Insensitive Infertiles?

This post over at Stirrup Queens about "Secondary Fertility" got me thinking about a lot of things in my life. As I was pondering those who struggle with infertility the first time around and get so lucky the second time around...the mail arrived. In the mail this morning was a birth announcement from a girl I have known through the WebMD boards for many years. I knew she'd had her baby - I get an Email every time she updates her page so I know to go check it if I can handle it. This morning, though...I began to wonder.

Those of us who live in the Land of IF have a (usually) unspoken set of rules that we live by. Things we do and do not say to those who don't live here, and even to others that do. The way we behave towards those lucky enough to escape, and those who seem doomed to live here forever. Some, like me, just hang around trying to help...even though we don't really live here anymore, because we can't seem to find the door to leave. I began to wonder...do those codes apply once you do leave? Do you suddenly forget that others are still sensitive? Do you have a magical form of amnesia that allows you to blank all the heartbreak that you experienced at the hands of others? If so, can I get some of that?! :)

I am not terribly upset at the birth announcement. A few months ago it would have had me in tears, but I'm alright. I think I've come to terms with not having children - or at least am in serious denial and justification mode. But how many other girls that we know received this in the past week? How many of them just got their 80th BFN or got news that their tubes are blocked or their totsicles didn't survive the thaw?

At what point do infertiles have to learn to "suck it up" and not let it bother them anymore? Why do we think we have the right to be so very sensitive about our reproductive state? Why do we all react so differently to it? (Some hide the problems, some wear it as a badge, some talk to complete strangers about it all the time...like me!) Why do we expect the rest of the world to tip-toe around us because we've been told we can't have what they can? If that were the case, we would not eat chocolate in front of diabetics because the diabetic would have the right to cry at us for pushing it in their face. There are so many fine lines and double-standards to everything. It makes me wonder how we all survive, how our families stay in tact, how we keep our friends. I'm afraid I don't have any answers to any of my questions, but they're just food for thought.

Hello to everyone still reading me. I promise I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. It's "Dead Week" this week, finals are next week, the boss is on vacation for a week after that. Then it's SUMMER BREAK. No classes for 3 whole months. There's a lot going on in my life - I'm just not sure how much of it I'm comfortable sharing here. I don't want to run anyone away, and I sure as hell don't want to be judged for my choices in life...good or bad. I'm hoping to get back to writing this summer, but there isn't a lot that seems like it would be interesting to all of you. :) Thanks for stopping by - have a GREAT week!

Snickollet...

I was directed to Snickollet's blog from Adrienne over at Max's Mommy. There was a beautiful memorial candle on her page and I wanted to know why. I went to Snick's site...and read her news. I then proceeded to read all of her posts on the story of her and GH and all they've been through as they've fought his cancer. By the end I was weeping for them. The Stirrup Queens directed me over to Emmie's blog, where she had made a candle for us to post. Thanks Emmie!

So, in memorium of GH and his battle, I am posting this. Maybe it can make someone's day a little brighter.

Free Treatment?

So I think I mentioned that MIL got her disability and is absolutely stoked. I think I may have also mentioned that they are going to be moving out in a year. If I didn't, I just did. :) We may actually be selling the house THIS summer if we can get all the fixing up done in time - we'll see what happens.

At any rate, we were talking with MIL last night about moving, and the stuff she's bought lately, and how happy she is that she's got her own checking/savings accounts again and stuff. Out of what was, to me, the blue she says "I've been thinking. If this isn't too out of line for me to do this, I'd like to set some money aside in a separate fund for you two to try another treatment."

Slam to the gut #1.

My dear and loving husband says "Jen? This is your decision to make."

Thanks hunny...appreciate you buffering me there. You know how I feel about treatments these days.

I was facing the computer, MIL in the doorway behind and to my right, Aaron in the rocking chair behind and to my left. I tipped my head back and said (as calmly as I could) "I really appreciate that. I don't think we're going to be doing anymore treatments in the near future. I want to graduate school first, which is another 3 years from now, and I'm not even sure I want to DO any treatments. One was enough. Besides which, next time they want me to do stims along with the clomid. I don't want to do stims. I'm not a fan of needles, I've seen the bruising that it leads to. I don't like the idea of all those drugs in my system. If you thought I was bad on the clomid...stims just makes it worse. It's also a lot to pin on a cycle. A lot of heartbreak that I'm not sure I can do anymore. This journey of ours has really taken a toll on me - I'm much more bitter and jaded than I might otherwise be. I don't even recognize myself anymore. So...thank you for the offer, but it probably won't be used."

My once again dear, loving, supportive husband says "Well, Jen, you know they won't MAKE you do stims if you don't want to." SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU AREN'T HELPING! My MIL responds with "You would have changed anyways - that's what life does. If the result at the end is your own biological child, isn't it worth it?"

Ouch. Slam to the gut #2.

To which I again tried to calmly respond "No. If I lose myself in the process, it's not worth it. I want a child, yes, but if I resent that child because of everything I went through in order to have it...it's not worth it." (someone sorta made that point in a comment...thank you)

MIL then said "Well, I think you'll make great parents. And you can't blame me for wanting a grandbaby."

SCORE! Three slams. Thanks, MIL, for making me feel like I'm your only hope. Even though you have a daughter who can give you babies. Even though we could adopt. Even though you have two step-grandsons and 3 step-granddaughters.

