Thursday, December 30, 2010

Random Updates

Yes, I'm a terrible updater, but you already knew that. I intended to chronicle every week of this pregnancy, but you can see how well THAT worked out. I could blame several things, but the real reason is...I don't know what to say. When I talk about how the pregnancy is going, I feel like I'm complaining. A friend actually said "all she does is complain about being pregnant", which...isn't really what I'm trying to do. Being pregnant is WEIRD. Just WEIRD. There are so many strange things going on, like feeling movements and kicks that feel like my stomach flipped (like it does when you're nervous) to Smallfry having the hiccups, to all the usual pregnancy stuff that goes on. A running commentary is my style when hanging out with people, or when something is going on in my life, and to be told that I'm complaining makes me just clam up. I've come here and stared at the blank screen many times in the past 7 months, but I can't bring myself to write anything. least I'm going to try and write something today. If it seems like I'm complaining about anything, just don't read me. Especially don't do so if you're one of those who thinks infertiles don't have the right to complain. (Oh hey, starting point!) I am so tired of hearing "You wanted this" any time I mention something hurting, or feeling yucky, or having no energy (thank you fibro!), or just being tired. Why, yes, I did want this - does that mean that I don't still have the right to experience pregnancy as every OTHER woman who wanted this? I mean, a lot of people who have babies want them...yes? And they get to experience all the fun aches and pains and tired and sick? WITHOUT being told "you wanted this"? How is me being infertile any different - did I somehow want it MORE, and therefore don't get to enjoy it as much? I should "suffer" in silence? And on the subject of phrases I am so tired of hearing, "if you think it's bad now, just wait" is getting up there with the "just relax" of infertility. I mention being so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and I get "oh just wait until 3rd tri, it gets so much worse". Because, you know, I have a choice in waiting? Oh no, please let me experience that now, I don't want to wait! *eye roll* And being told to "breathe" any time I start worrying about anything. Yes, I know, my friends have been through this before...and yes, I remember them worrying about everything too. So why do I not get to worry? *deep breath* Ok, rant over...I think. :)

So: I started 3rd trimester on Monday. I'm still not sure how I got this far, but I'll take it. I definitely look pregnant, or so I'm told - I still don't see it from my "top down" perspective, but I see it when I look in a mirror or catch my reflection. I feel like I should be bigger, but eh...I'm sure that will come with time. Smallfry is measuring a few days ahead, but not enough for the doc to change my due date. I've only gained about 12 net pounds, but the doc is happy with that so I'm not worried either. I have my GCT next week, which I am SO not looking forward to. Even if I somehow miraculously pass the test, it's going to make me sick - it always does. Yay for the husband having the day off to take care of me! (I told him he didn't have to, he insisted...say it with me "awwwwww")

The rundown:
1st tri I was a zombie. 2nd tri I actually had a little energy and only needed 1-hour naps instead of 2-hour, and not every day. 3rd tri...I am not actually sleepy-tired, but I feel physically exhausted even when I don't do anything. Still not needing naps every day, and the naps I DO take are anywhere from 45-minutes to 2-hours, depending on how I feel when I wake up. I start with the shorter one and if I wake up groggy and disoriented, it's back to sleep I go. It's been hard to get used to this kind of tired, where I don't really want to sleep but I feel exhausted. The fibro has been gearing up thanks to all the wet weather, so that really isn't helping much. Smallfry has been really active of late, with lots of hiccups and movement. Monday he hiccuped so much it was starting to hurt ME!

Over the weekend, Chuckles came to stay with us for a few days on his way to see Giggles, who just had their 3rd child about 6 weeks early. He bought us a crib! Why? Because we bought THEM one when their first child was born, and he's in a position to "pay it forward" essentially. So yay - good deeds paid back, and Smallfry has a place to sleep. Not only that, but Chuckles was meeting one of Giggles old friends for lunch and when he told her that he bought us a crib, she asked if we needed a changing table, because she had one she was trying to get rid of! So we have one of those too. :) I'm all excited! Last night one of the husbands' old friends came by...and brought me a BIG gift bag full of baby clothes in all sizes, as well as a few "mommy gifts". :) Maybe some day I'll actually get pictures taken of all the stuff we've gotten and get them put up on our baby site.

I'm also scared these days. I have roughly 87 days until this child is born. I feel like I'm on a "trial period" - you know, like when you start a new job and they have you on a probation period? Yeah, trial period until I become a parent. :) I know my life is going to change dramatically, but I don't really know how. I don't know what his sleeping habits will be, or how often he'll want to be fed, if I can even breastfeed, how much direct attention he'll need or if he'll be an independent child. When do I start buying diapers? DH says we should start stocking up now...but I have no PLAN. I don't know how many I'll need in what size for how long, how big this kid is going to be when he comes out, how fast or slow he'll put on weight, how long we'll need diapers, when he'll potty train (yes, thinking that far ahead because DH's plan is to buy a box of each size until we reach the top and then start over). How many onesies do I need? Blankets? Regular clothes? Do onesies go UNDER regular clothes? What kind of clothes do I need for a late-March baby? Will winter clothes and footie pj's be too warm?  Am I going to go crazy after he's born? Will I be one of those moms whose PPD is so severe that I throw my child? Can I DO this (not that I have a choice at this point...)? Can WE do this? I'm terrified of the changes coming - I don't do well with a lot of rapid change, but I have no choice BUT to deal with this one as it happens. I'm just scared I'm going to mess it all up.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Baptism? Christening? Help!

