Thursday, December 30, 2010

Random Updates

Yes, I'm a terrible updater, but you already knew that. I intended to chronicle every week of this pregnancy, but you can see how well THAT worked out. I could blame several things, but the real reason is...I don't know what to say. When I talk about how the pregnancy is going, I feel like I'm complaining. A friend actually said "all she does is complain about being pregnant", which...isn't really what I'm trying to do. Being pregnant is WEIRD. Just WEIRD. There are so many strange things going on, like feeling movements and kicks that feel like my stomach flipped (like it does when you're nervous) to Smallfry having the hiccups, to all the usual pregnancy stuff that goes on. A running commentary is my style when hanging out with people, or when something is going on in my life, and to be told that I'm complaining makes me just clam up. I've come here and stared at the blank screen many times in the past 7 months, but I can't bring myself to write anything. least I'm going to try and write something today. If it seems like I'm complaining about anything, just don't read me. Especially don't do so if you're one of those who thinks infertiles don't have the right to complain. (Oh hey, starting point!) I am so tired of hearing "You wanted this" any time I mention something hurting, or feeling yucky, or having no energy (thank you fibro!), or just being tired. Why, yes, I did want this - does that mean that I don't still have the right to experience pregnancy as every OTHER woman who wanted this? I mean, a lot of people who have babies want them...yes? And they get to experience all the fun aches and pains and tired and sick? WITHOUT being told "you wanted this"? How is me being infertile any different - did I somehow want it MORE, and therefore don't get to enjoy it as much? I should "suffer" in silence? And on the subject of phrases I am so tired of hearing, "if you think it's bad now, just wait" is getting up there with the "just relax" of infertility. I mention being so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and I get "oh just wait until 3rd tri, it gets so much worse". Because, you know, I have a choice in waiting? Oh no, please let me experience that now, I don't want to wait! *eye roll* And being told to "breathe" any time I start worrying about anything. Yes, I know, my friends have been through this before...and yes, I remember them worrying about everything too. So why do I not get to worry? *deep breath* Ok, rant over...I think. :)

So: I started 3rd trimester on Monday. I'm still not sure how I got this far, but I'll take it. I definitely look pregnant, or so I'm told - I still don't see it from my "top down" perspective, but I see it when I look in a mirror or catch my reflection. I feel like I should be bigger, but eh...I'm sure that will come with time. Smallfry is measuring a few days ahead, but not enough for the doc to change my due date. I've only gained about 12 net pounds, but the doc is happy with that so I'm not worried either. I have my GCT next week, which I am SO not looking forward to. Even if I somehow miraculously pass the test, it's going to make me sick - it always does. Yay for the husband having the day off to take care of me! (I told him he didn't have to, he insisted...say it with me "awwwwww")

The rundown:
1st tri I was a zombie. 2nd tri I actually had a little energy and only needed 1-hour naps instead of 2-hour, and not every day. 3rd tri...I am not actually sleepy-tired, but I feel physically exhausted even when I don't do anything. Still not needing naps every day, and the naps I DO take are anywhere from 45-minutes to 2-hours, depending on how I feel when I wake up. I start with the shorter one and if I wake up groggy and disoriented, it's back to sleep I go. It's been hard to get used to this kind of tired, where I don't really want to sleep but I feel exhausted. The fibro has been gearing up thanks to all the wet weather, so that really isn't helping much. Smallfry has been really active of late, with lots of hiccups and movement. Monday he hiccuped so much it was starting to hurt ME!

Over the weekend, Chuckles came to stay with us for a few days on his way to see Giggles, who just had their 3rd child about 6 weeks early. He bought us a crib! Why? Because we bought THEM one when their first child was born, and he's in a position to "pay it forward" essentially. So yay - good deeds paid back, and Smallfry has a place to sleep. Not only that, but Chuckles was meeting one of Giggles old friends for lunch and when he told her that he bought us a crib, she asked if we needed a changing table, because she had one she was trying to get rid of! So we have one of those too. :) I'm all excited! Last night one of the husbands' old friends came by...and brought me a BIG gift bag full of baby clothes in all sizes, as well as a few "mommy gifts". :) Maybe some day I'll actually get pictures taken of all the stuff we've gotten and get them put up on our baby site.

I'm also scared these days. I have roughly 87 days until this child is born. I feel like I'm on a "trial period" - you know, like when you start a new job and they have you on a probation period? Yeah, trial period until I become a parent. :) I know my life is going to change dramatically, but I don't really know how. I don't know what his sleeping habits will be, or how often he'll want to be fed, if I can even breastfeed, how much direct attention he'll need or if he'll be an independent child. When do I start buying diapers? DH says we should start stocking up now...but I have no PLAN. I don't know how many I'll need in what size for how long, how big this kid is going to be when he comes out, how fast or slow he'll put on weight, how long we'll need diapers, when he'll potty train (yes, thinking that far ahead because DH's plan is to buy a box of each size until we reach the top and then start over). How many onesies do I need? Blankets? Regular clothes? Do onesies go UNDER regular clothes? What kind of clothes do I need for a late-March baby? Will winter clothes and footie pj's be too warm?  Am I going to go crazy after he's born? Will I be one of those moms whose PPD is so severe that I throw my child? Can I DO this (not that I have a choice at this point...)? Can WE do this? I'm terrified of the changes coming - I don't do well with a lot of rapid change, but I have no choice BUT to deal with this one as it happens. I'm just scared I'm going to mess it all up.