Silence

I apologize for being so quiet now that I've had Colson. Those of you who've had newborns probably know what I'm going through right now - the need for sleep above all else. Hygiene has gone by the wayside - who needs to shower when I could use that time to get 20 minutes of sleep? Eating - what's that? Of course, I'd love to eat, since I'm hungry, but every time I eat it comes right back out the other end. That's assuming I can get the food down in the first place. I started a new med and the side effects are not pleasant for me. "Intestinal discomfort" doesn't begin to cover it, and I keep having the feeling that I'm going to puke. Pharmacist says it will go away after about a week, but seriously...I can't take care of a newborn AND be in the bathroom every 20 minutes. It just doesn't work like that, and skipping the bathroom is NOT an option. I'm sure I'll figure out how to go and take care of Cole at the same time, but I haven't done so yet.

Cole. I love this child. I do. I just wish I could understand him better. As in, understand his cries, what he wants/ needs/how to fix whatever it is. Dad keeps telling me I have to learn to let him "cry it out" once I've tried food, clean diaper, and holding. Just put him in the bassinet and walk away for 20 minutes. He was apparently never a new mommy! Even Aaron has an easier time of that than I do - why is that? I have to time it, and as soon as that 20 minutes is up, in I go. Or sooner, if I just can't handle it. I get conflicting information - you can't spoil a newborn, but I shouldn't go to him every time he cries or he'll learn that I'll come when he cries and I'll get no peace. Which is it? Go to him or ignore him?

I know, it's all a learning process. If Dad tells me one more time "It's all new to you and it's all new to him and you're both learning", I might scream. He's been calling me every day to see "how it's going", meaning "have you lost your shit again or are you doing better". See, he was here the beginning of this week for 2 1/2 days, and every day I completely lost it around the same time. Cole gets really tired around 5pm, and proceeds to fight going to sleep. He sleeps just fine during the rest of the day, but at that point, he just fights and fights. Me, having had him home for all of 2 days before Dad came, didn't know how to handle that so well - still don't, but I'm learning - and would burst into tears of frustration because I couldn't FIX it and I didn't know what was WRONG but my baby boy was crying and angry and I was FAILING and didn't he underSTAND that? My poor dad - he doesn't handle hysterics or emotions well to start with, and he's had 33 years to look back through those rose colored glasses and see how "easy" it is to just let him cry, to know what's wrong. I don't think he really remembers what it was like when I was a newborn, or else mom dealt with it all.

So that's what's been going on. Me, fighting PPD and trying to get sleep. Aaron, taking over the care of Cole as soon as he walks in at night because I just can't deal on my own anymore. Dad driving me batty, as usual. And Cole learning what it's like in this world and how to express himself in a way that gets what he wants across.

Picture post!

I have a whole slew of pictures of Colson already - yay for cell phones! Here are a few, so you can see what he looks like, and tell me if you think he resembles his father (the nurses and doctors do, Aaron says it's just the hair).

Birth story!

Colson Xavier joined our world via C-section at 10:22 pm, April 4, 2011. He weighed in at 7 lbs, 14 ounces and 20" long.

I was induced for the second time at 6:00 Sunday evening. They started me on the Cytotek, and all was going well, until about 3am. At that point I hadn't really progressed a whole lot - I think I was at 4cm, up from 3, but effacing at a good pace. Colson, however, was not terribly pleased with the Cytotek this time around, so they started me on the Pit. This apparently did much good, because at 8am Monday morning my doc was able to break my water. I was expecting lots of pain, as I had been told by friends, but there was NONE - just lots of fluid going everywhere. Colson had managed to poop in his water so THAT was fun - EW!

I proceeded to labor along nicely, making small bits of progress. Around noon, I asked them if I could go in the Jacuzzi, as I was about ready for my epidural but SO wanted to get in the water first. This request earned me THE most painful part of labor and delivery, even now. The source of that pain? Internal monitors. They put internal monitors in so I could go be in the water, since the other monitors can't go there, and the process of those + contractions = me gripping Aaron's hands and sobbing, while trying to relax. Bet you can guess how THAT went...

Anyhow, into the Jacuzzi for a little over an hour or so, with my fabulous husband sitting on the edge behind me and sponging my back, stroking my hair, etc. My doc showed up around 1:00 to talk to me, check on me, give me a layout of the day. When I got back to the room I had them give me the epidural - it had, at that point, been 5 hours since they'd broken my water and I was getting tired. I needed to sleep, but couldn't with the contractions like they were and they were just plain old really starting to hurt. Enough to curl my toes! They brought the lady in, I explained my spine to her, and she seemed relatively confident that she could do it. Aaron said "It's extremely discomforting having someone poking needles in to my wife's spine." Especially when aforementioned wife is gripping your hands, head down, eyes closed, and flinching or saying "ow - pain here, pain there". 


Once the epi was in, I slept for about 3 hours. I couldn't feel a thing from about mid-abdomen down, and trying to move was laughable. I felt like a marionette with the strings cut! We did another cervix check around 6, and I was dilated to a 6 and fully effaced. We did another at 9...and there was no change. Colson, however, was starting to have heart issues. He was dipping too low with the contractions, which indicated cord compression. They made the call do a C-section at 9:30, after consulting with my doc. He showed up around 9:45 or so, they got me prepped, wheeled me in. Aaron showed up a few minutes later, once they were ready. And voila - baby at 10:22. They cleaned him up and gave him to Aaron, who took him to recovery room. I had Aaron warn them that I was going to puke soon, and not 5 minutes later I did exactly that. Felt much better afterwards!!

I was in the OR until a little after 11 but still couldn't hold him because I was shaking violently as a result of trauma. adrenaline, pain and adrenaline. I watched as my husband fed our son a bottle of formula, because his blood sugar was low and we needed to get it up quickly. Didn't happen - or rather, it did but it didn't stay up. Even after a second bottle feeding he was still low. When he was burping Cole, it came out his nose. I told the nurses then to look for a tiny cleft in the soft palate, as every boy born to the females in my mom's line have it. In between them, aaron got to change the first diaper - Meconium ahoy! I forgot to tell him about using the dirty diaper to get stuff off - went through about 6 wipes trying to clean our son! At 2:30 they ended up taking Colson to the NICU for an IV feed and observation. 

