How much do I want this?

Wilma and I spoke today for a little while, about what happened the other day and how we both feel. As it turns out, she didn't even realize what she'd said until I snapped at her in my own anger. She thought about it, figured it out, and left before she made things worse. So we spoke about why she was so angry, whether at me or at herself.

She doesn't want to be pregnant. Not because she doesn't want another child, but because I'm not pregnant. She wants us to be fat and happy and pregnant on the couch together, convincing our husbands to do all manner of things for us while we watch Gilmore Girls together. It's what she wanted for the first one too, but I couldn't make it happen. She knows it's not my fault, and she wants more than anything for me to be the one to say "Wilma, I'm pregnant". Once again she's offered to be a surrogate for me if I ever need one - she demands to be on the top of my list. Considering she's the only one... :)

Wilma is also very frustrated with me. She sees that when I want something, I rearrange the budget and I get it. We wanted to buy the house - or rather, we didn't want Aaron's parents to lose it, so we bought it. It wasn't the best idea ever, but we can handle it. We also just bought a car - not planned, exactly, but we can handle that too. Both of those mean that I don't get to pay off debt nearly as fast as I could have without those extra payments. She doesn't understand why I don't just rearrange the budget again and "buy" a baby. What she does see is that I tried one IUI and gave up. How could she know the heartbreak I went through doing that?

I tried to explain - I can take out a loan for a house, buy a house, and have a house. I can take out a loan for a car, buy a car, have a car. I take out a loan for IVF, go through all the drugs and mood swings, all the hope and stress...and have nothing. I do it again...and nothing. I simply can't justify spending $75,000 on 6 IVF's with nothing to show for it. I don't see wanting to make myself spend 30 years paying off those loans with monthly payments - the heartbreak of writing that check every month, knowing that I'm paying for the babies I was never able to have. Sure, maybe the first one will work. Maybe it won't. I didn't find out until after my IUI that it only had a 13% chance of working. Had I known that upfront, I might have decided not to do it. I thought I had a 50% chance, or even a normal 20% chance. 13% wasn't enough to pin my hopes on.

Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I live my life like all those other oblivious people out there who don't know jack shit about their cycles? Those who have unprotected sex in the backseat of their car and get pregnant without thinking about it. Those who never stop to think where they are in their cycle when they want to have a drink. Who don't plan for the family they may or may not ever have when buying a house or a car, who can walk through the baby section at Wal-Mart without wondering if they'll ever have the chance to buy all the cute things for their own children. I know they exist - I meet them every day. They Email me after two years to tell me these things. But this is all another post for another day - perhaps after I get used to my new anti-depressants and am not so emotional.

I have not the words

to describe, fully, how I feel right now. Lets start with anger, resentment, deapair, depression, utter failure, completely overwhelmed, rage. Lots of rage. I can easily sense the blackest, deepest pit of despair I have ever encountered, and I'm teetering on the brink. I don't know how to handle any of this anymore.

Why all of this, you ask? Well, I told you late last week about Wilma, right? On Friday I received an Email from a girl I was/am friends with from JSO. She's been TTC about a year...and found out Thursday that she's pregnant. Joy for her, sorrow for me. I told Aaron that there would be another one - there always is. I figured it would be on Sunday. Nope - life can't be that predictable. It was today. This time it was a girl I haven't spoken to in about 2 years, since she got pregnant with her first. She emailed me to tell me there would be another addition to the family - and I swear this is her third, but I've lost track.

I found this out while waiting for Biology class to start. I looked at Wilma and said in a very calm and somewhat lighthearted tone of voice "See? I told you there would be another one! That makes three in the last week!" To which the pregnant little bitch replied "So what? Who cares if we're all getting pregnant and you aren't?" I, more than a little shocked at this, said "Maybe I should go sit elsewhere." She replied "I feel sorry for you, I really do. But I'm tired of feeling guilty because you can't get pregnant and I can." The hurt and utter rage must have showed, because two minutes later she claimed she wasn't feeling well and left class.

How dare she? I have never tried to make her feel guilty for being pregnant. I have celebrated both pregnancies as best as I could. I've been totally honest and upfront with her about my own issues in dealing with this and how, while I am beyond happy for her, it's also killing me. And she has the audacity to say "Who cares?"??? I am so angry with her right now that if we didn't have class and lab together twice a week I wouldn't be speaking to her anymore. I'm stuck with her as a lab partner, but I can sure as hell sit somewhere else in class. Why does she not understand? She's been going through this with me for three years. How can she not get it? I haven't been this hurt in a very long time. This is soul-rending pain - I feel it to my very core. The one person, besides Aaron, that I thought understood...and she chose the very worst thing she could ever say. She belittled me so far, probably without ever even realizing it until it was too late, that she and I may not recover.

Every time I think I've come to grips with my infertility, and think that I am more or less accepting of the fact that I will never have children (if one can ever truly accept that), something like this happens. Every day, or once a week for a month, I get an email or see a post on a forum or blog that someone else I know is pregnant. Each and every single one of them is a slap in the face, a stab in the heart. "You've been trying 3 years, I'm not even trying. I can get pregnant and you can't" they all seem to say. Or "I am somehow more deserving than everyone else because I've been trying 6 years and you've been trying only 3". I know, I know - that isn't really what they're saying. They're celebrating, and one day I hope to make a post that similar. I realize the hypocrisy in that, I really do.

At the same time, I can't help but think "What right do I have to make anyone else feel even remotely guilty for being pregnant when I want that very same thing? What makes them so different from me? The fact that they haven't been trying as long? That's no excuse - that makes me no different from those who have been trying for longer. Everyone, EVERYONE, deserves the chance to have a child." I hate myself for the thoughts that follow - such thoughts as "I wish that I had one real life friend, someone I had physical contact with every day, who was infertile. Someone other than a faceless, voiceless group of other infertiles to share things with. Someone whose shoulder I could literally cry on when times like this come around." Not that all of you aren't a wonderful source of support - please don't think I mean that. It's just that the only people I have are my husband and my mother. The first understands, as best as he can, but can't fix it and it kills him. The second one tries very hard to understand me, but sometimes ends up hurting me when she's trying to help.

I now have to go to work and pretend I'm fine. I have to not cry when the pregnant people walk into my office, and I have to make my face stop being blotchy from all the tears I've cried this afternoon. I have to find a way back from the edge of the precipice I am on before I tumble headlong into a spiral that only my mother can save me from. I need my mommy, I need my friends. I need a hug.

Life is ironic

I've been doing a lot of thinking since receiving the call from my friend yesterday. A lot of thinking. Parts of this post may offend some, and I'm sorry about that, but I have to put this down somewhere because I think Aaron is tired of hearing it when there's nothing he can really do to fix it. This is also going to be very, very long.

It's ironic the curves that life throws us. Just about the time I decide that I don't care if we have a child anymore, my best friend gets pregnant and I find out that I do care. Or maybe I don't - it's a bit complicated. I don't really care if we have a child any time soon, but I do care that someone else so close to me is. It's not fair. TTC is never fair, I know. I sometimes feel like we've been in competition with them since day one. I'll tell you why:

Aaron, Fred* and Wilma* have been friends since high school. Aaron and I got together in January of 2003, they got together in March or so. We got engaged on June 13th of that year, they got engaged a week or so later. We decided to get married in May of 2004 and then moved it to September of 2003 - and they decided to get married the same day, by the same judge, 30 minutes earlier. They decided THAT DAY. In February 2004, we started TTC. We never made it a secret. In September, she showed up on my doorstep "There's something I have to tell you." Fast forward 2 years...now three since we've been TTC. They have a child, the child I want and they didn't want but got because they were messing around with BCP, and now will have their second while I'm still waiting. It's not fair.

I am, of course, in the middle of another dreaded session of why me's. Or maybe it's why NOT me's. Wilma is very overweight. She's taller than I am by about 4" and outweighs me by 50# at least. Her cycles are funky as all hell (see my prior post) and I'm not even sure she ovulates every month. I suspect mild endo, from things she's told me. They had sex once...you heard me, once this cycle. They're pregnant. I have almost perfect cycles - I don't vary by more than 3 days. I ovulate every month, my temps are perfect. I am overweight, but only by about 30 pounds, and I'm losing that slowly. We have sex 5-6 times a cycle - and it was more when I was REALLY trying - and always more closer to O time. Hell, we used to have sex every other day from CD10-CD15!!! We have no child. Not fair.

For 3 years I have wanted this more than anything else. For 3 years I've gone on the monthly rollercoaster that starts when AF shows, continues through all the BBT and OPK's and BDing, and ends when AF shows her ugly head to start the cycle all over again. For 3 years this has consumed my life, while people around me got pg by their DH's hanging their pants on the door. I've gone through test after test, Aaron has been tested, he's had to deal with my heartache and disappointment every month...and my friends get pg without even trying. How is this at all the way things are supposed to be?

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I am excited that Wilma is pregnant again, but I'm so shredded because it isn't me. I am the only person she really has (besides mom and MIL) to share her pregnancy with - I am not going to shut her out because she was lucky enough to get what I want. I want to hear every detail, and I want to close my ears for the next 34 weeks and 5 days. I'm blessed that she understands as much, and knows that I am going to harass her because it's the only way to keep my sanity. I know that she would give me this child if she could, and she knows I would not accept it if she did. This is her child, not mine. She is my best friend, and has offered to be a surrogate for me if we need one. I love her to death...but right now I also hate her. How is that fair to her either?

*not their real names, but it works for me!

While writing this, a song came back to me from my teen years. It's about lost love and pining, but the chorus fits TTC very well. It's by Bryan White and is called "Someone Else's Star".

I GUESS I MUST BE WISHIN ON
SOMEONE ELSES STAR
IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE ELSE KEEPS GETTIN
WHAT I'M WISHIN FOR
WHY CANT I BE AS LUCKY AS THOSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE
I GUESS I MUST BE WISHIN
ON SOMEONE ELSES STAR

I found my fertile genes...

My best friend has apparently been holding them for me.

