BPP

When I left on Monday, the doc said "I will talk to you on Wednesday if not before". I assumed that meant "Unless you go into labor by Wednesday, we will come up with another option and I will call you to discuss it." Instead, I got a call  to go in yesterday afternoon for an ultrasound and BPP. I got the call back this morning on the results: 8/8

We appear to have a perfectly happy child who does not want to come out of his perfectly comfortable womb. We also have a mommy that does not feel that she can mentally (or physically) take much more waiting. My brain feels like it's splitting apart, I've been crying all morning (it's only been about 3 hours since I got the call...), and I'm in so much pain I'd dearly love to take some pain meds...which isn't something I do lightly, ever.

I asked Trish (my doc's nurse) if he was thinking about doing a second induction, or was he thinking C-section, what was going on? She said "he said he'll talk to you about those on Friday when you come in". So here I was, thinking I'd have a plan today, and I'm being put off for another 2 days. I'm getting less mentally stable by the day and my body appears to want to keep up with my mind, which does not bode well. Either that, or it hasn't forgiven me for laying on the stupid uncomfortable hospital bed on my back for a day and a half.... *shrug*

I know the doc is putting what's best for me MEDICALLY over what he seems to think I want. What I *want* is to have this child BEFORE I start resenting him for what he's putting me through at this stage. What I *want* is to not wake up in the middle of the night with acidic puke coming up my throat - it's happened two nights in a row now. What I *want* is to be able to move without feeling like I'm going to fall down because my nerves won't work properly. I don't CARE how these things happen, as long as it involves Colson being alive. I feel like I have to continuously make that disclaimer, because every time I think "I don't care, just get him OUT, I'm done being pregnant and I'm done with the pain" my next thought is "you know karma is going to come and kill your child for that...." which I KNOW doesn't make any logical sense, but I never said I was logical. If I were logical, that sentence wouldn't have been so long, but I'm rambling because I feel like I'm screaming into a void.

My wonderful husband is trying his best to understand, he's sorry I'm miserable, but really all he cares is that our son is happy and healthy. As if I don't? My doctor is trying to do what's medically best, but it's my mental state that is at issue and I don't think he's hearing me. My friends keep giving me inane assvice (go have lots of sex! drive over bumpy roads! eat spicy foods! drink castor oil!) and trying to comfort me with "he'll come out eventually, when he's ready". Fantastic, people - it took him 6 years to ARRIVE in this uterus, I don't think he's in any hurry to leave. Then there's "well, the doc won't let you go too long" - you mean, the same doc who has repeatedly said he didn't want me to go to 41 weeks, and yet isn't meeting with me to discuss options until Friday and Sunday marks 41 weeks? That doctor? I adore him, but....as long as Colson is happy and healthy and the placenta is doing it's job, he's not going to take this child out. I can almost guarantee it. And I swear, if one more person tells me "you wanted this" when I say something about pain or being unhappy or wanting the child out or not wanting to be pregnant anymore, I am going to snap. Just snap.