The Innocence of the Past

Aaron's oldest nephew and his pregnant fiancee moved in with us last week. It hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be. It's actually kind of fun having her around! It helps that she's not a tiny girl with a perfect preggo belly and she doesn't really glow. She's also almost to her 3rd trimester, so she's not throwing up or totally exhausted either. A little emotional, but that's ok.

At any rate, the day after they arrived Wilma and I took her down the the welfare office to get insurance and food stamps. Neither she nor Chuckles are working yet, but they need FOOD. :) I was talking to them about the killer heartburn I've been having for the past week and how tired I am. Wilma knows me well enough to know that this is a common state of being for me - my body likes to play tricks on me and give me preggo symptoms - so she didn't think anything of it. I have forgotten what it's like to be innocent, however. Later that night, while I was in another room, Giggles and Chuckles approached Aaron and said "So Jen said a few things today..." to which Aaron promptly started panicking "Oh shit...what could Jen have said that would have offended Giggles?" Apparently, they think I'm pregnant! Just based on the things I'd said. :) Aaron had a very hard time not laughing as he explained to them that I go through this every few months - my body pretending it's pregnant long enough to screw with my brain, only to have AF show up later. I told this to Wilma and she laughed so hard she almost fell off her chair. She said "Oh I love how with ALL THEIR 19 YEARS of experience, and 6 months of being pregnant, they can tell you all about your illness".

This made me think. Was I really this innocent once? Were any of us? Do we remember the days of poking and prodding our boobs until they were sore, just to see if they were sore? Of analyzing every twitch and twinge and random occurrence, wondering if it meant we managed to get pregnant this cycle? And I thought...and I remembered...and I realized just how bitter and jaded I've become. Once upon a 3 years ago the presence of heartburn would have made me smile...now it just makes me curse my body for trying to mess with me. Tender breasts would have made me cringe but wonder...now I shrug it off. Exhaustion was another of my friends...now I try to blame it on what's going on in my life. How did I get where I am? Was it voluntary or necessary to survive the onslaught of monthly disappointments? Is it possible to experience the thoughts I once had without also saying "Don't kid yourself. Don't get your hopes up. You know AF is just messing with you..."

Once again, I find myself riding a rollercoaster. AF usually arrives between CD23 & CD25. Today is CD26. I have had cycles as long as CD28, but I can't afford to wait that long this time. If AF doesn't arrive today and isn't there when I wake up, I am testing tomorrow morning. I am having a root canal done on Thursday and as much as I need to have that done and thus don't want to test until Friday, I can't in good conscience have it done without testing first. Part of me hopes I am - I'd be in good company. Part of me thinks "That's what I get for mocking Giggles like that!" Part of me hopes I'm not...and the other part of me is trying to be giddy while not getting knocked down by the rest of me. I'll only post in the morning if it's a positive...just like most months when I test. :)

Please say a prayer for Baby Blues as she's testing in the morning too.