Kicks to the Gut

There is more coming to my "Pardon Me, Miss" post, but I'll save it for another day. Right now...right now I have other things to whine about. Really, that's all this blog seems to be anymore - a place for me to whine about how life is unfair and painful and I'm tired of it. But really, that belongs in the Bitter post.

Last night I went out with Wilma and another friend to a place where you can paint ceramics. The company has the pieces already - you just go in, purchase one, sit down and paint it. They fire it for you and everything. Well, Wilma brought her baby, which is only to be expected since he's a mere 16 days old. Not that I can believe she brought her child out to a place where there are a lot of other people before he was 6 weeks old, but that's a whole other opinion that I should keep to myself. At any rate, I knew she was bringing him and I figured I could handle it for a few hours. I did.

Barely.

I almost burst into tears when she left. Had I not been in a public place with another friend, I just might have. I had watched Wilma interact with her baby in the only way that a mother can. To see that bond between them, to see her react to her child's cries...it felt like a physical kick to the gut. I tried to escape by going to get food, but she tagged along. There was no breathing room. No way to escape the pain. No way to express it.

It's odd...she doesn't see herself in the same camp as Giggles. We were talking about Giggles and Chuckles being in the house and how I don't want them there. I had mentioned that I really didn't want the baby born while they were still under my roof but that I don't really have a whole lot of say in the matter. Giggles is ripening and is also 37 weeks along - a few more weeks and she'll be having this child. I doubt they'll be out of our home by then. I've tried to convince myself that I just need to come to terms with this fact...but instead I find myself raging and crying a lot. Wilma says "You don't need to put up with that, Jen. They don't understand. Hell, Chuckles still thinks you can get pregnant. All you have to do is have lots and lots of sex, you know. ;) You don't need to have that in your life, and having a child in your house is going to be really hard on you." Funny, that. She doesn't seem to understand that it's just as hard for me to be around her now that she has another child.

The first one wasn't so bad...but we hadn't even gone to an RE yet. We were 7 months into trying when she announced she was pregnant the first time. We still thought we had a chance, that it would just take a little while. Now the second one has arrived and we know we're down for the count. This will not happen for us. Ok, so if I'm absolutely truthful, we have a 1% chance every month. Yes, it theoretically could happen. Yes, miracles do happen all the time. I can't live like that anymore. It's simply easier to say "It will never happen". Wilma doesn't understand that her second child is a lot harder for me to deal with than her first one was. Perhaps on his own, it wouldn't have been TOO bad...but his playmate will be along shortly. I feel like I just can't watch that bonding go on before my eyes, under my roof, every day and know that I will never have that experience. God, just writing this feels like a kick in the gut - I'm almost in tears.

Do you think my DH understands? A little. But he also thinks I'm being a little silly. He says "Honey, you can't resent every baby. That's no way to live your life." I said "I don't resent every baby. I see lots of babies every day and I do not resent them. I don't hate their mothers. I DO resent the ones in my life every day, the ones in my face, the ones that say 'see me? you can never have me.' Those are the ones I resent." Perhaps Aaron is right. Perhaps I am being silly. I can't decide if I'm in the wrong because I don't want to be forced to put up with this anymore or if I'm just being stubborn and being a victim. CAN I deal with this? CAN I put up with having a child in my home? Yes. Do I want to? No. So am I wrong because I don't want to force myself to deal with this if I don't absolutely have to? Don't answer that...it's more or less rhetorical. It's just another sign of my inner battle.

Pardon me, Miss...your bitter is showing

That about sums me up these days. Bitter. I'm talking OJ & toothpaste bitter here, people. What's got me so bitter? I'm glad you asked.

Let's get the obvious out of the way. I haven't seen Wilma since her baby boy was born 15 days ago. We're supposed to go out painting tomorrow with another friend and she's bringing baby with her (I think), so that should be fun. Or not. Other friend doesn't like children - period. She never wants to have them. She'd prefer other people didn't have them either, but that's their choice. She's also 18, so I give her time to mature. :) At any rate, I'm going to be stuck for a few hours with a newborn that I've apparently been avoiding. I mean, how hard is it for me to take a few hours some night and go over to her house to see her? It's not like she lives far away - maybe 10 minutes. I could have gone on Friday, between classes, or sometime on Monday...but I didn't. I'm a terrible friend and I will never admit that I'm avoiding her. Her baby is adorable. I've successfully avoided baby fever the entire time she's been pg, and the entire time Giggles has been living here...only to be blindsided by it an hour after he was born. The night the baby was born, another friend of ours was talking about coming to grips with the fact that his friends were having another child. I told him "Don't worry, J. I won't make you deal with my kids." He says "That's probably a good idea. Keep them away from Uncle J." I said "No, I just won't have any." It struck me then just how bitter I was becoming.

Giggles. Giggles keeps having contractions. She keeps going to the hospital and they keep sending her home. Last week when she went in, her cervix was dilated to 2. She went to the doc yesterday and there's been no change. Tonight, however, her contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and strong enough to bring tears to her eyes. Off to the hospital they went again. I swear, I do not know what I am going to do if they bring home their baby girl. I've been more or less ignoring the fact that Giggles is pregnant simply by not talking about it too much. I've become a hermit, spending a large amount of my time in my computer room. I haven't been in my living room hardly at all for the past few months - just for the occasional movie. I've just given it over as THEIR domain. I've also been hoping against hope that they would find a place before this child is born - and I don't care if it's the day before or if the move makes her go into labor. I WANT THEM OUT BEFORE THAT CHILD IS BORN! I do NOT want a child in this house that is not mine. I realize this is selfish and you know what? I don't give a fucking rat's ass. There is no room. My sanity can't take it. I don't need the sleep dep that's going to come along with having a child across the hall. And these are all excuses for the real reason: It's not mine.

My back. I'm losing all faith in my doctors. I had my 4th injection yesterday - and it didn't work. Doc says the next step is to burn out the nerve (a rhizotomy). I don't think so. I like my nerves right where they are. This also isn't a permanent fix - nerves grow back after 6-9 months and with it comes the pain. I don't want a fucking temporary fix. I'm tired of the pills and the injections and the pain. I'm tired of not being able to walk anywhere. Six months ago walking around campus was no big deal - now it feels like several miles to walk even a short distance and I'm totally wiped. I'm tired of not being able to have sex with my husband because my hips hurt too much (the pain is spreading). I'm tired of not being able to even cuddle with him because he sleeps on my right and the right hip is the worst. It hurts to sit. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! First IF stole it...and just as I was trying to reclaim it, the pain hit hard. I'm just so fucking tired of it all. And I'm tired of being tired. I don't believe that docs can fix me any more. I think they see me as a money pit because I'm desperate for relief. I can't be on the hope roller-coaster. IF sucked that right out of me and I just can't make myself get on it for anything anymore.

I know there's more that's bothering me, but the keyboard is starting to blur from the Ambien I took a few minutes ago. It's 11:00 and I have to be up at 5:30 because my boss decided she needed me at the last minute. So...up early, then bio lab, then a night with Wilma and her baby. I don't think I like tomorrow very much and I'm not even through today yet...

Confessions of a _____ Soul

I'm not sure what category these fall under, or what's even going to come out when I write, but I have to put it down somewhere.

I started reading blogs about the time I started writing mine - a little over a year. In that time I've picked up quite a few blogs that I read regularly - more than just what's on my sidebar. The problem is that I'm not terribly interested in some of them any more. I don't know why, I'm just not. But I can't stop reading them. Why? Because I feel guilty if I try to. I feel like I should continue reading these people because I am a part of their listener base, their support system. It's not right that I just go away when they aren't interesting to me anymore - that's not fair. They aren't writing for my benefit - they are writing for their own...

..and yet I write mine in the hopes that others will read it. I hope that my blog helps other people, even though it's just about my life now and no longer primarily about infertility. Yes, infertility and my struggles with coping play a part...but it's not the primary reason for this place anymore. Now it's a place for me to vent, to put my thoughts out there for other people to read. It's selfish. I want people to listen to me as I scream, I want their support as I go through the same hard times that everyone else goes through. Part of me thinks I'm just being my usual melodrama self and that you're just tolerating me and that this is the reason I don't have many readers. Not that I don't appreciate those that I do, because I do. But I get envious of those whose blogs I stumble upon whose every post has 10-15 comments.

Jealousy. That's another big thing I feel these days. And it's silly as all hell, but it's still there. I get jealous when I see the same names pop up in different blogs all over the place, when the same people get tagged for meme's and awards and whatnot. It's pitiful and pathetic that the blogosphere should make me feel like this. And now, if anyone DOES tag me, I will always wonder if it's because they read this post and catered to me to make me feel better.

I'm miserable these days, can't you tell? I'm in the middle of a HUGE fight with Aaron, which makes me utterly depressed. I'm a negative Nelly (apologies to anyone named Nell around here) and I don't know how to get out of the hole I've sunk in to. I'm not even sure I care enough to try. As I used to say "pardon me while I lay here in the street and bleed a bit."

Updates with Triggers

NEW UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM!!
So I'm a day late and a dollar short, but it's better than nothing! :)

Thanks, Beth, for asking if I'm still alive. I am, but just barely. It was a very very stressful weekend but I did not kill anyone. Except my fertility goddess...she's broken...but my fertility was already broken so I'm not sure it matters. My kitchen floor and wall are done and we're starting to put things back. Aaron and his dad managed to tear 2 holes in my brand new linoleum while putting the fridge back so i have to look into getting that fixed.

