It's a happy ranty day!

It looks like December is going to be our IUI time!

The inlaws have agreed to smoke outside for the next 6 months. In return, we will do the IUI...most likely in December. Hopefully the beginning of December - what a Christmas present that will be for everyone! Assuming it works the first time, which I really hope it does because I don't think I have the courage to do it a second time. It's taken me a year to finally work up the nerve to even think about this!

I called the RE the other day before I went to work. I told the lady that I had been a patient up until last August and at that time we were told IUI was our only option. We couldn't afford it and weren't ready then, but life is getting in line and cooperating with us now...and we would be ready by December. I asked what we needed to do now...and she told me to call back in OCTOBER! ACK! I may call today and set my appointment for then...but if they want to do CD3 b/w that's going to be hard. My cycles are so wonky these days that I can't predict them!

I can't decide if I'm upset that they want to wait to see me or not. On the one hand, what if something has changed? What if my hormones are all screwy and need fixing? It might take a few months to get it all straightened around...and I'm trying to keep to a schedule of sorts so I don't miss so much school. On the other hand, however...I've started taking my Metformin again. Aaron will be taking a vitamin called Fertility Blend as soon as it arrives on the doorstep. I'm also working on eating better, losing at least 10% of my weight - all of which increase our chances of getting pg naturally, or at least helping the IUI succeed.

I'm just all up in the air. I don't know what to wish for, what I want. Mom's being a killjoy again - this time I snapped at her and she apologized. Hopefully that will keep her out of my hair for a while. I mean, I told her we were going to do IUI in December and she said "Oh Jennifer...you just bought a house, you're going back to school and now you want to be pregnant TOO?" As if this was a new thing, mom? I told her that YES we want to be pregnant now...I wanted to be pregnant 2 1/2 years ago too but it didn't work and hasn't yet. I finally have the opportunity to do what the docs want, life is getting in order, and I don't want to be having my kids at 40 (no offense to the AMA's out there...). I want them NOW, dammit, not later. She said she's afraid I'm not thinking clearly about how hard it's going to be to be pregnant, go to school AND work all at the same time. I showed her that yes, yes I am. I fully plan on being sick morning,noon, and night while pregnant. I'm going to have to work anyways...I may as well go to school too. I can handle it if I have to - I'm an adult, realize it or not. I probably won't make it to summer semester next yet - at least, not in person. But I CAN take online courses at BSU, do it from home, just in case I get put on bedrest. If we do this in December the kid is going to be due in August/September...and I don't want to go into labor during finals. If I do it from home it'll be better.

I just really wish mom would realize that while we respect her enough to tell her when we are doing things we are not asking her permission or blessing. I'm 29 years old...plenty old enough to make my own decisions. Since becoming financially responsible I haven't screwed us over, gotted us in over our heads, bankrupted us, lost our housing, not had food to eat, nada. As a matter of fact we're in a better place than we ever have been - we've made great leaps and bounds in getting life to work with us in the past year. By the end of the year we'll have the bed to pay off...and then the monthly bills. That's it! We're growing up - it's painful, but it happens. I just wish she could see it. I'm the daughter who has questioned everything, always - the one who everyone swears makes up scenarios that could never happen, the one whose mother used to say "If Jen didn't have something to worry about she'd make something". The one whose mother is now saying "I don't think you've thought this through".

Sometimes I think she'll never be happy with the way I run my life - nothing will satisfy her. She's always told me to relax, don't worry so much, don't try to plan so far ahead. I'm not relaxing, I'm worrying as much as ever, and I've planned so far ahead I can't even see the end...and yet I try to only worry about a month at a time, or at least to the end of the year. It's June and I don't have my budget done for next year - I must be sick! :) But she has to see that I'm all growed up, even if I do still need my mommy and want her approval...right?

Thanks for listening y'all...this didn't turn out the way I thought it would, but hey - sometimes you just have to get stuff off your chest. I'm off to go clean the house (new furniture, and it's been 6 months..). I look forward to your comments!

