Yes, I'm a terrible updater, but you already knew that. I intended to chronicle every week of this pregnancy, but you can see how well THAT worked out. I could blame several things, but the real reason is...I don't know what to say. When I talk about how the pregnancy is going, I feel like I'm complaining. A friend actually said "all she does is complain about being pregnant", which...isn't really what I'm trying to do. Being pregnant is WEIRD. Just WEIRD. There are so many strange things going on, like feeling movements and kicks that feel like my stomach flipped (like it does when you're nervous) to Smallfry having the hiccups, to all the usual pregnancy stuff that goes on. A running commentary is my style when hanging out with people, or when something is going on in my life, and to be told that I'm complaining makes me just clam up. I've come here and stared at the blank screen many times in the past 7 months, but I can't bring myself to write anything.
Well...at least I'm going to try and write something today. If it seems like I'm complaining about anything, just don't read me. Especially don't do so if you're one of those who thinks infertiles don't have the right to complain. (Oh hey, starting point!) I am so tired of hearing "You wanted this" any time I mention something hurting, or feeling yucky, or having no energy (thank you fibro!), or just being tired. Why, yes, I did want this - does that mean that I don't still have the right to experience pregnancy as every OTHER woman who wanted this? I mean, a lot of people who have babies want them...yes? And they get to experience all the fun aches and pains and tired and sick? WITHOUT being told "you wanted this"? How is me being infertile any different - did I somehow want it MORE, and therefore don't get to enjoy it as much? I should "suffer" in silence? And on the subject of phrases I am so tired of hearing, "if you think it's bad now, just wait" is getting up there with the "just relax" of infertility. I mention being so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and I get "oh just wait until 3rd tri, it gets so much worse". Because, you know, I have a choice in waiting? Oh no, please let me experience that now, I don't want to wait! *eye roll* And being told to "breathe" any time I start worrying about anything. Yes, I know, my friends have been through this before...and yes, I remember them worrying about everything too. So why do I not get to worry? *deep breath* Ok, rant over...I think. :)
So: I started 3rd trimester on Monday. I'm still not sure how I got this far, but I'll take it. I definitely look pregnant, or so I'm told - I still don't see it from my "top down" perspective, but I see it when I look in a mirror or catch my reflection. I feel like I should be bigger, but eh...I'm sure that will come with time. Smallfry is measuring a few days ahead, but not enough for the doc to change my due date. I've only gained about 12 net pounds, but the doc is happy with that so I'm not worried either. I have my GCT next week, which I am SO not looking forward to. Even if I somehow miraculously pass the test, it's going to make me sick - it always does. Yay for the husband having the day off to take care of me! (I told him he didn't have to, he insisted...say it with me "awwwwww")
The rundown:
1st tri I was a zombie. 2nd tri I actually had a little energy and only needed 1-hour naps instead of 2-hour, and not every day. 3rd tri...I am not actually sleepy-tired, but I feel physically exhausted even when I don't do anything. Still not needing naps every day, and the naps I DO take are anywhere from 45-minutes to 2-hours, depending on how I feel when I wake up. I start with the shorter one and if I wake up groggy and disoriented, it's back to sleep I go. It's been hard to get used to this kind of tired, where I don't really want to sleep but I feel exhausted. The fibro has been gearing up thanks to all the wet weather, so that really isn't helping much. Smallfry has been really active of late, with lots of hiccups and movement. Monday he hiccuped so much it was starting to hurt ME!
Over the weekend, Chuckles came to stay with us for a few days on his way to see Giggles, who just had their 3rd child about 6 weeks early. He bought us a crib! Why? Because we bought THEM one when their first child was born, and he's in a position to "pay it forward" essentially. So yay - good deeds paid back, and Smallfry has a place to sleep. Not only that, but Chuckles was meeting one of Giggles old friends for lunch and when he told her that he bought us a crib, she asked if we needed a changing table, because she had one she was trying to get rid of! So we have one of those too. :) I'm all excited! Last night one of the husbands' old friends came by...and brought me a BIG gift bag full of baby clothes in all sizes, as well as a few "mommy gifts". :) Maybe some day I'll actually get pictures taken of all the stuff we've gotten and get them put up on our baby site.
