, so this is it.

I know I have to not worry, and I know I should call my RE. I also know that most of you think I'm just being a paranoid git, but I can't help it. I've waited so long for this - and I just know something's going to happen to screw it up. Something always happens.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Because I couldn't resist

I very rarely make these - it's just too painful sometimes. But I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic this cycle. So I make a ticker - I'm hoping it will automatically count down for me (and you).

(and yes I know, they're very girly and pink...we're hoping for a girl so I'm doing all I can to encourage that)

Saturday, August 19, 2006

I'm officially PUPO

or "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise". I've entered the most anticipated and yet longest 2ww of my journey. I hope that school and work will make it go by fast. We'll start with some events from yesterday and move to this very moment:

Yesterday I had the trigger shot (as mentioned below). I took a 2 hour nap afterwards and woke up with a sore throat. WTH is that?! I talked to the nurse at the RE's and she says "coincidence" - but I also talked to some girls over on the ITSG board and one said she ALWAYS got a sore throat after triggering. So I was hoping it was just that, but today my nose has joined the battle - at the moment it is threatening mutiny on my face if I don't stop blowing it. :(

The shot site is pretty swollen and red - looks like a bug bite of the big kind. Probably about 3" across - and sore, sore, sore. Feels like someone punched me. And I can tell the shot is working - at the moment my ovaries feel like baseballs. I can normally only feel the right side, regardless of what side I'm Oing on. Right now I can feel both sides...and it hurts big time. I haven't had cramps like this since I used to get AF in High School, pre-bcp days. All I want to do is curl up and not move - I can barely walk at the moment.

The IUI went great, however. No collection troubles and my cervix cooperated beautifully. Took about 2 minutes all in all. May I say, however, that I HATE speculums? They must have been created by a man...or a masochistic woman. You'd think they'd find a way to make those more comfortable!

Beta is scheduled for Friday September 1 at 8:45AM. I am going to have to reschedule due to a class conflict that I wasn't even thinking about at the time...but it will still be on Friday. The timing is perfect - we're supposed to be going to my parents house the next day. If it's a positive beta we'll be able to take their presents down and give them to my parents personally. I'll try to take photos, but I make no guarantees.

This is my update for now. DH is cooking dinner, I'm going to go lay down and cry. Thanks for checking in on me!

Friday, August 18, 2006

We have a WINNAH!


I went in for my u/s this morning, to see how many follies I was growing if any. I have to confess a bit of fear - yesterday I took 2 opk's and the second one was lighter than the first and I was afraid I'd missed my surge.

Turns out I was wrong! :) I had 8 follies on each ovary. On the right the biggest three were 14mm, 13mm, and 11mm. On the left ovary, however, there is a 22mm, 13.5mm, and 11.5mm! You read right... 22mm follie. That's my kid in there! And I suppose it's possible that the right side 14mm could develop into a mature follie - only another 4mm to go, but I don't know how fast they develop.

After the u/s the nurse lady triggered me. I didn't feel the shot itself...but a few minutes later it started to burn/itch. And I have a small welt there - at least it's on a stretch mark already! I also went and picked up my progesterone - ick. Last time I used this I was allergic to the media used, but I got it from a compounding place this time. :)

Please pray for us tomorrow morning. We are scheduled at 9:15 for the IUI itself, but we have to be there by 8:00 for collection and prep. I'm a little worried about the pressure on DH...and that my cervix won't cooperate.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The b/w is back finally

The nurse called yesterday but I wasn't available because I was working. I called them this morning to get the full results.

E2: 3.6 (good to be low that early otherwise the rest of the results would be faulty)
thyroid: 1.8
FSH: 6.2 (yay for good ovarian reserves!!! More eggies in there still!)
LH: 2.7 (because this is lower than the FSH it does NOT indicate PCOS...woo!)
Prolactin: 6.8 (I am super excited about this one - last year it was close to 30, which is WAY too high. It came down on it's own, no meds!)

Here is a chart that gives a breakdown of the levels and what they mean, if you want to see it for yourself. I am just totally stoked - we're both in the normal ranges!!!!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Cycle update

AF showed on 8/8...which made my cycle 24 days. I went in for b/w on 8/9...they run it today and I should have the results by tomorrow.

Dh went in for his SA on Thursday. Last year his count was 65million, with 51% alive and 5% the right shape. This time? 63 million, 53% alive and 13% the right shape. :) That's right, ladies and gents...the pills appear to have worked. The overall number of good boys vs bad boys is in our favor.

