Monday, April 28, 2008


I have been thinking about this post since Saturday morning. There was an event that triggered it and I've just been mulling it over. I can almost guarantee that it isn't going to be popular with either the infertiles or the non-infertiles. If it bothers you, don't read.

At my job, I proctor exams. I check people in, they read the policies/procedures and sign it, ask any questions they have and then I seat them. They test, they tell me when they're done, I score them and send them on their way. Easy. I usually get the same questions: What do I do if I need to use the restroom? Are we allowed gum? The answers are on the P&P if they'd just READ the damn thing, but that's an aside.

Saturday morning, as I was checking in a woman, I got the same questions. I told her if she needed to get up and go, go. She said "Okay, because I didn't sleep well last night and I don't feel very good. I'm also pregnant, so that doesn't help." Whatever lady - I don't really care if you're pregnant, had 12 cups of coffee this morning, have medication that makes you pee...whatever. Just go if you gotta go. Before I take people into the room, I make sure they use the restroom if they need to. I did the same for this one, and she came back chewing gum. I told her she needed to spit it out (people smack it when they're not paying attention, or nervous). She said "But I just put it in! I get dry mouth really bad now that I'm pregnant and this helps with that. It also helps with the nausea! If I don't chew it, can I keep it in?" I apologized but told her no.

As I got back to my desk I started thinking about that. It was essentially "I'm pregnant so the rules don't apply to me. I'm entitled to different things, because I'm pregnant. You should let me do what I want, because it helps me and I'm pregnant." Congratulations, lady, your uterus works. Your ovaries work. Your hormones work. Your husband has super-sperm. Woo for you.

No. Being a healthy individual with working parts does not entitle you to jack shit. To go a step further, it really doesn't matter HOW you got pregnant. It doesn't matter if you were on BCP, the shot, the condom broke, it was planned. It doesn't matter if you had to do IUI, IVF, DE, surrogacy. It doesn't matter if it took 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years. Just because you managed to somehow, someway get pregnant it does not mean you are entitled to anything more than anyone else. You get the same treatment, and if you don't, you should.

In thinking about all this, I walked to the kitchen Sunday morning to get a drink and noticed the picture on the fridge that has bothered me for a while now. It's one of those magnetic picture frames and says "Grandchildren Make Memories". It's been up on the fridge forever, but didn't have any pictures in it. This past summer, her stepdaughter and her children came to visit us, at the same time that Giggles and Chuckles were moving in. Family photos were done, and the MIL put them up in the photo frame. There were pictures taken of MIL, FIL and all the kids. Pictures of Chuckles and Giggles and the MIL and FIL. You get the idea. The only one missing from any of those me. Aaron is in them, because he is one of the kids. Giggles is in there because she's carrying the first great-grandchild. I am the only one not there, because I am not one of the children or grandchildren, and I am not carrying any either. For several months I cringed and felt a stabbing pain every time I went to the fridge. the pics are at eye level for me, so there is no avoiding them. Over time it has stopped hurting. When I went to the fridge, I realized it no longer hurt and I got thinking about entitlement again.

As infertiles, we have our own sense of entitlement. We expect the world to be gentler with us, to try and understand us, simply because we can't (for whatever reason) conceive and carry a child to full term. This is not to say that people shouldn't be tactful - they should, as IF is a disease like any other and carries it's own set of problems. Along that vein, however, it would be akin to asking cancer survivors not to talk to cancer patients because it's too painful. The survivors speak to give hope, not to say "HA! I made it and you aren't." We expect so much more though; we expect people to understand when we don't want to be around pregnant people, when we don't attend church because we can't handle seeing babies. We lose friends because we can't reconcile ourselves to the fact that they have what we want. We break one of the commandments - "thou shalt not covet" - and expect everyone to pat us on the back and say "it's ok. We understand" and then get angry when they don't.

Yes, people are assholes. Yes, people are idiots who don't "get it". Yes, people are people. How many times before you found out you were pregnant did you say to someone "you just need to relax" or "you're so lucky you don't have kids; you can go anywhere you want" or any of the other things we get so furious about? We are no less guilty than anyone else, and to pretend otherwise is hypocritical. We are not entitled to jack shit, just like the non-infertiles.

