Because I love you so much....

I am going to share two videos I came across today.

#1: The Old Spice Guy - he has a new video. I love the Old Spice Guy. He is one of the few black men that I find terribly attractive!

#2: Songs that Rock Stars will sing when they are old. The Eagles one cracked me up, but the last one almost had me rolling on the floor.

I hope you find them both as wonderful as I did. If I come across any more today, I promise I will update this post with them!

L&D Trial Run...I guess....

I guess you could say we had an exciting Monday evening. Let me backtrack to Friday, when this started:

Friday night I was getting into bed, rolled over to get comfortable, and felt a LOT of pain in my lower left quadrant of my abdomen. It's the same place I have felt round ligament pain since I was about 10 weeks along, but it hurt a lot more. I figured I just...pulled on it too hard or something. Painful, yes, but worrisome, no. I decided to take it easy for the weekend, let it rest. I bet you can guess how that went!

Saturday morning the nesting bug hit. While Aaron was putting the Christmas bins and painting stuff in the garage, I decided to clean the panty. Not the shelves, just the tools and boxes on the floor. Why? I don't know. Because it needed to be done? I've given up asking why I clean what I do these days - none of it makes any sense anyways! At any rate, I was up and down off the floor for several hours. Down is relatively easy to do - up, not so much. Lots of strain on the muscles trying to heave this bulk around. :) By Saturday night I could barely walk. I hobbled around the house, making all the boys feel sorry for me (I think...) and not doing much of anything.

Sunday we decided to go grocery-cost comparison shopping. Thankfully two of the three stores we went to had the motorized wheelchairs, but the first one didn't and my hips (which already have issues thanks to the fibro) decided they wanted to join the pain party. They rarely let an opportunity go by! I was pretty much shuffling by the time we were done with the first store. By the time we were done with the last, I was ready to crash...so I did. We came home and I slept on the couch for a few hours, feeling only slightly more human when I woke up. When we went to bed, the pain in that same area, which had been bothering me tremendously all weekend, decided to REALLY get my attention! It started surging in waves, going across my abdomen, up my ribs, and into my back. I was in tears it hurt so much...and I began to think that maybe I hadn't just strained that ligament, maybe I tore something. Nothing I did made it stop.

Early Monday morning, like 5:30 am, I got up and called the doc. I'd been awake every 2 hours since Friday anyways (I've apparently entered THAT stage), and this was worth getting up for. Called them, left a message for my docs nurse, and went back to sleep in the spare room where I at least wouldn't keep Aaron up. Waited for most of the day for them to call me back (highly unusual) before calling and finding out that my nurse wasn't in and whoever listened to the messages apparently didn't see fit to pass the message on to the nurse filling in for her. I spoke to that nurse, gave her the full details, she talked to my wonderful doctor...who decided I should go to L&D for evaluation. Oh boy!

So...Aaron came home early to take me in. I probably, maybe, could have driven myself but I was worried that it might be something serious and wanted him there. We got checked in, they put all the monitors on me, and...nada. "Strong, healthy, active baby" was said a few times - and he was. His little heart was chugging along between 150-170 beats per minute, he had the hiccups, moving around and kicking. No contractions, nothing. They decided that I did what I originally thought - I pulled a muscle, strained that ligament a bit too much. At least nothing in their demeanor said "she's a paranoid first time preggo"!

And that, my dears, was our trial run. I hope it goes that smoothly (for the most part) when it's actually time! They didn't have any information on me, because I'd never been there before and the doc hadn't faxed over the info, so we were left waiting and wondering in the room for a while. I wasn't overly fond of the Charge Nurse, but since she isn't delivering Smallfry, I guess I don't really care. I assume (hopefully) that they'll be more...on the ball...when I show up in labor. :)

Squick Factor

I had my 30 week appt yesterday, at which we discussed the delivery - what happens when, what the doc does and doesn't do, etc. One of the questions Aaron's book told me to ask was "do you give the baby to mom directly after delivery?" My docs answer: If everything is fine, he will put Smallfry...on my stomach.

Where? What? GACK! There's...blood, and amniotic fluid, and possible meconium! And you're going to put it WHERE? On my STOMACH?! *shudder* I'm usually fairly ok with bodily fluids. I understand that having a child means I'm going to have to get used to cleaning up everything you can think of, and be willing to be puked/pooped/peed on. I am not my sister, to pass out whenever one of the kids pukes or comes in bleeding. It's just...the idea of having all that, that has been swirling around for 9 months, deliberately put on my stomach...it's too much to grasp. Did I mention I have an EXTREMELY sensitive belly button? I may NEVER get all the ick out!

Aaron tells me I will be too enamored to care. I'm thinking "I have a multi-track mind. While one part of me is enamored by our son, the other part of me is going to be gibbering in the back of my brain because there is ick all over my stomach!"

So tell me, girls...what was it like for you? Did your doc put your newborn, straight out of the womb, on to your stomach? Did the ick even bother you? help!!!!

Are you ready yet? I bet you're ready, aren't you....