I find myself in a position that I didn't ever really think about - that of "hey I'm going to have a kid and I know people do these things but I don't know why or how or who". We aren't involved in a church, mostly because we're too lazy to get up and go and partly because we have a harder time finding one that fits both of us - Baptist being the closest.  DH says that the hospital has clergy of every denomination on staff and that they can do both of those things as soon as the baby is born. But...

Is that the right time? Do we wait a few week/months for the christening? Years for the baptism? I know I've seen christenings done in the churches I've been to, and the baby is still very small and new, so that would seem to imply weeks. least 6, since I refuse to take my child out into a place with a lot of germs (a store, theater, church) until that point. But what do I do then? And why am I doing it - aside from "because that's what you do"?

And baptizing them into a certain religion - I'm not sure what I think about that. Shouldn't the child be able to choose what religion to be? Does baptizing them at an early age negate that option, or is it more so that if said child dies before being able to MAKE that decision for themselves, they're "covered"? Does anyone ever resent being baptized at birth? I mean, what if my child decides (god forbid and no offense meant to anyone) to be an atheist or agnostic - wouldn't baptizing them upset them later, since they didn't exactly give consent? I know, I know, I'm the parent...but I don't know how to be one of those and I can't ask my mom what she did when I was born, seeings how she's not a ghost and doesn't answer me. I could ask my dad, but chances are he won't remember - and probably won't admit to that either.

Help! Someone explain all this to me, pretty please!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Gender results are in!

We are having....

No, we don't know what we are naming him yet. We had a name picked out, but it's become very popular I believe and the one thing we agreed on was that we didn't want our child to have a popular name like we did.'s quite possibly back to the drawing board. We have (hopefully) 20 more weeks or so to figure it out.

Friday, November 05, 2010


I know. I have been terribly remiss in posting updates about this pregnancy. As a matter of fact, it appears I haven't posted in 3 months...and I have never gone that long without posting. I don't suppose "I've spent the majority of the last 3 months asleep" counts. No, I didn't think so. Well, let me update you for those who might still be following.

I am now 19w 5d. You can see my belly shots at Totsites, and we've been fairly good about taking them weekly.Be warned that the ultrasound pictures are up there as well, and the few items I have for the nursery. If you do go visit, pretty please sign the guestbook!

I have been blessed with an easy pregnancy so far. *knocks on wood* It hasn't proceeded the way I expected it would - I anticipated much heaving and nausea, blood pressure and sugar issues, bedrest, etc. You know, all the bad stuff that happens to us. Why? I'm not really sure, except that it took us 6 years to get pregnant and my body hates why shouldn't it be rough? Instead, I was an absolute zombie for the first 10 weeks. I staggered out of bed and off to work, where I proceeded to attempt to stay awake. It was really hard during training, and I apologized repeatedly to my trainers - thankfully they understood and did their best to keep me awake. I couldn't be left alone for 30 seconds or I'd drift off! I would then come home and sleep for about 2 hours until Aaron got home. Up for food, maybe some internet, and then back to sleep for the night. Rinse and repeat until about 10 or 11 weeks. I did have some nausea early on, but discovered that continual snacking keeps that at bay - yay for goldfish and cheerios! I also started showing at about 8 weeks, for those who knew what they were looking for.

Week 12 or so, I was less tired. Less tired enough that we actually got some yard work done that has been in the works for about 2 years. :) Starting at about 16 weeks I started nesting, of a sorts. I decided that we should remove all the caulking and silicone in the bathroom because it was a little moldy and redo it. In the process, part of the wall popped off and we discovered a lot more than a little mold and rotted wood. So...for the past 3 weeks, my bathroom has been torn apart and we are re-doing it. Just the tub area, and no I am not working with much in the way of chemicals. Just the silicone!

My dreams have been really vivid and REALLY weird. Most of the time I can figure out where the different elements of my dreams are coming from - books I've recently read, games I've played, people I've been around. Not so much any more - they're random.  I have a lot of worries and am getting tired of people telling me not to worry. When you've lived in the IF world, you know the things that can go wrong and how fast and it's hard NOT to be concerned.

So far I haven't had to get any new bras. I was out of my regular clothes completely by 9 weeks. Nothing has been done on the nursery (other than putting in my moms dresser) because we can't afford it. Hopefully by the time Smallfry arrives we'll have stuff - my shower is sometime in January, I think. We find out next week what gender Smallfry is, and I am totally stoked. Everyone thinks we're having a girl and I hope so - Aaron will settle for human, and I'll settle for alive.