As I was thinking about all this and talking to Aaron, i realized something else, and I know this is going to go over like a ton of bricks. We CHOOSE to be upset because we are infertile. That's right, I said we CHOOSE it. Instead of focusing on the good things in our lives, celebrating the joy around us, indulging in the babies we can be around, we choose to be angry, bitter, self-centered. We push people away, refuse to have anything to do with babies. We choose to be angry when our friends are pregnant, when people make stupid remarks, when our MIL's put photos up in our face that are missing us because we can't have children. Instead of being angry, smile. Know that the people who are making stupid comments are either lucky enough not to have to go through what we've been through, or that they just don't know what to say in response but feel the need to say something because society teaches us to do that. Know that your MIL is lucky to have people in her life who CAN have children, that she is blessed to have grandchildren from someone - she's a proud grandmother, just like every other grandmother out there. She's just unlucky enough to be related to you. :) Have joy that our friends have children that they will let us play with, take care of, spoil any time we want...and that if we ever get out of the trenches, they'll gladly reciprocate. Work in the nursery at church - indulge in the babies every week, knowing that these little lives are just beginning.

I won't say that I'm not still bitter, because in some ways I am. But I think I can see the light. I'm trying to learn to be happy with what I have, instead of throwing a hissy fit for what I can't have like a toddler would. So I can't have children - I have a husband who loves me, cats who love and annoy me, family who supports me. I would love to pass on everything my mother taught me to my child...but if I can't, maybe I can pass it on to my friends' children instead. But now, instead of telling people that we've been trying for 4 years to have a child, I simply tell them that we can't have them and leave it at that. It no longer matters how long we've been trying - we know the answer now. Someone said in response to that the other day "You shouldn't say that - you don't know for certain." She's right - I don't. But for now, I do. If I get proven wrong, it won't be the first time in my life and I'm sure it won't be the last. I said nothing in response, just smiled and thought "she's lucky she doesn't know."

Monday, April 07, 2008

Chuckles and Giggles Saga, Chapter 3036

As promised, here is the latest in that saga.

We've always known that Giggles' mom is batshit insane. She's been telling Giggles since she got pregnant that she was going to take the baby and raise it, because she always wanted more babies. Aaron and I have suspected since first hearing this that she was serious. She even bought an entire nursery for her home "just in case they decided to come back and live with her and for when they visit".

Well...I'm sure you can guess what I'm going to tell you. Chuckles and Giggles took the baby over to her mother's house for her to babysit. Mom then refused to give the baby back. One would think they'd call the cops, but no. Apparently they decided to bide their time, because the roommates that they had did drugs and they didn't want to cops to take the baby away from them. They also knew that her parents were going out of town, so they decided they'd get the baby back then. Sure enough, parents went out of town and left the baby with grandma. Grandma ALSO refused to give the baby back. Chuckles' parents drove over and the four of them went to take the baby back. Grandma...punched Chuckles in the face. Cops were called then, who basically said "Why are you not giving these people their baby back? You have no right to do that. Give them their baby back!" Chuckles and Giggles have now moved to another state and are living with Chuckles' parents.

And the kicker? Giggles is pregnant again.

I'm so glad they don't live with us anymore.

Karma is a bitch

If you look at my last post, you will see that I said "things are relatively calm". Karma was apparently waiting for me to hit publish and when I did, she popped out and said "gotcha, bitch!"

Thursday night I ended up getting into another fight with my drunken brother. Drunk AND stoned, I should say. It started with a text message that said "Nobody want2 talk2 a drunklove?!" I sent one back asking him what in the hell he was talking about. I received a message back that said "UNO what the fuck? So thanku 4 the knowledge & the hello. HIGH" He then called me. I asked him if he'd been drinking and he said yes. I told him I didn't want to talk to him because he was unreasonable when drunk and he told me that it didn't matter, he was the same sober and drunk. Bear in mind that it was 11:10pm when this started. I told him I didn't have time for this, that I had class in the morning and needed to go to bed. Goodnight, Bro. He kept saying "sis, sis...wait." I repeated goodnight a few times, and hung up. I then got the next series of message in a row. First was "I still love U, butt c u at a later, still c U again!Goodness" followed by "Yes! I am drunk stones along & missing my seed of Missoree" (his daughter is in Missouri) and then "Suck it easy & loose my number! Feeling is mute", a repeat of the UNO text and ended with "Talk later when u get a grip on life & death, love & loss in life. Still love U throughout!" I have decided that I am no longer speaking to my brother when he's had anything to drink...and it is the first question I am going to ask him when he calls from now on. He no longer calls our sister when he's drunk because she lays into him...and I'm not going to either.