I swear, what is WRONG with people these days? I am 30w1d, and since Thursday I have heard the following remarks:

"Are you ready for baby to be born? You look like you are."
"Oh my, you're all belly! You're going to have a big baby!"
"I bet you're ready for the baby to be born, aren't you...."

People, please! Stop wishing a preemie birth on me! This child needs to stay in for another 10 weeks. No, I am not ready for him to be out. Nothing is prepared, the nursery isn't together, the baby shower is in about a month,  the house isn't childproofed, and I'm not ready. Not that I'm sure I ever WILL be ready, but in 10 weeks (give or take a few days) I will HAVE to be ready. So please, for the love of all that is holy, stop trying to convince my child that he should be born early!

And? Stop telling me that I'm going to have a big baby. Yes, I love that people are actually noticing that I'm pregnant. It makes me unbelievably happy, all things considered. My shadow and/or reflection still startles the crap out of me every time I see it! Yes, I know I've only gained 7# from my starting weight (11 over all, if you take the 5 I initially lost) and that it's pretty much all boob and belly. No, my doc doesn't think I should gain more - he's very happy with the weight gain. My chances of having a big baby? Probably not so big if you consider that those 11 pounds are baby AND fluid, and that I'll probably lose most of that upon delivery. According to websites, baby is about 3 pounds right now. He'd have to gain 6-7# in the next 10 weeks for me to consider him "big" and I just don't see that happening. I'm measuring right on track now...I was a week ahead two weeks ago, and I'm now 29 3/4. So - normal size. BACK OFF PEOPLE, before I GIVE you all this information.

*gets off soapbox* *hangs head* It's not going to get any better, is it....

Do YOU know how your reproductive system works?

Because these people apparently do not, and I don't understand how they got to be in their 20's (at least!) without understanding the vital role that our bits play in our bodies. Witness the pertinent bits of this conversation:

R: I'm getting my tubes tied and I'm excited cause no more babies and i don't have to worry bout birthcontrol 

C: u can still get pregnant hun i know 3 people that got their tubes tied and they got preg

Me (because I can't stand the stupid): And those 3 people were exceptions, not the rule. If it's done properly, and the docs check to make sure the tubes don't go back together, the chances of getting pregnant are slim at best. Add in that they don't tie them any more, they actually use a laser and sever them, and those chances go down even further. Yes, it still happens. People get pregnant on birth control or when they shouldn't be able to have children in the first place. Miracles happen. That doesn't mean they happen to everyone every time. If getting your tubes tied didn't work, they wouldn't do it. 

C2: Haha why not just get a hystorectomy? No period! Yay!

Me: No period, no estrogen, added hormone replacement therapy so you don't go into menopause...

C2: Menopause isn't so bad. I went through it for 7 months. And the added hormones are just a .25 mg pill and all is well. And everyone I have talked to about the hystorectomy said it was the best decision they ever made. I'm actually going to get one by the time I'm 30. No other choice but. It seems better than a tube tie. Just my opinion tho, Haha well more power to you then :) congrats on the tying of the tubes! Yay! No more kids haha :) I spoiled myself with the no period thing and never want it back :D lol plus most of my problems happen around that time so if I can prolong it forever? Yes please :)   


....my brain, it hurts. When did having your uterus removed because you WANTED to become a good thing? I mean, having it out because there is NO OTHER CHOICE...that's one thing.  Taking it out because you don't want to have your period anymore? How did that even become an option? How do they not know how sensitive the hormone balance is in the body? This type of thing should seriously be taught in high school! Know your basic biology, people, especially if you plan on running amok and taking organs out at random just because you don't want them to perform their function anymore!

Final answer....

I got a call from my nurse yesterday afternoon. I passed the 3-hour test! WAHOO!!!

We also went on a tour of the L&D area last night and can I say, I'm glad I'm not the one who is driving me to the hospital? I would totally go in the wrong entrance, although I'd end up in the right place eventually! So lost, but the husband knows where he's going and since he's taking me, that's a good thing. He said last night "They threw a lot of information at us. I'm not ready for this...." Um, welcome to my brain?

I called my dad and told HIM about the test results and what it meant as far as delivery goes (no induction, no C-section, unless for OTHER reasons) and that it meant I might actually get to have this kid whenever he decides to make his appearance. My fathers response? "Well, if that's the case, I won't be able to be there. I have to give my work at least 4 days notice." Whatever, dad - I'm pretty sure if you called them and said "My youngest daughter just went into labor" that they'd let you take a few days off to come up here. Apparently the birth of his grandson doesn't mean as much as I'd thought. Of course, I'm slightly relieved not to have to deal with him the first few days while we bond with Smallfry, but still...that's not REALLY the point here. My mom dropped everything when my nephews were born and raced up here, but apparently my dad can't be buggered. It's not like he works a lot - they've cut his hours down to about 10/week, so I'm sure they could find someone to fill in. He just doesn't WANT to, and that idea upsets me.