Let's see...I took my last dose of Clomid last night. And oh boy - was the last day ever fun. Yesterday I had to take MIL to the doc. On the way home she decided AFTER I'd already passed the easiest turn to ask me to take her to get lunch. I was sitting AT THE INTERSECTION that I should have turned at, PAST the one that would have been the easiest, when she asked me. So I had to go up to the next major street and then double back...and she didn't even offer me a single sandwich (and she got 5 of them!!!!! for herself!!!!!) To top THAT off, I then went to go make myself a sandwich because I'm starving and haven't been able to eat real food since my dental appt last week. I look around...where's my bread? I set my bread apart from everyone else's so it wouldn't get eaten. It's nowhere to be found - so I ask MIL if she moved it. Moved it? Nope. Eaten it ALL? yup. SHE ATE ALL MY BREAD! Now I canna have a sammitch and I'm all sad and teary...over a sammitch. Clomid strikes again!

I swear being pg will be the end of me if Clomid is any indication. And today I found out about the s/e's of the trigger shot - oh, fun times shall be had. I'm going to be a basketcase for the first week of school - hcg + stress of school = basketcase! :) Ah will all be worth it, and it's all preparation for the real deal.

So...that's my update for now. I am scheduled to start opk's on Thursday, u/s on Friday...and hopefully IUI on Saturday. Please pray that I have two mature follies on Friday when I go in - I don't want to have to do multiple u/s's.

Monday, August 07, 2006

It figures...

the one cycle where I want AF to show up early so I can get this show on the road - she's taking her sweet time. Yesterday would have been perfect for her to show up - today would be good too. The earlier she arrives the sooner I get my IUI done! I'd love to have it done BEFORE I start school, which is in exactly 2 weeks from today.

I took my scripts over to the pharmacy this morning to drop them off. I was only expecting Clomid but I also got one for the trigger shot and one for progesterone. This RE isn't taking any chances - yay for aggressive docs!!! She's out to get me ku'd and by golly she's going to do it! :)

So now we wait...hope, pray, and wait.

Friday, August 04, 2006

And the RE says.....

We start this cycle! WAHOO! I am supposed to call on CD1 (which will be sometime between Sunday and Wednesday). The nurses will send me a script for Clomid, which I will take CDs 3-7. On CD12 I go in for an ultrasound and if I have at least 2 mature follies then they will trigger me and I do IUI the next day. If I don't have at least 2 follies they will wait - as far as I know from the girls on ITSG. Aaron is also going to call on my CD1 and get his SA scheduled so they know what to expect - no last minute surprises!

YAY! I could be KU'd by the end of the month...after a 2 1/2 year journey. I can't wait!

In other news, went to the dentist yesterday. I am, as usual, a complete mystery. I had a root canal done about 5 years ago on the tooth that's hurting. Because of the root canal I shouldn't be able to feel any pain in that tooth - but I do and it hurts like hell! Apparently the filling is breaking. I go in next Thursday (unless they have an opening earlier) to get a temporary crown put on. Two weeks later I go in for the permanent.

Wait a minute - two weeks from next thursday...and that runs RIGHT INTO MY IUI! ACK!! I just love the way my life runs - I want a kid, I finally have the guts to do it and now my teeth need work. I'm going to talk to the RE on CD1, see what she says about doing dental work at 3dpiui. AND I'm going to be in school - this is seriously not going to be fun. Nomi says the first two weeks aren't that important but I do NOT want to miss a day...for any reason other than labor and not even that if I can avoid it!

At any rate, that's my update. Whadddya know...I managed two in two days!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

More updating

Good heavens life gets busy! There is more to update than I'm going to have time for today, but at least it's a start.

Hello to my newest readers from The Marriage Bed. I appreciate you stumbling across me and I hope my language doesn't offend you too terribly. I tell it like it is - and when I rant, I rant!

Now what you've all been waiting for (NO it's not a bfp for me)...UPDATES! WOO!

We were offered the chance last week to start adoption proceedings for a little boy. One of Aaron's coworkers is about 5 months pregnant or so (due Christmas Eve). She was thinking she would have to give her son up for adoption once he was born and she offered us the chance. We talked about it - for several days - before deciding that we shouldn't do it. There are too many "what if's" involved, and we really want to try IUI at least once before we adopt.

Speaking of IUI, my RE should be calling me any minute for a phone consult. We're going to get a game plan in place so that when it's time we can just do this thing. (I was supposed to go meet with her but I have an emergency trip to the dentist in about 45 minutes so that's right out) Aaron and I might step up the timeframe for the IUI but we aren't sure yet. Timing is everything, I suppose.

I know it seems awfully selfish of me after all this time to try and plan my kiddo. One would think I would know that you just can't plan these things. But I don't really see a reason why the first IUI shouldn't work - Dh has plenty of boys, they just need a little help to get to the final destination. This is, of course, assuming that all my hormones are where they should be still. I'll find out next week, since AF is due sometime between Sundy and Thursday. ('s just like being a teen again and always being taken by surprise...) I don't want to miss finals if I don't have to, and I want to take as little time off school as possible. I'm worried about taking more than 6 months off because of loans, and then there's the whole "forgetting everything I ever knew" part. I'd love to have a kid in april, but that means already being pg...and I doubt I am. Part of me hopes...but the other part is terribly realistic.