It worked! It worked!

One of the friends I mentioned in the prior post got her bfp this morning! WOO! The rest are next, I swear it! :)

My mother in law thinks I'm funny because I'm so happy for others who are getting what we've tried so hard for. What she doesn't understand is this: These women are like my sisters. They're my best friends. No one understand what I go through on a monthly basis like these girls. We've shared everything...things you wouldn't tell your mother, let along some person you've never even met....but we understand each other perfectly. We've shared heartache, and joy, and tears...some have moved on to other boards, some haven't, some have given up and some haven't, but we're all still together in this. One of these girls getting pregnant is almost as good as getting preggers myself.

I know, without a doubt, that these women will be jumping for joy and shouting from the rooftops when I get by own bfp...even as I am doing the same for them. I have to resist the urge to post in letters all over the net "JO GOT A BFP!SHE's PREGNANT!!!" and to take out an ad in my local paper to the same effect. I want to scream it to the world! Instead I will sit here and tell all of you, and hopefully you'll share in her joy too.

So to the BFP Fairy I now say this: Thank you. Thank you so much for going to Jo's place and giving her this much deserved gift. I hope you find it in your wand to bless the rest of my friends (Wendy, Cheryl, Shayna, Kim...in case you forgot) with theirs. You have your work cut out for you, but I have faith. You've shown me you are listening with Jo...keep up the good work!

To those reading: Thanks for sticking with me! I love seeing all the people who've visited me - some of you are new, some just stumbled in, some are repeat visitors. Thanks to all of you - I'm glad you stopped by!

I think the BFP fairy is on strike

She didn't come to my house, she didn't go to Jo's house, and she didn't go to Kimmie's place either. Where in the hell did she go?

To put it very simply: This sucks. This was Kimmie's last try...why couldn't it have been her? I can't think of a more deserving woman to have another child than Kim. She's tried everything she can do, her doc is being a butt and telling her she's too old. I say she's not. If a woman in her 60's can have a kid, Kimmie can too!

And Jo...she's another friend of mine from the WebMD boards. She and I have become really good friends over the last year or so during her journey. We're a lot alike in many ways. Her hubby travels a lot, but he was home this month when he should have been. AF is late - but her test was negative. If Kimmie can't have her BFP, could Jo have it please?

And then there's me...but I think I would rather my friends got theirs first. I can live without - I have enough things going on right now. School, the house, etc. I am hoping to be able to do IUI in January/February...the timing would be good then. This is not to say that if I get pg before that I won't be happy - I will - but if not, then I'd love for my friends to get theirs and let me live vicariously.

The following message is for the BFP fairy (just in case she deigns to read my humble blog):
Please go visit my friends. Kimmie, Jo, Wendy, Shayna, Cheryl for starters. Not necessarily in that order, but please, in the next few months, could you please go give these very deserving women the one thing we all want? What do I need to do to bribe you into this? They're doing all they can...could you cooperate a little?

and to the Baby Dust fairy:
Please sprinkle the above mentioned friends with truckloads of baby dust every day for the next 6 months...or until the BFP Fairy gets off her heiney and blesses them. Thank you!

It never fails.

I jinxed myself. I knew I would. Not 30 minutes after I made that last post I had to go potty and guess who'd arrived? You guessed it...just in time for my birthday. Guess it's a good idea I wasn't really planning on celebrating much.

It just never fails. As soon as I start contemplating testing, or start thinking that I might be late and maybe miracles do happen, she shows up. I start getting excited because she's not here at her usual time...and she shows up. One would think I would stop getting excited and hopeful every month.

Why oh why can't she just choose a day and stick with it? These games of showing up somewhere in a 3 day span..and then lengthening by one just to screw with me...are getting really really old. I shouldn't be surprised anymore (and I wasn't) but it's still irritating as hell.

So...for those of you who were getting your hopes up with me: I'm truly sorry. I'll try to be quiet next time. It's hard enough to have my own hopes dashed without dashing every one else's too. The good news is now you can direct all your thoughts, hopes, prayers, baby dust, what have you to Kimmie!