Ok, I'm starting to input really random thoughts at this point. I think I'll go get ready for work, and I'm going to try harder to update. I'm just having a hard time with it on many levels, so please be patient with me.

Monday, August 09, 2010


I am now halfway through 1st tri! I know, it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I'm making it...especially, as Aaron points out, the first half is usually easy because you don't even know until you're about 4-5 weeks along. But hey - I have now known that I am pregnant for a week and a half and the kid is still in there! I plan on celebrating every milestone I can possibly think of. And? Being halfway through 1st tri means I'm halfway through no caffeine - just 7 more weeks and I can have a Coke! I haven't had any headaches from lack of caffeine yet, for which I am eternally grateful.

Symptoms thus far? Sore boobs, although not nearly as sore as they were for the first two days. Nausea almost all day long, but not too bad...and no puking yet, yay! Tiredness - good lord am I tired! I didn't sleep well for M/T/W last week, but I've made up for it since. I keep falling asleep in the middle of the day - not good, but I've been told to sleep when I need it. I'm taking something akin to Tylenol PM at night to help me sleep - doc said it was ok. Oh, and my pants - I can't wear them across my tummy like I usually do. It makes me even more nauseated than I have been!

I keep getting surprised at the rate at which things are happening. Like the pants - I thought that didn't happen until you started to show, but apparently it happens earlier...especially for those with sensitive tummies. And the tiredness - again, second and third tri, right? Nope, first, while the kid is growing in leaps and bounds. I didn't think my boobs would grow until later either, but everything says they should start growing NEXT WEEK! I think they're over achievers and have started early though. I went to try on maternity clothes last week, just to see what size I'm in now so I know where to start. The lady tried to convince me that I'd probably only gain a cup size - I laughed at her. I know, so rude, but I couldn't help it. I've gone from a 36B to a 40C since we've been together - and according to Lane Bryant, I'm actually a 36DDD (but 36 isn't comfortable on me). So yeah...not going to gain just one, I guarantee it. I had to try on a 40E with an extender just to get one that had a little room in the cup as it is!

Other than that, and the husband painting the room that will be the nursery, everything is relatively calm. I'm supposed to start my new job on Wednesday but I don't have the paperwork turned in because the lady won't call me back to answer my questions.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010


We have a heartbeat! I am so excited I could freaking burst! Instead I've been dancing around and "squee"ing all afternoon. I am finally excited. That's a real kid in there - it has a heartbeat, we're doing ok. I was terrified they'd find an empty sac, that I'd managed to convince myself I was pregnant and trick my body. Or that there would be no heartbeat when there was supposed to be one.

I have to wait until next week for the official results, because my doc is on vacation, but the tech said it looked like I am measuring where I thought I was - 6w3d. Go go Smallfry! Yes, that is the childs bloggy name - Smallfry. :) And yes, we are considering Kaylee as a first name. Why no, we aren't Serenity/Firefly fans, what gives you that impression? Just because my dog is Inara, and my child is Smallfry? :D

I have set up a Flickr stream for baby pic stuff. The ultrasound from this morning is there, as will be my belly shots (when do I start those, anyways?), and any other baby-related images. I figured a central spot was good, so all my family could get to it too without having to come here (GACK!).

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The results are in...already.

I got a call about 2 1/2 hours ago from the docs office.

"Where are you?" the nurse says. "Home", I replied, a bit puzzled. "Are you sitting down?" she says. "Yes, I'm in the living room on the couch. Oh God, please don't tell me I'm pregnant" I say as I begin to panic. "Yes, honey, you're pregnant!" cheerfully replies the wonderful nurse.

4816 is the number. I'm about 5 weeks along. This is my mothers fault - hers, and the rheumatologist. See, when they put me on the latest drug that I am (was) taking, he warned me that the drug makes you infertile. HA! I told him we were infertile already and it would take a miracle. He replied with "Well, miracles do happen, even when they aren't necessarily welcome." I laughed. I shouldn't have. And my mother? Well, before she died and was still...sane, we were discussing how Aaron and I were done, we were happy with our lives. And my wonderful, dear mother said "You know you'll have your first one at 33, because you wanted to be done at 30." And? Well, I turned 33 last month, 3 days before my last cycle started. I think I need to have a talk with my mother about staying out of my sex life, just like I did when I was a teen.

I always swore I would never tell anyone until 1st tri was over, but I've been telling everyone. I need support. I'm freaking out. I don't have my mommy, and I don't think I can handle my MIL hovering over me. She's going to be ecstatic. At one point she complained to my SIL that she was never going to get to have grandbabies because we couldn't have them and my SIL was dating (now married to) a man who was snipped. She said this OUT of my hearing, but SIL reported it to me because she was furious. I am already going to have to lay ground rules for the MIL - no smoking anywhere near me, nor the baby once it is born (assuming I make it that far). She's not going to like it, but I am not going to do anything to jeopardize this one.

I'm freaked. I am alternating between "I need a crib! A carseat! We're going to have to rearrange the house, and what about the animals?" and "I need to eat better. I don't think a coke and cookies counts as a healthy breakfast." I'm terrified that my period is going to show up after all. I don't think I can handle it if it does. I am so lost right now....

