Thursday, February 28, 2008

Not an actual person

I have come to the conclusion that I am not an actual person. You may be saying "What do you mean, not an actual person?" Well, let me take this chance to explain it to you.

While I was going through all the injections and whatnot for my back last year, the option of a spinal cord stimulation pack surgery was suggested by one of the docs in the pain care center I was going to. Essentially, they figure out which nerves are firing inappropriately and insert an electrical blocker to those nerves. When I brought it up to the main doc, he told me that it was more for people with "actual injuries" such as those sustained by a break.

A few weeks ago, I went to see a doc on campus about getting a referral for a medical massage. One of the girls who works at the rec center told me about them and that they were good for people with fibromyalgia. My regular school doc (who also happens to be the medical director I spoiled or what?!) isn't currently seeing any students because they have a new computer system and he's trying to work out the bugs. So...I had to see a new doc. I hate that, because they never listen. At any rate, he agreed to give me the referral but cautioned me "not to use the 2/month that insurance will pay for unless I absolutely need it because if I do then the therapists aren't available for use by people with 'actual pain'."

I have been trying since Friday to get back in to see this same doc (hell, if I have to see one I may as well see the same one - he'll learn eventually) about getting on an anti-depressant. I don't feel like I can keep dealing with all of this and school and work without a little help. I'm feeling pretty fragile and scary. For some reason the stupid people at the stupid medical center think it will take 45 minutes for a stupid appointment to get stupid anti-depressants even though they've prescribed the stupid things for me before. Yes, things are stupid. So that makes it hard to make the appointment, as they usually schedule appointments in 15 minute blocks. Add to this the fact that they do scheduling weird (call Friday afternoon for an appt Monday morning, Monday morning for Monday afternoon, Monday after 1pm for Tuesday get the idea) and it's even worse. I have class until 1:30 and by the time I call, they're full. I complained about that to the girl who answered the phone yesterday and she said "well, it is flu season so there are a lot of people who actually need to see the doc and we're short handed".

Lady, I ACTUALLY need to see the doc or I am ACTUALLY going to cause someone some ACTUAL pain! I did manage to get her to make me an appt for this afternoon. Now I just have to hope that the stupid doctor listens to me. If he won't I may have to get my counselor involved and I really don't want to do that. I also don't really want to be in my head anymore. I don't like it there - it's scary and unstable.

Speaking of pain, I wish whoever keeps beating me with a stick in my sleep would take a long walk off a very tall cliff into a deep lake and they can't swim. The fibro is kicking my ass again, only in a different way. Yeah, my hips and back still hurt like a mf'er, but I think i'm getting used to that. The constant ache of my muscles, the inability to stretch without feeling like my ribs have been beaten, not being able to scratch an itch without feeling like I used a razor blade to do it, and feeling like I've been stabbed if I happen to walk into something - that's really getting bad. It even hurts to scratch my head, which it didn't used to do. Goosebumps are a bitch. I feel like a punching bag. I know it's probably the cold and the stress that are doing it, but I'm done. Something somewhere has to give but I don't know what.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

What to do?

I know I haven't been writing here a lot lately. I could make excuses for myself, blame school and what's going on with my mother, but the truth is...I'm lazy. Beth's post gave me the courage to say that, even if it did bring to mind this song. :)

I'm lazy. I also don't have a lot to say lately. I have started a new blog called Colorufl Medication. Why a new blog when I don't keep up with this one? Well, that one details my attempt at dealing with moms cancer. This one has become less about IF and more about my life in general...but right now, I don't have a life in general. I have school, I have work, and I have mom's cancer. Soon I hope to post a little about the mess school has been and how it's all fixed now, but I don't have the mental attention right now. I'll get off on a tangent, I'm sure.

As of this moment I'm still not sure if I want to keep this blog open. Like I said, and I'm sure you've noticed, I don't blog in all that much any more. I like having it though, so I have a place to put random things, updates, etc. It gives me a place to remember things that have happened and how I felt about them and when they happened. If any of you want to follow me over to the other blog as well, you are more than welcome. Thank you for all of your comment on my post below - they've meant a lot. Comments give me the warm fuzzies. :) Thank you, for always being here for me to talk to.