He's been there all day - and lo and behold, they finally found the hole I kept telling them had to be there. The doctor person up there came down to talk to us around 10am. Apparently I will not be able to breastfeed him, but I CAN still pump and feed it to him. They are working on finding the right nipple for him so that he can eat. We will apparently be able to get this fixed when he's a year old, which is fine as long as he is able to eat in the meantime! We are still waiting on the results of the hereditary blood disorder blood work, to see if he has it or not. The tests have to be sent all they way to the Mayo Clinic in order to be diagnosed! Hopefully we will know very soon.


I should be getting released on Thursday, but I don't know when Colson will be. They say it depends on how well he eats, if we can find the nipple, if his sugars stabilize, etc. If he's not ready when they kick me out, I get to be in a "transition" room in the NICU itself. That would allow me to be able to feed and care for him without the separation of being at home and hospital. I will update as I know more about what's happening.


In the meanwhile, I apologize if this is rambly or doesn't make sense. I'm on Percocet and keep falling asleep while typing - hard to see what you're typing when your eyes are closed and you're out of it. Once I get the pictures hosted somewhere I will post them for your smiling pleasure!

We have a PLAN!

An honest to god plan that involves coming home with this child on the outside!

Tomorrow evening, 6:00 PM, I am to report to L&D for induction. They are going to start me on the Cytotek and see what happens. If I progress by morning, they will move me on to the Pit to try and keep it going. If I stall out on the Pit, they will do a C-section. If I don't progress by morning, they will go straight to a C-section. Doc promised me that I would not leave the hospital without a live baby in my arms. It was all I could do not to laugh at him - one should never promise that anyone will have a live baby!

I've been talking about that a lot with Jess of late. I'm absolutely paranoid, because they're taking so long to get this child born, that he's going to die before I get to see him. Last night was the worst - I was so upset after the doctor not giving me a plan, and depressed because I didn't know how much longer I had to go, and paranoid that Colson is going to die in utero or be stillborn, that I was on the verge of doing rash things around the house. Like...pack up the whole damn nursery because who in the hell cares if I have it when he's going to be dead anyways and I'd rather not deal with it when I get back from the hospital. Yeah, rash. I knew I was being overly paranoid, though, so I just sat and cried instead. And talked to Aaron. And Jess, who thankfully understood what I was trying to convey. I'd be so lost without her right now!

So for now, the plan for tomorrow consists of resting and eating as much as possible - doc says "I want you well rested and fed when you get here!" - and then taking the dog back out to my in-laws for them to watch her. Hopefully my MIL won't show up at the hospital until sometime on Monday - last time she was there ALL DAY on Sunday and Monday until we left to go home. I can't handle it. Even when she's just sitting and reading, having someone besides Aaron in the room for a long time like that is draining on me. My dad is planning on coming up Monday when he gets off work and staying until Wednesday - is it bad that I'm hoping I have to have a C because it means they'll keep me in the hospital longer? *bad daughter* I will update with the birth story once I have it and can see straight again. For those who read who have me as a friend on FB, you'll see the basic update there first, as Aaron has access to that. Might have him post here too, if he's not also exhausted.

Thank you for all the prayers and well-wishes that you've sent so far. I think it's one of the few things that has kept me "sane" over the past month.

FML

Just got back from seeing my doc for what SHOULD have been a well-baby visit, but was obviously changed to an OB visit. I have made ZERO progress since Monday when I was released - still at a 3, still 75% effaced, still at a -2 station. I have managed to gain 4# in the last week - I haven't gained weight that fast this entire pregnancy! I'm retaining fluid like a dam, my BP is up, and I've been semi-throwing up in my sleep. All of this reeks of eclampsia to me, but baby is happy so they aren't worried.

As for a plan? At this moment we still don't have one. Doc is going to call the hospitalists, see what they want to do. Do they want to try another induction? If they do, and it fails, are they going to be willing to do a C-section? I refuse to be sent home again only to come back in another week to try again. I'm already a week over, and he told me he didn't want me to get this far...and yet, here I am. Do they want to skip the induction (which, IMO, isn't going to work anyways) and go straight to a C-section? Doc doesn't want to do that necessarily, but he also doesn't see any point in putting me through the induction torture if they don't think it's going to work.

I am...furious. Mostly because I'm frustrated and helpless. I feel like everyone is sitting around twiddling their dicks while my child stays inside with no intentions of coming out. I know the stillbirth rates - and the longer he stays in there, the higher they get. If he dies while they sit around trying to figure out what they're going to do instead of just DOING something, I am seriously going to sue the ass off of several people. That includes my wonderful doctor that I love so much but am very frustrated with right now. IMO, he should be making the decision, not talking with the hospitalists to decide what to do. HE is my doctor, THEY are not. Yes, they are at the hospital and yes, they will assist as needed but they should not be the ones making the decisions about my care. For now I wait...even more. Doc says I will hear from him in the next 24 hours. I'm not holding my breath.

BPP

When I left on Monday, the doc said "I will talk to you on Wednesday if not before". I assumed that meant "Unless you go into labor by Wednesday, we will come up with another option and I will call you to discuss it." Instead, I got a call  to go in yesterday afternoon for an ultrasound and BPP. I got the call back this morning on the results: 8/8

We appear to have a perfectly happy child who does not want to come out of his perfectly comfortable womb. We also have a mommy that does not feel that she can mentally (or physically) take much more waiting. My brain feels like it's splitting apart, I've been crying all morning (it's only been about 3 hours since I got the call...), and I'm in so much pain I'd dearly love to take some pain meds...which isn't something I do lightly, ever.

