Heartbeat!

We have a heartbeat! I am so excited I could freaking burst! Instead I've been dancing around and "squee"ing all afternoon. I am finally excited. That's a real kid in there - it has a heartbeat, we're doing ok. I was terrified they'd find an empty sac, that I'd managed to convince myself I was pregnant and trick my body. Or that there would be no heartbeat when there was supposed to be one.

I have to wait until next week for the official results, because my doc is on vacation, but the tech said it looked like I am measuring where I thought I was - 6w3d. Go go Smallfry! Yes, that is the childs bloggy name - Smallfry. :) And yes, we are considering Kaylee as a first name. Why no, we aren't Serenity/Firefly fans, what gives you that impression? Just because my dog is Inara, and my child is Smallfry? :D

I have set up a Flickr stream for baby pic stuff. The ultrasound from this morning is there, as will be my belly shots (when do I start those, anyways?), and any other baby-related images. I figured a central spot was good, so all my family could get to it too without having to come here (GACK!).

The results are in...already.

I got a call about 2 1/2 hours ago from the docs office.

"Where are you?" the nurse says. "Home", I replied, a bit puzzled. "Are you sitting down?" she says. "Yes, I'm in the living room on the couch. Oh God, please don't tell me I'm pregnant" I say as I begin to panic. "Yes, honey, you're pregnant!" cheerfully replies the wonderful nurse.

4816 is the number. I'm about 5 weeks along. This is my mothers fault - hers, and the rheumatologist. See, when they put me on the latest drug that I am (was) taking, he warned me that the drug makes you infertile. HA! I told him we were infertile already and it would take a miracle. He replied with "Well, miracles do happen, even when they aren't necessarily welcome." I laughed. I shouldn't have. And my mother? Well, before she died and was still...sane, we were discussing how Aaron and I were done, we were happy with our lives. And my wonderful, dear mother said "You know you'll have your first one at 33, because you wanted to be done at 30." And? Well, I turned 33 last month, 3 days before my last cycle started. I think I need to have a talk with my mother about staying out of my sex life, just like I did when I was a teen.

I always swore I would never tell anyone until 1st tri was over, but I've been telling everyone. I need support. I'm freaking out. I don't have my mommy, and I don't think I can handle my MIL hovering over me. She's going to be ecstatic. At one point she complained to my SIL that she was never going to get to have grandbabies because we couldn't have them and my SIL was dating (now married to) a man who was snipped. She said this OUT of my hearing, but SIL reported it to me because she was furious. I am already going to have to lay ground rules for the MIL - no smoking anywhere near me, nor the baby once it is born (assuming I make it that far). She's not going to like it, but I am not going to do anything to jeopardize this one.

I'm freaked. I am alternating between "I need a crib! A carseat! We're going to have to rearrange the house, and what about the animals?" and "I need to eat better. I don't think a coke and cookies counts as a healthy breakfast." I'm terrified that my period is going to show up after all. I don't think I can handle it if it does. I am so lost right now....

It figures...

I always have tests in the house. Always. Except...I don't. I have 2 boxes of unopened OPK's, which I will never use again unless a doc orders me to, but no tests. So...even though I was going to test this morning, I didn't get to. AF still hasn't arrived. Doc told me on Friday that if it doesn't show up in a week to come get my blood drawn - hell, I can probably convince the other doc to do it on Wednesday for me!

Fun times!

Fun times are happening around here. I figured I'd better update y'all. :)

For starters, I gave myself a moderate concussion yesterday. How did I do that, you ask? (I know, because everyone else has asked too!) Well, we are in the process of rearranging the house. And in my world, when you rearrange one room, you inevitable end up doing 3 rooms, if not more. Aaron started in on the "red room" (our spare room, which has deep burgundy carpet) and moved the bed away from the West wall and under the window in the North wall. Well...that made it so that the side of the bed that was facing the wall was now facing the room...which, of course, meant that I had to take the mattresses apart and fix the bedding, right? And of course I would do this when no one was home to help me, right? Right. So. I took the mattress off, leaned it against the closet behind me. I then took the blanket I'd been using as a bed skirt (the bed is a double, my sheet sets are queen...see the problem?) and decided to tuck it under the box spring so it wasn't on the heater. I was standing at the end of the bed, where the bookcase is (see where this is going yet?), and lifted the box spring to tug the blankets. Now...the next few seconds are a little hazy. I don't know if I lost my balance, or if the box spring shifted, or if the world just tilted on its axis, or what, but I fell sideways and slammed my head into the corner of the aforementioned bookshelf. Insert much cussing here. I told Aaron about 30 minutes later and he immediately wanted to come home and take me to the ER - I insisted I was fine. A friend came online about 30 minutes after that and was quite convinced that I had a concussion, and those are simply not to be messed with. I called the Nurse Line, who decided I should go in. So...about 3 hours after hitting my head, Aaron got to come home and take me in. Another hour later and I was in for a CAT, which came back clear. Still nauseated and headachy, but apparently that can happen for up to a month! Brains do not like being sloshed about!