And on yet another front: Some friends and I have joined Spark People to try and lose some weight. The place is pretty cool - not nearly as obsessive and contolling as most "diets" or plans like WW. You put in your weight and your target weight/time. It figures out how many calories you need to be eating a day, and how much of that should be fat/carbs/protein. I discovered that I was only eating about half of what I needed to! No wonder I wasn't losing anything - my body was fighting to stay alive! I don't use their meal planner - I just eat my regular foods and put it in there. That helps me see what I'm eating! Anyhow...if you join, let them know that Tigger sent you!

That's all for today, folks. I have to get ready to go pick up a friend so she can drive me home from the stupid dentist. And I'm really hoping the RE is going to call soon - I'm not going to be able to answer the phone with 4 pairs of hands, 6 instruments, and 25 utensils in my mouth at the doc's office....

Friday, July 21, 2006

All the latest updates

Dear Readers:
Thank you for bearing with me as of late. I've been absolutely, terribly, awfully remiss in updating. It's averaging 102* here and I have no a/c. It's been way too hot to sit in front of the computer and concentrate. Before I get started I'd like to plug a friend's blog. Wendy is one of my best TTC friends. She's a lot like me, only funnier than hell. She puts things into words and it's like "AMEN! That's EXACTLY how it is!" So - if you like my blog and aren't offended by "fart humor" (she asked me to put that...) check her out, let her know what you really think!

Let's start with the bad news. Remember I told you a little while ago about my friend Jo and how she was pregnant? She isn't anymore. She miscarried just after the 4th of July. The good news is that the docs think it was a one time thing (she got a fever about the time she ovulated and there's the chance her egg got fried), and that she has PCOS. How is PCOS a good thing, you might ask? Well, it means they can fix her - kinda. At least now she has a reason, and that's the good part.

On to more light-hearted things. Life has been busy lately. We finally got our new bed and mattress on Monday. We sorta miscalculated things and the bed takes up our entire bedroom now. We have JUST enough room between the end of the bed and the wall for me to squeak by to get into the closet - but its easier to just go over the bed. :) It's going to suck when I get pg - but I'm still doing it.

Once again I got into a terrible argument with my MIL about smoking...sorta. They've asked for a shelter from the weather - and the squirrels, who throw walnuts at them. So Aaron and I went to the store. I came up with every possible excuse they could use as to why each thing wouldn't work and we went with the one we thought would work. I was wrong. It led to a huge fight. I feel like nothing I can do will make them happy, that they are going to sneak into the house when I go back to school or find some other excuse to smoke indoors and ruin everything. She feels like we're trying to do the whole "our house our rules" thing because "you knew we smoked when you moved in here". YEAH? REALLY? And at that time I thought I would get pg on my own too! Anyhow, she also feels like we're trying to make them move out without actually kicking them out. This all causing much stress - she didn't speak to me for 2 days.

AF arrived that same afternoon. I'm not really surprised. Right around O time I was having my annual, so no bding for me. Then it's been so damned hot that I can't stand it. It was just a bad month, timing wise. We'll try again this cycle (shock!) The good news is that I had another 26 day cycle. This is a little weird, so I went and bought opk's to use. I'm not going to complain if my cycles want to straighten out - it just means I have to figure out what's going on again. And I don't mind that!

What else? Not really a whole lot. School starts on August 21st. I don't know how much time I'm going to have between school and work but I'll do my damndest to get this thing updated at least semi-regularly...beginning of each cycle if all else fails. Aaron is taking Fertility blend to try and make his boys all better. I figure "anything we can do to make IUI more sucessful is good" and while they make him nauseated for a few hours every day he figures "Jen's going to be nauseated while pg, this is the price I pay". :)

Thank you all for reading and sticking around, even without regular updates. I really appreciate it. I promise I'll try to do better in the future.

Friday, June 30, 2006

It's a happy ranty day!

It looks like December is going to be our IUI time!

The inlaws have agreed to smoke outside for the next 6 months. In return, we will do the IUI...most likely in December. Hopefully the beginning of December - what a Christmas present that will be for everyone! Assuming it works the first time, which I really hope it does because I don't think I have the courage to do it a second time. It's taken me a year to finally work up the nerve to even think about this!

I called the RE the other day before I went to work. I told the lady that I had been a patient up until last August and at that time we were told IUI was our only option. We couldn't afford it and weren't ready then, but life is getting in line and cooperating with us now...and we would be ready by December. I asked what we needed to do now...and she told me to call back in OCTOBER! ACK! I may call today and set my appointment for then...but if they want to do CD3 b/w that's going to be hard. My cycles are so wonky these days that I can't predict them!