I asked Trish (my doc's nurse) if he was thinking about doing a second induction, or was he thinking C-section, what was going on? She said "he said he'll talk to you about those on Friday when you come in". So here I was, thinking I'd have a plan today, and I'm being put off for another 2 days. I'm getting less mentally stable by the day and my body appears to want to keep up with my mind, which does not bode well. Either that, or it hasn't forgiven me for laying on the stupid uncomfortable hospital bed on my back for a day and a half.... *shrug*

I know the doc is putting what's best for me MEDICALLY over what he seems to think I want. What I *want* is to have this child BEFORE I start resenting him for what he's putting me through at this stage. What I *want* is to not wake up in the middle of the night with acidic puke coming up my throat - it's happened two nights in a row now. What I *want* is to be able to move without feeling like I'm going to fall down because my nerves won't work properly. I don't CARE how these things happen, as long as it involves Colson being alive. I feel like I have to continuously make that disclaimer, because every time I think "I don't care, just get him OUT, I'm done being pregnant and I'm done with the pain" my next thought is "you know karma is going to come and kill your child for that...." which I KNOW doesn't make any logical sense, but I never said I was logical. If I were logical, that sentence wouldn't have been so long, but I'm rambling because I feel like I'm screaming into a void.

My wonderful husband is trying his best to understand, he's sorry I'm miserable, but really all he cares is that our son is happy and healthy. As if I don't? My doctor is trying to do what's medically best, but it's my mental state that is at issue and I don't think he's hearing me. My friends keep giving me inane assvice (go have lots of sex! drive over bumpy roads! eat spicy foods! drink castor oil!) and trying to comfort me with "he'll come out eventually, when he's ready". Fantastic, people - it took him 6 years to ARRIVE in this uterus, I don't think he's in any hurry to leave. Then there's "well, the doc won't let you go too long" - you mean, the same doc who has repeatedly said he didn't want me to go to 41 weeks, and yet isn't meeting with me to discuss options until Friday and Sunday marks 41 weeks? That doctor? I adore him, but....as long as Colson is happy and healthy and the placenta is doing it's job, he's not going to take this child out. I can almost guarantee it. And I swear, if one more person tells me "you wanted this" when I say something about pain or being unhappy or wanting the child out or not wanting to be pregnant anymore, I am going to snap. Just snap.

Induction...fail

You read that right - my induction failed. I am back home, after spending almost 36 hours in the hospital. Here's how it all went:

Sunday morning, we arrived at the hospital at 7am. They finally checked me in and had me all hooked up by 8:30, and they started me on Cytotek to ripen my cervix. I went from 1.5 to 3cm dilated. I also had contractions that were less than 2 minutes apart, and they were unable to give me more Cytotek, even though they wanted to. So...fortunate or not, depending on your point of view.

At about 5pm, they started me on the Pit.o.cin drip, to be turned up every 30 minutes. I was still at 3cm, 75% effacement, and they couldn't break my water because they couldn't reach it. At 10:30 they had the drip up to a 10, which is halfway, but I still hadn't budged. My wonderful, cooperative cervix was still at 3cm. They called my doc, who told them to turn it off and let me sleep for the night. He thought maybe the receptors were overloaded and just weren't responding at all, and that being off it and sleeping for the night would help. When he had last checked me, however, I at least had SHOW going on.

Monday morning, at 5am, the nurse came back in to start the drip again, and this time they were going to be "aggressive" with it. Instead of turning it up only one notch every 30 minutes, they were going to turn it up two notches. Well...that sort of had the intended effect, if the effect was simply to make my contractions stronger. It did that, although I never took any pain meds because it was still in the "I can handle this" stage. My cervix, however, had an entirely different idea when it came to the Pit - and that idea would be "Pit? What Pit? I don't see no stinking Pit! Also, no one gets in and no one goes out, I don't care what you say." You guessed it - no change, even after another 7 hours on the drip. The hospitalist checked me at 11:00am and hinted strongly that I was going to be going home, without baby on the outside. After she left the room I burst into tears, telling Aaron that I didn't WANT to go home only to have to come back and do it again, and I was worried about so many things...of course, the lack of food for about 38 hours (at that point) with little sleep and constant pain probably contributed.

My doc arrived around 1pm to confirm - he was going to have to send me home. At this point I was on the max dose of Pit and had been for about 3 hours, and I was STILL at 3cm and 75%. My uterus is simply being non-cooperative and my child is joining in the protest. They just aren't ready. There isn't anything else they CAN do, other than a C-section, which...well, they don't do them as often as they used to and for good reason. It's major surgery, with it's own inherent risks. Women were apparently opting to go straight to a C-section instead of going through labor at all...and not for medical reasons. So nationwide, doctors are cutting down on performing them. Makes sense to me. Baby is fine, I'm fine (if very cranky and disappointed), body is fine (although not by the time *I* get done with it...mutter...mutter) and there's no REASON for the C-section. So...home.

I felt bad for my poor doc - he obviously didn't want to tell me I was going to have to go home, and was convinced I was going to go blog about what a horrible, mean doctor he was. Yes...horrible and mean for putting what's best for me above what I want. God forbid we all have doctors so mean, eh? I kept telling him it's not his fault, it's my body. This isn't the first time it's done the exact opposite of what we've asked it to. It took me 6 years to get pregnant - what makes us think it would be easy to get the child OUT? :)

By the time they made sure the Pit was out of my system and had me released, it had been about 41 hours since I'd eaten anything other than a few Jell-o snacks and apple juice. We got food on the way home, took a shower, and I crashed for about an hour (after updating everyone repeatedly on FB....). I feel a bit more human, but will be heading to bed shortly. Hopefully my body will launch itself into labor now that we got things going a little...but I really shouldn't say that, because then it won't!

It's a date!

I had a dream last night that when I went into the doc this morning he stripped my membranes, and then ended up doing an induction on Sunday anyways. When I told him about that, he said "we can probably make that happen". I love my doc. I will never get tired of saying that.

Sure enough, he stripped my membranes - OW! I thought cervical checks were bad - they're worse when the doc is wiggling his fingers around like he's cleaning out cobwebs. He checked a few things, and I have a Bishop's Score of 8 (although he says some would give me 7, but that's still enough) which means I'm safe to induce. Sunday he is going to induce me, assuming I didn't decide to go into labor before that. He'd have done it for tomorrow, but it's his anniversary and his wife will kill him. I almost offered to make her cookies if she'd let him. :) This kid is coming out on his due date whether he wants to or not! Well, we're going to try anyways - I know it can take a while and there's the possibility that he won't show up until Monday.

