Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Pocket Pet anthem

Anything that amuses me and cheers me up is a good thing, yeah? As such, I present to you "Nom! nom! nom!" - the anthem of Pocket Pets everywhere! The first time I watched it I thought "aww...cute!" And then? I watched it again...and again...and again...and, well, you get the picture. I bebop to it in my chair, it brings a smile to my face every time, and I catch myself humming it at random. Without further ado:

Friday, April 24, 2009

And the fun starts....*edited*

I remember taking 1500mg of Met before, and getting "fire butt" as someone from my old TTC/ITSG boards used to call it. What I forgot about? The nausea that strikes as soon as I up my dosage to a proper level. Why did I forget? Probably because I haven't been at the proper level since the first time I was dx'd.

Nausea. In my chest. Not my stomach - that feels fine. But...it's like my esophagus is nauseated. I breathe in just right and I can make it go away.

I'm going to go lay down and try to sleep. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not - I have a feeling the fun is just beginning.

*edit* I was both right and wrong. The nausea wasn't just in my esophagus, and it wasn't just nausea. Not 5 minutes after I hit post on the first part of this, I went to bed. Within 2 minutes, I jumped out of bed and threw up 3 times. So...perhaps no eating right after taking the pills. I don't remember that part from before - I hope this means that the met is going to work better. I was right about the fun just beginning though. Stay tuned for more Met drama!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Oh the irony...

History: DH and I got together 6 years and 4 months ago. Roughly 6 years ago I started a BCP called Cyclessa. DH and I got married 5 years and 7 months ago. I went off Cyclessa 5 years and 2 months ago. We started TTC, because we knew it might take a while due to family history. Sometime between then and a year and a half after starting our TTC journey, I was dx'd with insulin resistance and put on Metformin (hereafter referred to as Met). At the year and a half mark, I went to an RE. She did the wandy thing and said "Hey! You have PCOS! OH! And you're insulin resistant!" She upped my dosage of Met and we went on to a treatment that didn't work (that was 2 years and 8 months ago). Since that point, DH and I have been giving it the college try...and eventually I resigned myself to living childfree. I have been at that stage now for about a year or so.

Yesterday: I read this article which says PCOS women also have an increased endometrial cancer risk. The risk of ovarian cancer is increased 2.5-fold, particularly among women who had never used oral contraceptives. Breast cancer risk is not clearly increased with polycystic ovarian disease. Just what I needed - another thing that will give me the kind of cancer that killed my mother almost 6 months ago.

Today: I go to the doc for a med check. I've managed to gain 10 pounds since he saw me a month ago and the only thing that has changed has been my meds. He upped my dosage of Met to 1500 (bring on the fire butt, baby!) to see if it will work a little better. When I mentioned the article to him and explained the whole "PCOS and all appeared when I went OFF bcp last time", he put me back on Cyclessa.

You read that right. The woman who can't get pregnant...is on birth control pills. Not for cycling reasons, not to suppress my ovaries for a stim. An infertile woman...on bcp. I think the only thing more ironic would be if I GOT pregnant. *looks at the sky and waits for karma to come bite her in the ass*

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Pour me, Poor me

I started typing this for Mel's Lushary but it took on a life of it's own and I decided to move it here instead. Some of this may be familiar, but I'm going into more detail because APPARENTLY it needs to come out. *Warning: this post may be viewed as a pity party. I just need to vent.*

I have fibromyalgia. Not severe, but enough to interrupt my life and make it next to impossible to do things - like stand for more than 5 minutes, lift stuff repeatedly, have energy. It's centered in my hips and lower spine, and there doesn't seem to be much docs can do. I'm on a new med for it, but don't know if I'll stay on it as I've somehow managed to gain 10 pounds in less than a month. I've already got about 60 extra pounds I can't manage to lose - another 10 does not make me happy. It's centered in my hips and lower spine, which makes moving difficult from time to time.

I also have scoliosis - abnormal curvature of the spine. I curve slightly left to right, but I curve severely from front to back. I have a large ass - and most of it is because my spine bends much farther in at the base of my spine, making my tailbone (and thus my "black girl booty") thrust out. I figured out last night that in order for my spine to appear as straight as most people's, I have to bend at a 135* angle. Having a double-curve makes life...well, interesting. The curves are not static - they are always changing in degree. It's painful, but I'm used to it - my back has been like this since I was 10 years old. Or at least, that's when I was dx'd with it. Mom thought I was just experiencing "growing pains", but when it didn't cease she finally took me in. The curves have never been severe enough to warrant a brace, but that may be changing. Unfortunately, I can't exactly afford to go to an orthopedic surgeon type person to get inspected. I don't think it's coincidence that the curves are worsening in time with the fibromyalgia and where IT centers. I think they're feeding off each other and there's natch I can do about it.

Before anyone says "if you exercise, the weight will go away", no - it won't. Go back and reread the previous paragraph. See that whole "not standing, not lifting, no energy" part? Yeah, that includes "no exercising", which requires some energy, the ability to lift something, standing, biking, aerobics. All of which cause pain and lots of it and I'm not talking about your normal "man I worked out yesterday and I'm sore" pain. I'm talking about "I can't get out of bed, I feel like I've been stabbed repeatedly, I can't move" pain that lasts for weeks. One day of trying to do yard work and not listening when my body warned me to stop wiped me for 3 weeks.

