Small update

The ultrasound showed 2 gallstones that were big enough to throw a shadow - which means that there were 2 big enough to disrupt the sonic waves. If there are smaller ones, they can't see them. This means it's entirely possible that I have a gravel pit in there!

Tuesday I go to meet with a surgeon for the gallstones. I spoke with both his scheduler and the one for the OB that I went to and they both say that I can get my endo lap done at the same time as the gallbladder removal. YAY! I am going to have to check on insurance stuff, make sure it's all covered the way I think it will be.

I am going to try and hold off on doing the surgery until the week of Thanksgiving. I don't think I'm going to be able to, but it would be best. I don't have any school that week and the office is only open for two days. I'm going to have to use up all my vacation time when I do this...I'd prefer at least some of it was holiday! I am, however, driving both myself AND Aaron nuts with my wondering about the surgery. I don't know what to expect afterwards. I think it's going to be hella painful...Aaron says I'll be sore, but fine in a few days. I'm anticipating one of us on the couch (probably him, or the cats will be jumping on me all night), he thinks we'll be ok in the same bed. I'm thinking "Give me Percocet to take home", he's thinking "Vicodin every few hours should be just fine". I've heard reports of everything from a few days recovery to 6 weeks...just for the gallbladder. Having two at once is going to be harder on me...and I'm already a very slow healer whose body reacts strongly to pain.

This is not going to be pretty...not even a little. I will try to update again later this week, after I talk to the surgeon.

Gallbladder update

In reading over my last few posts it appears I forgot to mention something.

When I went to the neurosurgeon, he said "BTW, did anyone tell you you have a gallstone?" A what? I have a what where? No doc...no one bothered to tell me this. "Oh. Well, you have a 1.7cm gallstone." How big? Well, about the size of a dime. Apparently my frickin' body has decided it would be nice to grow a pearl in my gallbladder. This explains a lot of what's been going on with my gastrointestinal system in the past few months, although I didn't think anything was bothering me other than a finicky system.

The other night I had a REALLY REALLY bad attack. Bad enough that Aaron threatened to take me to the ER. Luckily for me, these attacks pass fairly quickly - 15 to 30 minutes, although I do hurt for about 16 hours or so all told, just not bad. I went to the college doc yesterday. He ran some b/w (I should get the results today or tomorrow) and I go in for a u/s on Thursday morning. Since the gallstone was an incidental find (they weren't looking for it, it just happened to show up on the MRI), he wants to find out what's REALLY going on. Do I have more than one? How are they (it?) positioned? How likely am I to have a blockage? Will I need surgery?

I found out from my sister that they can do my endo lap AND my gallbladder surgery at the same time. It will be cheaper that way, and a lot easier on me if I only have to recover once instead of twice. One hospital bill, one anesthesiologist...and maybe only one surgeon, we'll have to see. At any rate, I might be getting this all taken care of sooner than I planned. If I leave the stone in there I run the risk of having it go to my liver and diseasing it, or breaking through the wall and letting bile into my bloodstream. Neither of these is a terribly attractive option, so I will probably just have the damn thing removed.

Anyways...sorry I haven't updated in a bit. It's been a busy time - school (I'm a full B student!!!), work...and lots of doc visits. I'll update more when I know more.

And the wait is on!

Aaron and I did some refiguring and took a better look at our insurance. I was wrong. It wouldn't cost us about $2500 after insurance. It would cost us $9K after insurance - if we hadn't used our insurance AT ALL. My insurance sucks ass, so we will be cancelling it at the end of this month. It will be all but tapped at that point anyways and become completely useless, so there's no point in continuing to pay for it if I can't use it.

Next June or so Aaron will be eligible for better insurance. We may decide to just do this laprascopy next year, if our finances are in better shape. We will NOT be doing an IUI this December - I see no point in trying it if my uterus is not in perfect shape. Or at least as close to perfect as I can get it, which means no endo. We'll see what happens after we do the lap...perhaps we'll get KU'd right away, perhaps we'll do an IUI right away to help ensure a pg, who knows. Maybe I'll just give up!

I know it isn't impossible to get pg with endo. My sister did (two boys)- and she had to have a D&C every two years to get her endo cleared out until she could get someone to listen to her and remove her uterus and one ovary. My cousin Mandy, whose endo is so severe she was told she would never have childre, has two little boys. Her sister Christine has severe PCOS and was also told she'd never have kids - her daughter will be two (or is it three? I can't remember) in May! So it's not impossible...but it will definitely be our miracle baby.