Next month is hella busy. The first week of February involves a doc appt, 2 classes, and a photo shoot! I have another class the following week, a doc appt the week after,  my baby shower the week after that, and the last doc appt of the month - at which point we go to weekly appts, assuming I haven't had said child. :) I feel like a regular social butterfly!

Nesting sucks

(I haven't posted the results of Saturday's GTT because I don't have them yet.)

Nesting sucks. Really really. There is so much I want to do, and so much I can't do because it involved lifting things that are over #25 pounds, or come from above my head. I can't even wash my hair these days without causing small pain from my sternum all the way down to my pubic hone from stretching...I don't DARE lift things down from the tops of the closets.

Closets. The TOPS of them. Which I can't reach without a chair. Why am I reorganizing those again? Oh yeah, because my brain tells me to. It also tells me that I have to go through all the computer CDs/DVDs and throw some out and otherwise sort them. It tells me that I have to sort through all the stuff in the "cat room" with is also the "junk room" and sort THAT out/find an out-of-sight place for it. That one at least makes some sense - the door is now blocked off with a baby gate so the cats can get in but the baby can't. The clutter is now open to viewing and I want it at least somewhat neat.

But the rest? It just doesn't seem baby-related to me. I thought nesting was "getting the nursery together" and "washing and folding all the baby clothes and blankets" and stuff - you know, directly baby related. I CAN make all of this be baby-related if I try: We are moving the books into what is currently the computer room (why? Because my brain said it was a good idea...) and the computers to the back room. Sorting through the computer stuff and getting rid of a lot makes sense because it's less to move. I also want to be able to fit it all into a smaller table instead of the dresser it's in. What will happen to the dresser? Well, it goes into the cat room. Why? I think you know the answer. I will be sorting through several chests of papers and art supplies, and what is left will go into the dresser. One of those containers will go into the back and be used to hold some of the stuff currently in my desk.

Me, my OCD, my sense of perfectionism, and my scattered brain are currently howling in frustration because we can't work together. Somehow I will get this all done, but the question is: Before or after I go insane? Because I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't do all of this on my own - there's too much lifting, and walking, and I'm plagued by "what ifs" while I'm alone. I don't even like leaving the house by myself these days because I'm scared that one of these times my water is going to break and I'll be alone. Have I mentioned that I still have 11 weeks to go and my water is in no danger of breaking, most likely?

Someone tell me - is nesting like THIS normal? Am I getting out of control?

GCT results

I just got a call from my nurse about an hour ago - I failed the test. Is anyone surprised, really? If you are, you don't know me very well! I've been saying from the beginning that I would end up with GD, considering I was already on Met for being glucose intolerant. My sugars should have been below 140, and instead they were 170. Because I wasn't even close to being borderline, the doc is going to have me do the 3-hour test. Yay me. I don't know when it is yet because they haven't called me to schedule, but probably soon because he wants to get on top of this RIGHT NOW. And I swear, if one more person tells me "the test isn't that bad" I might scream. This will be the 4th time I have taken these tests - I know exactly how bad they are. The 1-hour is not as bad as the 5-hour, and while I haven't taken a 3-hour yet, the 3rd hour of my 5 hour test was the WORST. I thought I was doing to die I felt so bad - which is no wonder, considering that my sugars were 33 (I was hypoglycemic at that point).

I have my Rh shot on Thursday - anything I should know? Side effects to worry about?

At my appt yesterday I was measuring 29 weeks, although I'm only 28w1d (yesterday). After failing the test, I think we know why. I guess I should probably start looking into inductions and C-sections. I remember Wilma having hers, but I really don't know much about them. Ugh. Can't say I didn't see it coming, but I find myself continuously trying (and failing) to put my head in the sand. Yes, I know, women fail the 1-hour and pass the 3-hour all the time. I don't think I'll be one of them...

Random Updates

Yes, I'm a terrible updater, but you already knew that. I intended to chronicle every week of this pregnancy, but you can see how well THAT worked out. I could blame several things, but the real reason is...I don't know what to say. When I talk about how the pregnancy is going, I feel like I'm complaining. A friend actually said "all she does is complain about being pregnant", which...isn't really what I'm trying to do. Being pregnant is WEIRD. Just WEIRD. There are so many strange things going on, like feeling movements and kicks that feel like my stomach flipped (like it does when you're nervous) to Smallfry having the hiccups, to all the usual pregnancy stuff that goes on. A running commentary is my style when hanging out with people, or when something is going on in my life, and to be told that I'm complaining makes me just clam up. I've come here and stared at the blank screen many times in the past 7 months, but I can't bring myself to write anything.

