Thursday, May 25, 2006

It's DH's fault this time!

Af arrived this morning and I blame my poor husband entirely! I knew I was later than normal, by a few days. I was getting ready to test tomorrow. We decided to FD last night, but I was worried he'd "poke a hole" in whatever was keeping the evil hag at bay. He threw logic at me (well, if you aren't pg she's going to show anyways...) but said I could hit him if she showed.

I got to hit him. I woke up feeling crampy, ran to the potty...and there she was. DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT I have a hard time shaking the idea that if we hadn't fd'd she wouldn't have shown, that it knocked something loose. I know that it doesn't work that way, that having sex doesn't knock the bean loose, but it doesn't help sometimes. Logic is not always enough to overrule the emotional brain.

So on to C3whatever...I'm seriously losing count. I wish my cycles would straighten out and be regular again - they were, before I went on progesterone for a month. I looked at my last 7 cycles. Including this one (and going backwards) they were 25, 23, 23, 24, 23, 25, 26. Before I took that progesterone they were ALWAYS 25-26 days. I took if for a month - and they went to 23 days on average. With a 23 days LP averages 11-12 days. BARELY long enough! I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if taking anything would help. I think I might not care.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

A little creeped out!

One of Aaron's coworkers was due to have her baby on the 21st of this month. On the 8th I dreamt that she was going to go home on a Thursday, have an 8 pound 8 oz little girl over the weekend and Aaron would find out about it on a Monday. (She was refusing to find out the gender, which irked me to no end).

On the 18th, there was an Email saying that Amy wasn't going to be coming in to work. She was having contractions. Not enough to put her in L & D, but enough that she wasn't coming in to work as her doc thought she'd have the baby that night. Friday she didn't come in and her contractions were 10 minutes apart. She had the baby on Saturday and Aaron found out on Monday. According to the Email that he forwarded to me, Amy had an 8 pound 8 oz little girl!

Now if that's not a little weird... I dreamt of a birth correctly, and for someone I don't really know all that well! I'm going to have to start remembering my baby dreams - maybe I'll have more for my other pg friends!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Why don't people understand? (triggery)

I have spent the past two days arguing with someone as to why the question "Do you have kids yet?" bothers me. I spend my days at work fending off this question from complete strangers. The guy I've been arguing with said I shouldn't get offended at this, and that my response of "No, unfortunately, we've been trying for two years" is uncalled for because it's rude.

Rude? I'M RUDE? These people are complete strangers to me. They ask me if I'm married , and then automatically assume that I should have children. When I used to just say "No we don't" I got more questions - and personally I don't believe it's any of their damned business why I don't. I mean, if they REALLY want to hear about all the testing we've been through, the heartbreak every month when AF shows up, the fear that I will never ever be able to have children and be a failure...I can tell them. But they don't - they're asking because it's small talk. And I understand that. But I also think I have the right to be upset about it...not at them, I never let them know, but at the world for doing this. And it's more their reactions that upset me - I can only handle being told to relax, I'm trying too hard, it'll happen so many times. And the pity in their eyes - I don't need their pity. If they're going to pity me I'd rather have money so I can go do IUI.

I did some research for this guy. He says infertility affects a tiny percentage of people. In my state alone there will be an average of 139,326 who suffer from infertility during their lifetime. 139,326! I knew it was a problem - but just think of that number. That's almost my entire city! What a way to put it in perspective. To REALLY put it in perspective: 29,365,540 people in the United State will suffer from it at some point in their lives. If there were that many people getting cancer in their lifetime you know something would be being done about it. And yet insurance won't cover us.

I compared the two. There will be an estimated 1,399,790 new cancer cases this year. It would take 21 years at that rate to match infertility - and yet we aren't covered. How the hell does this work again?

Alright...I'm totally upsetting myself. I'm going to go for now, try to calm down.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I think I'm out already!

I just realized that today is CD8, and I'm headed out of town for a few days. The night I get back will be CD10 and I'm going to be exhausted. I have a drive back that day...and then I get to go to work for 6 hours. Blergh!

We usually start the bdfest around CD7 and go EOD until CD13. (If you want to know what these abbreviations stand for I believe I have a link to a Primer on the right - there's a list there at the top) Not so this month - I'm going to miss out! Not sure why this matters to me, since it's not going to happen anyhow, but I don't seem to be able to convince myself to just give it up already.