Second bit of news: Starting at 6:45 Monday morning, I am once again, after 6 months, employed! *shout from the rooftops* I have a job! That's right - I'll be a wage earner once again, and none too soon either. It's another damn call center job, doing more tech support, but it's work. I'm getting on brain meds now, and if I end up having to go on Top@max again, at least I'm not taking the fibro meds I was last time.

Speaking of fibro meds: I've been on Sulf@salazine for 6 weeks or so, and it's working. I was supposed to go get a refill today, but...well, I'm on CD30. Cycles are normally 23-25 days, with the random 28 thrown in for confusion. The last time I recall having one like that was 6 years ago this weekend, when I miscarried my chemical pregnancy...when I started the whole TTC journey in the first place. That cycle was 31 days. The rheumatologist warned me when I started on this med that if I became pregnant I needed to stop it immediately. I'm out of meds, except what is waiting for me at the pharmacy...so I'm not getting them, and I'm testing in 2 days. I don't know if I'll remember to post the results or not, but if I don't, then chances are very good that AF showed. Lord and Lady help us if I am....I'm finally used to my life the way it is! Which, of course, means that is EXACTLY what Fate/Karma/You Name It was waiting for...

A call for help

Gwendomama is a fellow IF blogger that I have been reading for about a year now. At that time, I came across her situation from the LFCA - her husband physically abused her in front of her kids. She took them and ran. It happened on April 13th, but she didn't tell us the full story until May 19th.

Since that time, she has fought with the legal system and with him. She had a stay-away order, which he got around by living on the other house on the property, which was only 20 yards away. He refuses to pay any of the bills, or move, or move his stuff, or pay child support. Still. Still, after a year and some, he will not pay anything towards his children. Yes, they are now farther from him - about 40 miles. He also still believes that his actions were perfectly fine - nothing out of the norm.

I could continue with link after link after link detailing what this man has put Gwendo and her kids through. But I won't. Because I'm hoping you'll go over to her blog and read her story. And then? I hope you'll help her out if you can. I can't, not financially, not yet...but I can do this much for her. I can use my blog to hopefully reach other people, who might be able to help her. The internets banded together and solved a few problems, but...there's more. There's a lot more. Until her ex-jackass starts paying child support and stops having his head up her ass, she's a single mom who needs help. So please...if you can...she has a paypal button up on her page, and is working on getting a PO box for those who want to send her goodie boxes.

My time is coming to be able to pay it forward. If you've ever had someone help you, and you're in a position to do so, now is a good time for you to pay it forward as well.

Birthdays

Sunday is going to be my 33rd birthday. I don't know what I think about that. This time around I seem to be a true Gemini on the subject, which is rather unusual for me.


Do I celebrate? Do I *want* to celebrate? Do I just want to run away and hide for the day, or should I go out? Cake or no cake? Remind my family and friends or don't? (My mother in law can never remember when it is, even though it's 5 months before her sons, exactly. Last year she didn't even wish me a happy birthday - I am still bitter about that.) Do I even want presents? Should I just tell people that if they want to get me something, send money so I can go get whatever I want?

I don't want to be an attention whore, but on the other hand...it's my birthday. I feel old. My hair is more grey than I had realized - I dyed it black, and it's fading out to my natural color (which was the intent) but because I haven't dyed it, I am truly seeing how much more grey there is than the last time I get it grow. I have honest-to-god streaks of grey. I should say silver, because it sounds better and they *are* shiny and not the dull grey you see in some women, for which I am grateful. We used to call it mithril, but that's because we're geeks. So then we get into the "Should I re-dye my hair? Well, I'd like to, but on the other hand I really need to let it heal. It's taken a beating and while it *is* getting better, it's still rough and dyeing it isn't good for it." Did I mention I feel old? I got a recent dx of arthritis in my spine, along with everything else.

