My mother, My sister, and Me

(cross-posted to Colorful Medication)

I got a call from my dad last week. My sister had her annual mammogram and an ultrasound of her only remaining ovary ( I don't know why the latter was done). They found a lump in her breast and a cyst on the ovary.

Fuck.

The tech told her to just wait 6 months and get tested again. In an uncharacteristic move, my sister actually disobeyed and went to her regular doc. Given family history (which her doc knows all about), the doc has decided to give it a few weeks and do the tests again. So...the Monday after Christmas, my sister is having another mammy and u/s. If the cyst is growing, they're just going to remove the ovary completely. My sister said she's not willing to risk a single cell remaining and have it come back like it did with mom. Of course, they did a total hysterectomy on mom too...but I won't point that out. I don't know what they're going to do about the lump - I guess it depends on size. If it's small enough, perhaps they can just remove it and biopsy it like the did with mom's.

I...can't go through this again so soon. Or ever. But really - it's barely been 13 months since mom died. I simply cannot deal with the fact that my sister might have cancer. And what if she DOES? What if it becomes not a "might have" but a "does have"? I can't go down there like I did with mom - my sister lives 8 hours away. Then there's the whole "I'm not exactly THAT close to my sister" factor. We're sisters, but we're not best friends. We've spoken...4 times? since mom died. Maybe. That's being generous. We just don't talk that much. We're 10 years apart, we didn't grow up together - I was 8 when she got married. We got closer when I moved out on my own, but still - we're not close. She didn't even bother to tell me any of this - I had to hear it from my father. And when I asked how she was holding up? She just told me about the appointment. I don't understand her in the least. She also has more than just her husband to take care of her - she has two sons, at least one of which will help out. The youngest...he's taking the route of my brother, so I don't count on him. But still. I just can't do this. I can't fathom the possibility of losing another family member to cancer. I...

Can't. Won't. Don't want to. The idea makes me want to go into a full-blown panic. I want to run screaming. I want to cry. I want to throw things. And this is all before I even have any answers.

I feel bad...

I just went through my blog reader and deleted some blogs I've been following. Some because they never update anymore and some because they've simply gone in a direction that just doesn't work for me. The ones that don't update...well, I kept them around for a long time because if they DID ever update I wanted to know about it. There's one still there like that, because I'm really hoping that she'll come back. Really, really hoping. The rest...well, I don't know. I didn't really read them that long, so there isn't really a big connection. I still feel bad, though. I don't update that often, although I do at least update more often than once ever 6-8 months. I know I still have at least one reader (hi Jess!) and probably more than that, if statcounter is to be believed. That could just be people stumbling by, though. I know the people I removed probably won't miss me - it's not like I'm an "Iron Commenter" or anything, and I doubt many people look very often to see who is following them and who has stopped, and it's not like they're going to contact me to find out why I stopped and it's not like they follow me. I still feel bad.

As for those who went in a different direction...that happens. What started out as IF blogs turned into mommy blogs. Which is GREAT - don't get me wrong. That's the WHOLE idea - If turns to treatments turns to baby...right? Right! Most of the time, hopefully. And baby means mommy blogs. And some mommy blogs I can handle and I'm fine with and I like reading. But some I just can't. It's all about writing style. I think these bloggers lost me a long time ago, I just wouldn't admit it. I felt...obligated? to keep reading, because I started reading while they were in the middle of IF (or the beginning) and I owed it to them to keep supporting them until the end, whatever the end was. I just...don't fit anymore. *shrug* And I doubt they'll miss me. Again - not a big commenter. And they have LOTS of followers, so I don't think one will be missed.

I still feel bad. I feel like I should keep reading.

Restless Legs

I appear to have developed Restless Leg Syndrome on top of everything else, if my suspicions are correct. The last few nights I've been unable to sleep in bed because my legs are twitching so much. I've had to sleep in the recliner, where it takes me about an hour and a half to finally get my legs to calm down. Every 15-30 seconds they twitch and jerk - feels like I have something under my skin, or they're trying to cramp.

My father called while I was writing this and I told him about it (mistake, I know). He tried to tell me it's because of the work the chiropractor is doing, that because of the adjustments I can now feel the nerves in my legs. Um, dad? It's not like my legs have been dead for the past 32 years. They're just fine - I feel pain just fine, believe me. This? Not PAINful, just really uncomfortable. I feel like a marionette!

RLS isn't uncommon for people with fibromyalgia. According to this site, "Many people with fibromyalgia suffer from restless leg syndrome symptoms. RLS causes unpleasant sensations in the lower limbs, so much so that the limbs have to be moved in order to reduce the pain. RLS occurs mostly at night, between the hours of 10:00 pm and 4:00 am, though it can also occur throughout the day in severe cases. It is thought that somewhere between 20% and 40% of fibromyalgia sufferers also have RLS." Consider now that I get off work at 9:30 at night, go to bed at about 1:30 or so, and start having issues as soon as I lay down.

