The agony and the irony

My life is one big pot of irony right now.

MAJOR TMI AHEAD! IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, STOP READING!!!

Based on an "earliest date" cycle, AF should have been here Monday. Crampy arrived, which sometimes happens the day before AF shows. I expected her to be here on Tuesday. While in Math class Tuesday, I swear I felt her arrive. Between Math and Spanish Lab, I ran to the bathroom and...nada. Not a spot, not a hint. I stuck on a pad anyhow, knowing that she would be there sometime that day. Several times I swear I could feel the blood...but when I checked, nothing. Last night I could smell it - you know how that happens from time to time - but nothing. Today? Still crampy. Still the royal bitch from hell. I haven't been THIS moody/pms-y in a long time. My uterus currently feels like it's own entity in there. But AF is not here, and I'm getting more and more angry with every passing cramp.

Does anyone else see this irony? We've been TTC for 3 years in February. I decided after last semester that I probably can't handle school and a pregnancy and that we were going to wait until I graduated to do any more treatments. For 3 years, AF has arrived within a few days of schedule, and never more than a day after Crampy the cat. Crampy's been around for 3 days now, and I'm ready for him to go away. For 3 years I've hated every cycle that's started over, because it meant another failure. This month, I took pains to avoid my O time so I wouldn't get pregnant...and now, now she's screwing with me. I have 3 tricks to make her show up, but can only do two of them because I don't own any white pants. I'm going to have to test...which is guaranteed to make her show up within the hour...or I'm going to have to break down and FD with Aaron tonight. That usually makes her arrive the next morning. I might FD and if she doesn't show, I'll test in the AM.

I realize that AF isn't officially "late" until next week. A stressful cycle, which this has been between school and mom, is usually about 28 days. It's the symptoms of AF that are killing me! I don't want them if I'm not going to get her too...that's not even remotely fair! The last irony is me complaining because she hasn't shown up when I'm usually bitching because she has - it just strikes me as several levels of wrong.

I'm sorry that I haven't been very good about posting. I don't have a lot to say other than "ACK! SCHOOL!" and that gets old fast. Thanks for still checking on me!

Biological IF hypothesis

This may not make sense to most of you, but I am totally stoked. Scan for the important details. If you're a biology person...what do you think?

Backstory: DH has spherocytosis. The lining of his red blood cells is too thin, so instead of being round it's spherical. He has had his spleen removed so it doesn't kill him. His mother, aunts, uncle, and sister all have it too. He also has morphology/motility issues.

I was in biology class today and we were discussing eukaryotic cells. Eukaryotic cells have a cytoskeleton that gives them shape and is also what causes them to be motile. (Anyone see where I'm going with this yet?!) Red blood cells, when they are created, are eukaryotic (although later they aren't). So the DO have a cytoskeleton. Sperm are also eukaryotic and have a cytoskeleton.

Dh's red blood cells are a funny shape. So is his sperm. He also only has about 51% motility. I am beginning to think that he has a cytoskeleton issue...causing both the blood disorder AND the infertility. His one uncle has spherocytosis and can't have kids. They've always assumed it's because he had the mumps as a kid. Maybe it's not!!! MAYBE THE TWO ARE LINKED!

There is no cure for spherocytosis. It's really rare. There is no cure for funky morphology either. I'm wondering...do the two share a chromosome or a protein? Could there be a cure for both, something no one has put together? I'm going to talk to my professor on Tuesday. Meanwhile...omg I'm thrilled at the idea. Even if there isn't a "fix", maybe there's a reason!!!

I've been lapped...

again.

Now, a disclaimer before I post: I am happy for my IF sister who has lapped me. Don't get me wrong. If your'e reading this, hun (and you know who you are), please believe that I am SO happy for you. I thank you for sending out a small Email before posting for the whole board. But you also know, having done this for many years, how hard it can be for those of us on the outside still. And thus begins my post.

As most of you know by now, Aaron and I have been TTC almost 3 years. It will be 3 years sometime next month - I don't know when I stopped taking my pills, because I didn't bother to count. I didn't think it would take THIS long. About 6 months into starting, I had a chemical pregnancy. At the time I didn't know what that was, and went in search of answers. I stumbled across the WebMD JSO board, where I made my home for a year after that. At the end of that year, I moved over to the 6+ board, and eventually on to ITSG/CFC board.