Mom's test on Thursday came back clean - no breast cancer that they can find. So it's back to the blood drawing board for her until they can find it. I think she's about ready to give up and just wait for it to show itself.

Wilma and Fred had their baby on Tuesday night. She wasn't supposed to be induced until the 10th, but when she got up she was bleeding pretty heavily. She understandably flipped and called the doc, who ordered her to the hospital. They did a blood test and there were baby cells in her blood, so they came to the conclusion that the placenta was pulling away. Rather than let her wander around until it completely detached and because a true emergency, they decided to go ahead and take him that day. :) So there's a new 7 pound 15 ounce addition...yay! On the selfish side, it means that she won't be able to come to Giggles baby shower this Sunday. I was hoping to have a few friends around that I knew, who would know what it was like (even a little) for me to be there. I don't want her bringing her newborn (who was put in the NICU yesterday because he was having troubles breathing but is ok now) into a house full of smoke.

Ok...I have an appt I have to go to and all of this was written in a drug-induced haze. YAY for Ambien....BOO for not getting enough sleep for it to wear off. Please pardon me if some of this makes no sense. I will try to update more on what's going on with me once I can focus again.

UPDATE AS OF 12:30pm MST: I do believe AF just reared her ugly and yet welcomed head. Today was CD46. If she chooses to stick around and actually flow, that would mean that the first of this long cycle was 23 days, and this one is that long as well...both of which are normal for me. Let's hope that she doesn't disappear again! And NOW I can go rub Mom's face in the fact that I KNEW I wasn't pg and she should just listen to me when I tell her it's all normal!!! :)

Conversations in a dental chair and other things

I had an appointment at the dentist yesterday to get my teeth cleaned. It wasn't my regular dentist or even his assistant who did the cleaning, but someone totally new. While she was cleaning, the following conversation took place:

(H = hygenist, M = Me)

H: So, do you have kids?
M: (oh god...here we go again) Nope.
H: You're lucky.
M: We've been trying for 3 1/2 years.
H: Oh, so you probably want them.
M: (Duh) Yeah, but we can't have them.
H: You could always adopt. There are lots of children that need homes.
M: (oh my god...where do people get off?) Well, if I had $18K just sitting around with nothing else to do with it, I'd certainly contemplate it.
H: Oh my! I had no idea it cost that much!
M: Once you include lawyer fees and agency fees and all the paperwork and home studies...yeah, it does. It's only slightly less expensive to adopt out of country.
H: You'd think that with so many kinds needing places to go it wouldn't be so expensive. I personally know 3 couples who've adopted children from...China, I think.
M: (Congrats lady - I know a whole community) It's just not feasible for us.
H: Well, you could always borrow my 14 year old for a week. I guarantee you won't want kids after that.
M: (sits in silence so as not to scream at her about the teens living in her house, or the pregnant friend with her second child on the way or the pregnant lady living in her house)

Where do people get off? It's really odd that this conversation took place when it did because I had just gotten done reading this story in the local paper. It's about people who have large families and the looks/comments they get...and how society feels free to barge in on a personal decision such as that. Or the lack of children. If you have no children, people pity you. If you have one, people always ask when you are having the next one. If you have three, people make comments like "Don't you know what causes that?" or "Why do you have so many?" or some such. Society likes us having our 2 kids...and that's it.

Today is our 4 year anniversary! We're staying here tonight, in the Carriage Room (I think). Aaron took tomorrow off so we could spend the day together. Some days I can't believe we've made it this far. I'm so blessed to have him for a husband. He understands me so well...most of the time. Mom says he's the perfect husband for me - and I think she's right (as usual).

Life is so packed right now. In between work and school, the drywallers are coming over the next 3 days to put the wall back up behind my washing machine and dryer. Mom is coming up tomorrow and staying for 5 days. I have a lab exam tomorrow for which I am woefully prepared because I've been spending so much time trying to fix everything else. I meet with my back doctor today to discuss the next step in treatment...which involves putting leads inside my vertebrae and connected to my spinal column, which are then attached to a generator. The generator blocks the pain signal coming from the specific area that hurts. I don't know that I want to do this, but I don't have much choice anymore. Sometime next week the floor guy should be coming in to finish my kitchen floor.

Just 6 more weeks until Thanksgiving break...I think. Maybe THEN I can breathe a little.

Unresolved issues

I just got a call from mom. The good news is that the cancer isn't in her lungs, brain, liver or kidneys. The bad news is that they still don't know where it is. There is something going on in the left quadrant of her body, however. There is a mass in her left breast, but they don't know if it's a tumor or just scar tissue from when she had breast cancer 4 years ago. They couldn't do her MRI mammogram on Wednesday because they couldn't get her shoulders into the machine without suffocating her. She is coming up here on Thursday to get one done - there is a cancer institute here in Boise that has WAY better machinery. So she's coming up and will probably stay through Tuesday morning. She says "So the good news is that I'm not dying...yet". :) Go mommy and her sense of humor! Sorry I don't have any better information for y'all, but I'm passing on what I get. Thanks so much for all the prayers and kind words of support...it means a lot to me.

On other fronts, I am trying to face the fact that my mother may not live to see me give her grandchildren. I've always kept in the back of my mind the idea that I might, someday, get pregnant through a miracle of nature. I know that it's not really realistic, but it's still a thought. Considering that I'm having a hard time still with dealing with the idea of not having children...I think I'm doing pretty well. But then I thought about mom dying and never getting to see the children I might someday have...and was almost tempted to start treatments again. IVF, IUI, adoption...whatever. Just please let me give my mom grandkids. Let them get to know her, so they don't have to know her through stories like I did for her parents. I am not ready to start treatments again though and am not sure I ever will be again.

Yesterday I held a baby shower for Wilma. Thankfully she and Giggles were the only preggos there so it wasn't too bad...although I was ready to kill her daughter by the time I left. In two weeks, however, life is going to SUCK. I'm holding a baby shower for Giggles on the 7th. She's planning on inviting a bunch of girls from her school. She attends a school for pregnant girls who want to graduate but can't go to regular school either because they are pregnant and will have to take time off, or because they had to drop out to have the child and can't afford daycare. The school had a nursery and daycare in it, so they can still go to school. Well...you see where this is going. I'm going to be SURROUNDED by women in various stages of pregnancy. In my house. Where I can't leave to escape. Ugh. I think I must be crazy. Oh well...I suppose I shall survive.

Ok...enough procrastinating for me. I need to go study and do some homework. Love all of you! *MUAH*

The waaaaaiting is the hardest part

/Tom Petty song

I went to the doc this morning and talked to him about my missing AF. As of today, she is 5/7/9 days late. The doc asked me about my stress levels...yes, they're through the roof but I've been here before and it's done nothing but make my cycles 28 days instead. I tried to explain that, and the 31 day chemical pg. As soon as he noted there was a little variation, he decided that we should give it another cycle to show up. If not, he'll do a progesterone challenge. A wha-huh? I'm going to assume Provera, since I can't think of anything else. Joy. I get to wait another month, which means that when she DOES show it's going to be a real bitch. I'm guessing that the longer you go without a cycle the more ick and the heavier it will be? I have no experience with this...I'm adrift in the infertility sea and I'm not used to that.

Also on the topic of waiting: I spoke to my mom this morning. They did her mammogram and the MRI mammogram on Wednesday - she should get those results on Monday. They also managed to get her in for that PET scan yesterday instead of next week. She will probably get those results on Monday as well. So the wait is on...just a few more days.

I keep getting ahead of myself with all of this. I"ve gotten myself totally freaked out, thinking "What am I doing to do with dad when she dies? We aren't exactly close anymore and I can't relate to him and he's not even remotely open about his feelings. How will I help him grieve? How will I take care of him? That house is too big for just him, even though it's a small house. He couldn't even manage to take care of it and himself when mom was in the hospital...let alone never coming home again. He refuses to pay the bills, even though mom told him what to pay when. He just saved it up and took it to her once a week so she could do them. How is he going to cope? Would it be better for him to stay there? Move to Burley where his job is? Move back 'home' to MA with his family? Move here with me? But if he does that I will feel compelled to check in on him several times a week. There's a reason my parents are 200 miles away. But he's my dad - it's my job to take care of him. Who is going to plan the funeral? Will mom want me to sing? CAN I sing? I think I know what she'd want me to sing but I don't know if I can do it then. It's hard normally! Where will she want to be buried? Where she's lived for the past 25 years? Flown back to MA and buried with her family? If she does that it means cremation - can we handle that? Will my brother attend the funeral? do I want him to? Will there be a will, since my father is still alive, or does everything automatically transfer to him? I'm sure he'll give me her clothes, since I'm the one who is her size...but do I want them? Can I make myself get rid of them, knowing they were mom's? What do I do????" (insert heart rending, soul searing wail from the core of my being here)

This is what's been going round and round and round in my brain since Monday. I know I'm ahead of myself...we have to get through the dx and treatment (if any) first. She may not die for years and years...or it could be next week. None of this is really my responsibility, but I always have to have a plan. Without a plan I'm lost.

I'm lost.

The results are in

Does it get much more negative than 1?

I took a test this morning because they told me yesterday that I wouldn't get my results until Friday when my CBC came back. I called this morning to ask them to please call the lab, because had I known it was going to be 3 days I wouldn't have wasted my money. They called me back with a 1.

