I apologize...

I had to turn on the "Registered Users - including OpenID" option for my blog for the first time, even though I really hate doing that. It adds an extra step to commenting and becomes downright annoying at times. It was the only way I could think of to solve a problem I've been having, however - one post was repeatedly getting spammed by the same person (I think - it was in Oriental characters) with the same message (again, I think - Oriental characters) every day. I have comment moderation turned on for posts over 30 days old, so that the comments don't appear without my approval...but I got tired of having to reject it every day. Turning on the registered users option keeps the bot from doing that, and from my blog turning into something that boosts spam sites. Please forgive me.

Random videos

There isn't much going on right now. Went to see a rheumatologist, he's checking me for everything under the sun, making sure nothing was missed. Still don't have a job. That's about it. So...I've been listening to pandora a lot lately and have come across several songs that I want to be able to find again. You are being subjected to a random variety of videos at a whim - enjoy!

Pimping for a friend

My friend Amy wrote a novel and is in the process of editing it to submit to an agent. Part of her story was selected for a writing contest. She was all the way up to 4th place...and the entry got deleted somehow, so she has to start over. It occurred to me that a lot of you who read my stuff might actually like her story - another friend described it as "if you like fantasy or young adult (or god forbid, Twilight), you'll like this" and I agree. It's very intriguing and I would really appreciate it if you'd go take a read and vote for her!

Melissa Marr Writing Contest, Amy's Entry

PS: We have discovered that you can vote from multiple computers in the same household, as well as your phone if you have one that goes on the web - it counts IP addresses.

Naked Me

Read Me
Read Me too!


May 14th is "Bloggers Without Makeup" day, a day for us to show our real selves. Most of my pics that I have put up have been without makeup anyways, since I only wear it for work or going out, but I thought I'd put up a few anyways. Now you can see something besides my tiny profile or Facebook pics!

First up: Me, just out of a shower. No makeup, face all pale from the heat, and giving the husband "the look".

Next up: Immediately after having my gallbladder removed in 2007. You want the real me? Well, a bit dopey, but...

And last: These two were taken just a few months ago, about a week after I dyed my hair...

So there you have it - the "real" me. :)

Celebratory Society

Mel made a most excellent post today, about reaching out to others. I thought "what an excellent idea! It will give me an excuse to de-lurk on some blogs, and perhaps find others that speak to me!" Given that I am not a particularly eloquent writer, I just snagged Mel's sample post and put it here.
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Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in.  After giving back to others at the Celebratory Society, I have decided to participate in it myself.  You can understand the project in full by clicking here, but in brief, the Celebratory Society is an online festschrift for a blogger--a way for you to tell me what my blog or actions mean to you.  But this isn't about me--this is about you too.  And I would love it if you returned to your own blog, started your own Celebratory Society post, added it to the main project list, and gave me the opportunity to tell you about...you.

Hot buttons and triggers oh my!

Remember way back when I used to talk about Giggles and Chuckles quite a bit, because they were living with us? Guess who is pregnant...again? Yeah... They had the first one about a week after moving out of our house. The second one was born a year later. At least she waited about a year and a half this time...I think Chuckles was out of the state for the first little bit though, so that explains that! My MIL called my husband tonight to have him tell me, before I found out from anyone else. Like, oh, say, a facebook status. At least now I know I need to hide him so I don't see it! Once again I have learned that I simply can't tolerate some things very well...still. GOD DAMNED FUCKING FERTILES!

