My mother, My sister, and Me

(cross-posted to Colorful Medication)

I got a call from my dad last week. My sister had her annual mammogram and an ultrasound of her only remaining ovary ( I don't know why the latter was done). They found a lump in her breast and a cyst on the ovary.

Fuck.

The tech told her to just wait 6 months and get tested again. In an uncharacteristic move, my sister actually disobeyed and went to her regular doc. Given family history (which her doc knows all about), the doc has decided to give it a few weeks and do the tests again. So...the Monday after Christmas, my sister is having another mammy and u/s. If the cyst is growing, they're just going to remove the ovary completely. My sister said she's not willing to risk a single cell remaining and have it come back like it did with mom. Of course, they did a total hysterectomy on mom too...but I won't point that out. I don't know what they're going to do about the lump - I guess it depends on size. If it's small enough, perhaps they can just remove it and biopsy it like the did with mom's.

I...can't go through this again so soon. Or ever. But really - it's barely been 13 months since mom died. I simply cannot deal with the fact that my sister might have cancer. And what if she DOES? What if it becomes not a "might have" but a "does have"? I can't go down there like I did with mom - my sister lives 8 hours away. Then there's the whole "I'm not exactly THAT close to my sister" factor. We're sisters, but we're not best friends. We've spoken...4 times? since mom died. Maybe. That's being generous. We just don't talk that much. We're 10 years apart, we didn't grow up together - I was 8 when she got married. We got closer when I moved out on my own, but still - we're not close. She didn't even bother to tell me any of this - I had to hear it from my father. And when I asked how she was holding up? She just told me about the appointment. I don't understand her in the least. She also has more than just her husband to take care of her - she has two sons, at least one of which will help out. The youngest...he's taking the route of my brother, so I don't count on him. But still. I just can't do this. I can't fathom the possibility of losing another family member to cancer. I...

Can't. Won't. Don't want to. The idea makes me want to go into a full-blown panic. I want to run screaming. I want to cry. I want to throw things. And this is all before I even have any answers.