I hashed it out with Aaron. He understands that I don't think I can do this. The gesture is nice, but it isn't about the money...something too many don't seem to understand. Wilma is beginning to get it, after our long talk. MIL just...doesn't. No matter how many times I try to explain that it isn't the money - I could put it on a card if it were THAT important still. It isn't the fear that I won't be a good parent - I've raised several happy kitties as humans, thank you very much. It's the heartache and the stress and the drugs. I never thought I'd have to go through treatments - none of us ever do, I suppose. I have always been adamant about IVF, though. IUI isn't so severe, and so I was okay with it. I made myself be ok with the clomid. I don't think I can make myself be ok with the stims.

Part of me thinks I'm crazy for not jumping on this train. Some of you will probably think I'm crazy too. It's not every day that someone offers to pay for a treatment. I think all of us would love to have a free treatment, just once. Problem is...I don't want it.

Hello? Hello?? *TAP**TAP*

It appears that some of you are still checking in on me. I apologize for it being almost a whole freaking month since I last blogged. Life has been slow, and yet very very busy. I haven't had a whole lot going on besides school and work, and nothing special going on in either place...all of which means I don't have a lot to say. But tonight...well, tonight God decided to let me know He still has a sense of humor and I'm still the butt of his jokes. So I decided to swing by and update anyone who is still lurking around for me.

Last weekend, Aaron and I went away for the whole weekend. It was the end of spring break and we just needed some time away from everyone and every thing. We went to McCall, Idaho and stayed at The Whitetail Club. It's a 5 star place - full resort. We've never been to a place that nice and I'd love to go back over the summer. It was really relaxing! On the way there, we passed a white horse. So what? you ask. Well, my grandmother taught me a ritual that you do any time you pass a white horse. It goes "Spit, Spot, white horse. Money before the week is out!" and is accompanied by some hand movements. I, out of habit, did this when we passed it. It's always worked for dad and Nan, some day it's bound to work for me...right? Today it did. I received a check in the mail from our home mortgage company because we apparently overpaid our escrow. The amount? $11 shy of what we spent on our trip. :) Way cool!

Two days ago my sister in law approached me with a "special request". She's gotten into some financial trouble thanks to a roommie who lied to the landlords and needs to move back home for a bit to get on her feet again. I talked to Aaron about it and he said it was ok. She's going to be paying us rent again, and I don't have to give up my coveted office space. She's going to be sleeping in the 3rd bedroom, on the spare bed we have in there. With the cats. And the cat box. I feel so evil for feeling such glee at this. She's developed an allergy to the cats since she went to college and my monster kitty absolutely LOVES my SIL. :) I know he'll be sleeping on her face, keeping her awake with his incessant purring. Today she asked to borrow $200 - and she'll pay us back as she pays us rent. Being the supportive people we are, and me remembering what it was like trying to get up on my own feet not so long ago, we agreed. I hope this doesn't bite me in the ass.

Today, two very important things happened. These are the things that made me remember that God (or karma, take your pick) hasn't forgotten me. The first is that my MIL got her lump sum payment for her disability. She's been trying to get on disability for 3 years...she finally got approved (bench decision) last month. She hasn't even gotten her first monthly check yet, but got the lump sum. This means she and my FIL can get all caught up on their debt, get all of it paid off, pay their other bills on time. And move out. You heard me. My MIL informed me tonight that over dinner, she and FIL discussed moving out in a year. They want to give us time to get caught up on our bills *snicker* *snort* and figure out what we're going to do. Do? Sell the damn place, of course. We can do nothing less, because we can't afford the payments without them here. PANIC MODE ALERT! There is a TON of work that we need to do. Replace all the flooring in every room and paint all the walls with KILZ and new paint. It's going to cost us a little over $2k because we're willing to pay someone to lay the flooring for us. With me in school full time, working part time, and Aaron working full time...we don't have time for this. It's worth it to pay for my sanity. It looks like we're going to be getting started on this very soon, so we can do it little by little. It all has to go on a credit card.

The second thing is that Aaron's oldest nephew called tonight. He's getting married in July - we've known this since last year. He's 19 years old, his fiancee is about the same age I think. Tonight he called to tell us...she's pregnant. I am not sure what to do with this. I swear by all that is holy that once again, just as I get used to the idea that we're better off without kids and I'm going to survive and I'm ok with my friends being pregnant...that someone else comes along to shoot me. How stupid can people be? Kids KNOW that if you don't use protection you run the risk of getting pregnant. Did he think that just because Uncle Aaron's boys don't work, his wouldn't either? Aaron is the only male in his family with this issue - he's also the only one with spherocytosis. Besides his uncle John and we can't prove anything there because he also had the measles, which make you sterile. I'm not happy for our nephew or his fiancee. I think it was stupid of them, and I'm rather upset with karma at the moment. I ARE NOT AMUSED!

I keep hoping we'll win some major money somewhere so I can adopt a child or something. I've given up on getting pregnant - it's just not going to happen and I am not willing to go through IVF. Never have been, from the very start. Kudos to those who do/are, it's just not for us. Outsiders don't get this, and I've given up explaining it to them. Wilma's SIL has gotten them to join her business, selling telecommunications. The SIL knows our issues - hell, everyone knows by this point. We went over to Wilma's house last night and were talking about the business. The SIL says "There is this couple I met, they live here. They tried and tried to get pregnant and couldn't...same boat you were in. They started working this business and making money. She was able to write a check for $22K and go through IVF and now her son will be a year old. When I heard this story I immediately thought of you. You could do this business, have the treatments and not have any debt." I swear...I almost slapped her. Aaron just looked at me and I looked at him, and I knew he understood. That's all it took to rescue her from me.

