Conversations in a dental chair and other things

I had an appointment at the dentist yesterday to get my teeth cleaned. It wasn't my regular dentist or even his assistant who did the cleaning, but someone totally new. While she was cleaning, the following conversation took place:

(H = hygenist, M = Me)

H: So, do you have kids?
M: (oh god...here we go again) Nope.
H: You're lucky.
M: We've been trying for 3 1/2 years.
H: Oh, so you probably want them.
M: (Duh) Yeah, but we can't have them.
H: You could always adopt. There are lots of children that need homes.
M: (oh my god...where do people get off?) Well, if I had $18K just sitting around with nothing else to do with it, I'd certainly contemplate it.
H: Oh my! I had no idea it cost that much!
M: Once you include lawyer fees and agency fees and all the paperwork and home studies...yeah, it does. It's only slightly less expensive to adopt out of country.
H: You'd think that with so many kinds needing places to go it wouldn't be so expensive. I personally know 3 couples who've adopted children from...China, I think.
M: (Congrats lady - I know a whole community) It's just not feasible for us.
H: Well, you could always borrow my 14 year old for a week. I guarantee you won't want kids after that.
M: (sits in silence so as not to scream at her about the teens living in her house, or the pregnant friend with her second child on the way or the pregnant lady living in her house)

Where do people get off? It's really odd that this conversation took place when it did because I had just gotten done reading this story in the local paper. It's about people who have large families and the looks/comments they get...and how society feels free to barge in on a personal decision such as that. Or the lack of children. If you have no children, people pity you. If you have one, people always ask when you are having the next one. If you have three, people make comments like "Don't you know what causes that?" or "Why do you have so many?" or some such. Society likes us having our 2 kids...and that's it.

Today is our 4 year anniversary! We're staying here tonight, in the Carriage Room (I think). Aaron took tomorrow off so we could spend the day together. Some days I can't believe we've made it this far. I'm so blessed to have him for a husband. He understands me so well...most of the time. Mom says he's the perfect husband for me - and I think she's right (as usual).

Life is so packed right now. In between work and school, the drywallers are coming over the next 3 days to put the wall back up behind my washing machine and dryer. Mom is coming up tomorrow and staying for 5 days. I have a lab exam tomorrow for which I am woefully prepared because I've been spending so much time trying to fix everything else. I meet with my back doctor today to discuss the next step in treatment...which involves putting leads inside my vertebrae and connected to my spinal column, which are then attached to a generator. The generator blocks the pain signal coming from the specific area that hurts. I don't know that I want to do this, but I don't have much choice anymore. Sometime next week the floor guy should be coming in to finish my kitchen floor.

Just 6 more weeks until Thanksgiving break...I think. Maybe THEN I can breathe a little.

Unresolved issues

I just got a call from mom. The good news is that the cancer isn't in her lungs, brain, liver or kidneys. The bad news is that they still don't know where it is. There is something going on in the left quadrant of her body, however. There is a mass in her left breast, but they don't know if it's a tumor or just scar tissue from when she had breast cancer 4 years ago. They couldn't do her MRI mammogram on Wednesday because they couldn't get her shoulders into the machine without suffocating her. She is coming up here on Thursday to get one done - there is a cancer institute here in Boise that has WAY better machinery. So she's coming up and will probably stay through Tuesday morning. She says "So the good news is that I'm not dying...yet". :) Go mommy and her sense of humor! Sorry I don't have any better information for y'all, but I'm passing on what I get. Thanks so much for all the prayers and kind words of support...it means a lot to me.

On other fronts, I am trying to face the fact that my mother may not live to see me give her grandchildren. I've always kept in the back of my mind the idea that I might, someday, get pregnant through a miracle of nature. I know that it's not really realistic, but it's still a thought. Considering that I'm having a hard time still with dealing with the idea of not having children...I think I'm doing pretty well. But then I thought about mom dying and never getting to see the children I might someday have...and was almost tempted to start treatments again. IVF, IUI, adoption...whatever. Just please let me give my mom grandkids. Let them get to know her, so they don't have to know her through stories like I did for her parents. I am not ready to start treatments again though and am not sure I ever will be again.