About 20 minutes ago, my phone rang and it was Wilma. I answered "Happy winged baby bearing projectiles day!" and she was semi-startled...and began to laugh. She said "Funny you should say that..." and I knew. Just like I knew 2 1/2 years ago when she showed up at my house looking apprehensive and said "I have something I have to tell you". I answered "You're pregnant." She seemed a bit surprised then that I knew, since they'd just found out an hour before and she'd been trying to figure out how to tell me. This time I was the second person to know, her DH being the first one. Then again, he's known for two weeks! She only took a test to prove him wrong...much like the last time, if I recall correctly. :)

I laughed my ass off this time. Last time I was depressed, and if she'd gotten pregnant two or three months ago I'd have been depressed too. This time...I don't know. I don't really care anymore, I guess. I'm happy for her - they wanted to be pregnant this time, but haven't been "trying". No charting, no opk's...and very little sex. They're one of those couples you hate - they had sex once this month and it just happened to be in the middle of her cycle. Only she didn't know it at the time, because her cycles are very irregular (35 days followed by 28 followed by 40). I had just started charting her cycles FOR her, to see if I could find a pattern. This is what I get!

So let's go over this again: I start reading an IF blog, they get pg. I start charting a friends cycle, she gets pg. ATTENTION IFers! SEND ME YOUR BLOGS AND CYCLE INFORMATION! I WILL READ/CHART YOU AND YOU SHOULD GET PG! :) At least, that seems to be my luck lately. Mom says it will catch me when I'm unawares - I think I have karma so confused she's just given up on me entirely.

Happy Valentine's Day to me!

The Professor

I'm finally getting around to updating all of you on this - sorry it's taken so long. Classes are hard this semester!!

She was pretty useless. She told me that I needed to start off doing more research on cytoskeletons and how they work, and then see if someone is currently doing research on that particular link between IF and spherocytosis. I can guarantee that someone isn't doing it - neither one are particularly "important" in the larger scheme of things that need cures. Not that I don't think IF is important, but those who pay for research would rather pay for things like cancer and AIDS cures. So I really didn't look into it much farther...it would just be really frustrating to me.

My best friend Nomi has since told me I should go into biology as a major, and I think she was serious. I've come up with a few other "light bulbs" about IF while in class or lab and she's tired of hearing my hypothesis without having a way to get them tested. Hell, all I need is a lab and someone who knows what they are looking at... :)

Oh well. I'm not going into biology - I hate science. I only understand what the professor is talking about if I can somehow relate it in my brain to IF, and that's not always possible. Most of the time I just don't get it, and I'm sure tomorrow's test will prove just that.

I think I'm insane

As a matter of fact, I'm absolutely sure of it. Why, you might ask? Because.

BECAUSE WE JUST BOUGHT A NEW CAR!!!

A 2007 Ford Focus, to be exact, with 9 miles on it (that's after the test drive). It's wine colored (dark toreador red, according to the papers) with tan interior. Absolutely gorgeous, and it's only going to cost us $250 a month. We're going to be using a bit of our tax return to help us make those payments, but we'll be alright. I'm just in shock, panic, you-name-it mode. I do this after big purchases. I damn near freaked out when we bought the house - what's a car compared to that?!

We got the "anything that goes wrong with the car for the next 7 years is covered" warranty, and the "free oil changes for the life of the car as long as you bring it in every 3 months" plan added on. We thought those to be a good deal - it means my car will be nicer longer, and should stay in shape. Considering I really don't drive much, we should be good!

I'm excited. I love my new car. I told Aaron it was "whiney - just like me" because of the color...which makes it a perfect fit. He may never get to drive it - neither of us are under the impression that it's anything other than MY car. :) And to think...this started as a joke. Aaron said "You know hunny, the Escort is going down hill. Maybe we should use part of the tax return as a down payment on a car." I immediately said no, but then thought about it and it made sense. So I crunched a bunch of numbers, we went shopping. I did not plan on buying a car - I was certain we couldn't afford the payments. But we did, and we can, and I'm seriously freaking out. :) W00T!

FINALLY

Af arrived this morning. I figured she would, as I woke up around 5:30 this morning with a different kind of cramp than I've had all week. These were the kind of cramps that I get when AF is actually HERE...the sharp, stabbing, someone-trying-to-get-out cramps that we all know and love so much. This is going to be a bitch of a cycle, I can already tell. At least she's here though - no more jerking me around.

I will update on my professor's response to my biology post later. Right now I'm running late for school, but I had to update all you wonderful people! *MUAH*

The agony and the irony

My life is one big pot of irony right now.

MAJOR TMI AHEAD! IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, STOP READING!!!

Based on an "earliest date" cycle, AF should have been here Monday. Crampy arrived, which sometimes happens the day before AF shows. I expected her to be here on Tuesday. While in Math class Tuesday, I swear I felt her arrive. Between Math and Spanish Lab, I ran to the bathroom and...nada. Not a spot, not a hint. I stuck on a pad anyhow, knowing that she would be there sometime that day. Several times I swear I could feel the blood...but when I checked, nothing. Last night I could smell it - you know how that happens from time to time - but nothing. Today? Still crampy. Still the royal bitch from hell. I haven't been THIS moody/pms-y in a long time. My uterus currently feels like it's own entity in there. But AF is not here, and I'm getting more and more angry with every passing cramp.

Does anyone else see this irony? We've been TTC for 3 years in February. I decided after last semester that I probably can't handle school and a pregnancy and that we were going to wait until I graduated to do any more treatments. For 3 years, AF has arrived within a few days of schedule, and never more than a day after Crampy the cat. Crampy's been around for 3 days now, and I'm ready for him to go away. For 3 years I've hated every cycle that's started over, because it meant another failure. This month, I took pains to avoid my O time so I wouldn't get pregnant...and now, now she's screwing with me. I have 3 tricks to make her show up, but can only do two of them because I don't own any white pants. I'm going to have to test...which is guaranteed to make her show up within the hour...or I'm going to have to break down and FD with Aaron tonight. That usually makes her arrive the next morning. I might FD and if she doesn't show, I'll test in the AM.

I realize that AF isn't officially "late" until next week. A stressful cycle, which this has been between school and mom, is usually about 28 days. It's the symptoms of AF that are killing me! I don't want them if I'm not going to get her too...that's not even remotely fair! The last irony is me complaining because she hasn't shown up when I'm usually bitching because she has - it just strikes me as several levels of wrong.

I'm sorry that I haven't been very good about posting. I don't have a lot to say other than "ACK! SCHOOL!" and that gets old fast. Thanks for still checking on me!

Biological IF hypothesis

This may not make sense to most of you, but I am totally stoked. Scan for the important details. If you're a biology person...what do you think?

Backstory: DH has spherocytosis. The lining of his red blood cells is too thin, so instead of being round it's spherical. He has had his spleen removed so it doesn't kill him. His mother, aunts, uncle, and sister all have it too. He also has morphology/motility issues.

I was in biology class today and we were discussing eukaryotic cells. Eukaryotic cells have a cytoskeleton that gives them shape and is also what causes them to be motile. (Anyone see where I'm going with this yet?!) Red blood cells, when they are created, are eukaryotic (although later they aren't). So the DO have a cytoskeleton. Sperm are also eukaryotic and have a cytoskeleton.

Dh's red blood cells are a funny shape. So is his sperm. He also only has about 51% motility. I am beginning to think that he has a cytoskeleton issue...causing both the blood disorder AND the infertility. His one uncle has spherocytosis and can't have kids. They've always assumed it's because he had the mumps as a kid. Maybe it's not!!! MAYBE THE TWO ARE LINKED!

There is no cure for spherocytosis. It's really rare. There is no cure for funky morphology either. I'm wondering...do the two share a chromosome or a protein? Could there be a cure for both, something no one has put together? I'm going to talk to my professor on Tuesday. Meanwhile...omg I'm thrilled at the idea. Even if there isn't a "fix", maybe there's a reason!!!

I've been lapped...

again.

Now, a disclaimer before I post: I am happy for my IF sister who has lapped me. Don't get me wrong. If your'e reading this, hun (and you know who you are), please believe that I am SO happy for you. I thank you for sending out a small Email before posting for the whole board. But you also know, having done this for many years, how hard it can be for those of us on the outside still. And thus begins my post.

As most of you know by now, Aaron and I have been TTC almost 3 years. It will be 3 years sometime next month - I don't know when I stopped taking my pills, because I didn't bother to count. I didn't think it would take THIS long. About 6 months into starting, I had a chemical pregnancy. At the time I didn't know what that was, and went in search of answers. I stumbled across the WebMD JSO board, where I made my home for a year after that. At the end of that year, I moved over to the 6+ board, and eventually on to ITSG/CFC board.

While I was on the JSO board I met a wonderful group of women. They eventually moved off the boards and onto yahoo, but have still kept in touch with each other. A new group of girls moved in, and I became friends with them. We all moved over to 6+ about the same time, and some of us ended up on the ITSG/CFC board and have remained a source of support for each other all this time.

I have now been lapped by two of my sisters. They have each announced a second pregnancy while I am still waiting for my first. I don't begrudge them their trials in getting pregnant both times - Lord only knows if I would be able to go through what they've gone through once, let alone twice. They deserve this. But...it's hard to be completely happy. I want to rage "Why?! Why not some of the rest of us who are still waiting for our first?! Why do others get to have more than one while some of us would be totally ecstatic to have just one?" Isn't there a queue somewhere, with God handing out babies to those in line? Are these other people just line cutters...or are the rest of us just not paying attention and missing our turn?

Sometimes I feel like I no longer have the right to bitch when others announce their pregnancies and I'm still waiting. It's not like I'm doing treatments anymore, and we know that without help we only have a 1% chance each month. I'm not using opk's, or temping, or eating the magical juju fruit. I'm trying very hard not to time sex anymore either - it's taking too much of a toll. I want my life back, but I want to be pregnant too. On the other hand, it would probably be for the best if I didn't get pregnant right now, since I'm trying to go to school. Doesn't mean I don't want it, doesn't mean I won't be thrilled as all hell if we somehow manage it. But if I'm not trying, really trying, anymore...what right do I still have?