They don't get it. They'll never understand. I can say "I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I don't want to have a child so much that it ruins me. I don't recognize myself anymore and it makes me sad. I want to be ME again." And they still don't get it - they think I'm hiding behind a wall, deflecting the pain. I'm not. I'm serious. I simply can't do this to myself or to Aaron anymore. It's not fair. What right does IF have to take away our selves?

Enough rambling for tonight. I hate long posts because I get bored by the end, and I hate writing them for the same reason. I guess that's what I get for not posting for a month. I forgot that this a good place to just think. If you're still here, still reading...thanks! And go check out my friends' blogs. Some need cheers, some need support, some will make you giggle - but go see them!

Sorry y'all...

It's been a while since I updated. Thanks to those who checked in on me - I appreciate it.

There's a lot going on these days, most of it not so good. I am now on Prednisol for my back - it started a major flare and even through the painkiller/muscle relaxer haze I could feel the pain. One day of that and I went back to the doc. He has me on a Prednisol treatment for 2 weeks, see if that can get calmed down. Other than that there isn't much they can do for me. According to them, it isn't impinging on any nerves so they don't advise surgery. Gee...because who'd want to be without pain?! The downside to the Prednisol is that it makes you gain weight. So all that water weight I lost? I gained it back. I'm up to 200 exactly again. But it's ok...I'm still under 215, which is where I started!

I took a biology exam today - and totally failed it. I got 54 out of 100 points. I don't know what happened - I studied for 3 hours this morning. I KNOW that stuff. I could talk about it all day long. I'm absolutely fascinated by genes and genetics and was seriously contemplating a degree as a genetics counselor. I got in there to test...and I went blank. Just...it was as if I'd never seen any of it before. I am so upset right now, I don't know what to do.

Saturday was a blast. I went out with my friend Michelle and her boyfriend to a Roadster show. About the time I was done with that, Sabrina messaged me to tell me her itinerary for the night so Aaron and I could go join up with her and bunch of her friends for a girls' night out. Yes, I know Aaron isn't a girl but the exception was allowed. He's really good with women - he was raised by them! He's also really good at putting people at ease and blending in. Sabrina allowed it so I would come out with her - I have issues in group social settings where I don't know anyone, and I couldn't reasonably expect Sabrina to babysit me all night. I'm really glad we went out though - I haven't had that much fun in a long time. We stayed out drinking and dancing until 2am!

It reminds me of This is NOT what I ordered!: My New Definition of Fun from Zee. For once I went out drinking with friends and didn't think about where I was in my cycle, or if I should drink, or school, or the homework I should be doing, or the pain I would be in the next day. I just...had fun. And I was in pain on Sunday - I woke up thinking "OMG I HAVE KNEES!" but I didn't have a hangover. Today I'm much better, and tomorrow will be even better than today. Sabrina has also invited us to come out this next weekend to celebrate one of the other girls' birthdays...she likes us going out with her. I won't abandon her for some strange man, like some of the girls did, or wander the bar in search of a man, or just leave her hanging. I brough my man with me...so I didn't need to go home. :) Aaron and Sabrina danced together quite a bit, which I'm not sure what I think of that yet. It was at my prompting...and I'm having to face my past over this...but I tihnk I'll be ok. It's time to face some of my fears and hope they are unfounded. Aaron is good enough to keep me updated on everything, so for now all is well.

Other than school, work, and the fact that I'm finally making some new female friends, there isn't a whole lot going on in my world. Sorry I haven't updated recently - I haven't had anything to day. I'm just passing time until school is out and I can relax for the summer! I hope all of you are doing well - I'm going out to enjoy the sunshine!

I'm the smallest I've been

in 4 years! :) WOO!

Last Monday I started taking Metformin again. I know, I know...I should have been taking it for the past two years, but I keep forgetting. Once I get off track it takes me a few months to get back on again. So I started it up, figuring all the walking I'm doing isn't doing to do me a damn bit of good if I don't take it.Thursday I started taking the Cymbalta. One of the s/e's is "weight decrease".

Apparently it works.

I weighed myself last Tuesday (the 20th) so I could see if the Met was working. The last time I started on it I lost 9 pounds in 10 days. While I was at Mom's I noticed that the jeans I was wearing were really loose - I could pull them down and back up without unbuttoning them. Dad had to punch a new hole in my belt to keep them on! When I got home on Sunday I weighed myself for shits and giggles. 190!!!! I weigh in at 190! (and I can't believe I just admitted that on the net...) I weighed about this much (or little, depending on your point of view) when Aaron and I got together 4 years ago! WAHOO!

I know that most of it is water weight - the body doesn't have the capability of losing that much muscle/fat in that short of a time period. I don't really give a flying rat's ass how I lose it - I'm just glad I did. I'm eating breakfast again - Mom had me try the South Beach Diet breakfast bars. They're really good - I normally hate these type of things, but the Cinnamon Raisin ones are YUMMY!