While I was on the JSO board I met a wonderful group of women. They eventually moved off the boards and onto yahoo, but have still kept in touch with each other. A new group of girls moved in, and I became friends with them. We all moved over to 6+ about the same time, and some of us ended up on the ITSG/CFC board and have remained a source of support for each other all this time.

I have now been lapped by two of my sisters. They have each announced a second pregnancy while I am still waiting for my first. I don't begrudge them their trials in getting pregnant both times - Lord only knows if I would be able to go through what they've gone through once, let alone twice. They deserve this. But...it's hard to be completely happy. I want to rage "Why?! Why not some of the rest of us who are still waiting for our first?! Why do others get to have more than one while some of us would be totally ecstatic to have just one?" Isn't there a queue somewhere, with God handing out babies to those in line? Are these other people just line cutters...or are the rest of us just not paying attention and missing our turn?

Sometimes I feel like I no longer have the right to bitch when others announce their pregnancies and I'm still waiting. It's not like I'm doing treatments anymore, and we know that without help we only have a 1% chance each month. I'm not using opk's, or temping, or eating the magical juju fruit. I'm trying very hard not to time sex anymore either - it's taking too much of a toll. I want my life back, but I want to be pregnant too. On the other hand, it would probably be for the best if I didn't get pregnant right now, since I'm trying to go to school. Doesn't mean I don't want it, doesn't mean I won't be thrilled as all hell if we somehow manage it. But if I'm not trying, really trying, anymore...what right do I still have?

Preggo Bloggers

It seems they're everywhere. I've been trying to read new blogs in the past few weeks, stemming from the creme-de-la-creme post I mentioned before. I've been visiting blogs, and going to other blogs from there. And it seems like almost every single damn one of them is pregnant, when I look at their current postings. It's a slap every time, too. These people wrote such heartwrenching posts at some point last year, about their journey and where they were and what they had gone through...and now they're pregnant. Is that the key? Do I need to make a soulrending post about my infertility and hope that the BFP Fairy takes pity on me?

I don't mean to sound bitter, but I think I am. It keeps feeling like I'm the only infertile blogger left - well, me and Wendy, and this guy's wife. Everyone else is pregnant, in one stage or another, and it's bringing to the surface all the anger I thought was gone. I thoughts I wasn't angry about not having a child, about the definite possibility that I will be 35 before I get to go through treatments again. I thought I was done being bitter that those around me seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, and that most of the people I know who are infertile are now joining the preggo world.

I guess not.

School makes me sick

Literally.

School starts up again tomorrow. For the next 16 weeks I'm going to be up to my ears in Biology (chapter 8 is on infertility and reproduction...WOO!), Spanish, and Math. I forsee lots of homework.

At any rate, I woke up this morning with a cold sore. A big one. On the left side of my upper lip. OWIE! I showed Aaron, who said "You had one of those at the beginning of last semester too." I did? If he says so...I can't remember that far back! It's been 20 weeks! At any rate, in the last hour I've started sneezing, my nose is draining, I feel all stuffy. Great. Sick for the first day of classes. So I asked Aaron "Was I sick at the beginning last time too?" to which he replied "Yes. You had a cold sore, were sick, AND AF was in the house. You're one step better this time."

SHHHH! Speak not the name of the foul witch! I don't put it past her to show up again, just to screw with me. I haven't even O'd yet - she showed up last Sunday so I'm only on CD9 of I've-lost-count-of-what-cycle-I'm-on.

I have most of my books. I say "most", because my Spanish books aren't on the website yet. I can't purchase them online. I just found out last night from a friend who works at the bookstore that all of the Spanish classes use the same bundle. I'm going to have to trek to the bookstore and fight all the people to get my books today. And I'm sick. I don't wanna!!! But I have to have the books. I'm really frustrated with my professor AND the department. The department, because they are the one who puts the orders in for the books...and the books may or may not be at the actual bookstore yet. The professor because there should have been an Email sent out, or a message posted on Blackboard (the program that most profs use to leave class messages and grades), or something to let everyone know that they needed to pick up the bundle. He doesn't even have Email so his students can contact him!!!

What kind of professor doesn't have Email in this day and age? He's teaching college students, for pete's sake. You know, the people who are firmly attached to technology of some sort all the time? A computer, laptop, beeper, cell phone, pager, PDA, 3 different messaging programs, etc? There should be some way to contact him...and there wasn't even a phone number.

