My mother, My sister, and Me

(cross-posted to Colorful Medication)

I got a call from my dad last week. My sister had her annual mammogram and an ultrasound of her only remaining ovary ( I don't know why the latter was done). They found a lump in her breast and a cyst on the ovary.

Fuck.

The tech told her to just wait 6 months and get tested again. In an uncharacteristic move, my sister actually disobeyed and went to her regular doc. Given family history (which her doc knows all about), the doc has decided to give it a few weeks and do the tests again. So...the Monday after Christmas, my sister is having another mammy and u/s. If the cyst is growing, they're just going to remove the ovary completely. My sister said she's not willing to risk a single cell remaining and have it come back like it did with mom. Of course, they did a total hysterectomy on mom too...but I won't point that out. I don't know what they're going to do about the lump - I guess it depends on size. If it's small enough, perhaps they can just remove it and biopsy it like the did with mom's.

I...can't go through this again so soon. Or ever. But really - it's barely been 13 months since mom died. I simply cannot deal with the fact that my sister might have cancer. And what if she DOES? What if it becomes not a "might have" but a "does have"? I can't go down there like I did with mom - my sister lives 8 hours away. Then there's the whole "I'm not exactly THAT close to my sister" factor. We're sisters, but we're not best friends. We've spoken...4 times? since mom died. Maybe. That's being generous. We just don't talk that much. We're 10 years apart, we didn't grow up together - I was 8 when she got married. We got closer when I moved out on my own, but still - we're not close. She didn't even bother to tell me any of this - I had to hear it from my father. And when I asked how she was holding up? She just told me about the appointment. I don't understand her in the least. She also has more than just her husband to take care of her - she has two sons, at least one of which will help out. The youngest...he's taking the route of my brother, so I don't count on him. But still. I just can't do this. I can't fathom the possibility of losing another family member to cancer. I...

Can't. Won't. Don't want to. The idea makes me want to go into a full-blown panic. I want to run screaming. I want to cry. I want to throw things. And this is all before I even have any answers.

I feel bad...

I just went through my blog reader and deleted some blogs I've been following. Some because they never update anymore and some because they've simply gone in a direction that just doesn't work for me. The ones that don't update...well, I kept them around for a long time because if they DID ever update I wanted to know about it. There's one still there like that, because I'm really hoping that she'll come back. Really, really hoping. The rest...well, I don't know. I didn't really read them that long, so there isn't really a big connection. I still feel bad, though. I don't update that often, although I do at least update more often than once ever 6-8 months. I know I still have at least one reader (hi Jess!) and probably more than that, if statcounter is to be believed. That could just be people stumbling by, though. I know the people I removed probably won't miss me - it's not like I'm an "Iron Commenter" or anything, and I doubt many people look very often to see who is following them and who has stopped, and it's not like they're going to contact me to find out why I stopped and it's not like they follow me. I still feel bad.

As for those who went in a different direction...that happens. What started out as IF blogs turned into mommy blogs. Which is GREAT - don't get me wrong. That's the WHOLE idea - If turns to treatments turns to baby...right? Right! Most of the time, hopefully. And baby means mommy blogs. And some mommy blogs I can handle and I'm fine with and I like reading. But some I just can't. It's all about writing style. I think these bloggers lost me a long time ago, I just wouldn't admit it. I felt...obligated? to keep reading, because I started reading while they were in the middle of IF (or the beginning) and I owed it to them to keep supporting them until the end, whatever the end was. I just...don't fit anymore. *shrug* And I doubt they'll miss me. Again - not a big commenter. And they have LOTS of followers, so I don't think one will be missed.

I still feel bad. I feel like I should keep reading.

Restless Legs

I appear to have developed Restless Leg Syndrome on top of everything else, if my suspicions are correct. The last few nights I've been unable to sleep in bed because my legs are twitching so much. I've had to sleep in the recliner, where it takes me about an hour and a half to finally get my legs to calm down. Every 15-30 seconds they twitch and jerk - feels like I have something under my skin, or they're trying to cramp.

My father called while I was writing this and I told him about it (mistake, I know). He tried to tell me it's because of the work the chiropractor is doing, that because of the adjustments I can now feel the nerves in my legs. Um, dad? It's not like my legs have been dead for the past 32 years. They're just fine - I feel pain just fine, believe me. This? Not PAINful, just really uncomfortable. I feel like a marionette!