My plan is to wait until I plateau and then up my Met dosage. I want to try being on 1000mg again, see if I can handle it. The docs really want me on 2000, but I really can't do that. I get way too nauseated, and fire butt doesn't even begin to cover what happens. And it doesn't go away like it should either. So I'll temporize and try 1000 for a while. This Thursday I have to up the Cymbalta dosage to 60, so I don't want to up the Met just yet. One at a time or I'm going to have my body seriously freaked out. Mom says that if I lose that much weight again this week then I have to go see the doc. Aaron and Wilma agree.

At any rate - woo me! And if you're reading me, head over to Wendy's blog and cheer her on too!

How much do I want this?

Wilma and I spoke today for a little while, about what happened the other day and how we both feel. As it turns out, she didn't even realize what she'd said until I snapped at her in my own anger. She thought about it, figured it out, and left before she made things worse. So we spoke about why she was so angry, whether at me or at herself.

She doesn't want to be pregnant. Not because she doesn't want another child, but because I'm not pregnant. She wants us to be fat and happy and pregnant on the couch together, convincing our husbands to do all manner of things for us while we watch Gilmore Girls together. It's what she wanted for the first one too, but I couldn't make it happen. She knows it's not my fault, and she wants more than anything for me to be the one to say "Wilma, I'm pregnant". Once again she's offered to be a surrogate for me if I ever need one - she demands to be on the top of my list. Considering she's the only one... :)

Wilma is also very frustrated with me. She sees that when I want something, I rearrange the budget and I get it. We wanted to buy the house - or rather, we didn't want Aaron's parents to lose it, so we bought it. It wasn't the best idea ever, but we can handle it. We also just bought a car - not planned, exactly, but we can handle that too. Both of those mean that I don't get to pay off debt nearly as fast as I could have without those extra payments. She doesn't understand why I don't just rearrange the budget again and "buy" a baby. What she does see is that I tried one IUI and gave up. How could she know the heartbreak I went through doing that?

I tried to explain - I can take out a loan for a house, buy a house, and have a house. I can take out a loan for a car, buy a car, have a car. I take out a loan for IVF, go through all the drugs and mood swings, all the hope and stress...and have nothing. I do it again...and nothing. I simply can't justify spending $75,000 on 6 IVF's with nothing to show for it. I don't see wanting to make myself spend 30 years paying off those loans with monthly payments - the heartbreak of writing that check every month, knowing that I'm paying for the babies I was never able to have. Sure, maybe the first one will work. Maybe it won't. I didn't find out until after my IUI that it only had a 13% chance of working. Had I known that upfront, I might have decided not to do it. I thought I had a 50% chance, or even a normal 20% chance. 13% wasn't enough to pin my hopes on.

Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I live my life like all those other oblivious people out there who don't know jack shit about their cycles? Those who have unprotected sex in the backseat of their car and get pregnant without thinking about it. Those who never stop to think where they are in their cycle when they want to have a drink. Who don't plan for the family they may or may not ever have when buying a house or a car, who can walk through the baby section at Wal-Mart without wondering if they'll ever have the chance to buy all the cute things for their own children. I know they exist - I meet them every day. They Email me after two years to tell me these things. But this is all another post for another day - perhaps after I get used to my new anti-depressants and am not so emotional.

I have not the words

to describe, fully, how I feel right now. Lets start with anger, resentment, deapair, depression, utter failure, completely overwhelmed, rage. Lots of rage. I can easily sense the blackest, deepest pit of despair I have ever encountered, and I'm teetering on the brink. I don't know how to handle any of this anymore.

Why all of this, you ask? Well, I told you late last week about Wilma, right? On Friday I received an Email from a girl I was/am friends with from JSO. She's been TTC about a year...and found out Thursday that she's pregnant. Joy for her, sorrow for me. I told Aaron that there would be another one - there always is. I figured it would be on Sunday. Nope - life can't be that predictable. It was today. This time it was a girl I haven't spoken to in about 2 years, since she got pregnant with her first. She emailed me to tell me there would be another addition to the family - and I swear this is her third, but I've lost track.

I found this out while waiting for Biology class to start. I looked at Wilma and said in a very calm and somewhat lighthearted tone of voice "See? I told you there would be another one! That makes three in the last week!" To which the pregnant little bitch replied "So what? Who cares if we're all getting pregnant and you aren't?" I, more than a little shocked at this, said "Maybe I should go sit elsewhere." She replied "I feel sorry for you, I really do. But I'm tired of feeling guilty because you can't get pregnant and I can." The hurt and utter rage must have showed, because two minutes later she claimed she wasn't feeling well and left class.

How dare she? I have never tried to make her feel guilty for being pregnant. I have celebrated both pregnancies as best as I could. I've been totally honest and upfront with her about my own issues in dealing with this and how, while I am beyond happy for her, it's also killing me. And she has the audacity to say "Who cares?"??? I am so angry with her right now that if we didn't have class and lab together twice a week I wouldn't be speaking to her anymore. I'm stuck with her as a lab partner, but I can sure as hell sit somewhere else in class. Why does she not understand? She's been going through this with me for three years. How can she not get it? I haven't been this hurt in a very long time. This is soul-rending pain - I feel it to my very core. The one person, besides Aaron, that I thought understood...and she chose the very worst thing she could ever say. She belittled me so far, probably without ever even realizing it until it was too late, that she and I may not recover.