Preggo Bloggers

It seems they're everywhere. I've been trying to read new blogs in the past few weeks, stemming from the creme-de-la-creme post I mentioned before. I've been visiting blogs, and going to other blogs from there. And it seems like almost every single damn one of them is pregnant, when I look at their current postings. It's a slap every time, too. These people wrote such heartwrenching posts at some point last year, about their journey and where they were and what they had gone through...and now they're pregnant. Is that the key? Do I need to make a soulrending post about my infertility and hope that the BFP Fairy takes pity on me?

I don't mean to sound bitter, but I think I am. It keeps feeling like I'm the only infertile blogger left - well, me and Wendy, and this guy's wife. Everyone else is pregnant, in one stage or another, and it's bringing to the surface all the anger I thought was gone. I thoughts I wasn't angry about not having a child, about the definite possibility that I will be 35 before I get to go through treatments again. I thought I was done being bitter that those around me seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, and that most of the people I know who are infertile are now joining the preggo world.

I guess not.

School makes me sick

Literally.

School starts up again tomorrow. For the next 16 weeks I'm going to be up to my ears in Biology (chapter 8 is on infertility and reproduction...WOO!), Spanish, and Math. I forsee lots of homework.

At any rate, I woke up this morning with a cold sore. A big one. On the left side of my upper lip. OWIE! I showed Aaron, who said "You had one of those at the beginning of last semester too." I did? If he says so...I can't remember that far back! It's been 20 weeks! At any rate, in the last hour I've started sneezing, my nose is draining, I feel all stuffy. Great. Sick for the first day of classes. So I asked Aaron "Was I sick at the beginning last time too?" to which he replied "Yes. You had a cold sore, were sick, AND AF was in the house. You're one step better this time."

SHHHH! Speak not the name of the foul witch! I don't put it past her to show up again, just to screw with me. I haven't even O'd yet - she showed up last Sunday so I'm only on CD9 of I've-lost-count-of-what-cycle-I'm-on.

I have most of my books. I say "most", because my Spanish books aren't on the website yet. I can't purchase them online. I just found out last night from a friend who works at the bookstore that all of the Spanish classes use the same bundle. I'm going to have to trek to the bookstore and fight all the people to get my books today. And I'm sick. I don't wanna!!! But I have to have the books. I'm really frustrated with my professor AND the department. The department, because they are the one who puts the orders in for the books...and the books may or may not be at the actual bookstore yet. The professor because there should have been an Email sent out, or a message posted on Blackboard (the program that most profs use to leave class messages and grades), or something to let everyone know that they needed to pick up the bundle. He doesn't even have Email so his students can contact him!!!

What kind of professor doesn't have Email in this day and age? He's teaching college students, for pete's sake. You know, the people who are firmly attached to technology of some sort all the time? A computer, laptop, beeper, cell phone, pager, PDA, 3 different messaging programs, etc? There should be some way to contact him...and there wasn't even a phone number.

Grah. I'm going to go play video games now, as this might be my last chance until summer (or spring break at the very least).

Healing

I am on a blogroll, created by the wonderful people over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. Recently, Mel asked for people to send in their best posts of 2006. The truly heartfelt posts, the ones that sum up something important to you. I've spent the last several days reading over these posts. You can find them here.

Over the past several days, I've found that I'm not alone. Not that I ever thought I truly was - I know too many of the girls over at WebMD for that - but even though I share so much with them, at times it seems I'm the only one to feel a certain way. I've read posts from husbands, wives, surrogates. Infertiles, pregnant after infertility, just starting out the journey. Those who've lost hope and have stopped, those determined to keep on, those who are taking a break and those who have chosen other options. Some posts are recent, some are from the beginning of last year. Regardless, they've all helped me heal in some ways.

I feel incredibly peaceful with my choices right now. I thank every single one of you who submitted your posts for being brave enough to share with everyone your most poignant post, for linking it where everyone can see. To the Town Criers, I want to say thank you for making the blog roll, and doing such wonderful things for the infertile community. I've learned of many new blogs along the way, and I wouldn't have found them without you.

To those who have left me comments - thank you. They mean a lot to me, to know that others are doing more than just stopping in, to know that my blog post meant something to someone. To my new readers - thank you, as well, for coming by. I hope you come back to see how things are, and if you have a blog I'll find my way there as well.

One of my bigger pet peeves in life

People who can't speak, type, or understand English very well who work in an occupation where these things are vital.

What's brought this on at the moment is this:

My company has an internal website, available via intranet only. I understand this. There are "employee offers" that are available to us, and some of them require the internet to access...which we do not have at work. Some of those offers have Insibeen made accessable, because the proxy has been changed to allow it (from what I understand of that stuff, which isn't much). However, some of the sites, like the bookstore that offers discount on Pearson books, are still blocked. I notified them of this issue last June, and still nothing has been fixed.

Here's where my rant fits in: I emailed the admin team yesterday, telling them all this. I asked them if there was a way to get the proxy fixed to allow access, since I couldn't access from work. The reply I got was that "Inside Teams site only use for work. If need link to the other web site, use this links: http://inside.ncspearson.com/
You may be able find what you need." I told the person that I tried to use that from work, and I went to the employee offers page, and when I clicked on the bookstore I received the "Page cannot be displayed" error. Could they please tell me if there was another way to access the offers, or fix the proxy? To which I received this gem: "You can not access from outside, because this is intranet means for internal use only."

Really? Are you sure? Because I think I have clearly stated that I am trying to access the offers from work and can't and would you please fix the fucking thing so I can because they are worthless as they are. I responded back with "I understand that I can only access the intranet from work, but these offers require internet and I can't access THOSE from work...which is the only place to access the intranet to start with. Could you please either fix the proxy or send me a paper way to access these offers? I hope that works because I am going to kill someone.

Dear lord, people - he doesn't seem to get that I understand very well that it's internal. I've been trying to access it from work. I can't. How hard is a request for help to fix the stupid thing to understand? Apparently a lot. At this rate I may end up calling the help desk...which usually isn't any help at all when it comes to this sort of thing...and asking them to please fix it.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

I might start becoming a BSU Bronco's fan after all. I have never cared about football, much, until I was given a reason to. If you aren't a sports fan, stop now and thanks for visiting today. :)

BSU attended their first bowl game ever last night. We went to the Fiesta Bowl as undefeated. We are still undefeated! In a very hard fought, and well played game, we won in overtime 43-42! ESPN called it an "instant classic" and "one of the more amazing games in recent memory". I like this story better, though. It's a rather moving peice...and tells the play-by-play of how one player asked his cheerleader girlfriend to marry him ON FIELD after the game. WOO! It's enough to stir me!

Aaron, Nomi, and Timm all gave me reason to care about the game. They told me "If they win, it's more money for the sports team. That means that the money currently going to the sports team from the college won't be going there anymore...which means that money goes back to the rest of the school. It also means more prestige, which means better majors, professors, and more students." So...selfish as this sounds, I'm glad they won because it means maybe my tuition won't go up so much! But dagnabbit - I might actually start caring. I can't believe I'm actually excited about the outcome of a bowl game...

Mom is back in the hospital

She had her hip replaced the week before Christmas and got out of the hospital the day before Christmas. At the time they knew there was a small fracture in that hip - they saw it on xray. Mom heard her hip "clicking" yesterday and called the hospital who told her if it got worse to come in. At noon yesterday she tried to get up (she has a lift chair) and couldn't. She ended up calling 911 and being taken in via ambulance to the ER. Her orthopedic surgeon is at the Rose Bowl, so another surgeon looked at her. He was going to send her home! My mother refused because she knew something was wrong, so he sent for another orthopedic. The second one said "Yup, something's wrong" and called mom's surgeon. Apparently the little break is now a bigger break. Mom's doc said "You can go home, or better yet stay in the hospital. I'll be back on Monday, we'll do surgery on Tuesday." So she's in the hospital until then, and Tuesday she probably gets a pin put in her hip bone. After that, dad wants to put her in a nursing home for a few weeks for rehab. Mom is less than stellarly pleased about this...just the idea of being put in a "nursing home" is enough to depress her. If it had another name, perhaps it would be better. She's always hated the idea of not being able to take care of herself.

My dad is stressed to the max. He actually sounds stressed, which is unusual for him. He's one of the calmest people I know. However, he's been getting up at 4am to go to work and not getting home until at least 8pm. Then he has to catch up on laundry and dishes and eat, and it's almost 10pm before he gets to sleep. He's getting about 5 hours of sleep a night. The man is almost 60 - he shouldn't be working these kinds of hours. What happens if he has a heart attack? He's at that age, and even though he's really healthy it could still happen. He won't be able to take care of mom, she won't be able to take care of him. I can't go down there to take care of them...not without quitting school, taking semi-permanent leave from my work, and running the risk of bankrupting us without my income. My sister can't come up here - she's got 2 kids. We won't even discuss my brother - he's still in Lovelock, so far as I know, and even if he weren't there's no way in hell I'd trust him to take care of them properly.

What am I going to do? I feel so guilty for not being there for my parents. I should be there, dammit. They're my parents. Next to Aaron, they're all I've got. This is not a good way to start the new year. OH! Speaking of which:

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

OMG Boobies! And they're REAL!

I took best friend Nomi to the mall on Tuesday, because she had a gift card but no car. Yes, I know we're crazy for going to the mall the day after Christmas but it wasn't that bad really. Parking was a bitch, but other than that...

Anyhow, the reason for this post. We were at Lane Bryant and Nomi showed me the bras she wears. She can't sing their praises enough, apparently. We decided I should get measured, so I know what size I really take instead of just guessing...just in case I decide to get a new bra soon. I told the lady I needed measured and into the changing room we went. I've been wearing about a 40C, but that's only because it's the only thing remotely comfy I can find. The lady's diagnosis? I am a 36DDD. That's right...DDD.

I went next door to Victoria's Secret, because I knew that they did sizing. The lady there asked me what I wore and I told her 40C (because it's what I had on). She did the FASTEST fitting and said "I have you at a 40 C/D". She's so full of crap. Never trust those people.

