Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I have not the words

to describe, fully, how I feel right now. Lets start with anger, resentment, deapair, depression, utter failure, completely overwhelmed, rage. Lots of rage. I can easily sense the blackest, deepest pit of despair I have ever encountered, and I'm teetering on the brink. I don't know how to handle any of this anymore.

Why all of this, you ask? Well, I told you late last week about Wilma, right? On Friday I received an Email from a girl I was/am friends with from JSO. She's been TTC about a year...and found out Thursday that she's pregnant. Joy for her, sorrow for me. I told Aaron that there would be another one - there always is. I figured it would be on Sunday. Nope - life can't be that predictable. It was today. This time it was a girl I haven't spoken to in about 2 years, since she got pregnant with her first. She emailed me to tell me there would be another addition to the family - and I swear this is her third, but I've lost track.

I found this out while waiting for Biology class to start. I looked at Wilma and said in a very calm and somewhat lighthearted tone of voice "See? I told you there would be another one! That makes three in the last week!" To which the pregnant little bitch replied "So what? Who cares if we're all getting pregnant and you aren't?" I, more than a little shocked at this, said "Maybe I should go sit elsewhere." She replied "I feel sorry for you, I really do. But I'm tired of feeling guilty because you can't get pregnant and I can." The hurt and utter rage must have showed, because two minutes later she claimed she wasn't feeling well and left class.

How dare she? I have never tried to make her feel guilty for being pregnant. I have celebrated both pregnancies as best as I could. I've been totally honest and upfront with her about my own issues in dealing with this and how, while I am beyond happy for her, it's also killing me. And she has the audacity to say "Who cares?"??? I am so angry with her right now that if we didn't have class and lab together twice a week I wouldn't be speaking to her anymore. I'm stuck with her as a lab partner, but I can sure as hell sit somewhere else in class. Why does she not understand? She's been going through this with me for three years. How can she not get it? I haven't been this hurt in a very long time. This is soul-rending pain - I feel it to my very core. The one person, besides Aaron, that I thought understood...and she chose the very worst thing she could ever say. She belittled me so far, probably without ever even realizing it until it was too late, that she and I may not recover.

Every time I think I've come to grips with my infertility, and think that I am more or less accepting of the fact that I will never have children (if one can ever truly accept that), something like this happens. Every day, or once a week for a month, I get an email or see a post on a forum or blog that someone else I know is pregnant. Each and every single one of them is a slap in the face, a stab in the heart. "You've been trying 3 years, I'm not even trying. I can get pregnant and you can't" they all seem to say. Or "I am somehow more deserving than everyone else because I've been trying 6 years and you've been trying only 3". I know, I know - that isn't really what they're saying. They're celebrating, and one day I hope to make a post that similar. I realize the hypocrisy in that, I really do.

At the same time, I can't help but think "What right do I have to make anyone else feel even remotely guilty for being pregnant when I want that very same thing? What makes them so different from me? The fact that they haven't been trying as long? That's no excuse - that makes me no different from those who have been trying for longer. Everyone, EVERYONE, deserves the chance to have a child." I hate myself for the thoughts that follow - such thoughts as "I wish that I had one real life friend, someone I had physical contact with every day, who was infertile. Someone other than a faceless, voiceless group of other infertiles to share things with. Someone whose shoulder I could literally cry on when times like this come around." Not that all of you aren't a wonderful source of support - please don't think I mean that. It's just that the only people I have are my husband and my mother. The first understands, as best as he can, but can't fix it and it kills him. The second one tries very hard to understand me, but sometimes ends up hurting me when she's trying to help.

I now have to go to work and pretend I'm fine. I have to not cry when the pregnant people walk into my office, and I have to make my face stop being blotchy from all the tears I've cried this afternoon. I have to find a way back from the edge of the precipice I am on before I tumble headlong into a spiral that only my mother can save me from. I need my mommy, I need my friends. I need a hug.

8 comments:

Brenda said...

BIG FAT HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!

XXX

Adrienne said...

HUG!!!!!!!

If it's any consolation, YOU did not make her feel guilty. Only she can make herself feel guilty. Truly. I hope she gets over it and apologizes to you soon - because she should.

Max's said...

I hope the pain eases soon, Tigger. I'm sure it hurts even worse because
it's coming from a close, close friend. Make sure you get lots of hugs from your mom - that always works for me!

littleangelkisses said...

I'm sorry. She left because she felt guilty, YOU didn't make her feel that way. We can't MAKE each other feel anything.

Zee said...

I'm so sorry, Tigger. Not that it's any consolation, but I'm right here with you in that black pit of rage and despair. And what your friend said, well, that's just inexcusable. It's not your fault that you're having a hard time getting pregnant and feel bad about it. (Because, duh, who wouldn't?) If that makes her feel guilty, well then, that's her problem, right?

And, having a real-life friend who is dealing with IF isn't all it's cracked up to be, take it from me. I have two, both of whom are now pregnant. And in a weird way it's almost worse to deal with than the "easy breeders." But that's another story for another time...

Mr Blue Sky said...

Hey Tigger, There is no possible way I can even try to understand how you feel. All I can give you is my experience and that ain't much.
I ache when I read this this post as there are so many familiar feelings and so much of the same anger.
You can't help but feel the way you feel and sadly it is part of the process. It's a fcuking nightmare and whilst you may think it is easy for me to say with hindsight but honestly there are an awful lot of positives in life that will get you through. Maybe not today, maybe not for a while but beleive me there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it ain't always a freight train.
Our thoughts are with you, take care
Paulx

Cibele said...

Hi dear,
After 2 years trying and having all my friends getting PG and my SIL already going for # 3, I still can not get use to PG announcements. They seem to be coming in a faster rate now and each one hurts a lot and makes me feel a joke as a woman... I hate feeling this way but I can control. Just want to send you a big HUG!

Tigger said...

Thanks everyone - I feel a bit better just knowing I have other friends who can truly understand my pain and are there when I need them. I love y'all - your words mean a lot to me.