Every time I think I've come to grips with my infertility, and think that I am more or less accepting of the fact that I will never have children (if one can ever truly accept that), something like this happens. Every day, or once a week for a month, I get an email or see a post on a forum or blog that someone else I know is pregnant. Each and every single one of them is a slap in the face, a stab in the heart. "You've been trying 3 years, I'm not even trying. I can get pregnant and you can't" they all seem to say. Or "I am somehow more deserving than everyone else because I've been trying 6 years and you've been trying only 3". I know, I know - that isn't really what they're saying. They're celebrating, and one day I hope to make a post that similar. I realize the hypocrisy in that, I really do.

At the same time, I can't help but think "What right do I have to make anyone else feel even remotely guilty for being pregnant when I want that very same thing? What makes them so different from me? The fact that they haven't been trying as long? That's no excuse - that makes me no different from those who have been trying for longer. Everyone, EVERYONE, deserves the chance to have a child." I hate myself for the thoughts that follow - such thoughts as "I wish that I had one real life friend, someone I had physical contact with every day, who was infertile. Someone other than a faceless, voiceless group of other infertiles to share things with. Someone whose shoulder I could literally cry on when times like this come around." Not that all of you aren't a wonderful source of support - please don't think I mean that. It's just that the only people I have are my husband and my mother. The first understands, as best as he can, but can't fix it and it kills him. The second one tries very hard to understand me, but sometimes ends up hurting me when she's trying to help.

I now have to go to work and pretend I'm fine. I have to not cry when the pregnant people walk into my office, and I have to make my face stop being blotchy from all the tears I've cried this afternoon. I have to find a way back from the edge of the precipice I am on before I tumble headlong into a spiral that only my mother can save me from. I need my mommy, I need my friends. I need a hug.

Life is ironic

I've been doing a lot of thinking since receiving the call from my friend yesterday. A lot of thinking. Parts of this post may offend some, and I'm sorry about that, but I have to put this down somewhere because I think Aaron is tired of hearing it when there's nothing he can really do to fix it. This is also going to be very, very long.

It's ironic the curves that life throws us. Just about the time I decide that I don't care if we have a child anymore, my best friend gets pregnant and I find out that I do care. Or maybe I don't - it's a bit complicated. I don't really care if we have a child any time soon, but I do care that someone else so close to me is. It's not fair. TTC is never fair, I know. I sometimes feel like we've been in competition with them since day one. I'll tell you why:

Aaron, Fred* and Wilma* have been friends since high school. Aaron and I got together in January of 2003, they got together in March or so. We got engaged on June 13th of that year, they got engaged a week or so later. We decided to get married in May of 2004 and then moved it to September of 2003 - and they decided to get married the same day, by the same judge, 30 minutes earlier. They decided THAT DAY. In February 2004, we started TTC. We never made it a secret. In September, she showed up on my doorstep "There's something I have to tell you." Fast forward 2 years...now three since we've been TTC. They have a child, the child I want and they didn't want but got because they were messing around with BCP, and now will have their second while I'm still waiting. It's not fair.

I am, of course, in the middle of another dreaded session of why me's. Or maybe it's why NOT me's. Wilma is very overweight. She's taller than I am by about 4" and outweighs me by 50# at least. Her cycles are funky as all hell (see my prior post) and I'm not even sure she ovulates every month. I suspect mild endo, from things she's told me. They had sex once...you heard me, once this cycle. They're pregnant. I have almost perfect cycles - I don't vary by more than 3 days. I ovulate every month, my temps are perfect. I am overweight, but only by about 30 pounds, and I'm losing that slowly. We have sex 5-6 times a cycle - and it was more when I was REALLY trying - and always more closer to O time. Hell, we used to have sex every other day from CD10-CD15!!! We have no child. Not fair.

For 3 years I have wanted this more than anything else. For 3 years I've gone on the monthly rollercoaster that starts when AF shows, continues through all the BBT and OPK's and BDing, and ends when AF shows her ugly head to start the cycle all over again. For 3 years this has consumed my life, while people around me got pg by their DH's hanging their pants on the door. I've gone through test after test, Aaron has been tested, he's had to deal with my heartache and disappointment every month...and my friends get pg without even trying. How is this at all the way things are supposed to be?

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I am excited that Wilma is pregnant again, but I'm so shredded because it isn't me. I am the only person she really has (besides mom and MIL) to share her pregnancy with - I am not going to shut her out because she was lucky enough to get what I want. I want to hear every detail, and I want to close my ears for the next 34 weeks and 5 days. I'm blessed that she understands as much, and knows that I am going to harass her because it's the only way to keep my sanity. I know that she would give me this child if she could, and she knows I would not accept it if she did. This is her child, not mine. She is my best friend, and has offered to be a surrogate for me if we need one. I love her to death...but right now I also hate her. How is that fair to her either?

*not their real names, but it works for me!

While writing this, a song came back to me from my teen years. It's about lost love and pining, but the chorus fits TTC very well. It's by Bryan White and is called "Someone Else's Star".

I GUESS I MUST BE WISHIN ON
SOMEONE ELSES STAR
IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE ELSE KEEPS GETTIN
WHAT I'M WISHIN FOR
WHY CANT I BE AS LUCKY AS THOSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE
I GUESS I MUST BE WISHIN
ON SOMEONE ELSES STAR

I found my fertile genes...

My best friend has apparently been holding them for me.