Yesterday I held a baby shower for Wilma. Thankfully she and Giggles were the only preggos there so it wasn't too bad...although I was ready to kill her daughter by the time I left. In two weeks, however, life is going to SUCK. I'm holding a baby shower for Giggles on the 7th. She's planning on inviting a bunch of girls from her school. She attends a school for pregnant girls who want to graduate but can't go to regular school either because they are pregnant and will have to take time off, or because they had to drop out to have the child and can't afford daycare. The school had a nursery and daycare in it, so they can still go to school. Well...you see where this is going. I'm going to be SURROUNDED by women in various stages of pregnancy. In my house. Where I can't leave to escape. Ugh. I think I must be crazy. Oh well...I suppose I shall survive.

Ok...enough procrastinating for me. I need to go study and do some homework. Love all of you! *MUAH*

The waaaaaiting is the hardest part

/Tom Petty song

I went to the doc this morning and talked to him about my missing AF. As of today, she is 5/7/9 days late. The doc asked me about my stress levels...yes, they're through the roof but I've been here before and it's done nothing but make my cycles 28 days instead. I tried to explain that, and the 31 day chemical pg. As soon as he noted there was a little variation, he decided that we should give it another cycle to show up. If not, he'll do a progesterone challenge. A wha-huh? I'm going to assume Provera, since I can't think of anything else. Joy. I get to wait another month, which means that when she DOES show it's going to be a real bitch. I'm guessing that the longer you go without a cycle the more ick and the heavier it will be? I have no experience with this...I'm adrift in the infertility sea and I'm not used to that.

Also on the topic of waiting: I spoke to my mom this morning. They did her mammogram and the MRI mammogram on Wednesday - she should get those results on Monday. They also managed to get her in for that PET scan yesterday instead of next week. She will probably get those results on Monday as well. So the wait is on...just a few more days.

I keep getting ahead of myself with all of this. I"ve gotten myself totally freaked out, thinking "What am I doing to do with dad when she dies? We aren't exactly close anymore and I can't relate to him and he's not even remotely open about his feelings. How will I help him grieve? How will I take care of him? That house is too big for just him, even though it's a small house. He couldn't even manage to take care of it and himself when mom was in the hospital...let alone never coming home again. He refuses to pay the bills, even though mom told him what to pay when. He just saved it up and took it to her once a week so she could do them. How is he going to cope? Would it be better for him to stay there? Move to Burley where his job is? Move back 'home' to MA with his family? Move here with me? But if he does that I will feel compelled to check in on him several times a week. There's a reason my parents are 200 miles away. But he's my dad - it's my job to take care of him. Who is going to plan the funeral? Will mom want me to sing? CAN I sing? I think I know what she'd want me to sing but I don't know if I can do it then. It's hard normally! Where will she want to be buried? Where she's lived for the past 25 years? Flown back to MA and buried with her family? If she does that it means cremation - can we handle that? Will my brother attend the funeral? do I want him to? Will there be a will, since my father is still alive, or does everything automatically transfer to him? I'm sure he'll give me her clothes, since I'm the one who is her size...but do I want them? Can I make myself get rid of them, knowing they were mom's? What do I do????" (insert heart rending, soul searing wail from the core of my being here)

This is what's been going round and round and round in my brain since Monday. I know I'm ahead of myself...we have to get through the dx and treatment (if any) first. She may not die for years and years...or it could be next week. None of this is really my responsibility, but I always have to have a plan. Without a plan I'm lost.

I'm lost.

The results are in

Does it get much more negative than 1?

I took a test this morning because they told me yesterday that I wouldn't get my results until Friday when my CBC came back. I called this morning to ask them to please call the lab, because had I known it was going to be 3 days I wouldn't have wasted my money. They called me back with a 1.

So...I'm 3/6/9 days late depending on the cycle. I'm very obviously not pregnant. AF shows no signs of arriving. Color me really fucking confused.

