Turning 30

Today is my last day as a 20-something. Tomorrow I become a 30-something. In the past few weeks I've decided that 30 must be a time for self-reflection, at least for some, and a time for change. I've been meaning to post the reflections here, but I'm not sure anyone reads me since I post so sporadically, so I forgot to carve some time to blog. If I remember them again, I might post them.

1) I really don't have much to complain about. I DO complain, a lot, but really I don't have a reason to. So I can't have kids of my own. I have a niece and soon a nephew that I can play with and take care of any time I so choose. I own a house and two cars. I have a wonderful husband who loves me more than I could imagine. I have a steady job with a boss who is willing to rearrange my schedule to fit whatever I have to do - and that includes school. I'm going back to school to get a degree in a field I'm going to love. My life, while not perfect, is pretty damn good. I think it's all finally coming together.

My body is falling apart, however. That's my major complaint these days. I'm so tired of hurting all the time. I will never be pain free again. I know this and it depresses me greatly. I will settle for being in less pain, less enough that I can live my life again without worrying about the pain cost. At times I think that's too much to hope for, though. I know, I KNOW, that I couldn't handle a pregnancy at this time...if ever. The toll it would take on my spine would probably leave me paralyzed at worst...bed rest for 9 months at best. The more I learn about what's wrong with me, the more I realize that I may never be "fixed". Part of me thinks I should just suck it up and deal with it...the rest of me says "You weren't always like this...it will take a lot of time and money, but they'll get you better."

In a little less than a month, Aarons nephew and his pregnant fiancee are coming to live with us. We're having new carpet put into my den and they will be taking that room. I'm really hoping that Aarons sister is going to move out soon, so I can use THAT room as my den. I don't know what I'm going to do with all that stuff if she doesn't. There's two computer desks (one for the PC, one for the laptop/books), a hope chest, two file-style cabinets and a faux steamer trunk. Not to mention all the stuff in the closet!!

2) I think I'm okay with never having kids. Over the past several months I've really watched Fred & Wilma with their daughter. I've watched how they argue and snipe over who is going to watch her this Sunday. Fred wants Wilma to watch her while the boys are over to game; Wilma wants Fred to watch her because I'm also over and we're trying to get caught up on Gilmore Girls Season One. It isn't just Sundays either; it's every time one has something they want to do. They also have to get a babysitter any time they want to do anything. I know all the good stuff...but I've also realized how hassle-free my life is. I don't want to argue with Aaron over who is going to watch our kid. If we want to go out on a whim, I want to go. If we want to spend money, I don't want to have to worry about how that will affect our child. I can only imagine how bad things are going to get when their son is born. I'm happy being kid-free these days. Perhaps karma knew what it was doing all along. This is NOT to say that I think those who want them and can't have them have pissed karma off at all - please, no one take it that way. I simply choose to believe that in my case, maybe it's a good thing.

Ok...time for me to sign off for now. I'm at my parents house. I surprised my dad for Father's Day, and wanted to come visit my mom. I now have to go do a few errands for mom, go see her for a few hours, and then head home again. I have p/t in the morning (Yay for pain & torture on my birthday!) so I have to head home. I hope all of you are having a wonderful week.