I am having a rough time, mentally. I don't really think it's the age. It doesn't feel like it has anything to do with mom, although I will miss her call. I think it's just the fact that it's my birthday, again. We have no money with which to really celebrate it, husband doesn't get to go out shopping for me (although we did buy a kick-ass blender), and I doubt he'll even have time to get a card, nor will he think about it. My dad's card won't be here until Monday at least, my grandmother said her stuff will be here Monday or Tuesday. We're going to have cake with the boys on Saturday. It looks like my actual birthday is going to be just...another day.

The newest fad diet

I assume that most of you have heard about the newest fad diet - the hCG diet.

There is much ire going on with me. Every time I hear a commercial I want to scream. My blood pressure soars, my stomach gets in knots. It is not good.

We all know what hCG is, or we should. As people trying to get pregnant, we rely heavily on those numbers to tell us what's going on with the pregnancy itself - is the beta rising, falling, not doubling like it should?

And now? People are WILLINGLY injecting themselves with it daily for a minimum of 23 days, up to 40 days, or until they lose 34-40 pounds. Now yes, that sounds appealing. I need to lose about 40 pounds, and I could do it in 40 days with this. But wait - there's more! While doing those injections, the people are only allowed to eat 500 calories. 500. Lets see...I'm sitting here are my desk drinking a coke and eating a snack-size bag of Fritos. My coke has 140 calories, and my Fritos bag has 320. I am now only allowed another 40 calories for the DAY. Really? The claim is that you don't feel hunger pangs because your body uses your own stored fat for energy and sustenance. Great - turn my body into a cannibal why don't you! 500 calories isn't even enough to support your normal brain function!

Does the FDA approve? Of course not. They know it's not good. They approved the use of hCG as a fertility drug. Guess what? Injecting yourself with hCG tricks your body into thinking it's pregnant. Using hCG improperly, as a dietary aid in this case, can cause you to get pregnant if your body turns the tables on you! Only...you won't know it, because a pregnancy test is GOING to come up positive if you're using the damn hormone and because you're tricking your body into thinking you're pregnant, you may experience other pregnancy symptoms (nausea, tender breasts, swelling). So now you ARE pregnant, but you don't realize it, and so when you go off the injections after 6 weeks, you have no idea. Meanwhile, you're feeding your poor fetus 500 calories. A coke, a snack pack of Fritos, and maybe a Hershey's kiss. Yup, that kid is going to come out JUST FINE. Oh - lets not forget OHSS, which is also a real risk with injecting yourself with hCG.

hGC is a controlled substance. You can't just walk into the store and get it - you have to have a script. Your regular doc isn't going to give it to you, not if he's at all smart. So where do you go? To one of those damn weight loss clinics, where the docs will give you a script before you can blink. These are the same people who thought the Atkins was a good idea, and probably the tapeworm diet of long ago. Really - you're going to trust people who thought that eating a tapeworm would be beneficial?! After more research it looks like it's available online - even better! Let's just order something we know nothing about from the internet and inject it into our bodies without knowing anything. How many of us had to take classes to learn about PIO injections?!

Let's talk about the weight loss too. The claim is 34-40 pounds within the 40 days. Most people lose that - those that don't come back after 6 weeks and try again...and that goes for those that the weight comes back for. My doctors freaked out when I lost 15# in 2 weeks due to a random side effect that I was never able to duplicate, generated from starting two meds at the same time. I repeatedly stopped them and started them again after a few weeks to see if I could make it happen again, but no go. It was just a random occurrence. My doctors also freaked out when I gained 20# in a month from a medication. Apparently neither one is healthy to do, shockingly enough. Yet...these weight loss "doctors" are counseling people to lose the equivalent of that 15# every two weeks. It's not healthy! A couple pounds a week, yes - and we're talking 3-5 pounds, and if it's done in a healthy way, like exercise and not drugs.