Well...at least I'm going to try and write something today. If it seems like I'm complaining about anything, just don't read me. Especially don't do so if you're one of those who thinks infertiles don't have the right to complain. (Oh hey, starting point!) I am so tired of hearing "You wanted this" any time I mention something hurting, or feeling yucky, or having no energy (thank you fibro!), or just being tired. Why, yes, I did want this - does that mean that I don't still have the right to experience pregnancy as every OTHER woman who wanted this? I mean, a lot of people who have babies want them...yes? And they get to experience all the fun aches and pains and tired and sick? WITHOUT being told "you wanted this"? How is me being infertile any different - did I somehow want it MORE, and therefore don't get to enjoy it as much? I should "suffer" in silence? And on the subject of phrases I am so tired of hearing, "if you think it's bad now, just wait" is getting up there with the "just relax" of infertility. I mention being so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and I get "oh just wait until 3rd tri, it gets so much worse". Because, you know, I have a choice in waiting? Oh no, please let me experience that now, I don't want to wait! *eye roll* And being told to "breathe" any time I start worrying about anything. Yes, I know, my friends have been through this before...and yes, I remember them worrying about everything too. So why do I not get to worry? *deep breath* Ok, rant over...I think. :)

So: I started 3rd trimester on Monday. I'm still not sure how I got this far, but I'll take it. I definitely look pregnant, or so I'm told - I still don't see it from my "top down" perspective, but I see it when I look in a mirror or catch my reflection. I feel like I should be bigger, but eh...I'm sure that will come with time. Smallfry is measuring a few days ahead, but not enough for the doc to change my due date. I've only gained about 12 net pounds, but the doc is happy with that so I'm not worried either. I have my GCT next week, which I am SO not looking forward to. Even if I somehow miraculously pass the test, it's going to make me sick - it always does. Yay for the husband having the day off to take care of me! (I told him he didn't have to, he insisted...say it with me "awwwwww")

The rundown:
1st tri I was a zombie. 2nd tri I actually had a little energy and only needed 1-hour naps instead of 2-hour, and not every day. 3rd tri...I am not actually sleepy-tired, but I feel physically exhausted even when I don't do anything. Still not needing naps every day, and the naps I DO take are anywhere from 45-minutes to 2-hours, depending on how I feel when I wake up. I start with the shorter one and if I wake up groggy and disoriented, it's back to sleep I go. It's been hard to get used to this kind of tired, where I don't really want to sleep but I feel exhausted. The fibro has been gearing up thanks to all the wet weather, so that really isn't helping much. Smallfry has been really active of late, with lots of hiccups and movement. Monday he hiccuped so much it was starting to hurt ME!

Over the weekend, Chuckles came to stay with us for a few days on his way to see Giggles, who just had their 3rd child about 6 weeks early. He bought us a crib! Why? Because we bought THEM one when their first child was born, and he's in a position to "pay it forward" essentially. So yay - good deeds paid back, and Smallfry has a place to sleep. Not only that, but Chuckles was meeting one of Giggles old friends for lunch and when he told her that he bought us a crib, she asked if we needed a changing table, because she had one she was trying to get rid of! So we have one of those too. :) I'm all excited! Last night one of the husbands' old friends came by...and brought me a BIG gift bag full of baby clothes in all sizes, as well as a few "mommy gifts". :) Maybe some day I'll actually get pictures taken of all the stuff we've gotten and get them put up on our baby site.

I'm also scared these days. I have roughly 87 days until this child is born. I feel like I'm on a "trial period" - you know, like when you start a new job and they have you on a probation period? Yeah, trial period until I become a parent. :) I know my life is going to change dramatically, but I don't really know how. I don't know what his sleeping habits will be, or how often he'll want to be fed, if I can even breastfeed, how much direct attention he'll need or if he'll be an independent child. When do I start buying diapers? DH says we should start stocking up now...but I have no PLAN. I don't know how many I'll need in what size for how long, how big this kid is going to be when he comes out, how fast or slow he'll put on weight, how long we'll need diapers, when he'll potty train (yes, thinking that far ahead because DH's plan is to buy a box of each size until we reach the top and then start over). How many onesies do I need? Blankets? Regular clothes? Do onesies go UNDER regular clothes? What kind of clothes do I need for a late-March baby? Will winter clothes and footie pj's be too warm?  Am I going to go crazy after he's born? Will I be one of those moms whose PPD is so severe that I throw my child? Can I DO this (not that I have a choice at this point...)? Can WE do this? I'm terrified of the changes coming - I don't do well with a lot of rapid change, but I have no choice BUT to deal with this one as it happens. I'm just scared I'm going to mess it all up.

Baptism? Christening? Help!

I find myself in a position that I didn't ever really think about - that of "hey I'm going to have a kid and I know people do these things but I don't know why or how or who". We aren't involved in a church, mostly because we're too lazy to get up and go and partly because we have a harder time finding one that fits both of us - Baptist being the closest.  DH says that the hospital has clergy of every denomination on staff and that they can do both of those things as soon as the baby is born. But...

Is that the right time? Do we wait a few week/months for the christening? Years for the baptism? I know I've seen christenings done in the churches I've been to, and the baby is still very small and new, so that would seem to imply weeks. Like...at least 6, since I refuse to take my child out into a place with a lot of germs (a store, theater, church) until that point. But what do I do then? And why am I doing it - aside from "because that's what you do"?