Nomi and I decided I should split the difference, since a 36 was a bit tight. I went with a 38DD. Aaron and I went back to Lane Bryant and bought me a new bra. I wore it for the first time today and HOLY BOOBIES BATMAN! If I stand up straight I can't see my toes - and not because my tummy is in the way. Not only that, but I can't see my tummy - and it's not because I've lost a lot of weight (although I have lost 8 pounds). No...none of those things. It's because my boobs are too big to see anything else.

Aaron, of course, loves them. I am not sure what to do with them. I remember having boobs before, big ones...but I was 118 pounds then, in a size 10 pants, with 36B's. I was bigger than that (pound wise) when Aaron and I met almost 4 years ago. I was about 180, still with 36B's, but they've been growing at random ever since. I haven't gained any weight in the past year, but I've gone up at least 2 cup sizes since then...4 in the past 4 years. I can't keep up this rate of growth...can I?! I'm already afraid that if I go outside when it's cold that I'm going to poke someone's eyes out...

So that's my most recent drama...that doesn't involve parents, at any rate. :) Hope you got a chuckle!

People who overstep infuriate me!

Some of you may not know (because you don't belong to the WebMD boards) that I set up a Secret Santa project for the ITSG board this year. I did the same thing last year and it was a lot of fun. It's very very important to me, although I am not sure why. Maybe because I like doing things for people, and I love the girls on that board to death.

Well, one girl who lurks over there from the 6+ board asked if she could be involved. Her board was having a hard time, and wasn't doing anything like that, but she wanted to participate. I asked a few others if they minded, they said no, so I agreed to let her in.

I got everyone assigned, with no troubles. Last year the reveal was done before Christmas, but this year there were a lot of people out of town and others hadn't gotten their gifts. I have been trying to wait until the prior two things were resolved before revealing who had who. I have also tried to keep the girls updated on what's going on, and when the reveal is.

Today I sent out an Email, telling the girls that we would reveal tomorrow. Everyone should be back in town by then, so it could be the big reveal I was hoping for. I got several responses saying "But it's already been done on the board this morning." WTF? I raced over to the board to take a peek. Sure enough. Guess who overstepped her bounds and decided to take the reveal over from me? Yeah...the girl from 6+. She decided that she would just start the revelations this morning. WHERE DOES SHE GET OFF? It's not her project, it's not her right to say when the reveal should happen. I am so pissed off at her right now it's not even funny. How dare she do something like this on a board she doesn't even belong to, when she was allowed in only because she asked and everyone else said it was ok? I know...I'm probably being petty, but I hate being pushed aside on something that was really important to me. She had no right to do that when she wasn't the one in charge.

Call me petty, call me silly...but I'm seriously upset over here. I know I don't post a lot there anymore, but that's because I don't have anything going. I have, however, kept the girls as up to date as I could...both on the board and through Email, so no one would miss anything. I could cry.

Merry Christmas y'all!

Aaron and I are headed to my parents' house this morning for Christmas. We were supposed to leave last night, but they got a foot of snow Friday evening and dad thought it would be best if we waited. :) I happen to agree, even if it does frustrate me.

I think I forgot to mention that mom was having her hip replaced on Tuesday. She's doing well, but won't be coming home until Christmas Eve. They were going to send her home today but dad has to work and I'm not comfy being in the house alone with her. I don't feel capable of taking care of her on my own, so I told her I was perfectly fine with her staying in there until Sunday. Give her another day of pure rest! The hospital is also going to be sending a Home Health nurse person to the house starting Tuesday to help out, since dad has to go back to work.

At any rate, I wanted to thank all of you for continuing to come here and read my blog, even if it isn't getting updated very often and there's nothing exciting going on. It means a lot to me that you're still here after all this time.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

I hope you all get what you want the most!

I are teh smart! :)

I finally have all my class grades. They aren't "finalized" until January 4th, to give people time to protest, but I won't be doing that.

English: A+

Music: A-

Criminal Justice: B

Sociology: B-

Next semester it's Math, Biology, Spanish. It's a heavy load, but nowI think I can do it. I know, without a doubt, that I could have done better in Criminal Justice and Sociology if I'd really tried to. I didn't do a whole lot of the reading for those classes - just took the study guides, found the answers, went from there and crossed my fingers! But W00T! I PASSED!!

Drumroll Please!

I am now a free woman for the next 4 weeks. I took my last final today. Grades HAVE to be posted by 12/20, and are finalized on 1/4. Some of my professors, however, already have grades up.

Music: A- (I thought I was going to get a C!)
Criminal Justice: B (a very solid one, I might add)
English: not in yet, but I think I have an A
Sociology: also not in yet, but had a shaky B- going in. How I did on the final will sway the balance.

Not too shabby, all things considered. I'm looking forward to this next semester (if not all the work that goes with it). I've changed my major...again...for the 3rd time this semester. What can I say - I'm indecisive. I have now settled on Social Science. It sounds interesting, and the classes I took this semester put me a lot closer to having most of the work done (except the SS specific classes).

Next semester it's Biology 100 + lab, Spanish 101 + lab, and Intro to Mathematical Thought. I may add on a fourth class - I'll have to see closer to the start of semester how I feel about that. All of those classes are 4 credits, but if you include labs then I have 5 classes. That's a lot of homework! If I DO add another class it's going to have to be something easy and fun, with not much homework.

Ok...time for me to go get ready for a Christmas Party. Aaron and I are selling Avon now, and there is an area party tonight. I figured it might be good for us to go schmooze with other reps. :) I hope you all have a wonderfully MERRY CHRISTMAS, and I will try to update again soon. Thanks for checking in on me!

Nothing new...

There really isn't much to update. I'm healing very well from the surgery. I'm still a little sore, and have trouble lifting very many thing, but I'm working on it.

Finals are next week, and I have a ton of stuff to do in the meantime. I have an assignment due on Wednesday and my final essays are due Friday, along with my final journal. I'm more than a little nervous about that. I'm also nervous about my final grades, although I'm sure I did well. I think I'll end up with an A in English, a B in Sociology and Criminal Justice and a C in Music.

I've changed my major to socialwork. Almost anything I want to do in the CJ system can be done with a Socialwork degree, as well as anything in an office. I've also made a lot of progress toward that degree between this semester and next, which makes me happy.

This blog is probably going to slow down a lot since I don't have a lot going on. There's nothing on the TTC front at all for the foreseeable future. School is all consuming, but beyond papers and reading there isn't much to report on that front either. I thank all of you for continuing to check up on me, and I'll update as often as there's something to report.

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!

Just wanted to say how much I appreciate everyone who comes here to read this on a semi-regular basis. You don' t know how much it means to me that you still care enough about me after all this time to keep checking up on me, even when I don't have much to report and my TTC life is at a standstill. It's good to know I have friends everywhere. Thank you so much!

I hope you all have/had a very wonderful Thanksgiving and are stuffed (ha!) to the gills with yumminess!

I survived!

I'm sore as all get out, but I lived. Painkillers every 4 hours on the dot help a lot. I've been trying to get up and walk around but it hurts...it's hard to make myself do it, but I'm afraid if I don't the muscles will tighten up and that hurts more.

Surgery was interesting. They didn't get me into my "room" until 9:20 (was supposed to start at 9:00). They had the IV in around 9:50 and at 10:00 Aaron leaned on it and made it hurt. At 11:15 my anesthesiologist came by - my actual surgery was supposed to start at 11:00. At about 11:30 they wheeled me into the OR. I remember feeling a bit woozy - telling them it was a good thing I was already laying down because I felt light-headed! The nurse lady said that's because she gave me something to make me woozy. The next thing I knew, I was having an asthma attack! Not a fun way to wake up, let me tell ya! I was all done, though, and in recovery. Time was about 1:15 when I could finally see the clock. I left the hospital about 4:00 and proceeded to fall asleep every 30 seconds for 10 minute bursts all the rest of the day. Aaron had the audacity to accuse me of being incoherent yesterday! Just because I was all drugged...

I have several rashes on my chest from the EKG pads they put on me to monitor my heart. I TOLD them I was allergic to adhesive, that I was allergic to the EKG pads, but they did it anyway. My chest itches like a sonofabitch, and it's bruised because I keep scratching/rubbing it. I also found a pad on my back today that they so kindly left for me...not very happy about that!

Well, that's all for now folks. I'm going to go play FFXII some more, chill on the couch. :) Have a great weekend!

The pre-op appt

I am only doing one surgery. I can't get the schedules to match up without waiting until December and I don't want to wait that long. I'm already stressed out to the gills - I've lost 7 pounds in the last week, despite not eating much, and my hair is falling out at a rapid rate. I'm having panic attacks every other day, my TMJ has flared up every few days. My back muscles, between my shoulderblades, have been a lot more painful and tense the past few days. I keep stretching but it doesn't help much. Between the stress, and carrying my books (which I swear are getting heavier and need to go on a diet), my back is ready to give out on me!

I had my pre-op appt on Thursday. It didn't help matter to have more information. Now I have a whole new set of questions to add to my old ones. The lady did tell me that if I'm a nervous wreck (which is normal) that I can ask them to give me something to relax - probably Demerol, which I hear is great stuff. I have an entire instruction sheet of things to do before going in for surgery, stuff to take with me, things not to do. I have my own sheet of things I need to remember to tell them, or ask them, before I go under.

My gallbladder is acting up more and more lately. Yesterday my shoulderblade area hurt all damn day with no end in sight. It actually started the night before in my ribs. They tell me that my gallbladder can cause shoulder pain (it radiates upwards), so I'm assuming that's what was causing it. It felt like my shoulderblade was caught on my ribs, or something to that effect, and nothing was working.

So that's my update. I will try to update again after the surgery this coming Thursday but I make absolutely no guarantees. I will probably be drugged to the gills for a few days and if I'm feeling better by Tuesday, I have to work all day Tuesday and Wednesday in preparation for Thanksgiving. If I don't post before that..HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!