People are so...hooked...on trying to find a fast way to lose weight. You didn't GAIN that 40 pounds in 2 months, what makes you think you should be able to lose it? I heard once that it takes twice as long to lose the weight as it did to gain it - so those who are pregnant and it took them 9 months to gain the 40 pounds, you're looking at 18 months to lose it! But people try crash diets and fads, injecting and ingesting all manner of unknown things, just to lose weight. I'm not a proponent of exercise - I'd be a hypocrite if I was, since I never get off my ass. I also don't try fad diets. I watched my mother try diet after diet after diets I can't even remember when I was younger, and her weight just yo-yo'd up and down, it never stayed off. My mother, like me, was not a big eater. She ate more than I do, but I eat barely enough to meet my metabolic needs (and I'm not even 100% certain about that!) She gained baby weight and just never managed to lose it. After every diet, she ended up gaining more weight than she lost.

I can't help but wonder...what long term side effects is this fad diet going to have? How is it going to affect the fertility of those involved? If your body gains an immunity after 6 weeks, what happens if you get pregnant when you go off of it? Will your body recognize that it is actually pregnant, or will it just go on as it normally does...which means if you don't realize it, that fetus could starve? What happens to the men who take this? Yes, hCG is present in their bodies as well...but the amounts are very small, and this will boost it. I'm just really worried and angry about this whole thing. It's the worst fad to come along in a long time, and all because docs want to make money.

I apologize...

I had to turn on the "Registered Users - including OpenID" option for my blog for the first time, even though I really hate doing that. It adds an extra step to commenting and becomes downright annoying at times. It was the only way I could think of to solve a problem I've been having, however - one post was repeatedly getting spammed by the same person (I think - it was in Oriental characters) with the same message (again, I think - Oriental characters) every day. I have comment moderation turned on for posts over 30 days old, so that the comments don't appear without my approval...but I got tired of having to reject it every day. Turning on the registered users option keeps the bot from doing that, and from my blog turning into something that boosts spam sites. Please forgive me.

Random videos

There isn't much going on right now. Went to see a rheumatologist, he's checking me for everything under the sun, making sure nothing was missed. Still don't have a job. That's about it. So...I've been listening to pandora a lot lately and have come across several songs that I want to be able to find again. You are being subjected to a random variety of videos at a whim - enjoy!

Pimping for a friend

My friend Amy wrote a novel and is in the process of editing it to submit to an agent. Part of her story was selected for a writing contest. She was all the way up to 4th place...and the entry got deleted somehow, so she has to start over. It occurred to me that a lot of you who read my stuff might actually like her story - another friend described it as "if you like fantasy or young adult (or god forbid, Twilight), you'll like this" and I agree. It's very intriguing and I would really appreciate it if you'd go take a read and vote for her!

Melissa Marr Writing Contest, Amy's Entry

PS: We have discovered that you can vote from multiple computers in the same household, as well as your phone if you have one that goes on the web - it counts IP addresses.

Naked Me

Read Me
Read Me too!


May 14th is "Bloggers Without Makeup" day, a day for us to show our real selves. Most of my pics that I have put up have been without makeup anyways, since I only wear it for work or going out, but I thought I'd put up a few anyways. Now you can see something besides my tiny profile or Facebook pics!

First up: Me, just out of a shower. No makeup, face all pale from the heat, and giving the husband "the look".

Next up: Immediately after having my gallbladder removed in 2007. You want the real me? Well, a bit dopey, but...

And last: These two were taken just a few months ago, about a week after I dyed my hair...

So there you have it - the "real" me. :)

Celebratory Society

Mel made a most excellent post today, about reaching out to others. I thought "what an excellent idea! It will give me an excuse to de-lurk on some blogs, and perhaps find others that speak to me!" Given that I am not a particularly eloquent writer, I just snagged Mel's sample post and put it here.
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Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in.  After giving back to others at the Celebratory Society, I have decided to participate in it myself.  You can understand the project in full by clicking here, but in brief, the Celebratory Society is an online festschrift for a blogger--a way for you to tell me what my blog or actions mean to you.  But this isn't about me--this is about you too.  And I would love it if you returned to your own blog, started your own Celebratory Society post, added it to the main project list, and gave me the opportunity to tell you about...you.

Hot buttons and triggers oh my!

