Tigger's Infertility Madness and What Others Have to Say About It

New Digs (updated)

2011-10-16T23:22:00.002-06:00

I am working on moving this blog over to wordpress. I've been here an awfully long time, but...I feel it is time for a change. Once I get it set up, I will put a redirect post here so that no one misses me - and I'll remember to update Mel. Who knows - maybe I'll move BOTH blogs over there!!

Update: New address Please change our your bookmarks/subscriptions on your reader so you can keep up with all my non-happenings. :D

Let's pretend! updated

2011-09-03T13:10:00.002-06:00

*UPDATE: I have added more links under both personal support and other posts about this meme*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you seen the newest FB meme going around? The one that wants you to follow the list and put how many weeks faux-pregnant you are and what you're craving, based on your birth month and year? (for example, I'd be 6 weeks and craving pickels) Somehow it's supposed to raise awareness for breast cancer. I'll wait for you to think about that.

Yeah, how many weeks pretend pregnant I am does WONDERS for breast cancer awareness. Especially when we're not supposed to tell the male half of the gender world what it's about. Because, you know, they aren't affected at all. They NEVER get breast cancer. They NEVER have wives, sisters, mothers, friends, girlfriends, daughters, sons, brothers, fathers who get breast cancer. Nope. Your infertile friends are sure to understand when they find out it's "just a game", right?

I'm seriously pissed, but I couldn't figure out how to phrase what I was pissed about. And thus, I stole someone else's status from her blog post (with permission, of course). I'm quite certain I'm going to catch hell for it, but you know what? I don't care. I know we infertiles are just "too sensitive" to not being able to have children. We somehow think we're "entitled" to sensitivity. Yes, these are things I've heard over the past few years. And do you remember my post a few months ago, about being told that I was "getting a lot of slack because people know I'm never going to [get to] be pregnant again"?

So, you want to raise awareness (because somehow there's someone who isn't aware of breast cancer or how to detect it when we are bombarded with information all the time) or donate to finding a cure? Here's some places where you can go to help:

Susan G Komen Foundation
National Breast Cancer Foundation
American Cancer Society Breast Cancer Society

And that's just for starters, places I found with a few simple clicks of the mouse and help from google.

Here's a few people who could use personal or financial support:

Sunshine for Karen (The SIL of a friend, who is going through breast cancer treatments with very little insurance.)
Cancer and Other Hiccups (personal blog of friend Silverlupus, about her fight with breast cancer. She can always use more support)
Cancer and Other Hiccups Facebook (facebook page of Silverlupus)

Lest you think I'm alone in my anger:
Pretending you're pregnant isn't cute
Breast Cancer Awareness Fail
Pretending you're pregnant makes people truly understand breast cancer
It's Still September, Guys
Raising awareness: you're doing it wrong
Addressing the Pretending Like You're Pregnant Mess on Facebook
Facebook has Crossed the Line
I'm 0 Weeks and Craving a Baby
I'm Pregnant! Just kidding?
I'm Zero Weeks and Craving a Baby
(yes, this is a different blog post from the one listed just above it by a similar name)
"It's Just a Game"...Except When It's Not
and I'm Craving...
Pretend Pregnancies Aren't Funny in Any Situation
I Like It on the Kitchen Table
Weeks in Facebook Status
(the post is just info, but check out the comments!)
I'm 8 Weeks and Craving Kit Kats for Breast Cancer
How facebook can raise awareness of just how thoughtless and ignorant you are
In the name of awareness
(this one is about last years 'bra color' meme, but it is very relevant)
Friday Night Leftovers
More Facebook Action in Defense of Infertiles
I'm No Weeks and I'm Craving Nothing
On courage, "that" facebook meme, and coming out of the infertility closet
That Facebook Thing
Those Dang Facebook Games Regarding the Facebook "Breast Cancer Awareness" game
Influx of Pregnancy? Nope.
Spoilsport

Those are only the ones I've found so far. I'm sure there are many many more among the bloggers I don't read, and that haven't posted somewhere that they've written a post about it. This hits me on two fronts - the infertility (just because I managed to get lucky and get pregnant AND keep it AND have a healthy child does NOT mean I am no longer infertile, or that it's not still a button for me) and the cancer front - I'm sure my mother would have benefited GREATLY from all these fucking posts about breast cancer. I mean, it could have made a WORLD of difference to her. Yup.

This meme has made several people cry, others to block their friends, torn some people apart. Before you participate in these idiotic games, take a minute to think: is there anyone on your friends list that you care about who might be hurt by this?

Unglued and milestones

2011-08-28T18:25:00.000-06:00

I figured I probably better update on everything going on for the past month. My last post was that the Boy had rolled back to front. That night we also put him in the crib for the night for the first time. The next day he was sick - as in "throwing up 9 times in 7 /12 hours" sick. I called the on-call people, who told me to give him pedialyte and no formula for 24 hours. Seemed to have done the trick because he wasn't sick the next day.

I caught myself going "maybe it was the crib" and "maybe I shouldn't put him in there" and all sorts of other dire things. I realized I was being neurotic, so back into the crib the child went on Sunday night. (Saturday night I kept him in the bassinet that we still haven't taken down, just so I was near.) He's been in the crib every night since and most of the time he sleeps through the night. On occasion he will wake up at 3-4am, and I always know when it's going to happen - it's the nights that he doesn't go to sleep right after eating because he's fighting it and it takes us an hour to get him down. Those are the nights that I know I'm going to get woken up for a feed. Our main problem these days is getting him to sleep without being in the swing first. He'll fall asleep during that last feed, but the instant you put him in the crib he wakes up and hasn't figured out how to put himself back to sleep yet. So we bring him out, put him in the swing and once he's asleep again, move him to the crib. Again. Now, MOST of the time that works...but there are other times where he wakes up as soon as he touches the crib, even after the swing. Those are the nights that take an hour to get him down, because we repeat the swing scenario until it works. Which it will, eventually.

He should be crawling before long, I think. He's sort of doing it now - he pushes with his legs and scoots around, but he doesn't actually crawl. No using his arms or anything. In the PNP the child damn near does headstands! He gets his head in the corner while he's on his tummy and just pushes with his legs, which does nothing but push his little butt up in to the air! I have a feeling I'm going to miss his first crawl. Why? Because I decided to go back to school and he spends M/W at Wilma's place until about 1:00 when I get out of class. T/Th my MIL comes over and watches him until either I get out of class (Tuesdays) or Aaron gets home (Thursdays). Aaron has class on Tuesday evenings too and gets out about the same time I do.

As for the coming unglued, it involves the MIL. Is anyone really surprised? When we first found out we were pregnant, I told her that no one was allowed to hold or be around the Boy if they'd been smoking...and I meant it, and she knew I did. She completely quit just before he was born...and then her dad died and she started up again. She'll use any excuse, I swear to God. Not that her dad dying wasn't stressful, and I know that smokers (or previously smokers) will smoke (or start to again) in periods of high stress. That was almost 5 months ago, and she hasn't stopped again. And? I can no longer forbid her from being around him. Why? Because I decided to go back to school. I *need* her to watch him twice a week while I'm in classes. The university has a child care program, but it has an almost year-long waiting list most of the time. Which means I *might* get him in next fall, if I'm lucky. I don't want to impose on Wilma any more than I have to, and we can't afford regular day care, so I'm relying on the MIL to watch him for me. And that, my friends, leaves me no legs to stand on. I'm in a corner with no way out until May when school ends for the year...at least until next fall, when I hope that I get into the child care.

I told Aaron that she'd smoke at the house because I couldn't stop her and I was right. When we BOUGHT the house from them, I ordered them outside to smoke, and they complied. Until one day, when I was in the front room, I could smell smoke through the vents. I walked very quietly from the front to the back and caught her smoking in her chair. She apologized and went on and on, not that I believed her for one instant. Today I stepped on a cigarette butt in the pantry. We have only one friend who smokes, and he voluntarily smokes outside (no matter where he is) and I'm assuming he tosses the butts in our outside garbage. Or maybe he puts them in his pockets and throws them away at home - I don't know and I don't care. He doesn't hold my son, so he can do whatever the hell he wants. Am I wrong to be pissed about this? She and I have had MANY discussions about her smoking while we were trying to get pregnant. I tried and tried to tell her how much she was hurting OUR reproductive health, since she doesn't appear to give a rats' ass about her own. She wanted a grandchild, but refused to stop smoking to help us. And now that we have her long-awaited grandchild? She refuses to stop smoking for HIS health. I don't understand and I doubt I ever will. If anyone has suggestions, I'm open to them. For now, I'm going to go do something that will hopefully calm me down before I throw something.

In trouble now!

2011-07-22T19:36:00.000-06:00

The Boy has been rolling onto his side for several weeks, but no farther than that. Not any more!

Earlier today he was on his playmat, making burbling noises, when suddenly the noises changed. I looked over and he was on his tummy, one leg on either side of the arch that goes over the mat. Being a mean mommy, I rolled him back over but he wouldn't do it again. Aaron got home and played with him a bit, then left him on his back on a blanket...I watched, and the Boy rolled AGAIN. So Aaron rolled him back, walked away, and watched...sure enough, once again. He left him there, went to make dinner, and I looked up...and he was on his back again! I asked Aaron if he'd flipped him, he said no - so that means that on the same day, the Boy rolled back to front to back.

We are in SO much trouble! I remember reading that the muscles they develop to go front to back are the same ones used for crawling, and that crawling isn't far behind the ability to roll front to back. The Boy will be 4 months old on the 4th of August. I can't WAIT to tell the doc on the 8th!

Interviewed

2011-07-18T14:28:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine over on LJ posted his answers to an interview and invited us to request being interviewed. Not one who is usually invited into stuff like that, I jumped at it. Here are his questions to me and my answers:

1. Why Tigger?
The first Hundred Acre Woods themed item I ever received as a gift was a musical snow globe with all of the characters, plus Christopher Robin. I was using the name of another famous orange cat as my screen name at that time, but Tigger fit me better at the time I received said gift. Apparently my family thought so too, as I began receiving a lot of Tigger items as gifts for Christmas and birthdays. Now everyone knows I collect them! Tigger also fits my online personality a lot better. Real life, I feel more like an Eeyore, but online I have more freedom, more friends. Which is not to say that I say/do things online that I wouldn't say/do in real life, but more that I don't have to watch myself nearly as closely. I CAN say exactly what I want! :)

2. You and five people from your flist each get one super power. Who gets what?
I shall take the power to light stuff on fire. Fire is useful for a great many things, not the least of which is defense. Plus? It's just plain fun!
To Mel, the power of flight. She does so much for so many, I think the power of flight would make it easier on her to do all she wants and still have plenty of time for the twins!
To Gwendomama, the power to bend time. I'm quite certain she could make good use of it!
To Cathy, the power to heal. Being able to take care of things herself without having to deal with docs would be a very large help, I think.
To Jess goes the power of cloning. Being able to clone ones self and be in several places at once without upsetting anyone would be quite useful, imo.
To MeiLin, the power of the force. "you don't want this bpal, give it to me" is something I can TOTALLY see her doing!

And remember, people, "With great power comes great responsibility".

3. If you could live in any place and time, what would you choose?
I have debated this all night and you know what conclusion I came to? Me neither! I was trying to find a time when life was easier, or better to women/men in general, and I realized that there just isn't one. All times and places have their downsides, no matter how perfect it may have seemed. With the tech and medical knowledge we have now, it's actually one of the better times to live! Now if it was a FICTIONAL place, I know where I'd like to be.

4. You're going to be stuck on a desert island. You get to take five things with you. Whatever you want. Real or fictional, alive or inanimate. Anything, as long as the main purpose isn't to facilitate your escape. Food, shelter, and solar-powered multimedia player included free. What's on your list?
First item is a towel. Douglas Adams tells us that it is "about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have" and while I'm not an interstellar hitchhiker, being stranded on a desert island is certainly a place where you want to have all the useful things you can.
Second item: a Pipboy. Fallout has taught me the many uses of a pipboy, including carrying things for me so I don't have to have an entire luggage set in order to carry my things.
Third thing I would take would be clothes. Just because there's shelter doesn't mean there are items to wear to protect me when I am outdoors or help provide warmth when it's cold - shelter is simply something that protects you from the elements.
Fourth would be a Kindle. Depending on how long I'm stuck, I'd have a large variety of books to read since it has a 2-month batter life. If I choose fictional, I say a solar-powered one so it never dies. Entertainment! Things to keep me from going crazy stuck in my own head.
Last, but not least, my husband. I get to take things that are alive, yes? So husband. With him at my side I can get through anything!

5. What is your proudest accomplishment to date?
Predictably, having my son and managing NOT to kill him in the last 3 1/2 months due to my own ineptness. Yeah, yeah, people have been first time parents for a very very long time and most of the time the child does not die due to their parents not knowing what in the hell they are doing. Considering it took six years to get pregnant with this child, I think someone just didn't think I knew what I was doing enough to let me have one! Now that Mom has joined that someone, this might very well be her idea of a practical joke...with consequences. I mean, I can't keep a PLANT alive, so keeping the child alive and healthy is something for me to be proud of! Ok, so it seems like I'm not taking it seriously. I am. You should know by now that I handle things with humor when they are too serious for me to really deal with.

If you want me to interview you, let me know in the comments and leave your blog link if you don't think I already have it!

Reflux?

2011-07-17T16:24:00.000-06:00

I know several bloggers have babies/children that have been diagnosed with silent reflux. What are the symptoms? When the Boy spits up, it's usually if he's been laying down after a feed - which he does almost all the time, because he plays after he eats and he can't sit up yet. It does not, however, happen every time I lay him down after a feed.

There doesn't seem to be a pattern. It doesn't seem to matter if he burps or not, whether it's hot in the house or cooler, whether he's all bundled up in the Woombie (which is still cool!) or if he's in a onesie. Doesn't matter who is holding him to feed him. Sometimes it happens when I put him in the swing, but not nearly as often as it does when he lays down. Could this BE reflux? What do I do to fix it? It's not like it's a problem for ME, but it does upset him (especially if it's particularly forceful) and it comes out his nose (because of the cleft) which I'm sure can't be comfortable. Sometimes, too, it happens when he sneezes! I'm going to guess that's because of the cleft again, that some formula is sitting near the opening to the nasal passage and just comes out when he sneezes. If something is wrong, though, I want to do what I need to in order to fix it. We HAVE tried a different formula - the one we normally use is lactose based, so we switched to a corn based one and there was no difference.

Making baby food?

2011-06-30T19:05:00.000-06:00

We are contemplating making our own baby food. I know that several of you in the blogosphere have done this. We have...very little idea where to start. We have a kickass blender that has a few recipes in the cookbook that came with it, but that's all.

How long does it keep?
Do we refrigerate or freeze it ahead of time?
How big of a batch do we make?
Are there certain foods that just don't make well?
What kind of foods should we make?
Is it really cheaper than buying baby food in the end? Because that's why we want to do this. Well, that and we know what goes into his food.

Help please!!!

Two months?

2011-06-16T23:58:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's been two months since I wrote a post. I apologize for the absence. It seems like I have a lot to say and yet nothing to say at the same time. Let me see what I can formulate that makes any semblance of sense:

* Baby is sleeping through the night, for certain definitions of "through". He goes to bed between 10:30 and midnight - whenever he starts getting cranky in that time frame. We have a routine for it, so that helps. When he gets cranky, he gets taken into the nursery and gets a diaper change, and then put in a Woombie, given a final bottle, and put in the bassinet. He generally sleeps about 5-6 hours, wakes for a feed, goes back to sleep for another 3-4 hours.

* Monday is my 34th birthday. Three days after that marks the beginning of the cycle that I got pregnant with Colson. A whole year has passed already! I still remember the day they called me to tell me that I was pregnant. I remember getting a concussion about a week before I found out. I remember a lot of things, and I can't believe it's been a year.

* My brother is going to get himself arrested. How do I know this? Because he's made a few posts on FB that lead me to believe he is heading to MO, which is where his ex-wife lives with their daughter. The last time he went there it did not turn out well. He went to her house and she was out on a date - yes, they were already divorced. He HID in the freaking BUSHES until she got home...and then he proceeded to bang on every door and window, begging her to let him in and talk. She eventually called the cops and he ran. IIRC, she had a restraining order on him. I am uncertain what he hopes to accomplish, other than seeing his daughter. He...behaves as if he thinks his daughter will welcome him with open arms and be all "oh daddy I missed you" or something. Not going to happen. He's been out of their life for a rather long time - I think she's 11 now, and she was just a toddler (if that) when they got divorced. I won't be surprised in the least if his ex has him arrested on sight. I would, in her place.

*Back to baby stuff. He is making noises that actually sound like words from time to time - like "uh-oh" and "woo hoo". I know it's a coincidental stringing together of noises, but it's still cool. He's learning to mimic us, bat at his toys to make them move intentionally, kick the ball that hangs from his play mat to make it swing. He giggles a lot, blows spit bubbles, and is generally a happy baby. This is not to say that he is not occasionally also a demon spawn, especially if we're slow to understand what is causing his malfunction, but generally happy. We've gotten several compliments from waitstaff at places we go about how well-behaved he is. No screaming in public for us, no way. He gets a pacifier as soon as he starts with the noises while we figure out if it's going to be food or a diaper change. Never leave home without a couple bottles of formula and a couple of water, just in case!

*My oldest cat gives me the dirtiest looks when the babe starts wailing, like "woman, would you please placate and take care of your human kitten? It's making NOISE." If that fails, she'll start meowing along with his cries...only she doesn't meow very well, so they almost make the same noise. Should THAT for some reason not get my attention, she and my other cat will begin an out-and-out cat fight, complete with caterwauls. Because, you know, I have time to deal with them while I'm trying to placate the screaming meme that my child has become and I OBVIOUSLY can't hear him because I haven't solved it in a timely manner according to the cats. And the dog...she starts running from baby to me to baby to me, like "mom! mom! It's making sounds! Make it stop! It's in HERE! MOM! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" So glad I have helpers to notify me that I've apparently lost my hearing....

*This weekend will mark my husbands first Father's Day. Since it's right before my birthday, we're making a weekend of it. My MIL is going to come and watch baby for a few hours on Saturday while we go get massages. After that is a BBQ that's being held by a friend of ours, so we'll take Cole over there. On Sunday we are going to go out to a movie and dinner. Our friend Cassie messaged Aaron and said "hey, if you guys want to do something this weekend, I'm free to watch Cole" so we took her up on that. :) She loves this baby dearly, and she knows how to feed him, so I'm going to be brave and let her watch him for about 6 hours. I will try not to panic and call her to see how he's doing, and I will try not to wonder out loud about him while I'm out. I did say TRY. Monday marks my actual birthday, but I don't think anything is planned. I'm ok with that. I don't really "enjoy" birthdays anymore, I don't think. I want people to remember, and I think I might like a surprise party maybe, but...I always end up planning my own party and I hate that.

I think that's all. I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I've just been...learning how to be a mom and do anything else at the same time. I am going to be doing a giveaway next week, if I can remember for more than 5 minutes.

Silence

2011-04-16T21:32:00.000-06:00

I apologize for being so quiet now that I've had Colson. Those of you who've had newborns probably know what I'm going through right now - the need for sleep above all else. Hygiene has gone by the wayside - who needs to shower when I could use that time to get 20 minutes of sleep? Eating - what's that? Of course, I'd love to eat, since I'm hungry, but every time I eat it comes right back out the other end. That's assuming I can get the food down in the first place. I started a new med and the side effects are not pleasant for me. "Intestinal discomfort" doesn't begin to cover it, and I keep having the feeling that I'm going to puke. Pharmacist says it will go away after about a week, but seriously...I can't take care of a newborn AND be in the bathroom every 20 minutes. It just doesn't work like that, and skipping the bathroom is NOT an option. I'm sure I'll figure out how to go and take care of Cole at the same time, but I haven't done so yet.

Cole. I love this child. I do. I just wish I could understand him better. As in, understand his cries, what he wants/ needs/how to fix whatever it is. Dad keeps telling me I have to learn to let him "cry it out" once I've tried food, clean diaper, and holding. Just put him in the bassinet and walk away for 20 minutes. He was apparently never a new mommy! Even Aaron has an easier time of that than I do - why is that? I have to time it, and as soon as that 20 minutes is up, in I go. Or sooner, if I just can't handle it. I get conflicting information - you can't spoil a newborn, but I shouldn't go to him every time he cries or he'll learn that I'll come when he cries and I'll get no peace. Which is it? Go to him or ignore him?

I know, it's all a learning process. If Dad tells me one more time "It's all new to you and it's all new to him and you're both learning", I might scream. He's been calling me every day to see "how it's going", meaning "have you lost your shit again or are you doing better". See, he was here the beginning of this week for 2 1/2 days, and every day I completely lost it around the same time. Cole gets really tired around 5pm, and proceeds to fight going to sleep. He sleeps just fine during the rest of the day, but at that point, he just fights and fights. Me, having had him home for all of 2 days before Dad came, didn't know how to handle that so well - still don't, but I'm learning - and would burst into tears of frustration because I couldn't FIX it and I didn't know what was WRONG but my baby boy was crying and angry and I was FAILING and didn't he underSTAND that? My poor dad - he doesn't handle hysterics or emotions well to start with, and he's had 33 years to look back through those rose colored glasses and see how "easy" it is to just let him cry, to know what's wrong. I don't think he really remembers what it was like when I was a newborn, or else mom dealt with it all.

So that's what's been going on. Me, fighting PPD and trying to get sleep. Aaron, taking over the care of Cole as soon as he walks in at night because I just can't deal on my own anymore. Dad driving me batty, as usual. And Cole learning what it's like in this world and how to express himself in a way that gets what he wants across.

Picture post!

2011-04-07T10:48:00.000-06:00

I have a whole slew of pictures of Colson already - yay for cell phones! Here are a few, so you can see what he looks like, and tell me if you think he resembles his father (the nurses and doctors do, Aaron says it's just the hair).

Birth story!

2011-04-05T22:23:00.000-06:00

Colson Xavier joined our world via C-section at 10:22 pm, April 4, 2011. He weighed in at 7 lbs, 14 ounces and 20" long.

I was induced for the second time at 6:00 Sunday evening. They started me on the Cytotek, and all was going well, until about 3am. At that point I hadn't really progressed a whole lot - I think I was at 4cm, up from 3, but effacing at a good pace. Colson, however, was not terribly pleased with the Cytotek this time around, so they started me on the Pit. This apparently did much good, because at 8am Monday morning my doc was able to break my water. I was expecting lots of pain, as I had been told by friends, but there was NONE - just lots of fluid going everywhere. Colson had managed to poop in his water so THAT was fun - EW!

I proceeded to labor along nicely, making small bits of progress. Around noon, I asked them if I could go in the Jacuzzi, as I was about ready for my epidural but SO wanted to get in the water first. This request earned me THE most painful part of labor and delivery, even now. The source of that pain? Internal monitors. They put internal monitors in so I could go be in the water, since the other monitors can't go there, and the process of those + contractions = me gripping Aaron's hands and sobbing, while trying to relax. Bet you can guess how THAT went...

Anyhow, into the Jacuzzi for a little over an hour or so, with my fabulous husband sitting on the edge behind me and sponging my back, stroking my hair, etc. My doc showed up around 1:00 to talk to me, check on me, give me a layout of the day. When I got back to the room I had them give me the epidural - it had, at that point, been 5 hours since they'd broken my water and I was getting tired. I needed to sleep, but couldn't with the contractions like they were and they were just plain old really starting to hurt. Enough to curl my toes! They brought the lady in, I explained my spine to her, and she seemed relatively confident that she could do it. Aaron said "It's extremely discomforting having someone poking needles in to my wife's spine." Especially when aforementioned wife is gripping your hands, head down, eyes closed, and flinching or saying "ow - pain here, pain there".

Once the epi was in, I slept for about 3 hours. I couldn't feel a thing from about mid-abdomen down, and trying to move was laughable. I felt like a marionette with the strings cut! We did another cervix check around 6, and I was dilated to a 6 and fully effaced. We did another at 9...and there was no change. Colson, however, was starting to have heart issues. He was dipping too low with the contractions, which indicated cord compression. They made the call do a C-section at 9:30, after consulting with my doc. He showed up around 9:45 or so, they got me prepped, wheeled me in. Aaron showed up a few minutes later, once they were ready. And voila - baby at 10:22. They cleaned him up and gave him to Aaron, who took him to recovery room. I had Aaron warn them that I was going to puke soon, and not 5 minutes later I did exactly that. Felt much better afterwards!!

I was in the OR until a little after 11 but still couldn't hold him because I was shaking violently as a result of trauma. adrenaline, pain and adrenaline. I watched as my husband fed our son a bottle of formula, because his blood sugar was low and we needed to get it up quickly. Didn't happen - or rather, it did but it didn't stay up. Even after a second bottle feeding he was still low. When he was burping Cole, it came out his nose. I told the nurses then to look for a tiny cleft in the soft palate, as every boy born to the females in my mom's line have it. In between them, aaron got to change the first diaper - Meconium ahoy! I forgot to tell him about using the dirty diaper to get stuff off - went through about 6 wipes trying to clean our son! At 2:30 they ended up taking Colson to the NICU for an IV feed and observation.

He's been there all day - and lo and behold, they finally found the hole I kept telling them had to be there. The doctor person up there came down to talk to us around 10am. Apparently I will not be able to breastfeed him, but I CAN still pump and feed it to him. They are working on finding the right nipple for him so that he can eat. We will apparently be able to get this fixed when he's a year old, which is fine as long as he is able to eat in the meantime! We are still waiting on the results of the hereditary blood disorder blood work, to see if he has it or not. The tests have to be sent all they way to the Mayo Clinic in order to be diagnosed! Hopefully we will know very soon.

I should be getting released on Thursday, but I don't know when Colson will be. They say it depends on how well he eats, if we can find the nipple, if his sugars stabilize, etc. If he's not ready when they kick me out, I get to be in a "transition" room in the NICU itself. That would allow me to be able to feed and care for him without the separation of being at home and hospital. I will update as I know more about what's happening.

In the meanwhile, I apologize if this is rambly or doesn't make sense. I'm on Percocet and keep falling asleep while typing - hard to see what you're typing when your eyes are closed and you're out of it. Once I get the pictures hosted somewhere I will post them for your smiling pleasure!

We have a PLAN!

2011-04-02T18:59:00.000-06:00

An honest to god plan that involves coming home with this child on the outside!

Tomorrow evening, 6:00 PM, I am to report to L&D for induction. They are going to start me on the Cytotek and see what happens. If I progress by morning, they will move me on to the Pit to try and keep it going. If I stall out on the Pit, they will do a C-section. If I don't progress by morning, they will go straight to a C-section. Doc promised me that I would not leave the hospital without a live baby in my arms. It was all I could do not to laugh at him - one should never promise that anyone will have a live baby!

I've been talking about that a lot with Jess of late. I'm absolutely paranoid, because they're taking so long to get this child born, that he's going to die before I get to see him. Last night was the worst - I was so upset after the doctor not giving me a plan, and depressed because I didn't know how much longer I had to go, and paranoid that Colson is going to die in utero or be stillborn, that I was on the verge of doing rash things around the house. Like...pack up the whole damn nursery because who in the hell cares if I have it when he's going to be dead anyways and I'd rather not deal with it when I get back from the hospital. Yeah, rash. I knew I was being overly paranoid, though, so I just sat and cried instead. And talked to Aaron. And Jess, who thankfully understood what I was trying to convey. I'd be so lost without her right now!

So for now, the plan for tomorrow consists of resting and eating as much as possible - doc says "I want you well rested and fed when you get here!" - and then taking the dog back out to my in-laws for them to watch her. Hopefully my MIL won't show up at the hospital until sometime on Monday - last time she was there ALL DAY on Sunday and Monday until we left to go home. I can't handle it. Even when she's just sitting and reading, having someone besides Aaron in the room for a long time like that is draining on me. My dad is planning on coming up Monday when he gets off work and staying until Wednesday - is it bad that I'm hoping I have to have a C because it means they'll keep me in the hospital longer? *bad daughter* I will update with the birth story once I have it and can see straight again. For those who read who have me as a friend on FB, you'll see the basic update there first, as Aaron has access to that. Might have him post here too, if he's not also exhausted.

