It's been a while

and life is getting busy. I'll try to get you caught up without venting!

C39 started on Friday. Not sure why I keep counting-guess it's just habit now. Nothing going on this cycle, ttc-wise that is. Just the same old, same old.

On the 13th I have an appointment with a new doctor. He is an ob/gyn who also does infertility work. I have been reading a book called "The Infertility Companion" lately. It's really helped me deal with some crap...I highly recommend it to anyone out there who either IS infertile, knows someone who is, or who just wants to learn more about it. At any rate, it was discussing diagnostic testing and whatnot. It turns out that most physicians do not consider the workup complete without a laprascopy...which I have never had. I feel like my RE got Aaron's SA results back and said "Oh look-there's the problem. We'll just go with that!" and didn't bother to finish testing me. Of course, my RE hasn't exactly been involved with my treatment at all-I've met her once, talked to her on the phone once. I don't like that. At the very least I'll get a second opinion from the new doc about our results and treatment. At best he'll agree to do a lap on me-not that I'm anxious to "go under the knife", but it gets me KU then I'm happy.

On Thursday I have an MRI for my back. Last September I woke up in extreme pain, more or less unable to move. I ended up going to the ER because the pain was over my kidneys and we were afraid something was wrong with them. It turns out that it was deep muscle spasms...the kind you can't see or feel, really, but hurt like a MFer. I went to my regular doc, who gave me muscle relaxers and pain killers. Then a new relaxer. Then physical therapy. Well...last Sunday I woke up hurting again. By Monday I could barely walk again and it lasted a week. Aaron and I have decided that I need to find out what's going on. The pain strikes without warning, the spasms make me look like a marionette. The pain is increasing every time I wake up like this. It now streaks down to my knees, and my legs/feet have been going to sleep at random...even when I'm walking. Well...not to sleep, but to that pins/needles stage when they've BEEN asleep and are waking up. All of this leads us to believe something is wrong with my nerves-could be my scoliosis getting worse, could be my sciatic nerve. Either way, it needs to be taken care of (if it can be) before we get me pg. Depending on Thursday's results, TTC could be on hold indefinitely.

My brother is being an ass and I could gladly kill him right now. I won't go into details here, but if you really want the full story let me know. Suffice to say he seriously pissed mom off and I hope he gets shanked.

Speaking of mom, she had to have another biopsy on her left breast on Monday. Last week the docs saw something on her mammogram...same spot, same breast as 3 years ago when she had cancer. So they biopsied it, removed it all...and we'll find out later this week if she has breast cancer again. If she does, they can't do radiation because they've already done it on that breast. She already had an appt set up with her cancer doc for 10/10, so she'll discuss treatment options then. It will probably be either chemo (like she had for the ovarian cancer two years ago) or a masectomy. Mom says if she has cancer again then she wants my sister & I to come down on the same weekend and be involved with the treatment selection. I do not want to do this. My sister pulled a major guilt-trip on mom, out of my hearing, when mom had ovarian cancer. She told mom that if she DIDN'T go through chemo (which mom didn't want to do) then she could explain to my youngest nephew why she'd rather die. I could have beat my sister at that point. How could she be so selfish? I mean, I don't want mom to die by any means-I'm not ready to be without my mommy, but to be honest I don't think I ever will be. However, I am not selfish enough to demand that mom do something she doesn't want to do, go through a terrible treatment that is going to be hard on her or (in this case) possibly live without her breast...just so I can have her around to talk to every other day. It has to be her choice and I will stand by her, against my sister and the rest of the family if I have to. And if my sister tries to pull the same shit again I plan on yelling at her until mom makes me stop. Mom says she doesn't understand Michelle's reaction-Michelle isn't even involved in mom's life much anymore. Mom hasn't seen "the boys" for over a year-mom talks to me every other day! And yet I'm the one willing to live without her if I have to-I refuse to ask her to do something for my sake.

Ok...I know I said I wouldn't vent but I couldn't help it. My siblings are both angering me to the point of violence. I hurt-a lot. I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do to fix any of this. I'm a control freak who currently isn't in control of anything. If you've read through all this...thanks. I appreciate it. I'll try to update after Thursday, when I get my MRI and mom's cancer results.