Sunday, July 25, 2010

It figures...

I always have tests in the house. Always. Except...I don't. I have 2 boxes of unopened OPK's, which I will never use again unless a doc orders me to, but no tests. So...even though I was going to test this morning, I didn't get to. AF still hasn't arrived. Doc told me on Friday that if it doesn't show up in a week to come get my blood drawn - hell, I can probably convince the other doc to do it on Wednesday for me!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Fun times!

Fun times are happening around here. I figured I'd better update y'all. :)

For starters, I gave myself a moderate concussion yesterday. How did I do that, you ask? (I know, because everyone else has asked too!) Well, we are in the process of rearranging the house. And in my world, when you rearrange one room, you inevitable end up doing 3 rooms, if not more. Aaron started in on the "red room" (our spare room, which has deep burgundy carpet) and moved the bed away from the West wall and under the window in the North wall. Well...that made it so that the side of the bed that was facing the wall was now facing the room...which, of course, meant that I had to take the mattresses apart and fix the bedding, right? And of course I would do this when no one was home to help me, right? Right. So. I took the mattress off, leaned it against the closet behind me. I then took the blanket I'd been using as a bed skirt (the bed is a double, my sheet sets are queen...see the problem?) and decided to tuck it under the box spring so it wasn't on the heater. I was standing at the end of the bed, where the bookcase is (see where this is going yet?), and lifted the box spring to tug the blankets. Now...the next few seconds are a little hazy. I don't know if I lost my balance, or if the box spring shifted, or if the world just tilted on its axis, or what, but I fell sideways and slammed my head into the corner of the aforementioned bookshelf. Insert much cussing here. I told Aaron about 30 minutes later and he immediately wanted to come home and take me to the ER - I insisted I was fine. A friend came online about 30 minutes after that and was quite convinced that I had a concussion, and those are simply not to be messed with. I called the Nurse Line, who decided I should go in. So...about 3 hours after hitting my head, Aaron got to come home and take me in. Another hour later and I was in for a CAT, which came back clear. Still nauseated and headachy, but apparently that can happen for up to a month! Brains do not like being sloshed about!

Second bit of news: Starting at 6:45 Monday morning, I am once again, after 6 months, employed! *shout from the rooftops* I have a job! That's right - I'll be a wage earner once again, and none too soon either. It's another damn call center job, doing more tech support, but it's work. I'm getting on brain meds now, and if I end up having to go on Top@max again, at least I'm not taking the fibro meds I was last time.

Speaking of fibro meds: I've been on Sulf@salazine for 6 weeks or so, and it's working. I was supposed to go get a refill today, but...well, I'm on CD30. Cycles are normally 23-25 days, with the random 28 thrown in for confusion. The last time I recall having one like that was 6 years ago this weekend, when I miscarried my chemical pregnancy...when I started the whole TTC journey in the first place. That cycle was 31 days. The rheumatologist warned me when I started on this med that if I became pregnant I needed to stop it immediately. I'm out of meds, except what is waiting for me at the I'm not getting them, and I'm testing in 2 days. I don't know if I'll remember to post the results or not, but if I don't, then chances are very good that AF showed. Lord and Lady help us if I am....I'm finally used to my life the way it is! Which, of course, means that is EXACTLY what Fate/Karma/You Name It was waiting for...

Thursday, July 01, 2010

A call for help

Gwendomama is a fellow IF blogger that I have been reading for about a year now. At that time, I came across her situation from the LFCA - her husband physically abused her in front of her kids. She took them and ran. It happened on April 13th, but she didn't tell us the full story until May 19th.

Since that time, she has fought with the legal system and with him. She had a stay-away order, which he got around by living on the other house on the property, which was only 20 yards away. He refuses to pay any of the bills, or move, or move his stuff, or pay child support. Still. Still, after a year and some, he will not pay anything towards his children. Yes, they are now farther from him - about 40 miles. He also still believes that his actions were perfectly fine - nothing out of the norm.

I could continue with link after link after link detailing what this man has put Gwendo and her kids through. But I won't. Because I'm hoping you'll go over to her blog and read her story. And then? I hope you'll help her out if you can. I can't, not financially, not yet...but I can do this much for her. I can use my blog to hopefully reach other people, who might be able to help her. The internets banded together and solved a few problems, but...there's more. There's a lot more. Until her ex-jackass starts paying child support and stops having his head up her ass, she's a single mom who needs help. So please...if you can...she has a paypal button up on her page, and is working on getting a PO box for those who want to send her goodie boxes.

My time is coming to be able to pay it forward. If you've ever had someone help you, and you're in a position to do so, now is a good time for you to pay it forward as well.

Friday, June 18, 2010


Sunday is going to be my 33rd birthday. I don't know what I think about that. This time around I seem to be a true Gemini on the subject, which is rather unusual for me.