And baptizing them into a certain religion - I'm not sure what I think about that. Shouldn't the child be able to choose what religion to be? Does baptizing them at an early age negate that option, or is it more so that if said child dies before being able to MAKE that decision for themselves, they're "covered"? Does anyone ever resent being baptized at birth? I mean, what if my child decides (god forbid and no offense meant to anyone) to be an atheist or agnostic - wouldn't baptizing them upset them later, since they didn't exactly give consent? I know, I know, I'm the parent...but I don't know how to be one of those and I can't ask my mom what she did when I was born, seeings how she's not a ghost and doesn't answer me. I could ask my dad, but chances are he won't remember - and probably won't admit to that either.

Help! Someone explain all this to me, pretty please!

Gender results are in!

We are having....

No, we don't know what we are naming him yet. We had a name picked out, but it's become very popular I believe and the one thing we agreed on was that we didn't want our child to have a popular name like we did. So...it's quite possibly back to the drawing board. We have (hopefully) 20 more weeks or so to figure it out.

Remiss

I know. I have been terribly remiss in posting updates about this pregnancy. As a matter of fact, it appears I haven't posted in 3 months...and I have never gone that long without posting. I don't suppose "I've spent the majority of the last 3 months asleep" counts. No, I didn't think so. Well, let me update you for those who might still be following.

I am now 19w 5d. You can see my belly shots at Totsites, and we've been fairly good about taking them weekly.Be warned that the ultrasound pictures are up there as well, and the few items I have for the nursery. If you do go visit, pretty please sign the guestbook!

I have been blessed with an easy pregnancy so far. *knocks on wood* It hasn't proceeded the way I expected it would - I anticipated much heaving and nausea, blood pressure and sugar issues, bedrest, etc. You know, all the bad stuff that happens to us. Why? I'm not really sure, except that it took us 6 years to get pregnant and my body hates me...so why shouldn't it be rough? Instead, I was an absolute zombie for the first 10 weeks. I staggered out of bed and off to work, where I proceeded to attempt to stay awake. It was really hard during training, and I apologized repeatedly to my trainers - thankfully they understood and did their best to keep me awake. I couldn't be left alone for 30 seconds or I'd drift off! I would then come home and sleep for about 2 hours until Aaron got home. Up for food, maybe some internet, and then back to sleep for the night. Rinse and repeat until about 10 or 11 weeks. I did have some nausea early on, but discovered that continual snacking keeps that at bay - yay for goldfish and cheerios! I also started showing at about 8 weeks, for those who knew what they were looking for.

Week 12 or so, I was less tired. Less tired enough that we actually got some yard work done that has been in the works for about 2 years. :) Starting at about 16 weeks I started nesting, of a sorts. I decided that we should remove all the caulking and silicone in the bathroom because it was a little moldy and redo it. In the process, part of the wall popped off and we discovered a lot more than a little mold and rotted wood. So...for the past 3 weeks, my bathroom has been torn apart and we are re-doing it. Just the tub area, and no I am not working with much in the way of chemicals. Just the silicone!

My dreams have been really vivid and REALLY weird. Most of the time I can figure out where the different elements of my dreams are coming from - books I've recently read, games I've played, people I've been around. Not so much any more - they're random.  I have a lot of worries and am getting tired of people telling me not to worry. When you've lived in the IF world, you know the things that can go wrong and how fast and it's hard NOT to be concerned.

So far I haven't had to get any new bras. I was out of my regular clothes completely by 9 weeks. Nothing has been done on the nursery (other than putting in my moms dresser) because we can't afford it. Hopefully by the time Smallfry arrives we'll have stuff - my shower is sometime in January, I think. We find out next week what gender Smallfry is, and I am totally stoked. Everyone thinks we're having a girl and I hope so - Aaron will settle for human, and I'll settle for alive.

Ok, I'm starting to input really random thoughts at this point. I think I'll go get ready for work, and I'm going to try harder to update. I'm just having a hard time with it on many levels, so please be patient with me.

Halfway!

I am now halfway through 1st tri! I know, it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I'm making it...especially, as Aaron points out, the first half is usually easy because you don't even know until you're about 4-5 weeks along. But hey - I have now known that I am pregnant for a week and a half and the kid is still in there! I plan on celebrating every milestone I can possibly think of. And? Being halfway through 1st tri means I'm halfway through no caffeine - just 7 more weeks and I can have a Coke! I haven't had any headaches from lack of caffeine yet, for which I am eternally grateful.

Symptoms thus far? Sore boobs, although not nearly as sore as they were for the first two days. Nausea almost all day long, but not too bad...and no puking yet, yay! Tiredness - good lord am I tired! I didn't sleep well for M/T/W last week, but I've made up for it since. I keep falling asleep in the middle of the day - not good, but I've been told to sleep when I need it. I'm taking something akin to Tylenol PM at night to help me sleep - doc said it was ok. Oh, and my pants - I can't wear them across my tummy like I usually do. It makes me even more nauseated than I have been!