About 20 minutes ago, my phone rang and it was Wilma. I answered "Happy winged baby bearing projectiles day!" and she was semi-startled...and began to laugh. She said "Funny you should say that..." and I knew. Just like I knew 2 1/2 years ago when she showed up at my house looking apprehensive and said "I have something I have to tell you". I answered "You're pregnant." She seemed a bit surprised then that I knew, since they'd just found out an hour before and she'd been trying to figure out how to tell me. This time I was the second person to know, her DH being the first one. Then again, he's known for two weeks! She only took a test to prove him wrong...much like the last time, if I recall correctly. :)

I laughed my ass off this time. Last time I was depressed, and if she'd gotten pregnant two or three months ago I'd have been depressed too. This time...I don't know. I don't really care anymore, I guess. I'm happy for her - they wanted to be pregnant this time, but haven't been "trying". No charting, no opk's...and very little sex. They're one of those couples you hate - they had sex once this month and it just happened to be in the middle of her cycle. Only she didn't know it at the time, because her cycles are very irregular (35 days followed by 28 followed by 40). I had just started charting her cycles FOR her, to see if I could find a pattern. This is what I get!

So let's go over this again: I start reading an IF blog, they get pg. I start charting a friends cycle, she gets pg. ATTENTION IFers! SEND ME YOUR BLOGS AND CYCLE INFORMATION! I WILL READ/CHART YOU AND YOU SHOULD GET PG! :) At least, that seems to be my luck lately. Mom says it will catch me when I'm unawares - I think I have karma so confused she's just given up on me entirely.

Happy Valentine's Day to me!

The Professor

I'm finally getting around to updating all of you on this - sorry it's taken so long. Classes are hard this semester!!

She was pretty useless. She told me that I needed to start off doing more research on cytoskeletons and how they work, and then see if someone is currently doing research on that particular link between IF and spherocytosis. I can guarantee that someone isn't doing it - neither one are particularly "important" in the larger scheme of things that need cures. Not that I don't think IF is important, but those who pay for research would rather pay for things like cancer and AIDS cures. So I really didn't look into it much farther...it would just be really frustrating to me.

My best friend Nomi has since told me I should go into biology as a major, and I think she was serious. I've come up with a few other "light bulbs" about IF while in class or lab and she's tired of hearing my hypothesis without having a way to get them tested. Hell, all I need is a lab and someone who knows what they are looking at... :)

Oh well. I'm not going into biology - I hate science. I only understand what the professor is talking about if I can somehow relate it in my brain to IF, and that's not always possible. Most of the time I just don't get it, and I'm sure tomorrow's test will prove just that.

I think I'm insane

As a matter of fact, I'm absolutely sure of it. Why, you might ask? Because.

BECAUSE WE JUST BOUGHT A NEW CAR!!!

A 2007 Ford Focus, to be exact, with 9 miles on it (that's after the test drive). It's wine colored (dark toreador red, according to the papers) with tan interior. Absolutely gorgeous, and it's only going to cost us $250 a month. We're going to be using a bit of our tax return to help us make those payments, but we'll be alright. I'm just in shock, panic, you-name-it mode. I do this after big purchases. I damn near freaked out when we bought the house - what's a car compared to that?!

We got the "anything that goes wrong with the car for the next 7 years is covered" warranty, and the "free oil changes for the life of the car as long as you bring it in every 3 months" plan added on. We thought those to be a good deal - it means my car will be nicer longer, and should stay in shape. Considering I really don't drive much, we should be good!

I'm excited. I love my new car. I told Aaron it was "whiney - just like me" because of the color...which makes it a perfect fit. He may never get to drive it - neither of us are under the impression that it's anything other than MY car. :) And to think...this started as a joke. Aaron said "You know hunny, the Escort is going down hill. Maybe we should use part of the tax return as a down payment on a car." I immediately said no, but then thought about it and it made sense. So I crunched a bunch of numbers, we went shopping. I did not plan on buying a car - I was certain we couldn't afford the payments. But we did, and we can, and I'm seriously freaking out. :) W00T!

FINALLY

Af arrived this morning. I figured she would, as I woke up around 5:30 this morning with a different kind of cramp than I've had all week. These were the kind of cramps that I get when AF is actually HERE...the sharp, stabbing, someone-trying-to-get-out cramps that we all know and love so much. This is going to be a bitch of a cycle, I can already tell. At least she's here though - no more jerking me around.

I will update on my professor's response to my biology post later. Right now I'm running late for school, but I had to update all you wonderful people! *MUAH*

The agony and the irony

My life is one big pot of irony right now.

MAJOR TMI AHEAD! IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, STOP READING!!!

Based on an "earliest date" cycle, AF should have been here Monday. Crampy arrived, which sometimes happens the day before AF shows. I expected her to be here on Tuesday. While in Math class Tuesday, I swear I felt her arrive. Between Math and Spanish Lab, I ran to the bathroom and...nada. Not a spot, not a hint. I stuck on a pad anyhow, knowing that she would be there sometime that day. Several times I swear I could feel the blood...but when I checked, nothing. Last night I could smell it - you know how that happens from time to time - but nothing. Today? Still crampy. Still the royal bitch from hell. I haven't been THIS moody/pms-y in a long time. My uterus currently feels like it's own entity in there. But AF is not here, and I'm getting more and more angry with every passing cramp.