Just the facts, Ma'am

I apologize in advance if this rambles a lot or has a lot of typos. It's almost 4am and I can't sleep. The meds I was taking to help me stay asleep have stopped working so I've stopped taking them. Once again I'm awake every night at exactly 3am...only I couldn't get back to sleep this time. As I laid in bed, trying to will myself back to sleep, I got to thinking about several things. I've decided to put these things down here, in an effort to get them out of my brain.

1) I have to face the fact that I may very well lose my mother this time. Apparently she and my sister talked about a month or so ago about what would happen if she ever got cancer again - before she ever knew about this. My sister told her that she felt like she'd given it a good fight; she'd done all the treatments and it keeps coming back. If mom doesn't want to do any treatments this time, my sister will not fight her on it. Mom already knew where I stand...in the same place I always do. I love my mother with all my heart and soul but I will not stand in the way of her decision. It is her choice and I will abide by it. I will not make it harder, I will not let her see how hard it is for me, I will not let her feel guilt for it. I will protect her from others to the best of my abilities and will be there whenever she needs me. She knows this - it has always been my role in her life. I am not ever going to be ready to lose my mother, but I have to learn to accept that she will not always be here. I mean, I've obviously always known that she wouldn't live forever, but it will always be too soon.

2) Giggles is going to have this child while living in my house. Her doc wants her to try very hard to keep it in for another week and a half and then she is permitted to have it. Regardless of timing, though, I don't think they are going to be out of my house before the child is born. I am going to have to come to grips with this. It's harder than I realized, but I can do it. I'm probably going to be angry as all hell, but I think I can deal with it.

3) I need to make myself focus on my schooling. I don't want to - I just want to hide - but I can't afford to. I need to stop procrastinating and study. WoW will still be there when I get done with my homework. (I just started playing a few days ago and I LOVE it!) My husband will still be there, the laundry will still be there (unfortunately)...and I can't afford to fail any more tests. I failed my first Bio test yesterday morning and have asked the prof if I can retake it because I just can't focus. Between the lack of sleep and everything else that is going on, I'm doing good to remember my name!

4) No matter what happens, I will live. Nothing I've listed is going to kill me. I may feel like it. I may be seriously overwhelmed. But I have a support network - my family, my IRL friends, and the community here. Thank you everyone for your words of support and love as my world tries to crash down and I dodge the debris. It is good to know that you're all still out there. Thank you.

My world

I'm sorry I left you hanging last time. Thanks a very whole big bunch and lots to those who left me words of encouragement, and those who didn't but might have been praying for me. It's been very appreciated. I left the comments in my inbox so I could go back and look at them when I needed a pick me up. Life hasn't been so good lately and I haven't been able to blog about it. Last post was 100...yay! So let's see...what's been up in the past big?

I'm on Welbutrin again. It seems to be helping. This is good, because life isn't cooperating.

I'm having my kitchen floor replaced and it's been a nightmare. The washing machine has been leaking and the floor is finally giving out. It's buckling, so I decided to replace it now rather than later. I got an estimate from Lowe's...almost $3K! WTF? We can't afford that, so I placed a claim with homeowners insurance. The lady came out on Friday to check it out and said the labor charge was WAY off. I called Lowe's back...and it turns out that the installer didn't listen to anything I said. He decided how he was going to redo my kitchen and that's that. I said "That shit ain't happenin' buddy" and they sent me a new installer today. Meanwhile, I called the adjuster back to let her know what the problem was. SHE decided she didn't like my wet floor being there any longer than it needed to be, so she sent a company out here to rip up my floor. UGH.

Meanwhile, Giggles starting having contractions on Wednesday. She went in to the L&D because she couldn't feel the baby move. They gave her a shot to stop the contractions and sent her home. Friday I had to take her back in. Saturday we almost did it again. Saturday night I had a total breakdown. It's a lot harder having her in the house then I thought it would be. I had really hoped that they would be out before the baby was born, but this may not be the case. She's only 32 weeks, but I don't think she's going to carry to term. I can't deal with this. I feel like a horrible person because I feel like I hate her. I resent her tremendously. I'm sick of people fawning all over her. I want her gone. And none of this is her fault. She's not doing it on purpose; I'm sure (100%) that she doesn't want to be having contractions either and doesn't want her child yet either. I still hate it.