Thank you for all the prayers and well-wishes that you've sent so far. I think it's one of the few things that has kept me "sane" over the past month.

FML

2011-04-01T16:30:00.000-06:00

Just got back from seeing my doc for what SHOULD have been a well-baby visit, but was obviously changed to an OB visit. I have made ZERO progress since Monday when I was released - still at a 3, still 75% effaced, still at a -2 station. I have managed to gain 4# in the last week - I haven't gained weight that fast this entire pregnancy! I'm retaining fluid like a dam, my BP is up, and I've been semi-throwing up in my sleep. All of this reeks of eclampsia to me, but baby is happy so they aren't worried.

As for a plan? At this moment we still don't have one. Doc is going to call the hospitalists, see what they want to do. Do they want to try another induction? If they do, and it fails, are they going to be willing to do a C-section? I refuse to be sent home again only to come back in another week to try again. I'm already a week over, and he told me he didn't want me to get this far...and yet, here I am. Do they want to skip the induction (which, IMO, isn't going to work anyways) and go straight to a C-section? Doc doesn't want to do that necessarily, but he also doesn't see any point in putting me through the induction torture if they don't think it's going to work.

I am...furious. Mostly because I'm frustrated and helpless. I feel like everyone is sitting around twiddling their dicks while my child stays inside with no intentions of coming out. I know the stillbirth rates - and the longer he stays in there, the higher they get. If he dies while they sit around trying to figure out what they're going to do instead of just DOING something, I am seriously going to sue the ass off of several people. That includes my wonderful doctor that I love so much but am very frustrated with right now. IMO, he should be making the decision, not talking with the hospitalists to decide what to do. HE is my doctor, THEY are not. Yes, they are at the hospital and yes, they will assist as needed but they should not be the ones making the decisions about my care. For now I wait...even more. Doc says I will hear from him in the next 24 hours. I'm not holding my breath.

BPP

2011-03-30T11:46:00.000-06:00

When I left on Monday, the doc said "I will talk to you on Wednesday if not before". I assumed that meant "Unless you go into labor by Wednesday, we will come up with another option and I will call you to discuss it." Instead, I got a call to go in yesterday afternoon for an ultrasound and BPP. I got the call back this morning on the results: 8/8

We appear to have a perfectly happy child who does not want to come out of his perfectly comfortable womb. We also have a mommy that does not feel that she can mentally (or physically) take much more waiting. My brain feels like it's splitting apart, I've been crying all morning (it's only been about 3 hours since I got the call...), and I'm in so much pain I'd dearly love to take some pain meds...which isn't something I do lightly, ever.

I asked Trish (my doc's nurse) if he was thinking about doing a second induction, or was he thinking C-section, what was going on? She said "he said he'll talk to you about those on Friday when you come in". So here I was, thinking I'd have a plan today, and I'm being put off for another 2 days. I'm getting less mentally stable by the day and my body appears to want to keep up with my mind, which does not bode well. Either that, or it hasn't forgiven me for laying on the stupid uncomfortable hospital bed on my back for a day and a half.... *shrug*

I know the doc is putting what's best for me MEDICALLY over what he seems to think I want. What I *want* is to have this child BEFORE I start resenting him for what he's putting me through at this stage. What I *want* is to not wake up in the middle of the night with acidic puke coming up my throat - it's happened two nights in a row now. What I *want* is to be able to move without feeling like I'm going to fall down because my nerves won't work properly. I don't CARE how these things happen, as long as it involves Colson being alive. I feel like I have to continuously make that disclaimer, because every time I think "I don't care, just get him OUT, I'm done being pregnant and I'm done with the pain" my next thought is "you know karma is going to come and kill your child for that...." which I KNOW doesn't make any logical sense, but I never said I was logical. If I were logical, that sentence wouldn't have been so long, but I'm rambling because I feel like I'm screaming into a void.

My wonderful husband is trying his best to understand, he's sorry I'm miserable, but really all he cares is that our son is happy and healthy. As if I don't? My doctor is trying to do what's medically best, but it's my mental state that is at issue and I don't think he's hearing me. My friends keep giving me inane assvice (go have lots of sex! drive over bumpy roads! eat spicy foods! drink castor oil!) and trying to comfort me with "he'll come out eventually, when he's ready". Fantastic, people - it took him 6 years to ARRIVE in this uterus, I don't think he's in any hurry to leave. Then there's "well, the doc won't let you go too long" - you mean, the same doc who has repeatedly said he didn't want me to go to 41 weeks, and yet isn't meeting with me to discuss options until Friday and Sunday marks 41 weeks? That doctor? I adore him, but....as long as Colson is happy and healthy and the placenta is doing it's job, he's not going to take this child out. I can almost guarantee it. And I swear, if one more person tells me "you wanted this" when I say something about pain or being unhappy or wanting the child out or not wanting to be pregnant anymore, I am going to snap. Just snap.

Induction...fail

2011-03-28T22:41:00.000-06:00

You read that right - my induction failed. I am back home, after spending almost 36 hours in the hospital. Here's how it all went:

Sunday morning, we arrived at the hospital at 7am. They finally checked me in and had me all hooked up by 8:30, and they started me on Cytotek to ripen my cervix. I went from 1.5 to 3cm dilated. I also had contractions that were less than 2 minutes apart, and they were unable to give me more Cytotek, even though they wanted to. So...fortunate or not, depending on your point of view.

At about 5pm, they started me on the Pit.o.cin drip, to be turned up every 30 minutes. I was still at 3cm, 75% effacement, and they couldn't break my water because they couldn't reach it. At 10:30 they had the drip up to a 10, which is halfway, but I still hadn't budged. My wonderful, cooperative cervix was still at 3cm. They called my doc, who told them to turn it off and let me sleep for the night. He thought maybe the receptors were overloaded and just weren't responding at all, and that being off it and sleeping for the night would help. When he had last checked me, however, I at least had SHOW going on.

Monday morning, at 5am, the nurse came back in to start the drip again, and this time they were going to be "aggressive" with it. Instead of turning it up only one notch every 30 minutes, they were going to turn it up two notches. Well...that sort of had the intended effect, if the effect was simply to make my contractions stronger. It did that, although I never took any pain meds because it was still in the "I can handle this" stage. My cervix, however, had an entirely different idea when it came to the Pit - and that idea would be "Pit? What Pit? I don't see no stinking Pit! Also, no one gets in and no one goes out, I don't care what you say." You guessed it - no change, even after another 7 hours on the drip. The hospitalist checked me at 11:00am and hinted strongly that I was going to be going home, without baby on the outside. After she left the room I burst into tears, telling Aaron that I didn't WANT to go home only to have to come back and do it again, and I was worried about so many things...of course, the lack of food for about 38 hours (at that point) with little sleep and constant pain probably contributed.

My doc arrived around 1pm to confirm - he was going to have to send me home. At this point I was on the max dose of Pit and had been for about 3 hours, and I was STILL at 3cm and 75%. My uterus is simply being non-cooperative and my child is joining in the protest. They just aren't ready. There isn't anything else they CAN do, other than a C-section, which...well, they don't do them as often as they used to and for good reason. It's major surgery, with it's own inherent risks. Women were apparently opting to go straight to a C-section instead of going through labor at all...and not for medical reasons. So nationwide, doctors are cutting down on performing them. Makes sense to me. Baby is fine, I'm fine (if very cranky and disappointed), body is fine (although not by the time *I* get done with it...mutter...mutter) and there's no REASON for the C-section. So...home.

I felt bad for my poor doc - he obviously didn't want to tell me I was going to have to go home, and was convinced I was going to go blog about what a horrible, mean doctor he was. Yes...horrible and mean for putting what's best for me above what I want. God forbid we all have doctors so mean, eh? I kept telling him it's not his fault, it's my body. This isn't the first time it's done the exact opposite of what we've asked it to. It took me 6 years to get pregnant - what makes us think it would be easy to get the child OUT? :)

By the time they made sure the Pit was out of my system and had me released, it had been about 41 hours since I'd eaten anything other than a few Jell-o snacks and apple juice. We got food on the way home, took a shower, and I crashed for about an hour (after updating everyone repeatedly on FB....). I feel a bit more human, but will be heading to bed shortly. Hopefully my body will launch itself into labor now that we got things going a little...but I really shouldn't say that, because then it won't!

It's a date!

2011-03-25T12:17:00.001-06:00

I had a dream last night that when I went into the doc this morning he stripped my membranes, and then ended up doing an induction on Sunday anyways. When I told him about that, he said "we can probably make that happen". I love my doc. I will never get tired of saying that.

Sure enough, he stripped my membranes - OW! I thought cervical checks were bad - they're worse when the doc is wiggling his fingers around like he's cleaning out cobwebs. He checked a few things, and I have a Bishop's Score of 8 (although he says some would give me 7, but that's still enough) which means I'm safe to induce. Sunday he is going to induce me, assuming I didn't decide to go into labor before that. He'd have done it for tomorrow, but it's his anniversary and his wife will kill him. I almost offered to make her cookies if she'd let him. :) This kid is coming out on his due date whether he wants to or not! Well, we're going to try anyways - I know it can take a while and there's the possibility that he won't show up until Monday.

I am both really excited and really nervous. Excited because we have finally reached the end. We have a plan in place, a firm(ish) date, and the child is coming out. Less pain in the ligaments for me, moving on to a different kind of pain, but still excited. Nervous because we're moving on to the next phase, a place that has felt like we'd never get to at the rate we were going. We're going to be PARENTS. I don't know if we're ready for that, but it's what's going to happen. Now to hope we manage to raise a decent child!

I'm also nervous about the induction itself. I know it's really not that scary - I watched Wilma go through hers - but still...it's not something I've done before and I know they can take a while. I'm worried that they won't be able to give me the epi, but that if they manage to do so, I will stop progressing. I'm scared of having my water broken because I hear the contractions get much more painful after that. If I stop progressing, then there's a C-section involved and THAT scares me because...just because. Wilma damn near died during hers, and my mom has had anesthesia reactions a couple times. I haven't, but mom didn't usually either! Aaron is already afraid I'll die during childbirth...

My dad is going to take Monday off to come up here, stay that night and Tuesday night, and head back on Wednesday. I hope I can tolerate him that long. I was hoping he'd wait a week before he came up - I kinda wanted our first week to be just me, Aaron, and Smallfry. Give us a chance to bond. I don't want to have to worry about feeding dad, or keeping him entertained. All I want to do is feed my child, sleep, bond, hang out. Here's hoping it's not too stressful!

Complicated, updated!

2011-03-22T15:01:00.000-06:00

The stupid doc is the one on call while my doc is away, apparently. After not hearing from them for 2 hours, I finally called back and was told to go in to L & D. Aaron came home to get me - while I normally go to the NSTs by myself, when it's a case where we are worried, he prefers to go with and I prefer to have him there just in case.

We got there around noon and got hooked up. All was well, except I still had no contractions. The nurse insisted that having my contractions disappear was perfectly fine, since I wasn't in labor. I feel that's wrong - and the hospitalist later agreed that things don't normally go backwards. Me being me, however...

I am now 75% effaced, up from 50%, but am only dilated to not even 1.5, which is down from 2 (and even down from the 1.5 I was when my doc first checked me 3 weeks ago). Go me for having backwards progress? It's like my cervix is playing peek-a-boo, just taunting me. The hospitalist said he wishes he had a crystal ball for me, but it doesn't work that way. :) And apparently MY doc has been checking on me with the hospitalist via e-mail while he's on vacation...and y'all wonder why I love him to pieces. While he's on vacation! With his family! He checked on me to see if I'd delivered yet!

At any rate, I'm to keep an eye on things. If the kick counts drop, if I get any of the usual labor signs, I'm supposed to come in.

Why is this always complicated?

2011-03-22T07:08:00.000-06:00

Why is pregnancy so freaking complicated?

All those contractions I've been having for the past 3 weeks? They've disappeared. Gone. Kaput. I still get an occasional one, but NOTHING like what I'd been having. Smallfry is still moving around and causing me discomfort, so I'm *assuming* he's still ok...although we all know what assuming can get you. I can't decide if I should worry or not. I start to worry, then he moves, and I'm all "well, I guess I shouldn't worry if he's still getting jiggy in there" but then I think - what if he stopped growing? what if there's not enough fluid and he can't get comfy? What if...5 million other things? He's not AS active as he has been, but that's just because he's running out of room...right? It doesn't mean anything else?

So here I am, complaining about the contractions and then worrying when they stop. I haven't had any NSTs since my doc left last week. We figured I'd been doing really well at them, nothing to worry about at all, and with him gone they would be sent to the hated doc in the office so there really wasn't any point. Now I'm beginning to wish I could just go in for one...just to check things out. I keep reassuring myself that he'll be back in town on Thursday and my appt is on Friday and we can talk then and it will all be ok. I mean, I WAS very adamant that I didn't want to have this child without him, right? Right.

And on THAT score, Aaron and I have decided that when I go in on Friday I am going to talk to him about the possibility of inducing me. Just...to have an idea, a plan in place. Sunday marks my full 40 and this kid is showing zero signs of wanting to come out. I know they need to "cook", but I don't want him to get overly big. I haven't had an u/s since 20 weeks (which? sucks) so we have no guesses as to weight or length or anything. I don't even know where to begin on how to guess!

Awareness

2011-03-19T19:06:00.001-06:00

I am tired. I'm frustrated and irrationally angry with people, and I am just plain tired. I never knew that contractions could last for a month or more - real contractions, not BH. No one told me, and I never thought to research it. I guess I thought that if it was important to know, I'd have been told or stumbled across it in my regular research and emails. Maintaining this level of awareness is exhausting. I think at this point, even when I do go into active labor, I'm going to end up dismissing it. Why? Because this has been going for...3 weeks at this point, I believe. At least 2, but I think 3. Every time they start up, I think "Is it time? Are these the ones? Are we going to settle into a pattern?" but no. Every time I leak a little fluid I wonder "Is that my water? CM? Urine? Is it time?" but no. I swear if I actually go in to labor I'm going to dismiss it as another trick, another "my body hates me and just wants to fuck with me" night. I won't even realize it, since I don't even bother timing them at this point. I mean, I went into L&D last week with contractions 4 minutes apart and they sent me home because "they weren't strong enough". The next night they were strong enough, I think, but there was no pattern to them. I can't get in sync...not that THAT is anything new.

I realized while talking to Aaron that I guess I do have some expectations for this birth. I didn't think I did - I haven't filed a birth plan, although I have contemplated it. Even if I do, it's pretty basic: I want low lights (if they turn on the bright lights in the room I might kill them), music, my crocheting (not that I'll be able to focus, but hey it's worth a shot), my husband and personnel ONLY during active labor/delivery. That's it. I don't know enough about births and having babies to have any idea what I really want. But the one thing I've discovered that I really want is to be able to go into labor by myself. For once I would like my body to cooperate with me instead of having to be forced into doing something it should do on it's own. I know, I haven't even reached 40 weeks yet, I'm not even due, I'm not over, quit whining. As long as he comes out alive, I'm good. I admit to being disappointed at the prospect of having to be induced, though. I just don't know how much of this high-level awareness I can take. My doc comes back into town and I have an appt with him on Friday, so I'll talk to him then and see what he thinks. That will be 2 days before a full 40 weeks.

As for being irrationally angry...yeah, I was going to post about this yesterday but I decided staying away from my computer was probably the better idea. Last Sunday I snapped at my Uncle on FB because he has been irritating the hell out of me by counting down to St. Patrick's Day, when I would presumably have Colson. Why? Because

"according to one of the writings in Grandpa Chamberlain's diary one of his great great great grandchildren is to be born on St. Patrick's Day because his great great great grandmother was from Ireland and was born on St. Patrick's Day. Past down was the story of her prayer that a descendant be born on her birthday until Grandpa Chamberlain wrote it down."

Verbatim, from an Email he sent me. And Sunday I finally snapped when he said "just 4 more days". I responded with "I don't freaking want to do this for 4 more days. I don't want to have done it for the last 4 days either. I'm tired, I'm miserable, I'm bitchy, I'm in pain. I know it's going to get worse when "actual" labor hits, but at least then I know the end is in sight. At this point I'm told this could go for several MORE weeks."

Monday involved me snapping at my best friend, and the rest of Facebook, for telling me to "relax and stop stressing, you're hurting the baby" in response to me being upset because I wasn't going to be able to meet with my doc before he left town (which I did end up doing, they got me in that afternoon). My long-ass response to that was

"It's not the appointment being missed that I'm upset about. It's the final reassurance from my doctor. I know you've been there done that twice already and know how everything will turn out, but I haven't. I'm well within my rights to be stressed and panicked at having a stranger having to deal with me and my issues. I have no idea what is really going on with my body, other than "you're in early labor" but no one will tell me what to expect even remotely. Every day, every few hours, is something different. I have a few miserable hours of damn near back to back contractions, real ones according to the nurses, and then it stops...only to start again in a few hours. I don't know when to take it seriously and when it's just annoying and painful. Yes, I'm aware of the "hey stupid, you need to go to the hospital now" signs...but in all honesty, I don't expect them to actually show up. Why? Because this is my screwed up body we are talking about here. It never does what it should, and if you try to anticipate what it *will* do, it comes up with something completely new. I have a lot of worries going on in my head. Most of them I'm not stressing on, they are just concerns. Shappard is the one I trust to understand them and I trust his assurances. The idea of facing the coming uncertainty without him is stressful. I am coming to grips with the fact that he will very likely not deliver Colson, but I was counting on this appt for some reassurances. Forgive me if I sound harsh. I'm very tired if being told not to worry and everything is fine, when I know full well that there is still so much that can happen."

I'm honestly surprised that it's taken me this long to lose my temper at everyone. We ALL know that I have one, that I'm not that great at suppressing it, and that I've been off my anti-crazy meds since the beginning of the month. I try to remember that people don't remember how stressful their own pregnancies were, that they are looking back through the rose-colored glasses of time and drugs. It doesn't help all that much, though.

The past two days have been...well, I haven't been on my FB much because I can't trust myself to be nice. I made Aaron write my status yesterday, reminding people that I promise to post when I go into labor and that whoever wants one will get the text even in the middle of the night. I didn't ask him to put that last part, but he did, and now I have a list of about 30 people who want to be freaking notified. Apparently FB reading isn't good enough for them! I had him write it because 3 times yesterday I had people ask me "So have you gone into labor yet? Has the baby been born? Is there an update?" and each time I tried to respond it looked like "Did you see a fucking update? Did you see me say I'd gone into labor? Do you see a fucking pic of my son? No? Then guess what - I'm still fucking pregnant, stop fucking asking me". Yes, all those fucks really were in there...only I didn't post it, because it's not nice, and it's not their fault that they're excited. I just want to be left alone. It's like they think I'm going to give birth in secret and not tell anyone - because, you know, I've been just SO QUIET about being pregnant since two days after I found out, right? And even AFTER Aaron posted that for me, and people were like "add me! add me!" one of the people who asked to be added STILL posts "checking FB for baby updates!" and I know I'm the only one she knows that is pregnant right now. They don't trust me and it's pissing me off. A friend said I should post "the next person to ask me if there is an update or if I've gone into labor isn't going to get told until the child is 2 years old". At this moment, that is really rather appealing...although I wouldn't go that far, more like "next person that asks for an update isn't getting one".

So that's what's going on over here. A lot of tension, a lot of frustration, a lot of exhaustion, a lot of waiting, and a lot of anger at people.

*Updated* Aforementioned best friend just came by to talk to her hubby, who is over here gaming with my hubby and the rest of the boys. She came back to say hi, and I attempted to apologize for snapping on Monday. Her response? "No worries. You have no idea how much slack you're getting because we all know that you won't get to do this again. What I often want to tell you is CALM DOWN and STOP WORRYING SO MUCH!" So...it's different because I'm infertile and this was pure luck? How the FUCK does that work? And apparently I made zero impression with telling her to stop telling me to relax and stop worrying, if she's willing to come over to my house and say it to my face.

So. Angry.

2011-03-14T08:50:00.000-06:00

Today was supposed to be my last appointment with my doctor before he went on vacation for a week and a half. I got a call about 20 minutes ago because they are having some sort of issue with the xray machine in the office (I didn't even know they had one!) that is causing them to close the clinic for a few hours and they wanted to reschedule. They couldn't get me in today, so instead I get the meet the only doctor I've never even seen in the hallways tomorrow. He's the other doc that delivers babies, but since I'm refusing to have any doc in the practice deliver this kid other than my doctor, I don't really care that I get to meet him - beyond being able to say that I have met them all now.

I am so angry and scared. My doc was supposed to transfer me to the hospitalists after our appointment today. Now that we're not having that appointment and he's leaving, I don't know what's going to happen. Is he going to transfer me anyways? Is the other doctor supposed to do it? Is he half as efficient as my doctor is? What about his nurse? Are they going to understand my concerns? Are they going to blame them on being a "first time mom"? Because so help them if they do...if they think there are problems in the clinic now, I'd like to see them get blood off the walls. Now is SO not the time to be learning a new doctor.

Panicked. Yes, that's the word. I am panicking. I am trying not to, because I know it's not good for Smallfry OR my BP, but I'm still panicking. It seems like I made it this far only to have everything go sideways. Pregnancy once again trying to teach me that I have zero control over life?

An actual trial run...

2011-03-13T10:47:00.000-06:00

Thursday night I ended up having Aaron take me to the L&D at a little after midnight. I've been having contractions all evening, and they were about 7 minutes or so apart by my calculations. We both figured they were going to send me home, but I wanted to know what was going on. See, I am still not sure what is and isn't a contraction - whether it's him moving particularly violently, my cervix just being an irritable bitch, me being sensitive, or a real contraction. I'm a rather visual person, so being able to see them on the screen and associate that with what I feel helps a lot. Not to mention that Smallfry's HB speeds up whenever a contraction hits and goes back down when it's gone, which is another good clue.

We got there at about 12:15am, got them to unlock the doors so we could go in, and I staggered my way down the hall to the L&D ward. They got me all hooked up, and proceeded to ask me about a million questions. I had somehow assumed this would be like my first trip, where they hooked me up and left me mostly alone, or my NSTs, where they hook me up and completely leave me alone until they're ready to take me off. This time the nurse didn't leave the room at all - it was sorta annoying. I was feeling particularly guilty about making Aaron lose sleep, and I wanted him to sleep in the room while they were monitoring me, and he couldn't DO that with her yammering. At any rate, my contractions were 4 minutes apart...but they weren't very strong according to the machine. Considering that some of the smaller ones hurt more than the bigger ones, I don't have a clue...but apparently I have quantity and need to work on quality. :)

She did a cervical check - I am (or was then) dilated to 2 but still only about 50% effaced. There's pros and cons to having a check done by someone with smaller fingers: It didn't hurt as bad, but she couldn't reach my cervix very well and I'm convinced she was in there up to her shoulder! It also made me realize that dilation is entirely relative to the size of the hands of the person doing it. For example, my doctor has bigger hands than the nurse. He tells me that 2cm dilated is his first two fingers side by side. Monday I was "not quite 2cm" according to him - his fingers were still slightly crossed. Now, ffwd to Thursday where I have a nurse with smaller hands. If 2cm is 2 fingers side by side, then of course I would be a 2 to her and a "not quite 2" to my doc. If this truly is the case, I think I will stick with my assessment of a 10: When you can shine a flashlight up there and see the light come out of my mouth. (Yes, I actually said that to my doctor - he laughed really hard at me.)

The past few days have been...painful. Lots and lots of contractions, but no pattern. They're getting more intense most of the time, and I was almost in tears last night. Still have my plug, still no show, still haven't had my water break. The skin on my stomach is hellaciously sensitive - almost like when you have the flu and your whole skin is painful, but it's just my abdomen. I'm ok as long as I wear something that doesn't rub, and as long as no one rubs my belly. Touch carefully, fine - rub, and I might bite you. I'm getting bitchier by the day because I'm miserable. I never thought I would get to this point, be that pregnant person. I haven't done anything ELSE normally, why would I do this part?

I am due 2 weeks from today. I am resigning myself to the fact that my doctor is not going to be delivering my baby. I don't want to do this for another 2 weeks - did I mention miserable? And pain? Back, legs, abdomen all hurt. I'm tired of contracting and just want this kid OUT. No, I am not going to get my membranes stripped nor will I be induced. Doc prefers not to do either, and I know he won't induce until 39 weeks...at which point he will still be gone, so it's moot anyways. No, I am not going to follow the old wives' tales and have lots of sex and go for long walks - if an amniotic fluid check with a swab feels like someone is shoving a splinter of a 2x4 up my hooha, I don't think a penis is going to be any better. My first cervical check hurt so bad that my face turned white from pain, according to Aaron...again, I don't think a penis is going to be any better than a couple fingers. Long walks? HA! I couldn't even take long walks BEFORE I got pregnant, let alone now that I'm so much pain it's all I can do to shuffle from the back room to the bathroom and back. I'm "doomed" to wait this out - I want Smallfry to come out when he's READY, and not before, no matter how much I complain.

You call that a contraction?

2011-03-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

So Friday at my NST, I had a couple actual, honest-to-goodness contractions. Small ones, mostly, with a big one thrown in for good measure. They asked me if I felt them, and I responded with "should I?" So..no. I did not feel them. The only reason I knew something was going on was because Smallfry's heartbeart freaked the hell out - it got really fast, and fluttery, like he had arrythmia. Whatever, right? I mean, I've been having BH contractions for weeks now, nothing new.

Until yesterday. I had my NST yesterday, and there were LOTS of contractions. Small ones, again, with more big ones thrown in for good measure. Again they asked me if I was feeling them, and again I replied "should I?" My doc appears astonished that I'm not feeling them. I don't know what to tell him other than "this is me we're talking about, here...how is it that you're surprised by anything my body does or doesn't do?" They were fairly regular, or so it appeared to me on the monitor, but not big enough or close enough together for them to be concerned. I was sent home with the instructions to "time them and if they get 5 minutes apart, come back in. Or if your water breaks, of course". What I really wanted to say was "How do you expect me to time what I can't freaking feel?"

And thus I am still at that stage. I still don't know what contractions are supposed to feel like. They tell me that my abdomen will get tight - my abdomen already feels like a rock because Smallfry is so compacted in there. I am able to identify body parts at this point, something *I* haven't been able to do before beyond "it's a limb". If I go on the assumption that the stabby pains I feel in my cervical area along with the mild increases in pressure that make it feel like I have to pee are contractions, then I am feeling them and they're still going. I've been feeling those pains for a month, though, so I don't know that I CAN count them as contractions. I'm tired of people telling me "you'll just know when you go into labor" "there won't be any doubt when you are actually having contractions" and "you're a first time mom - you'll go to your due date, probably past, and you need to stop worrying". Hello? Just because I'm a first time preggo doesn't mean that I'll hold to the norm. I haven't been normal up to this point, I see no reason to start now. And no, I don't know when I'm having actual contractions - see those things on the monitor? Yeah, I don't feel them, and the only way I know I'm having one is because THE MONITOR TELLS ME SO. Oh yeah, and I don't HAVE a monitor at home.

Ugh. I am freaking out the past few days. I'm paranoid, and I know it, but I'm just trying to go with it. Trying to convince myself not to be isn't going to work, so I may as well accept it. I'm done with being pregnant, which is not a state I ever thought I would reach, but it's getting tiring. Apparently my husband is done with me being pregnant too - he says the shiny has worn off. Poor boy. At any rate, things are...progressing...more or less. I'm crossing my fingers (but not my legs) that these contractions or whatever in the hell I'm feeling hurry things along so I can have this kid over the weekend. :)

Officially Full Term

2011-03-07T05:54:00.000-07:00

There hasn't been much to update on lately, hence the total lack of updates for almost a month. I'm still going for NSTs twice a week, and everything is still fine. The most exciting thing that's happened was me having an actual contraction while hooked up last Friday - not that I felt it, but it was on the monitor and my doc confirmed it. Whee?