One surgery is a go

The gallbladder surgery is currently set for Thursday November 16th at 9am MST. I won't actually go into surgery until 11am, they plan 45 minutes for the surgery itself, and then two more hours for recovery.

This may all change, however. The gallbladder surgeon (henceforth known as Dr Giles) only does surgery on Wednesdays & Thursdays. The OB surgeon (henceforth known as Dr Poole) doesn't do surgery on Thursdays. See the problem? Well, I am willing to move my date around if I need to in order to accomodate them.

I am, however, extremely displeased with Dr. Poole's surgery scheduler at the moment. I scheduled with Dr. Giles' person yesterday. She was supposed to get in touch with Dr. Poole's person. I called Dr. Poole's person yesterday afternoon to ask if he had surgery permissions at St. Alphonsus (where I am getting my surgery done). She called back and said "Yes, he has permission at St. Luke's". Whaaaaa? So I called back, and they put me on hold...and never answered my call or transferred me to her voicemail. This morning, 8am, I called Dr. Poole's scheduler. I spoke directly to her and yes, he does have permissions. Then she told me that he doesn't work no Thursdays, but that she would talk to him as soon as he arrived to see what he wanted to do...and she'd call me back in a few hours. At 1:00, when I got out of class, I called her again. She said "I will talk to Dr. Poole in just a few minutes and try to get back to you today." I don't have time to screw around, lady! I need to take time off work, talk to my profs, Aaron needs/wants to take the day off - all of which takes time.

So...I am giving Dr. Poole's scheduler until end of day tomorrow to contact me with a date. I don't need the added stress of all this - I'm already fully panicky and morbid. I've had two passive panic attacks in two days! If she doesn't call me, I will inform them that I will not be doing my endo lap with them at this time. I may consent to do it next summer, when I don't have so much going on. Who knows...just have to see how it plays out.

Small update

The ultrasound showed 2 gallstones that were big enough to throw a shadow - which means that there were 2 big enough to disrupt the sonic waves. If there are smaller ones, they can't see them. This means it's entirely possible that I have a gravel pit in there!

Tuesday I go to meet with a surgeon for the gallstones. I spoke with both his scheduler and the one for the OB that I went to and they both say that I can get my endo lap done at the same time as the gallbladder removal. YAY! I am going to have to check on insurance stuff, make sure it's all covered the way I think it will be.

I am going to try and hold off on doing the surgery until the week of Thanksgiving. I don't think I'm going to be able to, but it would be best. I don't have any school that week and the office is only open for two days. I'm going to have to use up all my vacation time when I do this...I'd prefer at least some of it was holiday! I am, however, driving both myself AND Aaron nuts with my wondering about the surgery. I don't know what to expect afterwards. I think it's going to be hella painful...Aaron says I'll be sore, but fine in a few days. I'm anticipating one of us on the couch (probably him, or the cats will be jumping on me all night), he thinks we'll be ok in the same bed. I'm thinking "Give me Percocet to take home", he's thinking "Vicodin every few hours should be just fine". I've heard reports of everything from a few days recovery to 6 weeks...just for the gallbladder. Having two at once is going to be harder on me...and I'm already a very slow healer whose body reacts strongly to pain.

This is not going to be pretty...not even a little. I will try to update again later this week, after I talk to the surgeon.

Gallbladder update

In reading over my last few posts it appears I forgot to mention something.

When I went to the neurosurgeon, he said "BTW, did anyone tell you you have a gallstone?" A what? I have a what where? No doc...no one bothered to tell me this. "Oh. Well, you have a 1.7cm gallstone." How big? Well, about the size of a dime. Apparently my frickin' body has decided it would be nice to grow a pearl in my gallbladder. This explains a lot of what's been going on with my gastrointestinal system in the past few months, although I didn't think anything was bothering me other than a finicky system.

The other night I had a REALLY REALLY bad attack. Bad enough that Aaron threatened to take me to the ER. Luckily for me, these attacks pass fairly quickly - 15 to 30 minutes, although I do hurt for about 16 hours or so all told, just not bad. I went to the college doc yesterday. He ran some b/w (I should get the results today or tomorrow) and I go in for a u/s on Thursday morning. Since the gallstone was an incidental find (they weren't looking for it, it just happened to show up on the MRI), he wants to find out what's REALLY going on. Do I have more than one? How are they (it?) positioned? How likely am I to have a blockage? Will I need surgery?

I found out from my sister that they can do my endo lap AND my gallbladder surgery at the same time. It will be cheaper that way, and a lot easier on me if I only have to recover once instead of twice. One hospital bill, one anesthesiologist...and maybe only one surgeon, we'll have to see. At any rate, I might be getting this all taken care of sooner than I planned. If I leave the stone in there I run the risk of having it go to my liver and diseasing it, or breaking through the wall and letting bile into my bloodstream. Neither of these is a terribly attractive option, so I will probably just have the damn thing removed.

Anyways...sorry I haven't updated in a bit. It's been a busy time - school (I'm a full B student!!!), work...and lots of doc visits. I'll update more when I know more.

And the wait is on!

Aaron and I did some refiguring and took a better look at our insurance. I was wrong. It wouldn't cost us about $2500 after insurance. It would cost us $9K after insurance - if we hadn't used our insurance AT ALL. My insurance sucks ass, so we will be cancelling it at the end of this month. It will be all but tapped at that point anyways and become completely useless, so there's no point in continuing to pay for it if I can't use it.

Next June or so Aaron will be eligible for better insurance. We may decide to just do this laprascopy next year, if our finances are in better shape. We will NOT be doing an IUI this December - I see no point in trying it if my uterus is not in perfect shape. Or at least as close to perfect as I can get it, which means no endo. We'll see what happens after we do the lap...perhaps we'll get KU'd right away, perhaps we'll do an IUI right away to help ensure a pg, who knows. Maybe I'll just give up!

I know it isn't impossible to get pg with endo. My sister did (two boys)- and she had to have a D&C every two years to get her endo cleared out until she could get someone to listen to her and remove her uterus and one ovary. My cousin Mandy, whose endo is so severe she was told she would never have childre, has two little boys. Her sister Christine has severe PCOS and was also told she'd never have kids - her daughter will be two (or is it three? I can't remember) in May! So it's not impossible...but it will definitely be our miracle baby.

I told my parents and my dad seriously pissed me off. I won't even go into details right now because it will upset me all over again, but he is convinced I shouldn't have this lap done unless they are 100% certain that I have endo. Uhhh....on a checklist of 12 items I could answer yes to 8 of them. The only way to know for sure is to go in there and take a look! And yes - I know it's going to cost a small fortune and yes! I know I can't afford it. But I am NOT going to throw more money at my uterus just to have it say "FUCK YOU JEN! NO BABY FOR YOU!" It just doesn't make sense.

Ah...there I go getting all upset. It's time for bed. This has been the worst week in a long while and I am very very glad it's over.

The good, the bad, the so-so

I'm back from the ob's office. I have news.

the good: A herniated disk shouldn't stop me from having kids. Yes, being pg is going to exacerbate the problem...but it doesn't mean I CAN'T do it.

the so-so: The ob thinks I have endo. This is good, because it would explain my IF and my insurance will cover any IF treatments related to endo. Bad, because...

the bad: It will cost us about $2500 after insurance to have a lap done and be diagnosed & have it removed. We don't have a cc that will hold that right now, so it's probably going to be 6 months or so before we get it taken care of...at the very least.

But...I have an answer, more or less. It's about what I thought. Aaron says we should sue the RE's office for not doing a lap in the first place (due to family history) and having us do an IUI that wasn't going to work.

I am so depressed now

I went to the neurosurgeon today. I had high hopes that he could fix me, that something could be done.

I was wrong.

He took a look at my MRI films and said "Here's the tiny herniation. Here's the dried out disk. There's no nerves involved. There's nothing I can do. To help, stay slim and do some core exercises. Any weight you carry in the front is going to make it worse."

Great. I get to live with this pain for the rest of my life. Not only that but I have to find a way to lose weight - as if I haven't been trying to do so for the last 6-7 years? Accordingly, if carrying more weight up front is going to make it worse...guess who doesn't get to be pg? That's right...me. Unless we decide the risk is worth it - but last week and the week before I could barely walk. I don't know what's going to happen if I add another 50 pounds on my front side.

I'm so depressed and upset. I can't decide if I want to scream or cry...or both. I have been on the verge of tears for the last two hours. This guy was my only hope of being fixed - and now I know that, as usual, no doc can ever help me.

"don't worry - I'm in the same boat"

I just had to share this with y'all - this is one of the more irritating and slightly amusing things I've heard in a while.

I was getting my hair trimmed yesterday by this girl in her early 20's, if that. She made the usual small talk "How long have you two been married?" followed by the inevitable "Do you have any kids?". I told her no, and she looked to be ready to ask more questions. I then said "We've been trying for two and a half years". This usually stops they questions before they start...or leads to what happened next.

She said "Oh don't worry - I'm in the same boat. But you're not supposed to tell me it's been that long"

I shrugged and said "Sorry. How long have you been trying?"

This cute little slip of a girl says, in all seriousness, "It's already been 3 weeks!"

OMG, y'all...I almost fell out of my chair! Had I been able to get up and walk, instead of her weilding scissors at my hair, I was very tempted to say "OMG, really? That long? Are you panicked yet? How can you STAND it?" I didn't...I just looked at her and informed her that it takes the average healthy couple 4-6 months to conceive, you only have a 20-25% chance of conceiving every month, and that if you haven't conceived in a year then you need to go see a specialist-which happens to be be here in Boise!

She's in the same boat, huh? Three weeks versus two and a half years? Hell, three weeks versus two months, even...not even remotely in the same boat. She's barely ovulated, if she's lucky. Sometimes people amuse me - I guess it's good I can laugh, even when I probably shouldn't.

My own results are back

And it turns out I have a herniated disk! This explains the pain for sure...and the numbness. I am waiting to hear back from my doc about what we're going to do. They mentioned a "spinal specialist", along with the words "injections" and "physical therapy" to Aaron...and for me to call them back. Which I've done. Repeatedly. They just aren't returning MY calls.