I can't decide if I'm upset that they want to wait to see me or not. On the one hand, what if something has changed? What if my hormones are all screwy and need fixing? It might take a few months to get it all straightened around...and I'm trying to keep to a schedule of sorts so I don't miss so much school. On the other hand, however...I've started taking my Metformin again. Aaron will be taking a vitamin called Fertility Blend as soon as it arrives on the doorstep. I'm also working on eating better, losing at least 10% of my weight - all of which increase our chances of getting pg naturally, or at least helping the IUI succeed.

I'm just all up in the air. I don't know what to wish for, what I want. Mom's being a killjoy again - this time I snapped at her and she apologized. Hopefully that will keep her out of my hair for a while. I mean, I told her we were going to do IUI in December and she said "Oh just bought a house, you're going back to school and now you want to be pregnant TOO?" As if this was a new thing, mom? I told her that YES we want to be pregnant now...I wanted to be pregnant 2 1/2 years ago too but it didn't work and hasn't yet. I finally have the opportunity to do what the docs want, life is getting in order, and I don't want to be having my kids at 40 (no offense to the AMA's out there...). I want them NOW, dammit, not later. She said she's afraid I'm not thinking clearly about how hard it's going to be to be pregnant, go to school AND work all at the same time. I showed her that yes, yes I am. I fully plan on being sick morning,noon, and night while pregnant. I'm going to have to work anyways...I may as well go to school too. I can handle it if I have to - I'm an adult, realize it or not. I probably won't make it to summer semester next yet - at least, not in person. But I CAN take online courses at BSU, do it from home, just in case I get put on bedrest. If we do this in December the kid is going to be due in August/September...and I don't want to go into labor during finals. If I do it from home it'll be better.

I just really wish mom would realize that while we respect her enough to tell her when we are doing things we are not asking her permission or blessing. I'm 29 years old...plenty old enough to make my own decisions. Since becoming financially responsible I haven't screwed us over, gotted us in over our heads, bankrupted us, lost our housing, not had food to eat, nada. As a matter of fact we're in a better place than we ever have been - we've made great leaps and bounds in getting life to work with us in the past year. By the end of the year we'll have the bed to pay off...and then the monthly bills. That's it! We're growing up - it's painful, but it happens. I just wish she could see it. I'm the daughter who has questioned everything, always - the one who everyone swears makes up scenarios that could never happen, the one whose mother used to say "If Jen didn't have something to worry about she'd make something". The one whose mother is now saying "I don't think you've thought this through".

Sometimes I think she'll never be happy with the way I run my life - nothing will satisfy her. She's always told me to relax, don't worry so much, don't try to plan so far ahead. I'm not relaxing, I'm worrying as much as ever, and I've planned so far ahead I can't even see the end...and yet I try to only worry about a month at a time, or at least to the end of the year. It's June and I don't have my budget done for next year - I must be sick! :) But she has to see that I'm all growed up, even if I do still need my mommy and want her approval...right?

Thanks for listening y'all...this didn't turn out the way I thought it would, but hey - sometimes you just have to get stuff off your chest. I'm off to go clean the house (new furniture, and it's been 6 months..). I look forward to your comments!

Friday, June 23, 2006

It worked! It worked!

One of the friends I mentioned in the prior post got her bfp this morning! WOO! The rest are next, I swear it! :)

My mother in law thinks I'm funny because I'm so happy for others who are getting what we've tried so hard for. What she doesn't understand is this: These women are like my sisters. They're my best friends. No one understand what I go through on a monthly basis like these girls. We've shared everything...things you wouldn't tell your mother, let along some person you've never even met....but we understand each other perfectly. We've shared heartache, and joy, and tears...some have moved on to other boards, some haven't, some have given up and some haven't, but we're all still together in this. One of these girls getting pregnant is almost as good as getting preggers myself.

I know, without a doubt, that these women will be jumping for joy and shouting from the rooftops when I get by own bfp...even as I am doing the same for them. I have to resist the urge to post in letters all over the net "JO GOT A BFP!SHE's PREGNANT!!!" and to take out an ad in my local paper to the same effect. I want to scream it to the world! Instead I will sit here and tell all of you, and hopefully you'll share in her joy too.

So to the BFP Fairy I now say this: Thank you. Thank you so much for going to Jo's place and giving her this much deserved gift. I hope you find it in your wand to bless the rest of my friends (Wendy, Cheryl, Shayna, case you forgot) with theirs. You have your work cut out for you, but I have faith. You've shown me you are listening with Jo...keep up the good work!

To those reading: Thanks for sticking with me! I love seeing all the people who've visited me - some of you are new, some just stumbled in, some are repeat visitors. Thanks to all of you - I'm glad you stopped by!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I think the BFP fairy is on strike

She didn't come to my house, she didn't go to Jo's house, and she didn't go to Kimmie's place either. Where in the hell did she go?

To put it very simply: This sucks. This was Kimmie's last try...why couldn't it have been her? I can't think of a more deserving woman to have another child than Kim. She's tried everything she can do, her doc is being a butt and telling her she's too old. I say she's not. If a woman in her 60's can have a kid, Kimmie can too!