Grah. I'm going to go play video games now, as this might be my last chance until summer (or spring break at the very least).

Healing

I am on a blogroll, created by the wonderful people over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. Recently, Mel asked for people to send in their best posts of 2006. The truly heartfelt posts, the ones that sum up something important to you. I've spent the last several days reading over these posts. You can find them here.

Over the past several days, I've found that I'm not alone. Not that I ever thought I truly was - I know too many of the girls over at WebMD for that - but even though I share so much with them, at times it seems I'm the only one to feel a certain way. I've read posts from husbands, wives, surrogates. Infertiles, pregnant after infertility, just starting out the journey. Those who've lost hope and have stopped, those determined to keep on, those who are taking a break and those who have chosen other options. Some posts are recent, some are from the beginning of last year. Regardless, they've all helped me heal in some ways.

I feel incredibly peaceful with my choices right now. I thank every single one of you who submitted your posts for being brave enough to share with everyone your most poignant post, for linking it where everyone can see. To the Town Criers, I want to say thank you for making the blog roll, and doing such wonderful things for the infertile community. I've learned of many new blogs along the way, and I wouldn't have found them without you.

To those who have left me comments - thank you. They mean a lot to me, to know that others are doing more than just stopping in, to know that my blog post meant something to someone. To my new readers - thank you, as well, for coming by. I hope you come back to see how things are, and if you have a blog I'll find my way there as well.

One of my bigger pet peeves in life

People who can't speak, type, or understand English very well who work in an occupation where these things are vital.

What's brought this on at the moment is this:

My company has an internal website, available via intranet only. I understand this. There are "employee offers" that are available to us, and some of them require the internet to access...which we do not have at work. Some of those offers have Insibeen made accessable, because the proxy has been changed to allow it (from what I understand of that stuff, which isn't much). However, some of the sites, like the bookstore that offers discount on Pearson books, are still blocked. I notified them of this issue last June, and still nothing has been fixed.

Here's where my rant fits in: I emailed the admin team yesterday, telling them all this. I asked them if there was a way to get the proxy fixed to allow access, since I couldn't access from work. The reply I got was that "Inside Teams site only use for work. If need link to the other web site, use this links: http://inside.ncspearson.com/
You may be able find what you need." I told the person that I tried to use that from work, and I went to the employee offers page, and when I clicked on the bookstore I received the "Page cannot be displayed" error. Could they please tell me if there was another way to access the offers, or fix the proxy? To which I received this gem: "You can not access from outside, because this is intranet means for internal use only."

Really? Are you sure? Because I think I have clearly stated that I am trying to access the offers from work and can't and would you please fix the fucking thing so I can because they are worthless as they are. I responded back with "I understand that I can only access the intranet from work, but these offers require internet and I can't access THOSE from work...which is the only place to access the intranet to start with. Could you please either fix the proxy or send me a paper way to access these offers? I hope that works because I am going to kill someone.

Dear lord, people - he doesn't seem to get that I understand very well that it's internal. I've been trying to access it from work. I can't. How hard is a request for help to fix the stupid thing to understand? Apparently a lot. At this rate I may end up calling the help desk...which usually isn't any help at all when it comes to this sort of thing...and asking them to please fix it.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

I might start becoming a BSU Bronco's fan after all. I have never cared about football, much, until I was given a reason to. If you aren't a sports fan, stop now and thanks for visiting today. :)

BSU attended their first bowl game ever last night. We went to the Fiesta Bowl as undefeated. We are still undefeated! In a very hard fought, and well played game, we won in overtime 43-42! ESPN called it an "instant classic" and "one of the more amazing games in recent memory". I like this story better, though. It's a rather moving peice...and tells the play-by-play of how one player asked his cheerleader girlfriend to marry him ON FIELD after the game. WOO! It's enough to stir me!

Aaron, Nomi, and Timm all gave me reason to care about the game. They told me "If they win, it's more money for the sports team. That means that the money currently going to the sports team from the college won't be going there anymore...which means that money goes back to the rest of the school. It also means more prestige, which means better majors, professors, and more students." So...selfish as this sounds, I'm glad they won because it means maybe my tuition won't go up so much! But dagnabbit - I might actually start caring. I can't believe I'm actually excited about the outcome of a bowl game...