Also, my mom just called. They think she has cancer again. It's September; I shouldn't be surprised. See, 4 years ago on September 5th she was diagnosed with breast cancer. They caught it early and she did radiation. The following year on September 5th, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was not an early catch, but as early as they could feasibly catch it. The damn tumor was 18cm! She had chemo and has been ok. We made it through last September with no cancer, although it was a tense month, only to pay for it with her problems this past winter. And now, it's September again, and her CA-125 is elevated. That gets elevated when ovarian cancer is present. Well, mom doesn't have any ovaries any more, or a uterus. This means that there were cancer cells left and they've metastasized. While the docs don't know where the cancer is just yet, when OC metastasizes, it usually goes to the brain or lungs. Y'all...I'm terrified this time. Those aren't terribly operable places. I'm not ready to lose my mommy but I have to face it this time.

She wants to have a family meeting once she knows more, with my sister and her boys as well as me. Aaron and my BIL can come if they want, I don't know if my brother will be there. I am on my mother's side, regardless of what she decides to do. She didn't want to do chemo last time, but my sister guilted her into it by saying "Fine. You don't have to do chemo. But if you don't, you have to explain to Daniel (my nephew who was 12 at the time) why you are choosing to die instead of live." Of course, she chose to do it when I was out of the room or there would have been hell to pay. NONE of us have a right to tell mom what she has to do. Of course we don't want to lose her...but we don't have to live with the effect. She does. She's 60 years old - old enough to make her own damn decisions on what she wants to do. I will stand by her and protect her from my father and sister.

AF is late. Today is CD28 and she's not here. The last time I had a cycle that was 28 days was when I had that chemical pregnancy in July of 2004, the one that sparked everything. I haven't tested yet. I don't have any tests in the house and I don't have time to deal with a positive anyhow. If she still hasn't arrived by Wednesday I will test in the morning, provided I've found time to get to the store. If not, I will see if the doc can fit me in for a beta while I'm on campus. This would just be a kick in the pants. I know there's a lot of stress in my life and stress can delay AF...but this isn't funny. Not even remotely.

To top it all off, I have been missing classes because of dealing with the house. I have an exam tomorrow that I am woefully unprepared for. And the final blow? Robert Jordan died yesterday.

I'm worried about me

(just as a forewarning: this may take a few posts or edits to complete as I am doing this in between classes)

I"m really starting to get worried about me. I feel as if all the joy has left my life. I rarely laugh any more. I might giggle...maybe...but I can't remember the last time I really, truly laughed. I don't feel alive. Anger, frustration and irritation are the only emotions I feel any more. This has been the case for a while but it's getting worse. I feel like I'm dying inside. All I want to do is drink and sleep and drink some more. I'm not...yet...but I want to. My heart isn't in my classes this semester and it's already showing. I can NOT make myself buckle down and do my work. I blame it on not having any space alone or time alone, but even when I do have time or a place I find something else to do. Like surf the net. Or read another book instead of my school books. I'm depressed and I know it...and it's worse than it's been in a long time. I can't remember when I last wanted to sit and drink...not to get drunk, but just to be more mellow. I want to run and hide and never come back out and it scares me.

MIL still hasn't stopped smoking, shock of all shocks. Her claim that she wasn't going to buy more smokes? A lie, as usual. I'm a sneaky bitch and counted the smokes in her pack yesterday, thinking that maybe she was just cutting back slowly and it was still the same pack she'd had and knowing the only way to find out was to count them. There were 12 in that pack yesterday. I counted this morning and there were 15. That means she smoked 17 yesterday...and that she's buying more packs. I had the thought that I would write her a letter, letting her know how all this makes me feel. I should have done it last week when I was fully angry, but I didn't. And now I'm having trouble making myself care. I know it won't make a difference...why should I bother?

I'll be starting back on my antidepressants once my mouth heals from my latest dentist appointment this afternoon. Last time I was swollen for 4 days and could barely eat pudding, let alone try to fit pills in my mouth. I don't think they alone are going to do the trick, though. I know they can only fix so much. Chuckles and Giggles might be moving out soon - they are going to get a list of income-based housing from one of the girls that Giggles goes to school with. That will make things a little better still, as I will not have him constantly irritating me and will give me a place to hide again.