I keep getting surprised at the rate at which things are happening. Like the pants - I thought that didn't happen until you started to show, but apparently it happens earlier...especially for those with sensitive tummies. And the tiredness - again, second and third tri, right? Nope, first, while the kid is growing in leaps and bounds. I didn't think my boobs would grow until later either, but everything says they should start growing NEXT WEEK! I think they're over achievers and have started early though. I went to try on maternity clothes last week, just to see what size I'm in now so I know where to start. The lady tried to convince me that I'd probably only gain a cup size - I laughed at her. I know, so rude, but I couldn't help it. I've gone from a 36B to a 40C since we've been together - and according to Lane Bryant, I'm actually a 36DDD (but 36 isn't comfortable on me). So yeah...not going to gain just one, I guarantee it. I had to try on a 40E with an extender just to get one that had a little room in the cup as it is!

Other than that, and the husband painting the room that will be the nursery, everything is relatively calm. I'm supposed to start my new job on Wednesday but I don't have the paperwork turned in because the lady won't call me back to answer my questions.

Heartbeat!

We have a heartbeat! I am so excited I could freaking burst! Instead I've been dancing around and "squee"ing all afternoon. I am finally excited. That's a real kid in there - it has a heartbeat, we're doing ok. I was terrified they'd find an empty sac, that I'd managed to convince myself I was pregnant and trick my body. Or that there would be no heartbeat when there was supposed to be one.

I have to wait until next week for the official results, because my doc is on vacation, but the tech said it looked like I am measuring where I thought I was - 6w3d. Go go Smallfry! Yes, that is the childs bloggy name - Smallfry. :) And yes, we are considering Kaylee as a first name. Why no, we aren't Serenity/Firefly fans, what gives you that impression? Just because my dog is Inara, and my child is Smallfry? :D

I have set up a Flickr stream for baby pic stuff. The ultrasound from this morning is there, as will be my belly shots (when do I start those, anyways?), and any other baby-related images. I figured a central spot was good, so all my family could get to it too without having to come here (GACK!).

The results are in...already.

I got a call about 2 1/2 hours ago from the docs office.

"Where are you?" the nurse says. "Home", I replied, a bit puzzled. "Are you sitting down?" she says. "Yes, I'm in the living room on the couch. Oh God, please don't tell me I'm pregnant" I say as I begin to panic. "Yes, honey, you're pregnant!" cheerfully replies the wonderful nurse.

4816 is the number. I'm about 5 weeks along. This is my mothers fault - hers, and the rheumatologist. See, when they put me on the latest drug that I am (was) taking, he warned me that the drug makes you infertile. HA! I told him we were infertile already and it would take a miracle. He replied with "Well, miracles do happen, even when they aren't necessarily welcome." I laughed. I shouldn't have. And my mother? Well, before she died and was still...sane, we were discussing how Aaron and I were done, we were happy with our lives. And my wonderful, dear mother said "You know you'll have your first one at 33, because you wanted to be done at 30." And? Well, I turned 33 last month, 3 days before my last cycle started. I think I need to have a talk with my mother about staying out of my sex life, just like I did when I was a teen.

I always swore I would never tell anyone until 1st tri was over, but I've been telling everyone. I need support. I'm freaking out. I don't have my mommy, and I don't think I can handle my MIL hovering over me. She's going to be ecstatic. At one point she complained to my SIL that she was never going to get to have grandbabies because we couldn't have them and my SIL was dating (now married to) a man who was snipped. She said this OUT of my hearing, but SIL reported it to me because she was furious. I am already going to have to lay ground rules for the MIL - no smoking anywhere near me, nor the baby once it is born (assuming I make it that far). She's not going to like it, but I am not going to do anything to jeopardize this one.

I'm freaked. I am alternating between "I need a crib! A carseat! We're going to have to rearrange the house, and what about the animals?" and "I need to eat better. I don't think a coke and cookies counts as a healthy breakfast." I'm terrified that my period is going to show up after all. I don't think I can handle it if it does. I am so lost right now....

It figures...

I always have tests in the house. Always. Except...I don't. I have 2 boxes of unopened OPK's, which I will never use again unless a doc orders me to, but no tests. So...even though I was going to test this morning, I didn't get to. AF still hasn't arrived. Doc told me on Friday that if it doesn't show up in a week to come get my blood drawn - hell, I can probably convince the other doc to do it on Wednesday for me!

Fun times!