RLS isn't uncommon for people with fibromyalgia. According to this site, "Many people with fibromyalgia suffer from restless leg syndrome symptoms. RLS causes unpleasant sensations in the lower limbs, so much so that the limbs have to be moved in order to reduce the pain. RLS occurs mostly at night, between the hours of 10:00 pm and 4:00 am, though it can also occur throughout the day in severe cases. It is thought that somewhere between 20% and 40% of fibromyalgia sufferers also have RLS." Consider now that I get off work at 9:30 at night, go to bed at about 1:30 or so, and start having issues as soon as I lay down.

It seems odd that it cropped up at the same time I started taking meds for a UTI. I've looked into it and that's really not one of the side effects...so I really think it's just coincidence. I have at least another 3 days of the meds, so we'll see what happens when I stop taking them. If it continues I'm going to have to go talk to the doc.

Joy. I needed another syndrome. I wonder if that's my superhero name: Syndrome Girl

Safe spots

It looks like I might be posting more, maybe. Yeah, yeah, I know - I keep promising I'll write more and I never do. It's not because I have nothing to say, it's because it takes energy to write and I never remember when I'm already sitting here. I think about it when I'm at work, or laying down to sleep, or something.

So what's different this time? Well, Facebook has been a place where I could say things about certain family members and not have to worry about it. I could vent that my SIL is being a PITA, or my MIL is making me batty...and all was ok. My FB has become overrun with family. MIL, SIL, BIL, Chuckles, my BIL's sister, my MIL's BF and her DH (I am LOVING all these abbrevs!) and one of their daughters... there is no longer a place for me to vent.

Which means I just might have to end up back here for my own peace of mind! Provided they don't find THIS too...

Catching up...or not

I haven't written lately because there isn't really much to write about. I have a new job, working in a call center. I don't particularly like it, but I don't really hate it either. I realized last night that I may very well end up there for 5 years or something because I'm too lazy to look for a new job right now...and I really don't want to be there that long. Beggars can't be choosers, though, no matter what my father may think. I need a job, I need to pay the bills. Should we ever somehow become independently wealthy, I'll think about quitting. *snerk* Like that will ever happen.

I have stuff to rant about, but I'm not sure I really want to. It's more hashing about our sex life, and how angry I am concerning it, but really...it won't do anything to fix it. It's not something I can talk to DH about without making him feel guilty and I don't want to do that...and it's an old argument anyways, one we've been having in one form or another since we got married. I'm tired of it, and I'm tired of being upset about it, and I'm tired of him feeling guilty or abnormal. I wish we could resolve it, but I fear that will never happen.

Dad has finally stopped calling me every day, for the most part. It's down to every few days usually, and never anything to really tell me, he just wants to talk. I guess I'm ok with that...if only he'd listen when I say anything, instead of blowing me off or glossing over whatever it is. That will also never happen, as he's always done that to me...I can't decide if it's because I'm a girl, his daughter, or just younger.

I'm feeling a little off-center the past few weeks. Like something is wrong but I can't quite figure it out - not REALLY wrong, just off. I'm pretty sure it's just me, which means I can ignore it and it will go away eventually.

Other than all that, there really isn't anything going on. I'll write more about dad on the other blog, as it deals with mom too. I just wanted to let y'all know I was still alive and kicking, there just isn't really anything going on.

Job! OMG!

I didn't want to post about this until it was for sure, but...

I GOT A JOB!!!

Yes, you read that correctly. After 8 months of unemployment and 6 months spent looking for a job, I finally have one! I'll be working as an in-bound tech at this company, working on this company's products. It's not something I've done before, but I'm willing to try something new...as long as they're paying me, which they are. :)

I start in 6 days. My training schedule is just scary - 5:30 in the morning until 2:30 in the afternoon, for three weeks. My normal schedule, though? Absolutely peachy - 1:00 in the afternoon until 9:3o in the evening, with weekends off from the start. It couldn't get much better than that. DH is going to change his schedule once we know for sure when my real one starts (they mentioned a protected week, where I have lots of help available, but didn't tell me which schedule that was on) and he'll work 11-7. So we'll each have a few hours of "me time" every day (which he's been missing terribly) and yet still get to see each other every day too!

I'm so excited - we'll be all caught up financially in no time flat. The plan is to put some in savings every paycheck while still working feverishly to get our credit card paid off. Of course, even if I threw almost my entire paycheck at the credit card it still won't be paid off until next year (ouch!) but at least there will be breathing room. We also have a request in for a loan modification on the house and I'm going to be deferring my student loans for a while. Ok, so maybe things aren't going to be as easy as I'd initially thought (damn you, typing, for putting into perspective!) but still WAY easier than they are now.

