I am

You're The Sound and the Fury!

by William Faulkner

Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue, but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.


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Thanks to Snickolllet for the link.

The waiting is over

(WARNING: This post is angsty and possibly a bit graphic)

AF finally arrived last night around 9:30. She's still light, but the last two have been as well. I figured this one would be heavy, since the last two were light and this one is later than usual, but I'll have to wait and see.

I snapped at Chuckles last night. So far he's been slightly amusing where pregnancy is concerned. He lectured me yesterday on how to use a HPT and when the best time was - I tried not to look at him as if he were an alien. As if I haven't figured this out after all this time? I mean, yes I've taken tests only a handful of times...but I think I know how and when! Last night, though, was the straw. My period finally started and I rejoiced, because it meant I didn't have to test this morning (I hate it) and I could get my root canal done today without feeling guilty. He looks at me and says in all seriousness "You know Jen-Jen, you could still be pregnant".

I almost killed him. If Giggles hadn't been in the way I might have gotten very close to him to say what I said in response. As it was, I snapped "No, Chuckles, I'm not. I've been doing this for 3 1/2 fucking years and I can guarantee you that if my period started then I am not pregnant."

He said "But..." and I said "No. Not fucking pregnant" and he just pointed at Giggles.

Oh for the love of all that is sacred and holy! Have I not served my time? Have I not done what I could to educate every last person in my vicinity on what not to say? Have I not tried to de-bunk every fucking myth I've come across? WHY...WHY when I finally get the people in my life to stop harassing me with "just relax" and false hope do I have to do this again?! Why do people insist on believing that just because they got pregnant while on vacation in Jamaica that everyone who wants to be pregnant should go to Jamaica? Just because it sometimes happens does not mean it happens every fucking time. I'm fairly certain that infertility exists there too! And just because Giggles may or may not have had her period the first month she was pregnant does not mean that every other fucking female on the face of this planet will have her period the first month they are pregnant!

I don't know what to do with him. I refuse to let false hope exist in this household. I've served my time, I've had my pain. I have my own hopes (I tested, didn't I?) and I've learned to live with my period showing up, the blood representing my beaten and battered dreams flowing out for another month. My husband has learned what to do and say - and I don't think he's ever tried the false hope route. I've tested when AF is here at least once, because I was convinced that I had to have been pregnant and that this was just a fluke. I'VE BEEN THIS ROUTE. Please, God, don't make me do it again. I can't take it.

The results?

Negatory. Nothing besides the control line appeared. I was using First Response Quick Response, though, and I couldn't find any information on what HcG levels it tests. I went to POAS.com and they didn't have anything on it yet. Now I'm wondering "what if I used one of those stupid tests that doesn't measure until 25 or 50mil?" Ah the things that hope can do to us!

So...I guess I wait. Since I tested then AF should arrive in the next few hours. She usually does. She waits until I get my hopes up enough to test, gives me a few hours to fume and worry and wonder and then arrives to dash them against the rocks.

Please continue to send positive thoughts over to Baby Blues. She got a faint, faint positive and is waiting 3 days before she tests again. I don't know how she does it - I'd already decided that if my test was positive I was running to the doc to ask for a quantitative beta!

The Innocence of the Past

Aaron's oldest nephew and his pregnant fiancee moved in with us last week. It hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be. It's actually kind of fun having her around! It helps that she's not a tiny girl with a perfect preggo belly and she doesn't really glow. She's also almost to her 3rd trimester, so she's not throwing up or totally exhausted either. A little emotional, but that's ok.

At any rate, the day after they arrived Wilma and I took her down the the welfare office to get insurance and food stamps. Neither she nor Chuckles are working yet, but they need FOOD. :) I was talking to them about the killer heartburn I've been having for the past week and how tired I am. Wilma knows me well enough to know that this is a common state of being for me - my body likes to play tricks on me and give me preggo symptoms - so she didn't think anything of it. I have forgotten what it's like to be innocent, however. Later that night, while I was in another room, Giggles and Chuckles approached Aaron and said "So Jen said a few things today..." to which Aaron promptly started panicking "Oh shit...what could Jen have said that would have offended Giggles?" Apparently, they think I'm pregnant! Just based on the things I'd said. :) Aaron had a very hard time not laughing as he explained to them that I go through this every few months - my body pretending it's pregnant long enough to screw with my brain, only to have AF show up later. I told this to Wilma and she laughed so hard she almost fell off her chair. She said "Oh I love how with ALL THEIR 19 YEARS of experience, and 6 months of being pregnant, they can tell you all about your illness".

This made me think. Was I really this innocent once? Were any of us? Do we remember the days of poking and prodding our boobs until they were sore, just to see if they were sore? Of analyzing every twitch and twinge and random occurrence, wondering if it meant we managed to get pregnant this cycle? And I thought...and I remembered...and I realized just how bitter and jaded I've become. Once upon a 3 years ago the presence of heartburn would have made me smile...now it just makes me curse my body for trying to mess with me. Tender breasts would have made me cringe but wonder...now I shrug it off. Exhaustion was another of my friends...now I try to blame it on what's going on in my life. How did I get where I am? Was it voluntary or necessary to survive the onslaught of monthly disappointments? Is it possible to experience the thoughts I once had without also saying "Don't kid yourself. Don't get your hopes up. You know AF is just messing with you..."

Once again, I find myself riding a rollercoaster. AF usually arrives between CD23 & CD25. Today is CD26. I have had cycles as long as CD28, but I can't afford to wait that long this time. If AF doesn't arrive today and isn't there when I wake up, I am testing tomorrow morning. I am having a root canal done on Thursday and as much as I need to have that done and thus don't want to test until Friday, I can't in good conscience have it done without testing first. Part of me hopes I am - I'd be in good company. Part of me thinks "That's what I get for mocking Giggles like that!" Part of me hopes I'm not...and the other part of me is trying to be giddy while not getting knocked down by the rest of me. I'll only post in the morning if it's a positive...just like most months when I test. :)

Please say a prayer for Baby Blues as she's testing in the morning too.

Dashing about...

I should be leaving for physical therapy, but I'm not even dressed yet! So I'm dashing about, but I saw this video on another blogger's post today and wanted to share it. Grab your tissues and watch!