*ahem* *pardon me*

Another family member has found me on Facebook. Yes, I said another. So far, both uncles, my aunt, all 3 cousins, my sister, her sister D, HER sister T, and D's husband have all found me. D also had one of her granddaughters friend me. Then my brother found me through my sister - oh yay. Because, you know, I want HIM back in my life. And now, tonight, T's sister L friended me. Now I know - most of you are asking yourselves "Why doesn't she just refuse the invites?" Well...if you'll recall, I have gotten used to trying to keep family harmony. I couldn't very well have my sister as my friend and not my brother. I also couldn't think of any valid reason not to have T & D as friends. L...well, if her sisters are friends...and I remember her from when I was a kid...*shrug* it seemed ok. Until tonight. Why? I have FB up constantly - it never gets shut down unless the browser crashes or I have to reboot. So tonight I'm actually at the computer while waiting for dinner to arrive and up pops a message from L. We have the following conversation:

L: Hey, do you remember me? I used to live with you when you were a kid?"
Me: (not that it was long, but...) yes, I do.
L: You sure have grown up! I wish y'all would stop doing that to me.
Me: (Tries not to be snide about how everyone grows up, get used to it) *insert inanities about understanding, nephew growing up fast*
L: "I'm really sorry about your mom. How's your dad?
Me: (Trying not to type out my thoughts, which are along the lines of "Thank you for appearing back in my life after about 25 years and poking your fingers into my sore spots, and reminding me that my mother has been dead for a year and half in 4 days") Working, trying to retire.
L: You got married recently, didn't you?
Me: (Thank you for paying so much attention to my life while you butt in) 7 1/2, almost 8 years ago.
*(and at this point y'all know what's coming...right?)*
L: Wow. No kids yet?
Me: (Tries not to scream as the woman steps in it yet again, debates on how to answer) Nope - we can't have them.
L: Well, at least you two have each other and time to enjoy it. Not like me - we have 3.
Me: (growls, grumbles, glares and makes no comment)

Really - managing to hit the mom trigger, the fertility trigger, and the "aren't you just so grown up!" trigger in less than 5 minutes. A little impressive. My brother said he was surprised I had her as a friend - I explained the whole family harmony thing and as long as she doesn't irritate the fuck out of me on a daily basis, I should be fine. He proceeded to tell me how nosy, annoying, scheming and conniving she was. *shrug* She can't touch me here, and if she gets too bad, I'll just block her I guess.

Oy. Stupid freaking people.

On that note....I have hesitated at posting this, but I have started a blog chronicling my fibro journey. It will be how I feel when I am feeling like blogging it, bits of research I come across, etc. Much like I do with the cancer blog. If you want to read it, let me know and I will send you the link. :) I know it's not going to be interesting to everyone, so don't feel like you have to read it.

Barbaric

Strict OK Abortion Measures passed

Read that article. It talks about two bills that were passed in OK yesterday.

The first bill requires that women who are getting an abortion, regardless of reason, watch an ultrasound of THEIR FETUS and listen to a detailed description of it. The doctor MUST set the monitor up so the woman can see it and then point out heart, limbs, organs. No exceptions - not for those who were raped, or victims of incest, or terminating because the child will not survive outside the womb. This is absolutely barbaric. I believe it to be unconstitutional - it should fall under "cruel and unusual punishment". It's hard enough for women to get abortions as it is - pickets standing outside telling her she's a murderer, and let's not discount the emotional cost to a woman. She may not realize it at the time, but she will later. They are setting women up for mass amounts of PTSD. I wouldn't be surprised if the next part of this bill becomes "Make the woman watch the ultrasound machine while you perform the abortion itself, and then show her the remains". It's like we've stepped back 600 years, to when women weren't thought of as intelligent. Do they think we don't know what the fetus looks like? Do they think women just casually go "oh dear, I'm pregnant and I don't want to be. Guess I'll go down to the corner clinic and get an abortion."? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of debating and thinking and crying that goes on before the decision is made. This is just...barbaric. It's really the only word I can come up with.

The second bill prevents doctors from being sued if they failed to give the parents information on defects while the child was still in utero. So doctors no longer have to give that information out, because they are protected. If they don't give the info out, the parents can't prepare for it - or decide to terminate. Oh! But if they DO decide to terminate, refer to bill #1.