But! I HAS JOB NAO! (yes, lolcat speak - deal with it, it only happens sometimes)

I've been reading...

a rather interesting web novel of late. It's not for everyone - I suggest only going if you are very open minded. But I thought I'd give it a shout here, just in case some of you want to go and read it too. :) I promise that I'll get around to making a real blog post some day - some are brewing, I'm just trying to ignore them.

Prologue | An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom | MeiLin Miranda

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Pocket Pet anthem

Anything that amuses me and cheers me up is a good thing, yeah? As such, I present to you "Nom! nom! nom!" - the anthem of Pocket Pets everywhere! The first time I watched it I thought "aww...cute!" And then? I watched it again...and again...and again...and, well, you get the picture. I bebop to it in my chair, it brings a smile to my face every time, and I catch myself humming it at random. Without further ado:

And the fun starts....*edited*

I remember taking 1500mg of Met before, and getting "fire butt" as someone from my old TTC/ITSG boards used to call it. What I forgot about? The nausea that strikes as soon as I up my dosage to a proper level. Why did I forget? Probably because I haven't been at the proper level since the first time I was dx'd.

Nausea. In my chest. Not my stomach - that feels fine. But...it's like my esophagus is nauseated. I breathe in just right and I can make it go away.

I'm going to go lay down and try to sleep. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not - I have a feeling the fun is just beginning.

*edit* I was both right and wrong. The nausea wasn't just in my esophagus, and it wasn't just nausea. Not 5 minutes after I hit post on the first part of this, I went to bed. Within 2 minutes, I jumped out of bed and threw up 3 times. So...perhaps no eating right after taking the pills. I don't remember that part from before - I hope this means that the met is going to work better. I was right about the fun just beginning though. Stay tuned for more Met drama!

Oh the irony...

History: DH and I got together 6 years and 4 months ago. Roughly 6 years ago I started a BCP called Cyclessa. DH and I got married 5 years and 7 months ago. I went off Cyclessa 5 years and 2 months ago. We started TTC, because we knew it might take a while due to family history. Sometime between then and a year and a half after starting our TTC journey, I was dx'd with insulin resistance and put on Metformin (hereafter referred to as Met). At the year and a half mark, I went to an RE. She did the wandy thing and said "Hey! You have PCOS! OH! And you're insulin resistant!" She upped my dosage of Met and we went on to a treatment that didn't work (that was 2 years and 8 months ago). Since that point, DH and I have been giving it the college try...and eventually I resigned myself to living childfree. I have been at that stage now for about a year or so.

Yesterday: I read this article which says PCOS women also have an increased endometrial cancer risk. The risk of ovarian cancer is increased 2.5-fold, particularly among women who had never used oral contraceptives. Breast cancer risk is not clearly increased with polycystic ovarian disease. Just what I needed - another thing that will give me the kind of cancer that killed my mother almost 6 months ago.

Today: I go to the doc for a med check. I've managed to gain 10 pounds since he saw me a month ago and the only thing that has changed has been my meds. He upped my dosage of Met to 1500 (bring on the fire butt, baby!) to see if it will work a little better. When I mentioned the article to him and explained the whole "PCOS and all appeared when I went OFF bcp last time", he put me back on Cyclessa.

You read that right. The woman who can't get pregnant...is on birth control pills. Not for cycling reasons, not to suppress my ovaries for a stim. An infertile woman...on bcp. I think the only thing more ironic would be if I GOT pregnant. *looks at the sky and waits for karma to come bite her in the ass*

Pour me, Poor me

I started typing this for Mel's Lushary but it took on a life of it's own and I decided to move it here instead. Some of this may be familiar, but I'm going into more detail because APPARENTLY it needs to come out. *Warning: this post may be viewed as a pity party. I just need to vent.*

I have fibromyalgia. Not severe, but enough to interrupt my life and make it next to impossible to do things - like stand for more than 5 minutes, lift stuff repeatedly, have energy. It's centered in my hips and lower spine, and there doesn't seem to be much docs can do. I'm on a new med for it, but don't know if I'll stay on it as I've somehow managed to gain 10 pounds in less than a month. I've already got about 60 extra pounds I can't manage to lose - another 10 does not make me happy. It's centered in my hips and lower spine, which makes moving difficult from time to time.

I also have scoliosis - abnormal curvature of the spine. I curve slightly left to right, but I curve severely from front to back. I have a large ass - and most of it is because my spine bends much farther in at the base of my spine, making my tailbone (and thus my "black girl booty") thrust out. I figured out last night that in order for my spine to appear as straight as most people's, I have to bend at a 135* angle. Having a double-curve makes life...well, interesting. The curves are not static - they are always changing in degree. It's painful, but I'm used to it - my back has been like this since I was 10 years old. Or at least, that's when I was dx'd with it. Mom thought I was just experiencing "growing pains", but when it didn't cease she finally took me in. The curves have never been severe enough to warrant a brace, but that may be changing. Unfortunately, I can't exactly afford to go to an orthopedic surgeon type person to get inspected. I don't think it's coincidence that the curves are worsening in time with the fibromyalgia and where IT centers. I think they're feeding off each other and there's natch I can do about it.

