I'm learning! I'm learning!

In English class we have been assigned an essay of at least 8 pages on an experience, the questions it brought up, and our inquiry into finding the answers. I'm sure you'll all be shocked to learn that I chose my experience as TTCing and being told we're infertile. :)

I figured I could easily write this essay with my eyes closed. And then...then I found out we have to actually RESEARCH the paper. Funny that - having to research an essay in a research writing class... At any rate, I have to use 5 outside sources. I'm 4 pages in and have 7 sources so far.

I've been looking up actual infertility figures and how they compare to other things, as well as treatments and how they compare (just to give people a better picture). HOLY SHIT, people! I knew that it was a good amount of people, and it was expensive...but the research shocked even me! Did you know: Infertility is up from 10% in 1995 to 12.5% in 2002? The national unemployment rate is only 4.7% - infertility is 2.6 time as prominent as unemployment, and yet they make such a huge deal out of. Did you also know that the average cost for one round of IVF is $12,000?! For that price I can buy a 2006 Kia Rio! I think of the people who have done 4-5 rounds of IVF - they could own a fleet of Kia's!

I can't wait to get this paper done - I am going to find a place to host it and link it here so y'all can read it. I'm aiming for 12 pages so I don't want to actually post it here...but I'll try to link it.

As for TTC stuff - we're in limbo. We still haven't decided if we want to do IUI next cycle or not. If we do, we need to decide if we want to do an injectible cycle or just stick to the clomid. I don't know - I'm still struggling. I always said only once - and now Aaron wants to do it 3 times. If it didn't work, it didn't work - I give up. I agreed to do another in December because that's when we told everyone we would do it - but do I want to do one in October too? I just don't know.

Has anyone got a rock I can hide under?

Today is going to be one of those days. I just found out that one of the girls I used to be on JSO with has lapped me. She had a LOT of trouble staying pregnant and we were all completely thrilled when she carried her daughter to term. Her daughter is only 4 months old, and she just announced that she's pregnant again.

I feel like someone socked me in the stomach.

Don't get me wrong - I'm stoked that she doesn't have to go through what she went through last time to have her daughter. But still...why? Why her and not some of the rest of us? Why can't those of us who have been TTC for SO LONG have at least one before we get lapped by our sisters? I know that one you have a hard time getting pg the thought is "well, I had such a hard time, and needed so much help last time, there's no way I'll get pg on my own." I've heard it time and again - from cousins, sisters, SIL's, friends, strangers...you name it, they've said it. But man - it still sucks major ass.

Some days the thoughts just get to me. Like: One of the girls on ITSG had an IUI with a 3-4% success rate - and it worked. Aaron and I had a better success rate than that - and it didn't work. Why not? What did I do wrong? Sometimes I think even another chemical would have been better than nothing - at least then I'd know I could get pg and it worked...it's just that something was wrong. But no - nothing. Why do some people get pg when they don't want to, and those that do want to can't? What makes those others so damned special that they get my dream and I get left with nothing?

I am too raw to deal with this anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to do something. I can't keep doing this month after month after year with no success - I just can't keep it up. It's getting way too hard to see my friends succeed, and to cheer them on from the sidelines. I'm getting more and more bitter and withdrawn, and it's not healthy.

Man, what is UP with me lately?

I guess it's true what they say about clomid. It stays in your system for 6 weeks...and they don't call it cloMOOD for nothing. I have been seriously hormonal for a week now. I am not taking it this cycle, as I want my body to have a rest and NOT get cysts. However, I feel like I'm constantly PMSing (which I'm obviously not, since today is CD7). I've been crying all day - over a mess I made on a forum, trying to help DH with the kitchen and being in the way, over an English assignment. I've been tearing up at regular old books, songs I've heard dozens of times, commercials on the TV. This is not me. I don't cry like this.

I just feel emotionally raw. And overwhelmed. And frustrated by what isn't overwhelming me. I want to scream, throw things, rage at the world. I feel like no one understands, even though they do. I feel alone, even though I'm not. I want to make the world understand, and I can't. All I do is make a mess, make everyone mad at me...which only makes me cry more, try to make them understand more, and make them angrier at me. Vicious cycle, that.

My poor husband is "baffled boy". He doesn't know what to do with me. His wife is behaving oddly and he can't fix it. He doesn't understand that I don't want him to fix it, exactly. I want him to support me. Instead he just says "Don't read those things that upset you. Ignore them." He doesn't understand that I can't - I have to respond. I am driven to educate people - and it makes me sad when they don't/won't understand.

I am consumed by the desire to spare others the pain of comments that cut to the quick, even when they are intended to help. I know that people don't MEAN to be insensitive, that they feel the need to say something - anything - to make the person who hurts feel better. Sometimes it would be better if they just didn't say anything, or just hugged them. If you, dear reader, come across someone who is suffering from something...stop and think before you open your mouth. Put yourself in their shoes, just for a minute, and think how your words could be interpreted. That's all I ask - and I realize it's a big thing to ask.

I'm sorry if I've upset anyone with today's post. Like I said before, I am emotionally raw. Between the hormones, and my english essay that I am researching (probably about 12 pages on infertility), I don't feel in control. My usual filters are gone, and I feel very lost without them.

We're on a roll baby!

Today is C38, CD1. If this cycle goes the way they normally do, AF should arrive again just after our anniversary. That puts CD3 of C39 on October 1st. Everyone cross your fingers that October is our month.

I think my mom figured out what we did. I didn't tell her, but I think she knows. But that's ok...she also knows that my period started, so she also knows it didn't work. And I don't have to deal with her being upset, because I don't know for sure that she knows. :) It all works out in the end.

I think I have cysts left - AF is in the house but my ovaries hurt. This is not a good sign, but it IS one of the reasons we decided to go EOM on the IUI. I don't want cysts to put me out of commission, and if I do have them I want them to have time to go away so I don't have to miss the next month.

The results are in

and since I'm posting you already know the answer.

It didn't work...not pregnant.

We will not be doing this again next cycle, but DH wants to do it the cycle afterwards.

Thanks for the support and prayers - please keep DH in your thoughts. I think he's more upset than I am right now - I wasn't really expecting this to work.