Monday, September 11, 2006

Has anyone got a rock I can hide under?

Today is going to be one of those days. I just found out that one of the girls I used to be on JSO with has lapped me. She had a LOT of trouble staying pregnant and we were all completely thrilled when she carried her daughter to term. Her daughter is only 4 months old, and she just announced that she's pregnant again.

I feel like someone socked me in the stomach.

Don't get me wrong - I'm stoked that she doesn't have to go through what she went through last time to have her daughter. But still...why? Why her and not some of the rest of us? Why can't those of us who have been TTC for SO LONG have at least one before we get lapped by our sisters? I know that one you have a hard time getting pg the thought is "well, I had such a hard time, and needed so much help last time, there's no way I'll get pg on my own." I've heard it time and again - from cousins, sisters, SIL's, friends, name it, they've said it. But man - it still sucks major ass.

Some days the thoughts just get to me. Like: One of the girls on ITSG had an IUI with a 3-4% success rate - and it worked. Aaron and I had a better success rate than that - and it didn't work. Why not? What did I do wrong? Sometimes I think even another chemical would have been better than nothing - at least then I'd know I could get pg and it's just that something was wrong. But no - nothing. Why do some people get pg when they don't want to, and those that do want to can't? What makes those others so damned special that they get my dream and I get left with nothing?

I am too raw to deal with this anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to do something. I can't keep doing this month after month after year with no success - I just can't keep it up. It's getting way too hard to see my friends succeed, and to cheer them on from the sidelines. I'm getting more and more bitter and withdrawn, and it's not healthy.


Anonymous said...

Big hugs Jen.
I can't even imagine how hard it has to be on you going through this so long. I know there's nothing I can do to help, but know you're loved and cared about. Life just seems to have a fun way of screwing with people.


MrsDrink said...

Jen doll, I hope you already heard the news about her...I know, it doesn't seem fair either way, but just know that there are still some of us oldies who are still fighting this battle along side'll be us one day girl, I promise!! (((HUGS)))