So that's my saga. Sounds like IUI is on hold indefinitely until I can get this taken care of.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update: Got in touch with my docs office. I had the option to do physical therapy or go to a neurologist. I have already tried the p/t route with very little success and the thought of anyone touching my back with the intent to fix makes me want to cry. So I opted for the neurologist person. The first appt is on 10/17 (do they really think I can like with this pain for another 11 days?!) at 1:30 in the afternoon, which is going to make me late for work. Good thing I have an understanding boss!

I'm terrified.

W00T!

Mom called - it's not cancer! WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was a fatty tumor, that's it! Aaron had one like that removed a few years ago on his back - they're no big deal. I'm stoked!

I won't hear until tomorrow about my MRI results. Instead of taking 30 minutes it took over an hour. They had to repeat a few shots because there was too much movement. Uh...hello? Back is spasming out, causing lots of pain...hence the reason I was there? What did they expect?

Ah well...tomorrow I have a music test and then I get my results, hopefully. More then!

It's been a while

and life is getting busy. I'll try to get you caught up without venting!

C39 started on Friday. Not sure why I keep counting-guess it's just habit now. Nothing going on this cycle, ttc-wise that is. Just the same old, same old.

On the 13th I have an appointment with a new doctor. He is an ob/gyn who also does infertility work. I have been reading a book called "The Infertility Companion" lately. It's really helped me deal with some crap...I highly recommend it to anyone out there who either IS infertile, knows someone who is, or who just wants to learn more about it. At any rate, it was discussing diagnostic testing and whatnot. It turns out that most physicians do not consider the workup complete without a laprascopy...which I have never had. I feel like my RE got Aaron's SA results back and said "Oh look-there's the problem. We'll just go with that!" and didn't bother to finish testing me. Of course, my RE hasn't exactly been involved with my treatment at all-I've met her once, talked to her on the phone once. I don't like that. At the very least I'll get a second opinion from the new doc about our results and treatment. At best he'll agree to do a lap on me-not that I'm anxious to "go under the knife", but it gets me KU then I'm happy.

On Thursday I have an MRI for my back. Last September I woke up in extreme pain, more or less unable to move. I ended up going to the ER because the pain was over my kidneys and we were afraid something was wrong with them. It turns out that it was deep muscle spasms...the kind you can't see or feel, really, but hurt like a MFer. I went to my regular doc, who gave me muscle relaxers and pain killers. Then a new relaxer. Then physical therapy. Well...last Sunday I woke up hurting again. By Monday I could barely walk again and it lasted a week. Aaron and I have decided that I need to find out what's going on. The pain strikes without warning, the spasms make me look like a marionette. The pain is increasing every time I wake up like this. It now streaks down to my knees, and my legs/feet have been going to sleep at random...even when I'm walking. Well...not to sleep, but to that pins/needles stage when they've BEEN asleep and are waking up. All of this leads us to believe something is wrong with my nerves-could be my scoliosis getting worse, could be my sciatic nerve. Either way, it needs to be taken care of (if it can be) before we get me pg. Depending on Thursday's results, TTC could be on hold indefinitely.

My brother is being an ass and I could gladly kill him right now. I won't go into details here, but if you really want the full story let me know. Suffice to say he seriously pissed mom off and I hope he gets shanked.

Speaking of mom, she had to have another biopsy on her left breast on Monday. Last week the docs saw something on her mammogram...same spot, same breast as 3 years ago when she had cancer. So they biopsied it, removed it all...and we'll find out later this week if she has breast cancer again. If she does, they can't do radiation because they've already done it on that breast. She already had an appt set up with her cancer doc for 10/10, so she'll discuss treatment options then. It will probably be either chemo (like she had for the ovarian cancer two years ago) or a masectomy. Mom says if she has cancer again then she wants my sister & I to come down on the same weekend and be involved with the treatment selection. I do not want to do this. My sister pulled a major guilt-trip on mom, out of my hearing, when mom had ovarian cancer. She told mom that if she DIDN'T go through chemo (which mom didn't want to do) then she could explain to my youngest nephew why she'd rather die. I could have beat my sister at that point. How could she be so selfish? I mean, I don't want mom to die by any means-I'm not ready to be without my mommy, but to be honest I don't think I ever will be. However, I am not selfish enough to demand that mom do something she doesn't want to do, go through a terrible treatment that is going to be hard on her or (in this case) possibly live without her breast...just so I can have her around to talk to every other day. It has to be her choice and I will stand by her, against my sister and the rest of the family if I have to. And if my sister tries to pull the same shit again I plan on yelling at her until mom makes me stop. Mom says she doesn't understand Michelle's reaction-Michelle isn't even involved in mom's life much anymore. Mom hasn't seen "the boys" for over a year-mom talks to me every other day! And yet I'm the one willing to live without her if I have to-I refuse to ask her to do something for my sake.

Ok...I know I said I wouldn't vent but I couldn't help it. My siblings are both angering me to the point of violence. I hurt-a lot. I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do to fix any of this. I'm a control freak who currently isn't in control of anything. If you've read through all this...thanks. I appreciate it. I'll try to update after Thursday, when I get my MRI and mom's cancer results.

I'm learning! I'm learning!

In English class we have been assigned an essay of at least 8 pages on an experience, the questions it brought up, and our inquiry into finding the answers. I'm sure you'll all be shocked to learn that I chose my experience as TTCing and being told we're infertile. :)

I figured I could easily write this essay with my eyes closed. And then...then I found out we have to actually RESEARCH the paper. Funny that - having to research an essay in a research writing class... At any rate, I have to use 5 outside sources. I'm 4 pages in and have 7 sources so far.

I've been looking up actual infertility figures and how they compare to other things, as well as treatments and how they compare (just to give people a better picture). HOLY SHIT, people! I knew that it was a good amount of people, and it was expensive...but the research shocked even me! Did you know: Infertility is up from 10% in 1995 to 12.5% in 2002? The national unemployment rate is only 4.7% - infertility is 2.6 time as prominent as unemployment, and yet they make such a huge deal out of. Did you also know that the average cost for one round of IVF is $12,000?! For that price I can buy a 2006 Kia Rio! I think of the people who have done 4-5 rounds of IVF - they could own a fleet of Kia's!

I can't wait to get this paper done - I am going to find a place to host it and link it here so y'all can read it. I'm aiming for 12 pages so I don't want to actually post it here...but I'll try to link it.

As for TTC stuff - we're in limbo. We still haven't decided if we want to do IUI next cycle or not. If we do, we need to decide if we want to do an injectible cycle or just stick to the clomid. I don't know - I'm still struggling. I always said only once - and now Aaron wants to do it 3 times. If it didn't work, it didn't work - I give up. I agreed to do another in December because that's when we told everyone we would do it - but do I want to do one in October too? I just don't know.

Has anyone got a rock I can hide under?

Today is going to be one of those days. I just found out that one of the girls I used to be on JSO with has lapped me. She had a LOT of trouble staying pregnant and we were all completely thrilled when she carried her daughter to term. Her daughter is only 4 months old, and she just announced that she's pregnant again.

I feel like someone socked me in the stomach.

Don't get me wrong - I'm stoked that she doesn't have to go through what she went through last time to have her daughter. But still...why? Why her and not some of the rest of us? Why can't those of us who have been TTC for SO LONG have at least one before we get lapped by our sisters? I know that one you have a hard time getting pg the thought is "well, I had such a hard time, and needed so much help last time, there's no way I'll get pg on my own." I've heard it time and again - from cousins, sisters, SIL's, friends, strangers...you name it, they've said it. But man - it still sucks major ass.

Some days the thoughts just get to me. Like: One of the girls on ITSG had an IUI with a 3-4% success rate - and it worked. Aaron and I had a better success rate than that - and it didn't work. Why not? What did I do wrong? Sometimes I think even another chemical would have been better than nothing - at least then I'd know I could get pg and it worked...it's just that something was wrong. But no - nothing. Why do some people get pg when they don't want to, and those that do want to can't? What makes those others so damned special that they get my dream and I get left with nothing?

I am too raw to deal with this anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to do something. I can't keep doing this month after month after year with no success - I just can't keep it up. It's getting way too hard to see my friends succeed, and to cheer them on from the sidelines. I'm getting more and more bitter and withdrawn, and it's not healthy.

Man, what is UP with me lately?

I guess it's true what they say about clomid. It stays in your system for 6 weeks...and they don't call it cloMOOD for nothing. I have been seriously hormonal for a week now. I am not taking it this cycle, as I want my body to have a rest and NOT get cysts. However, I feel like I'm constantly PMSing (which I'm obviously not, since today is CD7). I've been crying all day - over a mess I made on a forum, trying to help DH with the kitchen and being in the way, over an English assignment. I've been tearing up at regular old books, songs I've heard dozens of times, commercials on the TV. This is not me. I don't cry like this.

I just feel emotionally raw. And overwhelmed. And frustrated by what isn't overwhelming me. I want to scream, throw things, rage at the world. I feel like no one understands, even though they do. I feel alone, even though I'm not. I want to make the world understand, and I can't. All I do is make a mess, make everyone mad at me...which only makes me cry more, try to make them understand more, and make them angrier at me. Vicious cycle, that.

My poor husband is "baffled boy". He doesn't know what to do with me. His wife is behaving oddly and he can't fix it. He doesn't understand that I don't want him to fix it, exactly. I want him to support me. Instead he just says "Don't read those things that upset you. Ignore them." He doesn't understand that I can't - I have to respond. I am driven to educate people - and it makes me sad when they don't/won't understand.

I am consumed by the desire to spare others the pain of comments that cut to the quick, even when they are intended to help. I know that people don't MEAN to be insensitive, that they feel the need to say something - anything - to make the person who hurts feel better. Sometimes it would be better if they just didn't say anything, or just hugged them. If you, dear reader, come across someone who is suffering from something...stop and think before you open your mouth. Put yourself in their shoes, just for a minute, and think how your words could be interpreted. That's all I ask - and I realize it's a big thing to ask.