It looks like there are two other bills expected to pass as well. One makes the woman fill out a long form stating why she wants an abortion - which will then be put online as part of statistics. Talk about violation of privacy! One can only hope that they are least keep the personal information confidential and just use the numbers. But again, this is already hard enough, emotionally - why make it harder? The second bill restricts insurance coverage - but most insurance companies I know don't' cover it anyways.

Do they really think a woman who wants an abortion is going to say "there's too many hoops, I'm not doing it"? No, she'll find a back alley somewhere and have someone do it. Or pay to have someone hit her enough that she miscarries. Or she'll take drugs that will cause a miscarriage. And should all that fail, she'll have the child and hide it in a dumpster.

I hope that OK is prepared to deal with the consequences of their actions. I hope they have counseling services available, starting now, for all the shit that is going to hit the fan.

Still undecided...and rambling.

I am still undecided on the issue I mentioned in the prior post. Do I? Do I not? Does it really matter? Will it help someone? Will it harm me to dredge it all up again on "paper"? Do I want it out there for everyone to read? If I DO submit, do I do it under Tigger or another name? Do I link back to here or not? It's not like family knows about either blog, and neither do my friends. Well, they know I have one but they don't know where it is. And I've been careful (I think) not to associate my real name with them so they can't find me. And my story is...a lot of vagueness. A lot of misty thoughts, memories, etc. There are only a few concrete things, and even those are...not remembered so well.
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In other news...well, there really isn't any. The weather might be shaping up so I can start walking again. I tried to get into a clinical research trial for neuropathic pain, but they think my fibro is going to exclude me. I don't know WHY, when fibro IS neuropathic pain...but whatever.

I was doing some research today and found a lot of really interesting info on fibro from a biological standpoint. It got me to thinking: I was diagnosed with TMJ when I was 16, and hypoglycemia at 17. I have had so many digestive issues over the years. If someone comes up and pokes me, or I brush up against something, I feel a "memory" of that for a good 5-10 minutes...and have recently discovered that not everyone feels that! I never knew it was unusual. I thought I had really tense muscles or good muscle memory!

I often get asked by docs if anything worsens my symptoms and when I tell them yes, everything...they look at me blankly. I'm not sure why: An epidemiology study consisting of an internet-based survey of 2,596 people with fibromyalgia reported that the most frequently cited factors perceived to worsen fibromyalgia symptoms were emotional distress (83%), weather changes (80%), sleeping problems (79%), strenuous activity (70%), mental stress (68%), worrying (60%), car travel (57%), family conflicts (52%), physical injuries (50%) and physical inactivity (50%). Other factors included infections, allergies, lack of emotional support, perfectionism, side effects of medications, and chemical exposures. (Same wiki article I linked before) And they wonder why I tell them everything makes it worse, nothing makes it better.

After reading this article and a few others, I at least feel a little better mentally. I've been wondering if it really WAS all in my head (well, it is because it's my brain that doesn't work, which we all know, but you know what I mean...) and that I was imagining things. I've wondered why it settles in my hips, when there is nothing wrong with them. I wondered why it hurts more when I've been resting and not when I'm working - but I hurt like a mother fucker when I'm done cleaning.

I still rage against this disease that isn't really classified as a disease, but must be a disease because insurance companies don't have codes for imaginary things. I hate having this - I doubt anyone likes it - but I can't fix it. It's gotten to the point where I can't wash my own hair, because I can't keep my arms up long enough to get all the soap out (my hair is 19" long, but I really don't want to cut it). I can't brush my hair after the shower either - my husband has to help me with both things. This interferes with my life and personal care...and yet it is not eligible for disability because it isn't REAL. There is no "scientific test" that will detect it, no lab work, nothing. You can have some symptoms and not others, some people have a little pain, others so much it's not to be belived. And yet...no, it's not REAL. I could scream.

The thoughts in the brain go round and round...

