You call that a contraction?

So Friday at my NST, I had a couple actual, honest-to-goodness contractions. Small ones, mostly, with a big one thrown in for good measure. They asked me if I felt them, and I responded with "should I?" So..no. I did not feel them. The only reason I knew something was going on was because Smallfry's heartbeart freaked the hell out - it got really fast, and fluttery, like he had arrythmia. Whatever, right? I mean, I've been having BH contractions for weeks now, nothing new.

Until yesterday. I had my NST yesterday, and there were LOTS of contractions. Small ones, again, with more big ones thrown in for good measure. Again they asked me if I was feeling them, and again I replied "should I?" My doc appears astonished that I'm not feeling them. I don't know what to tell him other than "this is me we're talking about, here...how is it that you're surprised by anything my body does or doesn't do?" They were fairly regular, or so it appeared to me on the monitor, but not big enough or close enough together for them to be concerned. I was sent home with the instructions to "time them and if they get 5 minutes apart, come back in. Or if your water breaks, of course". What I really wanted to say was "How do you expect me to time what I can't freaking feel?"

And thus I am still at that stage. I still don't know what contractions are supposed to feel like. They tell me that my abdomen will get tight - my abdomen already feels like a rock because Smallfry is so compacted in there. I am able to identify body parts at this point, something *I* haven't been able to do before beyond "it's a limb". If I go on the assumption that the stabby pains I feel in my cervical area along with the mild increases in pressure that make it feel like I have to pee are contractions, then I am feeling them and they're still going. I've been feeling those pains for a month, though, so I don't know that I CAN count them as contractions. I'm tired of people telling me "you'll just know when you go into labor" "there won't be any doubt when you are actually having contractions" and "you're a first time mom - you'll go to your due date, probably past, and you need to stop worrying". Hello? Just because I'm a first time preggo doesn't mean that I'll hold to the norm. I haven't been normal up to this point, I see no reason to start now. And no, I don't know when I'm having actual contractions - see those things on the monitor? Yeah, I don't feel them, and the only way I know I'm having one is because THE MONITOR TELLS ME SO. Oh yeah, and I don't HAVE a monitor at home.

Ugh. I am freaking out the past few days. I'm paranoid, and I know it, but I'm just trying to go with it. Trying to convince myself not to be isn't going to work, so I may as well accept it. I'm done with being pregnant, which is not a state I ever thought I would reach, but it's getting tiring. Apparently my husband is done with me being pregnant too - he says the shiny has worn off. Poor boy. At any rate, things are...progressing...more or less. I'm crossing my fingers (but not my legs) that these contractions or whatever in the hell I'm feeling hurry things along so I can have this kid over the weekend. :)