I've been having a LOT of what I assume are braxton-hicks, and they get downright painful at times - enough to make me cuss a blue streak. Based on that information, I have decided (all by myself!) that labor is gonna SUCK. Ain't I a genius? :) Hopefully they'll be able to give me an epidural - still have to talk to my doc about whether he thinks they'll be able to find a spot in my messed up spine or not. He'd better tell me yes - he's already in trouble. Why? Because when I first found out I was pregnant and what my due date was, he assured me that he should be in town because it was near his anniversary. As it turns out, he is leaving the 15th and won't be back until the 24th...and I'm due the 27th, assuming I go to date. That appears to be questionable on the part of the general public - I keep getting told I'm "ready to pop" and "scary pregnant" and "there's no way you're going to go all 40 weeks, there's just no more room for him to grow". I don't know WHAT they're talking about..

That was taken last night, when we realized I have officially reached full term status - 37 weeks. Who thought I'd ever make it this far? I most certainly did not. Of course, there are a lot of things I was certain would happen if I ever got pregnant and not a one of them HAS *knock on wood* and I've experienced a lot of things I was unprepared for. Back to my doc: He's hoping I don't go into labor while he's gone because he does NOT want to miss this. He knows how hard we've worked and has been tremendously supportive and understanding this entire pregnancy - I don't think I could have a better doc! I've informed him that if he can't be there, I'd far rather have the hospitalist than either of his partners - one I dislike (she's a "purist", very "by the book", and that simply does not work with my medical crap) and the other I don't think I've ever even seen in the hall, let alone met and been treated for anything. How sad that I'd rather have a person with whom I have zero relationship than the partners at my doctor's office? Like I told him, though, at least I *know* she knows what's she's doing, since she works in L & D and does this all the time. He agrees.

Of course, working in L & D doesn't always mean they know everything. A few weeks ago one of the nurses and I were talking while she was setting me up for my NST, and I got the usual "is this your first?" question. To which I replied "Yes, and my last." She wondered at that, so I told her it took us 6 years to get pregnant with this one and I have no intention of having another at 39. She proceeded to tell me that she has some infertility problems but is very careful not to get pregnant (which? just made my head explode), so she understands - but that lots of people who have trouble getting pregnant are able to get pregnant easily after the first one, and that when you stop trying it just happens. That's right - I got the "when you just relax it happens" speech from a L & D nurse at 8 1/2 months pregnant. I managed not to say anything, but I really wanted to. I didn't point out that if we have to do a C-section I'm having my tubes tied, and if we don't that Aaron is going in and getting snipped as soon as we can afford it. It feels very strange to plan for those things after trying for so long, but...one is all we can handle, I think.

My shower was on the 20th, and all the pics are up here if you want to look at them. I'm still taking pics of the things we've received, like all the blankets and the gear we've received as hand-me-downs from friends. I haven't been sleeping well lately, so I'm having an even harder time focusing on anything or remembering what I need to do. And speaking of sleep - I've been awake again for a few hours, it's 6am, and I'm going to try and go back to sleep. Maybe the couch will hurt less today....

Drop it already!

2011-02-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

Sooo....I looked down today and noticed that I appear to have more room between breasts and abdomen now. I don't think it looked like that a few days ago - I've been carrying up under my ribs pretty much the whole time. Enough so that a nurse friend of Aaron's was astonished at how high I'm carrying. At any rate, I've actually had a HARDER time breathing the past few days - and if he's dropped, it should be easier. We all know I'm backwards, so that doesn't surprise me in the least. I feel asthmatic, or like I've been trying to tie my shoes all day (which just doesn't happen these days - yay for slipons!)

I am going to post 2 belly shots - the first one was taken at 31w2d, and the second one tonight (I'll be 34 weeks tomorrow). Tell me - does it look like he's dropped? (please don't mind the clothes, or the stretch marks!)

For those of you with experience - how long do you think (if he's dropped) I have before he makes his arrival? I'm betting 3 weeks....

Seriously?

2011-02-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

I got my Babycenter email today (it came yesterday I just didn't check it) for my "hey, you're 33 weeks, here's what's going on". It also contained a link that said "What pregnant women worry about". Given yesterday's post about my paranoia, I checked it out to see if I was even remotely normal. After reading the article, all I can say is "seriously? THIS? THIS is what normal pregnant women worry about? Good Lord Almighty what I wouldn't give to be normal apparently."

In case you don't want to read the article, it's things like "can I handle the labor pain? Am I going to be a good parent? Can we afford this financially?" Don't get me wrong, I worry about that stuff too...but they don't keep me up at night. What keeps me awake is all the stuff I learned from the blogosphere all these years!

A Sample of My Thoughts

2011-02-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

I am seriously paranoid these days. Like, enough so that I didn't get much sleep because my brain kept me away with paranoid thoughts and I couldn't shut it off. A sample:

Last night, before bed:
"I wonder what defines 'pelvic pressure'. Everything says 'beware of pelvic pressure, it could signal pre-term labor or birth soon, depending on how far along you are'. I feel...full. Like when you have to pee REALLY bad and have waited almost too long, or you eat too much. That kind of full. Does that define pelvic pressure? Or is it a different feeling? Smallfry IS head down, and the web says that with him like that it could cause pelvic pressure and backache. But my back always hurts, between my spine being effed up and the sciatic nerve flaring up. So that really isn't a good indicator...but the pelvic pressure I should watch out for. And pre-e could show up at any time, and it's another indicator of that, but I don't know what to look for! I should call Trish... (my doc's nurse)"

Early morning (5:30am) gave us this:
"I should call Trish. I mean, I'm leaking fluid and I don't know if it's amniotic or not. It's colorless and odorless, like the web says. It's not CM, because I have some creamy CM and we all know you can't have watery and creamy at the same time. And there was that *pop* that I felt/heard earlier tonight and now I have MORE fluid than I did before and what if the sac got a tear in it and I'm leaking fluid and Smallfry doesn't have enough, and I don't know what that does but I know it's really bad and he hasn't been moving as much lately and what if he dies and I don't know about it. Ok, so he's moving a little, but what if I'm imagining it because I'm so used to it?"

This morning brought:
"You know, Smallfry hasn't moved much during the night or this morning. I hope he's ok. I'll have some sugar, that usually wakes him up. *insert eating cookies here* He's still not moving, I'll give him time. *10 minutes* Well, he's moving a little but nothing like usual. I should call Trish. No, no, they'll think I'm paranoid. Wait, I AM paranoid. This isn't going to go well.... Also, shouldn't SOMEONE have checked my cervix my now to see if I'm dilated or effaced or anything? I mean, I AM 33 weeks, when do they start this? I should call Trish and ask...."

And this afternoon:
"I wonder if they'll induce to save my sanity. I'm not sure I can take 7 more weeks of my brain. I know we're weaning me off my meds, which means this isn't going to get any better, and I still have a step to go before I'm off, and I don't want to be induced before the beginning of March anyways since that will put me at 36 weeks. I still wonder if they'd do it. But won't I feel like a wuss? 'Gee, sorry, I need to be induced because my BRAIN can't freaking HANDLE me being pregnant anymore, even though my body is...doing ok, for certain values of ok.' I mean, seriously. There's no physical issues other than the pain, no complications that I know of. I mean, yes, I'm worried he could die on me and I'd have no idea until it was too late. But that's just because I'm paranoid...right? Yes, going crazy, don't mind if I do - wanna come? Maybe I'd do better with him on the outside. I'm not READY for him to be on the outside, but at least then I stop worrying about my body killing him and start worrying about other things. I should call Trish and ask."

So far I haven't called Trish. :) I have an NST tomorrow, which I'm sure will show me that he's just fine like it always does. I'm having them twice a week now, I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, although I meant to. I have a doc appt in a week and if I can hang on to my sanity until then, I'll try and remember to talk to him about the paranoia. Unless, of course, it gets worse, or something happens, or..... *sigh* here we go again...

NST's oh my!

2011-01-31T18:48:00.000-07:00

Everything is good. I'm measuring 32 weeks exactly, just as I should be. I've gained a total of 12# (17# if you include the 5 I originally lost, which my doc is). My glucose test, which I passed, was not as good as he'd like and so he is classifying me as "borderline"...nothing unusual THERE, I've been borderline EVERYTHING for years, I swear. He's not comfortable putting me as full GD, and even if I was there isn't much they'd do differently from what I'm doing now...so as long as I'm not having any issues (which I'm pretty sensitive to any sugar changes, or struggling to keep them steady), he's not going to list me as GD. HOWEVER:

I start NST's twice a week as of tomorrow morning. I know several of you have had/are having them routinely, so they're nothing MAJOR to worry about. I know he's being cautious, just because he knows me and knows that my body prefers to be as contrary as possible. The pregnancy, for example - none of us expected it to go this well *knock on wood*. We expected lots of pain, GD, bedrest by 5 months, pre-e, the works. And? Yeah, you've been reading so you know how it's been. So NST's just to be on the safe side and keep an eye on us. The hospital is only 5 minutes from the house, which is only one of the reasons we chose to have the baby there. (I want to be in labor as little as possible - it, and the pain, scares the bejeebus out of me.) Doc tells me that it's pretty similar to last weeks "trial run" - I go in, they hook me up to the heartbeat and contraction monitors, and I lay there for anywhere from 20 mins to an hour. Sound about right?

Today was also a good day for baby stuff - my MIL's best friends daughter brought us over two huge bags and a couple boxes of baby boy clothes (she has two, and a little girl, and isn't having any more), as well as a bouncy chair and a swing! We sorted through the clothes, kept most of them (except greens and oranges - Aaron has red hair and was carrot orange as a baby, so I don't want to run into color clashes!), and started doing baby laundry with Dreft today. Next step is to find one of my dolls, dress it up, wrap it up in one of the blankets, and let Inara get used to it and the new smell.

Speaking of Inara, we may have figured out what she's doing with the bedding! We have our bed that we sleep in, and the smaller one that I nap in, and she has HER bed (plus the couch, chair, and smaller bed) that she sleeps in...but where will the baby sleep? There's no surface available! We think she's trying to "share" her bed. :) Once we get a mattress for the crib, I'll put the doll in there and see if her behavior stops.

The dog has me panicking

2011-01-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

Yes, you read that right. My dog's behavior has me panicking. About what, you might ask? That I'm going to go into labor soon. No, I don't think I'm crazy, but I might be!

See, I've been in nesting mode for a few weeks now - perfectly normal, I'm assured. Then there was Monday's L&D trial run, right? Well, Tuesday morning when we woke up, Inara had dragged her bed out of her crate - something she has never done in the past 2 years that we've had her. She did it again Wednesday and Thursday nights....and this morning it was in place, but she slept with me on the couch. Aaron and I went into the bedroom for about an hour and when we came out, she had pulled her bed out again.

Knowing she was trying to tell us something but not sure what, we washed all her bedding. Maybe it stunk? Maybe it had fleas? Who knows? So we washed and dried it, something we've done a few times. I put it down on the floor while I folded the blanket that goes under it, and she immediately bit it and dragged it closer to her. I put the little bed in the crate, she dragged it out. I put the big bed (usually in the computer room, but we moved the computers to the back today) into her crate and told her to go to bed...and she walked in, and dug up the corner, flipping it over. I called her back out, straightened it, had her go back in, and this time she laid down. I put the small bed in front of her crate (so maybe the kitten will sleep on it instead of in the crate!) and she started biting it again.

I'm just a stupid human, I know. I KNOW she's trying to tell me something, I just can't figure out what. She's showing signs of nesting - messing with her bed, wanting to go out and pee more often, pacing around. But she's not the pregnant one - I am. She knew a week before we found out that we were pregnant - her behavior around me changed, she was underfoot all the time. So now I'm wondering: If she's nesting, is she trying to tell me I'm going to go into labor in the next few weeks? Everything I've read about pregnant dogs says "a few days to weeks" that they start their own nesting...and it's been several days, so a few weeks? My shower is in 3 weeks - I CAN'T go into labor before that. I really really don't want to go into labor before the beginning of March, when I'll at least be full term. Does anyone out there have any ideas on her behavior?

Because I love you so much....

2011-01-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

I am going to share two videos I came across today.

#1: The Old Spice Guy - he has a new video. I love the Old Spice Guy. He is one of the few black men that I find terribly attractive!

#2: Songs that Rock Stars will sing when they are old. The Eagles one cracked me up, but the last one almost had me rolling on the floor.

I hope you find them both as wonderful as I did. If I come across any more today, I promise I will update this post with them!

L&D Trial Run...I guess....

2011-01-26T11:51:00.001-07:00

I guess you could say we had an exciting Monday evening. Let me backtrack to Friday, when this started:

Friday night I was getting into bed, rolled over to get comfortable, and felt a LOT of pain in my lower left quadrant of my abdomen. It's the same place I have felt round ligament pain since I was about 10 weeks along, but it hurt a lot more. I figured I just...pulled on it too hard or something. Painful, yes, but worrisome, no. I decided to take it easy for the weekend, let it rest. I bet you can guess how that went!

Saturday morning the nesting bug hit. While Aaron was putting the Christmas bins and painting stuff in the garage, I decided to clean the panty. Not the shelves, just the tools and boxes on the floor. Why? I don't know. Because it needed to be done? I've given up asking why I clean what I do these days - none of it makes any sense anyways! At any rate, I was up and down off the floor for several hours. Down is relatively easy to do - up, not so much. Lots of strain on the muscles trying to heave this bulk around. :) By Saturday night I could barely walk. I hobbled around the house, making all the boys feel sorry for me (I think...) and not doing much of anything.

Sunday we decided to go grocery-cost comparison shopping. Thankfully two of the three stores we went to had the motorized wheelchairs, but the first one didn't and my hips (which already have issues thanks to the fibro) decided they wanted to join the pain party. They rarely let an opportunity go by! I was pretty much shuffling by the time we were done with the first store. By the time we were done with the last, I was ready to crash...so I did. We came home and I slept on the couch for a few hours, feeling only slightly more human when I woke up. When we went to bed, the pain in that same area, which had been bothering me tremendously all weekend, decided to REALLY get my attention! It started surging in waves, going across my abdomen, up my ribs, and into my back. I was in tears it hurt so much...and I began to think that maybe I hadn't just strained that ligament, maybe I tore something. Nothing I did made it stop.

Early Monday morning, like 5:30 am, I got up and called the doc. I'd been awake every 2 hours since Friday anyways (I've apparently entered THAT stage), and this was worth getting up for. Called them, left a message for my docs nurse, and went back to sleep in the spare room where I at least wouldn't keep Aaron up. Waited for most of the day for them to call me back (highly unusual) before calling and finding out that my nurse wasn't in and whoever listened to the messages apparently didn't see fit to pass the message on to the nurse filling in for her. I spoke to that nurse, gave her the full details, she talked to my wonderful doctor...who decided I should go to L&D for evaluation. Oh boy!

So...Aaron came home early to take me in. I probably, maybe, could have driven myself but I was worried that it might be something serious and wanted him there. We got checked in, they put all the monitors on me, and...nada. "Strong, healthy, active baby" was said a few times - and he was. His little heart was chugging along between 150-170 beats per minute, he had the hiccups, moving around and kicking. No contractions, nothing. They decided that I did what I originally thought - I pulled a muscle, strained that ligament a bit too much. At least nothing in their demeanor said "she's a paranoid first time preggo"!

And that, my dears, was our trial run. I hope it goes that smoothly (for the most part) when it's actually time! They didn't have any information on me, because I'd never been there before and the doc hadn't faxed over the info, so we were left waiting and wondering in the room for a while. I wasn't overly fond of the Charge Nurse, but since she isn't delivering Smallfry, I guess I don't really care. I assume (hopefully) that they'll be more...on the ball...when I show up in labor. :)

Squick Factor

2011-01-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

I had my 30 week appt yesterday, at which we discussed the delivery - what happens when, what the doc does and doesn't do, etc. One of the questions Aaron's book told me to ask was "do you give the baby to mom directly after delivery?" My docs answer: If everything is fine, he will put Smallfry...on my stomach.

Where? What? GACK! There's...blood, and amniotic fluid, and possible meconium! And you're going to put it WHERE? On my STOMACH?! *shudder* I'm usually fairly ok with bodily fluids. I understand that having a child means I'm going to have to get used to cleaning up everything you can think of, and be willing to be puked/pooped/peed on. I am not my sister, to pass out whenever one of the kids pukes or comes in bleeding. It's just...the idea of having all that, that has been swirling around for 9 months, deliberately put on my stomach...it's too much to grasp. Did I mention I have an EXTREMELY sensitive belly button? I may NEVER get all the ick out!

Aaron tells me I will be too enamored to care. I'm thinking "I have a multi-track mind. While one part of me is enamored by our son, the other part of me is going to be gibbering in the back of my brain because there is ick all over my stomach!"

So tell me, girls...what was it like for you? Did your doc put your newborn, straight out of the womb, on to your stomach? Did the ick even bother you? help!!!!

Are you ready yet? I bet you're ready, aren't you....

2011-01-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

I swear, what is WRONG with people these days? I am 30w1d, and since Thursday I have heard the following remarks:

"Are you ready for baby to be born? You look like you are."
"Oh my, you're all belly! You're going to have a big baby!"
"I bet you're ready for the baby to be born, aren't you...."

People, please! Stop wishing a preemie birth on me! This child needs to stay in for another 10 weeks. No, I am not ready for him to be out. Nothing is prepared, the nursery isn't together, the baby shower is in about a month, the house isn't childproofed, and I'm not ready. Not that I'm sure I ever WILL be ready, but in 10 weeks (give or take a few days) I will HAVE to be ready. So please, for the love of all that is holy, stop trying to convince my child that he should be born early!

And? Stop telling me that I'm going to have a big baby. Yes, I love that people are actually noticing that I'm pregnant. It makes me unbelievably happy, all things considered. My shadow and/or reflection still startles the crap out of me every time I see it! Yes, I know I've only gained 7# from my starting weight (11 over all, if you take the 5 I initially lost) and that it's pretty much all boob and belly. No, my doc doesn't think I should gain more - he's very happy with the weight gain. My chances of having a big baby? Probably not so big if you consider that those 11 pounds are baby AND fluid, and that I'll probably lose most of that upon delivery. According to websites, baby is about 3 pounds right now. He'd have to gain 6-7# in the next 10 weeks for me to consider him "big" and I just don't see that happening. I'm measuring right on track now...I was a week ahead two weeks ago, and I'm now 29 3/4. So - normal size. BACK OFF PEOPLE, before I GIVE you all this information.

*gets off soapbox* *hangs head* It's not going to get any better, is it....

Do YOU know how your reproductive system works?

2011-01-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

Because these people apparently do not, and I don't understand how they got to be in their 20's (at least!) without understanding the vital role that our bits play in our bodies. Witness the pertinent bits of this conversation:

R: I'm getting my tubes tied and I'm excited cause no more babies and i don't have to worry bout birthcontrol

C: u can still get pregnant hun i know 3 people that got their tubes tied and they got preg

Me (because I can't stand the stupid): And those 3 people were exceptions, not the rule. If it's done properly, and the docs check to make sure the tubes don't go back together, the chances of getting pregnant are slim at best. Add in that they don't tie them any more, they actually use a laser and sever them, and those chances go down even further. Yes, it still happens. People get pregnant on birth control or when they shouldn't be able to have children in the first place. Miracles happen. That doesn't mean they happen to everyone every time. If getting your tubes tied didn't work, they wouldn't do it.

C2: Haha why not just get a hystorectomy? No period! Yay!

Me: No period, no estrogen, added hormone replacement therapy so you don't go into menopause...

C2: Menopause isn't so bad. I went through it for 7 months. And the added hormones are just a .25 mg pill and all is well. And everyone I have talked to about the hystorectomy said it was the best decision they ever made. I'm actually going to get one by the time I'm 30. No other choice but. It seems better than a tube tie. Just my opinion tho, Haha well more power to you then :) congrats on the tying of the tubes! Yay! No more kids haha :) I spoiled myself with the no period thing and never want it back :D lol plus most of my problems happen around that time so if I can prolong it forever? Yes please :)

....my brain, it hurts. When did having your uterus removed because you WANTED to become a good thing? I mean, having it out because there is NO OTHER CHOICE...that's one thing. Taking it out because you don't want to have your period anymore? How did that even become an option? How do they not know how sensitive the hormone balance is in the body? This type of thing should seriously be taught in high school! Know your basic biology, people, especially if you plan on running amok and taking organs out at random just because you don't want them to perform their function anymore!

Final answer....

2011-01-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

I got a call from my nurse yesterday afternoon. I passed the 3-hour test! WAHOO!!!

We also went on a tour of the L&D area last night and can I say, I'm glad I'm not the one who is driving me to the hospital? I would totally go in the wrong entrance, although I'd end up in the right place eventually! So lost, but the husband knows where he's going and since he's taking me, that's a good thing. He said last night "They threw a lot of information at us. I'm not ready for this...." Um, welcome to my brain?

I called my dad and told HIM about the test results and what it meant as far as delivery goes (no induction, no C-section, unless for OTHER reasons) and that it meant I might actually get to have this kid whenever he decides to make his appearance. My fathers response? "Well, if that's the case, I won't be able to be there. I have to give my work at least 4 days notice." Whatever, dad - I'm pretty sure if you called them and said "My youngest daughter just went into labor" that they'd let you take a few days off to come up here. Apparently the birth of his grandson doesn't mean as much as I'd thought. Of course, I'm slightly relieved not to have to deal with him the first few days while we bond with Smallfry, but still...that's not REALLY the point here. My mom dropped everything when my nephews were born and raced up here, but apparently my dad can't be buggered. It's not like he works a lot - they've cut his hours down to about 10/week, so I'm sure they could find someone to fill in. He just doesn't WANT to, and that idea upsets me.

Next month is hella busy. The first week of February involves a doc appt, 2 classes, and a photo shoot! I have another class the following week, a doc appt the week after, my baby shower the week after that, and the last doc appt of the month - at which point we go to weekly appts, assuming I haven't had said child. :) I feel like a regular social butterfly!

Nesting sucks

2011-01-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

(I haven't posted the results of Saturday's GTT because I don't have them yet.)

Nesting sucks. Really really. There is so much I want to do, and so much I can't do because it involved lifting things that are over #25 pounds, or come from above my head. I can't even wash my hair these days without causing small pain from my sternum all the way down to my pubic hone from stretching...I don't DARE lift things down from the tops of the closets.

Closets. The TOPS of them. Which I can't reach without a chair. Why am I reorganizing those again? Oh yeah, because my brain tells me to. It also tells me that I have to go through all the computer CDs/DVDs and throw some out and otherwise sort them. It tells me that I have to sort through all the stuff in the "cat room" with is also the "junk room" and sort THAT out/find an out-of-sight place for it. That one at least makes some sense - the door is now blocked off with a baby gate so the cats can get in but the baby can't. The clutter is now open to viewing and I want it at least somewhat neat.

But the rest? It just doesn't seem baby-related to me. I thought nesting was "getting the nursery together" and "washing and folding all the baby clothes and blankets" and stuff - you know, directly baby related. I CAN make all of this be baby-related if I try: We are moving the books into what is currently the computer room (why? Because my brain said it was a good idea...) and the computers to the back room. Sorting through the computer stuff and getting rid of a lot makes sense because it's less to move. I also want to be able to fit it all into a smaller table instead of the dresser it's in. What will happen to the dresser? Well, it goes into the cat room. Why? I think you know the answer. I will be sorting through several chests of papers and art supplies, and what is left will go into the dresser. One of those containers will go into the back and be used to hold some of the stuff currently in my desk.

Me, my OCD, my sense of perfectionism, and my scattered brain are currently howling in frustration because we can't work together. Somehow I will get this all done, but the question is: Before or after I go insane? Because I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't do all of this on my own - there's too much lifting, and walking, and I'm plagued by "what ifs" while I'm alone. I don't even like leaving the house by myself these days because I'm scared that one of these times my water is going to break and I'll be alone. Have I mentioned that I still have 11 weeks to go and my water is in no danger of breaking, most likely?

Someone tell me - is nesting like THIS normal? Am I getting out of control?

GCT results

2011-01-04T14:37:00.001-07:00

I just got a call from my nurse about an hour ago - I failed the test. Is anyone surprised, really? If you are, you don't know me very well! I've been saying from the beginning that I would end up with GD, considering I was already on Met for being glucose intolerant. My sugars should have been below 140, and instead they were 170. Because I wasn't even close to being borderline, the doc is going to have me do the 3-hour test. Yay me. I don't know when it is yet because they haven't called me to schedule, but probably soon because he wants to get on top of this RIGHT NOW. And I swear, if one more person tells me "the test isn't that bad" I might scream. This will be the 4th time I have taken these tests - I know exactly how bad they are. The 1-hour is not as bad as the 5-hour, and while I haven't taken a 3-hour yet, the 3rd hour of my 5 hour test was the WORST. I thought I was doing to die I felt so bad - which is no wonder, considering that my sugars were 33 (I was hypoglycemic at that point).

I have my Rh shot on Thursday - anything I should know? Side effects to worry about?

At my appt yesterday I was measuring 29 weeks, although I'm only 28w1d (yesterday). After failing the test, I think we know why. I guess I should probably start looking into inductions and C-sections. I remember Wilma having hers, but I really don't know much about them. Ugh. Can't say I didn't see it coming, but I find myself continuously trying (and failing) to put my head in the sand. Yes, I know, women fail the 1-hour and pass the 3-hour all the time. I don't think I'll be one of them...

Random Updates

2010-12-30T10:08:00.001-07:00

Yes, I'm a terrible updater, but you already knew that. I intended to chronicle every week of this pregnancy, but you can see how well THAT worked out. I could blame several things, but the real reason is...I don't know what to say. When I talk about how the pregnancy is going, I feel like I'm complaining. A friend actually said "all she does is complain about being pregnant", which...isn't really what I'm trying to do. Being pregnant is WEIRD. Just WEIRD. There are so many strange things going on, like feeling movements and kicks that feel like my stomach flipped (like it does when you're nervous) to Smallfry having the hiccups, to all the usual pregnancy stuff that goes on. A running commentary is my style when hanging out with people, or when something is going on in my life, and to be told that I'm complaining makes me just clam up. I've come here and stared at the blank screen many times in the past 7 months, but I can't bring myself to write anything.

Well...at least I'm going to try and write something today. If it seems like I'm complaining about anything, just don't read me. Especially don't do so if you're one of those who thinks infertiles don't have the right to complain. (Oh hey, starting point!) I am so tired of hearing "You wanted this" any time I mention something hurting, or feeling yucky, or having no energy (thank you fibro!), or just being tired. Why, yes, I did want this - does that mean that I don't still have the right to experience pregnancy as every OTHER woman who wanted this? I mean, a lot of people who have babies want them...yes? And they get to experience all the fun aches and pains and tired and sick? WITHOUT being told "you wanted this"? How is me being infertile any different - did I somehow want it MORE, and therefore don't get to enjoy it as much? I should "suffer" in silence? And on the subject of phrases I am so tired of hearing, "if you think it's bad now, just wait" is getting up there with the "just relax" of infertility. I mention being so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and I get "oh just wait until 3rd tri, it gets so much worse". Because, you know, I have a choice in waiting? Oh no, please let me experience that now, I don't want to wait! *eye roll* And being told to "breathe" any time I start worrying about anything. Yes, I know, my friends have been through this before...and yes, I remember them worrying about everything too. So why do I not get to worry? *deep breath* Ok, rant over...I think. :)

So: I started 3rd trimester on Monday. I'm still not sure how I got this far, but I'll take it. I definitely look pregnant, or so I'm told - I still don't see it from my "top down" perspective, but I see it when I look in a mirror or catch my reflection. I feel like I should be bigger, but eh...I'm sure that will come with time. Smallfry is measuring a few days ahead, but not enough for the doc to change my due date. I've only gained about 12 net pounds, but the doc is happy with that so I'm not worried either. I have my GCT next week, which I am SO not looking forward to. Even if I somehow miraculously pass the test, it's going to make me sick - it always does. Yay for the husband having the day off to take care of me! (I told him he didn't have to, he insisted...say it with me "awwwwww")

The rundown:
1st tri I was a zombie. 2nd tri I actually had a little energy and only needed 1-hour naps instead of 2-hour, and not every day. 3rd tri...I am not actually sleepy-tired, but I feel physically exhausted even when I don't do anything. Still not needing naps every day, and the naps I DO take are anywhere from 45-minutes to 2-hours, depending on how I feel when I wake up. I start with the shorter one and if I wake up groggy and disoriented, it's back to sleep I go. It's been hard to get used to this kind of tired, where I don't really want to sleep but I feel exhausted. The fibro has been gearing up thanks to all the wet weather, so that really isn't helping much. Smallfry has been really active of late, with lots of hiccups and movement. Monday he hiccuped so much it was starting to hurt ME!

