Bitter much?

Some days I think I'm ok - and I think this is true for MOST days. I no longer have the urge to scream every time I see Wilma with her children. I no longer count the pregnant bellies I see in the store, or feel the need to point them out to Aaron by saying "Oh look...there's another one." This is not to say that I don't still look at babies wistfully, or get upset when I'm surrounded by child-talk.

Other days, however, I feel warped. I hide behind armor made of bitter and distilled anger and frustration. Case in point: We are currently studying the reproductive system in my physiology class. I could easily skip this section and probably still pass, but I'm going on the off-chance that I might actually learn something. Yesterday we were covering the female system. My professor (whom I dearly love) was trying to explain the ovarian cycle, and how ovaries and the oviduct work, and how they don't touch (which can lead to ectopic pregnancies and endo ending up in the body cavity). To demonstrate this, she had me make a fist and hold up my arm. Y'all - I got to be an ovary. My first thought? "Well, at least my ovary has SOME use." I was slightly shocked at my inner voice, but then thought "well, that's about normal for me these days."

You see, instead of getting angry or sad, I just turn sarcastic and bitter. It works for me - hide behind the flippancy that still has a ring of truth to it. I do this with everything else medical that bothers me. I still remember going to a neurologist about the pain in my spine, and how random bits of my legs and feet kept going to sleep. He said "well, you're awfully flippant. It doesn't seem to be bothering you much." Dude...if it didn't bother me I wouldn't be here. I just can't face it fully on, because I'll work myself into a frenzy and come apart at the seams. It appears I've done the same thing with being infertile. It still bothers me, but if I can deal with it through being flippant...I'm ok.

Now if you'll pardon me, I'm going to go find something to wash the bitter taste out of my mouth.