I am both really excited and really nervous. Excited because we have finally reached the end. We have a plan in place, a firm(ish) date, and the child is coming out. Less pain in the ligaments for me, moving on to a different kind of pain, but still excited. Nervous because we're moving on to the next phase, a place that has felt like we'd never get to at the rate we were going. We're going to be PARENTS. I don't know if we're ready for that, but it's what's going to happen. Now to hope we manage to raise a decent child!

I'm also nervous about the induction itself. I know it's really not that scary - I watched Wilma go through hers - but still...it's not something I've done before and I know they can take a while. I'm worried that they won't be able to give me the epi, but that if they manage to do so, I will stop progressing. I'm scared of having my water broken because I hear the contractions get much more painful after that. If I stop progressing, then there's a C-section involved and THAT scares me because...just because. Wilma damn near died during hers, and my mom has had anesthesia reactions a couple times. I haven't, but mom didn't usually either! Aaron is already afraid I'll die during childbirth...

My dad is going to take Monday off to come up here, stay that night and Tuesday night, and head back on Wednesday. I hope I can tolerate him that long. I was hoping he'd wait a week before he came up - I kinda wanted our first week to be just me, Aaron, and Smallfry. Give us a chance to bond. I don't want to have to worry about feeding dad, or keeping him entertained. All I want to do is feed my child, sleep, bond, hang out. Here's hoping it's not too stressful!

Complicated, updated!

The stupid doc is the one on call while my doc is away, apparently. After not hearing from them for 2 hours, I finally called back and was told to go in to L & D. Aaron came home to get me - while I normally go to the NSTs by myself, when it's a case where we are worried, he prefers to go with and I prefer to have him there just in case.

We got there around noon and got hooked up. All was well, except I still had no contractions. The nurse insisted that having my contractions disappear was perfectly fine, since I wasn't in labor. I feel that's wrong - and the hospitalist later agreed that things don't normally go backwards. Me being me, however...

I am now 75% effaced, up from 50%, but am only dilated to not even 1.5, which is down from 2 (and even down from the 1.5 I was when my doc first checked me 3 weeks ago). Go me for having backwards progress? It's like my cervix is playing peek-a-boo, just taunting me. The hospitalist said he wishes he had a crystal ball for me, but it doesn't work that way. :) And apparently MY doc has been checking on me with the hospitalist via e-mail while he's on vacation...and y'all wonder why I love him to pieces. While he's on vacation! With his family! He checked on me to see if I'd delivered yet!

At any rate, I'm to keep an eye on things. If the kick counts drop, if I get any of the usual labor signs, I'm supposed to come in.

Why is this always complicated?

Why is pregnancy so freaking complicated?

All those contractions I've been having for the past 3 weeks? They've disappeared. Gone. Kaput. I still get an occasional one, but NOTHING like what I'd been having. Smallfry is still moving around and causing me discomfort, so I'm *assuming* he's still ok...although we all know what assuming can get you. I can't decide if I should worry or not. I start to worry, then he moves, and I'm all "well, I guess I shouldn't worry if he's still getting jiggy in there" but then I think - what if he stopped growing? what if there's not enough fluid and he can't get comfy? What if...5 million other things? He's not AS active as he has been, but that's just because he's running out of room...right? It doesn't mean anything else?

So here I am, complaining about the contractions and then worrying when they stop. I haven't had any NSTs since my doc left last week. We figured I'd been doing really well at them, nothing to worry about at all, and with him gone they would be sent to the hated doc in the office so there really wasn't any point. Now I'm beginning to wish I could just go in for one...just to check things out. I keep reassuring myself that he'll be back in town on Thursday and my appt is on Friday and we can talk then and it will all be ok. I mean, I WAS very adamant that I didn't want to have this child without him, right? Right.

And on THAT score, Aaron and I have decided that when I go in on Friday I am going to talk to him about the possibility of inducing me. Just...to have an idea, a plan in place. Sunday marks my full 40 and this kid is showing zero signs of wanting to come out. I know they need to "cook", but I don't want him to get overly big. I haven't had an u/s since 20 weeks (which? sucks) so we have no guesses as to weight or length or anything. I don't even know where to begin on how to guess!

Awareness

I am tired. I'm frustrated and irrationally angry with people, and I am just plain tired. I never knew that contractions could last for a month or more - real contractions, not BH. No one told me, and I never thought to research it. I guess I thought that if it was important to know, I'd have been told or stumbled across it in my regular research and emails. Maintaining this level of awareness is exhausting. I think at this point, even when I do go into active labor, I'm going to end up dismissing it. Why? Because this has been going for...3 weeks at this point, I believe. At least 2, but I think 3. Every time they start up, I think "Is it time? Are these the ones? Are we going to settle into a pattern?" but no. Every time I leak a little fluid I wonder "Is that my water? CM? Urine? Is it time?" but no. I swear if I actually go in to labor I'm going to dismiss it as another trick, another "my body hates me and just wants to fuck with me" night. I won't even realize it, since I don't even bother timing them at this point. I mean, I went into L&D last week with contractions 4 minutes apart and they sent me home because "they weren't strong enough". The next night they were strong enough, I think, but there was no pattern to them. I can't get in sync...not that THAT is anything new.

I realized while talking to Aaron that I guess I do have some expectations for this birth. I didn't think I did - I haven't filed a birth plan, although I have contemplated it. Even if I do, it's pretty basic: I want low lights (if they turn on the bright lights in the room I might kill them), music, my crocheting (not that I'll be able to focus, but hey it's worth a shot), my husband and personnel ONLY during active labor/delivery. That's it. I don't know enough about births and having babies to have any idea what I really want. But the one thing I've discovered that I really want is to be able to go into labor by myself. For once I would like my body to cooperate with me instead of having to be forced into doing something it should do on it's own. I know, I haven't even reached 40 weeks yet, I'm not even due, I'm not over, quit whining. As long as he comes out alive, I'm good. I admit to being disappointed at the prospect of having to be induced, though. I just don't know how much of this high-level awareness I can take. My doc comes back into town and I have an appt with him on Friday, so I'll talk to him then and see what he thinks. That will be 2 days before a full 40 weeks.