Aside from that, I have mild PCOS (just enough to fuck with me, not enough to actually warrant anything in the way of treatment) and am also glucose intolerant (since they usually go hand in hand). The doc I finally get to go back to now that I've graduated college and don't have to use their health center anymore is a wonderful, wonderful man who trusts me when I say "would you please up my dosage of Met because we both know that 500 doesn't do jack shit?" He upped me to 1000 at the same time he put me on the new med for the fibro (also at my request). I didn't have the s/e's that I expected, although I am finally hungry for the first time in eons. I'd say that's why I've gained weight, but everyone keeps telling me I need to eat more...and now that I am, I've managed to prove my theory that eating makes me fat.

I haven't worked since October, when I quit my job (that was dying) to focus on school and mom. I graduated in December and started looking for a job on January 2nd. I still don't have one. I had work through a "temp" company for 3 days, and the guy was supposed to have me come back, but he never has. That was in March. I had an interview about 2 weeks ago for a company that works with mentally ill people, but that didn't pan out either. The job market sucks monkey balls right now and it's seriously frustrating. I got this damn degree that all the companies wanted and now I can't do shit with it. I'm qualified to work in any office, if they'd just hire me goddammit. I've always been qualified - somehow I think 14 years in an office qualifies me - but couldn't get the "good" jobs because I didn't have a degree. Finances are tight - very tight. If anything changes (the SIL & BIL move out, my student loans come due) we're royally fucked. If things stay exactly as they are until I find a job, we'll make it. We've made it for the last 7 months...we can keep making it. That's not likely to happen, though. Loans are due in about 2 months, and the SIL/BIL were planning on moving out in August. One royal fuckage, coming right up!

When I envision my future right now, all I can see is myself becoming my MIL. Sitting around all day on the computer, watching TV, whining because I can't do anything without hurting myself, and generally being worthless to the household. I don't want to be like that. If I sit around on the computer all day, I want it to be by my choice...not because I don't have anything else to do. I never thought I'd get tired of spending 14 hours a day playing WoW, but I'm at that point. I miss being face-to-face social with people, laughing and joking and flirting. I feel broken - infertility aside. I have a brain that's always in a fog and a body that can't do what I want it to. At least I have a husband who loves me, and friends that support me.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Angry? It's all in your head....

*looks at the last post*
*reads about "getting anger under control"*
*falls down laughing*

I love how I can deceive myself so well. It turns out that the only reason I was calmer was because of the Cymbalta. I got off schedule with it during March and ended up just quitting. Within a week I was raging again, picking fights, being stubborn and ending up getting hurt. Getting so angry with my husband that I actually cornered him in the kitchen, screaming so loud I'm surprised the neighbors didn't hear us, and slapped at him a good half-dozen times. He easily fended me, of course, and it didn't hurt him...but...it's not good.

As a result, I marched my ass into the doctor, told him I was crazy as all fuck, and he needed to get me on something I could take at night. See, my morning schedule is never the same - I don't get up at the same time, I don't eat at the same time (or hardly ever, for that matter). My night schedule is the same though - take pills, go to sleep. So adding an additional pill to that routine is no big. Enter the amitriptyline again. I've been on this before. It works well for depression, chronic pain, and usually sleep. Only...after about a week or two, it stops helping me sleep. Not sleeping causes the pain and depression to worsen, thereby rending the pill almost worthless. So I quit taking it when I stopped sleeping. I have since decided that was stupid idea, and got the doc to put me back on it. That was March 26th - and as of 4 days ago, I stopped sleeping again. Ugh. At least I have some stuff to combat that now, so I'm going to keep taking "amy" and hope it helps. Huh...never did I think I would reach the point where I actually begged a doc to medicate me so I didn't "have a nutty" as Wilma puts it.

On a funny note: When I was leaving the docs office, he told me (semi-joking) that I am not allowed to commit any violent crimes between then and the time I next see him. That leads me to believe that I am allowed to be violent as long as it's not criminal, and I can commit crimes as long as they aren't violent.

So far, I think I'm ok. I did completely lose my temper the other night during a raid with my guild in WoW and bitch out a 13-year-old because he was doing stupid shit. I also happened to do that over voice, where everyone in the run could hear me. Talk about embarrassing! Of course, his father (who is our guild master) reamed me and then tried to offer an olive branch. I warned him I was in no head space to accept anything, but he kept pushing. I finally told him to f*ck off and put him on my ignore list. Not that smartest thing to do to your GM... *head desk* Lucky me, he knew I was on a tear and didn't boot me. I apologized to his son and everyone else who heard me the next day, and the GM when I later saw him. As I was talking to DH that night, while having a complete meltdown, we came up with the perfect mental image of what it's like when I'm angry: picture an octopus, sitting on it's underside, spinning rapidly in place with the tentacles flying everywhere, striking anyone in distance. DH has gotten very good at ducking and avoiding - says he's had a lot of practice.

Request for information: I have a forum friend who is not quite 2 months pregnant. She sent me a message the other day that said "Can you think of any reason intercourse would HURT LIKE HELL right now, cuz of cramps? Like menstrual cramps, until I orgasm and then it's more like contraction cramps...moves from left-center to just center. Also, doesn't hurt much if I'm on top." I told her I'd put a call out for information, knowing that my readers (those die-hards who still check on me from time to time) are wonderful people who might be able to help.