I am torn on the subject, though. On the one hand, he's my brother. Granted that he's been missing for 2/3 of my life, but he's still my brother. I want to try and help him, let him know that he has a support system. On the other hand...SO not my problem. He's 37 years old for pete's sake. He needs to grow up. You play the hand that life dealt you and you do the best you can with it. Yes, he had it rough growing up and yes, I had it easy comparatively speaking and so really I don't have room to talk. But I ALSO know that you can't live as a victim your whole life and you have to take responsibility for your actions. As my counselor told me "Things happen. What matters is not that they did, but how we react to them. No one can make you do things - it is your choice." I agree. I don't need my brother in my life, I don't want to put up with his shit and I don't have I won't. I just hope I can stick to that.

Major update on the inlaws: They're MOVING OUT! WAHOO! JUMP FOR JOY! Everyone come on! Jump around! Dance in your living room! WOOT!!!! YEEHAW! Ok, now that I have THAT could of my system I suppose you want details. The bank finally got back to them, saying that they could not accept their bid but would accept $100K. I think I posted earlier that they originally thought they couldn't work that. Well, they have now gotten the loan approved through their bank and the payments are workable for them. Saturday they went and accepted the banks offer and signed papers. :) ROCK ON! I don't know how long until they move out - depends on the bank and the sellers. The house is currently occupied so I don't know how big of a time frame that gives us. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't a train!

There is more for me to tell you, as there is another chapter in the Chuckles and Giggles saga...but I have to go to class. I will also be making an update on Colorful Medication later on - a good update. :)

Thursday, April 03, 2008


Once again I have let my blogoversary slip by me without a word. I have been writing here sporadically for 2 years as of March 31. Yay me?

As I came her today I realized it had been over a month since I'd written. Why? I don't know. Perhaps I don't have much to say these days, or I have so much going that I don't have time to write, or I'm just too lazy to remember. The truth is all three.

There really isn't much going on in my life at the moment. Everything is calm for once; I'm not stressing over anything too much. Mom is relatively stable - and I will post more on that on the blog I have dedicated to that scene. My inlaws are still living with us, although they have put a bid in on a house and are just waiting on the sellers bank to approve it. THAT'S a nightmare in the making - I'll get back to it in a second. I'm doing ok, despite having my first colonoscopy this past Tuesday. I'd had some bleeding that didn't want to quit for a few months so I got checked out. Tuesday was the day, and it took them 9 tries to finally get an IV in me, and they ended up putting in my foot after blowing out two veins in my hands. Blech. The semester is more than halfway over - I think I only have about 6 weeks left. I've got an A in my documenting class, will probably pass my health management class, and will be content if I manage to yank a C+ out of physiology.

Inlaws: The sale is a "short sale", meaning the sellers are willing to sell the house for less than they owe. They, however, do not get to make the decision - the bank down. I don't know what the house was going for, but they offered $93K. The got the approval on the loan from their bank last week. The sellers' bank is now 2 weeks late getting the inlaws an answer. Technically the bank has broken the contract, but my inlaws really want this house and so are willing to wait. MIL says "Well, at least they haven't declined us; rejections are swift" and she has a point. The bank has approved one short sale on this house before, for $108K, but they took so long that the buyers found another place. MIL and FIL won't be finding another place...this is what they want. I just can't believe that MIL isn't on their case about this - God knows I would be!

I'm sorry about the lack of updates - there's nothing exciting going on, so I don't really have anything to post. I keep promising myself I'll get better, but I don't. Eh - maybe someday, but don't hold your breath.