Over the weekend, Chuckles came to stay with us for a few days on his way to see Giggles, who just had their 3rd child about 6 weeks early. He bought us a crib! Why? Because we bought THEM one when their first child was born, and he's in a position to "pay it forward" essentially. So yay - good deeds paid back, and Smallfry has a place to sleep. Not only that, but Chuckles was meeting one of Giggles old friends for lunch and when he told her that he bought us a crib, she asked if we needed a changing table, because she had one she was trying to get rid of! So we have one of those too. :) I'm all excited! Last night one of the husbands' old friends came by...and brought me a BIG gift bag full of baby clothes in all sizes, as well as a few "mommy gifts". :) Maybe some day I'll actually get pictures taken of all the stuff we've gotten and get them put up on our baby site.

I'm also scared these days. I have roughly 87 days until this child is born. I feel like I'm on a "trial period" - you know, like when you start a new job and they have you on a probation period? Yeah, trial period until I become a parent. :) I know my life is going to change dramatically, but I don't really know how. I don't know what his sleeping habits will be, or how often he'll want to be fed, if I can even breastfeed, how much direct attention he'll need or if he'll be an independent child. When do I start buying diapers? DH says we should start stocking up now...but I have no PLAN. I don't know how many I'll need in what size for how long, how big this kid is going to be when he comes out, how fast or slow he'll put on weight, how long we'll need diapers, when he'll potty train (yes, thinking that far ahead because DH's plan is to buy a box of each size until we reach the top and then start over). How many onesies do I need? Blankets? Regular clothes? Do onesies go UNDER regular clothes? What kind of clothes do I need for a late-March baby? Will winter clothes and footie pj's be too warm? Am I going to go crazy after he's born? Will I be one of those moms whose PPD is so severe that I throw my child? Can I DO this (not that I have a choice at this point...)? Can WE do this? I'm terrified of the changes coming - I don't do well with a lot of rapid change, but I have no choice BUT to deal with this one as it happens. I'm just scared I'm going to mess it all up.

Baptism? Christening? Help!

2010-11-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

I find myself in a position that I didn't ever really think about - that of "hey I'm going to have a kid and I know people do these things but I don't know why or how or who". We aren't involved in a church, mostly because we're too lazy to get up and go and partly because we have a harder time finding one that fits both of us - Baptist being the closest. DH says that the hospital has clergy of every denomination on staff and that they can do both of those things as soon as the baby is born. But...

Is that the right time? Do we wait a few week/months for the christening? Years for the baptism? I know I've seen christenings done in the churches I've been to, and the baby is still very small and new, so that would seem to imply weeks. Like...at least 6, since I refuse to take my child out into a place with a lot of germs (a store, theater, church) until that point. But what do I do then? And why am I doing it - aside from "because that's what you do"?

And baptizing them into a certain religion - I'm not sure what I think about that. Shouldn't the child be able to choose what religion to be? Does baptizing them at an early age negate that option, or is it more so that if said child dies before being able to MAKE that decision for themselves, they're "covered"? Does anyone ever resent being baptized at birth? I mean, what if my child decides (god forbid and no offense meant to anyone) to be an atheist or agnostic - wouldn't baptizing them upset them later, since they didn't exactly give consent? I know, I know, I'm the parent...but I don't know how to be one of those and I can't ask my mom what she did when I was born, seeings how she's not a ghost and doesn't answer me. I could ask my dad, but chances are he won't remember - and probably won't admit to that either.

Help! Someone explain all this to me, pretty please!

Gender results are in!

2010-11-11T11:17:00.000-07:00

We are having....

No, we don't know what we are naming him yet. We had a name picked out, but it's become very popular I believe and the one thing we agreed on was that we didn't want our child to have a popular name like we did. So...it's quite possibly back to the drawing board. We have (hopefully) 20 more weeks or so to figure it out.

Remiss

2010-11-05T06:55:00.000-06:00

I know. I have been terribly remiss in posting updates about this pregnancy. As a matter of fact, it appears I haven't posted in 3 months...and I have never gone that long without posting. I don't suppose "I've spent the majority of the last 3 months asleep" counts. No, I didn't think so. Well, let me update you for those who might still be following.

I am now 19w 5d. You can see my belly shots at Totsites, and we've been fairly good about taking them weekly.Be warned that the ultrasound pictures are up there as well, and the few items I have for the nursery. If you do go visit, pretty please sign the guestbook!

I have been blessed with an easy pregnancy so far. *knocks on wood* It hasn't proceeded the way I expected it would - I anticipated much heaving and nausea, blood pressure and sugar issues, bedrest, etc. You know, all the bad stuff that happens to us. Why? I'm not really sure, except that it took us 6 years to get pregnant and my body hates me...so why shouldn't it be rough? Instead, I was an absolute zombie for the first 10 weeks. I staggered out of bed and off to work, where I proceeded to attempt to stay awake. It was really hard during training, and I apologized repeatedly to my trainers - thankfully they understood and did their best to keep me awake. I couldn't be left alone for 30 seconds or I'd drift off! I would then come home and sleep for about 2 hours until Aaron got home. Up for food, maybe some internet, and then back to sleep for the night. Rinse and repeat until about 10 or 11 weeks. I did have some nausea early on, but discovered that continual snacking keeps that at bay - yay for goldfish and cheerios! I also started showing at about 8 weeks, for those who knew what they were looking for.

Week 12 or so, I was less tired. Less tired enough that we actually got some yard work done that has been in the works for about 2 years. :) Starting at about 16 weeks I started nesting, of a sorts. I decided that we should remove all the caulking and silicone in the bathroom because it was a little moldy and redo it. In the process, part of the wall popped off and we discovered a lot more than a little mold and rotted wood. So...for the past 3 weeks, my bathroom has been torn apart and we are re-doing it. Just the tub area, and no I am not working with much in the way of chemicals. Just the silicone!

My dreams have been really vivid and REALLY weird. Most of the time I can figure out where the different elements of my dreams are coming from - books I've recently read, games I've played, people I've been around. Not so much any more - they're random. I have a lot of worries and am getting tired of people telling me not to worry. When you've lived in the IF world, you know the things that can go wrong and how fast and it's hard NOT to be concerned.

So far I haven't had to get any new bras. I was out of my regular clothes completely by 9 weeks. Nothing has been done on the nursery (other than putting in my moms dresser) because we can't afford it. Hopefully by the time Smallfry arrives we'll have stuff - my shower is sometime in January, I think. We find out next week what gender Smallfry is, and I am totally stoked. Everyone thinks we're having a girl and I hope so - Aaron will settle for human, and I'll settle for alive.

Ok, I'm starting to input really random thoughts at this point. I think I'll go get ready for work, and I'm going to try harder to update. I'm just having a hard time with it on many levels, so please be patient with me.

Halfway!

2010-08-09T13:35:00.000-06:00

I am now halfway through 1st tri! I know, it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I'm making it...especially, as Aaron points out, the first half is usually easy because you don't even know until you're about 4-5 weeks along. But hey - I have now known that I am pregnant for a week and a half and the kid is still in there! I plan on celebrating every milestone I can possibly think of. And? Being halfway through 1st tri means I'm halfway through no caffeine - just 7 more weeks and I can have a Coke! I haven't had any headaches from lack of caffeine yet, for which I am eternally grateful.

Symptoms thus far? Sore boobs, although not nearly as sore as they were for the first two days. Nausea almost all day long, but not too bad...and no puking yet, yay! Tiredness - good lord am I tired! I didn't sleep well for M/T/W last week, but I've made up for it since. I keep falling asleep in the middle of the day - not good, but I've been told to sleep when I need it. I'm taking something akin to Tylenol PM at night to help me sleep - doc said it was ok. Oh, and my pants - I can't wear them across my tummy like I usually do. It makes me even more nauseated than I have been!

I keep getting surprised at the rate at which things are happening. Like the pants - I thought that didn't happen until you started to show, but apparently it happens earlier...especially for those with sensitive tummies. And the tiredness - again, second and third tri, right? Nope, first, while the kid is growing in leaps and bounds. I didn't think my boobs would grow until later either, but everything says they should start growing NEXT WEEK! I think they're over achievers and have started early though. I went to try on maternity clothes last week, just to see what size I'm in now so I know where to start. The lady tried to convince me that I'd probably only gain a cup size - I laughed at her. I know, so rude, but I couldn't help it. I've gone from a 36B to a 40C since we've been together - and according to Lane Bryant, I'm actually a 36DDD (but 36 isn't comfortable on me). So yeah...not going to gain just one, I guarantee it. I had to try on a 40E with an extender just to get one that had a little room in the cup as it is!

Other than that, and the husband painting the room that will be the nursery, everything is relatively calm. I'm supposed to start my new job on Wednesday but I don't have the paperwork turned in because the lady won't call me back to answer my questions.

Heartbeat!

2010-08-04T18:10:00.000-06:00

We have a heartbeat! I am so excited I could freaking burst! Instead I've been dancing around and "squee"ing all afternoon. I am finally excited. That's a real kid in there - it has a heartbeat, we're doing ok. I was terrified they'd find an empty sac, that I'd managed to convince myself I was pregnant and trick my body. Or that there would be no heartbeat when there was supposed to be one.

I have to wait until next week for the official results, because my doc is on vacation, but the tech said it looked like I am measuring where I thought I was - 6w3d. Go go Smallfry! Yes, that is the childs bloggy name - Smallfry. :) And yes, we are considering Kaylee as a first name. Why no, we aren't Serenity/Firefly fans, what gives you that impression? Just because my dog is Inara, and my child is Smallfry? :D

I have set up a Flickr stream for baby pic stuff. The ultrasound from this morning is there, as will be my belly shots (when do I start those, anyways?), and any other baby-related images. I figured a central spot was good, so all my family could get to it too without having to come here (GACK!).

The results are in...already.

2010-07-29T17:34:00.000-06:00

I got a call about 2 1/2 hours ago from the docs office.

"Where are you?" the nurse says. "Home", I replied, a bit puzzled. "Are you sitting down?" she says. "Yes, I'm in the living room on the couch. Oh God, please don't tell me I'm pregnant" I say as I begin to panic. "Yes, honey, you're pregnant!" cheerfully replies the wonderful nurse.

4816 is the number. I'm about 5 weeks along. This is my mothers fault - hers, and the rheumatologist. See, when they put me on the latest drug that I am (was) taking, he warned me that the drug makes you infertile. HA! I told him we were infertile already and it would take a miracle. He replied with "Well, miracles do happen, even when they aren't necessarily welcome." I laughed. I shouldn't have. And my mother? Well, before she died and was still...sane, we were discussing how Aaron and I were done, we were happy with our lives. And my wonderful, dear mother said "You know you'll have your first one at 33, because you wanted to be done at 30." And? Well, I turned 33 last month, 3 days before my last cycle started. I think I need to have a talk with my mother about staying out of my sex life, just like I did when I was a teen.

I always swore I would never tell anyone until 1st tri was over, but I've been telling everyone. I need support. I'm freaking out. I don't have my mommy, and I don't think I can handle my MIL hovering over me. She's going to be ecstatic. At one point she complained to my SIL that she was never going to get to have grandbabies because we couldn't have them and my SIL was dating (now married to) a man who was snipped. She said this OUT of my hearing, but SIL reported it to me because she was furious. I am already going to have to lay ground rules for the MIL - no smoking anywhere near me, nor the baby once it is born (assuming I make it that far). She's not going to like it, but I am not going to do anything to jeopardize this one.

I'm freaked. I am alternating between "I need a crib! A carseat! We're going to have to rearrange the house, and what about the animals?" and "I need to eat better. I don't think a coke and cookies counts as a healthy breakfast." I'm terrified that my period is going to show up after all. I don't think I can handle it if it does. I am so lost right now....

It figures...

2010-07-25T12:09:00.002-06:00

I always have tests in the house. Always. Except...I don't. I have 2 boxes of unopened OPK's, which I will never use again unless a doc orders me to, but no tests. So...even though I was going to test this morning, I didn't get to. AF still hasn't arrived. Doc told me on Friday that if it doesn't show up in a week to come get my blood drawn - hell, I can probably convince the other doc to do it on Wednesday for me!

Fun times!

2010-07-23T18:23:00.000-06:00

Fun times are happening around here. I figured I'd better update y'all. :)

For starters, I gave myself a moderate concussion yesterday. How did I do that, you ask? (I know, because everyone else has asked too!) Well, we are in the process of rearranging the house. And in my world, when you rearrange one room, you inevitable end up doing 3 rooms, if not more. Aaron started in on the "red room" (our spare room, which has deep burgundy carpet) and moved the bed away from the West wall and under the window in the North wall. Well...that made it so that the side of the bed that was facing the wall was now facing the room...which, of course, meant that I had to take the mattresses apart and fix the bedding, right? And of course I would do this when no one was home to help me, right? Right. So. I took the mattress off, leaned it against the closet behind me. I then took the blanket I'd been using as a bed skirt (the bed is a double, my sheet sets are queen...see the problem?) and decided to tuck it under the box spring so it wasn't on the heater. I was standing at the end of the bed, where the bookcase is (see where this is going yet?), and lifted the box spring to tug the blankets. Now...the next few seconds are a little hazy. I don't know if I lost my balance, or if the box spring shifted, or if the world just tilted on its axis, or what, but I fell sideways and slammed my head into the corner of the aforementioned bookshelf. Insert much cussing here. I told Aaron about 30 minutes later and he immediately wanted to come home and take me to the ER - I insisted I was fine. A friend came online about 30 minutes after that and was quite convinced that I had a concussion, and those are simply not to be messed with. I called the Nurse Line, who decided I should go in. So...about 3 hours after hitting my head, Aaron got to come home and take me in. Another hour later and I was in for a CAT, which came back clear. Still nauseated and headachy, but apparently that can happen for up to a month! Brains do not like being sloshed about!

Second bit of news: Starting at 6:45 Monday morning, I am once again, after 6 months, employed! *shout from the rooftops* I have a job! That's right - I'll be a wage earner once again, and none too soon either. It's another damn call center job, doing more tech support, but it's work. I'm getting on brain meds now, and if I end up having to go on Top@max again, at least I'm not taking the fibro meds I was last time.

Speaking of fibro meds: I've been on Sulf@salazine for 6 weeks or so, and it's working. I was supposed to go get a refill today, but...well, I'm on CD30. Cycles are normally 23-25 days, with the random 28 thrown in for confusion. The last time I recall having one like that was 6 years ago this weekend, when I miscarried my chemical pregnancy...when I started the whole TTC journey in the first place. That cycle was 31 days. The rheumatologist warned me when I started on this med that if I became pregnant I needed to stop it immediately. I'm out of meds, except what is waiting for me at the pharmacy...so I'm not getting them, and I'm testing in 2 days. I don't know if I'll remember to post the results or not, but if I don't, then chances are very good that AF showed. Lord and Lady help us if I am....I'm finally used to my life the way it is! Which, of course, means that is EXACTLY what Fate/Karma/You Name It was waiting for...

A call for help

2010-07-01T17:05:00.000-06:00

Gwendomama is a fellow IF blogger that I have been reading for about a year now. At that time, I came across her situation from the LFCA - her husband physically abused her in front of her kids. She took them and ran. It happened on April 13th, but she didn't tell us the full story until May 19th.

Since that time, she has fought with the legal system and with him. She had a stay-away order, which he got around by living on the other house on the property, which was only 20 yards away. He refuses to pay any of the bills, or move, or move his stuff, or pay child support. Still. Still, after a year and some, he will not pay anything towards his children. Yes, they are now farther from him - about 40 miles. He also still believes that his actions were perfectly fine - nothing out of the norm.

I could continue with link after link after link detailing what this man has put Gwendo and her kids through. But I won't. Because I'm hoping you'll go over to her blog and read her story. And then? I hope you'll help her out if you can. I can't, not financially, not yet...but I can do this much for her. I can use my blog to hopefully reach other people, who might be able to help her. The internets banded together and solved a few problems, but...there's more. There's a lot more. Until her ex-jackass starts paying child support and stops having his head up her ass, she's a single mom who needs help. So please...if you can...she has a paypal button up on her page, and is working on getting a PO box for those who want to send her goodie boxes.

My time is coming to be able to pay it forward. If you've ever had someone help you, and you're in a position to do so, now is a good time for you to pay it forward as well.

Birthdays

2010-06-18T13:00:00.001-06:00

Sunday is going to be my 33rd birthday. I don't know what I think about that. This time around I seem to be a true Gemini on the subject, which is rather unusual for me.

Do I celebrate? Do I *want* to celebrate? Do I just want to run away and hide for the day, or should I go out? Cake or no cake? Remind my family and friends or don't? (My mother in law can never remember when it is, even though it's 5 months before her sons, exactly. Last year she didn't even wish me a happy birthday - I am still bitter about that.) Do I even want presents? Should I just tell people that if they want to get me something, send money so I can go get whatever I want?

I don't want to be an attention whore, but on the other hand...it's my birthday. I feel old. My hair is more grey than I had realized - I dyed it black, and it's fading out to my natural color (which was the intent) but because I haven't dyed it, I am truly seeing how much more grey there is than the last time I get it grow. I have honest-to-god streaks of grey. I should say silver, because it sounds better and they *are* shiny and not the dull grey you see in some women, for which I am grateful. We used to call it mithril, but that's because we're geeks. So then we get into the "Should I re-dye my hair? Well, I'd like to, but on the other hand I really need to let it heal. It's taken a beating and while it *is* getting better, it's still rough and dyeing it isn't good for it." Did I mention I feel old? I got a recent dx of arthritis in my spine, along with everything else.

I am having a rough time, mentally. I don't really think it's the age. It doesn't feel like it has anything to do with mom, although I will miss her call. I think it's just the fact that it's my birthday, again. We have no money with which to really celebrate it, husband doesn't get to go out shopping for me (although we did buy a kick-ass blender), and I doubt he'll even have time to get a card, nor will he think about it. My dad's card won't be here until Monday at least, my grandmother said her stuff will be here Monday or Tuesday. We're going to have cake with the boys on Saturday. It looks like my actual birthday is going to be just...another day.

The newest fad diet

2010-06-03T14:37:00.000-06:00

I assume that most of you have heard about the newest fad diet - the hCG diet.

There is much ire going on with me. Every time I hear a commercial I want to scream. My blood pressure soars, my stomach gets in knots. It is not good.

We all know what hCG is, or we should. As people trying to get pregnant, we rely heavily on those numbers to tell us what's going on with the pregnancy itself - is the beta rising, falling, not doubling like it should?

And now? People are WILLINGLY injecting themselves with it daily for a minimum of 23 days, up to 40 days, or until they lose 34-40 pounds. Now yes, that sounds appealing. I need to lose about 40 pounds, and I could do it in 40 days with this. But wait - there's more! While doing those injections, the people are only allowed to eat 500 calories. 500. Lets see...I'm sitting here are my desk drinking a coke and eating a snack-size bag of Fritos. My coke has 140 calories, and my Fritos bag has 320. I am now only allowed another 40 calories for the DAY. Really? The claim is that you don't feel hunger pangs because your body uses your own stored fat for energy and sustenance. Great - turn my body into a cannibal why don't you! 500 calories isn't even enough to support your normal brain function!

Does the FDA approve? Of course not. They know it's not good. They approved the use of hCG as a fertility drug. Guess what? Injecting yourself with hCG tricks your body into thinking it's pregnant. Using hCG improperly, as a dietary aid in this case, can cause you to get pregnant if your body turns the tables on you! Only...you won't know it, because a pregnancy test is GOING to come up positive if you're using the damn hormone and because you're tricking your body into thinking you're pregnant, you may experience other pregnancy symptoms (nausea, tender breasts, swelling). So now you ARE pregnant, but you don't realize it, and so when you go off the injections after 6 weeks, you have no idea. Meanwhile, you're feeding your poor fetus 500 calories. A coke, a snack pack of Fritos, and maybe a Hershey's kiss. Yup, that kid is going to come out JUST FINE. Oh - lets not forget OHSS, which is also a real risk with injecting yourself with hCG.

hGC is a controlled substance. You can't just walk into the store and get it - you have to have a script. Your regular doc isn't going to give it to you, not if he's at all smart. So where do you go? To one of those damn weight loss clinics, where the docs will give you a script before you can blink. These are the same people who thought the Atkins was a good idea, and probably the tapeworm diet of long ago. Really - you're going to trust people who thought that eating a tapeworm would be beneficial?! After more research it looks like it's available online - even better! Let's just order something we know nothing about from the internet and inject it into our bodies without knowing anything. How many of us had to take classes to learn about PIO injections?!

Let's talk about the weight loss too. The claim is 34-40 pounds within the 40 days. Most people lose that - those that don't come back after 6 weeks and try again...and that goes for those that the weight comes back for. My doctors freaked out when I lost 15# in 2 weeks due to a random side effect that I was never able to duplicate, generated from starting two meds at the same time. I repeatedly stopped them and started them again after a few weeks to see if I could make it happen again, but no go. It was just a random occurrence. My doctors also freaked out when I gained 20# in a month from a medication. Apparently neither one is healthy to do, shockingly enough. Yet...these weight loss "doctors" are counseling people to lose the equivalent of that 15# every two weeks. It's not healthy! A couple pounds a week, yes - and we're talking 3-5 pounds, and if it's done in a healthy way, like exercise and not drugs.

People are so...hooked...on trying to find a fast way to lose weight. You didn't GAIN that 40 pounds in 2 months, what makes you think you should be able to lose it? I heard once that it takes twice as long to lose the weight as it did to gain it - so those who are pregnant and it took them 9 months to gain the 40 pounds, you're looking at 18 months to lose it! But people try crash diets and fads, injecting and ingesting all manner of unknown things, just to lose weight. I'm not a proponent of exercise - I'd be a hypocrite if I was, since I never get off my ass. I also don't try fad diets. I watched my mother try diet after diet after diets I can't even remember when I was younger, and her weight just yo-yo'd up and down, it never stayed off. My mother, like me, was not a big eater. She ate more than I do, but I eat barely enough to meet my metabolic needs (and I'm not even 100% certain about that!) She gained baby weight and just never managed to lose it. After every diet, she ended up gaining more weight than she lost.

I can't help but wonder...what long term side effects is this fad diet going to have? How is it going to affect the fertility of those involved? If your body gains an immunity after 6 weeks, what happens if you get pregnant when you go off of it? Will your body recognize that it is actually pregnant, or will it just go on as it normally does...which means if you don't realize it, that fetus could starve? What happens to the men who take this? Yes, hCG is present in their bodies as well...but the amounts are very small, and this will boost it. I'm just really worried and angry about this whole thing. It's the worst fad to come along in a long time, and all because docs want to make money.

I apologize...

2010-05-29T18:37:00.003-06:00

I had to turn on the "Registered Users - including OpenID" option for my blog for the first time, even though I really hate doing that. It adds an extra step to commenting and becomes downright annoying at times. It was the only way I could think of to solve a problem I've been having, however - one post was repeatedly getting spammed by the same person (I think - it was in Oriental characters) with the same message (again, I think - Oriental characters) every day. I have comment moderation turned on for posts over 30 days old, so that the comments don't appear without my approval...but I got tired of having to reject it every day. Turning on the registered users option keeps the bot from doing that, and from my blog turning into something that boosts spam sites. Please forgive me.

Random videos

2010-05-28T15:15:00.008-06:00

There isn't much going on right now. Went to see a rheumatologist, he's checking me for everything under the sun, making sure nothing was missed. Still don't have a job. That's about it. So...I've been listening to pandora a lot lately and have come across several songs that I want to be able to find again. You are being subjected to a random variety of videos at a whim - enjoy!

Pimping for a friend

2010-05-15T10:21:00.000-06:00

My friend Amy wrote a novel and is in the process of editing it to submit to an agent. Part of her story was selected for a writing contest. She was all the way up to 4th place...and the entry got deleted somehow, so she has to start over. It occurred to me that a lot of you who read my stuff might actually like her story - another friend described it as "if you like fantasy or young adult (or god forbid, Twilight), you'll like this" and I agree. It's very intriguing and I would really appreciate it if you'd go take a read and vote for her!

Melissa Marr Writing Contest, Amy's Entry

PS: We have discovered that you can vote from multiple computers in the same household, as well as your phone if you have one that goes on the web - it counts IP addresses.

Naked Me

2010-05-14T00:05:00.001-06:00

Read Me
Read Me too!

May 14th is "Bloggers Without Makeup" day, a day for us to show our real selves. Most of my pics that I have put up have been without makeup anyways, since I only wear it for work or going out, but I thought I'd put up a few anyways. Now you can see something besides my tiny profile or Facebook pics!

First up: Me, just out of a shower. No makeup, face all pale from the heat, and giving the husband "the look".

Next up: Immediately after having my gallbladder removed in 2007. You want the real me? Well, a bit dopey, but...

And last: These two were taken just a few months ago, about a week after I dyed my hair...

So there you have it - the "real" me. :)

Celebratory Society

2010-05-12T11:06:00.001-06:00

Mel made a most excellent post today, about reaching out to others. I thought "what an excellent idea! It will give me an excuse to de-lurk on some blogs, and perhaps find others that speak to me!" Given that I am not a particularly eloquent writer, I just snagged Mel's sample post and put it here.
**********************************************************************************

Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in. After giving back to others at the Celebratory Society, I have decided to participate in it myself. You can understand the project in full by clicking here, but in brief, the Celebratory Society is an online festschrift for a blogger--a way for you to tell me what my blog or actions mean to you. But this isn't about me--this is about you too. And I would love it if you returned to your own blog, started your own Celebratory Society post, added it to the main project list, and gave me the opportunity to tell you about...you.

Hot buttons and triggers oh my!

2010-05-01T23:51:00.000-06:00

Remember way back when I used to talk about Giggles and Chuckles quite a bit, because they were living with us? Guess who is pregnant...again? Yeah... They had the first one about a week after moving out of our house. The second one was born a year later. At least she waited about a year and a half this time...I think Chuckles was out of the state for the first little bit though, so that explains that! My MIL called my husband tonight to have him tell me, before I found out from anyone else. Like, oh, say, a facebook status. At least now I know I need to hide him so I don't see it! Once again I have learned that I simply can't tolerate some things very well...still. GOD DAMNED FUCKING FERTILES!

*ahem* *pardon me*

Another family member has found me on Facebook. Yes, I said another. So far, both uncles, my aunt, all 3 cousins, my sister, her sister D, HER sister T, and D's husband have all found me. D also had one of her granddaughters friend me. Then my brother found me through my sister - oh yay. Because, you know, I want HIM back in my life. And now, tonight, T's sister L friended me. Now I know - most of you are asking yourselves "Why doesn't she just refuse the invites?" Well...if you'll recall, I have gotten used to trying to keep family harmony. I couldn't very well have my sister as my friend and not my brother. I also couldn't think of any valid reason not to have T & D as friends. L...well, if her sisters are friends...and I remember her from when I was a kid...*shrug* it seemed ok. Until tonight. Why? I have FB up constantly - it never gets shut down unless the browser crashes or I have to reboot. So tonight I'm actually at the computer while waiting for dinner to arrive and up pops a message from L. We have the following conversation:

L: Hey, do you remember me? I used to live with you when you were a kid?"
Me: (not that it was long, but...) yes, I do.
L: You sure have grown up! I wish y'all would stop doing that to me.
Me: (Tries not to be snide about how everyone grows up, get used to it) *insert inanities about understanding, nephew growing up fast*
L: "I'm really sorry about your mom. How's your dad?
Me: (Trying not to type out my thoughts, which are along the lines of "Thank you for appearing back in my life after about 25 years and poking your fingers into my sore spots, and reminding me that my mother has been dead for a year and half in 4 days") Working, trying to retire.
L: You got married recently, didn't you?
Me: (Thank you for paying so much attention to my life while you butt in) 7 1/2, almost 8 years ago.
*(and at this point y'all know what's coming...right?)*
L: Wow. No kids yet?
Me: (Tries not to scream as the woman steps in it yet again, debates on how to answer) Nope - we can't have them.
L: Well, at least you two have each other and time to enjoy it. Not like me - we have 3.
Me: (growls, grumbles, glares and makes no comment)

Really - managing to hit the mom trigger, the fertility trigger, and the "aren't you just so grown up!" trigger in less than 5 minutes. A little impressive. My brother said he was surprised I had her as a friend - I explained the whole family harmony thing and as long as she doesn't irritate the fuck out of me on a daily basis, I should be fine. He proceeded to tell me how nosy, annoying, scheming and conniving she was. *shrug* She can't touch me here, and if she gets too bad, I'll just block her I guess.