I read a post by Gwendomama the other day that resounded in a spot deep within me. I followed it to Violence unSilenced, a website dedicated to stories submitted by abuse survivors. I'm not just talking about sexual abuse or physical - there's also mental, emotional, and psychological abuse. There are stories from men and women, with all varying degrees of horrifying.

But this post isn't really about the website. It's about me, and what I've realized, and I believe for the first time I'm posting a little bit on this and my thoughts. I am not posting the whole story. Maybe one of you will have some insight for me.

When I was younger I was molested by the old man who lived near us. My mom found out and put a stop to it. There wasn't any talking about it, except a few times she asked me if he had started again. I just don't think she knew what to do with it, or how it would later effect me. Hell, I'm still not sure just what effect it has on me, how much of my issues can be blamed on him or the things that followed.

My first real boyfriend was a controller. Mom knew it, tried to tell me, I wouldn't listen. I thought he was sweet, always wanting to know where I was and if I was home yet - that he missed me and wanted to talk to me. When I went to college, there was another boyfriend - this one was mentally manipulative. Then John, who cheated on me and I still stayed. My ex-husband, who was controlling in every way, shape, and form. My ex-fiance, who was emotionally unavailable and made me feel like I was an emotional wreck.

I exhibit some of the classic victim signs, especially if someone is angry with me. I fall into the "it must be my fault. I didn't do right. If I had handled it better, it would all be ok and they wouldn't be angry." Even when it's not my fault, they're just taking it out on me or being a prick...I still fall into that. I spent my first marriage apologizing A LOT. I noticed last night after a personal confrontation with a guildmate that I thought was a friend that I do this. I never REALLY realized it until then, after reading Maggie's site and seeing the stories of behaviors.

The problem is: What do I do with this? How do I NOT react like that when, as I think back, I've been doing it for over a decade? Maybe longer, but I am not sure of that. I know my parents didn't abuse me in this manner, although my father was also mostly emotionally unavailable (which explains most of the men in my life being that way as well) and my mother had MPD when I was a kid (one of which was a very angry person). So...who knows? I just don't know what to do with this. I haven't yet decided if I want to submit my full story to Maggie or not - the whole thing is "mild" compared to what I've read, and yet they repeatedly say that abuse is abuse is abuse - mild, severe, and in between. I just...don't know.

My mother, My sister, and Me

(cross-posted to Colorful Medication)

I got a call from my dad last week. My sister had her annual mammogram and an ultrasound of her only remaining ovary ( I don't know why the latter was done). They found a lump in her breast and a cyst on the ovary.

Fuck.

The tech told her to just wait 6 months and get tested again. In an uncharacteristic move, my sister actually disobeyed and went to her regular doc. Given family history (which her doc knows all about), the doc has decided to give it a few weeks and do the tests again. So...the Monday after Christmas, my sister is having another mammy and u/s. If the cyst is growing, they're just going to remove the ovary completely. My sister said she's not willing to risk a single cell remaining and have it come back like it did with mom. Of course, they did a total hysterectomy on mom too...but I won't point that out. I don't know what they're going to do about the lump - I guess it depends on size. If it's small enough, perhaps they can just remove it and biopsy it like the did with mom's.

I...can't go through this again so soon. Or ever. But really - it's barely been 13 months since mom died. I simply cannot deal with the fact that my sister might have cancer. And what if she DOES? What if it becomes not a "might have" but a "does have"? I can't go down there like I did with mom - my sister lives 8 hours away. Then there's the whole "I'm not exactly THAT close to my sister" factor. We're sisters, but we're not best friends. We've spoken...4 times? since mom died. Maybe. That's being generous. We just don't talk that much. We're 10 years apart, we didn't grow up together - I was 8 when she got married. We got closer when I moved out on my own, but still - we're not close. She didn't even bother to tell me any of this - I had to hear it from my father. And when I asked how she was holding up? She just told me about the appointment. I don't understand her in the least. She also has more than just her husband to take care of her - she has two sons, at least one of which will help out. The youngest...he's taking the route of my brother, so I don't count on him. But still. I just can't do this. I can't fathom the possibility of losing another family member to cancer. I...