I hesitate to post this

because I just know I'm going to jinx myself.

My average cycle is 25 days. The longest that FF has recorded for me is 28 and the shortest is 23.

The past 6 cycles average 24 days:
1/02 = 25
1/27 = 23
2/19 = 24
3/15 = 23
4/07 = 23
4/30 = 25

Today marks CD26 of this cycle. We have been absolute bunnies compared to normal (about 2x as much as usual...I've been trying!). Tomorrow is my birthday, and the next day is my friend Kimmie's testing day. (She'd going her second IVF round - everyone cross their fingers for her!)

I can't decide when I should test. It's not like I really get to celebrate my birthday tomorrow - Aaron has Grand Jury duty all day and I have to work until 9pm. I'm no stranger to BFN's...lord knows I'm immune to that since I expect it. I generally refuse to test until I'm good and late, and about the time I start contemplating it AF shows up anyhow. But...we've been bunnies - almost twice as much bding this month compared to all the other cycles. I'm past all my average lengths for everything (ovulation, LP, etc).

Hmmm...guess I'll figure it out eventually. Maybe I'll test on Sunday. At that point I'll be past my longest cycle ever (31 days two years ago with a chemical pregnancy). Who am I kidding - I can't wait that long. I'll update y'all when I get around to testing. In the meantime - keep your fingers crossed for Kimmie and me!

Yay for less stress!

We're homeowners as of late last night. This is less stress for us - or at least for me. No more worrying if the inlaws are going to have trouble with something and get the house taken, or if I make them angry enough they'll kick us out. The place is ours, although they'll still be living here with us.

I tried to make a deal with them, but I don't think it is going to work. DH told his mom (so far) that if she & FIL smoke outside EVERY TIME for the next 6 months, I'm willing to do IUI to get pregnant. Her response was "Well, you'll have to talk to your father. It doesn't do any good for me to smoke outside if he's inside. And I'm not going outside when it's bad weather." I hate to tell them, but this is an all or nothing deal. Bad weather, good weather, too hot or not, I don't care. OUTSIDE! Weather is bad in the winter - that's no excuse. You want to have your nasty ass habit? If you want a grandbaby, get the hell outside. I feel kinda bad for trying to bribe them with the idea of grandchildren, but I've tried everything else.

This coming Tuesday is going to be my 29th birthday. My dearest husband has grand jury duty ALL DAY, and I have to work until 9pm, so I won't even see him. As a result we're going out this Saturday. AF should be here, so I'm going to go get staggeringly drunk. Shouldn't take more than a couple drinks...I haven't had much since we started TTC. And even if AF isn't here...I'm going to go drink anyways. I know, I know...I'm a terrible person, you shouldn't drink when TTC just in case you're ku'd. Know what? I don't care. The placenta doesn't form until 6 weeks, so that means the baby doesn't start taking nutrients (and bad things) from the mother's body until then. I think I'll be just fine - and if not, that's the price I pay. I have given up so much over the past two years for this - it's about damn time I celebrated a little. A birthday, a house...it's worth it right now.

I'm also registered for my classes to start college in August. Here I am talking about doing IUI...and I'm going back to school. But I have a plan! Since my deal with the inlaws won't start for 6 months...if I do the IUI in January (February at the latest), I will attend the summer semester next year, take the fall semester off, and attend spring semester 2008. That will give me time to have said baby in August/September, be recouped by January, and the baby will be old enough to go to daycare. My best friend's MIL (the mom of my Dh's best friend) runs a daycare just down the street. I'm fairly sure she'll take my kiddo for me... :)