And Jo...she's another friend of mine from the WebMD boards. She and I have become really good friends over the last year or so during her journey. We're a lot alike in many ways. Her hubby travels a lot, but he was home this month when he should have been. AF is late - but her test was negative. If Kimmie can't have her BFP, could Jo have it please?

And then there's me...but I think I would rather my friends got theirs first. I can live without - I have enough things going on right now. School, the house, etc. I am hoping to be able to do IUI in January/February...the timing would be good then. This is not to say that if I get pg before that I won't be happy - I will - but if not, then I'd love for my friends to get theirs and let me live vicariously.

The following message is for the BFP fairy (just in case she deigns to read my humble blog):
Please go visit my friends. Kimmie, Jo, Wendy, Shayna, Cheryl for starters. Not necessarily in that order, but please, in the next few months, could you please go give these very deserving women the one thing we all want? What do I need to do to bribe you into this? They're doing all they can...could you cooperate a little?

and to the Baby Dust fairy:
Please sprinkle the above mentioned friends with truckloads of baby dust every day for the next 6 months...or until the BFP Fairy gets off her heiney and blesses them. Thank you!

Monday, June 19, 2006

It never fails.

I jinxed myself. I knew I would. Not 30 minutes after I made that last post I had to go potty and guess who'd arrived? You guessed it...just in time for my birthday. Guess it's a good idea I wasn't really planning on celebrating much.

It just never fails. As soon as I start contemplating testing, or start thinking that I might be late and maybe miracles do happen, she shows up. I start getting excited because she's not here at her usual time...and she shows up. One would think I would stop getting excited and hopeful every month.

Why oh why can't she just choose a day and stick with it? These games of showing up somewhere in a 3 day span..and then lengthening by one just to screw with me...are getting really really old. I shouldn't be surprised anymore (and I wasn't) but it's still irritating as hell.

So...for those of you who were getting your hopes up with me: I'm truly sorry. I'll try to be quiet next time. It's hard enough to have my own hopes dashed without dashing every one else's too. The good news is now you can direct all your thoughts, hopes, prayers, baby dust, what have you to Kimmie!

I hesitate to post this

because I just know I'm going to jinx myself.

My average cycle is 25 days. The longest that FF has recorded for me is 28 and the shortest is 23.

The past 6 cycles average 24 days:
1/02 = 25
1/27 = 23
2/19 = 24
3/15 = 23
4/07 = 23
4/30 = 25

Today marks CD26 of this cycle. We have been absolute bunnies compared to normal (about 2x as much as usual...I've been trying!). Tomorrow is my birthday, and the next day is my friend Kimmie's testing day. (She'd going her second IVF round - everyone cross their fingers for her!)

I can't decide when I should test. It's not like I really get to celebrate my birthday tomorrow - Aaron has Grand Jury duty all day and I have to work until 9pm. I'm no stranger to BFN's...lord knows I'm immune to that since I expect it. I generally refuse to test until I'm good and late, and about the time I start contemplating it AF shows up anyhow. But...we've been bunnies - almost twice as much bding this month compared to all the other cycles. I'm past all my average lengths for everything (ovulation, LP, etc).

Hmmm...guess I'll figure it out eventually. Maybe I'll test on Sunday. At that point I'll be past my longest cycle ever (31 days two years ago with a chemical pregnancy). Who am I kidding - I can't wait that long. I'll update y'all when I get around to testing. In the meantime - keep your fingers crossed for Kimmie and me!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Yay for less stress!

We're homeowners as of late last night. This is less stress for us - or at least for me. No more worrying if the inlaws are going to have trouble with something and get the house taken, or if I make them angry enough they'll kick us out. The place is ours, although they'll still be living here with us.

I tried to make a deal with them, but I don't think it is going to work. DH told his mom (so far) that if she & FIL smoke outside EVERY TIME for the next 6 months, I'm willing to do IUI to get pregnant. Her response was "Well, you'll have to talk to your father. It doesn't do any good for me to smoke outside if he's inside. And I'm not going outside when it's bad weather." I hate to tell them, but this is an all or nothing deal. Bad weather, good weather, too hot or not, I don't care. OUTSIDE! Weather is bad in the winter - that's no excuse. You want to have your nasty ass habit? If you want a grandbaby, get the hell outside. I feel kinda bad for trying to bribe them with the idea of grandchildren, but I've tried everything else.

This coming Tuesday is going to be my 29th birthday. My dearest husband has grand jury duty ALL DAY, and I have to work until 9pm, so I won't even see him. As a result we're going out this Saturday. AF should be here, so I'm going to go get staggeringly drunk. Shouldn't take more than a couple drinks...I haven't had much since we started TTC. And even if AF isn't here...I'm going to go drink anyways. I know, I know...I'm a terrible person, you shouldn't drink when TTC just in case you're ku'd. Know what? I don't care. The placenta doesn't form until 6 weeks, so that means the baby doesn't start taking nutrients (and bad things) from the mother's body until then. I think I'll be just fine - and if not, that's the price I pay. I have given up so much over the past two years for this - it's about damn time I celebrated a little. A birthday, a's worth it right now.