Can't. Won't. Don't want to. The idea makes me want to go into a full-blown panic. I want to run screaming. I want to cry. I want to throw things. And this is all before I even have any answers.

I feel bad...

I just went through my blog reader and deleted some blogs I've been following. Some because they never update anymore and some because they've simply gone in a direction that just doesn't work for me. The ones that don't update...well, I kept them around for a long time because if they DID ever update I wanted to know about it. There's one still there like that, because I'm really hoping that she'll come back. Really, really hoping. The rest...well, I don't know. I didn't really read them that long, so there isn't really a big connection. I still feel bad, though. I don't update that often, although I do at least update more often than once ever 6-8 months. I know I still have at least one reader (hi Jess!) and probably more than that, if statcounter is to be believed. That could just be people stumbling by, though. I know the people I removed probably won't miss me - it's not like I'm an "Iron Commenter" or anything, and I doubt many people look very often to see who is following them and who has stopped, and it's not like they're going to contact me to find out why I stopped and it's not like they follow me. I still feel bad.

As for those who went in a different direction...that happens. What started out as IF blogs turned into mommy blogs. Which is GREAT - don't get me wrong. That's the WHOLE idea - If turns to treatments turns to baby...right? Right! Most of the time, hopefully. And baby means mommy blogs. And some mommy blogs I can handle and I'm fine with and I like reading. But some I just can't. It's all about writing style. I think these bloggers lost me a long time ago, I just wouldn't admit it. I felt...obligated? to keep reading, because I started reading while they were in the middle of IF (or the beginning) and I owed it to them to keep supporting them until the end, whatever the end was. I just...don't fit anymore. *shrug* And I doubt they'll miss me. Again - not a big commenter. And they have LOTS of followers, so I don't think one will be missed.

I still feel bad. I feel like I should keep reading.

Restless Legs

I appear to have developed Restless Leg Syndrome on top of everything else, if my suspicions are correct. The last few nights I've been unable to sleep in bed because my legs are twitching so much. I've had to sleep in the recliner, where it takes me about an hour and a half to finally get my legs to calm down. Every 15-30 seconds they twitch and jerk - feels like I have something under my skin, or they're trying to cramp.

My father called while I was writing this and I told him about it (mistake, I know). He tried to tell me it's because of the work the chiropractor is doing, that because of the adjustments I can now feel the nerves in my legs. Um, dad? It's not like my legs have been dead for the past 32 years. They're just fine - I feel pain just fine, believe me. This? Not PAINful, just really uncomfortable. I feel like a marionette!

RLS isn't uncommon for people with fibromyalgia. According to this site, "Many people with fibromyalgia suffer from restless leg syndrome symptoms. RLS causes unpleasant sensations in the lower limbs, so much so that the limbs have to be moved in order to reduce the pain. RLS occurs mostly at night, between the hours of 10:00 pm and 4:00 am, though it can also occur throughout the day in severe cases. It is thought that somewhere between 20% and 40% of fibromyalgia sufferers also have RLS." Consider now that I get off work at 9:30 at night, go to bed at about 1:30 or so, and start having issues as soon as I lay down.

It seems odd that it cropped up at the same time I started taking meds for a UTI. I've looked into it and that's really not one of the side effects...so I really think it's just coincidence. I have at least another 3 days of the meds, so we'll see what happens when I stop taking them. If it continues I'm going to have to go talk to the doc.

Joy. I needed another syndrome. I wonder if that's my superhero name: Syndrome Girl

Safe spots

It looks like I might be posting more, maybe. Yeah, yeah, I know - I keep promising I'll write more and I never do. It's not because I have nothing to say, it's because it takes energy to write and I never remember when I'm already sitting here. I think about it when I'm at work, or laying down to sleep, or something.