I'm sorry if I've upset anyone with today's post. Like I said before, I am emotionally raw. Between the hormones, and my english essay that I am researching (probably about 12 pages on infertility), I don't feel in control. My usual filters are gone, and I feel very lost without them.

We're on a roll baby!

Today is C38, CD1. If this cycle goes the way they normally do, AF should arrive again just after our anniversary. That puts CD3 of C39 on October 1st. Everyone cross your fingers that October is our month.

I think my mom figured out what we did. I didn't tell her, but I think she knows. But that's ok...she also knows that my period started, so she also knows it didn't work. And I don't have to deal with her being upset, because I don't know for sure that she knows. :) It all works out in the end.

I think I have cysts left - AF is in the house but my ovaries hurt. This is not a good sign, but it IS one of the reasons we decided to go EOM on the IUI. I don't want cysts to put me out of commission, and if I do have them I want them to have time to go away so I don't have to miss the next month.

The results are in

and since I'm posting you already know the answer.

It didn't work...not pregnant.

We will not be doing this again next cycle, but DH wants to do it the cycle afterwards.

Thanks for the support and prayers - please keep DH in your thoughts. I think he's more upset than I am right now - I wasn't really expecting this to work.

I am furious!

Unless DH (which at the moment does NOT stand for dear husband...) changes his mind, I will not be able to update all of you until Monday.

He says that we are going to tell the parents over the weekend, but since he doesn't get to tell his coworkers until Monday/Tuesday that I am not allowed to update my blog, Email my friends, update the boards...or even tell my best friend what the results are.

So...I'm really sorry. I know how much we were ALL looking forward to the possibility of celebration, or commisseration...and now it's been postponed because he's on a power trip or some such crap. Unless I can force him to change his mind, I will respect his decision. No sneaking on, no accidentally messaging anyone. Nothing.

Please forgive me - I have no choice in this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EDIT/ADD ON: DH and I have been speaking. We have compromised. We will tell his parents Friday night before we leave so they have the opportunity to hug/dance/be excited with us personally. We will tell my parents Friday night (if they are awake when we get there, which is doubtful) or Saturday morning (as soon as we catch them). As soon as we are able to tell them, I will be allowed to update here. So...check back here Saturday night (I don't know when I will be able to update, exactly, so night should be good) for the results. I know it's not as good as knowing right away, but at least it's a compromise and y'all don't have to wait for Monday!

One day to go...and two songs

Only one more day to go until my beta! I'm a bit anxious, but I don't really have time to worry. I've had a few people ask what my "symptoms" are, so here's a list...and why I am putting no stock in them:

1) Peeing a lot, and it's orangish - It's possible I'm drinking more, since when it isn't orangy it's clear. I'm awake for longer, so it just goes that I would be drinking more.

2) I'm exhausted - but I'm only getting an average of 6 hours of sleep a night. I just started school and I haven't adjusted to a sleep pattern yet...at least not one that lets me get more than 6 hours. I've been taking naps every afternoon before work!

3) My nipples HURT! - my bb's usually hurt, because of the cysts, but now it's my nipples. They are threatening to leave me. I may be drinking more caffeine than usual, which could cause this - or they could just be being difficult. This isn't the first cycle this has happened.

4) My bb's are growing...again - at random! I noticed last night, so Aaron measured them and sure enough - they're growing again. But they do this - I all of a sudden go up two sizes for no reason.

5) I gag when I brush my teeth - but it could be because I'm still congested. I gag when I sneeze too, because it disturbs the mucus lining my throat!

So as you can see...pretty inconclusive. I'll find out tomorrow. And I have to admit that I'm worried about telling my mom - as you've seen in prior posts, she can be a bit of a killjoy. I want her to be excited and I'm afraid she'll say "Oh Jennifer...you're getting yourself in over your head. You just started school and you already told me you're having a hard time - it's going to be even harder now that you're pg. If you think you're tired now, just wait and see." I already told Aaron I expect him to defend us, and I'm hoping dad will back him up.

As for the songs I mentioned in the title: I've had two songs running through my head in the past week. I've afraid of what they mean - I haven't heard them in 16 and 12 years respectively and they all of a sudden popped into my head. That usually means God is trying to tell me something - and I don't really want to hear it right now.

"Dance, Dance, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said he
I will lead you all, wherever you may be
I will lead you all to the Dance, said he"

They that wait upon the Lord
shall renew their strength
They shall rise up, with wings as eagles
They shall walk and not be weary
They shall run and not faint
Teach me, Lord, teach me Lord to wait.

Any suggestions, guys?

Well...I'm now about 9dpiui. I keep swinging from "If this worked" to "I don't think it worked, now what". I'm currently in the "Since this had to have worked" mode.

If we had managed this naturally I know exactly how I would have told DH. I would have grabbed my pee stick and gone speeding like mad to his office. I wouldn't have told him I was coming, but would have gotten security to let me up - or called his boss and asked HIM to let me up. I would have taken the pee stick and said "Hunny, I need your help. Please tell me what THIS says", holding the stick out to him.

Well...I don't get to do that. I won't be peeing on a stick, and it's not going to be a huge surprise if it worked. Yes, a surprise that it worked but a surprise we were expecting...if that makes any sense. So I don't get to go with my original thought.

I am making this post for a reason. I am asking your help in deciding how I should tell him. I don't want to act like it didn't work and then tell him it did - that's just mean. He's not a big sports fan, even of the local guys, so getting him baby memorabilia won't work. I just don't know...but I really really want a physical something as a teller. :) So...leave me a comment, give me your ideas. I'll figure out Friday what to do, just in case he deigns to read my blog. :) THANK YOU ALL!

I'm not gonna make it...

no, I ain't gonna make it. I ain't gonna make it...to the first! [/twisted sister parody]

This cycle is taking FOREVER! I just looked at FF - which informed me that I am, in fact, only 3dpiui today. Wait...it's only been 3 days? Are you SURE it hasn't been a week already? Maybe I'm beta-ing THIS Friday, not next?

ACK! I knew it would be a looooooong 2ww but this is ridiculous! It's only been 3 days and I'm already going crazy(er). Maybe it's because I'm in school, and am thus now aware of time passing...or because I've been so miserable from being sick.

Speaking of being sick, I have to admit I'm worried. Remember my friend Jo from my posts last month, the one I was so excited about because she was pg...and now isn't? Well, her doc thought that maybe because she got sick and had a really high fever around O that she essentially "cooked" her egg - and even though it implanted it wasn't viable because it was "hard-boiled". Well...I started getting sick the day before the IUI. By Saturday night I was running a fever of 99.9 (normal at this point in my cycle is 97.5). So now I have to face the fact that I may have cooked my own egg...and this worries me a lot. I don't want to m/c...I'd rather NOT get pg then to have that happen. And we can't afford to do the IUI again, so this is it.

I know I have to not worry, and I know I should call my RE. I also know that most of you think I'm just being a paranoid git, but I can't help it. I've waited so long for this - and I just know something's going to happen to screw it up. Something always happens.

Because I couldn't resist

I very rarely make these - it's just too painful sometimes. But I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic this cycle. So I make a ticker - I'm hoping it will automatically count down for me (and you).







(and yes I know, they're very girly and pink...we're hoping for a girl so I'm doing all I can to encourage that)

I'm officially PUPO

or "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise". I've entered the most anticipated and yet longest 2ww of my journey. I hope that school and work will make it go by fast. We'll start with some events from yesterday and move to this very moment:

Yesterday I had the trigger shot (as mentioned below). I took a 2 hour nap afterwards and woke up with a sore throat. WTH is that?! I talked to the nurse at the RE's and she says "coincidence" - but I also talked to some girls over on the ITSG board and one said she ALWAYS got a sore throat after triggering. So I was hoping it was just that, but today my nose has joined the battle - at the moment it is threatening mutiny on my face if I don't stop blowing it. :(

The shot site is pretty swollen and red - looks like a bug bite of the big kind. Probably about 3" across - and sore, sore, sore. Feels like someone punched me. And I can tell the shot is working - at the moment my ovaries feel like baseballs. I can normally only feel the right side, regardless of what side I'm Oing on. Right now I can feel both sides...and it hurts big time. I haven't had cramps like this since I used to get AF in High School, pre-bcp days. All I want to do is curl up and not move - I can barely walk at the moment.

The IUI went great, however. No collection troubles and my cervix cooperated beautifully. Took about 2 minutes all in all. May I say, however, that I HATE speculums? They must have been created by a man...or a masochistic woman. You'd think they'd find a way to make those more comfortable!

Beta is scheduled for Friday September 1 at 8:45AM. I am going to have to reschedule due to a class conflict that I wasn't even thinking about at the time...but it will still be on Friday. The timing is perfect - we're supposed to be going to my parents house the next day. If it's a positive beta we'll be able to take their presents down and give them to my parents personally. I'll try to take photos, but I make no guarantees.

This is my update for now. DH is cooking dinner, I'm going to go lay down and cry. Thanks for checking in on me!

We have a WINNAH!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I went in for my u/s this morning, to see how many follies I was growing if any. I have to confess a bit of fear - yesterday I took 2 opk's and the second one was lighter than the first and I was afraid I'd missed my surge.

Turns out I was wrong! :) I had 8 follies on each ovary. On the right the biggest three were 14mm, 13mm, and 11mm. On the left ovary, however, there is a 22mm, 13.5mm, and 11.5mm! You read right... 22mm follie. That's my kid in there! And I suppose it's possible that the right side 14mm could develop into a mature follie - only another 4mm to go, but I don't know how fast they develop.

After the u/s the nurse lady triggered me. I didn't feel the shot itself...but a few minutes later it started to burn/itch. And I have a small welt there - at least it's on a stretch mark already! I also went and picked up my progesterone - ick. Last time I used this I was allergic to the media used, but I got it from a compounding place this time. :)

Please pray for us tomorrow morning. We are scheduled at 9:15 for the IUI itself, but we have to be there by 8:00 for collection and prep. I'm a little worried about the pressure on DH...and that my cervix won't cooperate.