As for being irrationally angry...yeah, I was going to post about this yesterday but I decided staying away from my computer was probably the better idea. Last Sunday I snapped at my Uncle on FB because he has been irritating the hell out of me by counting down to St. Patrick's Day, when I would presumably have Colson. Why? Because

"according to one of the writings in Grandpa Chamberlain's diary one of his great great great grandchildren is to be born on St. Patrick's Day because his great great great grandmother was from Ireland and was born on St. Patrick's Day. Past down was the story of her prayer that a  descendant be born on her birthday until Grandpa Chamberlain wrote it down."

Verbatim, from an Email he sent me. And Sunday I finally snapped when he said "just 4 more days". I responded with "I don't freaking want to do this for 4 more days. I don't want to have done it for the last 4 days either. I'm tired, I'm miserable, I'm bitchy, I'm in pain. I know it's going to get worse when "actual" labor hits, but at least then I know the end is in sight. At this point I'm told this could go for several MORE weeks."

Monday involved me snapping at my best friend, and the rest of Facebook, for telling me to "relax and stop stressing, you're hurting the baby" in response to me being upset because I wasn't going to be able to meet with my doc before he left town (which I did end up doing, they got me in that afternoon).  My long-ass response to that was

"It's not the appointment being missed that I'm upset about. It's the final reassurance from my doctor. I know you've been there done that twice already and know how everything will turn out, but I haven't. I'm well within my rights to be stressed and panicked at having a stranger having to deal with me and my issues. I have no idea what is really going on with my body, other than "you're in early labor" but no one will tell me what to expect even remotely. Every day, every few hours, is something different. I have a few miserable hours of damn near back to back contractions, real ones according to the nurses, and then it stops...only to start again in a few hours. I don't know when to take it seriously and when it's just annoying and painful. Yes, I'm aware of the "hey stupid, you need to go to the hospital now" signs...but in all honesty, I don't expect them to actually show up. Why? Because this is my screwed up body we are talking about here. It never does what it should, and if you try to anticipate what it *will* do, it comes up with something completely new. I have a lot of worries going on in my head. Most of them I'm not stressing on, they are just concerns. Shappard is the one I trust to understand them and I trust his assurances. The idea of facing the coming uncertainty without him is stressful. I am coming to grips with the fact that he will very likely not deliver Colson, but I was counting on this appt for some reassurances. Forgive me if I sound harsh. I'm very tired if being told not to worry and everything is fine, when I know full well that there is still so much that can happen."

I'm honestly surprised that it's taken me this long to lose my temper at everyone. We ALL know that I have one, that I'm not that great at suppressing it, and that I've been off my anti-crazy meds since the beginning of the month. I try to remember that people don't remember how stressful their own pregnancies were, that they are looking back through the rose-colored glasses of time and drugs. It doesn't help all that much, though. 

The past two days have been...well, I haven't been on my FB much because I can't trust myself to be nice. I made Aaron write my status yesterday, reminding people that I promise to post when I go into labor and that whoever wants one will get the text even in the middle of the night. I didn't ask him to put that last part, but he did, and now I have a list of about 30 people who want to be freaking notified. Apparently FB reading isn't good enough for them! I had him write it because 3 times yesterday I had people ask me "So have you gone into labor yet? Has the baby been born? Is there an update?" and each time I tried to respond it looked like "Did you see a fucking update? Did you see me say I'd gone into labor? Do you see a fucking pic of my son? No? Then guess what - I'm still fucking pregnant, stop fucking asking me". Yes, all those fucks really were in there...only I didn't post it, because it's not nice, and it's not their fault that they're excited. I just want to be left alone. It's like they think I'm going to give birth in secret and not tell anyone - because, you know, I've been just SO QUIET about being pregnant since two days after I found out, right? And even AFTER Aaron posted that for me, and people were like "add me! add me!" one of the people who asked to be added STILL posts "checking FB for baby updates!" and I know I'm the only one she knows that is pregnant right now. They don't trust me and it's pissing me off. A friend said I should post "the next person to ask me if there is an update or if I've gone into labor isn't going to get told until the child is 2 years old". At this moment, that is really rather appealing...although I wouldn't go that far, more like "next person that asks for an update isn't getting one".  

So that's what's going on over here. A lot of tension, a lot of frustration, a lot of exhaustion, a lot of waiting, and a lot of anger at people. 

*Updated* Aforementioned best friend just came by to talk to her hubby, who is over here gaming with my hubby and the rest of the boys. She came back to say hi, and I attempted to apologize for snapping on Monday. Her response? "No worries. You have no idea how much slack you're getting because we all know that you won't get to do this again. What I often want to tell you is CALM DOWN and STOP WORRYING SO MUCH!" So...it's different because I'm infertile and this was pure luck? How the FUCK does that work? And apparently I made zero impression with telling her to stop telling me to relax and stop worrying, if she's willing to come over to my house and say it to my face. 

So. Angry.

Today was supposed to be my last appointment with my doctor before he went on vacation for a week and a half. I got a call about 20 minutes ago because they are having some sort of issue with the xray machine in the office (I didn't even know they had one!) that is causing them to close the clinic for a few hours and they wanted to reschedule. They couldn't get me in today, so instead I get the meet the only doctor I've never even seen in the hallways tomorrow. He's the other doc that delivers babies, but since I'm refusing to have any doc in the practice deliver this kid other than my doctor, I don't really care that I get to meet him - beyond being able to say that I have met them all now.

I am so angry and scared. My doc was supposed to transfer me to the hospitalists after our appointment today. Now that we're not having that appointment and he's leaving, I don't know what's going to happen. Is he going to transfer me anyways? Is the other doctor supposed to do it? Is he half as efficient as my doctor is? What about his nurse? Are they going to understand my concerns? Are they going to blame them on being a "first time mom"? Because so help them if they do...if they think there are problems in the clinic now, I'd like to see them get blood off the walls. Now is SO not the time to be learning a new doctor.

Panicked. Yes, that's the word. I am panicking. I am trying not to, because I know it's not good for Smallfry OR my BP, but I'm still panicking. It seems like I made it this far only to have everything go sideways. Pregnancy once again trying to teach me that I have zero control over life?

An actual trial run...