Remember way back when I used to talk about Giggles and Chuckles quite a bit, because they were living with us? Guess who is pregnant...again? Yeah... They had the first one about a week after moving out of our house. The second one was born a year later. At least she waited about a year and a half this time...I think Chuckles was out of the state for the first little bit though, so that explains that! My MIL called my husband tonight to have him tell me, before I found out from anyone else. Like, oh, say, a facebook status. At least now I know I need to hide him so I don't see it! Once again I have learned that I simply can't tolerate some things very well...still. GOD DAMNED FUCKING FERTILES!

*ahem* *pardon me*

Another family member has found me on Facebook. Yes, I said another. So far, both uncles, my aunt, all 3 cousins, my sister, her sister D, HER sister T, and D's husband have all found me. D also had one of her granddaughters friend me. Then my brother found me through my sister - oh yay. Because, you know, I want HIM back in my life. And now, tonight, T's sister L friended me. Now I know - most of you are asking yourselves "Why doesn't she just refuse the invites?" Well...if you'll recall, I have gotten used to trying to keep family harmony. I couldn't very well have my sister as my friend and not my brother. I also couldn't think of any valid reason not to have T & D as friends. L...well, if her sisters are friends...and I remember her from when I was a kid...*shrug* it seemed ok. Until tonight. Why? I have FB up constantly - it never gets shut down unless the browser crashes or I have to reboot. So tonight I'm actually at the computer while waiting for dinner to arrive and up pops a message from L. We have the following conversation:

L: Hey, do you remember me? I used to live with you when you were a kid?"
Me: (not that it was long, but...) yes, I do.
L: You sure have grown up! I wish y'all would stop doing that to me.
Me: (Tries not to be snide about how everyone grows up, get used to it) *insert inanities about understanding, nephew growing up fast*
L: "I'm really sorry about your mom. How's your dad?
Me: (Trying not to type out my thoughts, which are along the lines of "Thank you for appearing back in my life after about 25 years and poking your fingers into my sore spots, and reminding me that my mother has been dead for a year and half in 4 days") Working, trying to retire.
L: You got married recently, didn't you?
Me: (Thank you for paying so much attention to my life while you butt in) 7 1/2, almost 8 years ago.
*(and at this point y'all know what's coming...right?)*
L: Wow. No kids yet?
Me: (Tries not to scream as the woman steps in it yet again, debates on how to answer) Nope - we can't have them.
L: Well, at least you two have each other and time to enjoy it. Not like me - we have 3.
Me: (growls, grumbles, glares and makes no comment)

Really - managing to hit the mom trigger, the fertility trigger, and the "aren't you just so grown up!" trigger in less than 5 minutes. A little impressive. My brother said he was surprised I had her as a friend - I explained the whole family harmony thing and as long as she doesn't irritate the fuck out of me on a daily basis, I should be fine. He proceeded to tell me how nosy, annoying, scheming and conniving she was. *shrug* She can't touch me here, and if she gets too bad, I'll just block her I guess.

Oy. Stupid freaking people.

On that note....I have hesitated at posting this, but I have started a blog chronicling my fibro journey. It will be how I feel when I am feeling like blogging it, bits of research I come across, etc. Much like I do with the cancer blog. If you want to read it, let me know and I will send you the link. :) I know it's not going to be interesting to everyone, so don't feel like you have to read it.

Barbaric

Strict OK Abortion Measures passed

Read that article. It talks about two bills that were passed in OK yesterday.

The first bill requires that women who are getting an abortion, regardless of reason, watch an ultrasound of THEIR FETUS and listen to a detailed description of it. The doctor MUST set the monitor up so the woman can see it and then point out heart, limbs, organs. No exceptions - not for those who were raped, or victims of incest, or terminating because the child will not survive outside the womb. This is absolutely barbaric. I believe it to be unconstitutional - it should fall under "cruel and unusual punishment". It's hard enough for women to get abortions as it is - pickets standing outside telling her she's a murderer, and let's not discount the emotional cost to a woman. She may not realize it at the time, but she will later. They are setting women up for mass amounts of PTSD. I wouldn't be surprised if the next part of this bill becomes "Make the woman watch the ultrasound machine while you perform the abortion itself, and then show her the remains". It's like we've stepped back 600 years, to when women weren't thought of as intelligent. Do they think we don't know what the fetus looks like? Do they think women just casually go "oh dear, I'm pregnant and I don't want to be. Guess I'll go down to the corner clinic and get an abortion."? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of debating and thinking and crying that goes on before the decision is made. This is just...barbaric. It's really the only word I can come up with.

