Silence

I apologize for being so quiet now that I've had Colson. Those of you who've had newborns probably know what I'm going through right now - the need for sleep above all else. Hygiene has gone by the wayside - who needs to shower when I could use that time to get 20 minutes of sleep? Eating - what's that? Of course, I'd love to eat, since I'm hungry, but every time I eat it comes right back out the other end. That's assuming I can get the food down in the first place. I started a new med and the side effects are not pleasant for me. "Intestinal discomfort" doesn't begin to cover it, and I keep having the feeling that I'm going to puke. Pharmacist says it will go away after about a week, but seriously...I can't take care of a newborn AND be in the bathroom every 20 minutes. It just doesn't work like that, and skipping the bathroom is NOT an option. I'm sure I'll figure out how to go and take care of Cole at the same time, but I haven't done so yet.

Cole. I love this child. I do. I just wish I could understand him better. As in, understand his cries, what he wants/ needs/how to fix whatever it is. Dad keeps telling me I have to learn to let him "cry it out" once I've tried food, clean diaper, and holding. Just put him in the bassinet and walk away for 20 minutes. He was apparently never a new mommy! Even Aaron has an easier time of that than I do - why is that? I have to time it, and as soon as that 20 minutes is up, in I go. Or sooner, if I just can't handle it. I get conflicting information - you can't spoil a newborn, but I shouldn't go to him every time he cries or he'll learn that I'll come when he cries and I'll get no peace. Which is it? Go to him or ignore him?

I know, it's all a learning process. If Dad tells me one more time "It's all new to you and it's all new to him and you're both learning", I might scream. He's been calling me every day to see "how it's going", meaning "have you lost your shit again or are you doing better". See, he was here the beginning of this week for 2 1/2 days, and every day I completely lost it around the same time. Cole gets really tired around 5pm, and proceeds to fight going to sleep. He sleeps just fine during the rest of the day, but at that point, he just fights and fights. Me, having had him home for all of 2 days before Dad came, didn't know how to handle that so well - still don't, but I'm learning - and would burst into tears of frustration because I couldn't FIX it and I didn't know what was WRONG but my baby boy was crying and angry and I was FAILING and didn't he underSTAND that? My poor dad - he doesn't handle hysterics or emotions well to start with, and he's had 33 years to look back through those rose colored glasses and see how "easy" it is to just let him cry, to know what's wrong. I don't think he really remembers what it was like when I was a newborn, or else mom dealt with it all.

So that's what's been going on. Me, fighting PPD and trying to get sleep. Aaron, taking over the care of Cole as soon as he walks in at night because I just can't deal on my own anymore. Dad driving me batty, as usual. And Cole learning what it's like in this world and how to express himself in a way that gets what he wants across.

Picture post!

I have a whole slew of pictures of Colson already - yay for cell phones! Here are a few, so you can see what he looks like, and tell me if you think he resembles his father (the nurses and doctors do, Aaron says it's just the hair).

Birth story!

Colson Xavier joined our world via C-section at 10:22 pm, April 4, 2011. He weighed in at 7 lbs, 14 ounces and 20" long.

I was induced for the second time at 6:00 Sunday evening. They started me on the Cytotek, and all was going well, until about 3am. At that point I hadn't really progressed a whole lot - I think I was at 4cm, up from 3, but effacing at a good pace. Colson, however, was not terribly pleased with the Cytotek this time around, so they started me on the Pit. This apparently did much good, because at 8am Monday morning my doc was able to break my water. I was expecting lots of pain, as I had been told by friends, but there was NONE - just lots of fluid going everywhere. Colson had managed to poop in his water so THAT was fun - EW!

I proceeded to labor along nicely, making small bits of progress. Around noon, I asked them if I could go in the Jacuzzi, as I was about ready for my epidural but SO wanted to get in the water first. This request earned me THE most painful part of labor and delivery, even now. The source of that pain? Internal monitors. They put internal monitors in so I could go be in the water, since the other monitors can't go there, and the process of those + contractions = me gripping Aaron's hands and sobbing, while trying to relax. Bet you can guess how THAT went...

Anyhow, into the Jacuzzi for a little over an hour or so, with my fabulous husband sitting on the edge behind me and sponging my back, stroking my hair, etc. My doc showed up around 1:00 to talk to me, check on me, give me a layout of the day. When I got back to the room I had them give me the epidural - it had, at that point, been 5 hours since they'd broken my water and I was getting tired. I needed to sleep, but couldn't with the contractions like they were and they were just plain old really starting to hurt. Enough to curl my toes! They brought the lady in, I explained my spine to her, and she seemed relatively confident that she could do it. Aaron said "It's extremely discomforting having someone poking needles in to my wife's spine." Especially when aforementioned wife is gripping your hands, head down, eyes closed, and flinching or saying "ow - pain here, pain there". 


Once the epi was in, I slept for about 3 hours. I couldn't feel a thing from about mid-abdomen down, and trying to move was laughable. I felt like a marionette with the strings cut! We did another cervix check around 6, and I was dilated to a 6 and fully effaced. We did another at 9...and there was no change. Colson, however, was starting to have heart issues. He was dipping too low with the contractions, which indicated cord compression. They made the call do a C-section at 9:30, after consulting with my doc. He showed up around 9:45 or so, they got me prepped, wheeled me in. Aaron showed up a few minutes later, once they were ready. And voila - baby at 10:22. They cleaned him up and gave him to Aaron, who took him to recovery room. I had Aaron warn them that I was going to puke soon, and not 5 minutes later I did exactly that. Felt much better afterwards!!