I'm also scared these days. I have roughly 87 days until this child is born. I feel like I'm on a "trial period" - you know, like when you start a new job and they have you on a probation period? Yeah, trial period until I become a parent. :) I know my life is going to change dramatically, but I don't really know how. I don't know what his sleeping habits will be, or how often he'll want to be fed, if I can even breastfeed, how much direct attention he'll need or if he'll be an independent child. When do I start buying diapers? DH says we should start stocking up now...but I have no PLAN. I don't know how many I'll need in what size for how long, how big this kid is going to be when he comes out, how fast or slow he'll put on weight, how long we'll need diapers, when he'll potty train (yes, thinking that far ahead because DH's plan is to buy a box of each size until we reach the top and then start over). How many onesies do I need? Blankets? Regular clothes? Do onesies go UNDER regular clothes? What kind of clothes do I need for a late-March baby? Will winter clothes and footie pj's be too warm? Am I going to go crazy after he's born? Will I be one of those moms whose PPD is so severe that I throw my child? Can I DO this (not that I have a choice at this point...)? Can WE do this? I'm terrified of the changes coming - I don't do well with a lot of rapid change, but I have no choice BUT to deal with this one as it happens. I'm just scared I'm going to mess it all up.
7 hours ago
4 comments:
Aww Tigger! Sending hugs your way!
I'd like to address your questions, kind of one at a time, so I apologize in advance if this gets long.
First, of COURSE you are entitled to complain, but I do understand the complicated mix of emotions being pregnant after infertility brings on (which is why my blog has been dark for.... so long I don't remember when I last posted!). Complain to those trusted few that will let you do so without judging you.
And, I'm sorry, but being infertile doesn't make pregnancy any less weird. Or miraculous, or wonderful - but it's still really fricking weird!
The symptoms you talked about (tired but not sleepy, achey, uncomfy kicks & hiccups) all seem right in line with what I had, too. WEIRD when we can start SEEING the movement from the outside. Cool, but WEIRD!
Yay on the crib and changing table! Those are definitely big ticket items, so it's great that you've gotten them out of the way.
As far as all the gear/diapers/panic setting in, here's my take, based soley on 1) advice I received, and 2) life with our almost 7 month old boy.
Gear: A newborn needs clothes to keep him warm, clean diapers, food. Yes, period. They sleep all over the place - sometimes where we want them to, sometimes wherever they close their eyes. Try not to stress too much over having it all.
Diapers: I was told to buy 1 or 2 regular sized packs of newborn diapers, and 1 BIG BOX of size 1s. It worked. The hospital sent us home with some newborn sized, too. That little stash was enough to get us through the first 3-4 weeks, and give us a little time to get used to it all. I'd be hesitant to go out and stock up on diapers because they can change size pretty quickly (mine was in size 2 by 6 weeks, size 3 by 3 months, and size 4 at 5 months where he still is today). Instead of buying them all, set aside the money so you don't end up with a giant stash of diapers he's already outgrown. The only thing I might change is the BIG BOX of size 1s... I'd wait until you decide what brand works for you & baby before commiting to 200+ diapers.
As far as clothing: sleepers are your friend. People will BUY lots of cute baby clothes for you... a RIDICULOUS amount of them! Nothing wrong with baby living in sleepers all day every day. FWIW, I'd say buy a week's worth in 0-3 month, and another week or so in 3 month. They may be a little big, but it gives you some time to do laundry on those days where you just CAN'T BELIVE YOU HAVE TO CHANGE HIM AGAIN!
Oh, your husband should be prepared to make late night runs to walmart or babies r us or wherever - for the oddest things. Breastfeeding didn't work for us, and it took some trying to find a bottle & nipple that boy would take. Just be prepared to send him to the store for things you never imagined, and at times you'd never dreamed of.
And hon, accepting that it's all going to be different in ways that you can't imagine is pretty much GIANT STEP 1. You can't plan for it all, so try not to make yourself crazy doing it. And try to remember to sniff the fuzzy little head, and touch the newborn skin, and just BE THERE. The rest will work out - I promise!
Having done the breastfeeding and having fibro thing, I will tell you what I wish someone told me- as none of my health care providers had a clue about it. We're more prone to vasospasms of the nipple and terrible nipple pain- I had reynaud's of the nipple. They all thought we had thrush and I didn't. Plus BF means you are the one up every two hours at night- and since we need some kind of rest and sleep to even maintain- it makes our pain worse.
I am not BF this time around, though I wouldn't want to discourage you either. I am starting Lyrica right away and it is not compatible with BF, and my husband is taking most of the night shifts.