Fun times are happening around here. I figured I'd better update y'all. :)

For starters, I gave myself a moderate concussion yesterday. How did I do that, you ask? (I know, because everyone else has asked too!) Well, we are in the process of rearranging the house. And in my world, when you rearrange one room, you inevitable end up doing 3 rooms, if not more. Aaron started in on the "red room" (our spare room, which has deep burgundy carpet) and moved the bed away from the West wall and under the window in the North wall. Well...that made it so that the side of the bed that was facing the wall was now facing the room...which, of course, meant that I had to take the mattresses apart and fix the bedding, right? And of course I would do this when no one was home to help me, right? Right. So. I took the mattress off, leaned it against the closet behind me. I then took the blanket I'd been using as a bed skirt (the bed is a double, my sheet sets are queen...see the problem?) and decided to tuck it under the box spring so it wasn't on the heater. I was standing at the end of the bed, where the bookcase is (see where this is going yet?), and lifted the box spring to tug the blankets. Now...the next few seconds are a little hazy. I don't know if I lost my balance, or if the box spring shifted, or if the world just tilted on its axis, or what, but I fell sideways and slammed my head into the corner of the aforementioned bookshelf. Insert much cussing here. I told Aaron about 30 minutes later and he immediately wanted to come home and take me to the ER - I insisted I was fine. A friend came online about 30 minutes after that and was quite convinced that I had a concussion, and those are simply not to be messed with. I called the Nurse Line, who decided I should go in. So...about 3 hours after hitting my head, Aaron got to come home and take me in. Another hour later and I was in for a CAT, which came back clear. Still nauseated and headachy, but apparently that can happen for up to a month! Brains do not like being sloshed about!

Second bit of news: Starting at 6:45 Monday morning, I am once again, after 6 months, employed! *shout from the rooftops* I have a job! That's right - I'll be a wage earner once again, and none too soon either. It's another damn call center job, doing more tech support, but it's work. I'm getting on brain meds now, and if I end up having to go on Top@max again, at least I'm not taking the fibro meds I was last time.

Speaking of fibro meds: I've been on Sulf@salazine for 6 weeks or so, and it's working. I was supposed to go get a refill today, but...well, I'm on CD30. Cycles are normally 23-25 days, with the random 28 thrown in for confusion. The last time I recall having one like that was 6 years ago this weekend, when I miscarried my chemical pregnancy...when I started the whole TTC journey in the first place. That cycle was 31 days. The rheumatologist warned me when I started on this med that if I became pregnant I needed to stop it immediately. I'm out of meds, except what is waiting for me at the pharmacy...so I'm not getting them, and I'm testing in 2 days. I don't know if I'll remember to post the results or not, but if I don't, then chances are very good that AF showed. Lord and Lady help us if I am....I'm finally used to my life the way it is! Which, of course, means that is EXACTLY what Fate/Karma/You Name It was waiting for...

A call for help

Gwendomama is a fellow IF blogger that I have been reading for about a year now. At that time, I came across her situation from the LFCA - her husband physically abused her in front of her kids. She took them and ran. It happened on April 13th, but she didn't tell us the full story until May 19th.

Since that time, she has fought with the legal system and with him. She had a stay-away order, which he got around by living on the other house on the property, which was only 20 yards away. He refuses to pay any of the bills, or move, or move his stuff, or pay child support. Still. Still, after a year and some, he will not pay anything towards his children. Yes, they are now farther from him - about 40 miles. He also still believes that his actions were perfectly fine - nothing out of the norm.

I could continue with link after link after link detailing what this man has put Gwendo and her kids through. But I won't. Because I'm hoping you'll go over to her blog and read her story. And then? I hope you'll help her out if you can. I can't, not financially, not yet...but I can do this much for her. I can use my blog to hopefully reach other people, who might be able to help her. The internets banded together and solved a few problems, but...there's more. There's a lot more. Until her ex-jackass starts paying child support and stops having his head up her ass, she's a single mom who needs help. So please...if you can...she has a paypal button up on her page, and is working on getting a PO box for those who want to send her goodie boxes.

My time is coming to be able to pay it forward. If you've ever had someone help you, and you're in a position to do so, now is a good time for you to pay it forward as well.

Birthdays

Sunday is going to be my 33rd birthday. I don't know what I think about that. This time around I seem to be a true Gemini on the subject, which is rather unusual for me.


Do I celebrate? Do I *want* to celebrate? Do I just want to run away and hide for the day, or should I go out? Cake or no cake? Remind my family and friends or don't? (My mother in law can never remember when it is, even though it's 5 months before her sons, exactly. Last year she didn't even wish me a happy birthday - I am still bitter about that.) Do I even want presents? Should I just tell people that if they want to get me something, send money so I can go get whatever I want?

I don't want to be an attention whore, but on the other hand...it's my birthday. I feel old. My hair is more grey than I had realized - I dyed it black, and it's fading out to my natural color (which was the intent) but because I haven't dyed it, I am truly seeing how much more grey there is than the last time I get it grow. I have honest-to-god streaks of grey. I should say silver, because it sounds better and they *are* shiny and not the dull grey you see in some women, for which I am grateful. We used to call it mithril, but that's because we're geeks. So then we get into the "Should I re-dye my hair? Well, I'd like to, but on the other hand I really need to let it heal. It's taken a beating and while it *is* getting better, it's still rough and dyeing it isn't good for it." Did I mention I feel old? I got a recent dx of arthritis in my spine, along with everything else.