I'm also registered for my classes to start college in August. Here I am talking about doing IUI...and I'm going back to school. But I have a plan! Since my deal with the inlaws won't start for 6 months...if I do the IUI in January (February at the latest), I will attend the summer semester next year, take the fall semester off, and attend spring semester 2008. That will give me time to have said baby in August/September, be recouped by January, and the baby will be old enough to go to daycare. My best friend's MIL (the mom of my Dh's best friend) runs a daycare just down the street. I'm fairly sure she'll take my kiddo for me... :)

OH! I almost forgot! I think I may have solved a part of my frigidity that I wrote about last time! After writing all that, the next day I went out shopping with the best friend I mentioned earlier. I told her all that was going on and how upset and worried I was. She says to me "Hun, you know I love you and that's why I'm going to say this. You...are...a...CONTROL FREAK. You have to control everything. Living in that house, with the parents and sister around all the time, you have no control over anything. I'm not surprised it's affecting this area of your life. You can't do what you used to do anymore. We have the same problem. Between living with (her SIL and HER DH) and the baby being born, I have no drive left at all. I have to try, really hard. Figure out what turns you on. Then do it!" At this point, I had an epiphany. We have a laptop. Laptops can go anywhere. Even the bedroom! EUREKA! Since then I now have a new "bed buddy" named "Dell". He's my laptop...and my new friend. I don't think DH minds too much. We normally manage to get in 4-5 sessions a cycle...this current cycle we've managed 7. That might not seem a lot to you, but it's almost double what we normally get in! The cycle isn't over yet, either! WOO!

Anyhow...these are my updates. I'll try to update again when Af shows...unless miracles have happened. In the meantime...thanks for reading!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

I'm at a loss

I don't think I want to TTC anymore. I realized several things last night and none of them make me very happy.

Since we started TTC, our sex life has gone downhill fast. My skin cringes anytime Aaron tries to "seduce" me, having sex is just way too much effort. It's just ridiculous. Aaron has the sex drive of a 16 year old - me of an 80 year old. I thought having sex at least once a week was doing good, but he wants it every day. I usually manage twice - and we keep a record. But this is absolutely ridiculous. I feel so much guilt for not giving it to him more, he feels guilty for wanting it. Why should he feel guilty for wanting his wife?! I should be happy that he wants me as much as he does - but I don't. I'm irritated. I give in mostly so he'll go away and leave me alone - and that's a terrible thing to do to him.

I want to go back to the way we were three years ago. When we first got together we were having sex at least once a day, if not twice. It wasn't an effort. He still feels the way he did back then, but I don't. And I'm so very sad. I want to get back there, but since he never left I don't know how. It's not like we can move towards the point together - it has to be all me.'s daunting. I don't even know where to begin.

I was thinking and thinking last night - after having yet another blow out argument with Aaron about sex - about getting pregnant. I think I'm terrified of it. I know that I am absolutely adamant about not doing IUI or adopting until my inlaws quit smoking - but what if I'm also subconsciously sabotaging my efforts to do this naturally? What if my subconscious is telling me that until things are better here there's no way in hell I'm having a kid? Sex started going downhill after I got on the pill (we were just getting together then) and it never recovered once I went off. I'm thinking that maybe we should start preventing again. NOT the pill - never again will I take that since it took me almost a year before my body recovered - but condoms maybe. They suck - but it would allow the part of my brain that says "can't do it today, you did it yesterday and every day is bad for the count. No, you have to wait until CD7 before you can start the Bdfest. No, not in the morning only at night so you can lay there." and then stresses until AF shows up to GO TO FUCKING SLEEP. Maybe if I'm not worried about it because I KNOW it won't happen then I can focus more on my husband and less on getting pregnant.

I'm worried about my marriage. I'm afraid it's all falling apart and it's my fault. He says he'll never leave - he won't do divorce. Great, fine, and dandy - but if he's absolutely miserable and it's my fault then I'll be absolutely miserable and we'll be one of those old bitter couples that everyone wonders "Why don't they get a divorce?" And I don't want to be one of those - I want him to be at least content with me. I know I'm a bitch, and I'm high-strung, and I'm self-centered. He married me knowing these things, but I get worse every year...hell, every month. I don't know how to concede to someone else's wishes, no matter how I try. I'm trying to force him into my mold instead of making a new one. I punish him because I'm not interested in sex. I won't even go into details of what I did last night - I am so ashamed of myself.

I just don't know what to do. I am at such a loss. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. My mother-in-law wants a grandchild so very badly - no matter how many times I've told her that IUI is the only way and it's not happening until they (the inlaws) quit smoking, she still asks me every time we have extra money if we're going to do it. I want a child so badly, but the obssession is fading away a little more. Perhaps one of the girls I know is right - perhaps the universe is telling me that the time just isn't right for me to have a kid. Hell, perhaps the time will never be right.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

It's DH's fault this time!