OH! I almost forgot! I think I may have solved a part of my frigidity that I wrote about last time! After writing all that, the next day I went out shopping with the best friend I mentioned earlier. I told her all that was going on and how upset and worried I was. She says to me "Hun, you know I love you and that's why I'm going to say this. You...are...a...CONTROL FREAK. You have to control everything. Living in that house, with the parents and sister around all the time, you have no control over anything. I'm not surprised it's affecting this area of your life. You can't do what you used to do anymore. We have the same problem. Between living with (her SIL and HER DH) and the baby being born, I have no drive left at all. I have to try, really hard. Figure out what turns you on. Then do it!" At this point, I had an epiphany. We have a laptop. Laptops can go anywhere. Even the bedroom! EUREKA! Since then I now have a new "bed buddy" named "Dell". He's my laptop...and my new friend. I don't think DH minds too much. We normally manage to get in 4-5 sessions a cycle...this current cycle we've managed 7. That might not seem a lot to you, but it's almost double what we normally get in! The cycle isn't over yet, either! WOO!

Anyhow...these are my updates. I'll try to update again when Af shows...unless miracles have happened. In the meantime...thanks for reading!

I'm at a loss

I don't think I want to TTC anymore. I realized several things last night and none of them make me very happy.

Since we started TTC, our sex life has gone downhill fast. My skin cringes anytime Aaron tries to "seduce" me, having sex is just way too much effort. It's just ridiculous. Aaron has the sex drive of a 16 year old - me of an 80 year old. I thought having sex at least once a week was doing good, but he wants it every day. I usually manage twice - and we keep a record. But this is absolutely ridiculous. I feel so much guilt for not giving it to him more, he feels guilty for wanting it. Why should he feel guilty for wanting his wife?! I should be happy that he wants me as much as he does - but I don't. I'm irritated. I give in mostly so he'll go away and leave me alone - and that's a terrible thing to do to him.

I want to go back to the way we were three years ago. When we first got together we were having sex at least once a day, if not twice. It wasn't an effort. He still feels the way he did back then, but I don't. And I'm so very sad. I want to get back there, but since he never left I don't know how. It's not like we can move towards the point together - it has to be all me. And...it's daunting. I don't even know where to begin.

I was thinking and thinking last night - after having yet another blow out argument with Aaron about sex - about getting pregnant. I think I'm terrified of it. I know that I am absolutely adamant about not doing IUI or adopting until my inlaws quit smoking - but what if I'm also subconsciously sabotaging my efforts to do this naturally? What if my subconscious is telling me that until things are better here there's no way in hell I'm having a kid? Sex started going downhill after I got on the pill (we were just getting together then) and it never recovered once I went off. I'm thinking that maybe we should start preventing again. NOT the pill - never again will I take that since it took me almost a year before my body recovered - but condoms maybe. They suck - but it would allow the part of my brain that says "can't do it today, you did it yesterday and every day is bad for the count. No, you have to wait until CD7 before you can start the Bdfest. No, not in the morning only at night so you can lay there." and then stresses until AF shows up to GO TO FUCKING SLEEP. Maybe if I'm not worried about it because I KNOW it won't happen then I can focus more on my husband and less on getting pregnant.

I'm worried about my marriage. I'm afraid it's all falling apart and it's my fault. He says he'll never leave - he won't do divorce. Great, fine, and dandy - but if he's absolutely miserable and it's my fault then I'll be absolutely miserable and we'll be one of those old bitter couples that everyone wonders "Why don't they get a divorce?" And I don't want to be one of those - I want him to be at least content with me. I know I'm a bitch, and I'm high-strung, and I'm self-centered. He married me knowing these things, but I get worse every year...hell, every month. I don't know how to concede to someone else's wishes, no matter how I try. I'm trying to force him into my mold instead of making a new one. I punish him because I'm not interested in sex. I won't even go into details of what I did last night - I am so ashamed of myself.

I just don't know what to do. I am at such a loss. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. My mother-in-law wants a grandchild so very badly - no matter how many times I've told her that IUI is the only way and it's not happening until they (the inlaws) quit smoking, she still asks me every time we have extra money if we're going to do it. I want a child so badly, but the obssession is fading away a little more. Perhaps one of the girls I know is right - perhaps the universe is telling me that the time just isn't right for me to have a kid. Hell, perhaps the time will never be right.