Kicks to the Gut

There is more coming to my "Pardon Me, Miss" post, but I'll save it for another day. Right now...right now I have other things to whine about. Really, that's all this blog seems to be anymore - a place for me to whine about how life is unfair and painful and I'm tired of it. But really, that belongs in the Bitter post.

Last night I went out with Wilma and another friend to a place where you can paint ceramics. The company has the pieces already - you just go in, purchase one, sit down and paint it. They fire it for you and everything. Well, Wilma brought her baby, which is only to be expected since he's a mere 16 days old. Not that I can believe she brought her child out to a place where there are a lot of other people before he was 6 weeks old, but that's a whole other opinion that I should keep to myself. At any rate, I knew she was bringing him and I figured I could handle it for a few hours. I did.

Barely.

I almost burst into tears when she left. Had I not been in a public place with another friend, I just might have. I had watched Wilma interact with her baby in the only way that a mother can. To see that bond between them, to see her react to her child's cries...it felt like a physical kick to the gut. I tried to escape by going to get food, but she tagged along. There was no breathing room. No way to escape the pain. No way to express it.

It's odd...she doesn't see herself in the same camp as Giggles. We were talking about Giggles and Chuckles being in the house and how I don't want them there. I had mentioned that I really didn't want the baby born while they were still under my roof but that I don't really have a whole lot of say in the matter. Giggles is ripening and is also 37 weeks along - a few more weeks and she'll be having this child. I doubt they'll be out of our home by then. I've tried to convince myself that I just need to come to terms with this fact...but instead I find myself raging and crying a lot. Wilma says "You don't need to put up with that, Jen. They don't understand. Hell, Chuckles still thinks you can get pregnant. All you have to do is have lots and lots of sex, you know. ;) You don't need to have that in your life, and having a child in your house is going to be really hard on you." Funny, that. She doesn't seem to understand that it's just as hard for me to be around her now that she has another child.

The first one wasn't so bad...but we hadn't even gone to an RE yet. We were 7 months into trying when she announced she was pregnant the first time. We still thought we had a chance, that it would just take a little while. Now the second one has arrived and we know we're down for the count. This will not happen for us. Ok, so if I'm absolutely truthful, we have a 1% chance every month. Yes, it theoretically could happen. Yes, miracles do happen all the time. I can't live like that anymore. It's simply easier to say "It will never happen". Wilma doesn't understand that her second child is a lot harder for me to deal with than her first one was. Perhaps on his own, it wouldn't have been TOO bad...but his playmate will be along shortly. I feel like I just can't watch that bonding go on before my eyes, under my roof, every day and know that I will never have that experience. God, just writing this feels like a kick in the gut - I'm almost in tears.

Do you think my DH understands? A little. But he also thinks I'm being a little silly. He says "Honey, you can't resent every baby. That's no way to live your life." I said "I don't resent every baby. I see lots of babies every day and I do not resent them. I don't hate their mothers. I DO resent the ones in my life every day, the ones in my face, the ones that say 'see me? you can never have me.' Those are the ones I resent." Perhaps Aaron is right. Perhaps I am being silly. I can't decide if I'm in the wrong because I don't want to be forced to put up with this anymore or if I'm just being stubborn and being a victim. CAN I deal with this? CAN I put up with having a child in my home? Yes. Do I want to? No. So am I wrong because I don't want to force myself to deal with this if I don't absolutely have to? Don't answer that...it's more or less rhetorical. It's just another sign of my inner battle.