I feel apathetic, but know that I'm not truly because I still care that I don't care. As if THAT makes much sense.

(ok, time for class. I'll finish this later, if I can bring myself to care enough)

Never Happy, Never Satisfied

If you look back through my posts or have known me for a while, you know how often I've bitched because my MIL won't stop smoking. We've made deal after deal after deal with her to get her to smoke outside. She's been promising for several years that she'll quit, but she never seems to manage to. She once quit for 4 years...only to pick back up as soon as we moved in. She did this knowing that I suffer from asthma, knowing that it was affecting our chances to have a child. She smoked outside for a little while during our IUI treatments, but as soon as it didn't work she scooted back in...about the time I started school last year, just like I knew she would. The instant I wasn't home all day to keep an eye on her, she'd be like a willful child.

Now...I know it's not easy to quit. I watched my dad struggle for years to do so and it took him being in the hospital for a week (unrelated) for him to be able to quit. I watched as Wendy stopped smoking and cheered her on with every update. I watched my ex-husband try to quit, succeed, start, quit, start, quit...I don't even know where he is on that cycle anymore. So why am I so hard on MIL? Because she's being her usual whiny self about it. She says "I wasn't going to say anything but I'm down to a pack and two cigarettes left and I'm not buying any more." This was two days ago. Tonight she comes in and says "Remind me why I'm not smoking in the morning?" Well...because you want to quit would be my guess. Don't rely on me to help you quit - this is something you have to do on your own. From the other room, after we gave her a list of reasons, I hear her say "So Giggle's baby will be born healthy".

WTF? What was that again? You don't give a rat's ass about our health, apparently, or our attempts at having a child (despite your complaints to the contrary) but you care about her child? Don't get me wrong, I think it's great, but where was all this concern when we were seriously trying? Why did we have to beg and plead and cajole and bribe JUST TO GET HER OUTSIDE? Forget trying to get her to quit - that just earned her whining to Aaron that I was making her feel like a criminal. It's my fucking house. She keeps reminding me of this. It should be my fucking rules, but I can't change a goddamn thing without her bitching about it. I've tried very hard not to make any rules, but it would be entirely within my right to order her ass outside. I'm just afraid they'd move out.

The other part of my brain, the apparently rational part, says "Why does it matter WHY she's quitting? Isn't it enough that she just is?" Apparently not, for I am very angry at her. I don't want to put up with her whiny, poor me, victim/martyr attitude over this. I am really, really glad that school starts on Monday. In the meantime, I think Foamy the Squirrel expresses it perfectly. (Warning: Language sensitive)

I am ashamed....

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I'm not nearly as geeky as I thought I was. Thanks to Adrienne for the link. Oh...and my husband? He's 79% geek. I have a long way to go, baby!

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Call for help

For once, nothing to do directly with me! :)

My SIL has been put on Methotrexate for her lupus. Prior to this the only thing I knew about it was that it was given to women with ectopic pregnancies. SIL has been forbidden to even think about the possibility that she might, one day, want to get pregnant while taking this...so she's aware of that effect. I also warned her of what I knew. :) I also strongly suspect that she has endo. She's in the process of getting tested for it - I think. At this point I'm not sure what she's doing, but the pain is killing her and she wants it done.

I know that many of you have probably taken the Methotrexate. I also know that a lot of you have endo. One question I have: Will the methotrexate help her endo pain? I'm not sure how methotrexate actually works, so I have no theories. Can anyone tell me how it works and if it might help her in that aspect?

Also, she's having horrible s/e's. I feel so sorry for her - they sound worse than what I went through when I first took Metformin (the effects of which are referred to as "salsa butt" now...). Her pharmacist told her she just has to ride it out. That would be great, if she was only taking it short term. As far as we know, she's on it until she decides she wants to start TTC...which she isn't sure she'll ever do, because of the lupus. Does anyone have any tips on what she can do to help ease the s/e's? I hate to see her like this - combined with her pain, she's hardly able to get out of bed!