So what's different this time? Well, Facebook has been a place where I could say things about certain family members and not have to worry about it. I could vent that my SIL is being a PITA, or my MIL is making me batty...and all was ok. My FB has become overrun with family. MIL, SIL, BIL, Chuckles, my BIL's sister, my MIL's BF and her DH (I am LOVING all these abbrevs!) and one of their daughters... there is no longer a place for me to vent.

Which means I just might have to end up back here for my own peace of mind! Provided they don't find THIS too...

Catching up...or not

I haven't written lately because there isn't really much to write about. I have a new job, working in a call center. I don't particularly like it, but I don't really hate it either. I realized last night that I may very well end up there for 5 years or something because I'm too lazy to look for a new job right now...and I really don't want to be there that long. Beggars can't be choosers, though, no matter what my father may think. I need a job, I need to pay the bills. Should we ever somehow become independently wealthy, I'll think about quitting. *snerk* Like that will ever happen.

I have stuff to rant about, but I'm not sure I really want to. It's more hashing about our sex life, and how angry I am concerning it, but really...it won't do anything to fix it. It's not something I can talk to DH about without making him feel guilty and I don't want to do that...and it's an old argument anyways, one we've been having in one form or another since we got married. I'm tired of it, and I'm tired of being upset about it, and I'm tired of him feeling guilty or abnormal. I wish we could resolve it, but I fear that will never happen.

Dad has finally stopped calling me every day, for the most part. It's down to every few days usually, and never anything to really tell me, he just wants to talk. I guess I'm ok with that...if only he'd listen when I say anything, instead of blowing me off or glossing over whatever it is. That will also never happen, as he's always done that to me...I can't decide if it's because I'm a girl, his daughter, or just younger.

I'm feeling a little off-center the past few weeks. Like something is wrong but I can't quite figure it out - not REALLY wrong, just off. I'm pretty sure it's just me, which means I can ignore it and it will go away eventually.

Other than all that, there really isn't anything going on. I'll write more about dad on the other blog, as it deals with mom too. I just wanted to let y'all know I was still alive and kicking, there just isn't really anything going on.

Job! OMG!

I didn't want to post about this until it was for sure, but...

I GOT A JOB!!!

Yes, you read that correctly. After 8 months of unemployment and 6 months spent looking for a job, I finally have one! I'll be working as an in-bound tech at this company, working on this company's products. It's not something I've done before, but I'm willing to try something new...as long as they're paying me, which they are. :)

I start in 6 days. My training schedule is just scary - 5:30 in the morning until 2:30 in the afternoon, for three weeks. My normal schedule, though? Absolutely peachy - 1:00 in the afternoon until 9:3o in the evening, with weekends off from the start. It couldn't get much better than that. DH is going to change his schedule once we know for sure when my real one starts (they mentioned a protected week, where I have lots of help available, but didn't tell me which schedule that was on) and he'll work 11-7. So we'll each have a few hours of "me time" every day (which he's been missing terribly) and yet still get to see each other every day too!

I'm so excited - we'll be all caught up financially in no time flat. The plan is to put some in savings every paycheck while still working feverishly to get our credit card paid off. Of course, even if I threw almost my entire paycheck at the credit card it still won't be paid off until next year (ouch!) but at least there will be breathing room. We also have a request in for a loan modification on the house and I'm going to be deferring my student loans for a while. Ok, so maybe things aren't going to be as easy as I'd initially thought (damn you, typing, for putting into perspective!) but still WAY easier than they are now.

But! I HAS JOB NAO! (yes, lolcat speak - deal with it, it only happens sometimes)

I've been reading...

a rather interesting web novel of late. It's not for everyone - I suggest only going if you are very open minded. But I thought I'd give it a shout here, just in case some of you want to go and read it too. :) I promise that I'll get around to making a real blog post some day - some are brewing, I'm just trying to ignore them.