So...I'm 3/6/9 days late depending on the cycle. I'm very obviously not pregnant. AF shows no signs of arriving. Color me really fucking confused.

Just the facts, Ma'am

I apologize in advance if this rambles a lot or has a lot of typos. It's almost 4am and I can't sleep. The meds I was taking to help me stay asleep have stopped working so I've stopped taking them. Once again I'm awake every night at exactly 3am...only I couldn't get back to sleep this time. As I laid in bed, trying to will myself back to sleep, I got to thinking about several things. I've decided to put these things down here, in an effort to get them out of my brain.

1) I have to face the fact that I may very well lose my mother this time. Apparently she and my sister talked about a month or so ago about what would happen if she ever got cancer again - before she ever knew about this. My sister told her that she felt like she'd given it a good fight; she'd done all the treatments and it keeps coming back. If mom doesn't want to do any treatments this time, my sister will not fight her on it. Mom already knew where I stand...in the same place I always do. I love my mother with all my heart and soul but I will not stand in the way of her decision. It is her choice and I will abide by it. I will not make it harder, I will not let her see how hard it is for me, I will not let her feel guilt for it. I will protect her from others to the best of my abilities and will be there whenever she needs me. She knows this - it has always been my role in her life. I am not ever going to be ready to lose my mother, but I have to learn to accept that she will not always be here. I mean, I've obviously always known that she wouldn't live forever, but it will always be too soon.

2) Giggles is going to have this child while living in my house. Her doc wants her to try very hard to keep it in for another week and a half and then she is permitted to have it. Regardless of timing, though, I don't think they are going to be out of my house before the child is born. I am going to have to come to grips with this. It's harder than I realized, but I can do it. I'm probably going to be angry as all hell, but I think I can deal with it.

3) I need to make myself focus on my schooling. I don't want to - I just want to hide - but I can't afford to. I need to stop procrastinating and study. WoW will still be there when I get done with my homework. (I just started playing a few days ago and I LOVE it!) My husband will still be there, the laundry will still be there (unfortunately)...and I can't afford to fail any more tests. I failed my first Bio test yesterday morning and have asked the prof if I can retake it because I just can't focus. Between the lack of sleep and everything else that is going on, I'm doing good to remember my name!

4) No matter what happens, I will live. Nothing I've listed is going to kill me. I may feel like it. I may be seriously overwhelmed. But I have a support network - my family, my IRL friends, and the community here. Thank you everyone for your words of support and love as my world tries to crash down and I dodge the debris. It is good to know that you're all still out there. Thank you.

My world

I'm sorry I left you hanging last time. Thanks a very whole big bunch and lots to those who left me words of encouragement, and those who didn't but might have been praying for me. It's been very appreciated. I left the comments in my inbox so I could go back and look at them when I needed a pick me up. Life hasn't been so good lately and I haven't been able to blog about it. Last post was 100...yay! So let's see...what's been up in the past big?

I'm on Welbutrin again. It seems to be helping. This is good, because life isn't cooperating.

I'm having my kitchen floor replaced and it's been a nightmare. The washing machine has been leaking and the floor is finally giving out. It's buckling, so I decided to replace it now rather than later. I got an estimate from Lowe's...almost $3K! WTF? We can't afford that, so I placed a claim with homeowners insurance. The lady came out on Friday to check it out and said the labor charge was WAY off. I called Lowe's back...and it turns out that the installer didn't listen to anything I said. He decided how he was going to redo my kitchen and that's that. I said "That shit ain't happenin' buddy" and they sent me a new installer today. Meanwhile, I called the adjuster back to let her know what the problem was. SHE decided she didn't like my wet floor being there any longer than it needed to be, so she sent a company out here to rip up my floor. UGH.

Meanwhile, Giggles starting having contractions on Wednesday. She went in to the L&D because she couldn't feel the baby move. They gave her a shot to stop the contractions and sent her home. Friday I had to take her back in. Saturday we almost did it again. Saturday night I had a total breakdown. It's a lot harder having her in the house then I thought it would be. I had really hoped that they would be out before the baby was born, but this may not be the case. She's only 32 weeks, but I don't think she's going to carry to term. I can't deal with this. I feel like a horrible person because I feel like I hate her. I resent her tremendously. I'm sick of people fawning all over her. I want her gone. And none of this is her fault. She's not doing it on purpose; I'm sure (100%) that she doesn't want to be having contractions either and doesn't want her child yet either. I still hate it.

Also, my mom just called. They think she has cancer again. It's September; I shouldn't be surprised. See, 4 years ago on September 5th she was diagnosed with breast cancer. They caught it early and she did radiation. The following year on September 5th, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was not an early catch, but as early as they could feasibly catch it. The damn tumor was 18cm! She had chemo and has been ok. We made it through last September with no cancer, although it was a tense month, only to pay for it with her problems this past winter. And now, it's September again, and her CA-125 is elevated. That gets elevated when ovarian cancer is present. Well, mom doesn't have any ovaries any more, or a uterus. This means that there were cancer cells left and they've metastasized. While the docs don't know where the cancer is just yet, when OC metastasizes, it usually goes to the brain or lungs. Y'all...I'm terrified this time. Those aren't terribly operable places. I'm not ready to lose my mommy but I have to face it this time.

She wants to have a family meeting once she knows more, with my sister and her boys as well as me. Aaron and my BIL can come if they want, I don't know if my brother will be there. I am on my mother's side, regardless of what she decides to do. She didn't want to do chemo last time, but my sister guilted her into it by saying "Fine. You don't have to do chemo. But if you don't, you have to explain to Daniel (my nephew who was 12 at the time) why you are choosing to die instead of live." Of course, she chose to do it when I was out of the room or there would have been hell to pay. NONE of us have a right to tell mom what she has to do. Of course we don't want to lose her...but we don't have to live with the effect. She does. She's 60 years old - old enough to make her own damn decisions on what she wants to do. I will stand by her and protect her from my father and sister.

AF is late. Today is CD28 and she's not here. The last time I had a cycle that was 28 days was when I had that chemical pregnancy in July of 2004, the one that sparked everything. I haven't tested yet. I don't have any tests in the house and I don't have time to deal with a positive anyhow. If she still hasn't arrived by Wednesday I will test in the morning, provided I've found time to get to the store. If not, I will see if the doc can fit me in for a beta while I'm on campus. This would just be a kick in the pants. I know there's a lot of stress in my life and stress can delay AF...but this isn't funny. Not even remotely.

To top it all off, I have been missing classes because of dealing with the house. I have an exam tomorrow that I am woefully unprepared for. And the final blow? Robert Jordan died yesterday.

I'm worried about me

(just as a forewarning: this may take a few posts or edits to complete as I am doing this in between classes)

I"m really starting to get worried about me. I feel as if all the joy has left my life. I rarely laugh any more. I might giggle...maybe...but I can't remember the last time I really, truly laughed. I don't feel alive. Anger, frustration and irritation are the only emotions I feel any more. This has been the case for a while but it's getting worse. I feel like I'm dying inside. All I want to do is drink and sleep and drink some more. I'm not...yet...but I want to. My heart isn't in my classes this semester and it's already showing. I can NOT make myself buckle down and do my work. I blame it on not having any space alone or time alone, but even when I do have time or a place I find something else to do. Like surf the net. Or read another book instead of my school books. I'm depressed and I know it...and it's worse than it's been in a long time. I can't remember when I last wanted to sit and drink...not to get drunk, but just to be more mellow. I want to run and hide and never come back out and it scares me.

MIL still hasn't stopped smoking, shock of all shocks. Her claim that she wasn't going to buy more smokes? A lie, as usual. I'm a sneaky bitch and counted the smokes in her pack yesterday, thinking that maybe she was just cutting back slowly and it was still the same pack she'd had and knowing the only way to find out was to count them. There were 12 in that pack yesterday. I counted this morning and there were 15. That means she smoked 17 yesterday...and that she's buying more packs. I had the thought that I would write her a letter, letting her know how all this makes me feel. I should have done it last week when I was fully angry, but I didn't. And now I'm having trouble making myself care. I know it won't make a difference...why should I bother?

I'll be starting back on my antidepressants once my mouth heals from my latest dentist appointment this afternoon. Last time I was swollen for 4 days and could barely eat pudding, let alone try to fit pills in my mouth. I don't think they alone are going to do the trick, though. I know they can only fix so much. Chuckles and Giggles might be moving out soon - they are going to get a list of income-based housing from one of the girls that Giggles goes to school with. That will make things a little better still, as I will not have him constantly irritating me and will give me a place to hide again.

I feel apathetic, but know that I'm not truly because I still care that I don't care. As if THAT makes much sense.

(ok, time for class. I'll finish this later, if I can bring myself to care enough)

Never Happy, Never Satisfied

If you look back through my posts or have known me for a while, you know how often I've bitched because my MIL won't stop smoking. We've made deal after deal after deal with her to get her to smoke outside. She's been promising for several years that she'll quit, but she never seems to manage to. She once quit for 4 years...only to pick back up as soon as we moved in. She did this knowing that I suffer from asthma, knowing that it was affecting our chances to have a child. She smoked outside for a little while during our IUI treatments, but as soon as it didn't work she scooted back in...about the time I started school last year, just like I knew she would. The instant I wasn't home all day to keep an eye on her, she'd be like a willful child.