Before anyone says "if you exercise, the weight will go away", no - it won't. Go back and reread the previous paragraph. See that whole "not standing, not lifting, no energy" part? Yeah, that includes "no exercising", which requires some energy, the ability to lift something, standing, biking, aerobics. All of which cause pain and lots of it and I'm not talking about your normal "man I worked out yesterday and I'm sore" pain. I'm talking about "I can't get out of bed, I feel like I've been stabbed repeatedly, I can't move" pain that lasts for weeks. One day of trying to do yard work and not listening when my body warned me to stop wiped me for 3 weeks.

Aside from that, I have mild PCOS (just enough to fuck with me, not enough to actually warrant anything in the way of treatment) and am also glucose intolerant (since they usually go hand in hand). The doc I finally get to go back to now that I've graduated college and don't have to use their health center anymore is a wonderful, wonderful man who trusts me when I say "would you please up my dosage of Met because we both know that 500 doesn't do jack shit?" He upped me to 1000 at the same time he put me on the new med for the fibro (also at my request). I didn't have the s/e's that I expected, although I am finally hungry for the first time in eons. I'd say that's why I've gained weight, but everyone keeps telling me I need to eat more...and now that I am, I've managed to prove my theory that eating makes me fat.

I haven't worked since October, when I quit my job (that was dying) to focus on school and mom. I graduated in December and started looking for a job on January 2nd. I still don't have one. I had work through a "temp" company for 3 days, and the guy was supposed to have me come back, but he never has. That was in March. I had an interview about 2 weeks ago for a company that works with mentally ill people, but that didn't pan out either. The job market sucks monkey balls right now and it's seriously frustrating. I got this damn degree that all the companies wanted and now I can't do shit with it. I'm qualified to work in any office, if they'd just hire me goddammit. I've always been qualified - somehow I think 14 years in an office qualifies me - but couldn't get the "good" jobs because I didn't have a degree. Finances are tight - very tight. If anything changes (the SIL & BIL move out, my student loans come due) we're royally fucked. If things stay exactly as they are until I find a job, we'll make it. We've made it for the last 7 months...we can keep making it. That's not likely to happen, though. Loans are due in about 2 months, and the SIL/BIL were planning on moving out in August. One royal fuckage, coming right up!

When I envision my future right now, all I can see is myself becoming my MIL. Sitting around all day on the computer, watching TV, whining because I can't do anything without hurting myself, and generally being worthless to the household. I don't want to be like that. If I sit around on the computer all day, I want it to be by my choice...not because I don't have anything else to do. I never thought I'd get tired of spending 14 hours a day playing WoW, but I'm at that point. I miss being face-to-face social with people, laughing and joking and flirting. I feel broken - infertility aside. I have a brain that's always in a fog and a body that can't do what I want it to. At least I have a husband who loves me, and friends that support me.

Angry? It's all in your head....

*looks at the last post*
*reads about "getting anger under control"*
*falls down laughing*

I love how I can deceive myself so well. It turns out that the only reason I was calmer was because of the Cymbalta. I got off schedule with it during March and ended up just quitting. Within a week I was raging again, picking fights, being stubborn and ending up getting hurt. Getting so angry with my husband that I actually cornered him in the kitchen, screaming so loud I'm surprised the neighbors didn't hear us, and slapped at him a good half-dozen times. He easily fended me, of course, and it didn't hurt him...but...it's not good.

As a result, I marched my ass into the doctor, told him I was crazy as all fuck, and he needed to get me on something I could take at night. See, my morning schedule is never the same - I don't get up at the same time, I don't eat at the same time (or hardly ever, for that matter). My night schedule is the same though - take pills, go to sleep. So adding an additional pill to that routine is no big. Enter the amitriptyline again. I've been on this before. It works well for depression, chronic pain, and usually sleep. Only...after about a week or two, it stops helping me sleep. Not sleeping causes the pain and depression to worsen, thereby rending the pill almost worthless. So I quit taking it when I stopped sleeping. I have since decided that was stupid idea, and got the doc to put me back on it. That was March 26th - and as of 4 days ago, I stopped sleeping again. Ugh. At least I have some stuff to combat that now, so I'm going to keep taking "amy" and hope it helps. Huh...never did I think I would reach the point where I actually begged a doc to medicate me so I didn't "have a nutty" as Wilma puts it.