Do I celebrate? Do I *want* to celebrate? Do I just want to run away and hide for the day, or should I go out? Cake or no cake? Remind my family and friends or don't? (My mother in law can never remember when it is, even though it's 5 months before her sons, exactly. Last year she didn't even wish me a happy birthday - I am still bitter about that.) Do I even want presents? Should I just tell people that if they want to get me something, send money so I can go get whatever I want?

I don't want to be an attention whore, but on the other's my birthday. I feel old. My hair is more grey than I had realized - I dyed it black, and it's fading out to my natural color (which was the intent) but because I haven't dyed it, I am truly seeing how much more grey there is than the last time I get it grow. I have honest-to-god streaks of grey. I should say silver, because it sounds better and they *are* shiny and not the dull grey you see in some women, for which I am grateful. We used to call it mithril, but that's because we're geeks. So then we get into the "Should I re-dye my hair? Well, I'd like to, but on the other hand I really need to let it heal. It's taken a beating and while it *is* getting better, it's still rough and dyeing it isn't good for it." Did I mention I feel old? I got a recent dx of arthritis in my spine, along with everything else.

I am having a rough time, mentally. I don't really think it's the age. It doesn't feel like it has anything to do with mom, although I will miss her call. I think it's just the fact that it's my birthday, again. We have no money with which to really celebrate it, husband doesn't get to go out shopping for me (although we did buy a kick-ass blender), and I doubt he'll even have time to get a card, nor will he think about it. My dad's card won't be here until Monday at least, my grandmother said her stuff will be here Monday or Tuesday. We're going to have cake with the boys on Saturday. It looks like my actual birthday is going to be just...another day.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

The newest fad diet

I assume that most of you have heard about the newest fad diet - the hCG diet.

There is much ire going on with me. Every time I hear a commercial I want to scream. My blood pressure soars, my stomach gets in knots. It is not good.

We all know what hCG is, or we should. As people trying to get pregnant, we rely heavily on those numbers to tell us what's going on with the pregnancy itself - is the beta rising, falling, not doubling like it should?

And now? People are WILLINGLY injecting themselves with it daily for a minimum of 23 days, up to 40 days, or until they lose 34-40 pounds. Now yes, that sounds appealing. I need to lose about 40 pounds, and I could do it in 40 days with this. But wait - there's more! While doing those injections, the people are only allowed to eat 500 calories. 500. Lets see...I'm sitting here are my desk drinking a coke and eating a snack-size bag of Fritos. My coke has 140 calories, and my Fritos bag has 320. I am now only allowed another 40 calories for the DAY. Really? The claim is that you don't feel hunger pangs because your body uses your own stored fat for energy and sustenance. Great - turn my body into a cannibal why don't you! 500 calories isn't even enough to support your normal brain function!

Does the FDA approve? Of course not. They know it's not good. They approved the use of hCG as a fertility drug. Guess what? Injecting yourself with hCG tricks your body into thinking it's pregnant. Using hCG improperly, as a dietary aid in this case, can cause you to get pregnant if your body turns the tables on you! won't know it, because a pregnancy test is GOING to come up positive if you're using the damn hormone and because you're tricking your body into thinking you're pregnant, you may experience other pregnancy symptoms (nausea, tender breasts, swelling). So now you ARE pregnant, but you don't realize it, and so when you go off the injections after 6 weeks, you have no idea. Meanwhile, you're feeding your poor fetus 500 calories. A coke, a snack pack of Fritos, and maybe a Hershey's kiss. Yup, that kid is going to come out JUST FINE. Oh - lets not forget OHSS, which is also a real risk with injecting yourself with hCG.

hGC is a controlled substance. You can't just walk into the store and get it - you have to have a script. Your regular doc isn't going to give it to you, not if he's at all smart. So where do you go? To one of those damn weight loss clinics, where the docs will give you a script before you can blink. These are the same people who thought the Atkins was a good idea, and probably the tapeworm diet of long ago. Really - you're going to trust people who thought that eating a tapeworm would be beneficial?! After more research it looks like it's available online - even better! Let's just order something we know nothing about from the internet and inject it into our bodies without knowing anything. How many of us had to take classes to learn about PIO injections?!

Let's talk about the weight loss too. The claim is 34-40 pounds within the 40 days. Most people lose that - those that don't come back after 6 weeks and try again...and that goes for those that the weight comes back for. My doctors freaked out when I lost 15# in 2 weeks due to a random side effect that I was never able to duplicate, generated from starting two meds at the same time. I repeatedly stopped them and started them again after a few weeks to see if I could make it happen again, but no go. It was just a random occurrence. My doctors also freaked out when I gained 20# in a month from a medication. Apparently neither one is healthy to do, shockingly enough. Yet...these weight loss "doctors" are counseling people to lose the equivalent of that 15# every two weeks. It's not healthy! A couple pounds a week, yes - and we're talking 3-5 pounds, and if it's done in a healthy way, like exercise and not drugs.