Now...I know it's not easy to quit. I watched my dad struggle for years to do so and it took him being in the hospital for a week (unrelated) for him to be able to quit. I watched as Wendy stopped smoking and cheered her on with every update. I watched my ex-husband try to quit, succeed, start, quit, start, quit...I don't even know where he is on that cycle anymore. So why am I so hard on MIL? Because she's being her usual whiny self about it. She says "I wasn't going to say anything but I'm down to a pack and two cigarettes left and I'm not buying any more." This was two days ago. Tonight she comes in and says "Remind me why I'm not smoking in the morning?" Well...because you want to quit would be my guess. Don't rely on me to help you quit - this is something you have to do on your own. From the other room, after we gave her a list of reasons, I hear her say "So Giggle's baby will be born healthy".

WTF? What was that again? You don't give a rat's ass about our health, apparently, or our attempts at having a child (despite your complaints to the contrary) but you care about her child? Don't get me wrong, I think it's great, but where was all this concern when we were seriously trying? Why did we have to beg and plead and cajole and bribe JUST TO GET HER OUTSIDE? Forget trying to get her to quit - that just earned her whining to Aaron that I was making her feel like a criminal. It's my fucking house. She keeps reminding me of this. It should be my fucking rules, but I can't change a goddamn thing without her bitching about it. I've tried very hard not to make any rules, but it would be entirely within my right to order her ass outside. I'm just afraid they'd move out.

The other part of my brain, the apparently rational part, says "Why does it matter WHY she's quitting? Isn't it enough that she just is?" Apparently not, for I am very angry at her. I don't want to put up with her whiny, poor me, victim/martyr attitude over this. I am really, really glad that school starts on Monday. In the meantime, I think Foamy the Squirrel expresses it perfectly. (Warning: Language sensitive)

I am ashamed....

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I'm not nearly as geeky as I thought I was. Thanks to Adrienne for the link. Oh...and my husband? He's 79% geek. I have a long way to go, baby!

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Call for help

For once, nothing to do directly with me! :)

My SIL has been put on Methotrexate for her lupus. Prior to this the only thing I knew about it was that it was given to women with ectopic pregnancies. SIL has been forbidden to even think about the possibility that she might, one day, want to get pregnant while taking this...so she's aware of that effect. I also warned her of what I knew. :) I also strongly suspect that she has endo. She's in the process of getting tested for it - I think. At this point I'm not sure what she's doing, but the pain is killing her and she wants it done.

I know that many of you have probably taken the Methotrexate. I also know that a lot of you have endo. One question I have: Will the methotrexate help her endo pain? I'm not sure how methotrexate actually works, so I have no theories. Can anyone tell me how it works and if it might help her in that aspect?

Also, she's having horrible s/e's. I feel so sorry for her - they sound worse than what I went through when I first took Metformin (the effects of which are referred to as "salsa butt" now...). Her pharmacist told her she just has to ride it out. That would be great, if she was only taking it short term. As far as we know, she's on it until she decides she wants to start TTC...which she isn't sure she'll ever do, because of the lupus. Does anyone have any tips on what she can do to help ease the s/e's? I hate to see her like this - combined with her pain, she's hardly able to get out of bed!

Thanks girls! I appreciate your help - and I'm sure SIL does too.

Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

I have somehow developed a yeast infection. It's been around for 3 days. I think it's in response to the antibiotic I'm taking for my ear, although it's not listed as a side effect. I can't figure out any other reason I would have one. I haven't had one in...10 years? or so. Long enough that I can't rightly remember at any rate. It's driving me MAD! I think these things exist just to drive women abso-freaking-lutely nutso! I'm going to the store today but I might kill someone first!

On the killing front, Chuckles is still in danger. He loves to sass every last female in his life...both SIL's, MIL, me. When we get angry he says "I'm just teasing". He doesn't seem to get that IT'S NOT FUNNY. At least Giggles is ok with me slapping him, which I've done several times. He brings out the worst in me and it's frustrating. I have a hard enough time controlling my temper without someone intentionally provoking me just because he thinks it's funny. He also doesn't understand tone of voice and hasn't learned to read behind the words. Everyone knows that women rely on these two things to communicate. The smart man will learn this lesson quickly. The stupid one listens to just the words, filters it through his man brain, and then acts. Even when I am totally NOT subtle and tell him to knock it the fuck off...he doesn't get it. I've never met a more dense male in my LIFE!

Aaron had to ask MIL yet again to take her ass outside to smoke. Every time. Without fail. It's making Giggles nauseated to be exposed to it. Of course, we told her before Giggles arrived that she needed to go outside for the health of the baby and Giggles. She agreed...but then only goes out if Giggles is in the back room. Well, the smoke is getting into the kitchen (because it's an open area!) and making her sick. She's asked MIL a few times to go out, and MIL will...twice...but then she's back in. So Aaron got to be really firm with both her and FIL and told them it was making it hard for Giggles to breathe (he misunderstood, apparently) and they said they would. I doubt it...if they cared about someone's ability to breathe, they'd go outside always already since they know I have asthma. We'll see what happens. I don't want to get involved because it won't be pretty, but I will if I have to. I have no problem with ordering them to go outside or stop smoking.

School starts in 2 1/2 weeks. On one hand, it's only 2 1/2 weeks away! I haven't gotten 1/4 of the things done this summer that I wanted to. On the other hand, it's still 2 1/2 weeks away! I want/need to get out of this house. Chuckles will hopefully start his job soon, but I still need out. Because of my schedule I will probably be spending a lot more time on campus this year, which means a lot less time at home. :)

Ok...I think I'm done with my update. Please keep Baby Blues in your prayers. She just got her BFP and is spotting and on bedrest. Also, Adrienne got her BFP, and is having some worries. Please pray for them in the coming weeks. Thanks!

Glimpses of my soul

I know I've been doing a lot of things like this lately. I don't really have a whole lot else to say, aside from bitching about Chuckles and that gets old. I also think these can help give an insight into who I am and why I do the things I do. :) thanks to Snickollet for the latest link.



From the website:
"At work, ISFJs contribute loyal, sympathetic, consistent, and considerate service to others. They are know for their kindness and for their willingness to go to any length to help those in need. They take the practical needs of people into account when they do their work, and their strong follow-through skills allow them to carry out organizational goals. They do at least what is expected to them and oftentimes more, without attracting attention to themselves. They are painstaking and responsible with detail and routine, and feel it is important to have the right things in the right places at the right times."

That one is totally me. It's how I've ended up with a house full of family, even though I hate it sometimes. It's the right thing to do, because they need me/us. I can't boot them, as some people have suggested, because it's not who I am. I'll let them anger me and frustrate me and drive me to insanity...but I just CAN'T kick them out. They'd have nowhere to go and that would make me even more upset.

Also from the website: "The primary desire of the Protector SJ is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life, as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security" and "ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after..."

This is also me. I am always trying to protect people, keep them from getting hurt and making the same mistakes I've made. I have a lot of life experience, either from listening to others (another ISFJ trait) or experiencing it myself. I remember, and apply, everything people tell me. It frustrates me when people don't listen...I'm trying to help, dammit! I try to remember what it was like when I was younger and didn't listen to my mom, and how frustrating it must have been for her to have to sit back and watch instead of strangling me. I'm not sure how she did it!

the website is pretty cool. It tells you other people, both real and fictional, who are your personality type. It also gives you good career matches. What do you know...medical technologist is listed, and that's my major!!!

I am

You're The Sound and the Fury!

by William Faulkner

Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue, but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.


Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

Thanks to Snickolllet for the link.

The waiting is over

(WARNING: This post is angsty and possibly a bit graphic)

AF finally arrived last night around 9:30. She's still light, but the last two have been as well. I figured this one would be heavy, since the last two were light and this one is later than usual, but I'll have to wait and see.

I snapped at Chuckles last night. So far he's been slightly amusing where pregnancy is concerned. He lectured me yesterday on how to use a HPT and when the best time was - I tried not to look at him as if he were an alien. As if I haven't figured this out after all this time? I mean, yes I've taken tests only a handful of times...but I think I know how and when! Last night, though, was the straw. My period finally started and I rejoiced, because it meant I didn't have to test this morning (I hate it) and I could get my root canal done today without feeling guilty. He looks at me and says in all seriousness "You know Jen-Jen, you could still be pregnant".

I almost killed him. If Giggles hadn't been in the way I might have gotten very close to him to say what I said in response. As it was, I snapped "No, Chuckles, I'm not. I've been doing this for 3 1/2 fucking years and I can guarantee you that if my period started then I am not pregnant."

He said "But..." and I said "No. Not fucking pregnant" and he just pointed at Giggles.

Oh for the love of all that is sacred and holy! Have I not served my time? Have I not done what I could to educate every last person in my vicinity on what not to say? Have I not tried to de-bunk every fucking myth I've come across? WHY...WHY when I finally get the people in my life to stop harassing me with "just relax" and false hope do I have to do this again?! Why do people insist on believing that just because they got pregnant while on vacation in Jamaica that everyone who wants to be pregnant should go to Jamaica? Just because it sometimes happens does not mean it happens every fucking time. I'm fairly certain that infertility exists there too! And just because Giggles may or may not have had her period the first month she was pregnant does not mean that every other fucking female on the face of this planet will have her period the first month they are pregnant!

I don't know what to do with him. I refuse to let false hope exist in this household. I've served my time, I've had my pain. I have my own hopes (I tested, didn't I?) and I've learned to live with my period showing up, the blood representing my beaten and battered dreams flowing out for another month. My husband has learned what to do and say - and I don't think he's ever tried the false hope route. I've tested when AF is here at least once, because I was convinced that I had to have been pregnant and that this was just a fluke. I'VE BEEN THIS ROUTE. Please, God, don't make me do it again. I can't take it.

