Thursday, February 15, 2007

Life is ironic

I've been doing a lot of thinking since receiving the call from my friend yesterday. A lot of thinking. Parts of this post may offend some, and I'm sorry about that, but I have to put this down somewhere because I think Aaron is tired of hearing it when there's nothing he can really do to fix it. This is also going to be very, very long.

It's ironic the curves that life throws us. Just about the time I decide that I don't care if we have a child anymore, my best friend gets pregnant and I find out that I do care. Or maybe I don't - it's a bit complicated. I don't really care if we have a child any time soon, but I do care that someone else so close to me is. It's not fair. TTC is never fair, I know. I sometimes feel like we've been in competition with them since day one. I'll tell you why:

Aaron, Fred* and Wilma* have been friends since high school. Aaron and I got together in January of 2003, they got together in March or so. We got engaged on June 13th of that year, they got engaged a week or so later. We decided to get married in May of 2004 and then moved it to September of 2003 - and they decided to get married the same day, by the same judge, 30 minutes earlier. They decided THAT DAY. In February 2004, we started TTC. We never made it a secret. In September, she showed up on my doorstep "There's something I have to tell you." Fast forward 2 years...now three since we've been TTC. They have a child, the child I want and they didn't want but got because they were messing around with BCP, and now will have their second while I'm still waiting. It's not fair.

I am, of course, in the middle of another dreaded session of why me's. Or maybe it's why NOT me's. Wilma is very overweight. She's taller than I am by about 4" and outweighs me by 50# at least. Her cycles are funky as all hell (see my prior post) and I'm not even sure she ovulates every month. I suspect mild endo, from things she's told me. They had sex once...you heard me, once this cycle. They're pregnant. I have almost perfect cycles - I don't vary by more than 3 days. I ovulate every month, my temps are perfect. I am overweight, but only by about 30 pounds, and I'm losing that slowly. We have sex 5-6 times a cycle - and it was more when I was REALLY trying - and always more closer to O time. Hell, we used to have sex every other day from CD10-CD15!!! We have no child. Not fair.

For 3 years I have wanted this more than anything else. For 3 years I've gone on the monthly rollercoaster that starts when AF shows, continues through all the BBT and OPK's and BDing, and ends when AF shows her ugly head to start the cycle all over again. For 3 years this has consumed my life, while people around me got pg by their DH's hanging their pants on the door. I've gone through test after test, Aaron has been tested, he's had to deal with my heartache and disappointment every month...and my friends get pg without even trying. How is this at all the way things are supposed to be?

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I am excited that Wilma is pregnant again, but I'm so shredded because it isn't me. I am the only person she really has (besides mom and MIL) to share her pregnancy with - I am not going to shut her out because she was lucky enough to get what I want. I want to hear every detail, and I want to close my ears for the next 34 weeks and 5 days. I'm blessed that she understands as much, and knows that I am going to harass her because it's the only way to keep my sanity. I know that she would give me this child if she could, and she knows I would not accept it if she did. This is her child, not mine. She is my best friend, and has offered to be a surrogate for me if we need one. I love her to death...but right now I also hate her. How is that fair to her either?

*not their real names, but it works for me!

While writing this, a song came back to me from my teen years. It's about lost love and pining, but the chorus fits TTC very well. It's by Bryan White and is called "Someone Else's Star".

I GUESS I MUST BE WISHIN ON
SOMEONE ELSES STAR
IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE ELSE KEEPS GETTIN
WHAT I'M WISHIN FOR
WHY CANT I BE AS LUCKY AS THOSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE
I GUESS I MUST BE WISHIN
ON SOMEONE ELSES STAR

8 comments:

Adrienne said...

Oh, sweetie, my heart hurts for you. Life is not fair, and that's not fair either! I can't think of anything to say that doesn't sound inadequate and stupid, so let me say this: You are a great friend. And that's a wonderful thing to be.

Zee said...

Gosh, Tigger. I hear you. I think we all do that analysis: "She" (fill in the name) does x, y, or z when I DON'T, or "She" doesn't do z, y, when I DO - and yet "She"'s cranking out the cubs with no problem and I'm working my ass off for nothing. How can THAT be fair?

And it's ESPECIALLY hard when "She" is a good friend.

I admire you for being able to stay close to Wilma in spite of your frustration. I find myself avoiding all my pregnant friends, because I just can't imagine being normal around them when I feel so jealous (and then I feel so bad about feeling so jealous!)

UGH! It's so hard. I wish I could say something wise that would make it all make sense. But I can't. So I'll just sympathize and agree with adrienne above: You're a great friend. (And I sure hope Wilma realizes it!)

Adrienne said...

Thanks so much for your note on my blog. He's feeling much better today (although the fever's back up, but not as high, thank goodness). Here's to a better tomorrow for both of us!

Tigger said...

Thanks girls - I appreciate the support. I'm feeling a little better today, but still pretty sad. We went to the store, and there was a Baby Einstein CD, and I suddenly felt very depressed.

Maybe it's the time of year...

Reproductive Jeans said...

I am sorry to hear your frustrations...we felt the same down feelings this past weekend. Life isnt fair...but we have to take it by the horns and plow forward! Hope you have a better week. Thanks for the support on our side too--we'll get through it!

Geohde said...

I'm here via the blog round-up. Nice post :)

Yes, it sucks to be 'lapped' by the fertile. A lot.

Kami said...

Passing by from the round up as well. It is just all so hard some days.

Lori said...

Roundup referral, too.

Wow, you captured what I would have written had I been brave enough and clear enough.

Well done.