I am having a rough time, mentally. I don't really think it's the age. It doesn't feel like it has anything to do with mom, although I will miss her call. I think it's just the fact that it's my birthday, again. We have no money with which to really celebrate it, husband doesn't get to go out shopping for me (although we did buy a kick-ass blender), and I doubt he'll even have time to get a card, nor will he think about it. My dad's card won't be here until Monday at least, my grandmother said her stuff will be here Monday or Tuesday. We're going to have cake with the boys on Saturday. It looks like my actual birthday is going to be just...another day.

The newest fad diet

I assume that most of you have heard about the newest fad diet - the hCG diet.

There is much ire going on with me. Every time I hear a commercial I want to scream. My blood pressure soars, my stomach gets in knots. It is not good.

We all know what hCG is, or we should. As people trying to get pregnant, we rely heavily on those numbers to tell us what's going on with the pregnancy itself - is the beta rising, falling, not doubling like it should?

And now? People are WILLINGLY injecting themselves with it daily for a minimum of 23 days, up to 40 days, or until they lose 34-40 pounds. Now yes, that sounds appealing. I need to lose about 40 pounds, and I could do it in 40 days with this. But wait - there's more! While doing those injections, the people are only allowed to eat 500 calories. 500. Lets see...I'm sitting here are my desk drinking a coke and eating a snack-size bag of Fritos. My coke has 140 calories, and my Fritos bag has 320. I am now only allowed another 40 calories for the DAY. Really? The claim is that you don't feel hunger pangs because your body uses your own stored fat for energy and sustenance. Great - turn my body into a cannibal why don't you! 500 calories isn't even enough to support your normal brain function!

Does the FDA approve? Of course not. They know it's not good. They approved the use of hCG as a fertility drug. Guess what? Injecting yourself with hCG tricks your body into thinking it's pregnant. Using hCG improperly, as a dietary aid in this case, can cause you to get pregnant if your body turns the tables on you! Only...you won't know it, because a pregnancy test is GOING to come up positive if you're using the damn hormone and because you're tricking your body into thinking you're pregnant, you may experience other pregnancy symptoms (nausea, tender breasts, swelling). So now you ARE pregnant, but you don't realize it, and so when you go off the injections after 6 weeks, you have no idea. Meanwhile, you're feeding your poor fetus 500 calories. A coke, a snack pack of Fritos, and maybe a Hershey's kiss. Yup, that kid is going to come out JUST FINE. Oh - lets not forget OHSS, which is also a real risk with injecting yourself with hCG.

hGC is a controlled substance. You can't just walk into the store and get it - you have to have a script. Your regular doc isn't going to give it to you, not if he's at all smart. So where do you go? To one of those damn weight loss clinics, where the docs will give you a script before you can blink. These are the same people who thought the Atkins was a good idea, and probably the tapeworm diet of long ago. Really - you're going to trust people who thought that eating a tapeworm would be beneficial?! After more research it looks like it's available online - even better! Let's just order something we know nothing about from the internet and inject it into our bodies without knowing anything. How many of us had to take classes to learn about PIO injections?!

Let's talk about the weight loss too. The claim is 34-40 pounds within the 40 days. Most people lose that - those that don't come back after 6 weeks and try again...and that goes for those that the weight comes back for. My doctors freaked out when I lost 15# in 2 weeks due to a random side effect that I was never able to duplicate, generated from starting two meds at the same time. I repeatedly stopped them and started them again after a few weeks to see if I could make it happen again, but no go. It was just a random occurrence. My doctors also freaked out when I gained 20# in a month from a medication. Apparently neither one is healthy to do, shockingly enough. Yet...these weight loss "doctors" are counseling people to lose the equivalent of that 15# every two weeks. It's not healthy! A couple pounds a week, yes - and we're talking 3-5 pounds, and if it's done in a healthy way, like exercise and not drugs.

People are so...hooked...on trying to find a fast way to lose weight. You didn't GAIN that 40 pounds in 2 months, what makes you think you should be able to lose it? I heard once that it takes twice as long to lose the weight as it did to gain it - so those who are pregnant and it took them 9 months to gain the 40 pounds, you're looking at 18 months to lose it! But people try crash diets and fads, injecting and ingesting all manner of unknown things, just to lose weight. I'm not a proponent of exercise - I'd be a hypocrite if I was, since I never get off my ass. I also don't try fad diets. I watched my mother try diet after diet after diets I can't even remember when I was younger, and her weight just yo-yo'd up and down, it never stayed off. My mother, like me, was not a big eater. She ate more than I do, but I eat barely enough to meet my metabolic needs (and I'm not even 100% certain about that!) She gained baby weight and just never managed to lose it. After every diet, she ended up gaining more weight than she lost.

I can't help but wonder...what long term side effects is this fad diet going to have? How is it going to affect the fertility of those involved? If your body gains an immunity after 6 weeks, what happens if you get pregnant when you go off of it? Will your body recognize that it is actually pregnant, or will it just go on as it normally does...which means if you don't realize it, that fetus could starve? What happens to the men who take this? Yes, hCG is present in their bodies as well...but the amounts are very small, and this will boost it. I'm just really worried and angry about this whole thing. It's the worst fad to come along in a long time, and all because docs want to make money.