The b/w is back finally

The nurse called yesterday but I wasn't available because I was working. I called them this morning to get the full results.

E2: 3.6 (good to be low that early otherwise the rest of the results would be faulty)
thyroid: 1.8
FSH: 6.2 (yay for good ovarian reserves!!! More eggies in there still!)
LH: 2.7 (because this is lower than the FSH it does NOT indicate PCOS...woo!)
Prolactin: 6.8 (I am super excited about this one - last year it was close to 30, which is WAY too high. It came down on it's own, no meds!)

Here is a chart that gives a breakdown of the levels and what they mean, if you want to see it for yourself. I am just totally stoked - we're both in the normal ranges!!!!

Cycle update

AF showed on 8/8...which made my cycle 24 days. I went in for b/w on 8/9...they run it today and I should have the results by tomorrow.

Dh went in for his SA on Thursday. Last year his count was 65million, with 51% alive and 5% the right shape. This time? 63 million, 53% alive and 13% the right shape. :) That's right, ladies and gents...the pills appear to have worked. The overall number of good boys vs bad boys is in our favor.

Let's see...I took my last dose of Clomid last night. And oh boy - was the last day ever fun. Yesterday I had to take MIL to the doc. On the way home she decided AFTER I'd already passed the easiest turn to ask me to take her to get lunch. I was sitting AT THE INTERSECTION that I should have turned at, PAST the one that would have been the easiest, when she asked me. So I had to go up to the next major street and then double back...and she didn't even offer me a single sandwich (and she got 5 of them!!!!! for herself!!!!!) To top THAT off, I then went to go make myself a sandwich because I'm starving and haven't been able to eat real food since my dental appt last week. I look around...where's my bread? I set my bread apart from everyone else's so it wouldn't get eaten. It's nowhere to be found - so I ask MIL if she moved it. Moved it? Nope. Eaten it ALL? yup. SHE ATE ALL MY BREAD! Now I canna have a sammitch and I'm all sad and teary...over a sammitch. Clomid strikes again!

I swear being pg will be the end of me if Clomid is any indication. And today I found out about the s/e's of the trigger shot - oh, fun times shall be had. I'm going to be a basketcase for the first week of school - hcg + stress of school = basketcase! :) Ah well...it will all be worth it, and it's all preparation for the real deal.

So...that's my update for now. I am scheduled to start opk's on Thursday, u/s on Friday...and hopefully IUI on Saturday. Please pray that I have two mature follies on Friday when I go in - I don't want to have to do multiple u/s's.

It figures...

the one cycle where I want AF to show up early so I can get this show on the road - she's taking her sweet time. Yesterday would have been perfect for her to show up - today would be good too. The earlier she arrives the sooner I get my IUI done! I'd love to have it done BEFORE I start school, which is in exactly 2 weeks from today.

I took my scripts over to the pharmacy this morning to drop them off. I was only expecting Clomid but I also got one for the trigger shot and one for progesterone. This RE isn't taking any chances - yay for aggressive docs!!! She's out to get me ku'd and by golly she's going to do it! :)

So now we wait...hope, pray, and wait.

And the RE says.....

We start this cycle! WAHOO! I am supposed to call on CD1 (which will be sometime between Sunday and Wednesday). The nurses will send me a script for Clomid, which I will take CDs 3-7. On CD12 I go in for an ultrasound and if I have at least 2 mature follies then they will trigger me and I do IUI the next day. If I don't have at least 2 follies they will wait - as far as I know from the girls on ITSG. Aaron is also going to call on my CD1 and get his SA scheduled so they know what to expect - no last minute surprises!

YAY! I could be KU'd by the end of the month...after a 2 1/2 year journey. I can't wait!

In other news, went to the dentist yesterday. I am, as usual, a complete mystery. I had a root canal done about 5 years ago on the tooth that's hurting. Because of the root canal I shouldn't be able to feel any pain in that tooth - but I do and it hurts like hell! Apparently the filling is breaking. I go in next Thursday (unless they have an opening earlier) to get a temporary crown put on. Two weeks later I go in for the permanent.

Wait a minute - two weeks from next thursday...and that runs RIGHT INTO MY IUI! ACK!! I just love the way my life runs - I want a kid, I finally have the guts to do it and now my teeth need work. I'm going to talk to the RE on CD1, see what she says about doing dental work at 3dpiui. AND I'm going to be in school - this is seriously not going to be fun. Nomi says the first two weeks aren't that important but I do NOT want to miss a day...for any reason other than labor and not even that if I can avoid it!

At any rate, that's my update. Whadddya know...I managed two in two days!

More updating

Good heavens life gets busy! There is more to update than I'm going to have time for today, but at least it's a start.

Hello to my newest readers from The Marriage Bed. I appreciate you stumbling across me and I hope my language doesn't offend you too terribly. I tell it like it is - and when I rant, I rant!

Now what you've all been waiting for (NO it's not a bfp for me)...UPDATES! WOO!

We were offered the chance last week to start adoption proceedings for a little boy. One of Aaron's coworkers is about 5 months pregnant or so (due Christmas Eve). She was thinking she would have to give her son up for adoption once he was born and she offered us the chance. We talked about it - for several days - before deciding that we shouldn't do it. There are too many "what if's" involved, and we really want to try IUI at least once before we adopt.

Speaking of IUI, my RE should be calling me any minute for a phone consult. We're going to get a game plan in place so that when it's time we can just do this thing. (I was supposed to go meet with her but I have an emergency trip to the dentist in about 45 minutes so that's right out) Aaron and I might step up the timeframe for the IUI but we aren't sure yet. Timing is everything, I suppose.

I know it seems awfully selfish of me after all this time to try and plan my kiddo. One would think I would know that you just can't plan these things. But I don't really see a reason why the first IUI shouldn't work - Dh has plenty of boys, they just need a little help to get to the final destination. This is, of course, assuming that all my hormones are where they should be still. I'll find out next week, since AF is due sometime between Sundy and Thursday. (gee....it's just like being a teen again and always being taken by surprise...) I don't want to miss finals if I don't have to, and I want to take as little time off school as possible. I'm worried about taking more than 6 months off because of loans, and then there's the whole "forgetting everything I ever knew" part. I'd love to have a kid in april, but that means already being pg...and I doubt I am. Part of me hopes...but the other part is terribly realistic.

And on yet another front: Some friends and I have joined Spark People to try and lose some weight. The place is pretty cool - not nearly as obsessive and contolling as most "diets" or plans like WW. You put in your weight and your target weight/time. It figures out how many calories you need to be eating a day, and how much of that should be fat/carbs/protein. I discovered that I was only eating about half of what I needed to! No wonder I wasn't losing anything - my body was fighting to stay alive! I don't use their meal planner - I just eat my regular foods and put it in there. That helps me see what I'm eating! Anyhow...if you join, let them know that Tigger sent you!

That's all for today, folks. I have to get ready to go pick up a friend so she can drive me home from the stupid dentist. And I'm really hoping the RE is going to call soon - I'm not going to be able to answer the phone with 4 pairs of hands, 6 instruments, and 25 utensils in my mouth at the doc's office....

All the latest updates

Dear Readers:
Thank you for bearing with me as of late. I've been absolutely, terribly, awfully remiss in updating. It's averaging 102* here and I have no a/c. It's been way too hot to sit in front of the computer and concentrate. Before I get started I'd like to plug a friend's blog. Wendy is one of my best TTC friends. She's a lot like me, only funnier than hell. She puts things into words and it's like "AMEN! That's EXACTLY how it is!" So - if you like my blog and aren't offended by "fart humor" (she asked me to put that...) check her out, let her know what you really think!

Let's start with the bad news. Remember I told you a little while ago about my friend Jo and how she was pregnant? She isn't anymore. She miscarried just after the 4th of July. The good news is that the docs think it was a one time thing (she got a fever about the time she ovulated and there's the chance her egg got fried), and that she has PCOS. How is PCOS a good thing, you might ask? Well, it means they can fix her - kinda. At least now she has a reason, and that's the good part.

On to more light-hearted things. Life has been busy lately. We finally got our new bed and mattress on Monday. We sorta miscalculated things and the bed takes up our entire bedroom now. We have JUST enough room between the end of the bed and the wall for me to squeak by to get into the closet - but its easier to just go over the bed. :) It's going to suck when I get pg - but I'm still doing it.

Once again I got into a terrible argument with my MIL about smoking...sorta. They've asked for a shelter from the weather - and the squirrels, who throw walnuts at them. So Aaron and I went to the store. I came up with every possible excuse they could use as to why each thing wouldn't work and we went with the one we thought would work. I was wrong. It led to a huge fight. I feel like nothing I can do will make them happy, that they are going to sneak into the house when I go back to school or find some other excuse to smoke indoors and ruin everything. She feels like we're trying to do the whole "our house our rules" thing because "you knew we smoked when you moved in here". YEAH? REALLY? And at that time I thought I would get pg on my own too! Anyhow, she also feels like we're trying to make them move out without actually kicking them out. This all causing much stress - she didn't speak to me for 2 days.

AF arrived that same afternoon. I'm not really surprised. Right around O time I was having my annual, so no bding for me. Then it's been so damned hot that I can't stand it. It was just a bad month, timing wise. We'll try again this cycle (shock!) The good news is that I had another 26 day cycle. This is a little weird, so I went and bought opk's to use. I'm not going to complain if my cycles want to straighten out - it just means I have to figure out what's going on again. And I don't mind that!

What else? Not really a whole lot. School starts on August 21st. I don't know how much time I'm going to have between school and work but I'll do my damndest to get this thing updated at least semi-regularly...beginning of each cycle if all else fails. Aaron is taking Fertility blend to try and make his boys all better. I figure "anything we can do to make IUI more sucessful is good" and while they make him nauseated for a few hours every day he figures "Jen's going to be nauseated while pg, this is the price I pay". :)

Thank you all for reading and sticking around, even without regular updates. I really appreciate it. I promise I'll try to do better in the future.