The second bill prevents doctors from being sued if they failed to give the parents information on defects while the child was still in utero. So doctors no longer have to give that information out, because they are protected. If they don't give the info out, the parents can't prepare for it - or decide to terminate. Oh! But if they DO decide to terminate, refer to bill #1.

It looks like there are two other bills expected to pass as well. One makes the woman fill out a long form stating why she wants an abortion - which will then be put online as part of statistics. Talk about violation of privacy! One can only hope that they are least keep the personal information confidential and just use the numbers. But again, this is already hard enough, emotionally - why make it harder? The second bill restricts insurance coverage - but most insurance companies I know don't' cover it anyways.

Do they really think a woman who wants an abortion is going to say "there's too many hoops, I'm not doing it"? No, she'll find a back alley somewhere and have someone do it. Or pay to have someone hit her enough that she miscarries. Or she'll take drugs that will cause a miscarriage. And should all that fail, she'll have the child and hide it in a dumpster.

I hope that OK is prepared to deal with the consequences of their actions. I hope they have counseling services available, starting now, for all the shit that is going to hit the fan.

Still undecided...and rambling.

I am still undecided on the issue I mentioned in the prior post. Do I? Do I not? Does it really matter? Will it help someone? Will it harm me to dredge it all up again on "paper"? Do I want it out there for everyone to read? If I DO submit, do I do it under Tigger or another name? Do I link back to here or not? It's not like family knows about either blog, and neither do my friends. Well, they know I have one but they don't know where it is. And I've been careful (I think) not to associate my real name with them so they can't find me. And my story is...a lot of vagueness. A lot of misty thoughts, memories, etc. There are only a few concrete things, and even those are...not remembered so well.
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In other news...well, there really isn't any. The weather might be shaping up so I can start walking again. I tried to get into a clinical research trial for neuropathic pain, but they think my fibro is going to exclude me. I don't know WHY, when fibro IS neuropathic pain...but whatever.

I was doing some research today and found a lot of really interesting info on fibro from a biological standpoint. It got me to thinking: I was diagnosed with TMJ when I was 16, and hypoglycemia at 17. I have had so many digestive issues over the years. If someone comes up and pokes me, or I brush up against something, I feel a "memory" of that for a good 5-10 minutes...and have recently discovered that not everyone feels that! I never knew it was unusual. I thought I had really tense muscles or good muscle memory!

I often get asked by docs if anything worsens my symptoms and when I tell them yes, everything...they look at me blankly. I'm not sure why: An epidemiology study consisting of an internet-based survey of 2,596 people with fibromyalgia reported that the most frequently cited factors perceived to worsen fibromyalgia symptoms were emotional distress (83%), weather changes (80%), sleeping problems (79%), strenuous activity (70%), mental stress (68%), worrying (60%), car travel (57%), family conflicts (52%), physical injuries (50%) and physical inactivity (50%). Other factors included infections, allergies, lack of emotional support, perfectionism, side effects of medications, and chemical exposures. (Same wiki article I linked before) And they wonder why I tell them everything makes it worse, nothing makes it better.

After reading this article and a few others, I at least feel a little better mentally. I've been wondering if it really WAS all in my head (well, it is because it's my brain that doesn't work, which we all know, but you know what I mean...) and that I was imagining things. I've wondered why it settles in my hips, when there is nothing wrong with them. I wondered why it hurts more when I've been resting and not when I'm working - but I hurt like a mother fucker when I'm done cleaning.

I still rage against this disease that isn't really classified as a disease, but must be a disease because insurance companies don't have codes for imaginary things. I hate having this - I doubt anyone likes it - but I can't fix it. It's gotten to the point where I can't wash my own hair, because I can't keep my arms up long enough to get all the soap out (my hair is 19" long, but I really don't want to cut it). I can't brush my hair after the shower either - my husband has to help me with both things. This interferes with my life and personal care...and yet it is not eligible for disability because it isn't REAL. There is no "scientific test" that will detect it, no lab work, nothing. You can have some symptoms and not others, some people have a little pain, others so much it's not to be belived. And yet...no, it's not REAL. I could scream.