Prologue | An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom | MeiLin Miranda

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Pocket Pet anthem

Anything that amuses me and cheers me up is a good thing, yeah? As such, I present to you "Nom! nom! nom!" - the anthem of Pocket Pets everywhere! The first time I watched it I thought "aww...cute!" And then? I watched it again...and again...and again...and, well, you get the picture. I bebop to it in my chair, it brings a smile to my face every time, and I catch myself humming it at random. Without further ado:

And the fun starts....*edited*

I remember taking 1500mg of Met before, and getting "fire butt" as someone from my old TTC/ITSG boards used to call it. What I forgot about? The nausea that strikes as soon as I up my dosage to a proper level. Why did I forget? Probably because I haven't been at the proper level since the first time I was dx'd.

Nausea. In my chest. Not my stomach - that feels fine. But...it's like my esophagus is nauseated. I breathe in just right and I can make it go away.

I'm going to go lay down and try to sleep. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not - I have a feeling the fun is just beginning.

*edit* I was both right and wrong. The nausea wasn't just in my esophagus, and it wasn't just nausea. Not 5 minutes after I hit post on the first part of this, I went to bed. Within 2 minutes, I jumped out of bed and threw up 3 times. So...perhaps no eating right after taking the pills. I don't remember that part from before - I hope this means that the met is going to work better. I was right about the fun just beginning though. Stay tuned for more Met drama!

Oh the irony...

History: DH and I got together 6 years and 4 months ago. Roughly 6 years ago I started a BCP called Cyclessa. DH and I got married 5 years and 7 months ago. I went off Cyclessa 5 years and 2 months ago. We started TTC, because we knew it might take a while due to family history. Sometime between then and a year and a half after starting our TTC journey, I was dx'd with insulin resistance and put on Metformin (hereafter referred to as Met). At the year and a half mark, I went to an RE. She did the wandy thing and said "Hey! You have PCOS! OH! And you're insulin resistant!" She upped my dosage of Met and we went on to a treatment that didn't work (that was 2 years and 8 months ago). Since that point, DH and I have been giving it the college try...and eventually I resigned myself to living childfree. I have been at that stage now for about a year or so.

Yesterday: I read this article which says PCOS women also have an increased endometrial cancer risk. The risk of ovarian cancer is increased 2.5-fold, particularly among women who had never used oral contraceptives. Breast cancer risk is not clearly increased with polycystic ovarian disease. Just what I needed - another thing that will give me the kind of cancer that killed my mother almost 6 months ago.

Today: I go to the doc for a med check. I've managed to gain 10 pounds since he saw me a month ago and the only thing that has changed has been my meds. He upped my dosage of Met to 1500 (bring on the fire butt, baby!) to see if it will work a little better. When I mentioned the article to him and explained the whole "PCOS and all appeared when I went OFF bcp last time", he put me back on Cyclessa.

You read that right. The woman who can't get pregnant...is on birth control pills. Not for cycling reasons, not to suppress my ovaries for a stim. An infertile woman...on bcp. I think the only thing more ironic would be if I GOT pregnant. *looks at the sky and waits for karma to come bite her in the ass*

Pour me, Poor me

I started typing this for Mel's Lushary but it took on a life of it's own and I decided to move it here instead. Some of this may be familiar, but I'm going into more detail because APPARENTLY it needs to come out. *Warning: this post may be viewed as a pity party. I just need to vent.*

I have fibromyalgia. Not severe, but enough to interrupt my life and make it next to impossible to do things - like stand for more than 5 minutes, lift stuff repeatedly, have energy. It's centered in my hips and lower spine, and there doesn't seem to be much docs can do. I'm on a new med for it, but don't know if I'll stay on it as I've somehow managed to gain 10 pounds in less than a month. I've already got about 60 extra pounds I can't manage to lose - another 10 does not make me happy. It's centered in my hips and lower spine, which makes moving difficult from time to time.