Thanks girls! I appreciate your help - and I'm sure SIL does too.

Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

I have somehow developed a yeast infection. It's been around for 3 days. I think it's in response to the antibiotic I'm taking for my ear, although it's not listed as a side effect. I can't figure out any other reason I would have one. I haven't had one in...10 years? or so. Long enough that I can't rightly remember at any rate. It's driving me MAD! I think these things exist just to drive women abso-freaking-lutely nutso! I'm going to the store today but I might kill someone first!

On the killing front, Chuckles is still in danger. He loves to sass every last female in his life...both SIL's, MIL, me. When we get angry he says "I'm just teasing". He doesn't seem to get that IT'S NOT FUNNY. At least Giggles is ok with me slapping him, which I've done several times. He brings out the worst in me and it's frustrating. I have a hard enough time controlling my temper without someone intentionally provoking me just because he thinks it's funny. He also doesn't understand tone of voice and hasn't learned to read behind the words. Everyone knows that women rely on these two things to communicate. The smart man will learn this lesson quickly. The stupid one listens to just the words, filters it through his man brain, and then acts. Even when I am totally NOT subtle and tell him to knock it the fuck off...he doesn't get it. I've never met a more dense male in my LIFE!

Aaron had to ask MIL yet again to take her ass outside to smoke. Every time. Without fail. It's making Giggles nauseated to be exposed to it. Of course, we told her before Giggles arrived that she needed to go outside for the health of the baby and Giggles. She agreed...but then only goes out if Giggles is in the back room. Well, the smoke is getting into the kitchen (because it's an open area!) and making her sick. She's asked MIL a few times to go out, and MIL will...twice...but then she's back in. So Aaron got to be really firm with both her and FIL and told them it was making it hard for Giggles to breathe (he misunderstood, apparently) and they said they would. I doubt it...if they cared about someone's ability to breathe, they'd go outside always already since they know I have asthma. We'll see what happens. I don't want to get involved because it won't be pretty, but I will if I have to. I have no problem with ordering them to go outside or stop smoking.

School starts in 2 1/2 weeks. On one hand, it's only 2 1/2 weeks away! I haven't gotten 1/4 of the things done this summer that I wanted to. On the other hand, it's still 2 1/2 weeks away! I want/need to get out of this house. Chuckles will hopefully start his job soon, but I still need out. Because of my schedule I will probably be spending a lot more time on campus this year, which means a lot less time at home. :)

Ok...I think I'm done with my update. Please keep Baby Blues in your prayers. She just got her BFP and is spotting and on bedrest. Also, Adrienne got her BFP, and is having some worries. Please pray for them in the coming weeks. Thanks!

Glimpses of my soul

I know I've been doing a lot of things like this lately. I don't really have a whole lot else to say, aside from bitching about Chuckles and that gets old. I also think these can help give an insight into who I am and why I do the things I do. :) thanks to Snickollet for the latest link.



From the website:
"At work, ISFJs contribute loyal, sympathetic, consistent, and considerate service to others. They are know for their kindness and for their willingness to go to any length to help those in need. They take the practical needs of people into account when they do their work, and their strong follow-through skills allow them to carry out organizational goals. They do at least what is expected to them and oftentimes more, without attracting attention to themselves. They are painstaking and responsible with detail and routine, and feel it is important to have the right things in the right places at the right times."

That one is totally me. It's how I've ended up with a house full of family, even though I hate it sometimes. It's the right thing to do, because they need me/us. I can't boot them, as some people have suggested, because it's not who I am. I'll let them anger me and frustrate me and drive me to insanity...but I just CAN'T kick them out. They'd have nowhere to go and that would make me even more upset.

Also from the website: "The primary desire of the Protector SJ is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life, as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security" and "ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after..."