The results?

Negatory. Nothing besides the control line appeared. I was using First Response Quick Response, though, and I couldn't find any information on what HcG levels it tests. I went to POAS.com and they didn't have anything on it yet. Now I'm wondering "what if I used one of those stupid tests that doesn't measure until 25 or 50mil?" Ah the things that hope can do to us!

So...I guess I wait. Since I tested then AF should arrive in the next few hours. She usually does. She waits until I get my hopes up enough to test, gives me a few hours to fume and worry and wonder and then arrives to dash them against the rocks.

Please continue to send positive thoughts over to Baby Blues. She got a faint, faint positive and is waiting 3 days before she tests again. I don't know how she does it - I'd already decided that if my test was positive I was running to the doc to ask for a quantitative beta!

The Innocence of the Past

Aaron's oldest nephew and his pregnant fiancee moved in with us last week. It hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be. It's actually kind of fun having her around! It helps that she's not a tiny girl with a perfect preggo belly and she doesn't really glow. She's also almost to her 3rd trimester, so she's not throwing up or totally exhausted either. A little emotional, but that's ok.

At any rate, the day after they arrived Wilma and I took her down the the welfare office to get insurance and food stamps. Neither she nor Chuckles are working yet, but they need FOOD. :) I was talking to them about the killer heartburn I've been having for the past week and how tired I am. Wilma knows me well enough to know that this is a common state of being for me - my body likes to play tricks on me and give me preggo symptoms - so she didn't think anything of it. I have forgotten what it's like to be innocent, however. Later that night, while I was in another room, Giggles and Chuckles approached Aaron and said "So Jen said a few things today..." to which Aaron promptly started panicking "Oh shit...what could Jen have said that would have offended Giggles?" Apparently, they think I'm pregnant! Just based on the things I'd said. :) Aaron had a very hard time not laughing as he explained to them that I go through this every few months - my body pretending it's pregnant long enough to screw with my brain, only to have AF show up later. I told this to Wilma and she laughed so hard she almost fell off her chair. She said "Oh I love how with ALL THEIR 19 YEARS of experience, and 6 months of being pregnant, they can tell you all about your illness".

This made me think. Was I really this innocent once? Were any of us? Do we remember the days of poking and prodding our boobs until they were sore, just to see if they were sore? Of analyzing every twitch and twinge and random occurrence, wondering if it meant we managed to get pregnant this cycle? And I thought...and I remembered...and I realized just how bitter and jaded I've become. Once upon a 3 years ago the presence of heartburn would have made me smile...now it just makes me curse my body for trying to mess with me. Tender breasts would have made me cringe but wonder...now I shrug it off. Exhaustion was another of my friends...now I try to blame it on what's going on in my life. How did I get where I am? Was it voluntary or necessary to survive the onslaught of monthly disappointments? Is it possible to experience the thoughts I once had without also saying "Don't kid yourself. Don't get your hopes up. You know AF is just messing with you..."

Once again, I find myself riding a rollercoaster. AF usually arrives between CD23 & CD25. Today is CD26. I have had cycles as long as CD28, but I can't afford to wait that long this time. If AF doesn't arrive today and isn't there when I wake up, I am testing tomorrow morning. I am having a root canal done on Thursday and as much as I need to have that done and thus don't want to test until Friday, I can't in good conscience have it done without testing first. Part of me hopes I am - I'd be in good company. Part of me thinks "That's what I get for mocking Giggles like that!" Part of me hopes I'm not...and the other part of me is trying to be giddy while not getting knocked down by the rest of me. I'll only post in the morning if it's a positive...just like most months when I test. :)

Please say a prayer for Baby Blues as she's testing in the morning too.

Dashing about...

I should be leaving for physical therapy, but I'm not even dressed yet! So I'm dashing about, but I saw this video on another blogger's post today and wanted to share it. Grab your tissues and watch!

Tig's Photobucket

Photobucket Album

Mostly safe....

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Apparently it's not as bad as I thought! Thanks to Watson for the link to Rate My Blog

I also said that I would share my photobucket account with you so you could see the clothes we bought for my birthday. This scares the beejeebies out of me because the clothes (and I) don't look nearly the way we do in life. :( But I did promise, so here you go! Take pity, please!! Also...there are a lot of random photos in there. Some are of my kitties, some of a friend's 2 year old, some that are just sig's and avatars for a forum I'm on. :) This is my "hey I need to post a photo and need a place to host it" spot.

huh...

I made yesterdays post before coming back home, which means I hadn't read any of the blogs that I keep up with. As a matter of fact, I hadn't read any blog entries since Friday! (I know, I'm bad) At any rate, the first blog I read yesterday when I got home was Wendy's. Imagine my surprise to read this post. There must be something going around! :)

Saturday Aaron took me clothes shopping all day for my birthday. Mom contributed. Tonight he's going to take pictures of me in them and once I get them uploaded I will post a link to my photobucket so you can go see them. Last night he gave me a pony...4 of them, to be exact. :) (We'd had this discussion about me asking him to do things after we have sex, and how he'll agree to anything at that point. I asked for a pony, just being a smart ass. He got me a pony!) This morning he brought me in a penguin, since I'm collecting them now. What a guy! I also have $45 in Barnes & Noble gift certs to spend from family and friends. BOOKS!!!

I'll update this post later if I have anything to add. Right now I have to go get dressed and go to physical therapy. Yay me.

Turning 30

Today is my last day as a 20-something. Tomorrow I become a 30-something. In the past few weeks I've decided that 30 must be a time for self-reflection, at least for some, and a time for change. I've been meaning to post the reflections here, but I'm not sure anyone reads me since I post so sporadically, so I forgot to carve some time to blog. If I remember them again, I might post them.

1) I really don't have much to complain about. I DO complain, a lot, but really I don't have a reason to. So I can't have kids of my own. I have a niece and soon a nephew that I can play with and take care of any time I so choose. I own a house and two cars. I have a wonderful husband who loves me more than I could imagine. I have a steady job with a boss who is willing to rearrange my schedule to fit whatever I have to do - and that includes school. I'm going back to school to get a degree in a field I'm going to love. My life, while not perfect, is pretty damn good. I think it's all finally coming together.

My body is falling apart, however. That's my major complaint these days. I'm so tired of hurting all the time. I will never be pain free again. I know this and it depresses me greatly. I will settle for being in less pain, less enough that I can live my life again without worrying about the pain cost. At times I think that's too much to hope for, though. I know, I KNOW, that I couldn't handle a pregnancy at this time...if ever. The toll it would take on my spine would probably leave me paralyzed at worst...bed rest for 9 months at best. The more I learn about what's wrong with me, the more I realize that I may never be "fixed". Part of me thinks I should just suck it up and deal with it...the rest of me says "You weren't always like this...it will take a lot of time and money, but they'll get you better."

In a little less than a month, Aarons nephew and his pregnant fiancee are coming to live with us. We're having new carpet put into my den and they will be taking that room. I'm really hoping that Aarons sister is going to move out soon, so I can use THAT room as my den. I don't know what I'm going to do with all that stuff if she doesn't. There's two computer desks (one for the PC, one for the laptop/books), a hope chest, two file-style cabinets and a faux steamer trunk. Not to mention all the stuff in the closet!!

2) I think I'm okay with never having kids. Over the past several months I've really watched Fred & Wilma with their daughter. I've watched how they argue and snipe over who is going to watch her this Sunday. Fred wants Wilma to watch her while the boys are over to game; Wilma wants Fred to watch her because I'm also over and we're trying to get caught up on Gilmore Girls Season One. It isn't just Sundays either; it's every time one has something they want to do. They also have to get a babysitter any time they want to do anything. I know all the good stuff...but I've also realized how hassle-free my life is. I don't want to argue with Aaron over who is going to watch our kid. If we want to go out on a whim, I want to go. If we want to spend money, I don't want to have to worry about how that will affect our child. I can only imagine how bad things are going to get when their son is born. I'm happy being kid-free these days. Perhaps karma knew what it was doing all along. This is NOT to say that I think those who want them and can't have them have pissed karma off at all - please, no one take it that way. I simply choose to believe that in my case, maybe it's a good thing.

Ok...time for me to sign off for now. I'm at my parents house. I surprised my dad for Father's Day, and wanted to come visit my mom. I now have to go do a few errands for mom, go see her for a few hours, and then head home again. I have p/t in the morning (Yay for pain & torture on my birthday!) so I have to head home. I hope all of you are having a wonderful week.

Jo's Birth Story and other updates (lots of trigs)

I realized the other day that I never got around to posting Jo's birth story. Thanks to all of you who prayed for her, or kept her in your thoughts. Things worked out...barely. :) I've included her story below, with her permission as she sent it to me:

"Jonas Quentin (Naz) was born last Tuesday, May 8th, a little ahead of schedule. Travis barely made it home from the far North.

He has jaundice, and we were just sent home yesterday from the hospital, so things have been chaotic since then."

"So I went into my appointment last Monday and they discovered I was already in labor. I couldn't feel contractions, but hey, the fetal monitor doesn't lie. So my doctor says that I have to check into the hospital by 11 pm - she gave me an hour to get Travis at the airport that night, and his luggage, and then straight to the hospital we went. I had to go on the monitor because of the preeclampsia, so they hook me up. I'm 3 1/2 centimeters at that point.