Oy. Stupid freaking people.

On that note....I have hesitated at posting this, but I have started a blog chronicling my fibro journey. It will be how I feel when I am feeling like blogging it, bits of research I come across, etc. Much like I do with the cancer blog. If you want to read it, let me know and I will send you the link. :) I know it's not going to be interesting to everyone, so don't feel like you have to read it.

Barbaric

2010-04-28T14:00:00.000-06:00

Strict OK Abortion Measures passed

Read that article. It talks about two bills that were passed in OK yesterday.

The first bill requires that women who are getting an abortion, regardless of reason, watch an ultrasound of THEIR FETUS and listen to a detailed description of it. The doctor MUST set the monitor up so the woman can see it and then point out heart, limbs, organs. No exceptions - not for those who were raped, or victims of incest, or terminating because the child will not survive outside the womb. This is absolutely barbaric. I believe it to be unconstitutional - it should fall under "cruel and unusual punishment". It's hard enough for women to get abortions as it is - pickets standing outside telling her she's a murderer, and let's not discount the emotional cost to a woman. She may not realize it at the time, but she will later. They are setting women up for mass amounts of PTSD. I wouldn't be surprised if the next part of this bill becomes "Make the woman watch the ultrasound machine while you perform the abortion itself, and then show her the remains". It's like we've stepped back 600 years, to when women weren't thought of as intelligent. Do they think we don't know what the fetus looks like? Do they think women just casually go "oh dear, I'm pregnant and I don't want to be. Guess I'll go down to the corner clinic and get an abortion."? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of debating and thinking and crying that goes on before the decision is made. This is just...barbaric. It's really the only word I can come up with.

The second bill prevents doctors from being sued if they failed to give the parents information on defects while the child was still in utero. So doctors no longer have to give that information out, because they are protected. If they don't give the info out, the parents can't prepare for it - or decide to terminate. Oh! But if they DO decide to terminate, refer to bill #1.

It looks like there are two other bills expected to pass as well. One makes the woman fill out a long form stating why she wants an abortion - which will then be put online as part of statistics. Talk about violation of privacy! One can only hope that they are least keep the personal information confidential and just use the numbers. But again, this is already hard enough, emotionally - why make it harder? The second bill restricts insurance coverage - but most insurance companies I know don't' cover it anyways.

Do they really think a woman who wants an abortion is going to say "there's too many hoops, I'm not doing it"? No, she'll find a back alley somewhere and have someone do it. Or pay to have someone hit her enough that she miscarries. Or she'll take drugs that will cause a miscarriage. And should all that fail, she'll have the child and hide it in a dumpster.

I hope that OK is prepared to deal with the consequences of their actions. I hope they have counseling services available, starting now, for all the shit that is going to hit the fan.

Still undecided...and rambling.

2010-04-14T13:18:00.005-06:00

I am still undecided on the issue I mentioned in the prior post. Do I? Do I not? Does it really matter? Will it help someone? Will it harm me to dredge it all up again on "paper"? Do I want it out there for everyone to read? If I DO submit, do I do it under Tigger or another name? Do I link back to here or not? It's not like family knows about either blog, and neither do my friends. Well, they know I have one but they don't know where it is. And I've been careful (I think) not to associate my real name with them so they can't find me. And my story is...a lot of vagueness. A lot of misty thoughts, memories, etc. There are only a few concrete things, and even those are...not remembered so well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news...well, there really isn't any. The weather might be shaping up so I can start walking again. I tried to get into a clinical research trial for neuropathic pain, but they think my fibro is going to exclude me. I don't know WHY, when fibro IS neuropathic pain...but whatever.

I was doing some research today and found a lot of really interesting info on fibro from a biological standpoint. It got me to thinking: I was diagnosed with TMJ when I was 16, and hypoglycemia at 17. I have had so many digestive issues over the years. If someone comes up and pokes me, or I brush up against something, I feel a "memory" of that for a good 5-10 minutes...and have recently discovered that not everyone feels that! I never knew it was unusual. I thought I had really tense muscles or good muscle memory!

I often get asked by docs if anything worsens my symptoms and when I tell them yes, everything...they look at me blankly. I'm not sure why: An epidemiology study consisting of an internet-based survey of 2,596 people with fibromyalgia reported that the most frequently cited factors perceived to worsen fibromyalgia symptoms were emotional distress (83%), weather changes (80%), sleeping problems (79%), strenuous activity (70%), mental stress (68%), worrying (60%), car travel (57%), family conflicts (52%), physical injuries (50%) and physical inactivity (50%). Other factors included infections, allergies, lack of emotional support, perfectionism, side effects of medications, and chemical exposures. (Same wiki article I linked before) And they wonder why I tell them everything makes it worse, nothing makes it better.

After reading this article and a few others, I at least feel a little better mentally. I've been wondering if it really WAS all in my head (well, it is because it's my brain that doesn't work, which we all know, but you know what I mean...) and that I was imagining things. I've wondered why it settles in my hips, when there is nothing wrong with them. I wondered why it hurts more when I've been resting and not when I'm working - but I hurt like a mother fucker when I'm done cleaning.

I still rage against this disease that isn't really classified as a disease, but must be a disease because insurance companies don't have codes for imaginary things. I hate having this - I doubt anyone likes it - but I can't fix it. It's gotten to the point where I can't wash my own hair, because I can't keep my arms up long enough to get all the soap out (my hair is 19" long, but I really don't want to cut it). I can't brush my hair after the shower either - my husband has to help me with both things. This interferes with my life and personal care...and yet it is not eligible for disability because it isn't REAL. There is no "scientific test" that will detect it, no lab work, nothing. You can have some symptoms and not others, some people have a little pain, others so much it's not to be belived. And yet...no, it's not REAL. I could scream.

The thoughts in the brain go round and round...

2010-03-17T09:27:00.002-06:00

I read a post by Gwendomama the other day that resounded in a spot deep within me. I followed it to Violence unSilenced, a website dedicated to stories submitted by abuse survivors. I'm not just talking about sexual abuse or physical - there's also mental, emotional, and psychological abuse. There are stories from men and women, with all varying degrees of horrifying.

But this post isn't really about the website. It's about me, and what I've realized, and I believe for the first time I'm posting a little bit on this and my thoughts. I am not posting the whole story. Maybe one of you will have some insight for me.

When I was younger I was molested by the old man who lived near us. My mom found out and put a stop to it. There wasn't any talking about it, except a few times she asked me if he had started again. I just don't think she knew what to do with it, or how it would later effect me. Hell, I'm still not sure just what effect it has on me, how much of my issues can be blamed on him or the things that followed.

My first real boyfriend was a controller. Mom knew it, tried to tell me, I wouldn't listen. I thought he was sweet, always wanting to know where I was and if I was home yet - that he missed me and wanted to talk to me. When I went to college, there was another boyfriend - this one was mentally manipulative. Then John, who cheated on me and I still stayed. My ex-husband, who was controlling in every way, shape, and form. My ex-fiance, who was emotionally unavailable and made me feel like I was an emotional wreck.

I exhibit some of the classic victim signs, especially if someone is angry with me. I fall into the "it must be my fault. I didn't do right. If I had handled it better, it would all be ok and they wouldn't be angry." Even when it's not my fault, they're just taking it out on me or being a prick...I still fall into that. I spent my first marriage apologizing A LOT. I noticed last night after a personal confrontation with a guildmate that I thought was a friend that I do this. I never REALLY realized it until then, after reading Maggie's site and seeing the stories of behaviors.

The problem is: What do I do with this? How do I NOT react like that when, as I think back, I've been doing it for over a decade? Maybe longer, but I am not sure of that. I know my parents didn't abuse me in this manner, although my father was also mostly emotionally unavailable (which explains most of the men in my life being that way as well) and my mother had MPD when I was a kid (one of which was a very angry person). So...who knows? I just don't know what to do with this. I haven't yet decided if I want to submit my full story to Maggie or not - the whole thing is "mild" compared to what I've read, and yet they repeatedly say that abuse is abuse is abuse - mild, severe, and in between. I just...don't know.

My mother, My sister, and Me

2009-12-17T11:45:00.002-07:00

(cross-posted to Colorful Medication)

I got a call from my dad last week. My sister had her annual mammogram and an ultrasound of her only remaining ovary ( I don't know why the latter was done). They found a lump in her breast and a cyst on the ovary.

Fuck.

The tech told her to just wait 6 months and get tested again. In an uncharacteristic move, my sister actually disobeyed and went to her regular doc. Given family history (which her doc knows all about), the doc has decided to give it a few weeks and do the tests again. So...the Monday after Christmas, my sister is having another mammy and u/s. If the cyst is growing, they're just going to remove the ovary completely. My sister said she's not willing to risk a single cell remaining and have it come back like it did with mom. Of course, they did a total hysterectomy on mom too...but I won't point that out. I don't know what they're going to do about the lump - I guess it depends on size. If it's small enough, perhaps they can just remove it and biopsy it like the did with mom's.

I...can't go through this again so soon. Or ever. But really - it's barely been 13 months since mom died. I simply cannot deal with the fact that my sister might have cancer. And what if she DOES? What if it becomes not a "might have" but a "does have"? I can't go down there like I did with mom - my sister lives 8 hours away. Then there's the whole "I'm not exactly THAT close to my sister" factor. We're sisters, but we're not best friends. We've spoken...4 times? since mom died. Maybe. That's being generous. We just don't talk that much. We're 10 years apart, we didn't grow up together - I was 8 when she got married. We got closer when I moved out on my own, but still - we're not close. She didn't even bother to tell me any of this - I had to hear it from my father. And when I asked how she was holding up? She just told me about the appointment. I don't understand her in the least. She also has more than just her husband to take care of her - she has two sons, at least one of which will help out. The youngest...he's taking the route of my brother, so I don't count on him. But still. I just can't do this. I can't fathom the possibility of losing another family member to cancer. I...

Can't. Won't. Don't want to. The idea makes me want to go into a full-blown panic. I want to run screaming. I want to cry. I want to throw things. And this is all before I even have any answers.

I feel bad...

2009-11-05T11:08:00.002-07:00

I just went through my blog reader and deleted some blogs I've been following. Some because they never update anymore and some because they've simply gone in a direction that just doesn't work for me. The ones that don't update...well, I kept them around for a long time because if they DID ever update I wanted to know about it. There's one still there like that, because I'm really hoping that she'll come back. Really, really hoping. The rest...well, I don't know. I didn't really read them that long, so there isn't really a big connection. I still feel bad, though. I don't update that often, although I do at least update more often than once ever 6-8 months. I know I still have at least one reader (hi Jess!) and probably more than that, if statcounter is to be believed. That could just be people stumbling by, though. I know the people I removed probably won't miss me - it's not like I'm an "Iron Commenter" or anything, and I doubt many people look very often to see who is following them and who has stopped, and it's not like they're going to contact me to find out why I stopped and it's not like they follow me. I still feel bad.

As for those who went in a different direction...that happens. What started out as IF blogs turned into mommy blogs. Which is GREAT - don't get me wrong. That's the WHOLE idea - If turns to treatments turns to baby...right? Right! Most of the time, hopefully. And baby means mommy blogs. And some mommy blogs I can handle and I'm fine with and I like reading. But some I just can't. It's all about writing style. I think these bloggers lost me a long time ago, I just wouldn't admit it. I felt...obligated? to keep reading, because I started reading while they were in the middle of IF (or the beginning) and I owed it to them to keep supporting them until the end, whatever the end was. I just...don't fit anymore. *shrug* And I doubt they'll miss me. Again - not a big commenter. And they have LOTS of followers, so I don't think one will be missed.

I still feel bad. I feel like I should keep reading.

Restless Legs

2009-10-08T11:25:00.002-06:00

I appear to have developed Restless Leg Syndrome on top of everything else, if my suspicions are correct. The last few nights I've been unable to sleep in bed because my legs are twitching so much. I've had to sleep in the recliner, where it takes me about an hour and a half to finally get my legs to calm down. Every 15-30 seconds they twitch and jerk - feels like I have something under my skin, or they're trying to cramp.

My father called while I was writing this and I told him about it (mistake, I know). He tried to tell me it's because of the work the chiropractor is doing, that because of the adjustments I can now feel the nerves in my legs. Um, dad? It's not like my legs have been dead for the past 32 years. They're just fine - I feel pain just fine, believe me. This? Not PAINful, just really uncomfortable. I feel like a marionette!

RLS isn't uncommon for people with fibromyalgia. According to this site, "Many people with fibromyalgia suffer from restless leg syndrome symptoms. RLS causes unpleasant sensations in the lower limbs, so much so that the limbs have to be moved in order to reduce the pain. RLS occurs mostly at night, between the hours of 10:00 pm and 4:00 am, though it can also occur throughout the day in severe cases. It is thought that somewhere between 20% and 40% of fibromyalgia sufferers also have RLS." Consider now that I get off work at 9:30 at night, go to bed at about 1:30 or so, and start having issues as soon as I lay down.

It seems odd that it cropped up at the same time I started taking meds for a UTI. I've looked into it and that's really not one of the side effects...so I really think it's just coincidence. I have at least another 3 days of the meds, so we'll see what happens when I stop taking them. If it continues I'm going to have to go talk to the doc.

Joy. I needed another syndrome. I wonder if that's my superhero name: Syndrome Girl

Safe spots

2009-10-05T22:17:00.002-06:00

It looks like I might be posting more, maybe. Yeah, yeah, I know - I keep promising I'll write more and I never do. It's not because I have nothing to say, it's because it takes energy to write and I never remember when I'm already sitting here. I think about it when I'm at work, or laying down to sleep, or something.

So what's different this time? Well, Facebook has been a place where I could say things about certain family members and not have to worry about it. I could vent that my SIL is being a PITA, or my MIL is making me batty...and all was ok. My FB has become overrun with family. MIL, SIL, BIL, Chuckles, my BIL's sister, my MIL's BF and her DH (I am LOVING all these abbrevs!) and one of their daughters... there is no longer a place for me to vent.

Which means I just might have to end up back here for my own peace of mind! Provided they don't find THIS too...

Catching up...or not

2009-07-21T11:34:00.002-06:00

I haven't written lately because there isn't really much to write about. I have a new job, working in a call center. I don't particularly like it, but I don't really hate it either. I realized last night that I may very well end up there for 5 years or something because I'm too lazy to look for a new job right now...and I really don't want to be there that long. Beggars can't be choosers, though, no matter what my father may think. I need a job, I need to pay the bills. Should we ever somehow become independently wealthy, I'll think about quitting. *snerk* Like that will ever happen.

I have stuff to rant about, but I'm not sure I really want to. It's more hashing about our sex life, and how angry I am concerning it, but really...it won't do anything to fix it. It's not something I can talk to DH about without making him feel guilty and I don't want to do that...and it's an old argument anyways, one we've been having in one form or another since we got married. I'm tired of it, and I'm tired of being upset about it, and I'm tired of him feeling guilty or abnormal. I wish we could resolve it, but I fear that will never happen.

Dad has finally stopped calling me every day, for the most part. It's down to every few days usually, and never anything to really tell me, he just wants to talk. I guess I'm ok with that...if only he'd listen when I say anything, instead of blowing me off or glossing over whatever it is. That will also never happen, as he's always done that to me...I can't decide if it's because I'm a girl, his daughter, or just younger.

I'm feeling a little off-center the past few weeks. Like something is wrong but I can't quite figure it out - not REALLY wrong, just off. I'm pretty sure it's just me, which means I can ignore it and it will go away eventually.

Other than all that, there really isn't anything going on. I'll write more about dad on the other blog, as it deals with mom too. I just wanted to let y'all know I was still alive and kicking, there just isn't really anything going on.

Job! OMG!

2009-06-02T09:09:00.002-06:00

I didn't want to post about this until it was for sure, but...

I GOT A JOB!!!

Yes, you read that correctly. After 8 months of unemployment and 6 months spent looking for a job, I finally have one! I'll be working as an in-bound tech at this company, working on this company's products. It's not something I've done before, but I'm willing to try something new...as long as they're paying me, which they are. :)

I start in 6 days. My training schedule is just scary - 5:30 in the morning until 2:30 in the afternoon, for three weeks. My normal schedule, though? Absolutely peachy - 1:00 in the afternoon until 9:3o in the evening, with weekends off from the start. It couldn't get much better than that. DH is going to change his schedule once we know for sure when my real one starts (they mentioned a protected week, where I have lots of help available, but didn't tell me which schedule that was on) and he'll work 11-7. So we'll each have a few hours of "me time" every day (which he's been missing terribly) and yet still get to see each other every day too!

I'm so excited - we'll be all caught up financially in no time flat. The plan is to put some in savings every paycheck while still working feverishly to get our credit card paid off. Of course, even if I threw almost my entire paycheck at the credit card it still won't be paid off until next year (ouch!) but at least there will be breathing room. We also have a request in for a loan modification on the house and I'm going to be deferring my student loans for a while. Ok, so maybe things aren't going to be as easy as I'd initially thought (damn you, typing, for putting into perspective!) but still WAY easier than they are now.

But! I HAS JOB NAO! (yes, lolcat speak - deal with it, it only happens sometimes)

I've been reading...

2009-06-01T10:52:00.001-06:00

a rather interesting web novel of late. It's not for everyone - I suggest only going if you are very open minded. But I thought I'd give it a shout here, just in case some of you want to go and read it too. :) I promise that I'll get around to making a real blog post some day - some are brewing, I'm just trying to ignore them.

Prologue | An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom | MeiLin Miranda

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Pocket Pet anthem

2009-04-28T12:07:00.001-06:00

Anything that amuses me and cheers me up is a good thing, yeah? As such, I present to you "Nom! nom! nom!" - the anthem of Pocket Pets everywhere! The first time I watched it I thought "aww...cute!" And then? I watched it again...and again...and again...and, well, you get the picture. I bebop to it in my chair, it brings a smile to my face every time, and I catch myself humming it at random. Without further ado:

And the fun starts....edited

2009-04-24T00:07:00.004-06:00

I remember taking 1500mg of Met before, and getting "fire butt" as someone from my old TTC/ITSG boards used to call it. What I forgot about? The nausea that strikes as soon as I up my dosage to a proper level. Why did I forget? Probably because I haven't been at the proper level since the first time I was dx'd.

Nausea. In my chest. Not my stomach - that feels fine. But...it's like my esophagus is nauseated. I breathe in just right and I can make it go away.

I'm going to go lay down and try to sleep. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not - I have a feeling the fun is just beginning.

*edit* I was both right and wrong. The nausea wasn't just in my esophagus, and it wasn't just nausea. Not 5 minutes after I hit post on the first part of this, I went to bed. Within 2 minutes, I jumped out of bed and threw up 3 times. So...perhaps no eating right after taking the pills. I don't remember that part from before - I hope this means that the met is going to work better. I was right about the fun just beginning though. Stay tuned for more Met drama!

Oh the irony...

2009-04-23T11:16:00.002-06:00

History: DH and I got together 6 years and 4 months ago. Roughly 6 years ago I started a BCP called Cyclessa. DH and I got married 5 years and 7 months ago. I went off Cyclessa 5 years and 2 months ago. We started TTC, because we knew it might take a while due to family history. Sometime between then and a year and a half after starting our TTC journey, I was dx'd with insulin resistance and put on Metformin (hereafter referred to as Met). At the year and a half mark, I went to an RE. She did the wandy thing and said "Hey! You have PCOS! OH! And you're insulin resistant!" She upped my dosage of Met and we went on to a treatment that didn't work (that was 2 years and 8 months ago). Since that point, DH and I have been giving it the college try...and eventually I resigned myself to living childfree. I have been at that stage now for about a year or so.

Yesterday: I read this article which says PCOS women also have an increased endometrial cancer risk. The risk of ovarian cancer is increased 2.5-fold, particularly among women who had never used oral contraceptives. Breast cancer risk is not clearly increased with polycystic ovarian disease. Just what I needed - another thing that will give me the kind of cancer that killed my mother almost 6 months ago.

Today: I go to the doc for a med check. I've managed to gain 10 pounds since he saw me a month ago and the only thing that has changed has been my meds. He upped my dosage of Met to 1500 (bring on the fire butt, baby!) to see if it will work a little better. When I mentioned the article to him and explained the whole "PCOS and all appeared when I went OFF bcp last time", he put me back on Cyclessa.

You read that right. The woman who can't get pregnant...is on birth control pills. Not for cycling reasons, not to suppress my ovaries for a stim. An infertile woman...on bcp. I think the only thing more ironic would be if I GOT pregnant. *looks at the sky and waits for karma to come bite her in the ass*

Pour me, Poor me

2009-04-22T10:11:00.004-06:00

I started typing this for Mel's Lushary but it took on a life of it's own and I decided to move it here instead. Some of this may be familiar, but I'm going into more detail because APPARENTLY it needs to come out. *Warning: this post may be viewed as a pity party. I just need to vent.*

I have fibromyalgia. Not severe, but enough to interrupt my life and make it next to impossible to do things - like stand for more than 5 minutes, lift stuff repeatedly, have energy. It's centered in my hips and lower spine, and there doesn't seem to be much docs can do. I'm on a new med for it, but don't know if I'll stay on it as I've somehow managed to gain 10 pounds in less than a month. I've already got about 60 extra pounds I can't manage to lose - another 10 does not make me happy. It's centered in my hips and lower spine, which makes moving difficult from time to time.

I also have scoliosis - abnormal curvature of the spine. I curve slightly left to right, but I curve severely from front to back. I have a large ass - and most of it is because my spine bends much farther in at the base of my spine, making my tailbone (and thus my "black girl booty") thrust out. I figured out last night that in order for my spine to appear as straight as most people's, I have to bend at a 135* angle. Having a double-curve makes life...well, interesting. The curves are not static - they are always changing in degree. It's painful, but I'm used to it - my back has been like this since I was 10 years old. Or at least, that's when I was dx'd with it. Mom thought I was just experiencing "growing pains", but when it didn't cease she finally took me in. The curves have never been severe enough to warrant a brace, but that may be changing. Unfortunately, I can't exactly afford to go to an orthopedic surgeon type person to get inspected. I don't think it's coincidence that the curves are worsening in time with the fibromyalgia and where IT centers. I think they're feeding off each other and there's natch I can do about it.

Before anyone says "if you exercise, the weight will go away", no - it won't. Go back and reread the previous paragraph. See that whole "not standing, not lifting, no energy" part? Yeah, that includes "no exercising", which requires some energy, the ability to lift something, standing, biking, aerobics. All of which cause pain and lots of it and I'm not talking about your normal "man I worked out yesterday and I'm sore" pain. I'm talking about "I can't get out of bed, I feel like I've been stabbed repeatedly, I can't move" pain that lasts for weeks. One day of trying to do yard work and not listening when my body warned me to stop wiped me for 3 weeks.

Aside from that, I have mild PCOS (just enough to fuck with me, not enough to actually warrant anything in the way of treatment) and am also glucose intolerant (since they usually go hand in hand). The doc I finally get to go back to now that I've graduated college and don't have to use their health center anymore is a wonderful, wonderful man who trusts me when I say "would you please up my dosage of Met because we both know that 500 doesn't do jack shit?" He upped me to 1000 at the same time he put me on the new med for the fibro (also at my request). I didn't have the s/e's that I expected, although I am finally hungry for the first time in eons. I'd say that's why I've gained weight, but everyone keeps telling me I need to eat more...and now that I am, I've managed to prove my theory that eating makes me fat.

I haven't worked since October, when I quit my job (that was dying) to focus on school and mom. I graduated in December and started looking for a job on January 2nd. I still don't have one. I had work through a "temp" company for 3 days, and the guy was supposed to have me come back, but he never has. That was in March. I had an interview about 2 weeks ago for a company that works with mentally ill people, but that didn't pan out either. The job market sucks monkey balls right now and it's seriously frustrating. I got this damn degree that all the companies wanted and now I can't do shit with it. I'm qualified to work in any office, if they'd just hire me goddammit. I've always been qualified - somehow I think 14 years in an office qualifies me - but couldn't get the "good" jobs because I didn't have a degree. Finances are tight - very tight. If anything changes (the SIL & BIL move out, my student loans come due) we're royally fucked. If things stay exactly as they are until I find a job, we'll make it. We've made it for the last 7 months...we can keep making it. That's not likely to happen, though. Loans are due in about 2 months, and the SIL/BIL were planning on moving out in August. One royal fuckage, coming right up!

When I envision my future right now, all I can see is myself becoming my MIL. Sitting around all day on the computer, watching TV, whining because I can't do anything without hurting myself, and generally being worthless to the household. I don't want to be like that. If I sit around on the computer all day, I want it to be by my choice...not because I don't have anything else to do. I never thought I'd get tired of spending 14 hours a day playing WoW, but I'm at that point. I miss being face-to-face social with people, laughing and joking and flirting. I feel broken - infertility aside. I have a brain that's always in a fog and a body that can't do what I want it to. At least I have a husband who loves me, and friends that support me.

Angry? It's all in your head....

2009-04-09T10:03:00.004-06:00

*looks at the last post*
*reads about "getting anger under control"*
*falls down laughing*

I love how I can deceive myself so well. It turns out that the only reason I was calmer was because of the Cymbalta. I got off schedule with it during March and ended up just quitting. Within a week I was raging again, picking fights, being stubborn and ending up getting hurt. Getting so angry with my husband that I actually cornered him in the kitchen, screaming so loud I'm surprised the neighbors didn't hear us, and slapped at him a good half-dozen times. He easily fended me, of course, and it didn't hurt him...but...it's not good.

As a result, I marched my ass into the doctor, told him I was crazy as all fuck, and he needed to get me on something I could take at night. See, my morning schedule is never the same - I don't get up at the same time, I don't eat at the same time (or hardly ever, for that matter). My night schedule is the same though - take pills, go to sleep. So adding an additional pill to that routine is no big. Enter the amitriptyline again. I've been on this before. It works well for depression, chronic pain, and usually sleep. Only...after about a week or two, it stops helping me sleep. Not sleeping causes the pain and depression to worsen, thereby rending the pill almost worthless. So I quit taking it when I stopped sleeping. I have since decided that was stupid idea, and got the doc to put me back on it. That was March 26th - and as of 4 days ago, I stopped sleeping again. Ugh. At least I have some stuff to combat that now, so I'm going to keep taking "amy" and hope it helps. Huh...never did I think I would reach the point where I actually begged a doc to medicate me so I didn't "have a nutty" as Wilma puts it.

On a funny note: When I was leaving the docs office, he told me (semi-joking) that I am not allowed to commit any violent crimes between then and the time I next see him. That leads me to believe that I am allowed to be violent as long as it's not criminal, and I can commit crimes as long as they aren't violent.

So far, I think I'm ok. I did completely lose my temper the other night during a raid with my guild in WoW and bitch out a 13-year-old because he was doing stupid shit. I also happened to do that over voice, where everyone in the run could hear me. Talk about embarrassing! Of course, his father (who is our guild master) reamed me and then tried to offer an olive branch. I warned him I was in no head space to accept anything, but he kept pushing. I finally told him to f*ck off and put him on my ignore list. Not that smartest thing to do to your GM... *head desk* Lucky me, he knew I was on a tear and didn't boot me. I apologized to his son and everyone else who heard me the next day, and the GM when I later saw him. As I was talking to DH that night, while having a complete meltdown, we came up with the perfect mental image of what it's like when I'm angry: picture an octopus, sitting on it's underside, spinning rapidly in place with the tentacles flying everywhere, striking anyone in distance. DH has gotten very good at ducking and avoiding - says he's had a lot of practice.