I was in the OR until a little after 11 but still couldn't hold him because I was shaking violently as a result of trauma. adrenaline, pain and adrenaline. I watched as my husband fed our son a bottle of formula, because his blood sugar was low and we needed to get it up quickly. Didn't happen - or rather, it did but it didn't stay up. Even after a second bottle feeding he was still low. When he was burping Cole, it came out his nose. I told the nurses then to look for a tiny cleft in the soft palate, as every boy born to the females in my mom's line have it. In between them, aaron got to change the first diaper - Meconium ahoy! I forgot to tell him about using the dirty diaper to get stuff off - went through about 6 wipes trying to clean our son! At 2:30 they ended up taking Colson to the NICU for an IV feed and observation. 

He's been there all day - and lo and behold, they finally found the hole I kept telling them had to be there. The doctor person up there came down to talk to us around 10am. Apparently I will not be able to breastfeed him, but I CAN still pump and feed it to him. They are working on finding the right nipple for him so that he can eat. We will apparently be able to get this fixed when he's a year old, which is fine as long as he is able to eat in the meantime! We are still waiting on the results of the hereditary blood disorder blood work, to see if he has it or not. The tests have to be sent all they way to the Mayo Clinic in order to be diagnosed! Hopefully we will know very soon.


I should be getting released on Thursday, but I don't know when Colson will be. They say it depends on how well he eats, if we can find the nipple, if his sugars stabilize, etc. If he's not ready when they kick me out, I get to be in a "transition" room in the NICU itself. That would allow me to be able to feed and care for him without the separation of being at home and hospital. I will update as I know more about what's happening.


In the meanwhile, I apologize if this is rambly or doesn't make sense. I'm on Percocet and keep falling asleep while typing - hard to see what you're typing when your eyes are closed and you're out of it. Once I get the pictures hosted somewhere I will post them for your smiling pleasure!

We have a PLAN!

An honest to god plan that involves coming home with this child on the outside!

Tomorrow evening, 6:00 PM, I am to report to L&D for induction. They are going to start me on the Cytotek and see what happens. If I progress by morning, they will move me on to the Pit to try and keep it going. If I stall out on the Pit, they will do a C-section. If I don't progress by morning, they will go straight to a C-section. Doc promised me that I would not leave the hospital without a live baby in my arms. It was all I could do not to laugh at him - one should never promise that anyone will have a live baby!

I've been talking about that a lot with Jess of late. I'm absolutely paranoid, because they're taking so long to get this child born, that he's going to die before I get to see him. Last night was the worst - I was so upset after the doctor not giving me a plan, and depressed because I didn't know how much longer I had to go, and paranoid that Colson is going to die in utero or be stillborn, that I was on the verge of doing rash things around the house. Like...pack up the whole damn nursery because who in the hell cares if I have it when he's going to be dead anyways and I'd rather not deal with it when I get back from the hospital. Yeah, rash. I knew I was being overly paranoid, though, so I just sat and cried instead. And talked to Aaron. And Jess, who thankfully understood what I was trying to convey. I'd be so lost without her right now!

So for now, the plan for tomorrow consists of resting and eating as much as possible - doc says "I want you well rested and fed when you get here!" - and then taking the dog back out to my in-laws for them to watch her. Hopefully my MIL won't show up at the hospital until sometime on Monday - last time she was there ALL DAY on Sunday and Monday until we left to go home. I can't handle it. Even when she's just sitting and reading, having someone besides Aaron in the room for a long time like that is draining on me. My dad is planning on coming up Monday when he gets off work and staying until Wednesday - is it bad that I'm hoping I have to have a C because it means they'll keep me in the hospital longer? *bad daughter* I will update with the birth story once I have it and can see straight again. For those who read who have me as a friend on FB, you'll see the basic update there first, as Aaron has access to that. Might have him post here too, if he's not also exhausted.

Thank you for all the prayers and well-wishes that you've sent so far. I think it's one of the few things that has kept me "sane" over the past month.

FML

Just got back from seeing my doc for what SHOULD have been a well-baby visit, but was obviously changed to an OB visit. I have made ZERO progress since Monday when I was released - still at a 3, still 75% effaced, still at a -2 station. I have managed to gain 4# in the last week - I haven't gained weight that fast this entire pregnancy! I'm retaining fluid like a dam, my BP is up, and I've been semi-throwing up in my sleep. All of this reeks of eclampsia to me, but baby is happy so they aren't worried.

As for a plan? At this moment we still don't have one. Doc is going to call the hospitalists, see what they want to do. Do they want to try another induction? If they do, and it fails, are they going to be willing to do a C-section? I refuse to be sent home again only to come back in another week to try again. I'm already a week over, and he told me he didn't want me to get this far...and yet, here I am. Do they want to skip the induction (which, IMO, isn't going to work anyways) and go straight to a C-section? Doc doesn't want to do that necessarily, but he also doesn't see any point in putting me through the induction torture if they don't think it's going to work.

I am...furious. Mostly because I'm frustrated and helpless. I feel like everyone is sitting around twiddling their dicks while my child stays inside with no intentions of coming out. I know the stillbirth rates - and the longer he stays in there, the higher they get. If he dies while they sit around trying to figure out what they're going to do instead of just DOING something, I am seriously going to sue the ass off of several people. That includes my wonderful doctor that I love so much but am very frustrated with right now. IMO, he should be making the decision, not talking with the hospitalists to decide what to do. HE is my doctor, THEY are not. Yes, they are at the hospital and yes, they will assist as needed but they should not be the ones making the decisions about my care. For now I wait...even more. Doc says I will hear from him in the next 24 hours. I'm not holding my breath.