I hit 7 centimeters about 8 hours later. And then I start throwing up, and having the most incredible pain in my back. I try to tell them at that point that I think I'm having back labor, and that the baby must be face up. They admit it is a possibility, but think that I will deliver soon, so we keep going. They had to give me something for the nausea, and it makes me seriously loopy. Horrible taste, too, like rancid garlic.

Two hours later, I'm nearly 10 centimeters and they tell me I can start pushing. I had been wanting to push since 8 centimeters, and having to blow through it. Nobody told me that you would feel like pushing before you could.

Jonas was face up, and it took me two hours of pushing to get him out. BUT I am my own hero - I did it without cussing at anyone, and didn't get the epidural. So it's possible to do it. :) I did have a minor second degree tear, but it didn't bother me. I didn't even notice when it happened, because I had a baby on my chest. :-)

The bad thing was is that all that pushing caused his scalp to bruise, and that led to jaundice, and five days in the hospital. The lactation consultant I saw was a bully. She had me in tears my last day because he had lost some weight (his pediatrician wasn't worried, but the LC told me that she wouldn't let me go home, which I was desperate to do, unless I could prove I was feeding him! As if I would starve my baby!). So I had a nurse sort of supervise a feeding - I buzzed and she showed up in time to see him detach anyway.

Our first doctor appointment together was yesterday, and he had gained an ounce, so evidentally the old bitch doesn't know what she's talking about. Hag. (Not that I'm bitter - the ped let me go home that day anyway!)

So that's the story, in all it's gruesome details."

In other news, I am not sure if I've mentioned Esme before. She's one of my friends from my early days on JSO. She had a HELL of a time getting pregnant - several m/c's, bedrest, ovarian drilling...the works. She had her daughter...a little over a year ago I think. Then again, I'm horrible with time so for all I know it's been two years! :) Today I went to her myspace and found out that she has been diagnosed with cervical cancer. She's at a stage 1B1, meaning that it's still early. It hasn't spread yet - they did all sorts of tests on her - and they are going to be treating it very aggressively. She's only 26!!! Her insurance company is stupid - they won't pay for her to have a hysterectomy because it's not "medically necessary". WTH? Because it hasn't spread and she's not 30, they won't let her remove it and avoid the chance of getting ovarian cancer. Insurance companies are stupid!!! She's having the tumor removed today and she starts radiation tomorrow, combined with Chemo 1xwk. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. So far she seems to have a wonderful kick-ass attitude...and my mom says that's really important in getting through it.

What else...oh yeah. Now I'm terrified. I have my annual next week along with my mammogram. I turn 30 in a few weeks and while I had baseline done 3 years ago, it's time for me to have another. I have cysts in my breasts so I have to stay on top of the mammies...it's the only way to discover if they turn cancerous. My breasts have been a lot sorer than usual lately, despite the fact that I wasn't drinking any caffeine for about a week due to being sick. This worries me...

Aaron starts class today. He's taking an English class over the summer to work on his pass/fail rate and get his GPA up so he qualifies for financial aid. It's going to take a while, especially at once class at a time, but it's all we can do. i'm wishing I was going back to school as my life is a lot less hectic when I'm in school - that sounds bad! Summer is just the only time the boss has to take vacations, and I have time to get all my docs caught up on. So..spinal injection, physical therapy, 3 root canals, my annual, the mammogram...and that's just what I have scheduled already. Most of our friends have birthdays over the summer too, as well as mine, so it's super busy. And hot - I think I'm going to die of heatstroke. Today it is 91* and it's only 2:30..and overcast. Stupid muggy.

Ok, I think I'm done rambling. One last thing - friend Elena (who is my birthday buddy) is due (after 3 eyars of trying) on the 6th. Thoughts her way, please!!!

BUTTPRINTS IN THE SAND

(I received this in an email almost 10 years ago. I've kept it because I love it. After reading through the blogs of some friends recently, it seems some of us could use this reminder. So...without further ado, I give you something that keeps me going from time to time.)

One night I had a wonderous dream.
One set of footprints there was seen.
The footprints of my precious Lord
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"for miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know.
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life there comes a time,
When one must fight and one must climb
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave one's butt prints in the sand."

(Feel free to take this and reprint it for your own use. I have no idea who wrote it, so I can't give them credit.)

This looked like fun

I was directed to this site, and it creates a survey for me. I post it here, y'all answer it, I get to learn more about you! WHEE! So humor me? If you have some time, take this survey. (And don't forget the other new post below this one!)

Please take my Blog Reader Project survey.

Time for my bi-monthly post

That seems to be the time frame things work out in, even though I have aspirations of doing it far more often than that. I just get distracted or don't feel like it. Sorry y'all, and thanks for your patience.

Af showed up the day after my last post. I knew she would, because I dared to have a tiny bit of hope. If I contemplate testing, or being pg, she shows. It's just the way it goes...and sometimes I use that to make her show up when I want her to!

I had an injection done in my spine yesterday. Two injections, actually. The doc was originally only going to do one, at the S1 joint, and if that didn't work then next week I'd have one between L4 & L5. When he started doing the injection under Xray he discovered a surprise. I have an extra vertebrae! It's between L5 & S1. This extra disk is the root of all my problems. He won't do a diskectomy, however, because it's how nature made me. I have the spine of a 5'9" person, and the room in my growth plates (still!) to grow that tall, but I'm only 5'5 1/2". I guess it really is true: I'm not overweight. I'm really undertall! :) Hope that made you giggle! At any rate, he decided to go ahead and do the injection at L5. I'm hoping it works because THAT was painful.

What else... Oh! We sold our old car, finally. We sold it to Fred & Wilma. They picked it up yesterday. I'm just glad to have it out from in front of our house. I also got my "final" grades for school...they were finalized yesterday. B+ in Spanish, B in both Biology and Math. I'm happy with that. I can't remember if I told all of you yet, but I've finally settled on a permanent major. I'll be getting an Associate's in Health Informatics & Technology, with a minor in Sociology. I will go back for my Bachelor's, since I've already done all the ground work for it. This degree will allow me to work in a medical office...I'm contemplating my RE's office, or a hospital. I want to be where I can do good, and I can empathize with the people. I also think it will be therapeutic for me.

In other news, I could swear I'm going through menopause. It's not funny. I'm not, because I researched it and I don't match. But I am having major hot flashes all the freaking time, I'm dizzy and nauseated. and the heartburn is coming back with a vengeance. They took my gallbladder out - I'm not supposed to be having heartburn anymore! I didn't eat anything unusual yesterday...but every time I rolled to the right last night I got heartburn. Stupid acid. And the hot flashes...oh Lord. Now I know how mom used to feel. I'm too young for this! I know that it can happen early, but still! My body temp doesn't go up - I checked - but it sure feels like it. They make me dizzy afterwards. I thought it was the prednisone, because that's a side effect, but I've been off it since May 7th or so...the side effects should be gone by now, right? And no, not pregnant. I'm on CD13, and have never had these symptoms at O time before...I don't think they even are. Not sure what to do, but I can't STAND it. I HATE being hot all the time. I'm wondering if I can convince my doc to do a full hormone workup for me when I go in for my annual next month...my FSH/LH levels ought to tell me something.

I think that's about it. I've been remiss in reading blogs lately as well. There was finals week and then the boss was on vacation. I'm hoping life settles back down to normal soon...I'd like a few pj days. I hope you're all doing well!

Freedom and other stuff

For starters, finals are OVER! FREEDOM IS MINE...for the next 3 months, at least. It looks like I ended up with a B+ in Spanish, a B in Math, and either a B or B- in Biology. It will depend on how many points, if any, she adds to the test we just took. Now I have three months of no school, just work. I imagine I'm going to be bored out of my skull - I've gotten used to having things to procrastinate! Oh well...maybe I'll get caught up on all the things I've been putting off around the house. I've also changed my major - permanently. It is now "Health Informatics & Technology" with a Sociology minor. It will teach me everything I need to know to work in a medical office or hospital. I'm contemplating trying to work for an RE's office! I already have the knowledge of cycles, and can empathize with the people coming in...I think it would do wonders for me. I am also contemplating trying to work in a hospital in the maternity ward or neo-natal unit. I'm not sure I could handle the latter, though, because I know not all babies make it. We'll see how things turn out - I have a few years yet.

In other news, I'm doing the TP Tango. Today is CD26. My cycles are usually 25 days. They've been known to be as short as 23 and as long as 28. The longest cycle ever was the one where I had my chemical pregnancy and that was 3 years ago in July. I think it was a 28 day...maybe 30. At any rate, about day 23 I start looking for AF to show. About day 27 I start wondering about testing. I checked yesterday and thankfully I don't have any tests in the house, nor do I have any extra money to go get any. I guess I'll just have to wait...oh darn! I really shouldn't expect this cycle to be normal - and in a way I'm not surprised that AF isn't here yet. I'm not sure when I ovulated or if I even did. Apparently prednisone (which I was taking for my back) can be used in conjunction with Clomid to make ovulation stronger. While I wasn't taking clomid, I do appear to have developed some cysts. At least, I think I have. I'm not being monitored, obviously, but the pain is familiar. When I did take clomid, I developed lots of follies...which turned into cysts. My body doesn't like having more than one follie apparently! So I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this cycle is going to be all wonked out because of the prednisone and where in my cycle I was taking it. Joy. I don't have time for this because...