People are so...hooked...on trying to find a fast way to lose weight. You didn't GAIN that 40 pounds in 2 months, what makes you think you should be able to lose it? I heard once that it takes twice as long to lose the weight as it did to gain it - so those who are pregnant and it took them 9 months to gain the 40 pounds, you're looking at 18 months to lose it! But people try crash diets and fads, injecting and ingesting all manner of unknown things, just to lose weight. I'm not a proponent of exercise - I'd be a hypocrite if I was, since I never get off my ass. I also don't try fad diets. I watched my mother try diet after diet after diets I can't even remember when I was younger, and her weight just yo-yo'd up and down, it never stayed off. My mother, like me, was not a big eater. She ate more than I do, but I eat barely enough to meet my metabolic needs (and I'm not even 100% certain about that!) She gained baby weight and just never managed to lose it. After every diet, she ended up gaining more weight than she lost.

I can't help but wonder...what long term side effects is this fad diet going to have? How is it going to affect the fertility of those involved? If your body gains an immunity after 6 weeks, what happens if you get pregnant when you go off of it? Will your body recognize that it is actually pregnant, or will it just go on as it normally does...which means if you don't realize it, that fetus could starve? What happens to the men who take this? Yes, hCG is present in their bodies as well...but the amounts are very small, and this will boost it. I'm just really worried and angry about this whole thing. It's the worst fad to come along in a long time, and all because docs want to make money.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I apologize...

I had to turn on the "Registered Users - including OpenID" option for my blog for the first time, even though I really hate doing that. It adds an extra step to commenting and becomes downright annoying at times. It was the only way I could think of to solve a problem I've been having, however - one post was repeatedly getting spammed by the same person (I think - it was in Oriental characters) with the same message (again, I think - Oriental characters) every day. I have comment moderation turned on for posts over 30 days old, so that the comments don't appear without my approval...but I got tired of having to reject it every day. Turning on the registered users option keeps the bot from doing that, and from my blog turning into something that boosts spam sites. Please forgive me.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Random videos

There isn't much going on right now. Went to see a rheumatologist, he's checking me for everything under the sun, making sure nothing was missed. Still don't have a job. That's about it. So...I've been listening to pandora a lot lately and have come across several songs that I want to be able to find again. You are being subjected to a random variety of videos at a whim - enjoy!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Pimping for a friend

My friend Amy wrote a novel and is in the process of editing it to submit to an agent. Part of her story was selected for a writing contest. She was all the way up to 4th place...and the entry got deleted somehow, so she has to start over. It occurred to me that a lot of you who read my stuff might actually like her story - another friend described it as "if you like fantasy or young adult (or god forbid, Twilight), you'll like this" and I agree. It's very intriguing and I would really appreciate it if you'd go take a read and vote for her!

Melissa Marr Writing Contest, Amy's Entry

PS: We have discovered that you can vote from multiple computers in the same household, as well as your phone if you have one that goes on the web - it counts IP addresses.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Naked Me

Read Me
Read Me too!

May 14th is "Bloggers Without Makeup" day, a day for us to show our real selves. Most of my pics that I have put up have been without makeup anyways, since I only wear it for work or going out, but I thought I'd put up a few anyways. Now you can see something besides my tiny profile or Facebook pics!

First up: Me, just out of a shower. No makeup, face all pale from the heat, and giving the husband "the look".

Next up: Immediately after having my gallbladder removed in 2007. You want the real me? Well, a bit dopey, but...

And last: These two were taken just a few months ago, about a week after I dyed my hair...

So there you have it - the "real" me. :)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Celebratory Society

Mel made a most excellent post today, about reaching out to others. I thought "what an excellent idea! It will give me an excuse to de-lurk on some blogs, and perhaps find others that speak to me!" Given that I am not a particularly eloquent writer, I just snagged Mel's sample post and put it here.

Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in.  After giving back to others at the Celebratory Society, I have decided to participate in it myself.  You can understand the project in full by clicking here, but in brief, the Celebratory Society is an online festschrift for a blogger--a way for you to tell me what my blog or actions mean to you.  But this isn't about me--this is about you too.  And I would love it if you returned to your own blog, started your own Celebratory Society post, added it to the main project list, and gave me the opportunity to tell you

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Hot buttons and triggers oh my!

Remember way back when I used to talk about Giggles and Chuckles quite a bit, because they were living with us? Guess who is pregnant...again? Yeah... They had the first one about a week after moving out of our house. The second one was born a year later. At least she waited about a year and a half this time...I think Chuckles was out of the state for the first little bit though, so that explains that! My MIL called my husband tonight to have him tell me, before I found out from anyone else. Like, oh, say, a facebook status. At least now I know I need to hide him so I don't see it! Once again I have learned that I simply can't tolerate some things very well...still. GOD DAMNED FUCKING FERTILES!

