So I think I mentioned that MIL got her disability and is absolutely stoked. I think I may have also mentioned that they are going to be moving out in a year. If I didn't, I just did. :) We may actually be selling the house THIS summer if we can get all the fixing up done in time - we'll see what happens.
At any rate, we were talking with MIL last night about moving, and the stuff she's bought lately, and how happy she is that she's got her own checking/savings accounts again and stuff. Out of what was, to me, the blue she says "I've been thinking. If this isn't too out of line for me to do this, I'd like to set some money aside in a separate fund for you two to try another treatment."
Slam to the gut #1.
My dear and loving husband says "Jen? This is your decision to make."
Thanks hunny...appreciate you buffering me there. You know how I feel about treatments these days.
I was facing the computer, MIL in the doorway behind and to my right, Aaron in the rocking chair behind and to my left. I tipped my head back and said (as calmly as I could) "I really appreciate that. I don't think we're going to be doing anymore treatments in the near future. I want to graduate school first, which is another 3 years from now, and I'm not even sure I want to DO any treatments. One was enough. Besides which, next time they want me to do stims along with the clomid. I don't want to do stims. I'm not a fan of needles, I've seen the bruising that it leads to. I don't like the idea of all those drugs in my system. If you thought I was bad on the clomid...stims just makes it worse. It's also a lot to pin on a cycle. A lot of heartbreak that I'm not sure I can do anymore. This journey of ours has really taken a toll on me - I'm much more bitter and jaded than I might otherwise be. I don't even recognize myself anymore. So...thank you for the offer, but it probably won't be used."
My once again dear, loving, supportive husband says "Well, Jen, you know they won't MAKE you do stims if you don't want to." SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU AREN'T HELPING! My MIL responds with "You would have changed anyways - that's what life does. If the result at the end is your own biological child, isn't it worth it?"
Ouch. Slam to the gut #2.
To which I again tried to calmly respond "No. If I lose myself in the process, it's not worth it. I want a child, yes, but if I resent that child because of everything I went through in order to have it...it's not worth it." (someone sorta made that point in a comment...thank you)
MIL then said "Well, I think you'll make great parents. And you can't blame me for wanting a grandbaby."
SCORE! Three slams. Thanks, MIL, for making me feel like I'm your only hope. Even though you have a daughter who can give you babies. Even though we could adopt. Even though you have two step-grandsons and 3 step-granddaughters.
I hashed it out with Aaron. He understands that I don't think I can do this. The gesture is nice, but it isn't about the money...something too many don't seem to understand. Wilma is beginning to get it, after our long talk. MIL just...doesn't. No matter how many times I try to explain that it isn't the money - I could put it on a card if it were THAT important still. It isn't the fear that I won't be a good parent - I've raised several happy kitties as humans, thank you very much. It's the heartache and the stress and the drugs. I never thought I'd have to go through treatments - none of us ever do, I suppose. I have always been adamant about IVF, though. IUI isn't so severe, and so I was okay with it. I made myself be ok with the clomid. I don't think I can make myself be ok with the stims.
Part of me thinks I'm crazy for not jumping on this train. Some of you will probably think I'm crazy too. It's not every day that someone offers to pay for a treatment. I think all of us would love to have a free treatment, just once. Problem is...I don't want it.
6 hours ago
3 comments:
I respect the fact that you don't want to do IVF. If you don't want to do it, you shouldn't do it and you shouldn't be forced to by anyone.
I didn't want to do IVF either. But I did. 5 times. And I understand many of the fears that you are discussing. Needles, brusing, odd medications, hormones, all of it.
But now, I'm in the beginning stages of pregnancy. And I can already look back and tell you that all of the medications and hormones were only temporary pain. And in the process I didn't lose myself -- actually, I think infertility and the whole process is helping me to find myself.
But I do understand your fears and what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another.
You are not crazy. Not at all. We should make choices in life that are right for us, not right for other people. And I really admire that you're standing up for what you want and not allowing yourself to be guilted into something that is not where you want to go. Stay strong, Tigger.
I believe strongly in sticking with your gut reaction. And if your gut reaction is not to do more treatment, then go with it.
I just discovered your blog, and don't know much about your individual situation (maybe it's in the archives, which I haven't read). However, the exception to the "do whatever you want" mantra is if your husband is still really hurting because you are childless. In that case, is there a specific reason why you're not pursuing adoption?
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