Thursday, June 01, 2006

I'm at a loss

I don't think I want to TTC anymore. I realized several things last night and none of them make me very happy.

Since we started TTC, our sex life has gone downhill fast. My skin cringes anytime Aaron tries to "seduce" me, having sex is just way too much effort. It's just ridiculous. Aaron has the sex drive of a 16 year old - me of an 80 year old. I thought having sex at least once a week was doing good, but he wants it every day. I usually manage twice - and we keep a record. But this is absolutely ridiculous. I feel so much guilt for not giving it to him more, he feels guilty for wanting it. Why should he feel guilty for wanting his wife?! I should be happy that he wants me as much as he does - but I don't. I'm irritated. I give in mostly so he'll go away and leave me alone - and that's a terrible thing to do to him.

I want to go back to the way we were three years ago. When we first got together we were having sex at least once a day, if not twice. It wasn't an effort. He still feels the way he did back then, but I don't. And I'm so very sad. I want to get back there, but since he never left I don't know how. It's not like we can move towards the point together - it has to be all me. And...it's daunting. I don't even know where to begin.

I was thinking and thinking last night - after having yet another blow out argument with Aaron about sex - about getting pregnant. I think I'm terrified of it. I know that I am absolutely adamant about not doing IUI or adopting until my inlaws quit smoking - but what if I'm also subconsciously sabotaging my efforts to do this naturally? What if my subconscious is telling me that until things are better here there's no way in hell I'm having a kid? Sex started going downhill after I got on the pill (we were just getting together then) and it never recovered once I went off. I'm thinking that maybe we should start preventing again. NOT the pill - never again will I take that since it took me almost a year before my body recovered - but condoms maybe. They suck - but it would allow the part of my brain that says "can't do it today, you did it yesterday and every day is bad for the count. No, you have to wait until CD7 before you can start the Bdfest. No, not in the morning only at night so you can lay there." and then stresses until AF shows up to GO TO FUCKING SLEEP. Maybe if I'm not worried about it because I KNOW it won't happen then I can focus more on my husband and less on getting pregnant.

I'm worried about my marriage. I'm afraid it's all falling apart and it's my fault. He says he'll never leave - he won't do divorce. Great, fine, and dandy - but if he's absolutely miserable and it's my fault then I'll be absolutely miserable and we'll be one of those old bitter couples that everyone wonders "Why don't they get a divorce?" And I don't want to be one of those - I want him to be at least content with me. I know I'm a bitch, and I'm high-strung, and I'm self-centered. He married me knowing these things, but I get worse every year...hell, every month. I don't know how to concede to someone else's wishes, no matter how I try. I'm trying to force him into my mold instead of making a new one. I punish him because I'm not interested in sex. I won't even go into details of what I did last night - I am so ashamed of myself.

I just don't know what to do. I am at such a loss. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. My mother-in-law wants a grandchild so very badly - no matter how many times I've told her that IUI is the only way and it's not happening until they (the inlaws) quit smoking, she still asks me every time we have extra money if we're going to do it. I want a child so badly, but the obssession is fading away a little more. Perhaps one of the girls I know is right - perhaps the universe is telling me that the time just isn't right for me to have a kid. Hell, perhaps the time will never be right.

4 comments:

Karlene HDTTC said...

The first step is knowing you have issues and admitting to it. You've made that step so the only direction from here is up. I'll keep you in my prayer.

Tigger said...

Thanks Karlene - I could use all the prayers I can get right now. :)

amber said...

((((((((HUGS))))))))) I truly wish there were something I could say or do to help.

Is there anyone you can go talk to like a counselor? Perhaps it would help to talk to an impartial person about your TTC struggles & its affect on your marriage. It just might do some good to get those emotions & thoughts out there 'cause your right. Eventually there will be resentment on one or both sides & that's the downfall of a relationship.

Talk to your OB or RE & see if they can recommend someone. I know it'll cost $$ but perhaps just a couple of sessions will help.

Can't hurt right??

I'll be keeping you & Aaron in my prayers!!

Adrienne said...

I don't know where you are now, but this post was a step in the right direction. It has hope in it - you know what the issues are (and that's the hard part) - next step is finding the courage to do something about it. TTC stresses a relationship like nothing else. I'm sure you'll find your way.