*ahem* *pardon me*

Another family member has found me on Facebook. Yes, I said another. So far, both uncles, my aunt, all 3 cousins, my sister, her sister D, HER sister T, and D's husband have all found me. D also had one of her granddaughters friend me. Then my brother found me through my sister - oh yay. Because, you know, I want HIM back in my life. And now, tonight, T's sister L friended me. Now I know - most of you are asking yourselves "Why doesn't she just refuse the invites?" Well...if you'll recall, I have gotten used to trying to keep family harmony. I couldn't very well have my sister as my friend and not my brother. I also couldn't think of any valid reason not to have T & D as friends. L...well, if her sisters are friends...and I remember her from when I was a kid...*shrug* it seemed ok. Until tonight. Why? I have FB up constantly - it never gets shut down unless the browser crashes or I have to reboot. So tonight I'm actually at the computer while waiting for dinner to arrive and up pops a message from L. We have the following conversation:

L: Hey, do you remember me? I used to live with you when you were a kid?"
Me: (not that it was long, but...) yes, I do.
L: You sure have grown up! I wish y'all would stop doing that to me.
Me: (Tries not to be snide about how everyone grows up, get used to it) *insert inanities about understanding, nephew growing up fast*
L: "I'm really sorry about your mom. How's your dad?
Me: (Trying not to type out my thoughts, which are along the lines of "Thank you for appearing back in my life after about 25 years and poking your fingers into my sore spots, and reminding me that my mother has been dead for a year and half in 4 days") Working, trying to retire.
L: You got married recently, didn't you?
Me: (Thank you for paying so much attention to my life while you butt in) 7 1/2, almost 8 years ago.
*(and at this point y'all know what's coming...right?)*
L: Wow. No kids yet?
Me: (Tries not to scream as the woman steps in it yet again, debates on how to answer) Nope - we can't have them.
L: Well, at least you two have each other and time to enjoy it. Not like me - we have 3.
Me: (growls, grumbles, glares and makes no comment)

Really - managing to hit the mom trigger, the fertility trigger, and the "aren't you just so grown up!" trigger in less than 5 minutes. A little impressive. My brother said he was surprised I had her as a friend - I explained the whole family harmony thing and as long as she doesn't irritate the fuck out of me on a daily basis, I should be fine. He proceeded to tell me how nosy, annoying, scheming and conniving she was. *shrug* She can't touch me here, and if she gets too bad, I'll just block her I guess.

Oy. Stupid freaking people.

On that note....I have hesitated at posting this, but I have started a blog chronicling my fibro journey. It will be how I feel when I am feeling like blogging it, bits of research I come across, etc. Much like I do with the cancer blog. If you want to read it, let me know and I will send you the link. :) I know it's not going to be interesting to everyone, so don't feel like you have to read it.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Strict OK Abortion Measures passed

Read that article. It talks about two bills that were passed in OK yesterday.

The first bill requires that women who are getting an abortion, regardless of reason, watch an ultrasound of THEIR FETUS and listen to a detailed description of it. The doctor MUST set the monitor up so the woman can see it and then point out heart, limbs, organs. No exceptions - not for those who were raped, or victims of incest, or terminating because the child will not survive outside the womb. This is absolutely barbaric. I believe it to be unconstitutional - it should fall under "cruel and unusual punishment". It's hard enough for women to get abortions as it is - pickets standing outside telling her she's a murderer, and let's not discount the emotional cost to a woman. She may not realize it at the time, but she will later. They are setting women up for mass amounts of PTSD. I wouldn't be surprised if the next part of this bill becomes "Make the woman watch the ultrasound machine while you perform the abortion itself, and then show her the remains". It's like we've stepped back 600 years, to when women weren't thought of as intelligent. Do they think we don't know what the fetus looks like? Do they think women just casually go "oh dear, I'm pregnant and I don't want to be. Guess I'll go down to the corner clinic and get an abortion."? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of debating and thinking and crying that goes on before the decision is made. This is just...barbaric. It's really the only word I can come up with.

The second bill prevents doctors from being sued if they failed to give the parents information on defects while the child was still in utero. So doctors no longer have to give that information out, because they are protected. If they don't give the info out, the parents can't prepare for it - or decide to terminate. Oh! But if they DO decide to terminate, refer to bill #1.

It looks like there are two other bills expected to pass as well. One makes the woman fill out a long form stating why she wants an abortion - which will then be put online as part of statistics. Talk about violation of privacy! One can only hope that they are least keep the personal information confidential and just use the numbers. But again, this is already hard enough, emotionally - why make it harder? The second bill restricts insurance coverage - but most insurance companies I know don't' cover it anyways.

Do they really think a woman who wants an abortion is going to say "there's too many hoops, I'm not doing it"? No, she'll find a back alley somewhere and have someone do it. Or pay to have someone hit her enough that she miscarries. Or she'll take drugs that will cause a miscarriage. And should all that fail, she'll have the child and hide it in a dumpster.

I hope that OK is prepared to deal with the consequences of their actions. I hope they have counseling services available, starting now, for all the shit that is going to hit the fan.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Still undecided...and rambling.