I told my parents and my dad seriously pissed me off. I won't even go into details right now because it will upset me all over again, but he is convinced I shouldn't have this lap done unless they are 100% certain that I have endo. Uhhh....on a checklist of 12 items I could answer yes to 8 of them. The only way to know for sure is to go in there and take a look! And yes - I know it's going to cost a small fortune and yes! I know I can't afford it. But I am NOT going to throw more money at my uterus just to have it say "FUCK YOU JEN! NO BABY FOR YOU!" It just doesn't make sense.

Ah...there I go getting all upset. It's time for bed. This has been the worst week in a long while and I am very very glad it's over.

The good, the bad, the so-so

I'm back from the ob's office. I have news.

the good: A herniated disk shouldn't stop me from having kids. Yes, being pg is going to exacerbate the problem...but it doesn't mean I CAN'T do it.

the so-so: The ob thinks I have endo. This is good, because it would explain my IF and my insurance will cover any IF treatments related to endo. Bad, because...

the bad: It will cost us about $2500 after insurance to have a lap done and be diagnosed & have it removed. We don't have a cc that will hold that right now, so it's probably going to be 6 months or so before we get it taken care of...at the very least.

But...I have an answer, more or less. It's about what I thought. Aaron says we should sue the RE's office for not doing a lap in the first place (due to family history) and having us do an IUI that wasn't going to work.

I am so depressed now

I went to the neurosurgeon today. I had high hopes that he could fix me, that something could be done.

I was wrong.

He took a look at my MRI films and said "Here's the tiny herniation. Here's the dried out disk. There's no nerves involved. There's nothing I can do. To help, stay slim and do some core exercises. Any weight you carry in the front is going to make it worse."

Great. I get to live with this pain for the rest of my life. Not only that but I have to find a way to lose weight - as if I haven't been trying to do so for the last 6-7 years? Accordingly, if carrying more weight up front is going to make it worse...guess who doesn't get to be pg? That's right...me. Unless we decide the risk is worth it - but last week and the week before I could barely walk. I don't know what's going to happen if I add another 50 pounds on my front side.

I'm so depressed and upset. I can't decide if I want to scream or cry...or both. I have been on the verge of tears for the last two hours. This guy was my only hope of being fixed - and now I know that, as usual, no doc can ever help me.

"don't worry - I'm in the same boat"

I just had to share this with y'all - this is one of the more irritating and slightly amusing things I've heard in a while.

I was getting my hair trimmed yesterday by this girl in her early 20's, if that. She made the usual small talk "How long have you two been married?" followed by the inevitable "Do you have any kids?". I told her no, and she looked to be ready to ask more questions. I then said "We've been trying for two and a half years". This usually stops they questions before they start...or leads to what happened next.

She said "Oh don't worry - I'm in the same boat. But you're not supposed to tell me it's been that long"

I shrugged and said "Sorry. How long have you been trying?"

This cute little slip of a girl says, in all seriousness, "It's already been 3 weeks!"

OMG, y'all...I almost fell out of my chair! Had I been able to get up and walk, instead of her weilding scissors at my hair, I was very tempted to say "OMG, really? That long? Are you panicked yet? How can you STAND it?" I didn't...I just looked at her and informed her that it takes the average healthy couple 4-6 months to conceive, you only have a 20-25% chance of conceiving every month, and that if you haven't conceived in a year then you need to go see a specialist-which happens to be be here in Boise!

She's in the same boat, huh? Three weeks versus two and a half years? Hell, three weeks versus two months, even...not even remotely in the same boat. She's barely ovulated, if she's lucky. Sometimes people amuse me - I guess it's good I can laugh, even when I probably shouldn't.

My own results are back

And it turns out I have a herniated disk! This explains the pain for sure...and the numbness. I am waiting to hear back from my doc about what we're going to do. They mentioned a "spinal specialist", along with the words "injections" and "physical therapy" to Aaron...and for me to call them back. Which I've done. Repeatedly. They just aren't returning MY calls.

So that's my saga. Sounds like IUI is on hold indefinitely until I can get this taken care of.
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Update: Got in touch with my docs office. I had the option to do physical therapy or go to a neurologist. I have already tried the p/t route with very little success and the thought of anyone touching my back with the intent to fix makes me want to cry. So I opted for the neurologist person. The first appt is on 10/17 (do they really think I can like with this pain for another 11 days?!) at 1:30 in the afternoon, which is going to make me late for work. Good thing I have an understanding boss!

I'm terrified.

W00T!

Mom called - it's not cancer! WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was a fatty tumor, that's it! Aaron had one like that removed a few years ago on his back - they're no big deal. I'm stoked!