The thoughts in the brain go round and round...

I read a post by Gwendomama the other day that resounded in a spot deep within me. I followed it to Violence unSilenced, a website dedicated to stories submitted by abuse survivors. I'm not just talking about sexual abuse or physical - there's also mental, emotional, and psychological abuse. There are stories from men and women, with all varying degrees of horrifying.

But this post isn't really about the website. It's about me, and what I've realized, and I believe for the first time I'm posting a little bit on this and my thoughts. I am not posting the whole story. Maybe one of you will have some insight for me.

When I was younger I was molested by the old man who lived near us. My mom found out and put a stop to it. There wasn't any talking about it, except a few times she asked me if he had started again. I just don't think she knew what to do with it, or how it would later effect me. Hell, I'm still not sure just what effect it has on me, how much of my issues can be blamed on him or the things that followed.

My first real boyfriend was a controller. Mom knew it, tried to tell me, I wouldn't listen. I thought he was sweet, always wanting to know where I was and if I was home yet - that he missed me and wanted to talk to me. When I went to college, there was another boyfriend - this one was mentally manipulative. Then John, who cheated on me and I still stayed. My ex-husband, who was controlling in every way, shape, and form. My ex-fiance, who was emotionally unavailable and made me feel like I was an emotional wreck.

I exhibit some of the classic victim signs, especially if someone is angry with me. I fall into the "it must be my fault. I didn't do right. If I had handled it better, it would all be ok and they wouldn't be angry." Even when it's not my fault, they're just taking it out on me or being a prick...I still fall into that. I spent my first marriage apologizing A LOT. I noticed last night after a personal confrontation with a guildmate that I thought was a friend that I do this. I never REALLY realized it until then, after reading Maggie's site and seeing the stories of behaviors.

The problem is: What do I do with this? How do I NOT react like that when, as I think back, I've been doing it for over a decade? Maybe longer, but I am not sure of that. I know my parents didn't abuse me in this manner, although my father was also mostly emotionally unavailable (which explains most of the men in my life being that way as well) and my mother had MPD when I was a kid (one of which was a very angry person). So...who knows? I just don't know what to do with this. I haven't yet decided if I want to submit my full story to Maggie or not - the whole thing is "mild" compared to what I've read, and yet they repeatedly say that abuse is abuse is abuse - mild, severe, and in between. I just...don't know.

My mother, My sister, and Me

(cross-posted to Colorful Medication)

I got a call from my dad last week. My sister had her annual mammogram and an ultrasound of her only remaining ovary ( I don't know why the latter was done). They found a lump in her breast and a cyst on the ovary.

Fuck.

The tech told her to just wait 6 months and get tested again. In an uncharacteristic move, my sister actually disobeyed and went to her regular doc. Given family history (which her doc knows all about), the doc has decided to give it a few weeks and do the tests again. So...the Monday after Christmas, my sister is having another mammy and u/s. If the cyst is growing, they're just going to remove the ovary completely. My sister said she's not willing to risk a single cell remaining and have it come back like it did with mom. Of course, they did a total hysterectomy on mom too...but I won't point that out. I don't know what they're going to do about the lump - I guess it depends on size. If it's small enough, perhaps they can just remove it and biopsy it like the did with mom's.

I...can't go through this again so soon. Or ever. But really - it's barely been 13 months since mom died. I simply cannot deal with the fact that my sister might have cancer. And what if she DOES? What if it becomes not a "might have" but a "does have"? I can't go down there like I did with mom - my sister lives 8 hours away. Then there's the whole "I'm not exactly THAT close to my sister" factor. We're sisters, but we're not best friends. We've spoken...4 times? since mom died. Maybe. That's being generous. We just don't talk that much. We're 10 years apart, we didn't grow up together - I was 8 when she got married. We got closer when I moved out on my own, but still - we're not close. She didn't even bother to tell me any of this - I had to hear it from my father. And when I asked how she was holding up? She just told me about the appointment. I don't understand her in the least. She also has more than just her husband to take care of her - she has two sons, at least one of which will help out. The youngest...he's taking the route of my brother, so I don't count on him. But still. I just can't do this. I can't fathom the possibility of losing another family member to cancer. I...