This is also me. I am always trying to protect people, keep them from getting hurt and making the same mistakes I've made. I have a lot of life experience, either from listening to others (another ISFJ trait) or experiencing it myself. I remember, and apply, everything people tell me. It frustrates me when people don't listen...I'm trying to help, dammit! I try to remember what it was like when I was younger and didn't listen to my mom, and how frustrating it must have been for her to have to sit back and watch instead of strangling me. I'm not sure how she did it!

the website is pretty cool. It tells you other people, both real and fictional, who are your personality type. It also gives you good career matches. What do you know...medical technologist is listed, and that's my major!!!

I am

You're The Sound and the Fury!

by William Faulkner

Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue, but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.


Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

Thanks to Snickolllet for the link.

The waiting is over

(WARNING: This post is angsty and possibly a bit graphic)

AF finally arrived last night around 9:30. She's still light, but the last two have been as well. I figured this one would be heavy, since the last two were light and this one is later than usual, but I'll have to wait and see.

I snapped at Chuckles last night. So far he's been slightly amusing where pregnancy is concerned. He lectured me yesterday on how to use a HPT and when the best time was - I tried not to look at him as if he were an alien. As if I haven't figured this out after all this time? I mean, yes I've taken tests only a handful of times...but I think I know how and when! Last night, though, was the straw. My period finally started and I rejoiced, because it meant I didn't have to test this morning (I hate it) and I could get my root canal done today without feeling guilty. He looks at me and says in all seriousness "You know Jen-Jen, you could still be pregnant".

I almost killed him. If Giggles hadn't been in the way I might have gotten very close to him to say what I said in response. As it was, I snapped "No, Chuckles, I'm not. I've been doing this for 3 1/2 fucking years and I can guarantee you that if my period started then I am not pregnant."

He said "But..." and I said "No. Not fucking pregnant" and he just pointed at Giggles.

Oh for the love of all that is sacred and holy! Have I not served my time? Have I not done what I could to educate every last person in my vicinity on what not to say? Have I not tried to de-bunk every fucking myth I've come across? WHY...WHY when I finally get the people in my life to stop harassing me with "just relax" and false hope do I have to do this again?! Why do people insist on believing that just because they got pregnant while on vacation in Jamaica that everyone who wants to be pregnant should go to Jamaica? Just because it sometimes happens does not mean it happens every fucking time. I'm fairly certain that infertility exists there too! And just because Giggles may or may not have had her period the first month she was pregnant does not mean that every other fucking female on the face of this planet will have her period the first month they are pregnant!

I don't know what to do with him. I refuse to let false hope exist in this household. I've served my time, I've had my pain. I have my own hopes (I tested, didn't I?) and I've learned to live with my period showing up, the blood representing my beaten and battered dreams flowing out for another month. My husband has learned what to do and say - and I don't think he's ever tried the false hope route. I've tested when AF is here at least once, because I was convinced that I had to have been pregnant and that this was just a fluke. I'VE BEEN THIS ROUTE. Please, God, don't make me do it again. I can't take it.

The results?

Negatory. Nothing besides the control line appeared. I was using First Response Quick Response, though, and I couldn't find any information on what HcG levels it tests. I went to POAS.com and they didn't have anything on it yet. Now I'm wondering "what if I used one of those stupid tests that doesn't measure until 25 or 50mil?" Ah the things that hope can do to us!

So...I guess I wait. Since I tested then AF should arrive in the next few hours. She usually does. She waits until I get my hopes up enough to test, gives me a few hours to fume and worry and wonder and then arrives to dash them against the rocks.

Please continue to send positive thoughts over to Baby Blues. She got a faint, faint positive and is waiting 3 days before she tests again. I don't know how she does it - I'd already decided that if my test was positive I was running to the doc to ask for a quantitative beta!

The Innocence of the Past

Aaron's oldest nephew and his pregnant fiancee moved in with us last week. It hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be. It's actually kind of fun having her around! It helps that she's not a tiny girl with a perfect preggo belly and she doesn't really glow. She's also almost to her 3rd trimester, so she's not throwing up or totally exhausted either. A little emotional, but that's ok.