Does anyone else see this irony? We've been TTC for 3 years in February. I decided after last semester that I probably can't handle school and a pregnancy and that we were going to wait until I graduated to do any more treatments. For 3 years, AF has arrived within a few days of schedule, and never more than a day after Crampy the cat. Crampy's been around for 3 days now, and I'm ready for him to go away. For 3 years I've hated every cycle that's started over, because it meant another failure. This month, I took pains to avoid my O time so I wouldn't get pregnant...and now, now she's screwing with me. I have 3 tricks to make her show up, but can only do two of them because I don't own any white pants. I'm going to have to test...which is guaranteed to make her show up within the hour...or I'm going to have to break down and FD with Aaron tonight. That usually makes her arrive the next morning. I might FD and if she doesn't show, I'll test in the AM.

I realize that AF isn't officially "late" until next week. A stressful cycle, which this has been between school and mom, is usually about 28 days. It's the symptoms of AF that are killing me! I don't want them if I'm not going to get her too...that's not even remotely fair! The last irony is me complaining because she hasn't shown up when I'm usually bitching because she has - it just strikes me as several levels of wrong.

I'm sorry that I haven't been very good about posting. I don't have a lot to say other than "ACK! SCHOOL!" and that gets old fast. Thanks for still checking on me!

Biological IF hypothesis

This may not make sense to most of you, but I am totally stoked. Scan for the important details. If you're a biology person...what do you think?

Backstory: DH has spherocytosis. The lining of his red blood cells is too thin, so instead of being round it's spherical. He has had his spleen removed so it doesn't kill him. His mother, aunts, uncle, and sister all have it too. He also has morphology/motility issues.

I was in biology class today and we were discussing eukaryotic cells. Eukaryotic cells have a cytoskeleton that gives them shape and is also what causes them to be motile. (Anyone see where I'm going with this yet?!) Red blood cells, when they are created, are eukaryotic (although later they aren't). So the DO have a cytoskeleton. Sperm are also eukaryotic and have a cytoskeleton.

Dh's red blood cells are a funny shape. So is his sperm. He also only has about 51% motility. I am beginning to think that he has a cytoskeleton issue...causing both the blood disorder AND the infertility. His one uncle has spherocytosis and can't have kids. They've always assumed it's because he had the mumps as a kid. Maybe it's not!!! MAYBE THE TWO ARE LINKED!

There is no cure for spherocytosis. It's really rare. There is no cure for funky morphology either. I'm wondering...do the two share a chromosome or a protein? Could there be a cure for both, something no one has put together? I'm going to talk to my professor on Tuesday. Meanwhile...omg I'm thrilled at the idea. Even if there isn't a "fix", maybe there's a reason!!!

I've been lapped...

again.

Now, a disclaimer before I post: I am happy for my IF sister who has lapped me. Don't get me wrong. If your'e reading this, hun (and you know who you are), please believe that I am SO happy for you. I thank you for sending out a small Email before posting for the whole board. But you also know, having done this for many years, how hard it can be for those of us on the outside still. And thus begins my post.

As most of you know by now, Aaron and I have been TTC almost 3 years. It will be 3 years sometime next month - I don't know when I stopped taking my pills, because I didn't bother to count. I didn't think it would take THIS long. About 6 months into starting, I had a chemical pregnancy. At the time I didn't know what that was, and went in search of answers. I stumbled across the WebMD JSO board, where I made my home for a year after that. At the end of that year, I moved over to the 6+ board, and eventually on to ITSG/CFC board.

While I was on the JSO board I met a wonderful group of women. They eventually moved off the boards and onto yahoo, but have still kept in touch with each other. A new group of girls moved in, and I became friends with them. We all moved over to 6+ about the same time, and some of us ended up on the ITSG/CFC board and have remained a source of support for each other all this time.

I have now been lapped by two of my sisters. They have each announced a second pregnancy while I am still waiting for my first. I don't begrudge them their trials in getting pregnant both times - Lord only knows if I would be able to go through what they've gone through once, let alone twice. They deserve this. But...it's hard to be completely happy. I want to rage "Why?! Why not some of the rest of us who are still waiting for our first?! Why do others get to have more than one while some of us would be totally ecstatic to have just one?" Isn't there a queue somewhere, with God handing out babies to those in line? Are these other people just line cutters...or are the rest of us just not paying attention and missing our turn?

Sometimes I feel like I no longer have the right to bitch when others announce their pregnancies and I'm still waiting. It's not like I'm doing treatments anymore, and we know that without help we only have a 1% chance each month. I'm not using opk's, or temping, or eating the magical juju fruit. I'm trying very hard not to time sex anymore either - it's taking too much of a toll. I want my life back, but I want to be pregnant too. On the other hand, it would probably be for the best if I didn't get pregnant right now, since I'm trying to go to school. Doesn't mean I don't want it, doesn't mean I won't be thrilled as all hell if we somehow manage it. But if I'm not trying, really trying, anymore...what right do I still have?

Preggo Bloggers

It seems they're everywhere. I've been trying to read new blogs in the past few weeks, stemming from the creme-de-la-creme post I mentioned before. I've been visiting blogs, and going to other blogs from there. And it seems like almost every single damn one of them is pregnant, when I look at their current postings. It's a slap every time, too. These people wrote such heartwrenching posts at some point last year, about their journey and where they were and what they had gone through...and now they're pregnant. Is that the key? Do I need to make a soulrending post about my infertility and hope that the BFP Fairy takes pity on me?