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Request for information: I have a forum friend who is not quite 2 months pregnant. She sent me a message the other day that said "Can you think of any reason intercourse would HURT LIKE HELL right now, cuz of cramps? Like menstrual cramps, until I orgasm and then it's more like contraction cramps...moves from left-center to just center. Also, doesn't hurt much if I'm on top." I told her I'd put a call out for information, knowing that my readers (those die-hards who still check on me from time to time) are wonderful people who might be able to help.

Finding Me

2009-02-10T11:41:00.002-07:00

I know I've been quiet. My other blog has been quiet too. There's a lot going on - a lot of it internal. My temper is finally getting under control. I realized this the other night when I intentionally lost it and yelled at someone. Not screaming, not raging - but I was seriously pissed off. Enough that I got out of bed, stalked to the kitchen, and yelled at my SIL to shut the f* up because we were trying to f*ing sleep and that it was after mid-f*ing-night and DH had to get up for work at 7-f*ing-o'clock in the morning and she should just f*ing shut it and take up the argument she was having with her s/o in the f*ing morning when they were both f*ing sober. I haven't cussed that much in a single sentence in a long time! (To her credit, she showed more brains than I would have when I was like her - she shut up. I? I would have transferred my rage.) As I was talking to DH about it afterward, I realized that I don't rage like I used to. I don't scream, I don't throw things. I still slam doors when I'm mad, but it's more like "shutting really hard intentionally" than "I have to do something or I will explode so I will SLAM this door as HARD as I can and make the windows rattle in their sills".

I was remembering many years ago and a conversation I had with my mother about tempers. She said "when I was younger, I had a nasty temper...much like you have now." I looked at her askance, having rarely ever seen my mother lose her temper and trying to reconcile that with someone like me, who rages blindly. Mom said "No, really. I used to go ballistic all the time. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I started to get a grip on it. Now I'm ok - most of the time." I figured my mother was yanking my chain. I mean..c'mon. I was a RAGER. There's no way to stop me, just let me wind down and run out of steam. I'd apologize once I calmed down. Don't take me personally unless you KNOW it's to do with you. I threw things. I developed a boxer-fracture in my right hand, which I broke in the same spot 22 times between the ages of 17 & 22. Only one of those breaks involved another person - most of the times it was walls, trees, dumpsters, benches... you get the idea. There was no WAY I was going to get a grip on this - I was sure I'd always be like this.

Now? Well, it occurred to me that here I am, in my 30's. (seriously? how did I get here?!) I'm calmer than I used to be. I spend a lot of time irritated, but not angry. My temper is, however, well established. Most of the time a look suffices to make people cooperate with me, at least with those who know me. Dh says I'm more in control than I used to be too. But how? I have no freaking clue. I'm assuming it's an age thing. :)

I miss me, though. Not the anger, oh no, but the person I was BEFORE the anger. Even the person I was, during the Raging Years, when I wasn't actually raging. I used to be fun. I used to have fun. I used to have sex several times a day - now I haven't the energy for it. I used to go out dancing - now it's painful. I used to be skinny - I've gained 100 pounds in 12 years. I miss me. Where did I go?

Anyways, the title of this post (and what prompted me to write here again after almost 5 months) is a song I just heard on Pandora radio. It's called Inner Glow , and it's by Finger Eleven. Watch, listen, read. (video sucks, but...well, at least you can hear the song)

Happy Anniversary to Us....

2008-09-30T07:50:00.002-06:00

Friday was our 5th anniversary.

Wow.

Have we really been married 5 years? The marriage certificate says so, so I guess it really must be true. So much has happened in the past 5 years that they've just flown by. We've weathered several moves, in-laws, house buying and remodeling, 3 years of school, 3 bouts of mom's cancer, two jobs for me, four (almost five) years of TTC and all that go with it, and a whole host of other things that seem small but were really big at the time.

When we got married, we only owned the truck. No house, and the second car that we had was being paid on. I was working for a steel company and DH had JUST started working in IT three weeks earlier. We had a ton of debt, including credit card and student loan. Now? We own a house, the truck, and a new car. Our debt is less, although not gone and about to get bigger in June when my 6-month grace period is up for loans. I will hopefully be starting a new job at the beginning of the year as well, which will mean another adjustment for us.

I worry. We've done well so far, but I read somewhere that the 5th year was the hardest. That's the point where you usually have kids, and they're in the toddler stages (which is rough, so I hear), and life is really starting to kick into full gear. For us, we have no kids and are still sorta coming to grips with that. The in-laws have been out for 4 months, so it's also still being adjusted to - we didn't really realize what his parents did, or how much crap that was here was theirs that we don't have now (wheelbarrow, post digger, soy sauce) and have to go buy. It's just "always been here", according to DH. So we're spending more money and I'm worried about that. Death of a loved one is also high on that stressor list and I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop for a while now - the waiting is killing me. I'm not looking forward to dealing with the aftermath. I worry about DH, because I know it's going to be hard on him too and he's going to shove it aside to help me, which really ISN'T a help because I need to know that he's hurting too. I want to be able to cry together, to be strong for him and have him be strong for me, to get through it together - but I know better. I'm just hoping that it doesn't end up being too much for us.

OY! Time for class! I gotta run...thanks for checking in with me!

Such a BITCH

2008-08-07T11:14:00.002-06:00

I know, I know - it's been too long. I'm a little caught up in my own world these days with the inclination but not the motivation to write. Over the 4th of July weekend, we painted the living room and hallway, back living room and bedroom. The following week we replaced the carpeting in all of those rooms too. I still haven't managed to get things put back together. Go ahead...talk to me about lack of motivation!

It doesn't help that mom is getting worse, and I've been working 6 days a week between my two offices. Not long days, necessary, since I'm still getting between 20 and 30 hours, but still...6 days where I am somewhere other than home all day, 6 days where I don't want to get anything started in the morning because I have to go to work later or don't want to do anything when I get home because I've been up since 5:30am.

However, I had to tell you what happened when I went to my parents house two weeks ago. My sister was there that same weekend (joy!) so I got to see her too (more joy!). My sister and I....well, we're different and yet the same. We're 10 years apart and weren't raised together. I was raised by both of my parents - she was raised mostly by her father and his series of women, and mom for the first few years and the last few of her teens. So...very different lives. I don't see her very often - maybe a few times a year - so she's not used to the way I act, or interact, with my husband. She doesn't give a rats ass about any of my medical issues, and claims to understand my infertility. I suppose she has a small right to that, since it took her a long while to get pregnant with both of my nephews...but she never went to a doc, never did treatments, never did a blessed thing but keep trying and get her endo cleared every few years. So while she's familiar with the "Dammit I want this" feeling, she still has no idea.

ANYWAYS: All day that Saturday my dearest, most wonderful husband had been poking me, pestering me, and being generally a literal pain in my (name a body part). No hard pokes, but I was hurting hard between the trip down, a lack of sleep and an abundance of stress...the heat didn't help either. This means it was painful to be touched and I'd repeatedly told him to STOP POKING ME all day. That night we were getting ready to watch fireworks and he poked me again, and I once again told him to stop poking me please. I saw the playful gleam in his eye and amended "And don't pinch me, tickle me, or lick me either." My sister EXPLODED. The words out of her mouth? "God you are SUCH a BITCH! No wonder you can't get pregnant if your husband can't even touch you."

.....

To my credit, I did not kill her. I spun to her and said "If it didn't hurt so much, I wouldn't tell him not to." What I should have said, and realized much later, was "huh. And you call ME a bitch."

I still have not spoken to my sister about this. My mom tried, telling her that husband obviously doesn't mind - he DID marry me, after all, and has stuck around. If he minded, he wouldn't do it. It's a form of play (sort of....) and it's just the way we are. My sister maintained that I'm just a bitch.

Huh....

Birthdays

2008-06-19T06:19:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow is mine. I will be all of 31 - and I'm not sure what to do with that. Unlike Mel, I don't particularly like celebrating my birthdays anymore. I don't really hate them, but I'm not overly fond of them either. People keep asking me what I want - I don't really want anything and I don't really need anything either. I hate it when other people buy me clothes, which is usually what I "need" most often. I prefer gift certs, so i can go get my own stuff on my own time. Right now, I want gift certs to Lowe's or Home Depot so we can get paint for the house. Totally practical, I know, but no one seems to understand that THAT is one of the best things they can get me right now. THIS is what I want, to get the smoke and pee out of my house.

When I was growing up I always had birthday parties and I couldn't understand why my parents didn't have them. I remember asking mom about that one year and she said "Someday, honey, you'll realize that birthdays have lost their importance. You have so many that they just don't matter anymore." To my child brain, this made no sense - how could you NOT have a celebration and get lots of gifts and cake and stuff?! I think I understand. I don't want my friends and family to feel compelled to get me stuff - I know how rough money can be, how hard it can be to find time to go shopping, what a pain in the ass it can be to find the right gift. (Yet another reason why I like gift certs - the person can get what they want and I don't have to figure it out!)

I was thinking the other day about what I truly want (besides gift certs) for my birthday and realized that it's actually pretty simple, although not likely to happen:

I want my family and friends to remember it's my birthday without me having to remind them, for the umpteenth time this month.

I want them to listen to me when I tell them what's important - for me to get my house fixed.

I want to be able to enjoy my birthday for the first time in a long time - I'll actually be able to drink if I feel like it. And we're going to the beach...although it's supposed to rain all weekend. So I guess I want the weather to cooperate for once as well.

And now...although I DON'T want to...it's time for me to go to work. Blech.

"Best Day Ever"

2008-05-29T06:20:00.002-06:00

Mel @ Stirrup Queens has asked for help on behalf of another blogger. Please clickOur Own Creationto head over to Allison's blog and help out. It doesn't take much, just a simple click. Can you help me help a fellow blogger? Please?

In Memorium

2008-05-11T11:12:00.002-06:00

Methos went outside Thursday morning, never to return.

Methos Trouble Underfoot came into our lives 2 1/2 years ago, when he was a 6 week old bundle of white fur. Within 3 hours of his arrival, he had the house completely under his control. He was fearless then, and he'd stayed that way. When yelled at, he didn't run...he'd just hunker down as small as possible and look up at you with those blue eyes and meow, as if to say "See me? I'm small and cute and cuddly and I purr really loud. You know you love me. Don't me mad. I'm cute!" I've always had trouble keeping him inside - he came from outside, and that's where he wanted to be. After a year of fighting him I started letting him go when he'd sneak out and in the past six months I've been letting him out when he asked. This...this was my downfall.

For you see, he went outside Thursday morning when the in-laws left. Before I went to bed that night, I went outside and called for him because I don't like him to be out all night. I also figured he was hungry, as he ALWAYS comes home to eat. There was no answer, but I didn't think much of it since he does sometimes stay out all night...but he comes in when FIL leaves in the morning. When I got up, he wasn't in. I called for him again, but no answer. A few hours later I tried again...and that's when I began to panic. Every hour I'd go out and call for him. When Aaron got home, we went to look for him. I just knew he'd be in the patch of tall weeds across the street and that he wouldn't be alive. I was right. He got clipped by a car, or at least that's the best we can figure.

Methos has a special place in my life. I guess you could say he's my infertility pet. When he showed up on my doorstep, I felt as if God was saying "I'm sorry you can't have children. I know you want a little boy...so here, have Methos." Methos was a very different kitty from Winnie, who I believe God gave me because I wanted a little girl. They are definitely as different as boys and girls. In human years I think Methos was reaching his whiny, angsty teen years recently. These two cats are more human that some people I know - so full of personality and love and talk. When Aaron told me that Methos was gone I felt a stab and twist deep in my body - as if my uterus had been stabbed. Not only have I lost a pet, I've lost my child. (This is not meant to be a direct comparison to the loss of a child - nothing equates that, nothing.)

I am back to living in the land of "what ifs" and wishing that I could have the innocence of my youth once again, when I could allow people to comfort me with platitudes and believing the lies we tell each other. "I'm sure it was quick and he didn't suffer" or "He's in a better place now" or "there's nothing you could have done." I'm busy tormenting myself with "did he get hit because he was running to me when I called him? Why didn't I hear his yowls of pain? Why didn't I know he was hurt? Why didn't I go looking for him Thursday night? If I had found him just after he was hit, could I have saved him? Who did this to him and why didn't they stop? Why did God take my boykitty away from me? Why did I let him go outside, especially when I knew the dangers?" I know that there are no answers and I expect none. I imagine I'll stop looking and listening for him eventually. But for now, the house is too quiet without Methos the Monster and his purring and talking.

Deep thoughts

2008-05-08T11:51:00.003-06:00

This post on BlogHer that was written by Mel really got me thinking. Enough thinking that I actually signed up for an account just so I could comment. My comment almost turned itself into an entire blog entry, so I thought I'd bring it here and expand on it a bit.

My comment there reads:

When we first started TTC, I went shopping crazy. Well, crazy for me, anyhow. I bought anything and everything Tigger related I could find: toddler toothbrushes, crib and twin sheet sets, pillow to match the sets, bibs, a rocking tigger (like a rocking horse), a car window shade. If it was Tigger and I saw it, I bought it.

We're going on four years now with no luck. We're no longer actively ttcing. Two years ago I put all the Tigger items into a storage unit,for use at a later date (theoretically). After reading this article, I realized something that I have no answer for and that makes me slightly panicky: My inlaws are moving out, and all my things from the storage unit are going to be coming back into the house. That means that all that baby stuff I've stashed is coming back too. I have to find a place to hide it where I will never come across it again. Why don't I get rid of it? I can't bear to. If I do, I feel like I really AM giving up.

I can understand the no-longer-in-the-trenches women who feel hesitant to buy things. I can understand those who have and are now terrified. It's as if by purchasing something you're just tempting karma to come get you. But if you don't, then those who don't understand you guilt you. I really don't think there is a win on any side to this whole deal.

I thought about my comment the entire time I was taking my lab exam. I thought about it while I read the paper during lunch. I'm sitting here in the computer lab, thinking about it again. I read Mel's response to my comment and thought some more. I thought about all the room we're going to have when the in-laws move out and yet I don't seem to have a place to hide something. Having it in storage is one thing - I rarely go to our storage unit. Putting it somewhere in the house where it could leap out and get me at any moment, or cause me to look sideways at the closet where I put it every time I see it doesn't sound like a good idea to me. I can only think of one thing to do with it - use it.

You see, the current space plan is this: Aaron and his friends are going to use the back living room as a place to game every Saturday. This means that Fred and Wilma will be coming over and bringing their children. Attached to the back living room is the room that MIL & FIL are using for their bedroom, complete with a closet. We're planning on putting the spare twin-sized bed back there and turning that room into a place for the children to play. It will give them a place to play, and they'll have to get past everyone to get into another part of the house - which is forbidden, because the house is not child-proofed and I have no plans to make it so. The bed will give them a place to crash if it's time for bed. So...perhaps I'll put the twin sheets on that bed, put the rocking tigger out for the oldest to play on.

Perhaps being confronted with things on a daily basis will make them lose some of their power. It's the fear of the unknown that gets us, I think. No matter how much we know, we still can't control or know everything and it scares us. We allow things to have power over us, such as I have with these toys. Yes, I bought them for my someday child. There might still be a someday child...but in the meantime, shouldn't these toys be loved for and used by children, even if it's not mine? Why am I so afraid of these items?

I knew a girl long ago on the WebMD JSO forums who used to try on all her clothes with one of the big salad/mixing bowls strapped to her tummy so she could see what the specific clothing item would look like when she was pregnant. I remember thinking "Why would you torture yourself that way?" and that was BEFORE I ever knew I was infertile (or subfertile, according to one doc). About a year ago or so, I went shopping for shirts and a comfortable bra. I knew that, given my body shape, maternity clothes are actually fairly flattering on me...so I went to Motherhood. When I went to try on a shirt, there was a foam "belly" in the dressing room...presumably so you could see what the clothes would look like when you started showing a little more. I debated with myself, and then put it on and tried on my shirt. I showed my husband, then took off the shirt and belly and left the store. Why did I torture myself that way, knowing what I do? I don't have an answer, except that my brain said "This is the only time you're going to see yourself this way."

Bitter much?

2008-05-06T09:49:00.003-06:00

Some days I think I'm ok - and I think this is true for MOST days. I no longer have the urge to scream every time I see Wilma with her children. I no longer count the pregnant bellies I see in the store, or feel the need to point them out to Aaron by saying "Oh look...there's another one." This is not to say that I don't still look at babies wistfully, or get upset when I'm surrounded by child-talk.

Other days, however, I feel warped. I hide behind armor made of bitter and distilled anger and frustration. Case in point: We are currently studying the reproductive system in my physiology class. I could easily skip this section and probably still pass, but I'm going on the off-chance that I might actually learn something. Yesterday we were covering the female system. My professor (whom I dearly love) was trying to explain the ovarian cycle, and how ovaries and the oviduct work, and how they don't touch (which can lead to ectopic pregnancies and endo ending up in the body cavity). To demonstrate this, she had me make a fist and hold up my arm. Y'all - I got to be an ovary. My first thought? "Well, at least my ovary has SOME use." I was slightly shocked at my inner voice, but then thought "well, that's about normal for me these days."

You see, instead of getting angry or sad, I just turn sarcastic and bitter. It works for me - hide behind the flippancy that still has a ring of truth to it. I do this with everything else medical that bothers me. I still remember going to a neurologist about the pain in my spine, and how random bits of my legs and feet kept going to sleep. He said "well, you're awfully flippant. It doesn't seem to be bothering you much." Dude...if it didn't bother me I wouldn't be here. I just can't face it fully on, because I'll work myself into a frenzy and come apart at the seams. It appears I've done the same thing with being infertile. It still bothers me, but if I can deal with it through being flippant...I'm ok.

Now if you'll pardon me, I'm going to go find something to wash the bitter taste out of my mouth.

Entitlement

2008-04-28T11:15:00.003-06:00

I have been thinking about this post since Saturday morning. There was an event that triggered it and I've just been mulling it over. I can almost guarantee that it isn't going to be popular with either the infertiles or the non-infertiles. If it bothers you, don't read.
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At my job, I proctor exams. I check people in, they read the policies/procedures and sign it, ask any questions they have and then I seat them. They test, they tell me when they're done, I score them and send them on their way. Easy. I usually get the same questions: What do I do if I need to use the restroom? Are we allowed gum? The answers are on the P&P if they'd just READ the damn thing, but that's an aside.

Saturday morning, as I was checking in a woman, I got the same questions. I told her if she needed to get up and go, go. She said "Okay, because I didn't sleep well last night and I don't feel very good. I'm also pregnant, so that doesn't help." Whatever lady - I don't really care if you're pregnant, had 12 cups of coffee this morning, have medication that makes you pee...whatever. Just go if you gotta go. Before I take people into the room, I make sure they use the restroom if they need to. I did the same for this one, and she came back chewing gum. I told her she needed to spit it out (people smack it when they're not paying attention, or nervous). She said "But I just put it in! I get dry mouth really bad now that I'm pregnant and this helps with that. It also helps with the nausea! If I don't chew it, can I keep it in?" I apologized but told her no.

As I got back to my desk I started thinking about that. It was essentially "I'm pregnant so the rules don't apply to me. I'm entitled to different things, because I'm pregnant. You should let me do what I want, because it helps me and I'm pregnant." Congratulations, lady, your uterus works. Your ovaries work. Your hormones work. Your husband has super-sperm. Woo for you.

No. Being a healthy individual with working parts does not entitle you to jack shit. To go a step further, it really doesn't matter HOW you got pregnant. It doesn't matter if you were on BCP, the shot, the condom broke, it was planned. It doesn't matter if you had to do IUI, IVF, DE, surrogacy. It doesn't matter if it took 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years. Just because you managed to somehow, someway get pregnant it does not mean you are entitled to anything more than anyone else. You get the same treatment, and if you don't, you should.

In thinking about all this, I walked to the kitchen Sunday morning to get a drink and noticed the picture on the fridge that has bothered me for a while now. It's one of those magnetic picture frames and says "Grandchildren Make Memories". It's been up on the fridge forever, but didn't have any pictures in it. This past summer, her stepdaughter and her children came to visit us, at the same time that Giggles and Chuckles were moving in. Family photos were done, and the MIL put them up in the photo frame. There were pictures taken of MIL, FIL and all the kids. Pictures of Chuckles and Giggles and the MIL and FIL. You get the idea. The only one missing from any of those photos...is me. Aaron is in them, because he is one of the kids. Giggles is in there because she's carrying the first great-grandchild. I am the only one not there, because I am not one of the children or grandchildren, and I am not carrying any either. For several months I cringed and felt a stabbing pain every time I went to the fridge. the pics are at eye level for me, so there is no avoiding them. Over time it has stopped hurting. When I went to the fridge, I realized it no longer hurt and I got thinking about entitlement again.

As infertiles, we have our own sense of entitlement. We expect the world to be gentler with us, to try and understand us, simply because we can't (for whatever reason) conceive and carry a child to full term. This is not to say that people shouldn't be tactful - they should, as IF is a disease like any other and carries it's own set of problems. Along that vein, however, it would be akin to asking cancer survivors not to talk to cancer patients because it's too painful. The survivors speak to give hope, not to say "HA! I made it and you aren't." We expect so much more though; we expect people to understand when we don't want to be around pregnant people, when we don't attend church because we can't handle seeing babies. We lose friends because we can't reconcile ourselves to the fact that they have what we want. We break one of the commandments - "thou shalt not covet" - and expect everyone to pat us on the back and say "it's ok. We understand" and then get angry when they don't.

Yes, people are assholes. Yes, people are idiots who don't "get it". Yes, people are people. How many times before you found out you were pregnant did you say to someone "you just need to relax" or "you're so lucky you don't have kids; you can go anywhere you want" or any of the other things we get so furious about? We are no less guilty than anyone else, and to pretend otherwise is hypocritical. We are not entitled to jack shit, just like the non-infertiles.

As I was thinking about all this and talking to Aaron, i realized something else, and I know this is going to go over like a ton of bricks. We CHOOSE to be upset because we are infertile. That's right, I said we CHOOSE it. Instead of focusing on the good things in our lives, celebrating the joy around us, indulging in the babies we can be around, we choose to be angry, bitter, self-centered. We push people away, refuse to have anything to do with babies. We choose to be angry when our friends are pregnant, when people make stupid remarks, when our MIL's put photos up in our face that are missing us because we can't have children. Instead of being angry, smile. Know that the people who are making stupid comments are either lucky enough not to have to go through what we've been through, or that they just don't know what to say in response but feel the need to say something because society teaches us to do that. Know that your MIL is lucky to have people in her life who CAN have children, that she is blessed to have grandchildren from someone - she's a proud grandmother, just like every other grandmother out there. She's just unlucky enough to be related to you. :) Have joy that our friends have children that they will let us play with, take care of, spoil any time we want...and that if we ever get out of the trenches, they'll gladly reciprocate. Work in the nursery at church - indulge in the babies every week, knowing that these little lives are just beginning.

I won't say that I'm not still bitter, because in some ways I am. But I think I can see the light. I'm trying to learn to be happy with what I have, instead of throwing a hissy fit for what I can't have like a toddler would. So I can't have children - I have a husband who loves me, cats who love and annoy me, family who supports me. I would love to pass on everything my mother taught me to my child...but if I can't, maybe I can pass it on to my friends' children instead. But now, instead of telling people that we've been trying for 4 years to have a child, I simply tell them that we can't have them and leave it at that. It no longer matters how long we've been trying - we know the answer now. Someone said in response to that the other day "You shouldn't say that - you don't know for certain." She's right - I don't. But for now, I do. If I get proven wrong, it won't be the first time in my life and I'm sure it won't be the last. I said nothing in response, just smiled and thought "she's lucky she doesn't know."

Chuckles and Giggles Saga, Chapter 3036

2008-04-07T14:19:00.002-06:00

As promised, here is the latest in that saga.

We've always known that Giggles' mom is batshit insane. She's been telling Giggles since she got pregnant that she was going to take the baby and raise it, because she always wanted more babies. Aaron and I have suspected since first hearing this that she was serious. She even bought an entire nursery for her home "just in case they decided to come back and live with her and for when they visit".

Well...I'm sure you can guess what I'm going to tell you. Chuckles and Giggles took the baby over to her mother's house for her to babysit. Mom then refused to give the baby back. One would think they'd call the cops, but no. Apparently they decided to bide their time, because the roommates that they had did drugs and they didn't want to cops to take the baby away from them. They also knew that her parents were going out of town, so they decided they'd get the baby back then. Sure enough, parents went out of town and left the baby with grandma. Grandma ALSO refused to give the baby back. Chuckles' parents drove over and the four of them went to take the baby back. Grandma...punched Chuckles in the face. Cops were called then, who basically said "Why are you not giving these people their baby back? You have no right to do that. Give them their baby back!" Chuckles and Giggles have now moved to another state and are living with Chuckles' parents.

And the kicker? Giggles is pregnant again.

I'm so glad they don't live with us anymore.

Karma is a bitch

2008-04-07T12:16:00.003-06:00

If you look at my last post, you will see that I said "things are relatively calm". Karma was apparently waiting for me to hit publish and when I did, she popped out and said "gotcha, bitch!"

Thursday night I ended up getting into another fight with my drunken brother. Drunk AND stoned, I should say. It started with a text message that said "Nobody want2 talk2 a drunklove?!" I sent one back asking him what in the hell he was talking about. I received a message back that said "UNO what the fuck? So thanku 4 the knowledge & the hello. HIGH" He then called me. I asked him if he'd been drinking and he said yes. I told him I didn't want to talk to him because he was unreasonable when drunk and he told me that it didn't matter, he was the same sober and drunk. Bear in mind that it was 11:10pm when this started. I told him I didn't have time for this, that I had class in the morning and needed to go to bed. Goodnight, Bro. He kept saying "sis, sis...wait." I repeated goodnight a few times, and hung up. I then got the next series of message in a row. First was "I still love U, butt c u at a later, still c U again!Goodness" followed by "Yes! I am drunk stones along & missing my seed of Missoree" (his daughter is in Missouri) and then "Suck it easy & loose my number! Feeling is mute", a repeat of the UNO text and ended with "Talk later when u get a grip on life & death, love & loss in life. Still love U throughout!" I have decided that I am no longer speaking to my brother when he's had anything to drink...and it is the first question I am going to ask him when he calls from now on. He no longer calls our sister when he's drunk because she lays into him...and I'm not going to either.

I am torn on the subject, though. On the one hand, he's my brother. Granted that he's been missing for 2/3 of my life, but he's still my brother. I want to try and help him, let him know that he has a support system. On the other hand...SO not my problem. He's 37 years old for pete's sake. He needs to grow up. You play the hand that life dealt you and you do the best you can with it. Yes, he had it rough growing up and yes, I had it easy comparatively speaking and so really I don't have room to talk. But I ALSO know that you can't live as a victim your whole life and you have to take responsibility for your actions. As my counselor told me "Things happen. What matters is not that they did, but how we react to them. No one can make you do things - it is your choice." I agree. I don't need my brother in my life, I don't want to put up with his shit and I don't have to...so I won't. I just hope I can stick to that.

Major update on the inlaws: They're MOVING OUT! WAHOO! JUMP FOR JOY! Everyone come on! Jump around! Dance in your living room! WOOT!!!! YEEHAW! Ok, now that I have THAT could of my system I suppose you want details. The bank finally got back to them, saying that they could not accept their bid but would accept $100K. I think I posted earlier that they originally thought they couldn't work that. Well, they have now gotten the loan approved through their bank and the payments are workable for them. Saturday they went and accepted the banks offer and signed papers. :) ROCK ON! I don't know how long until they move out - depends on the bank and the sellers. The house is currently occupied so I don't know how big of a time frame that gives us. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't a train!

There is more for me to tell you, as there is another chapter in the Chuckles and Giggles saga...but I have to go to class. I will also be making an update on Colorful Medication later on - a good update. :)

Blogoversary

2008-04-03T10:00:00.002-06:00

Once again I have let my blogoversary slip by me without a word. I have been writing here sporadically for 2 years as of March 31. Yay me?

As I came her today I realized it had been over a month since I'd written. Why? I don't know. Perhaps I don't have much to say these days, or I have so much going that I don't have time to write, or I'm just too lazy to remember. The truth is all three.