Can't. Won't. Don't want to. The idea makes me want to go into a full-blown panic. I want to run screaming. I want to cry. I want to throw things. And this is all before I even have any answers.

I feel bad...

I just went through my blog reader and deleted some blogs I've been following. Some because they never update anymore and some because they've simply gone in a direction that just doesn't work for me. The ones that don't update...well, I kept them around for a long time because if they DID ever update I wanted to know about it. There's one still there like that, because I'm really hoping that she'll come back. Really, really hoping. The rest...well, I don't know. I didn't really read them that long, so there isn't really a big connection. I still feel bad, though. I don't update that often, although I do at least update more often than once ever 6-8 months. I know I still have at least one reader (hi Jess!) and probably more than that, if statcounter is to be believed. That could just be people stumbling by, though. I know the people I removed probably won't miss me - it's not like I'm an "Iron Commenter" or anything, and I doubt many people look very often to see who is following them and who has stopped, and it's not like they're going to contact me to find out why I stopped and it's not like they follow me. I still feel bad.

As for those who went in a different direction...that happens. What started out as IF blogs turned into mommy blogs. Which is GREAT - don't get me wrong. That's the WHOLE idea - If turns to treatments turns to baby...right? Right! Most of the time, hopefully. And baby means mommy blogs. And some mommy blogs I can handle and I'm fine with and I like reading. But some I just can't. It's all about writing style. I think these bloggers lost me a long time ago, I just wouldn't admit it. I felt...obligated? to keep reading, because I started reading while they were in the middle of IF (or the beginning) and I owed it to them to keep supporting them until the end, whatever the end was. I just...don't fit anymore. *shrug* And I doubt they'll miss me. Again - not a big commenter. And they have LOTS of followers, so I don't think one will be missed.

I still feel bad. I feel like I should keep reading.

Restless Legs

I appear to have developed Restless Leg Syndrome on top of everything else, if my suspicions are correct. The last few nights I've been unable to sleep in bed because my legs are twitching so much. I've had to sleep in the recliner, where it takes me about an hour and a half to finally get my legs to calm down. Every 15-30 seconds they twitch and jerk - feels like I have something under my skin, or they're trying to cramp.

My father called while I was writing this and I told him about it (mistake, I know). He tried to tell me it's because of the work the chiropractor is doing, that because of the adjustments I can now feel the nerves in my legs. Um, dad? It's not like my legs have been dead for the past 32 years. They're just fine - I feel pain just fine, believe me. This? Not PAINful, just really uncomfortable. I feel like a marionette!

RLS isn't uncommon for people with fibromyalgia. According to this site, "Many people with fibromyalgia suffer from restless leg syndrome symptoms. RLS causes unpleasant sensations in the lower limbs, so much so that the limbs have to be moved in order to reduce the pain. RLS occurs mostly at night, between the hours of 10:00 pm and 4:00 am, though it can also occur throughout the day in severe cases. It is thought that somewhere between 20% and 40% of fibromyalgia sufferers also have RLS." Consider now that I get off work at 9:30 at night, go to bed at about 1:30 or so, and start having issues as soon as I lay down.

It seems odd that it cropped up at the same time I started taking meds for a UTI. I've looked into it and that's really not one of the side effects...so I really think it's just coincidence. I have at least another 3 days of the meds, so we'll see what happens when I stop taking them. If it continues I'm going to have to go talk to the doc.

Joy. I needed another syndrome. I wonder if that's my superhero name: Syndrome Girl

Safe spots

It looks like I might be posting more, maybe. Yeah, yeah, I know - I keep promising I'll write more and I never do. It's not because I have nothing to say, it's because it takes energy to write and I never remember when I'm already sitting here. I think about it when I'm at work, or laying down to sleep, or something.

So what's different this time? Well, Facebook has been a place where I could say things about certain family members and not have to worry about it. I could vent that my SIL is being a PITA, or my MIL is making me batty...and all was ok. My FB has become overrun with family. MIL, SIL, BIL, Chuckles, my BIL's sister, my MIL's BF and her DH (I am LOVING all these abbrevs!) and one of their daughters... there is no longer a place for me to vent.

Which means I just might have to end up back here for my own peace of mind! Provided they don't find THIS too...