Af arrived this morning and I blame my poor husband entirely! I knew I was later than normal, by a few days. I was getting ready to test tomorrow. We decided to FD last night, but I was worried he'd "poke a hole" in whatever was keeping the evil hag at bay. He threw logic at me (well, if you aren't pg she's going to show anyways...) but said I could hit him if she showed.

I got to hit him. I woke up feeling crampy, ran to the potty...and there she was. DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT I have a hard time shaking the idea that if we hadn't fd'd she wouldn't have shown, that it knocked something loose. I know that it doesn't work that way, that having sex doesn't knock the bean loose, but it doesn't help sometimes. Logic is not always enough to overrule the emotional brain.

So on to C3whatever...I'm seriously losing count. I wish my cycles would straighten out and be regular again - they were, before I went on progesterone for a month. I looked at my last 7 cycles. Including this one (and going backwards) they were 25, 23, 23, 24, 23, 25, 26. Before I took that progesterone they were ALWAYS 25-26 days. I took if for a month - and they went to 23 days on average. With a 23 days LP averages 11-12 days. BARELY long enough! I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if taking anything would help. I think I might not care.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

A little creeped out!

One of Aaron's coworkers was due to have her baby on the 21st of this month. On the 8th I dreamt that she was going to go home on a Thursday, have an 8 pound 8 oz little girl over the weekend and Aaron would find out about it on a Monday. (She was refusing to find out the gender, which irked me to no end).

On the 18th, there was an Email saying that Amy wasn't going to be coming in to work. She was having contractions. Not enough to put her in L & D, but enough that she wasn't coming in to work as her doc thought she'd have the baby that night. Friday she didn't come in and her contractions were 10 minutes apart. She had the baby on Saturday and Aaron found out on Monday. According to the Email that he forwarded to me, Amy had an 8 pound 8 oz little girl!

Now if that's not a little weird... I dreamt of a birth correctly, and for someone I don't really know all that well! I'm going to have to start remembering my baby dreams - maybe I'll have more for my other pg friends!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Why don't people understand? (triggery)

I have spent the past two days arguing with someone as to why the question "Do you have kids yet?" bothers me. I spend my days at work fending off this question from complete strangers. The guy I've been arguing with said I shouldn't get offended at this, and that my response of "No, unfortunately, we've been trying for two years" is uncalled for because it's rude.

Rude? I'M RUDE? These people are complete strangers to me. They ask me if I'm married , and then automatically assume that I should have children. When I used to just say "No we don't" I got more questions - and personally I don't believe it's any of their damned business why I don't. I mean, if they REALLY want to hear about all the testing we've been through, the heartbreak every month when AF shows up, the fear that I will never ever be able to have children and be a failure...I can tell them. But they don't - they're asking because it's small talk. And I understand that. But I also think I have the right to be upset about it...not at them, I never let them know, but at the world for doing this. And it's more their reactions that upset me - I can only handle being told to relax, I'm trying too hard, it'll happen so many times. And the pity in their eyes - I don't need their pity. If they're going to pity me I'd rather have money so I can go do IUI.

I did some research for this guy. He says infertility affects a tiny percentage of people. In my state alone there will be an average of 139,326 who suffer from infertility during their lifetime. 139,326! I knew it was a problem - but just think of that number. That's almost my entire city! What a way to put it in perspective. To REALLY put it in perspective: 29,365,540 people in the United State will suffer from it at some point in their lives. If there were that many people getting cancer in their lifetime you know something would be being done about it. And yet insurance won't cover us.

I compared the two. There will be an estimated 1,399,790 new cancer cases this year. It would take 21 years at that rate to match infertility - and yet we aren't covered. How the hell does this work again?

Alright...I'm totally upsetting myself. I'm going to go for now, try to calm down.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I think I'm out already!

I just realized that today is CD8, and I'm headed out of town for a few days. The night I get back will be CD10 and I'm going to be exhausted. I have a drive back that day...and then I get to go to work for 6 hours. Blergh!

We usually start the bdfest around CD7 and go EOD until CD13. (If you want to know what these abbreviations stand for I believe I have a link to a Primer on the right - there's a list there at the top) Not so this month - I'm going to miss out! Not sure why this matters to me, since it's not going to happen anyhow, but I don't seem to be able to convince myself to just give it up already.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

And here we go again....

woke up this morning with my favorite visitor. That's right...AF arrived for cycle 33! And this time she snuck up on me because I wasn't paying attention to my chart. I guess now I know why I was so very grouchy yesterday...bah!

This is getting so old. I ought to just quit's not like it matters anyhow. I'm probably never going back to the RE, I haven't temped in 6 months (ever since we got the results of DH's SA test), I take opk's every few months just to make sure I know what's going on with me. But it really just doesn't matter's not going to happen and I should just get used to it.