On a funny note: When I was leaving the docs office, he told me (semi-joking) that I am not allowed to commit any violent crimes between then and the time I next see him. That leads me to believe that I am allowed to be violent as long as it's not criminal, and I can commit crimes as long as they aren't violent.

So far, I think I'm ok. I did completely lose my temper the other night during a raid with my guild in WoW and bitch out a 13-year-old because he was doing stupid shit. I also happened to do that over voice, where everyone in the run could hear me. Talk about embarrassing! Of course, his father (who is our guild master) reamed me and then tried to offer an olive branch. I warned him I was in no head space to accept anything, but he kept pushing. I finally told him to f*ck off and put him on my ignore list. Not that smartest thing to do to your GM... *head desk* Lucky me, he knew I was on a tear and didn't boot me. I apologized to his son and everyone else who heard me the next day, and the GM when I later saw him. As I was talking to DH that night, while having a complete meltdown, we came up with the perfect mental image of what it's like when I'm angry: picture an octopus, sitting on it's underside, spinning rapidly in place with the tentacles flying everywhere, striking anyone in distance. DH has gotten very good at ducking and avoiding - says he's had a lot of practice.

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Request for information: I have a forum friend who is not quite 2 months pregnant. She sent me a message the other day that said "Can you think of any reason intercourse would HURT LIKE HELL right now, cuz of cramps? Like menstrual cramps, until I orgasm and then it's more like contraction cramps...moves from left-center to just center. Also, doesn't hurt much if I'm on top." I told her I'd put a call out for information, knowing that my readers (those die-hards who still check on me from time to time) are wonderful people who might be able to help.

Finding Me

I know I've been quiet. My other blog has been quiet too. There's a lot going on - a lot of it internal. My temper is finally getting under control. I realized this the other night when I intentionally lost it and yelled at someone. Not screaming, not raging - but I was seriously pissed off. Enough that I got out of bed, stalked to the kitchen, and yelled at my SIL to shut the f* up because we were trying to f*ing sleep and that it was after mid-f*ing-night and DH had to get up for work at 7-f*ing-o'clock in the morning and she should just f*ing shut it and take up the argument she was having with her s/o in the f*ing morning when they were both f*ing sober. I haven't cussed that much in a single sentence in a long time! (To her credit, she showed more brains than I would have when I was like her - she shut up. I? I would have transferred my rage.) As I was talking to DH about it afterward, I realized that I don't rage like I used to. I don't scream, I don't throw things. I still slam doors when I'm mad, but it's more like "shutting really hard intentionally" than "I have to do something or I will explode so I will SLAM this door as HARD as I can and make the windows rattle in their sills".

I was remembering many years ago and a conversation I had with my mother about tempers. She said "when I was younger, I had a nasty temper...much like you have now." I looked at her askance, having rarely ever seen my mother lose her temper and trying to reconcile that with someone like me, who rages blindly. Mom said "No, really. I used to go ballistic all the time. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I started to get a grip on it. Now I'm ok - most of the time." I figured my mother was yanking my chain. I mean..c'mon. I was a RAGER. There's no way to stop me, just let me wind down and run out of steam. I'd apologize once I calmed down. Don't take me personally unless you KNOW it's to do with you. I threw things. I developed a boxer-fracture in my right hand, which I broke in the same spot 22 times between the ages of 17 & 22. Only one of those breaks involved another person - most of the times it was walls, trees, dumpsters, benches... you get the idea. There was no WAY I was going to get a grip on this - I was sure I'd always be like this.

Now? Well, it occurred to me that here I am, in my 30's. (seriously? how did I get here?!) I'm calmer than I used to be. I spend a lot of time irritated, but not angry. My temper is, however, well established. Most of the time a look suffices to make people cooperate with me, at least with those who know me. Dh says I'm more in control than I used to be too. But how? I have no freaking clue. I'm assuming it's an age thing. :)

I miss me, though. Not the anger, oh no, but the person I was BEFORE the anger. Even the person I was, during the Raging Years, when I wasn't actually raging. I used to be fun. I used to have fun. I used to have sex several times a day - now I haven't the energy for it. I used to go out dancing - now it's painful. I used to be skinny - I've gained 100 pounds in 12 years. I miss me. Where did I go?

Anyways, the title of this post (and what prompted me to write here again after almost 5 months) is a song I just heard on Pandora radio. It's called Inner Glow , and it's by Finger Eleven. Watch, listen, read. (video sucks, but...well, at least you can hear the song)