It seems odd that it cropped up at the same time I started taking meds for a UTI. I've looked into it and that's really not one of the side effects...so I really think it's just coincidence. I have at least another 3 days of the meds, so we'll see what happens when I stop taking them. If it continues I'm going to have to go talk to the doc.

Joy. I needed another syndrome. I wonder if that's my superhero name: Syndrome Girl

Safe spots

It looks like I might be posting more, maybe. Yeah, yeah, I know - I keep promising I'll write more and I never do. It's not because I have nothing to say, it's because it takes energy to write and I never remember when I'm already sitting here. I think about it when I'm at work, or laying down to sleep, or something.

So what's different this time? Well, Facebook has been a place where I could say things about certain family members and not have to worry about it. I could vent that my SIL is being a PITA, or my MIL is making me batty...and all was ok. My FB has become overrun with family. MIL, SIL, BIL, Chuckles, my BIL's sister, my MIL's BF and her DH (I am LOVING all these abbrevs!) and one of their daughters... there is no longer a place for me to vent.

Which means I just might have to end up back here for my own peace of mind! Provided they don't find THIS too...

Catching up...or not

I haven't written lately because there isn't really much to write about. I have a new job, working in a call center. I don't particularly like it, but I don't really hate it either. I realized last night that I may very well end up there for 5 years or something because I'm too lazy to look for a new job right now...and I really don't want to be there that long. Beggars can't be choosers, though, no matter what my father may think. I need a job, I need to pay the bills. Should we ever somehow become independently wealthy, I'll think about quitting. *snerk* Like that will ever happen.

I have stuff to rant about, but I'm not sure I really want to. It's more hashing about our sex life, and how angry I am concerning it, but really...it won't do anything to fix it. It's not something I can talk to DH about without making him feel guilty and I don't want to do that...and it's an old argument anyways, one we've been having in one form or another since we got married. I'm tired of it, and I'm tired of being upset about it, and I'm tired of him feeling guilty or abnormal. I wish we could resolve it, but I fear that will never happen.

Dad has finally stopped calling me every day, for the most part. It's down to every few days usually, and never anything to really tell me, he just wants to talk. I guess I'm ok with that...if only he'd listen when I say anything, instead of blowing me off or glossing over whatever it is. That will also never happen, as he's always done that to me...I can't decide if it's because I'm a girl, his daughter, or just younger.

I'm feeling a little off-center the past few weeks. Like something is wrong but I can't quite figure it out - not REALLY wrong, just off. I'm pretty sure it's just me, which means I can ignore it and it will go away eventually.

Other than all that, there really isn't anything going on. I'll write more about dad on the other blog, as it deals with mom too. I just wanted to let y'all know I was still alive and kicking, there just isn't really anything going on.

Job! OMG!

I didn't want to post about this until it was for sure, but...

I GOT A JOB!!!

Yes, you read that correctly. After 8 months of unemployment and 6 months spent looking for a job, I finally have one! I'll be working as an in-bound tech at this company, working on this company's products. It's not something I've done before, but I'm willing to try something new...as long as they're paying me, which they are. :)

I start in 6 days. My training schedule is just scary - 5:30 in the morning until 2:30 in the afternoon, for three weeks. My normal schedule, though? Absolutely peachy - 1:00 in the afternoon until 9:3o in the evening, with weekends off from the start. It couldn't get much better than that. DH is going to change his schedule once we know for sure when my real one starts (they mentioned a protected week, where I have lots of help available, but didn't tell me which schedule that was on) and he'll work 11-7. So we'll each have a few hours of "me time" every day (which he's been missing terribly) and yet still get to see each other every day too!

I'm so excited - we'll be all caught up financially in no time flat. The plan is to put some in savings every paycheck while still working feverishly to get our credit card paid off. Of course, even if I threw almost my entire paycheck at the credit card it still won't be paid off until next year (ouch!) but at least there will be breathing room. We also have a request in for a loan modification on the house and I'm going to be deferring my student loans for a while. Ok, so maybe things aren't going to be as easy as I'd initially thought (damn you, typing, for putting into perspective!) but still WAY easier than they are now.

But! I HAS JOB NAO! (yes, lolcat speak - deal with it, it only happens sometimes)

I've been reading...

a rather interesting web novel of late. It's not for everyone - I suggest only going if you are very open minded. But I thought I'd give it a shout here, just in case some of you want to go and read it too. :) I promise that I'll get around to making a real blog post some day - some are brewing, I'm just trying to ignore them.

Prologue | An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom | MeiLin Miranda

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