I am still undecided on the issue I mentioned in the prior post. Do I? Do I not? Does it really matter? Will it help someone? Will it harm me to dredge it all up again on "paper"? Do I want it out there for everyone to read? If I DO submit, do I do it under Tigger or another name? Do I link back to here or not? It's not like family knows about either blog, and neither do my friends. Well, they know I have one but they don't know where it is. And I've been careful (I think) not to associate my real name with them so they can't find me. And my story is...a lot of vagueness. A lot of misty thoughts, memories, etc. There are only a few concrete things, and even those are...not remembered so well.
In other news...well, there really isn't any. The weather might be shaping up so I can start walking again. I tried to get into a clinical research trial for neuropathic pain, but they think my fibro is going to exclude me. I don't know WHY, when fibro IS neuropathic pain...but whatever.

I was doing some research today and found a lot of really interesting info on fibro from a biological standpoint. It got me to thinking: I was diagnosed with TMJ when I was 16, and hypoglycemia at 17. I have had so many digestive issues over the years. If someone comes up and pokes me, or I brush up against something, I feel a "memory" of that for a good 5-10 minutes...and have recently discovered that not everyone feels that! I never knew it was unusual. I thought I had really tense muscles or good muscle memory!

I often get asked by docs if anything worsens my symptoms and when I tell them yes, everything...they look at me blankly. I'm not sure why: An epidemiology study consisting of an internet-based survey of 2,596 people with fibromyalgia reported that the most frequently cited factors perceived to worsen fibromyalgia symptoms were emotional distress (83%), weather changes (80%), sleeping problems (79%), strenuous activity (70%), mental stress (68%), worrying (60%), car travel (57%), family conflicts (52%), physical injuries (50%) and physical inactivity (50%). Other factors included infections, allergies, lack of emotional support, perfectionism, side effects of medications, and chemical exposures. (Same wiki article I linked before) And they wonder why I tell them everything makes it worse, nothing makes it better.

After reading this article and a few others, I at least feel a little better mentally. I've been wondering if it really WAS all in my head (well, it is because it's my brain that doesn't work, which we all know, but you know what I mean...) and that I was imagining things. I've wondered why it settles in my hips, when there is nothing wrong with them. I wondered why it hurts more when I've been resting and not when I'm working - but I hurt like a mother fucker when I'm done cleaning.

I still rage against this disease that isn't really classified as a disease, but must be a disease because insurance companies don't have codes for imaginary things. I hate having this - I doubt anyone likes it - but I can't fix it. It's gotten to the point where I can't wash my own hair, because I can't keep my arms up long enough to get all the soap out (my hair is 19" long, but I really don't want to cut it). I can't brush my hair after the shower either - my husband has to help me with both things. This interferes with my life and personal care...and yet it is not eligible for disability because it isn't REAL. There is no "scientific test" that will detect it, no lab work, nothing. You can have some symptoms and not others, some people have a little pain, others so much it's not to be belived. And, it's not REAL. I could scream.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The thoughts in the brain go round and round...

I read a post by Gwendomama the other day that resounded in a spot deep within me. I followed it to Violence unSilenced, a website dedicated to stories submitted by abuse survivors. I'm not just talking about sexual abuse or physical - there's also mental, emotional, and psychological abuse. There are stories from men and women, with all varying degrees of horrifying.

But this post isn't really about the website. It's about me, and what I've realized, and I believe for the first time I'm posting a little bit on this and my thoughts. I am not posting the whole story. Maybe one of you will have some insight for me.

When I was younger I was molested by the old man who lived near us. My mom found out and put a stop to it. There wasn't any talking about it, except a few times she asked me if he had started again. I just don't think she knew what to do with it, or how it would later effect me. Hell, I'm still not sure just what effect it has on me, how much of my issues can be blamed on him or the things that followed.

My first real boyfriend was a controller. Mom knew it, tried to tell me, I wouldn't listen. I thought he was sweet, always wanting to know where I was and if I was home yet - that he missed me and wanted to talk to me. When I went to college, there was another boyfriend - this one was mentally manipulative. Then John, who cheated on me and I still stayed. My ex-husband, who was controlling in every way, shape, and form. My ex-fiance, who was emotionally unavailable and made me feel like I was an emotional wreck.

I exhibit some of the classic victim signs, especially if someone is angry with me. I fall into the "it must be my fault. I didn't do right. If I had handled it better, it would all be ok and they wouldn't be angry." Even when it's not my fault, they're just taking it out on me or being a prick...I still fall into that. I spent my first marriage apologizing A LOT. I noticed last night after a personal confrontation with a guildmate that I thought was a friend that I do this. I never REALLY realized it until then, after reading Maggie's site and seeing the stories of behaviors.

The problem is: What do I do with this? How do I NOT react like that when, as I think back, I've been doing it for over a decade? Maybe longer, but I am not sure of that. I know my parents didn't abuse me in this manner, although my father was also mostly emotionally unavailable (which explains most of the men in my life being that way as well) and my mother had MPD when I was a kid (one of which was a very angry person). So...who knows? I just don't know what to do with this. I haven't yet decided if I want to submit my full story to Maggie or not - the whole thing is "mild" compared to what I've read, and yet they repeatedly say that abuse is abuse is abuse - mild, severe, and in between. I just...don't know.