My boss is going on vacation all next week. I will be working at least 40 hours. One of the people from our parent company has been "training" with the boss for the past few weeks and will be taking my two regular shifts next week. It's going to make for a REALLY nice paycheck! On the downside, the guy gives me the willies. Maybe it's because I don't know him and he's an older man. (Old men usually give me the heebie-jeebies...childhood trauma) I don't know...but I am very glad that I will be able to leave as soon as he gets there. I have to work with him for about 3-4 hours today. ACK! So I can't afford to be incapacitated by cyst-burting pain next week. (Insert "I haven't got time for the pain" song here)

JJ also has this post about hope and how it sneaks in. It's funny - I thought I'd given up on hope. Most cycles go by without me even wondering if we could be pregnant, or really even caring. I expect AF to show without a hitch, on time like she always does. This cycle? I have hope - sorta. A jaded hope, to be sure. You see, I think my drive may be coming back. Shhh...don't say it too loud, because my body might hear me and take it away again. At any rate, we appear to have had an EOD BDfest. It was a little late in starting...CD12...but it wasn't exactly planned and it wasn't for getting pregnant. It was just plain old fun sex - I've forgotten what that's like! Not having to have sex on a schedule, or worry about laying down for X minutes afterwards. But I realized around CD16 or so that we were being bunnies...for us. And that we actually stood something of a chance. Then I found out about the prednisone...and I thought maybe we had MORE of a chance. I ovulate anywhere from CD10 to CD13 and my LP is usually about 12-13 days. So you see how hope creeps in? And causes the TP Tango? (Thanks to JJ for the term, btw) I thought I was over this - but I think it's going to be part of my life forever and ever.

What else...hmmm....Well, if you don't read the girls on my list, SHAME ON YOU! And here's some quick updates if you want to check up on them: Watson has some awesome news for everyone. Head over and check her out! Snickollet appears to be doing ok in getting her life back in order. Zee is in the dark and finding her way out. Mel is doing some virtual blogging quilts (blilts) that y'all ought to contribute to. Max's Mommy is on to DIY Cycle #2 - head over and cheer her on! And last but not least, Pattycake is still waiting on her darned HcG levels to go down so she can start her next cycle.

I think that's all I have for today. I have some nonsense, random postings in mind if I ever get around to it. Things that amuse me in the middle of the night when I'm not sleeping. Oh joy!

Elation and Panic

This is a two part post:

First, the elation. I found out yesterday that I don't have to take my math final and that I got a B in the class! WOOT! This is such a miracle! I hate math and it hates me - I'm doing good to PASS the classes I take! After each exam, my professor has given us a printout of her gradebook so we can see how we're doing in the class. She then gave us a formula so we could figure out what we need on the final to 1) take our grade up a step or 2) keep the grade we currently have. I would need a 101.8 to take my grade to an A-, a 96.8 to take it to a B+ and an 86.8 to keep it the same. She said if we were happy with our current grade, or couldn't make it go up, we didn't have to take the final. WAHOO! I GOT A B!!!! It looks like I'll hopefully pull a C out of Biology (a B if I'm very very lucky), and probably a B out of Spanish too. Not too shabby!

*JO: If you are reading this, stop here!!!*

Now for the panic: My friend Jo, the girl I just mentioned, is one of my TTC sisters and a really good friend. She lives too far away from me, as far as I'm concerned. I've mentioned her before, in this post. I could also swear I posted about her pregnancy, but I can't find the post even after 10 minutes of hunting. At any rate, she got pregnant again a cycle or two after her m/c. She's due the end of this month. I got an Email from her late last week that said she's developed Pre-E and has been put on bedrest. She won't even be able to attend her own baby shower without her doc's approval! Yesterday I got another Email from her - they're inducing her next week, just as soon as her husband gets back into town. They don't want anything to happen to her or the baby.

I have to admit that I'm worried. I know she's far enough along that the little one will be just fine. A friend of my SIL's developed sudden pre-e and gave birth to her daughter at 24 weeks! Jo is plenty far enough along. I'm just worried, because it's what I do. I know the dangers involved, and I know that inductions aren't the easiest thing in the world. I watched Wilma go through her first one. I feel helpless, because I'm here and she's there and I can't do anything but be supportive. Please...would all of you please keep Jo in your thoughts next week? I would really appreciate it!!!

One last thing: Does anyone know what happened to Snickollet? Her blog has been down for two days - everytime I try to go, I get a page that says "cannot find this site". I'm worried.

Insensitive Infertiles?

This post over at Stirrup Queens about "Secondary Fertility" got me thinking about a lot of things in my life. As I was pondering those who struggle with infertility the first time around and get so lucky the second time around...the mail arrived. In the mail this morning was a birth announcement from a girl I have known through the WebMD boards for many years. I knew she'd had her baby - I get an Email every time she updates her page so I know to go check it if I can handle it. This morning, though...I began to wonder.

Those of us who live in the Land of IF have a (usually) unspoken set of rules that we live by. Things we do and do not say to those who don't live here, and even to others that do. The way we behave towards those lucky enough to escape, and those who seem doomed to live here forever. Some, like me, just hang around trying to help...even though we don't really live here anymore, because we can't seem to find the door to leave. I began to wonder...do those codes apply once you do leave? Do you suddenly forget that others are still sensitive? Do you have a magical form of amnesia that allows you to blank all the heartbreak that you experienced at the hands of others? If so, can I get some of that?! :)

I am not terribly upset at the birth announcement. A few months ago it would have had me in tears, but I'm alright. I think I've come to terms with not having children - or at least am in serious denial and justification mode. But how many other girls that we know received this in the past week? How many of them just got their 80th BFN or got news that their tubes are blocked or their totsicles didn't survive the thaw?

At what point do infertiles have to learn to "suck it up" and not let it bother them anymore? Why do we think we have the right to be so very sensitive about our reproductive state? Why do we all react so differently to it? (Some hide the problems, some wear it as a badge, some talk to complete strangers about it all the time...like me!) Why do we expect the rest of the world to tip-toe around us because we've been told we can't have what they can? If that were the case, we would not eat chocolate in front of diabetics because the diabetic would have the right to cry at us for pushing it in their face. There are so many fine lines and double-standards to everything. It makes me wonder how we all survive, how our families stay in tact, how we keep our friends. I'm afraid I don't have any answers to any of my questions, but they're just food for thought.

Hello to everyone still reading me. I promise I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. It's "Dead Week" this week, finals are next week, the boss is on vacation for a week after that. Then it's SUMMER BREAK. No classes for 3 whole months. There's a lot going on in my life - I'm just not sure how much of it I'm comfortable sharing here. I don't want to run anyone away, and I sure as hell don't want to be judged for my choices in life...good or bad. I'm hoping to get back to writing this summer, but there isn't a lot that seems like it would be interesting to all of you. :) Thanks for stopping by - have a GREAT week!

Snickollet...

I was directed to Snickollet's blog from Adrienne over at Max's Mommy. There was a beautiful memorial candle on her page and I wanted to know why. I went to Snick's site...and read her news. I then proceeded to read all of her posts on the story of her and GH and all they've been through as they've fought his cancer. By the end I was weeping for them. The Stirrup Queens directed me over to Emmie's blog, where she had made a candle for us to post. Thanks Emmie!

So, in memorium of GH and his battle, I am posting this. Maybe it can make someone's day a little brighter.

Free Treatment?

So I think I mentioned that MIL got her disability and is absolutely stoked. I think I may have also mentioned that they are going to be moving out in a year. If I didn't, I just did. :) We may actually be selling the house THIS summer if we can get all the fixing up done in time - we'll see what happens.

At any rate, we were talking with MIL last night about moving, and the stuff she's bought lately, and how happy she is that she's got her own checking/savings accounts again and stuff. Out of what was, to me, the blue she says "I've been thinking. If this isn't too out of line for me to do this, I'd like to set some money aside in a separate fund for you two to try another treatment."

Slam to the gut #1.

My dear and loving husband says "Jen? This is your decision to make."

Thanks hunny...appreciate you buffering me there. You know how I feel about treatments these days.

I was facing the computer, MIL in the doorway behind and to my right, Aaron in the rocking chair behind and to my left. I tipped my head back and said (as calmly as I could) "I really appreciate that. I don't think we're going to be doing anymore treatments in the near future. I want to graduate school first, which is another 3 years from now, and I'm not even sure I want to DO any treatments. One was enough. Besides which, next time they want me to do stims along with the clomid. I don't want to do stims. I'm not a fan of needles, I've seen the bruising that it leads to. I don't like the idea of all those drugs in my system. If you thought I was bad on the clomid...stims just makes it worse. It's also a lot to pin on a cycle. A lot of heartbreak that I'm not sure I can do anymore. This journey of ours has really taken a toll on me - I'm much more bitter and jaded than I might otherwise be. I don't even recognize myself anymore. So...thank you for the offer, but it probably won't be used."

My once again dear, loving, supportive husband says "Well, Jen, you know they won't MAKE you do stims if you don't want to." SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU AREN'T HELPING! My MIL responds with "You would have changed anyways - that's what life does. If the result at the end is your own biological child, isn't it worth it?"

Ouch. Slam to the gut #2.

To which I again tried to calmly respond "No. If I lose myself in the process, it's not worth it. I want a child, yes, but if I resent that child because of everything I went through in order to have it...it's not worth it." (someone sorta made that point in a comment...thank you)

MIL then said "Well, I think you'll make great parents. And you can't blame me for wanting a grandbaby."