Thursday night I ended up having Aaron take me to the L&D at a little after midnight. I've been having contractions all evening, and they were about 7 minutes or so apart by my calculations. We both figured they were going to send me home, but I wanted to know what was going on. See, I am still not sure what is and isn't a contraction - whether it's him moving particularly violently, my cervix just being an irritable bitch, me being sensitive, or a real contraction. I'm a rather visual person, so being able to see them on the screen and associate that with what I feel helps a lot. Not to mention that Smallfry's HB speeds up whenever a contraction hits and goes back down when it's gone, which is another good clue.

We got there at about 12:15am, got them to unlock the doors so we could go in, and I staggered my way down the hall to the L&D ward. They got me all hooked up, and proceeded to ask me about a million questions. I had somehow assumed this would be like my first trip, where they hooked me up and left me mostly alone, or my NSTs, where they hook me up and completely leave me alone until they're ready to take me off. This time the nurse didn't leave the room at all - it was sorta annoying. I was feeling particularly guilty about making Aaron lose sleep, and I wanted him to sleep in the room while they were monitoring me, and he couldn't DO that with her yammering. At any rate, my contractions were 4 minutes apart...but they weren't very strong according to the machine. Considering that some of the smaller ones hurt more than the bigger ones, I don't have a clue...but apparently I have quantity and need to work on quality. :)

She did a cervical check - I am (or was then) dilated to 2 but still only about 50% effaced. There's pros and cons to having a check done by someone with smaller fingers: It didn't hurt as bad, but she couldn't reach my cervix very well and I'm convinced she was in there up to her shoulder! It also made me realize that dilation is entirely relative to the size of the hands of the person doing it. For example, my doctor has bigger hands than the nurse. He tells me that 2cm dilated is his first two fingers side by side. Monday I was "not quite 2cm" according to him - his fingers were still slightly crossed. Now, ffwd to Thursday where I have a nurse with smaller hands. If 2cm is 2 fingers side by side, then of course I would be a 2 to her and a "not quite 2" to my doc. If this truly is the case, I think I will stick with my assessment of a 10: When you can shine a flashlight up there and see the light come out of my mouth. (Yes, I actually said that to my doctor - he laughed really hard at me.)

The past few days have been...painful. Lots and lots of contractions, but no pattern. They're getting more intense most of the time, and I was almost in tears last night. Still have my plug, still no show, still haven't had my water break. The skin on my stomach is hellaciously sensitive - almost like when you have the flu and your whole skin is painful, but it's just my abdomen. I'm ok as long as I wear something that doesn't rub, and as long as no one rubs my belly. Touch carefully, fine - rub, and I might bite you. I'm getting bitchier by the day because I'm miserable. I never thought I would get to this point, be that pregnant person. I haven't done anything ELSE normally, why would I do this part?

I am due 2 weeks from today. I am resigning myself to the fact that my doctor is not going to be delivering my baby. I don't want to do this for another 2 weeks - did I mention miserable? And pain? Back, legs, abdomen all hurt. I'm tired of contracting and just want this kid OUT. No, I am not going to get my membranes stripped nor will I be induced. Doc prefers not to do either, and I know he won't induce until 39 weeks...at which point he will still be gone, so it's moot anyways. No, I am not going to follow the old wives' tales and have lots of sex and go for long walks - if an amniotic fluid check with a swab feels like someone is shoving a splinter of a 2x4 up my hooha, I don't think a penis is going to be any better. My first cervical check hurt so bad that my face turned white from pain, according to Aaron...again, I don't think a penis is going to be any better than a couple fingers. Long walks? HA! I couldn't even take long walks BEFORE I got pregnant, let alone now that I'm so much pain it's all I can do to shuffle from the back room to the bathroom and back. I'm "doomed" to wait this out - I want Smallfry to come out when he's READY, and not before, no matter how much I complain.

You call that a contraction?

So Friday at my NST, I had a couple actual, honest-to-goodness contractions. Small ones, mostly, with a big one thrown in for good measure. They asked me if I felt them, and I responded with "should I?" So..no. I did not feel them. The only reason I knew something was going on was because Smallfry's heartbeart freaked the hell out - it got really fast, and fluttery, like he had arrythmia. Whatever, right? I mean, I've been having BH contractions for weeks now, nothing new.

Until yesterday. I had my NST yesterday, and there were LOTS of contractions. Small ones, again, with more big ones thrown in for good measure. Again they asked me if I was feeling them, and again I replied "should I?" My doc appears astonished that I'm not feeling them. I don't know what to tell him other than "this is me we're talking about, here...how is it that you're surprised by anything my body does or doesn't do?" They were fairly regular, or so it appeared to me on the monitor, but not big enough or close enough together for them to be concerned. I was sent home with the instructions to "time them and if they get 5 minutes apart, come back in. Or if your water breaks, of course". What I really wanted to say was "How do you expect me to time what I can't freaking feel?"

And thus I am still at that stage. I still don't know what contractions are supposed to feel like. They tell me that my abdomen will get tight - my abdomen already feels like a rock because Smallfry is so compacted in there. I am able to identify body parts at this point, something *I* haven't been able to do before beyond "it's a limb". If I go on the assumption that the stabby pains I feel in my cervical area along with the mild increases in pressure that make it feel like I have to pee are contractions, then I am feeling them and they're still going. I've been feeling those pains for a month, though, so I don't know that I CAN count them as contractions. I'm tired of people telling me "you'll just know when you go into labor" "there won't be any doubt when you are actually having contractions" and "you're a first time mom - you'll go to your due date, probably past, and you need to stop worrying". Hello? Just because I'm a first time preggo doesn't mean that I'll hold to the norm. I haven't been normal up to this point, I see no reason to start now. And no, I don't know when I'm having actual contractions - see those things on the monitor? Yeah, I don't feel them, and the only way I know I'm having one is because THE MONITOR TELLS ME SO. Oh yeah, and I don't HAVE a monitor at home.

Ugh. I am freaking out the past few days. I'm paranoid, and I know it, but I'm just trying to go with it. Trying to convince myself not to be isn't going to work, so I may as well accept it. I'm done with being pregnant, which is not a state I ever thought I would reach, but it's getting tiring. Apparently my husband is done with me being pregnant too - he says the shiny has worn off. Poor boy. At any rate, things are...progressing...more or less. I'm crossing my fingers (but not my legs) that these contractions or whatever in the hell I'm feeling hurry things along so I can have this kid over the weekend. :)

Officially Full Term

There hasn't been much to update on lately, hence the total lack of updates for almost a month. I'm still going for NSTs twice a week, and everything is still fine. The most exciting thing that's happened was me having an actual contraction while hooked up last Friday - not that I felt it, but it was on the monitor and my doc confirmed it. Whee?