I don't mean to sound bitter, but I think I am. It keeps feeling like I'm the only infertile blogger left - well, me and Wendy, and this guy's wife. Everyone else is pregnant, in one stage or another, and it's bringing to the surface all the anger I thought was gone. I thoughts I wasn't angry about not having a child, about the definite possibility that I will be 35 before I get to go through treatments again. I thought I was done being bitter that those around me seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, and that most of the people I know who are infertile are now joining the preggo world.

I guess not.

School makes me sick

Literally.

School starts up again tomorrow. For the next 16 weeks I'm going to be up to my ears in Biology (chapter 8 is on infertility and reproduction...WOO!), Spanish, and Math. I forsee lots of homework.

At any rate, I woke up this morning with a cold sore. A big one. On the left side of my upper lip. OWIE! I showed Aaron, who said "You had one of those at the beginning of last semester too." I did? If he says so...I can't remember that far back! It's been 20 weeks! At any rate, in the last hour I've started sneezing, my nose is draining, I feel all stuffy. Great. Sick for the first day of classes. So I asked Aaron "Was I sick at the beginning last time too?" to which he replied "Yes. You had a cold sore, were sick, AND AF was in the house. You're one step better this time."

SHHHH! Speak not the name of the foul witch! I don't put it past her to show up again, just to screw with me. I haven't even O'd yet - she showed up last Sunday so I'm only on CD9 of I've-lost-count-of-what-cycle-I'm-on.

I have most of my books. I say "most", because my Spanish books aren't on the website yet. I can't purchase them online. I just found out last night from a friend who works at the bookstore that all of the Spanish classes use the same bundle. I'm going to have to trek to the bookstore and fight all the people to get my books today. And I'm sick. I don't wanna!!! But I have to have the books. I'm really frustrated with my professor AND the department. The department, because they are the one who puts the orders in for the books...and the books may or may not be at the actual bookstore yet. The professor because there should have been an Email sent out, or a message posted on Blackboard (the program that most profs use to leave class messages and grades), or something to let everyone know that they needed to pick up the bundle. He doesn't even have Email so his students can contact him!!!

What kind of professor doesn't have Email in this day and age? He's teaching college students, for pete's sake. You know, the people who are firmly attached to technology of some sort all the time? A computer, laptop, beeper, cell phone, pager, PDA, 3 different messaging programs, etc? There should be some way to contact him...and there wasn't even a phone number.

Grah. I'm going to go play video games now, as this might be my last chance until summer (or spring break at the very least).

Healing

I am on a blogroll, created by the wonderful people over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. Recently, Mel asked for people to send in their best posts of 2006. The truly heartfelt posts, the ones that sum up something important to you. I've spent the last several days reading over these posts. You can find them here.

Over the past several days, I've found that I'm not alone. Not that I ever thought I truly was - I know too many of the girls over at WebMD for that - but even though I share so much with them, at times it seems I'm the only one to feel a certain way. I've read posts from husbands, wives, surrogates. Infertiles, pregnant after infertility, just starting out the journey. Those who've lost hope and have stopped, those determined to keep on, those who are taking a break and those who have chosen other options. Some posts are recent, some are from the beginning of last year. Regardless, they've all helped me heal in some ways.

I feel incredibly peaceful with my choices right now. I thank every single one of you who submitted your posts for being brave enough to share with everyone your most poignant post, for linking it where everyone can see. To the Town Criers, I want to say thank you for making the blog roll, and doing such wonderful things for the infertile community. I've learned of many new blogs along the way, and I wouldn't have found them without you.

To those who have left me comments - thank you. They mean a lot to me, to know that others are doing more than just stopping in, to know that my blog post meant something to someone. To my new readers - thank you, as well, for coming by. I hope you come back to see how things are, and if you have a blog I'll find my way there as well.

One of my bigger pet peeves in life

People who can't speak, type, or understand English very well who work in an occupation where these things are vital.

What's brought this on at the moment is this:

My company has an internal website, available via intranet only. I understand this. There are "employee offers" that are available to us, and some of them require the internet to access...which we do not have at work. Some of those offers have Insibeen made accessable, because the proxy has been changed to allow it (from what I understand of that stuff, which isn't much). However, some of the sites, like the bookstore that offers discount on Pearson books, are still blocked. I notified them of this issue last June, and still nothing has been fixed.

Here's where my rant fits in: I emailed the admin team yesterday, telling them all this. I asked them if there was a way to get the proxy fixed to allow access, since I couldn't access from work. The reply I got was that "Inside Teams site only use for work. If need link to the other web site, use this links: http://inside.ncspearson.com/
You may be able find what you need." I told the person that I tried to use that from work, and I went to the employee offers page, and when I clicked on the bookstore I received the "Page cannot be displayed" error. Could they please tell me if there was another way to access the offers, or fix the proxy? To which I received this gem: "You can not access from outside, because this is intranet means for internal use only."

Really? Are you sure? Because I think I have clearly stated that I am trying to access the offers from work and can't and would you please fix the fucking thing so I can because they are worthless as they are. I responded back with "I understand that I can only access the intranet from work, but these offers require internet and I can't access THOSE from work...which is the only place to access the intranet to start with. Could you please either fix the proxy or send me a paper way to access these offers? I hope that works because I am going to kill someone.

Dear lord, people - he doesn't seem to get that I understand very well that it's internal. I've been trying to access it from work. I can't. How hard is a request for help to fix the stupid thing to understand? Apparently a lot. At this rate I may end up calling the help desk...which usually isn't any help at all when it comes to this sort of thing...and asking them to please fix it.