Thursday, January 31, 2008

Snow and other rants

I hate the snow. I mean, I really hate it. I sit in my house and I look out the window and I curse at the evil snow that is falling from the sky. When it's not snowing, but there's snow on the ground, I look out my window and I curse the snow that's on the ground. Leaving the house when there's snow involves lots of cursing and grumbling and whining. Need I mention that my house is full of cuss words right now? It's been snowing all month! The 30-year average for the month of January is 4.2 far this year we've had 11.2!!! THERE'S SO MUCH GOD DAMNED FUCKING SNOW ON THE GROUND!

There is no end in sight.

According to the weather forecasters it's going to snow all week. As a matter of fact, they won't be at all surprised if this trend continues through February. I can't take it. It's cold and wet and slippery and cold and messy and did I mention cold? And evil? According to, it's currently 31* but feels like 17*, with winds from 25-30 mph gusts. IT'S COLD! It feels every degree of 17* and even that's warm compared to what I feel like it feels.

It's funny how life changes us. As a kid I loved the snow. LOVED it. Go outside and make snow forts and angels and have snowball fights. Even as a teen, impromptu snowball fights were common. I didn't mind the cold and often didn't wear gloves. Now...I hate the snow with an equal amount of fervor. Even a small bit of snow is enough to make me grumble, even when it doesn't make the road slick. I hate the cold - I hate being cold. I can never get warm in the winter. I'm afraid of falling; falling hurts a lot. All I want to do is sleep...I'm beginning to think I'm part bear. I'd like to hibernate for the whole winter.

Aaron says I'm depressed. With all this snow, who wouldn't be? (except you crazy people who actually LIKE this stuff) But even before the snow started falling I was evincing some major signs. All I want to do is sleep - and when I'm not sleeping, I want to be locked in my computer room playing games. Just leave me alone. I haven't seen our friends in almost a month...mostly because that would require me to leave the house. They WERE gaming over at our place on Sundays, before break, but Fred and Wilma decided THEY wanted to play again too...and that means gaming at their place because of the kids. Saturday nights are the only time that works for everyone, so Aaron goes over around 9pm (when Fred gets off work) and doesn't come home until about 2:30am. I get up at 5:30 Saturday mornings to go to work - the last thing I want to do is stay up until 3:00am Sunday! So I haven't been going. I"m going to start though - I need to get out of the house more. I miss my friends, I miss Wilma's son, I have to force myself to go out. I'm also exhausted all the time. Not sleepy-tired, just exhausted feeling. I guess that's a sign too.

I don't know what I'm going to do about my bio lab. I spent two hours in class this morning not understanding half of what was said. I have to go, to take a quiz. I can't afford to miss them. But it feels like a waste of my precious sleeping time to go where I'm not learning. If I go in and just take the quiz, then I have 4 hours before my next class. More wasting of time. I tried to see if there was a later lab available but I can't unless I drop my class and re-add it...which I don't want to do because I could get locked out. I'm just at a loss and might have to go talk to my advisor, who I believe to be a waste of the skin she's made of. Her brain cells (what few she has) could benefit someone who might actually use them.

Ok...enough ranting for now. My hands are frozen and it hurts to keep typing. I have typing class in an hour or so - maybe I'll go early and get the work done then. :)

Thursday, January 24, 2008

My world

I hope someone is still checking on me from time to time. I know it's been over a month since my last post, but perhaps when you read this you'll understand why.

I had finals the week before Christmas. I managed to pull an A- in my Medical Terminology class, B+ in Intro to Computers (Access kicked my ass), a C+ in Business Communications (despite not doing 2 major projects) and a C in my Anatomy class. Not too shabby, all things considered.

The day after finals were completed we left to go to my parents house to celebrate Christmas over the weekend. That Saturday we met my sister in Jackpot, NV and she brought my brother with her. I had paid for his bus ticket to her house and the ticket from my parents' house back to his place in Vegas. The first words out of my brother's mouth were "Look at that end table ass!" to which I replied "and look who's going to get his ribs broken if he doesn't watch his mouth". Lovely greeting for siblings who haven't seen each other in about 7 years, huh? The visit with my brother actually went pretty well. He's changing for the better, I think. We've been in contact since then, a few phone calls and text messages. Mom's happy.