I've been having a LOT of what I assume are braxton-hicks, and they get downright painful at times - enough to make me cuss a blue streak. Based on that information, I have decided (all by myself!) that labor is gonna SUCK. Ain't I a genius? :) Hopefully they'll be able to give me an epidural - still have to talk to my doc about whether he thinks they'll be able to find a spot in my messed up spine or not. He'd better tell me yes - he's already in trouble. Why? Because when I first found out I was pregnant and what my due date was, he assured me that he should be in town because it was near his anniversary. As it turns out, he is leaving the 15th and won't be back until the 24th...and I'm due the 27th, assuming I go to date. That appears to be questionable on the part of the general public - I keep getting told I'm "ready to pop" and "scary pregnant" and "there's no way you're going to go all 40 weeks, there's just no more room for him to grow". I don't know WHAT they're talking about..

That was taken last night, when we realized I have officially reached full term status - 37 weeks. Who thought I'd ever make it this far? I most certainly did not. Of course, there are a lot of things I was certain would happen if I ever got pregnant and not a one of them HAS *knock on wood* and I've experienced a lot of things I was unprepared for. Back to my doc: He's hoping I don't go into labor while he's gone because he does NOT want to miss this. He knows how hard we've worked and has been tremendously supportive and understanding this entire pregnancy - I don't think I could have a better doc! I've informed him that if he can't be there, I'd far rather have the hospitalist than either of his partners - one I dislike (she's a "purist", very "by the book", and that simply does not work with my medical crap) and the other I don't think I've ever even seen in the hall, let alone met and been treated for anything. How sad that I'd rather have a person with whom I have zero relationship than the partners at my doctor's office? Like I told him, though, at least I *know* she knows what's she's doing, since she works in L & D and does this all the time. He agrees.

Of course, working in L & D doesn't always mean they know everything. A few weeks ago one of the nurses and I were talking while she was setting me up for my NST, and I got the usual "is this your first?" question. To which I replied "Yes, and my last." She wondered at that, so I told her it took us 6 years to get pregnant with this one and I have no intention of having another at 39. She proceeded to tell me that she has some infertility problems but is very careful not to get pregnant (which? just made my head explode), so she understands - but that lots of people who have trouble getting pregnant are able to get pregnant easily after the first one, and that when you stop trying it just happens. That's right - I got the "when you just relax it happens" speech from a L & D nurse at 8 1/2 months pregnant. I managed not to say anything, but I really wanted to. I didn't point out that if we have to do a C-section I'm having my tubes tied, and if we don't that Aaron is going in and getting snipped as soon as we can afford it. It feels very strange to plan for those things after trying for so long, but...one is all we can handle, I think.

My shower was on the 20th, and all the pics are up here if you want to look at them. I'm still taking pics of the things we've received, like all the blankets and the gear we've received as hand-me-downs from friends. I haven't been sleeping well lately, so I'm having an even harder time focusing on anything or remembering what I need to do. And speaking of sleep - I've been awake again for a few hours, it's 6am, and I'm going to try and go back to sleep. Maybe the couch will hurt less today....

Drop it already!

Sooo....I looked down today and noticed that I appear to have more room between breasts and abdomen now. I don't think it looked like that a few days ago - I've been carrying up under my ribs pretty much the whole time. Enough so that a nurse friend of Aaron's was astonished at how high I'm carrying. At any rate, I've actually had a HARDER time breathing the past few days - and if he's dropped, it should be easier. We all know I'm backwards, so that doesn't surprise me in the least. I feel asthmatic, or like I've been trying to tie my shoes all day (which just doesn't happen these days - yay for slipons!)

I am going to post 2 belly shots - the first one was taken at 31w2d, and the second one tonight (I'll be 34 weeks tomorrow). Tell me - does it look like he's dropped? (please don't mind the clothes, or the stretch marks!)

For those of you with experience - how long do you think (if he's dropped) I have before he makes his arrival? I'm betting 3 weeks....

Seriously?

I got my Babycenter email today (it came yesterday I just didn't check it) for my "hey, you're 33 weeks, here's what's going on". It also contained a link that said "What pregnant women worry about". Given yesterday's post about my paranoia, I checked it out to see if I was even remotely normal. After reading the article, all I can say is "seriously? THIS? THIS is what normal pregnant women worry about? Good Lord Almighty what I wouldn't give to be normal apparently."

In case you don't want to read the article, it's things like "can I handle the labor pain? Am I going to be a good parent? Can we afford this financially?" Don't get me wrong, I worry about that stuff too...but they don't keep me up at night. What keeps me awake is all the stuff I learned from the blogosphere all these years!

A Sample of My Thoughts

I am seriously paranoid these days. Like, enough so that I didn't get much sleep because my brain kept me away with paranoid thoughts and I couldn't shut it off. A sample:

Last night, before bed:
"I wonder what defines 'pelvic pressure'. Everything says 'beware of pelvic pressure, it could signal pre-term labor or birth soon, depending on how far along you are'. I feel...full. Like when you have to pee REALLY bad and have waited almost too long, or you eat too much. That kind of full. Does that define pelvic pressure? Or is it a different feeling? Smallfry IS head down, and the web says that with him like that it could cause pelvic pressure and backache. But my back always hurts, between my spine being effed up and the sciatic nerve flaring up. So that really isn't a good indicator...but the pelvic pressure I should watch out for. And pre-e could show up at any time, and it's another indicator of that, but I don't know what to look for! I should call Trish... (my doc's nurse)"

Early morning (5:30am) gave us this:
"I should call Trish. I mean, I'm leaking fluid and I don't know if it's amniotic or not. It's colorless and odorless, like the web says. It's not CM, because I have some creamy CM and we all know you can't have watery and creamy at the same time. And there was that *pop* that I felt/heard earlier tonight and now I have MORE fluid than I did before and what if the sac got a tear in it and I'm leaking fluid and Smallfry doesn't have enough, and I don't know what that does but I know it's really bad and he hasn't been moving as much lately and what if he dies and I don't know about it. Ok, so he's moving a little, but what if I'm imagining it because I'm so used to it?"