SCORE! Three slams. Thanks, MIL, for making me feel like I'm your only hope. Even though you have a daughter who can give you babies. Even though we could adopt. Even though you have two step-grandsons and 3 step-granddaughters.

I hashed it out with Aaron. He understands that I don't think I can do this. The gesture is nice, but it isn't about the money...something too many don't seem to understand. Wilma is beginning to get it, after our long talk. MIL just...doesn't. No matter how many times I try to explain that it isn't the money - I could put it on a card if it were THAT important still. It isn't the fear that I won't be a good parent - I've raised several happy kitties as humans, thank you very much. It's the heartache and the stress and the drugs. I never thought I'd have to go through treatments - none of us ever do, I suppose. I have always been adamant about IVF, though. IUI isn't so severe, and so I was okay with it. I made myself be ok with the clomid. I don't think I can make myself be ok with the stims.

Part of me thinks I'm crazy for not jumping on this train. Some of you will probably think I'm crazy too. It's not every day that someone offers to pay for a treatment. I think all of us would love to have a free treatment, just once. Problem is...I don't want it.

Hello? Hello?? *TAP**TAP*

It appears that some of you are still checking in on me. I apologize for it being almost a whole freaking month since I last blogged. Life has been slow, and yet very very busy. I haven't had a whole lot going on besides school and work, and nothing special going on in either place...all of which means I don't have a lot to say. But tonight...well, tonight God decided to let me know He still has a sense of humor and I'm still the butt of his jokes. So I decided to swing by and update anyone who is still lurking around for me.

Last weekend, Aaron and I went away for the whole weekend. It was the end of spring break and we just needed some time away from everyone and every thing. We went to McCall, Idaho and stayed at The Whitetail Club. It's a 5 star place - full resort. We've never been to a place that nice and I'd love to go back over the summer. It was really relaxing! On the way there, we passed a white horse. So what? you ask. Well, my grandmother taught me a ritual that you do any time you pass a white horse. It goes "Spit, Spot, white horse. Money before the week is out!" and is accompanied by some hand movements. I, out of habit, did this when we passed it. It's always worked for dad and Nan, some day it's bound to work for me...right? Today it did. I received a check in the mail from our home mortgage company because we apparently overpaid our escrow. The amount? $11 shy of what we spent on our trip. :) Way cool!

Two days ago my sister in law approached me with a "special request". She's gotten into some financial trouble thanks to a roommie who lied to the landlords and needs to move back home for a bit to get on her feet again. I talked to Aaron about it and he said it was ok. She's going to be paying us rent again, and I don't have to give up my coveted office space. She's going to be sleeping in the 3rd bedroom, on the spare bed we have in there. With the cats. And the cat box. I feel so evil for feeling such glee at this. She's developed an allergy to the cats since she went to college and my monster kitty absolutely LOVES my SIL. :) I know he'll be sleeping on her face, keeping her awake with his incessant purring. Today she asked to borrow $200 - and she'll pay us back as she pays us rent. Being the supportive people we are, and me remembering what it was like trying to get up on my own feet not so long ago, we agreed. I hope this doesn't bite me in the ass.

Today, two very important things happened. These are the things that made me remember that God (or karma, take your pick) hasn't forgotten me. The first is that my MIL got her lump sum payment for her disability. She's been trying to get on disability for 3 years...she finally got approved (bench decision) last month. She hasn't even gotten her first monthly check yet, but got the lump sum. This means she and my FIL can get all caught up on their debt, get all of it paid off, pay their other bills on time. And move out. You heard me. My MIL informed me tonight that over dinner, she and FIL discussed moving out in a year. They want to give us time to get caught up on our bills *snicker* *snort* and figure out what we're going to do. Do? Sell the damn place, of course. We can do nothing less, because we can't afford the payments without them here. PANIC MODE ALERT! There is a TON of work that we need to do. Replace all the flooring in every room and paint all the walls with KILZ and new paint. It's going to cost us a little over $2k because we're willing to pay someone to lay the flooring for us. With me in school full time, working part time, and Aaron working full time...we don't have time for this. It's worth it to pay for my sanity. It looks like we're going to be getting started on this very soon, so we can do it little by little. It all has to go on a credit card.

The second thing is that Aaron's oldest nephew called tonight. He's getting married in July - we've known this since last year. He's 19 years old, his fiancee is about the same age I think. Tonight he called to tell us...she's pregnant. I am not sure what to do with this. I swear by all that is holy that once again, just as I get used to the idea that we're better off without kids and I'm going to survive and I'm ok with my friends being pregnant...that someone else comes along to shoot me. How stupid can people be? Kids KNOW that if you don't use protection you run the risk of getting pregnant. Did he think that just because Uncle Aaron's boys don't work, his wouldn't either? Aaron is the only male in his family with this issue - he's also the only one with spherocytosis. Besides his uncle John and we can't prove anything there because he also had the measles, which make you sterile. I'm not happy for our nephew or his fiancee. I think it was stupid of them, and I'm rather upset with karma at the moment. I ARE NOT AMUSED!

I keep hoping we'll win some major money somewhere so I can adopt a child or something. I've given up on getting pregnant - it's just not going to happen and I am not willing to go through IVF. Never have been, from the very start. Kudos to those who do/are, it's just not for us. Outsiders don't get this, and I've given up explaining it to them. Wilma's SIL has gotten them to join her business, selling telecommunications. The SIL knows our issues - hell, everyone knows by this point. We went over to Wilma's house last night and were talking about the business. The SIL says "There is this couple I met, they live here. They tried and tried to get pregnant and couldn't...same boat you were in. They started working this business and making money. She was able to write a check for $22K and go through IVF and now her son will be a year old. When I heard this story I immediately thought of you. You could do this business, have the treatments and not have any debt." I swear...I almost slapped her. Aaron just looked at me and I looked at him, and I knew he understood. That's all it took to rescue her from me.

They don't get it. They'll never understand. I can say "I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I don't want to have a child so much that it ruins me. I don't recognize myself anymore and it makes me sad. I want to be ME again." And they still don't get it - they think I'm hiding behind a wall, deflecting the pain. I'm not. I'm serious. I simply can't do this to myself or to Aaron anymore. It's not fair. What right does IF have to take away our selves?

Enough rambling for tonight. I hate long posts because I get bored by the end, and I hate writing them for the same reason. I guess that's what I get for not posting for a month. I forgot that this a good place to just think. If you're still here, still reading...thanks! And go check out my friends' blogs. Some need cheers, some need support, some will make you giggle - but go see them!

Sorry y'all...

It's been a while since I updated. Thanks to those who checked in on me - I appreciate it.

There's a lot going on these days, most of it not so good. I am now on Prednisol for my back - it started a major flare and even through the painkiller/muscle relaxer haze I could feel the pain. One day of that and I went back to the doc. He has me on a Prednisol treatment for 2 weeks, see if that can get calmed down. Other than that there isn't much they can do for me. According to them, it isn't impinging on any nerves so they don't advise surgery. Gee...because who'd want to be without pain?! The downside to the Prednisol is that it makes you gain weight. So all that water weight I lost? I gained it back. I'm up to 200 exactly again. But it's ok...I'm still under 215, which is where I started!

I took a biology exam today - and totally failed it. I got 54 out of 100 points. I don't know what happened - I studied for 3 hours this morning. I KNOW that stuff. I could talk about it all day long. I'm absolutely fascinated by genes and genetics and was seriously contemplating a degree as a genetics counselor. I got in there to test...and I went blank. Just...it was as if I'd never seen any of it before. I am so upset right now, I don't know what to do.

Saturday was a blast. I went out with my friend Michelle and her boyfriend to a Roadster show. About the time I was done with that, Sabrina messaged me to tell me her itinerary for the night so Aaron and I could go join up with her and bunch of her friends for a girls' night out. Yes, I know Aaron isn't a girl but the exception was allowed. He's really good with women - he was raised by them! He's also really good at putting people at ease and blending in. Sabrina allowed it so I would come out with her - I have issues in group social settings where I don't know anyone, and I couldn't reasonably expect Sabrina to babysit me all night. I'm really glad we went out though - I haven't had that much fun in a long time. We stayed out drinking and dancing until 2am!

It reminds me of This is NOT what I ordered!: My New Definition of Fun from Zee. For once I went out drinking with friends and didn't think about where I was in my cycle, or if I should drink, or school, or the homework I should be doing, or the pain I would be in the next day. I just...had fun. And I was in pain on Sunday - I woke up thinking "OMG I HAVE KNEES!" but I didn't have a hangover. Today I'm much better, and tomorrow will be even better than today. Sabrina has also invited us to come out this next weekend to celebrate one of the other girls' birthdays...she likes us going out with her. I won't abandon her for some strange man, like some of the girls did, or wander the bar in search of a man, or just leave her hanging. I brough my man with me...so I didn't need to go home. :) Aaron and Sabrina danced together quite a bit, which I'm not sure what I think of that yet. It was at my prompting...and I'm having to face my past over this...but I tihnk I'll be ok. It's time to face some of my fears and hope they are unfounded. Aaron is good enough to keep me updated on everything, so for now all is well.

Other than school, work, and the fact that I'm finally making some new female friends, there isn't a whole lot going on in my world. Sorry I haven't updated recently - I haven't had anything to day. I'm just passing time until school is out and I can relax for the summer! I hope all of you are doing well - I'm going out to enjoy the sunshine!