I also have scoliosis - abnormal curvature of the spine. I curve slightly left to right, but I curve severely from front to back. I have a large ass - and most of it is because my spine bends much farther in at the base of my spine, making my tailbone (and thus my "black girl booty") thrust out. I figured out last night that in order for my spine to appear as straight as most people's, I have to bend at a 135* angle. Having a double-curve makes life...well, interesting. The curves are not static - they are always changing in degree. It's painful, but I'm used to it - my back has been like this since I was 10 years old. Or at least, that's when I was dx'd with it. Mom thought I was just experiencing "growing pains", but when it didn't cease she finally took me in. The curves have never been severe enough to warrant a brace, but that may be changing. Unfortunately, I can't exactly afford to go to an orthopedic surgeon type person to get inspected. I don't think it's coincidence that the curves are worsening in time with the fibromyalgia and where IT centers. I think they're feeding off each other and there's natch I can do about it.

Before anyone says "if you exercise, the weight will go away", no - it won't. Go back and reread the previous paragraph. See that whole "not standing, not lifting, no energy" part? Yeah, that includes "no exercising", which requires some energy, the ability to lift something, standing, biking, aerobics. All of which cause pain and lots of it and I'm not talking about your normal "man I worked out yesterday and I'm sore" pain. I'm talking about "I can't get out of bed, I feel like I've been stabbed repeatedly, I can't move" pain that lasts for weeks. One day of trying to do yard work and not listening when my body warned me to stop wiped me for 3 weeks.

Aside from that, I have mild PCOS (just enough to fuck with me, not enough to actually warrant anything in the way of treatment) and am also glucose intolerant (since they usually go hand in hand). The doc I finally get to go back to now that I've graduated college and don't have to use their health center anymore is a wonderful, wonderful man who trusts me when I say "would you please up my dosage of Met because we both know that 500 doesn't do jack shit?" He upped me to 1000 at the same time he put me on the new med for the fibro (also at my request). I didn't have the s/e's that I expected, although I am finally hungry for the first time in eons. I'd say that's why I've gained weight, but everyone keeps telling me I need to eat more...and now that I am, I've managed to prove my theory that eating makes me fat.

I haven't worked since October, when I quit my job (that was dying) to focus on school and mom. I graduated in December and started looking for a job on January 2nd. I still don't have one. I had work through a "temp" company for 3 days, and the guy was supposed to have me come back, but he never has. That was in March. I had an interview about 2 weeks ago for a company that works with mentally ill people, but that didn't pan out either. The job market sucks monkey balls right now and it's seriously frustrating. I got this damn degree that all the companies wanted and now I can't do shit with it. I'm qualified to work in any office, if they'd just hire me goddammit. I've always been qualified - somehow I think 14 years in an office qualifies me - but couldn't get the "good" jobs because I didn't have a degree. Finances are tight - very tight. If anything changes (the SIL & BIL move out, my student loans come due) we're royally fucked. If things stay exactly as they are until I find a job, we'll make it. We've made it for the last 7 months...we can keep making it. That's not likely to happen, though. Loans are due in about 2 months, and the SIL/BIL were planning on moving out in August. One royal fuckage, coming right up!

When I envision my future right now, all I can see is myself becoming my MIL. Sitting around all day on the computer, watching TV, whining because I can't do anything without hurting myself, and generally being worthless to the household. I don't want to be like that. If I sit around on the computer all day, I want it to be by my choice...not because I don't have anything else to do. I never thought I'd get tired of spending 14 hours a day playing WoW, but I'm at that point. I miss being face-to-face social with people, laughing and joking and flirting. I feel broken - infertility aside. I have a brain that's always in a fog and a body that can't do what I want it to. At least I have a husband who loves me, and friends that support me.