This morning brought:
"You know, Smallfry hasn't moved much during the night or this morning. I hope he's ok. I'll have some sugar, that usually wakes him up. *insert eating cookies here* He's still not moving, I'll give him time. *10 minutes* Well, he's moving a little but nothing like usual. I should call Trish. No, no, they'll think I'm paranoid. Wait, I AM paranoid. This isn't going to go well.... Also, shouldn't SOMEONE have checked my cervix my now to see if I'm dilated or effaced or anything? I mean, I AM 33 weeks, when do they start this? I should call Trish and ask...."

And this afternoon:
"I wonder if they'll induce to save my sanity. I'm not sure I can take 7 more weeks of my brain. I know we're weaning me off my meds, which means this isn't going to get any better, and I still have a step to go before I'm off, and I don't want to be induced before the beginning of March anyways since that will put me at 36 weeks. I still wonder if they'd do it. But won't I feel like a wuss? 'Gee, sorry, I need to be induced because my BRAIN can't freaking HANDLE me being pregnant anymore, even though my body is...doing ok, for certain values of ok.' I mean, seriously. There's no physical issues other than the pain, no complications that I know of. I mean, yes, I'm worried he could die on me and I'd have no idea until it was too late. But that's just because I'm paranoid...right? Yes, going crazy, don't mind if I do - wanna come? Maybe I'd do better with him on the outside. I'm not READY for him to be on the outside, but at least then I stop worrying about my body killing him and start worrying about other things. I should call Trish and ask."

So far I haven't called Trish. :) I have an NST tomorrow, which I'm sure will show me that he's just fine like it always does. I'm having them twice a week now, I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, although I meant to. I have a doc appt in a week and if I can hang on to my sanity until then, I'll try and remember to talk to him about the paranoia. Unless, of course, it gets worse, or something happens, or..... *sigh* here we go again...

NST's oh my!

Everything is good. I'm measuring 32 weeks exactly, just as I should be. I've gained a total of 12# (17# if you include the 5 I originally lost, which my doc is). My glucose test, which I passed, was not as good as he'd like and so he is classifying me as "borderline"...nothing unusual THERE, I've been borderline EVERYTHING for years, I swear. He's not comfortable putting me as full GD, and even if I was there isn't much they'd do differently from what I'm doing now...so as long as I'm not having any issues (which I'm pretty sensitive to any sugar changes, or struggling to keep them steady), he's not going to list me as GD. HOWEVER:

I start NST's twice a week as of tomorrow morning. I know several of you have had/are having them routinely, so they're nothing MAJOR to worry about. I know he's being cautious, just because he knows me and knows that my body prefers to be as contrary as possible. The pregnancy, for example - none of us expected it to go this well *knock on wood*. We expected lots of pain, GD, bedrest by 5 months, pre-e, the works. And? Yeah, you've been reading so you know how it's been. So NST's just to be on the safe side and keep an eye on us. The hospital is only 5 minutes from the house, which is only one of the reasons we chose to have the baby there. (I want to be in labor as little as possible - it, and the pain, scares the bejeebus out of me.) Doc tells me that it's pretty similar to last weeks "trial run" - I go in, they hook me up to the heartbeat and contraction monitors, and I lay there for anywhere from 20 mins to an hour. Sound about right?

Today was also a good day for baby stuff - my MIL's best friends daughter brought us over two huge bags and a couple boxes of baby boy clothes (she has two, and a little girl, and isn't having any more), as well as a bouncy chair and a swing! We sorted through the clothes, kept most of them (except greens and oranges - Aaron has red hair and was carrot orange as a baby, so I don't want to run into color clashes!), and started doing baby laundry with Dreft today. Next step is to find one of my dolls, dress it up, wrap it up in one of the blankets, and let Inara get used to it and the new smell.

Speaking of Inara, we may have figured out what she's doing with the bedding! We have our bed that we sleep in, and the smaller one that I nap in, and she has HER bed (plus the couch, chair, and smaller bed) that she sleeps in...but where will the baby sleep? There's no surface available! We think she's trying to "share" her bed. :) Once we get a mattress for the crib, I'll put the doll in there and see if her behavior stops.

The dog has me panicking

Yes, you read that right. My dog's behavior has me panicking. About what, you might ask? That I'm going to go into labor soon. No, I don't think I'm crazy, but I might be!

See, I've been in nesting mode for a few weeks now - perfectly normal, I'm assured. Then there was Monday's L&D trial run, right? Well, Tuesday morning when we woke up, Inara had dragged her bed out of her crate - something she has never done in the past 2 years that we've had her. She did it again Wednesday and Thursday nights....and this morning it was in place, but she slept with me on the couch. Aaron and I went into the bedroom for about an hour and when we came out, she had pulled her bed out again.

Knowing she was trying to tell us something but not sure what, we washed all her bedding. Maybe it stunk? Maybe it had fleas? Who knows? So we washed and dried it, something we've done a few times. I put it down on the floor while I folded the blanket that goes under it, and she immediately bit it and dragged it closer to her. I put the little bed in the crate, she dragged it out. I put the big bed (usually in the computer room, but we moved the computers to the back today) into her crate and told her to go to bed...and she walked in, and dug up the corner, flipping it over. I called her back out, straightened it, had her go back in, and this time she laid down. I put the small bed in front of her crate (so maybe the kitten will sleep on it instead of in the crate!) and she started biting it again.

I'm just a stupid human, I know. I KNOW she's trying to tell me something, I just can't figure out what. She's showing signs of nesting - messing with her bed, wanting to go out and pee more often, pacing around. But she's not the pregnant one - I am. She knew a week before we found out that we were pregnant - her behavior around me changed, she was underfoot all the time. So now I'm wondering: If she's nesting, is she trying to tell me I'm going to go into labor in the next few weeks? Everything I've read about pregnant dogs says "a few days to weeks" that they start their own nesting...and it's been several days, so a few weeks? My shower is in 3 weeks - I CAN'T go into labor before that. I really really don't want to go into labor before the beginning of March, when I'll at least be full term. Does anyone out there have any ideas on her behavior?