People will buy you lots of newborn size baby clothes- but they go through those fast. For this girl, I bought a 5 pack of white newborn t-shirts, a newborn size picture outfit for the hospital, and a few pairs of pants. Everything else is 3 month size. Be sure to have a couple hats to wear, as newborns lose a lot of heat through their heads.
For sleeping, a onesie and a sleep sack should be sufficient for a March baby. I'd get two long sleeve and two short sleeve sleep sacks to rotate for cool and hot weather. Think of a onesie like a T-shirt. I usually pair a onesie with a pair of pants.
I've stocked up on some disposable diapers myself, though we use cloth half the time. Amazon.com has had some great deals on Pampers using subscribe and save, and I have a large box of newborn, size one and two diapers. My son is 2.5 and still wears size 4. I wouldn't get too many in large sizes quite yet, as you can;t really tell what size your child will stay in. My son is incredible skinny and not even remotely near the upper weight range for these. There are always great diaper deals throughout the year (if you read my other blog, I often post about them).
You really don't need more than one blanket to cover his car seat when you go out in cool weather. take the blankets from the hospital- they are the perfect size for swaddling. Newborns should sleep in a sleep sack or well swaddled, and not with a loose blanket. We have a whole drawer full that we've never used.
Amen to the IF thing. Come on, I feel like if we wanted this and fought for it (or paid out the nose for it, say) we DESERVE MORE to complain. Or hey, everything that comes out of your mouth just because it's a "wow that's different" comment? IS NOT COMPLAINING. My own (infertile!) mother actually told me that "hey, you got yourself this way on purpose!" when I was all "nothing fits I need new clothes!" and I was like...uhmmmm?? Yes, I still need some new clothes! And how is it better than someone who spent $0 getting there who can PROBABLY AFFORD THE CLOTHES EASIER? Suck. Me.
And yes, pregnancy, very weird. very very weird.
You are kicking my arse on the weight gain. I am totaling 2.5 lbs which is epic fail. AND I'M EATING LIKE A COW. Good night, I don't know what to DO!
Super score on the baby gear! Gotta love that! Cribs are expensive!
I'd not buy too much, you really have no idea how big baby will be (even with u/s's) and how fast he will grow. I'd say get a pack of small ones and then go from there. If you want to "stock up" just save the $$ in a "diapers" jar or something like that. I'd definitely NOT buy many in any size, or any in the top sizes. Ethan, say, still wears 4's, which is not the top size, and he's 3....so potty trained a child could well be by then (uhm, easily). Ava though has been in 5's forever (just at night) and SHE is the preemie AND the girl. Really, better to save the $$. And also then you're not storing 500 diaper boxes, those things are huge.
Also, don't stock up a lot of formula....kids are all different and all it takes is colic/reflux or slow weight gain to mean formula is changed. Same with breast-feeding supplies, you just never know.
In May when Ava was born she wore long sleeved clothes for a while until it got warm, so I'd say you def want warm clothes. However---I will say this and not everyone agrees---but the gowns are the BEST for pj's. Newborns have AWWWFUL poop esp if you BF them. Leaky, runny, terribleness. And I'm lazy, esp at night. Being able to just pull up the sleep sack type gowns and get to that diaper was ESSENTIAL. Seriously, it was.
Also, we used a lot of layering. Long sleeve white onesies over short sleeve onesies was good when we weren't sure what the weather would be like for that size period....and we still do this (though not onesies, lol). A pack will help make your choices larger.
ALSO I AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY with the sleep sacks. BOTH my NON GENETICALLY RELATED CHILDREN slept WELL. The swaddling is great for a lot of children, and anything that helps sleep is your friend (also, during the day? you want a swing. Seriously.).
PPD is something you really just have to take as it comes. Talk to your husb about it and tell him that NO REALLY you want him to TELL YOU if you need to get help, and don't feel like getting help if you feel off is stupid. Sooner the better on that one.
Here's my last words of advice---babies don't need that much, and they're not that hard.As they get older they need more, but you also have the hang of it better really by then. Don't stress too much about the changes, you'll roll with them fine because you have to...and it'll all be worth it in the end, even if for a while it's plum nuts.
Don't buy diapers now -- they take up a huge amount of space. Get yourself a gift card to whatever store you frequent, and add the price of a package of diapers each week/paycheck/whatever schedule you use.
And you're totally allowed to complain. Have you ever met a pregnant woman, IF or not, who didn't? Please. It's a fantastic experience, but fantastic does not always equal fun.
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