There really isn't much going on in my life at the moment. Everything is calm for once; I'm not stressing over anything too much. Mom is relatively stable - and I will post more on that on the blog I have dedicated to that scene. My inlaws are still living with us, although they have put a bid in on a house and are just waiting on the sellers bank to approve it. THAT'S a nightmare in the making - I'll get back to it in a second. I'm doing ok, despite having my first colonoscopy this past Tuesday. I'd had some bleeding that didn't want to quit for a few months so I got checked out. Tuesday was the day, and it took them 9 tries to finally get an IV in me, and they ended up putting in my foot after blowing out two veins in my hands. Blech. The semester is more than halfway over - I think I only have about 6 weeks left. I've got an A in my documenting class, will probably pass my health management class, and will be content if I manage to yank a C+ out of physiology.

Inlaws: The sale is a "short sale", meaning the sellers are willing to sell the house for less than they owe. They, however, do not get to make the decision - the bank down. I don't know what the house was going for, but they offered $93K. The got the approval on the loan from their bank last week. The sellers' bank is now 2 weeks late getting the inlaws an answer. Technically the bank has broken the contract, but my inlaws really want this house and so are willing to wait. MIL says "Well, at least they haven't declined us; rejections are swift" and she has a point. The bank has approved one short sale on this house before, for $108K, but they took so long that the buyers found another place. MIL and FIL won't be finding another place...this is what they want. I just can't believe that MIL isn't on their case about this - God knows I would be!

I'm sorry about the lack of updates - there's nothing exciting going on, so I don't really have anything to post. I keep promising myself I'll get better, but I don't. Eh - maybe someday, but don't hold your breath.

Not an actual person

2008-02-28T11:26:00.002-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that I am not an actual person. You may be saying "What do you mean, not an actual person?" Well, let me take this chance to explain it to you.

While I was going through all the injections and whatnot for my back last year, the option of a spinal cord stimulation pack surgery was suggested by one of the docs in the pain care center I was going to. Essentially, they figure out which nerves are firing inappropriately and insert an electrical blocker to those nerves. When I brought it up to the main doc, he told me that it was more for people with "actual injuries" such as those sustained by a break.

A few weeks ago, I went to see a doc on campus about getting a referral for a medical massage. One of the girls who works at the rec center told me about them and that they were good for people with fibromyalgia. My regular school doc (who also happens to be the medical director here...am I spoiled or what?!) isn't currently seeing any students because they have a new computer system and he's trying to work out the bugs. So...I had to see a new doc. I hate that, because they never listen. At any rate, he agreed to give me the referral but cautioned me "not to use the 2/month that insurance will pay for unless I absolutely need it because if I do then the therapists aren't available for use by people with 'actual pain'."

I have been trying since Friday to get back in to see this same doc (hell, if I have to see one I may as well see the same one - he'll learn eventually) about getting on an anti-depressant. I don't feel like I can keep dealing with all of this and school and work without a little help. I'm feeling pretty fragile and scary. For some reason the stupid people at the stupid medical center think it will take 45 minutes for a stupid appointment to get stupid anti-depressants even though they've prescribed the stupid things for me before. Yes, things are stupid. So that makes it hard to make the appointment, as they usually schedule appointments in 15 minute blocks. Add to this the fact that they do scheduling weird (call Friday afternoon for an appt Monday morning, Monday morning for Monday afternoon, Monday after 1pm for Tuesday morning...you get the idea) and it's even worse. I have class until 1:30 and by the time I call, they're full. I complained about that to the girl who answered the phone yesterday and she said "well, it is flu season so there are a lot of people who actually need to see the doc and we're short handed".

Lady, I ACTUALLY need to see the doc or I am ACTUALLY going to cause someone some ACTUAL pain! I did manage to get her to make me an appt for this afternoon. Now I just have to hope that the stupid doctor listens to me. If he won't I may have to get my counselor involved and I really don't want to do that. I also don't really want to be in my head anymore. I don't like it there - it's scary and unstable.

Speaking of pain, I wish whoever keeps beating me with a stick in my sleep would take a long walk off a very tall cliff into a deep lake and they can't swim. The fibro is kicking my ass again, only in a different way. Yeah, my hips and back still hurt like a mf'er, but I think i'm getting used to that. The constant ache of my muscles, the inability to stretch without feeling like my ribs have been beaten, not being able to scratch an itch without feeling like I used a razor blade to do it, and feeling like I've been stabbed if I happen to walk into something - that's really getting bad. It even hurts to scratch my head, which it didn't used to do. Goosebumps are a bitch. I feel like a punching bag. I know it's probably the cold and the stress that are doing it, but I'm done. Something somewhere has to give but I don't know what.

What to do?

2008-02-21T09:00:00.003-07:00

I know I haven't been writing here a lot lately. I could make excuses for myself, blame school and what's going on with my mother, but the truth is...I'm lazy. Beth's post gave me the courage to say that, even if it did bring to mind this song. :)

I'm lazy. I also don't have a lot to say lately. I have started a new blog called Colorufl Medication. Why a new blog when I don't keep up with this one? Well, that one details my attempt at dealing with moms cancer. This one has become less about IF and more about my life in general...but right now, I don't have a life in general. I have school, I have work, and I have mom's cancer. Soon I hope to post a little about the mess school has been and how it's all fixed now, but I don't have the mental attention right now. I'll get off on a tangent, I'm sure.

As of this moment I'm still not sure if I want to keep this blog open. Like I said, and I'm sure you've noticed, I don't blog in all that much any more. I like having it though, so I have a place to put random things, updates, etc. It gives me a place to remember things that have happened and how I felt about them and when they happened. If any of you want to follow me over to the other blog as well, you are more than welcome. Thank you for all of your comment on my post below - they've meant a lot. Comments give me the warm fuzzies. :) Thank you, for always being here for me to talk to.

Snow and other rants

2008-01-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

I hate the snow. I mean, I really hate it. I sit in my house and I look out the window and I curse at the evil snow that is falling from the sky. When it's not snowing, but there's snow on the ground, I look out my window and I curse the snow that's on the ground. Leaving the house when there's snow involves lots of cursing and grumbling and whining. Need I mention that my house is full of cuss words right now? It's been snowing all month! The 30-year average for the month of January is 4.2 inches...so far this year we've had 11.2!!! THERE'S SO MUCH GOD DAMNED FUCKING SNOW ON THE GROUND!

There is no end in sight.

According to the weather forecasters it's going to snow all week. As a matter of fact, they won't be at all surprised if this trend continues through February. I can't take it. It's cold and wet and slippery and cold and messy and did I mention cold? And evil? According to weather.com, it's currently 31* but feels like 17*, with winds from 25-30 mph gusts. IT'S COLD! It feels every degree of 17* and even that's warm compared to what I feel like it feels.

It's funny how life changes us. As a kid I loved the snow. LOVED it. Go outside and make snow forts and angels and have snowball fights. Even as a teen, impromptu snowball fights were common. I didn't mind the cold and often didn't wear gloves. Now...I hate the snow with an equal amount of fervor. Even a small bit of snow is enough to make me grumble, even when it doesn't make the road slick. I hate the cold - I hate being cold. I can never get warm in the winter. I'm afraid of falling; falling hurts a lot. All I want to do is sleep...I'm beginning to think I'm part bear. I'd like to hibernate for the whole winter.

Aaron says I'm depressed. With all this snow, who wouldn't be? (except you crazy people who actually LIKE this stuff) But even before the snow started falling I was evincing some major signs. All I want to do is sleep - and when I'm not sleeping, I want to be locked in my computer room playing games. Just leave me alone. I haven't seen our friends in almost a month...mostly because that would require me to leave the house. They WERE gaming over at our place on Sundays, before break, but Fred and Wilma decided THEY wanted to play again too...and that means gaming at their place because of the kids. Saturday nights are the only time that works for everyone, so Aaron goes over around 9pm (when Fred gets off work) and doesn't come home until about 2:30am. I get up at 5:30 Saturday mornings to go to work - the last thing I want to do is stay up until 3:00am Sunday! So I haven't been going. I"m going to start though - I need to get out of the house more. I miss my friends, I miss Wilma's son, I have to force myself to go out. I'm also exhausted all the time. Not sleepy-tired, just exhausted feeling. I guess that's a sign too.

I don't know what I'm going to do about my bio lab. I spent two hours in class this morning not understanding half of what was said. I have to go, to take a quiz. I can't afford to miss them. But it feels like a waste of my precious sleeping time to go where I'm not learning. If I go in and just take the quiz, then I have 4 hours before my next class. More wasting of time. I tried to see if there was a later lab available but I can't unless I drop my class and re-add it...which I don't want to do because I could get locked out. I'm just at a loss and might have to go talk to my advisor, who I believe to be a waste of the skin she's made of. Her brain cells (what few she has) could benefit someone who might actually use them.

Ok...enough ranting for now. My hands are frozen and it hurts to keep typing. I have typing class in an hour or so - maybe I'll go early and get the work done then. :)

My world

2008-01-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

I hope someone is still checking on me from time to time. I know it's been over a month since my last post, but perhaps when you read this you'll understand why.

I had finals the week before Christmas. I managed to pull an A- in my Medical Terminology class, B+ in Intro to Computers (Access kicked my ass), a C+ in Business Communications (despite not doing 2 major projects) and a C in my Anatomy class. Not too shabby, all things considered.

The day after finals were completed we left to go to my parents house to celebrate Christmas over the weekend. That Saturday we met my sister in Jackpot, NV and she brought my brother with her. I had paid for his bus ticket to her house and the ticket from my parents' house back to his place in Vegas. The first words out of my brother's mouth were "Look at that end table ass!" to which I replied "and look who's going to get his ribs broken if he doesn't watch his mouth". Lovely greeting for siblings who haven't seen each other in about 7 years, huh? The visit with my brother actually went pretty well. He's changing for the better, I think. We've been in contact since then, a few phone calls and text messages. Mom's happy.

Mom had another treatment the day after Christmas. She had a major allergic reaction to the chemo, which I guess they've been anticipating a bit. Apparently a lot of people have allergic reactions to it and when they do, it's usually around treatment 7 or 8...and that was mom's 7th treatment that year. She hadn't quite recovered from it before she had her next one, which was on the 16th of this month. She had to have a blood transfusion of 2 units because she was anemic. Dad was going to be busy between work and meetings and stuff for 4 days after her treatment so I went down on Thursday to take care of her. Good thing I did, I guess. I spent 4 lovely days cleaning up poop and puke, as well as doing dishes and laundry for her.

I came home on Sunday, because school started Tuesday. Monday mom called me and said I had to come back down to take care of her - she'd just thrown up all over herself and was rather upset. I guess throwing up from chemo is different than throwing up when you're sick - you don't have any warning. Monday night she got a bloody nose that they couldn't get to stop - they even tried shoving cotton balls up her nose! She laid down, but that didn't work - she started coughing up blood from it all draining. Dad took her to the ER Tuesday morning and she was anemic again. Her kidney function was also down to 15%, from 50% last Wednesday. She was supposed to get another transfusion but they didn't have the blood/platelets she needed, so they scheduled it for Wednesday morning. After that transfusion she had to go see the oncologist. The onco did a scan of kidney/spleen/bladder and didn't find anything, but she has to go in today, Friday, and Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday for saline infusions to try and jumpstart her kidneys.

Classes started Tuesday. I'm only taking 3 classes this semester for a total of 8 credits. I have Physiology (and lab), Document Processing, and Weight Management. After last semester I needed a light load. It's good, too, because it means I can go take care of mom after her treatments. My classes are relatively easy, so I can skip them if I need to. The only hard one is Physiology, and I've already made arrangements to get notes. I've talked with 2 of my professors and let them know what's going on with mom, and both have been understanding about me potentially missing classes and will work with me. One of them (my favorite, Dr. Lonsdale) suggested I go talk to one of the school counselors to help me, so I have an appointment on Monday with the one she recommended to me.

I started going to a new pain care doc in December. He was willing to switch me from Lyrica/Welbutrin back to the Cymbalta. I gained 20 pounds on the Lyrica in just a few months - I can't handle that, and I can't afford the meds. The doc is slowly upping my Cymbalta to the correct 120mg dosage to handle fibromyalgia. If I can remember to take them, I'll be doing good. I'm not so good at that part - but if I go more than a few days without, I hurt like an SOB. Like today. Today is a bad day - hip is killing me and I have weight management class this afternoon. I don't know what's going to be involved, but I'm really hoping it's not exercise today. I don't want to have to get a docs note saying I have fibro and have limitations, especially since he seems to think that doing group activities (such as swimming classes) or a lot of walking will help. I've ranted about that before - today just reaffirms my beliefs.

In between all this, I've been playing WoW and trying to function. I'm depressed to the point where I'm having a hard time getting out of bed, and when I DO manage to get up I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get dressed, take a shower, eat, leave the house...nothing. I just want to shut myself in my computer room and stay there. I promise I'll try to do better at writing again, especially now that I'm back in school and there are things going on. I have been a very bad friend - I apologize to those who write blogs, as I haven't been reading them for the past several weeks. I"m working on getting caught up, but if you'd all do me a favor and just leave a comment letting me know any major (or minor/exciting) developments in your life (good and bad) perhaps it will be a bit easier. If you're still here, thanks for sticking around. If you've stumbled over to me from Mel's Creme de la Creme, welcome to my place - I don't write regularly, but I try. I"m sorry this post is rambly - I hope it makes sense. It's a bit like my head these days.

I'm so proud! sniff

2007-12-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

I got my first semi-rude comment on my blog yesterday! I'm so proud - I feel like a real blogger now. So you don't have to go find it, I'm going to post it here...and then I'm going to dissect just what's wrong with it. :)

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "The drama llama has arrived":

So not only would going to the gym help you lose weight but it would also help your disease and yet you "can't find time" Somehow you manage to find time to be online constantly. Hmmm.

It's only semi-rude, because they do have a point...sorta.

Going to the gym is supposed to be able to help me feel better. It will not help me lose weight - never has, because my weight issue is not due to overeating. Aside from having PCOS and metabolic syndrome (which go hand-in-hand most of the time), I also have Wilson's syndrome. These three together make it next to impossible for me to lose weight just by going to the gym. At the beginning of the year, I was below 200. In the past year, I have gone back up to 215...which is where I was two years ago. It took me 2 years to lose 15 pounds...and what did it was starting two new meds at the same time. I lost those 15 in a month...but didn't lose anymore.

All of that was also before my fibro got to the point where it is now, where everything hurts all the time and I don't even want to move...and not moving hurts too. Exercise hurts more at the beginning but will get easier as I go, or so they tell me. THEY, however, don't have fibromyalgia and thus do not understand that I have to convince myself that MORE PAIN is obviously the answer to LESS PAIN. I fail to see how that works. You want me to cause myself even more pain than I already have, on the theory that it will help me to have less pain? Oh, and look - the medication they're giving me for the fibro causes weight gain! Huh...no wonder I've packed on 15 pounds in the last TWO MONTHS since I've been on it.

As for being online constantly, I'm actually not. I appear to be, as I leave my browser open to a forum I belong to because it's one of the first things I check in the morning. My messengers are also on 24/7, so people can leave me messages. I'm going to assume that dear Anony is from the forum, as I can't think of any other place where I would register as being online constantly that I also have a blog link. I'm also going to assume that dear Anony is new to that forum, since they visited me. :) I could be wrong, but since they weren't willing to put a name to the comment so I could address them directly instead of here, I'll just have to go on my assumptions until proven otherwise.

It's time for me to get dressed (which should take about 30 minutes instead of 10 because today is a bad hip day) and go see the doc (who is going to chew me out for not going to the gym). I'm going to have to explain to him why I haven't had time - between being a full time student with classes/papers/projects/tests galore and working 25 hours a week and running my household I just haven't had time this semester. I will try to work it into my routine for next semester - interrupting a routine at the end of the semester is just asking for trouble. I also have a Biology Lab exam today, as well as my Med Term test (possibly). I have to turn in a project that I have failed miserably on because I don't understand Access and maybe work on a presentation for tomorrow. In leaving, I'd like to ask everyone to please use a name when submitting comments, and maybe a way to contact you so I don't have to do this again. :) Thanks for reading, all, and sorry it was so long.

The drama llama has arrived

2007-12-03T13:04:00.000-07:00

and it appears to have taken up permanent residence in my house. If you know anyone whose life could use a little drama, please direct them to me. I will gladly give it over.

1) I have finally been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I've suspected it for about 5 years or so, but suddenly someone is taking me seriously. I have a new pain care doc. He pushed a few places (all trigger points for fibro) and all of them hurt to varying degrees. He's got me back on Lyrica and wants me to go to the gym 5-6 times a week and ride the bike. That was almost a month ago and I haven't make it once. Between school, work, and life I just don't have time. Not even for 15 minutes.

2) Giggle and Chuckles moved out, yeah? WOO! Guess what? Friday night, when Chuckles came home, Giggles had taken the baby and all of their belongings (hers and the baby's) and left - gone to live with her parents. No word to anyone - she didn't call her school, the utilities companies, welfare office, me, wilma...no one. Just...left. Chuckles called the cops, since he didn't have any proof of where she was only that she and the baby were gone. SHE told the cops that she filed abuse charges against him. Physical, mental, emotional. WTF?! I'm beginning to think she's as manipulative as her mother. This has been planned - it had to have been. Just looking back, I know it was. For how long, I can't say - but I bet several months. Today it turns out that she did NOT file charges - she lied to an officer. I hope she's in so much trouble. I'm furious with her at this point and trying to help Chuckles, without actually fixing anything because I've been ordered not to get involved up to my eyebrows.

3) Mom started her chemo two weeks ago. She called me on Tuesday to warn me that had shaved her hair down to about 1/4", because her scalp hurt and she was certain that her hair was going to fall out and she wanted me to be warned. She came up to see me on Wednesday and we went to the TSO concert. It was a blast. Thursday night, Wilma brought her babies over so mom could see them. We were supposed to have dinner with Giggles, but Wilma canceled due to stress. Turns out that was a good thing. At any rate, while we were sitting on the couch with the babies, moms scalp started hurting again. She reached up to tug her hair (which she does a lot) and pulled out a chunk of hair!!! She then proceeded to pull out tuft after tuft of hair...very disturbing to watch. She says it didn't hurt, but DAMN! She also thinks that the cancer is in her lungs and that the docs just haven't found it yet. She says the chemo is going to kill her before the cancer does. I know she's trying to be realistic, but it kills me...and I will never let her know that. I have to be strong for her.

Two weeks until finals - this week and next. Finals are the week before Christmas. I have two papers due this week in bus com, a project due in Intro to Computers before next Friday, at least one more quiz in Med Term before next Friday. I also have a quiz in IC and a test before the 20th, a test in Med Term by then, a bio test on the 17th and a presentation on a paper I haven't written in Bus Com in the next two weeks. ACK! Also have to find time to go Christmas shopping for Aaron, mail presents to a few friends - and I don't think I'm going to get cards out this year, which just sucks.

The day after finals we are going to see mom for the weekend, just before Christmas. We'll be doing Christmas with my parents and my sister's family in Jackpot, NV...and possibly my brother, if my sister gets him a ticket. I'm not really looking forward to that part - I haven't seen my brother in about 7 years and haven't talked to him in 4...since the Christmas just after Aaron and I got married. My brother never even met the man I was engaged to between my ex-husband and Aaron...and hasn't ever met Aaron either. I called him to tell him we were engaged (Aaron and I) and he said "That's nice. Can you put $25 on my phone?" Christmas that year he called mom's while I was there and mom told him I was there with my husband, to which he replied "Jen's married?" Duh, bro...that usually happens when you get engaged. Not always...but usually. So yeah, not really looking forward to that but he should be there, just in case this is mom's last Christmas as she expects. I will make it nice.

Time for me to go. Need to work on papers and talking about my brother gets me very upset. Love you all - thanks for sticking around. I know I'm terrible about updating....and not doing so well with the reading lately either.

All of my news - all at one!

2007-11-09T16:05:00.000-07:00

Some of the best news ever: Giggles and Chuckles are moving out. You heard me right. As I type this, Chuckles is packing things up and moving it to their new apartment. It happens to be down near the college, but it's far enough away for me for now.

Other news (TRIG WARNING): Giggles had her baby on Monday. Or rather, Tuesday morning. At 4:30 Monday afternoon, while I was playing games, she came to me and said "Um, Jen?" 'yes hun?' "Um...I think my water broke..." I turned to look at her and she was mildly panicked. :) I asked her what happened and sure enough...she didn't break her water but it was definitely leaking. I piled her and Chuckles into the car (where she proceeded to leak ALL OVER MY CAR SEAT all the way to the hospital, through the blanket I put under her) and took them. At 6:00 or so, Aaron and MIL arrived. At 9:00, SIL arrived and took MIL home - which was good, because she was irritating Giggles. AT about 1:00am Giggles started pushing. I helped! I got to count to ten x3 with each contraction. I also got to shush Chuckles a few times. :) Baby was born at 3:33 on November 6. I am still recovering - my muscles are sore from helping.

So baby, giggles and chuckles are all moving. No more crying, wailing baby in the house. I almost crawled out of my skin yesterday as baby wailed for several hours straight. Giggles is having some trouble breastfeeding - she isn't producing enough, so she's having to supplement with formula. She and baby are gone to her parents for a week. She won't be coming back to live at the house as Chuckles will have everything moved by then. YAY! WOOHOO! JUMP FOR JOYOUSNESS!

It's been a rough few days. Wednesday was one of those days when you just know you did something to piss Karma off because she's on your ass like a flea on a dog. Thursday was ok and today has been ok too. Tired as all hell, but I'm alright. I get to catch up on sleep on Sunday. :) Sunday is also Wilma's birthday. A week from today Aaron and I are going on vacation to Seaside, OR for the weekend. His birthday is on the 20th, so it's an early bday present. A few days away from parents, in a hotel where his wife can relax and will hopefully give him good sexing. :) Or so he says...wife might just decide that being drunk and sleeping is a good thing. LOL

I'm sorry for the lack of updating recently, with everything that's going on. I just wanted to make sure they were ACTUALLY moving out before I said anything so I didn't jinx myself. In the meantime, Baby showed up and made it all worse...and better. I'll get used to it. I'm doing better, after having a heart to heart with Wilma. She instinctively knew why I hadn't been around much and was intentionally not pushing me, even though she missed me. She said "I can't begin to fathom what you're going through. No one can. All I can do is try to get an inkling and try to understand from there, and recognize that I will never know how you truly feel." It's so wonderful to have friends IRL who get it....or rather, realize that they never will. They don't say things like "You'll have to get over it some day" like my MIL did on Sunday. We won't go there...just know that there was a HUGE fight immediately following.

Ok...enough typing for one day. Hands are starting to hurt. One more week until Thanksgiving Break and then 3 weeks until Finals! OMG!

God/Karma has a funny sense of humor

2007-11-02T12:22:00.000-06:00

UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM
And I'm really tired of being the butt of the joke.

It's official: Giggles and Chuckles are moving out on November 9th. The joke? The baby is due on the 8th. I may not have to wait that long, however. Three days ago she had a doc's appointment. Her doctor told her that she was 75% effaced and that she could feel the baby's head. This led me to think that she's going to have this child before her due date.

I was right, I think. This morning, at 8am, Chuckles took Giggles to the hospital. Her contractions were pretty strong and close together. I got a call from my MIL a bit ago to update me - I had asked her to, because I HATE surprises. I want to know what to expect when I get home from class tonight. Apparently the baby is ok, but they can't wake her. I assume this means that the baby isn't moving much. They're a little worried and keeping a close eye on Giggles and baby. It's sounding more and more like they're going to do a C-section. My heart just plummeted...and even typing the words out makes it feel like my heart is in my stomach.

I can do this, right? I can handle it for a week. Aaron thinks I should take mom's advice. Mom, upon hearing how upset I was after being around Wilma and her newest, said "I think you should go talk to Wilma. Tell her how you're feeling. Hold the baby a lot. You'll get used to it and be ok." I love my mother, but sometimes she's so dense. What am I going to say? "Wilma, I love you. You're my best friend in the whole world. I'm happy that you have two kids - I really am. I love your kids to pieces. However, I cannot stand to watch you bond with your newest. It's killing me. I can't be around you, because you have to bring him with you...and I get that. He needs you and all is cool. I just can't watch the bonding." Yeah...that's going to go over well.

I got to hold him over the weekend and it was fine - I don't have a problem with that. I actually got him to sleep - soundly. I'm great with babies and kids. That's where the problem lies. I'm kick ass with kids - and yet I don't have any. I bond with kids - but I don't have any. Instead I get to watch my friends and family bond with their kids while I stand on the sidelines and watch through the glass. Sometimes I can pretend I'm on the inside - like when I get to hold them. No one seems to see the naked longing that must be on my face as I gaze at the small creature in my arms. Sometimes I pretend that I don't like children - like when they're being loud and noisy - because it's simply easier that way. It's so much easier to retreat into the anger and hate than it is to deal with the other emotions that are evoked.

To move off that topic: I'm giving up on my current pain care doc. I'm trying to get in to see another one. I think my current one is just a needle jockey - he wanted to do another set of injections that would equal out to ten or so by the time they were done. I'm so not willing to do that unless forced. On the up side, the latest medication he put me on seems to be helping a little bit. The burning pain in my hips has subsided. They still hurt, but not as bad. My back is still giving me fits - the knot of pain that left after the last injection two weeks ago has reappeared this morning. I've also got a numb spot the size of a fist that I've had for years - but it's getting more insistent. It used to happen every so often, but not often enough for me to remember when the last time was. Now it's happening every day if not several times a day. No fun. It doesn't hurt, but it sure as hell feels really weird. :) I'm hoping that the new guy is better than the last one - otherwise I might give up entirely!

School is kicking my ass. I have 3 papers due today and I haven't written any of them. :( Biology is HARD - I'll be content if I pull a C something in this class. I'm looking into switching my majors into something more appropriate for me - just a plain old Office Specialist. I can do that. I've done that. The degree will just make it easier to get a job. The state is always looking for them - I don't care what department I work in, just give me a job that makes me money!!! :)

I'm sorry this post has been so long and such a downer. I'm a whiner, it's true. :) I just know y'all will understand. Aaron understands too, but I think he gets tired of it. Hell, when giggles told me what the doc said, I whimpered when she left the room. Aaron said "Yeah, that was about my thoughts on things. I'm sorry hun." He knows - he just knows me. But...it's not fair to him. At least you have the option not to listen to me - he's stuck! I love all of you. The supportive comments have meant a lot to me lately - thank you for caring and letting me know you're there.

UPDATE: Giggles came home around 1:30 with the following instructions: Count the movements. If you don't have X number in two hours, come back. If your contractions are closer than 5 minutes, come back. Well, when Aaron got home he checked in with her. Apparently the baby isn't moving like she should, but they're giving it another 30 minutes. At that point it had been 4 hours! They should have gone back! She decided instead to eat something sugary and see if it helped. WTF? I am so tired of this. Does she not realize how serious this can be? I know, the child could be ok...but she could also be under stress and that's not good. I officially wash my hands of anything that may or may not happen. She refuses to listen to doc orders. I am so angry at her right now.

Kicks to the Gut

2007-10-19T13:11:00.000-06:00

There is more coming to my "Pardon Me, Miss" post, but I'll save it for another day. Right now...right now I have other things to whine about. Really, that's all this blog seems to be anymore - a place for me to whine about how life is unfair and painful and I'm tired of it. But really, that belongs in the Bitter post.

Last night I went out with Wilma and another friend to a place where you can paint ceramics. The company has the pieces already - you just go in, purchase one, sit down and paint it. They fire it for you and everything. Well, Wilma brought her baby, which is only to be expected since he's a mere 16 days old. Not that I can believe she brought her child out to a place where there are a lot of other people before he was 6 weeks old, but that's a whole other opinion that I should keep to myself. At any rate, I knew she was bringing him and I figured I could handle it for a few hours. I did.

Barely.

I almost burst into tears when she left. Had I not been in a public place with another friend, I just might have. I had watched Wilma interact with her baby in the only way that a mother can. To see that bond between them, to see her react to her child's cries...it felt like a physical kick to the gut. I tried to escape by going to get food, but she tagged along. There was no breathing room. No way to escape the pain. No way to express it.