Mom had another treatment the day after Christmas. She had a major allergic reaction to the chemo, which I guess they've been anticipating a bit. Apparently a lot of people have allergic reactions to it and when they do, it's usually around treatment 7 or 8...and that was mom's 7th treatment that year. She hadn't quite recovered from it before she had her next one, which was on the 16th of this month. She had to have a blood transfusion of 2 units because she was anemic. Dad was going to be busy between work and meetings and stuff for 4 days after her treatment so I went down on Thursday to take care of her. Good thing I did, I guess. I spent 4 lovely days cleaning up poop and puke, as well as doing dishes and laundry for her.

I came home on Sunday, because school started Tuesday. Monday mom called me and said I had to come back down to take care of her - she'd just thrown up all over herself and was rather upset. I guess throwing up from chemo is different than throwing up when you're sick - you don't have any warning. Monday night she got a bloody nose that they couldn't get to stop - they even tried shoving cotton balls up her nose! She laid down, but that didn't work - she started coughing up blood from it all draining. Dad took her to the ER Tuesday morning and she was anemic again. Her kidney function was also down to 15%, from 50% last Wednesday. She was supposed to get another transfusion but they didn't have the blood/platelets she needed, so they scheduled it for Wednesday morning. After that transfusion she had to go see the oncologist. The onco did a scan of kidney/spleen/bladder and didn't find anything, but she has to go in today, Friday, and Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday for saline infusions to try and jumpstart her kidneys.

Classes started Tuesday. I'm only taking 3 classes this semester for a total of 8 credits. I have Physiology (and lab), Document Processing, and Weight Management. After last semester I needed a light load. It's good, too, because it means I can go take care of mom after her treatments. My classes are relatively easy, so I can skip them if I need to. The only hard one is Physiology, and I've already made arrangements to get notes. I've talked with 2 of my professors and let them know what's going on with mom, and both have been understanding about me potentially missing classes and will work with me. One of them (my favorite, Dr. Lonsdale) suggested I go talk to one of the school counselors to help me, so I have an appointment on Monday with the one she recommended to me.

I started going to a new pain care doc in December. He was willing to switch me from Lyrica/Welbutrin back to the Cymbalta. I gained 20 pounds on the Lyrica in just a few months - I can't handle that, and I can't afford the meds. The doc is slowly upping my Cymbalta to the correct 120mg dosage to handle fibromyalgia. If I can remember to take them, I'll be doing good. I'm not so good at that part - but if I go more than a few days without, I hurt like an SOB. Like today. Today is a bad day - hip is killing me and I have weight management class this afternoon. I don't know what's going to be involved, but I'm really hoping it's not exercise today. I don't want to have to get a docs note saying I have fibro and have limitations, especially since he seems to think that doing group activities (such as swimming classes) or a lot of walking will help. I've ranted about that before - today just reaffirms my beliefs.

In between all this, I've been playing WoW and trying to function. I'm depressed to the point where I'm having a hard time getting out of bed, and when I DO manage to get up I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get dressed, take a shower, eat, leave the house...nothing. I just want to shut myself in my computer room and stay there. I promise I'll try to do better at writing again, especially now that I'm back in school and there are things going on. I have been a very bad friend - I apologize to those who write blogs, as I haven't been reading them for the past several weeks. I"m working on getting caught up, but if you'd all do me a favor and just leave a comment letting me know any major (or minor/exciting) developments in your life (good and bad) perhaps it will be a bit easier. If you're still here, thanks for sticking around. If you've stumbled over to me from Mel's Creme de la Creme, welcome to my place - I don't write regularly, but I try. I"m sorry this post is rambly - I hope it makes sense. It's a bit like my head these days.