I won't hear until tomorrow about my MRI results. Instead of taking 30 minutes it took over an hour. They had to repeat a few shots because there was too much movement. Uh...hello? Back is spasming out, causing lots of pain...hence the reason I was there? What did they expect?

Ah well...tomorrow I have a music test and then I get my results, hopefully. More then!

It's been a while

and life is getting busy. I'll try to get you caught up without venting!

C39 started on Friday. Not sure why I keep counting-guess it's just habit now. Nothing going on this cycle, ttc-wise that is. Just the same old, same old.

On the 13th I have an appointment with a new doctor. He is an ob/gyn who also does infertility work. I have been reading a book called "The Infertility Companion" lately. It's really helped me deal with some crap...I highly recommend it to anyone out there who either IS infertile, knows someone who is, or who just wants to learn more about it. At any rate, it was discussing diagnostic testing and whatnot. It turns out that most physicians do not consider the workup complete without a laprascopy...which I have never had. I feel like my RE got Aaron's SA results back and said "Oh look-there's the problem. We'll just go with that!" and didn't bother to finish testing me. Of course, my RE hasn't exactly been involved with my treatment at all-I've met her once, talked to her on the phone once. I don't like that. At the very least I'll get a second opinion from the new doc about our results and treatment. At best he'll agree to do a lap on me-not that I'm anxious to "go under the knife", but it gets me KU then I'm happy.

On Thursday I have an MRI for my back. Last September I woke up in extreme pain, more or less unable to move. I ended up going to the ER because the pain was over my kidneys and we were afraid something was wrong with them. It turns out that it was deep muscle spasms...the kind you can't see or feel, really, but hurt like a MFer. I went to my regular doc, who gave me muscle relaxers and pain killers. Then a new relaxer. Then physical therapy. Well...last Sunday I woke up hurting again. By Monday I could barely walk again and it lasted a week. Aaron and I have decided that I need to find out what's going on. The pain strikes without warning, the spasms make me look like a marionette. The pain is increasing every time I wake up like this. It now streaks down to my knees, and my legs/feet have been going to sleep at random...even when I'm walking. Well...not to sleep, but to that pins/needles stage when they've BEEN asleep and are waking up. All of this leads us to believe something is wrong with my nerves-could be my scoliosis getting worse, could be my sciatic nerve. Either way, it needs to be taken care of (if it can be) before we get me pg. Depending on Thursday's results, TTC could be on hold indefinitely.

My brother is being an ass and I could gladly kill him right now. I won't go into details here, but if you really want the full story let me know. Suffice to say he seriously pissed mom off and I hope he gets shanked.

Speaking of mom, she had to have another biopsy on her left breast on Monday. Last week the docs saw something on her mammogram...same spot, same breast as 3 years ago when she had cancer. So they biopsied it, removed it all...and we'll find out later this week if she has breast cancer again. If she does, they can't do radiation because they've already done it on that breast. She already had an appt set up with her cancer doc for 10/10, so she'll discuss treatment options then. It will probably be either chemo (like she had for the ovarian cancer two years ago) or a masectomy. Mom says if she has cancer again then she wants my sister & I to come down on the same weekend and be involved with the treatment selection. I do not want to do this. My sister pulled a major guilt-trip on mom, out of my hearing, when mom had ovarian cancer. She told mom that if she DIDN'T go through chemo (which mom didn't want to do) then she could explain to my youngest nephew why she'd rather die. I could have beat my sister at that point. How could she be so selfish? I mean, I don't want mom to die by any means-I'm not ready to be without my mommy, but to be honest I don't think I ever will be. However, I am not selfish enough to demand that mom do something she doesn't want to do, go through a terrible treatment that is going to be hard on her or (in this case) possibly live without her breast...just so I can have her around to talk to every other day. It has to be her choice and I will stand by her, against my sister and the rest of the family if I have to. And if my sister tries to pull the same shit again I plan on yelling at her until mom makes me stop. Mom says she doesn't understand Michelle's reaction-Michelle isn't even involved in mom's life much anymore. Mom hasn't seen "the boys" for over a year-mom talks to me every other day! And yet I'm the one willing to live without her if I have to-I refuse to ask her to do something for my sake.

Ok...I know I said I wouldn't vent but I couldn't help it. My siblings are both angering me to the point of violence. I hurt-a lot. I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do to fix any of this. I'm a control freak who currently isn't in control of anything. If you've read through all this...thanks. I appreciate it. I'll try to update after Thursday, when I get my MRI and mom's cancer results.