At any rate, the day after they arrived Wilma and I took her down the the welfare office to get insurance and food stamps. Neither she nor Chuckles are working yet, but they need FOOD. :) I was talking to them about the killer heartburn I've been having for the past week and how tired I am. Wilma knows me well enough to know that this is a common state of being for me - my body likes to play tricks on me and give me preggo symptoms - so she didn't think anything of it. I have forgotten what it's like to be innocent, however. Later that night, while I was in another room, Giggles and Chuckles approached Aaron and said "So Jen said a few things today..." to which Aaron promptly started panicking "Oh shit...what could Jen have said that would have offended Giggles?" Apparently, they think I'm pregnant! Just based on the things I'd said. :) Aaron had a very hard time not laughing as he explained to them that I go through this every few months - my body pretending it's pregnant long enough to screw with my brain, only to have AF show up later. I told this to Wilma and she laughed so hard she almost fell off her chair. She said "Oh I love how with ALL THEIR 19 YEARS of experience, and 6 months of being pregnant, they can tell you all about your illness".

This made me think. Was I really this innocent once? Were any of us? Do we remember the days of poking and prodding our boobs until they were sore, just to see if they were sore? Of analyzing every twitch and twinge and random occurrence, wondering if it meant we managed to get pregnant this cycle? And I thought...and I remembered...and I realized just how bitter and jaded I've become. Once upon a 3 years ago the presence of heartburn would have made me smile...now it just makes me curse my body for trying to mess with me. Tender breasts would have made me cringe but wonder...now I shrug it off. Exhaustion was another of my friends...now I try to blame it on what's going on in my life. How did I get where I am? Was it voluntary or necessary to survive the onslaught of monthly disappointments? Is it possible to experience the thoughts I once had without also saying "Don't kid yourself. Don't get your hopes up. You know AF is just messing with you..."

Once again, I find myself riding a rollercoaster. AF usually arrives between CD23 & CD25. Today is CD26. I have had cycles as long as CD28, but I can't afford to wait that long this time. If AF doesn't arrive today and isn't there when I wake up, I am testing tomorrow morning. I am having a root canal done on Thursday and as much as I need to have that done and thus don't want to test until Friday, I can't in good conscience have it done without testing first. Part of me hopes I am - I'd be in good company. Part of me thinks "That's what I get for mocking Giggles like that!" Part of me hopes I'm not...and the other part of me is trying to be giddy while not getting knocked down by the rest of me. I'll only post in the morning if it's a positive...just like most months when I test. :)

Please say a prayer for Baby Blues as she's testing in the morning too.

Dashing about...

I should be leaving for physical therapy, but I'm not even dressed yet! So I'm dashing about, but I saw this video on another blogger's post today and wanted to share it. Grab your tissues and watch!

Tig's Photobucket

Photobucket Album

Mostly safe....

Mingle² - Online Dating

Apparently it's not as bad as I thought! Thanks to Watson for the link to Rate My Blog

I also said that I would share my photobucket account with you so you could see the clothes we bought for my birthday. This scares the beejeebies out of me because the clothes (and I) don't look nearly the way we do in life. :( But I did promise, so here you go! Take pity, please!! Also...there are a lot of random photos in there. Some are of my kitties, some of a friend's 2 year old, some that are just sig's and avatars for a forum I'm on. :) This is my "hey I need to post a photo and need a place to host it" spot.

huh...

I made yesterdays post before coming back home, which means I hadn't read any of the blogs that I keep up with. As a matter of fact, I hadn't read any blog entries since Friday! (I know, I'm bad) At any rate, the first blog I read yesterday when I got home was Wendy's. Imagine my surprise to read this post. There must be something going around! :)

Saturday Aaron took me clothes shopping all day for my birthday. Mom contributed. Tonight he's going to take pictures of me in them and once I get them uploaded I will post a link to my photobucket so you can go see them. Last night he gave me a pony...4 of them, to be exact. :) (We'd had this discussion about me asking him to do things after we have sex, and how he'll agree to anything at that point. I asked for a pony, just being a smart ass. He got me a pony!) This morning he brought me in a penguin, since I'm collecting them now. What a guy! I also have $45 in Barnes & Noble gift certs to spend from family and friends. BOOKS!!!

I'll update this post later if I have anything to add. Right now I have to go get dressed and go to physical therapy. Yay me.