Somehow, though, I can't give up. Maybe it's because I've been doing this for 26 months. Maybe it's just become such habit that I can't...the behavior is ingrained. I'll probably be counting my cycles until I'm 50! Why can't I just let it go? Why do I put myself through this every month, knowing it's not doing to do any good?

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Yet another dream...

I had another one of those vivid baby dreams Friday night. This time it went all the way through labor. GAH! I woke up exhausted.

I've decided to start taking opk's again this month, just so I can see what's going on with my cycle. I think I'm ovulating too early...but I don't know what to do to fix it. Time to do more research! Just when I thought I knew everything there was to know...along comes something new to keep me on my toes!

I hope everyone has a very Happy Easter!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

On to C32....

I really ought to quit counting. This is just getting utterly ridiculous! I knew it would take a while - but 32 cycles and 26 months is a little more than I ever thought in my wildest melodramatic moments.

AF (Aunt Flo) showed up Friday. To add insult to injury, she was 2 days earlier than I expected. I think I'm going to do opk's this month - I haven't done them in about 6 months or so, but perhaps I should just so I can double check on me. Make sure I'm still ovulating when I think I am. I have been thinking about temping again the past few months - but that means finding a time to get up every single day, and I've rather enjoyed being able to sleep!

Going to try bding EOD this month. Since I have the lowest sex drive of anyone I've ever heard of I'm not sure how I'm going to manage this...but I gotta try. We'll see if that in combination with EOD works. Keep your fingers crossed!

Friday, April 07, 2006

The experiment so far looks like if we ever manage to get pregnant we're having a boy. We were hoping for a girl first as we both really want one and have the feeling we're only going to have one child...unless we get lucky a second time. On the upside, it's good for a girl to have an older brother. DH is one, I have one (but we won't count him) and a few of my other friends are older brothers. They DO come in handy from time to time. :)

From Jenny Renny

It took several tries, but I finally got a response from her.

I am 28 years old and have been married 2 1/2 years. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now with no luck. I am seriously getting discouraged. I was wondering if you could tell me when we might get pregnant - and if we are going to get pregnant, what gender we will have?
Answer:I do see a boy born in the Spring but I also see some meetings with a doctor before this happens. Im not getting the feeling that it is invasive treatment to get pregnant but maybe it's time to see a Naturapathic doctor in your area.

If you decide to try her out, just be patient. It took about a week before I got a response to my second request - and I never did get a response from the first time. I think it just got lost. :)

Jenny's Site

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Vivid Dreams....

Wish I knew what they meant.

I had a really vivid baby dream last night. I dreamt that we had triplets. the first child was born at 10:11 pm and her name was Helen Elizabeth. The second was born at 10:31 and her name was Catherine Brianna. And a day later I had a boy, and his name was Aiden Donovan.

Now...I've had dreams of twins and quads. But never ever have I dreamt of the times and names before! And it was just so vivid...I was smiling when I woke up! GAH! :)

Friday, March 31, 2006

From Mimosa

Having gotten a response from Cheri, I decided to try out a few others, see how they all matched. This one is from All Experts

I asked this question of "AskMimosa" on 3/31/2005.

Question: My husband and I are trying to get pregnant. I would like to know when this is going to happen and what gender we will have. Thank you!

This is the response I received

Answer: Hi Tigger,
I see children in your life so you are definitely going to have the family you both long for. However I am sorry that I can't give you any timeframe this time. But be sure that there will be wonderful children, probably two, in your life.

From Cheri @ angelfire

This conversation took place over several days. I will start with my original question, and post all others in the order they were received. The address for this particular woman is Cheri's WebMD Page
On 3/24/06, Tigger wrote:

Several of the girls on the WebMd boards have recommended that I send you an email, to see what you would predict for me. I have been TTC for a while now. :)

My screenname is Tigger062077, and I go by Tigger most of the time. Thanks!
On 3/27/06, Cheri wrote:

Hi Tigger

Sorry for the delay,Its actually taking me a bit longer to get to the emails (over 200 now) and with the weekend just here, dont have computer time till I come to work really:)

its definetly been a long journey for you!! I do see a son in your future, but would tell you that you might have to try IVF... Have you also looked into adopting and surrogacy?? I figure its one of those two options that you have your daughter.

On 3/27/06, Tigger wrote:

It's funny - you said almost the same thing the docs have said. (they said IUI...but they are terribly similar procedures) :) next question (and I don't know if you/they can answer it) is: If I go the route of IUI/IVF, how many rounds will it take to succeed?

(and will you add my prediction to the website? At least I could update you on the gender...)

On 3/27/2006, Cheri wrote:


Would tell you I think One will do the trick.. I dont see you needing more than two. Not sure if they are saying that because for two kids, you need one for each kid?

I'll update the site with your info in a bit:)