It's odd...she doesn't see herself in the same camp as Giggles. We were talking about Giggles and Chuckles being in the house and how I don't want them there. I had mentioned that I really didn't want the baby born while they were still under my roof but that I don't really have a whole lot of say in the matter. Giggles is ripening and is also 37 weeks along - a few more weeks and she'll be having this child. I doubt they'll be out of our home by then. I've tried to convince myself that I just need to come to terms with this fact...but instead I find myself raging and crying a lot. Wilma says "You don't need to put up with that, Jen. They don't understand. Hell, Chuckles still thinks you can get pregnant. All you have to do is have lots and lots of sex, you know. ;) You don't need to have that in your life, and having a child in your house is going to be really hard on you." Funny, that. She doesn't seem to understand that it's just as hard for me to be around her now that she has another child.

The first one wasn't so bad...but we hadn't even gone to an RE yet. We were 7 months into trying when she announced she was pregnant the first time. We still thought we had a chance, that it would just take a little while. Now the second one has arrived and we know we're down for the count. This will not happen for us. Ok, so if I'm absolutely truthful, we have a 1% chance every month. Yes, it theoretically could happen. Yes, miracles do happen all the time. I can't live like that anymore. It's simply easier to say "It will never happen". Wilma doesn't understand that her second child is a lot harder for me to deal with than her first one was. Perhaps on his own, it wouldn't have been TOO bad...but his playmate will be along shortly. I feel like I just can't watch that bonding go on before my eyes, under my roof, every day and know that I will never have that experience. God, just writing this feels like a kick in the gut - I'm almost in tears.

Do you think my DH understands? A little. But he also thinks I'm being a little silly. He says "Honey, you can't resent every baby. That's no way to live your life." I said "I don't resent every baby. I see lots of babies every day and I do not resent them. I don't hate their mothers. I DO resent the ones in my life every day, the ones in my face, the ones that say 'see me? you can never have me.' Those are the ones I resent." Perhaps Aaron is right. Perhaps I am being silly. I can't decide if I'm in the wrong because I don't want to be forced to put up with this anymore or if I'm just being stubborn and being a victim. CAN I deal with this? CAN I put up with having a child in my home? Yes. Do I want to? No. So am I wrong because I don't want to force myself to deal with this if I don't absolutely have to? Don't answer that...it's more or less rhetorical. It's just another sign of my inner battle.

Pardon me, Miss...your bitter is showing

2007-10-17T22:48:00.000-06:00

That about sums me up these days. Bitter. I'm talking OJ & toothpaste bitter here, people. What's got me so bitter? I'm glad you asked.

Let's get the obvious out of the way. I haven't seen Wilma since her baby boy was born 15 days ago. We're supposed to go out painting tomorrow with another friend and she's bringing baby with her (I think), so that should be fun. Or not. Other friend doesn't like children - period. She never wants to have them. She'd prefer other people didn't have them either, but that's their choice. She's also 18, so I give her time to mature. :) At any rate, I'm going to be stuck for a few hours with a newborn that I've apparently been avoiding. I mean, how hard is it for me to take a few hours some night and go over to her house to see her? It's not like she lives far away - maybe 10 minutes. I could have gone on Friday, between classes, or sometime on Monday...but I didn't. I'm a terrible friend and I will never admit that I'm avoiding her. Her baby is adorable. I've successfully avoided baby fever the entire time she's been pg, and the entire time Giggles has been living here...only to be blindsided by it an hour after he was born. The night the baby was born, another friend of ours was talking about coming to grips with the fact that his friends were having another child. I told him "Don't worry, J. I won't make you deal with my kids." He says "That's probably a good idea. Keep them away from Uncle J." I said "No, I just won't have any." It struck me then just how bitter I was becoming.

Giggles. Giggles keeps having contractions. She keeps going to the hospital and they keep sending her home. Last week when she went in, her cervix was dilated to 2. She went to the doc yesterday and there's been no change. Tonight, however, her contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and strong enough to bring tears to her eyes. Off to the hospital they went again. I swear, I do not know what I am going to do if they bring home their baby girl. I've been more or less ignoring the fact that Giggles is pregnant simply by not talking about it too much. I've become a hermit, spending a large amount of my time in my computer room. I haven't been in my living room hardly at all for the past few months - just for the occasional movie. I've just given it over as THEIR domain. I've also been hoping against hope that they would find a place before this child is born - and I don't care if it's the day before or if the move makes her go into labor. I WANT THEM OUT BEFORE THAT CHILD IS BORN! I do NOT want a child in this house that is not mine. I realize this is selfish and you know what? I don't give a fucking rat's ass. There is no room. My sanity can't take it. I don't need the sleep dep that's going to come along with having a child across the hall. And these are all excuses for the real reason: It's not mine.

My back. I'm losing all faith in my doctors. I had my 4th injection yesterday - and it didn't work. Doc says the next step is to burn out the nerve (a rhizotomy). I don't think so. I like my nerves right where they are. This also isn't a permanent fix - nerves grow back after 6-9 months and with it comes the pain. I don't want a fucking temporary fix. I'm tired of the pills and the injections and the pain. I'm tired of not being able to walk anywhere. Six months ago walking around campus was no big deal - now it feels like several miles to walk even a short distance and I'm totally wiped. I'm tired of not being able to have sex with my husband because my hips hurt too much (the pain is spreading). I'm tired of not being able to even cuddle with him because he sleeps on my right and the right hip is the worst. It hurts to sit. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! First IF stole it...and just as I was trying to reclaim it, the pain hit hard. I'm just so fucking tired of it all. And I'm tired of being tired. I don't believe that docs can fix me any more. I think they see me as a money pit because I'm desperate for relief. I can't be on the hope roller-coaster. IF sucked that right out of me and I just can't make myself get on it for anything anymore.

I know there's more that's bothering me, but the keyboard is starting to blur from the Ambien I took a few minutes ago. It's 11:00 and I have to be up at 5:30 because my boss decided she needed me at the last minute. So...up early, then bio lab, then a night with Wilma and her baby. I don't think I like tomorrow very much and I'm not even through today yet...

Confessions of a _____ Soul

2007-10-05T16:11:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure what category these fall under, or what's even going to come out when I write, but I have to put it down somewhere.

I started reading blogs about the time I started writing mine - a little over a year. In that time I've picked up quite a few blogs that I read regularly - more than just what's on my sidebar. The problem is that I'm not terribly interested in some of them any more. I don't know why, I'm just not. But I can't stop reading them. Why? Because I feel guilty if I try to. I feel like I should continue reading these people because I am a part of their listener base, their support system. It's not right that I just go away when they aren't interesting to me anymore - that's not fair. They aren't writing for my benefit - they are writing for their own...

..and yet I write mine in the hopes that others will read it. I hope that my blog helps other people, even though it's just about my life now and no longer primarily about infertility. Yes, infertility and my struggles with coping play a part...but it's not the primary reason for this place anymore. Now it's a place for me to vent, to put my thoughts out there for other people to read. It's selfish. I want people to listen to me as I scream, I want their support as I go through the same hard times that everyone else goes through. Part of me thinks I'm just being my usual melodrama self and that you're just tolerating me and that this is the reason I don't have many readers. Not that I don't appreciate those that I do, because I do. But I get envious of those whose blogs I stumble upon whose every post has 10-15 comments.

Jealousy. That's another big thing I feel these days. And it's silly as all hell, but it's still there. I get jealous when I see the same names pop up in different blogs all over the place, when the same people get tagged for meme's and awards and whatnot. It's pitiful and pathetic that the blogosphere should make me feel like this. And now, if anyone DOES tag me, I will always wonder if it's because they read this post and catered to me to make me feel better.

I'm miserable these days, can't you tell? I'm in the middle of a HUGE fight with Aaron, which makes me utterly depressed. I'm a negative Nelly (apologies to anyone named Nell around here) and I don't know how to get out of the hole I've sunk in to. I'm not even sure I care enough to try. As I used to say "pardon me while I lay here in the street and bleed a bit."

Updates with Triggers

2007-10-04T08:04:00.000-06:00

NEW UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM!!
So I'm a day late and a dollar short, but it's better than nothing! :)

Thanks, Beth, for asking if I'm still alive. I am, but just barely. It was a very very stressful weekend but I did not kill anyone. Except my fertility goddess...she's broken...but my fertility was already broken so I'm not sure it matters. My kitchen floor and wall are done and we're starting to put things back. Aaron and his dad managed to tear 2 holes in my brand new linoleum while putting the fridge back so i have to look into getting that fixed.

Mom's test on Thursday came back clean - no breast cancer that they can find. So it's back to the blood drawing board for her until they can find it. I think she's about ready to give up and just wait for it to show itself.

Wilma and Fred had their baby on Tuesday night. She wasn't supposed to be induced until the 10th, but when she got up she was bleeding pretty heavily. She understandably flipped and called the doc, who ordered her to the hospital. They did a blood test and there were baby cells in her blood, so they came to the conclusion that the placenta was pulling away. Rather than let her wander around until it completely detached and because a true emergency, they decided to go ahead and take him that day. :) So there's a new 7 pound 15 ounce addition...yay! On the selfish side, it means that she won't be able to come to Giggles baby shower this Sunday. I was hoping to have a few friends around that I knew, who would know what it was like (even a little) for me to be there. I don't want her bringing her newborn (who was put in the NICU yesterday because he was having troubles breathing but is ok now) into a house full of smoke.

Ok...I have an appt I have to go to and all of this was written in a drug-induced haze. YAY for Ambien....BOO for not getting enough sleep for it to wear off. Please pardon me if some of this makes no sense. I will try to update more on what's going on with me once I can focus again.

UPDATE AS OF 12:30pm MST: I do believe AF just reared her ugly and yet welcomed head. Today was CD46. If she chooses to stick around and actually flow, that would mean that the first of this long cycle was 23 days, and this one is that long as well...both of which are normal for me. Let's hope that she doesn't disappear again! And NOW I can go rub Mom's face in the fact that I KNEW I wasn't pg and she should just listen to me when I tell her it's all normal!!! :)

Conversations in a dental chair and other things

2007-09-26T09:06:00.000-06:00

I had an appointment at the dentist yesterday to get my teeth cleaned. It wasn't my regular dentist or even his assistant who did the cleaning, but someone totally new. While she was cleaning, the following conversation took place:

(H = hygenist, M = Me)

H: So, do you have kids?
M: (oh god...here we go again) Nope.
H: You're lucky.
M: We've been trying for 3 1/2 years.
H: Oh, so you probably want them.
M: (Duh) Yeah, but we can't have them.
H: You could always adopt. There are lots of children that need homes.
M: (oh my god...where do people get off?) Well, if I had $18K just sitting around with nothing else to do with it, I'd certainly contemplate it.
H: Oh my! I had no idea it cost that much!
M: Once you include lawyer fees and agency fees and all the paperwork and home studies...yeah, it does. It's only slightly less expensive to adopt out of country.
H: You'd think that with so many kinds needing places to go it wouldn't be so expensive. I personally know 3 couples who've adopted children from...China, I think.
M: (Congrats lady - I know a whole community) It's just not feasible for us.
H: Well, you could always borrow my 14 year old for a week. I guarantee you won't want kids after that.
M: (sits in silence so as not to scream at her about the teens living in her house, or the pregnant friend with her second child on the way or the pregnant lady living in her house)

Where do people get off? It's really odd that this conversation took place when it did because I had just gotten done reading this story in the local paper. It's about people who have large families and the looks/comments they get...and how society feels free to barge in on a personal decision such as that. Or the lack of children. If you have no children, people pity you. If you have one, people always ask when you are having the next one. If you have three, people make comments like "Don't you know what causes that?" or "Why do you have so many?" or some such. Society likes us having our 2 kids...and that's it.

Today is our 4 year anniversary! We're staying here tonight, in the Carriage Room (I think). Aaron took tomorrow off so we could spend the day together. Some days I can't believe we've made it this far. I'm so blessed to have him for a husband. He understands me so well...most of the time. Mom says he's the perfect husband for me - and I think she's right (as usual).

Life is so packed right now. In between work and school, the drywallers are coming over the next 3 days to put the wall back up behind my washing machine and dryer. Mom is coming up tomorrow and staying for 5 days. I have a lab exam tomorrow for which I am woefully prepared because I've been spending so much time trying to fix everything else. I meet with my back doctor today to discuss the next step in treatment...which involves putting leads inside my vertebrae and connected to my spinal column, which are then attached to a generator. The generator blocks the pain signal coming from the specific area that hurts. I don't know that I want to do this, but I don't have much choice anymore. Sometime next week the floor guy should be coming in to finish my kitchen floor.

Just 6 more weeks until Thanksgiving break...I think. Maybe THEN I can breathe a little.

Unresolved issues

2007-09-24T12:05:00.001-06:00

I just got a call from mom. The good news is that the cancer isn't in her lungs, brain, liver or kidneys. The bad news is that they still don't know where it is. There is something going on in the left quadrant of her body, however. There is a mass in her left breast, but they don't know if it's a tumor or just scar tissue from when she had breast cancer 4 years ago. They couldn't do her MRI mammogram on Wednesday because they couldn't get her shoulders into the machine without suffocating her. She is coming up here on Thursday to get one done - there is a cancer institute here in Boise that has WAY better machinery. So she's coming up and will probably stay through Tuesday morning. She says "So the good news is that I'm not dying...yet". :) Go mommy and her sense of humor! Sorry I don't have any better information for y'all, but I'm passing on what I get. Thanks so much for all the prayers and kind words of support...it means a lot to me.

On other fronts, I am trying to face the fact that my mother may not live to see me give her grandchildren. I've always kept in the back of my mind the idea that I might, someday, get pregnant through a miracle of nature. I know that it's not really realistic, but it's still a thought. Considering that I'm having a hard time still with dealing with the idea of not having children...I think I'm doing pretty well. But then I thought about mom dying and never getting to see the children I might someday have...and was almost tempted to start treatments again. IVF, IUI, adoption...whatever. Just please let me give my mom grandkids. Let them get to know her, so they don't have to know her through stories like I did for her parents. I am not ready to start treatments again though and am not sure I ever will be again.

Yesterday I held a baby shower for Wilma. Thankfully she and Giggles were the only preggos there so it wasn't too bad...although I was ready to kill her daughter by the time I left. In two weeks, however, life is going to SUCK. I'm holding a baby shower for Giggles on the 7th. She's planning on inviting a bunch of girls from her school. She attends a school for pregnant girls who want to graduate but can't go to regular school either because they are pregnant and will have to take time off, or because they had to drop out to have the child and can't afford daycare. The school had a nursery and daycare in it, so they can still go to school. Well...you see where this is going. I'm going to be SURROUNDED by women in various stages of pregnancy. In my house. Where I can't leave to escape. Ugh. I think I must be crazy. Oh well...I suppose I shall survive.

Ok...enough procrastinating for me. I need to go study and do some homework. Love all of you! *MUAH*

The waaaaaiting is the hardest part

2007-09-21T10:06:00.000-06:00

/Tom Petty song

I went to the doc this morning and talked to him about my missing AF. As of today, she is 5/7/9 days late. The doc asked me about my stress levels...yes, they're through the roof but I've been here before and it's done nothing but make my cycles 28 days instead. I tried to explain that, and the 31 day chemical pg. As soon as he noted there was a little variation, he decided that we should give it another cycle to show up. If not, he'll do a progesterone challenge. A wha-huh? I'm going to assume Provera, since I can't think of anything else. Joy. I get to wait another month, which means that when she DOES show it's going to be a real bitch. I'm guessing that the longer you go without a cycle the more ick and the heavier it will be? I have no experience with this...I'm adrift in the infertility sea and I'm not used to that.

Also on the topic of waiting: I spoke to my mom this morning. They did her mammogram and the MRI mammogram on Wednesday - she should get those results on Monday. They also managed to get her in for that PET scan yesterday instead of next week. She will probably get those results on Monday as well. So the wait is on...just a few more days.

I keep getting ahead of myself with all of this. I"ve gotten myself totally freaked out, thinking "What am I doing to do with dad when she dies? We aren't exactly close anymore and I can't relate to him and he's not even remotely open about his feelings. How will I help him grieve? How will I take care of him? That house is too big for just him, even though it's a small house. He couldn't even manage to take care of it and himself when mom was in the hospital...let alone never coming home again. He refuses to pay the bills, even though mom told him what to pay when. He just saved it up and took it to her once a week so she could do them. How is he going to cope? Would it be better for him to stay there? Move to Burley where his job is? Move back 'home' to MA with his family? Move here with me? But if he does that I will feel compelled to check in on him several times a week. There's a reason my parents are 200 miles away. But he's my dad - it's my job to take care of him. Who is going to plan the funeral? Will mom want me to sing? CAN I sing? I think I know what she'd want me to sing but I don't know if I can do it then. It's hard normally! Where will she want to be buried? Where she's lived for the past 25 years? Flown back to MA and buried with her family? If she does that it means cremation - can we handle that? Will my brother attend the funeral? do I want him to? Will there be a will, since my father is still alive, or does everything automatically transfer to him? I'm sure he'll give me her clothes, since I'm the one who is her size...but do I want them? Can I make myself get rid of them, knowing they were mom's? What do I do????" (insert heart rending, soul searing wail from the core of my being here)

This is what's been going round and round and round in my brain since Monday. I know I'm ahead of myself...we have to get through the dx and treatment (if any) first. She may not die for years and years...or it could be next week. None of this is really my responsibility, but I always have to have a plan. Without a plan I'm lost.

I'm lost.

The results are in

2007-09-19T10:24:00.000-06:00

Does it get much more negative than 1?

I took a test this morning because they told me yesterday that I wouldn't get my results until Friday when my CBC came back. I called this morning to ask them to please call the lab, because had I known it was going to be 3 days I wouldn't have wasted my money. They called me back with a 1.

So...I'm 3/6/9 days late depending on the cycle. I'm very obviously not pregnant. AF shows no signs of arriving. Color me really fucking confused.

Just the facts, Ma'am

2007-09-19T03:52:00.000-06:00

I apologize in advance if this rambles a lot or has a lot of typos. It's almost 4am and I can't sleep. The meds I was taking to help me stay asleep have stopped working so I've stopped taking them. Once again I'm awake every night at exactly 3am...only I couldn't get back to sleep this time. As I laid in bed, trying to will myself back to sleep, I got to thinking about several things. I've decided to put these things down here, in an effort to get them out of my brain.

1) I have to face the fact that I may very well lose my mother this time. Apparently she and my sister talked about a month or so ago about what would happen if she ever got cancer again - before she ever knew about this. My sister told her that she felt like she'd given it a good fight; she'd done all the treatments and it keeps coming back. If mom doesn't want to do any treatments this time, my sister will not fight her on it. Mom already knew where I stand...in the same place I always do. I love my mother with all my heart and soul but I will not stand in the way of her decision. It is her choice and I will abide by it. I will not make it harder, I will not let her see how hard it is for me, I will not let her feel guilt for it. I will protect her from others to the best of my abilities and will be there whenever she needs me. She knows this - it has always been my role in her life. I am not ever going to be ready to lose my mother, but I have to learn to accept that she will not always be here. I mean, I've obviously always known that she wouldn't live forever, but it will always be too soon.

2) Giggles is going to have this child while living in my house. Her doc wants her to try very hard to keep it in for another week and a half and then she is permitted to have it. Regardless of timing, though, I don't think they are going to be out of my house before the child is born. I am going to have to come to grips with this. It's harder than I realized, but I can do it. I'm probably going to be angry as all hell, but I think I can deal with it.

3) I need to make myself focus on my schooling. I don't want to - I just want to hide - but I can't afford to. I need to stop procrastinating and study. WoW will still be there when I get done with my homework. (I just started playing a few days ago and I LOVE it!) My husband will still be there, the laundry will still be there (unfortunately)...and I can't afford to fail any more tests. I failed my first Bio test yesterday morning and have asked the prof if I can retake it because I just can't focus. Between the lack of sleep and everything else that is going on, I'm doing good to remember my name!

4) No matter what happens, I will live. Nothing I've listed is going to kill me. I may feel like it. I may be seriously overwhelmed. But I have a support network - my family, my IRL friends, and the community here. Thank you everyone for your words of support and love as my world tries to crash down and I dodge the debris. It is good to know that you're all still out there. Thank you.

My world

2007-09-17T13:56:00.001-06:00

I'm sorry I left you hanging last time. Thanks a very whole big bunch and lots to those who left me words of encouragement, and those who didn't but might have been praying for me. It's been very appreciated. I left the comments in my inbox so I could go back and look at them when I needed a pick me up. Life hasn't been so good lately and I haven't been able to blog about it. Last post was 100...yay! So let's see...what's been up in the past big?

I'm on Welbutrin again. It seems to be helping. This is good, because life isn't cooperating.

I'm having my kitchen floor replaced and it's been a nightmare. The washing machine has been leaking and the floor is finally giving out. It's buckling, so I decided to replace it now rather than later. I got an estimate from Lowe's...almost $3K! WTF? We can't afford that, so I placed a claim with homeowners insurance. The lady came out on Friday to check it out and said the labor charge was WAY off. I called Lowe's back...and it turns out that the installer didn't listen to anything I said. He decided how he was going to redo my kitchen and that's that. I said "That shit ain't happenin' buddy" and they sent me a new installer today. Meanwhile, I called the adjuster back to let her know what the problem was. SHE decided she didn't like my wet floor being there any longer than it needed to be, so she sent a company out here to rip up my floor. UGH.

Meanwhile, Giggles starting having contractions on Wednesday. She went in to the L&D because she couldn't feel the baby move. They gave her a shot to stop the contractions and sent her home. Friday I had to take her back in. Saturday we almost did it again. Saturday night I had a total breakdown. It's a lot harder having her in the house then I thought it would be. I had really hoped that they would be out before the baby was born, but this may not be the case. She's only 32 weeks, but I don't think she's going to carry to term. I can't deal with this. I feel like a horrible person because I feel like I hate her. I resent her tremendously. I'm sick of people fawning all over her. I want her gone. And none of this is her fault. She's not doing it on purpose; I'm sure (100%) that she doesn't want to be having contractions either and doesn't want her child yet either. I still hate it.

Also, my mom just called. They think she has cancer again. It's September; I shouldn't be surprised. See, 4 years ago on September 5th she was diagnosed with breast cancer. They caught it early and she did radiation. The following year on September 5th, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was not an early catch, but as early as they could feasibly catch it. The damn tumor was 18cm! She had chemo and has been ok. We made it through last September with no cancer, although it was a tense month, only to pay for it with her problems this past winter. And now, it's September again, and her CA-125 is elevated. That gets elevated when ovarian cancer is present. Well, mom doesn't have any ovaries any more, or a uterus. This means that there were cancer cells left and they've metastasized. While the docs don't know where the cancer is just yet, when OC metastasizes, it usually goes to the brain or lungs. Y'all...I'm terrified this time. Those aren't terribly operable places. I'm not ready to lose my mommy but I have to face it this time.

She wants to have a family meeting once she knows more, with my sister and her boys as well as me. Aaron and my BIL can come if they want, I don't know if my brother will be there. I am on my mother's side, regardless of what she decides to do. She didn't want to do chemo last time, but my sister guilted her into it by saying "Fine. You don't have to do chemo. But if you don't, you have to explain to Daniel (my nephew who was 12 at the time) why you are choosing to die instead of live." Of course, she chose to do it when I was out of the room or there would have been hell to pay. NONE of us have a right to tell mom what she has to do. Of course we don't want to lose her...but we don't have to live with the effect. She does. She's 60 years old - old enough to make her own damn decisions on what she wants to do. I will stand by her and protect her from my father and sister.

AF is late. Today is CD28 and she's not here. The last time I had a cycle that was 28 days was when I had that chemical pregnancy in July of 2004, the one that sparked everything. I haven't tested yet. I don't have any tests in the house and I don't have time to deal with a positive anyhow. If she still hasn't arrived by Wednesday I will test in the morning, provided I've found time to get to the store. If not, I will see if the doc can fit me in for a beta while I'm on campus. This would just be a kick in the pants. I know there's a lot of stress in my life and stress can delay AF...but this isn't funny. Not even remotely.

To top it all off, I have been missing classes because of dealing with the house. I have an exam tomorrow that I am woefully unprepared for. And the final blow? Robert Jordan died yesterday.

I'm worried about me

2007-09-05T10:20:00.001-06:00

(just as a forewarning: this may take a few posts or edits to complete as I am doing this in between classes)

I"m really starting to get worried about me. I feel as if all the joy has left my life. I rarely laugh any more. I might giggle...maybe...but I can't remember the last time I really, truly laughed. I don't feel alive. Anger, frustration and irritation are the only emotions I feel any more. This has been the case for a while but it's getting worse. I feel like I'm dying inside. All I want to do is drink and sleep and drink some more. I'm not...yet...but I want to. My heart isn't in my classes this semester and it's already showing. I can NOT make myself buckle down and do my work. I blame it on not having any space alone or time alone, but even when I do have time or a place I find something else to do. Like surf the net. Or read another book instead of my school books. I'm depressed and I know it...and it's worse than it's been in a long time. I can't remember when I last wanted to sit and drink...not to get drunk, but just to be more mellow. I want to run and hide and never come back out and it scares me.

MIL still hasn't stopped smoking, shock of all shocks. Her claim that she wasn't going to buy more smokes? A lie, as usual. I'm a sneaky bitch and counted the smokes in her pack yesterday, thinking that maybe she was just cutting back slowly and it was still the same pack she'd had and knowing the only way to find out was to count them. There were 12 in that pack yesterday. I counted this morning and there were 15. That means she smoked 17 yesterday...and that she's buying more packs. I had the thought that I would write her a letter, letting her know how all this makes me feel. I should have done it last week when I was fully angry, but I didn't. And now I'm having trouble making myself care. I know it won't make a difference...why should I bother?

I'll be starting back on my antidepressants once my mouth heals from my latest dentist appointment this afternoon. Last time I was swollen for 4 days and could barely eat pudding, let alone try to fit pills in my mouth. I don't think they alone are going to do the trick, though. I know they can only fix so much. Chuckles and Giggles might be moving out soon - they are going to get a list of income-based housing from one of the girls that Giggles goes to school with. That will make things a little better still, as I will not have him constantly irritating me and will give me a place to hide again.

I feel apathetic, but know that I'm not truly because I still care that I don't care. As if THAT makes much sense.

(ok, time for class. I'll finish this later, if I can bring myself to care enough)

Tigger's Infertility Madness and What Others Have to Say About It

New Digs (updated)

Let's pretend! *updated*

Unglued and milestones

In trouble now!

Interviewed

Reflux?

Making baby food?

Two months?

Silence

Picture post!

Birth story!

We have a PLAN!

FML

BPP

Induction...fail

It's a date!

Complicated, updated!

Why is this always complicated?

Awareness

So. Angry.

An actual trial run...

You call that a contraction?

Officially Full Term

Drop it already!

Seriously?

A Sample of My Thoughts

NST's oh my!

The dog has me panicking

Because I love you so much....

L&D Trial Run...I guess....

Squick Factor

Are you ready yet? I bet you're ready, aren't you....

Do YOU know how your reproductive system works?

Final answer....

Nesting sucks

GCT results

Random Updates

Baptism? Christening? Help!

Gender results are in!

Remiss

Halfway!

Heartbeat!

The results are in...already.

It figures...

Fun times!

A call for help

Birthdays

The newest fad diet

I apologize...

Random videos

Pimping for a friend

Naked Me

Celebratory Society

Hot buttons and triggers oh my!

Barbaric

Still undecided...and rambling.

The thoughts in the brain go round and round...

My mother, My sister, and Me

I feel bad...

Restless Legs

Safe spots

Catching up...or not

Job! OMG!

I've been reading...

Pocket Pet anthem

And the fun starts....*edited*

Oh the irony...

Pour me, Poor me

Angry? It's all in your head....

Finding Me

Happy Anniversary to Us....

Such a BITCH

Birthdays

"Best Day Ever"

In Memorium

Deep thoughts

Bitter much?

Entitlement

Chuckles and Giggles Saga, Chapter 3036

Let's pretend! updated

And the fun starts....edited

I'm so proud! sniff